People pleasing job hunting mistakes and how to prevent them

Hello, hello! In this video, I'm going to talk about how to know if you're people pleasing in interviews, how to know if you're in danger of losing yourself in a job that's really not the right fit for you, and exactly how to identify that. I can tell you a personal story about me and how I have stopped the people pleasing and how it took me 10 years to do it, and how to believe that you can have exactly what you want and that it can come in. So stay tuned. So Here's some of the things that you might be doing if you are losing yourself, if you're at risk of losing yourself on the job hunt. Now, I work with a lot of people. This is what I hear as the red flags when I'm coaching. So you might start to think things like, ah, it's not that bad. It's not that bad of a commute. It's only like an hour and they have free parking. Or you might start to justify little things in your head that really you didn't want. You decided ahead of time, you're like, I don't want that. I'm not going to be like going into an office 5 times a week. I know that would make me miserable. But then you start justifying, ah, but you know, the pay could be really good, or this could be a good opportunity, right? And I'm not saying that you want to completely say no to those situations, but I just want you to start thinking in a way of like, I'm not going to do it unless we can find a win-win, right? So I've coached many clients on, they might have these rigid things in the job description and that That might mean that you don't say no to having the conversation, but you don't say yes unless they're able to meet you halfway and find some kind of win-win so that it works for both of you. Because that's what happens when we're people pleasing is we're putting ahead what they want ahead of what you want. So another thing you might be thinking to yourself, and this is a slippery slope because we often talk ourselves into justifying things that we don't really want or not exactly, you know, what we had intended for ourselves. might be starting to think things like, uh, I'm gonna just keep myself open for anything so I don't miss out on any opportunities. So I'll just, you know, talk to anybody and, and be open for anything. That is a mindset that sets you up for a lot of time wasters, a lot of things that will waste your time, drain your energy, instead of the alternative, which is being specific about what you want. That will be easier for you to call it in. You don't have to be 100% specific and know all the details, but you wanna nail down as many as you possibly can. Another thing you might start saying to yourself is, well, I'll consider other degrees and certifications because I think maybe that's what's needed to help me get this job or to help me stand out. When really it's about knowing how to sell your value. So this is a trap many people fall into. They'll start thinking, okay, I need to get another certification because the job description said it required it, right? And this is people pleasing in a very subtle way. It's like saying, okay, well, they want this, so I'm going to go get this, right? And you just got to make sure you're doing it because that's what you really want. You would go get that certification anyway. And many times when I work with clients, they'll find that their companies are willing to pay for these certifications for them. And it's a tax write-off for them. It's beneficial for both of them. So don't go get all the certifications first, right? Investing your own money in that stuff when there's no guarantees, right? What actually guarantees you get where you want to go is by learning how to sell your own value effectively. And that starts with learning what it is. Another thing you might be doing is you find yourself focusing more on trying to impress them, Putting what you want on the back burner in your mind and starting to say things like, well, yes, I can do that. Yes, I'd be happy to do that. Yes, I wanna do that. When in your head you're like, oh, that's not really what I thought this job was. That's not really my zone of genius. That's not really what lights me up. But you're just saying yes because the interview's going well and you wanna make sure it keeps going well. So you're not actually saying what you really wanna say. I had a very specific situation like this where I ended up getting a job offer where I was people pleasing in the interview, and I ended up having to quit 3 months later because it wasn't what I wanted, and it was my own fault. Then I did start to move forward and say, you know, that's not my zone of genius. If that's going to be the majority of this job, it's probably not going to be a fit for me. And it takes guts to say stuff like that. But when you find yourself kind of automatically just wanting to give them what they want without considering what you want, that's a sign of losing yourself. You'll find yourself negotiating with what's realistic or justified, right? You'll start thinking, ah, but you know, this sounds great, even though it doesn't, right? Maybe to your mind, your logical mind, it sounds good, but to your soul it sounds like awful, and it sounds like it's gonna suck the life out of you. You're like, ah, but I could just do it for a little while. So it's just a slippery slope that I want you to pay attention to. And in the rest of this video, I'm going to talk to you about ways that you can identify that in yourself and how to find the win-wins, because ultimately we don't want to just say, okay, well, whatever you Doesn't matter, it's what I want. It's not that. What we want to do is say, I'm interested in what you want and how can I make that work for me? Sometimes it'll work right away and you'll be like, yes, what they want is what I want. That's called a want match. It's like, awesome. Okay, we're on a win-win conversation here. Great. But sometimes it's not. And that's when you got to remember that what you want is just as important, more important, because ultimately if you end up in somewhere where you don't end up thriving because you accepted something that wasn't right for you, that means you lose and they lose in the long run. So with what happened with me was I was in a toxic relationship for 10 years, and what I did was I was people pleasing. I was thinking, okay, it's always me, I'm the one who's the problem, so I will fix what I'm doing. So he would say, you're not contributing to the household income, and I said, okay, I will work 2 jobs and I'll start my business and I will contribute more, I will do more. He would say, oh well, don't— I don't want to deal with your emotions because you're too emotional. Mm, eye roll and walk away. So I would start just pushing down my emotions and trying not to have them and trying to hide them from him. And so he could feel comfortable. I started living my life in accordance to him, putting all of his needs first before mine. And at the end of the day, what that got me was him being happy with everything he was getting and me getting nothing. So it couldn't go on forever because I was just depleting myself and losing myself. And it took me a whole year after leaving that relationship to rebuild myself back up and even discover, Mm-hmm. rediscover who I was, like what's actually important to me, what do I actually want? And some of the things that I did were good, I'm glad I did them, but some of the things I would have never done and some of the things I changed completely. So it's important that you're considering the balance between what someone else wants and what you want, but never putting what someone else wants at the expense of what you want. And it's very, very subtle in your mindset. If you're used to doing it, it'll creep in in all these ways that you might not even notice, right? You might say, oh, but I'm just being realistic, right? Or, oh, But that's just like— and it all comes down to your belief. Like, what do you actually believe? A lot of clients come to me not believing that their ideal roles are reality. They're like, well, I can't get that role because I don't have this, this, and this. Or they have a bazillion reasons why they don't believe they can get the role. So of course they will be settling for something that isn't really right for them or that they don't really want. And so there's never going to be a time when that is going to be a long-term sustainable thing for anybody. And eventually you will burn out trying to please somebody. You will burn out trying to, trying to hit every goalpost when it keeps moving farther away At the end of the day, you will just have to rebuild yourself back up and you will have to find a way within to become happy and fulfilled yourself. And that starts by looking for win-wins, looking for want matches. And if you start everything you do with that approach, with, I want to find a want match, I'm looking for a win-win here, that will be your winning strategy. And at the end of the day, as long as you're very honest with yourself and you know you're not talking yourself into something you don't really want because of your logical brain, you will be able to find that thing that you really want that lights you up. And the beautiful part about this is that the environment that you end up in when you are able to find the want matches and continue to see the course until you find them, and you'll get really good at finding them and they will happen faster and faster. 'Cause I'll tell you the end of my story in a minute, is that you will end up thriving and it will be so much easier for you to thrive in an environment that is the right match for you, where they want the same things as you do. They value the same things that you do. You will be able to thrive so much easier. You won't have to work all these overtime hours. You won't have to push yourself to take on extra. You won't have to be at risk of burning out because you will be in an environment that supports your growth and actually is easy for you to thrive in. So let me tell you how this worked for me. I left the 10-year toxic relationship. I rebuilt for a year, hired a coach, and created my life again from scratch myself. And he took everything. I didn't end up with money or anything. I had to rebuild it all myself. And I did this From a place of ground zero, like, okay, what do I want? I had no things, so everything that I brought into my life new was all very selected and intentionally decided on by me. From then on, I decided, okay, this is who I want to be. This is what I like. I do wanna be a considerate person of other people. Like, not being a people pleaser doesn't mean you have to completely disregard other people's feelings. It just means you consider your own equally to theirs. And if it comes down to it, you gotta consider your own first. If it comes down to it, For the long run, if you don't consider your own first, then you will end up being miserable and your confidence will be on the ground and you will end up basically telling your brain what I want doesn't matter because we have to do this. And that doesn't lead to a happy life. So after rebuilding for a year and creating everything new and building my business how I wanted it and building my life how I wanted it, I started dating again. And within 6 months, I was able to attract somebody, match with someone who was absolutely perfect for me. So this doesn't mean that every date went perfectly. There was a lot of nice to meet you, good night situations. And there was one about a 2-month-long relationship that I thought was really good and I was very excited about but didn't work out because of some emotional red flags that I thankfully figured out early thanks to me investing in hiring a coach and being able to see that very clearly so that I didn't make the same mistake again. So within 6 months after clearing out that people pleaser in me and rebuilding myself up, I was able to attract in the most amazing, perfect partner for me. And this to me meant that he accepted all the things about me that other people might not like and that were different and that were maybe controversial. Like, as a successful woman in the world, sometimes men get very— they get emasculated by that. They don't like it. They feel threatened, right? He did not feel threatened. He felt impressed. Or the fact that I'm not a perfect clean freak housekeeper. And to him, he thought, oh, well, that's good. It means she's not going to be super picky about everything being all in place all the time. Because I'm not like that either. So he was like, that's— he took that as a good thing, right? Whereas someone else might've been like, oh, her house is really messy. I don't like that, right? So it's like the right person, the right match, they're going to have good thoughts about what you are and what you bring to the table. And they're going to like that. And if they don't, they're going to be able to have a conversation with you where you are both looking for a win-win situation. So say you have a great interview and it seems like everything is a want match, everything is a win-win. And then you come to the negotiation and you're asking for a little bit more than they're willing to give, the right employer is going to want to work with you on that. They will be flexible. They will meet you halfway. They will make a deal with you where you feel like you're getting a win-win. You might not get everything you want, but you will feel heard. You will feel like they heard you and they wanted to do their best to make it work for you. And that's just like in a relationship, right? You don't always get what you want. You don't always get the exact thing, but you can get a compromise where you feel like at least you've been heard out, right? And this is where you speaking up, you valuing yourself, You understanding how important what you want actually is, because the truth is that you have to know that first. And that's something I didn't know for 10 years. Honestly, I thought, okay, what he wants is most important. Keeping him happy is most important. And it doesn't matter that I don't like it. That's just what I need to do, right? And it was all subconscious programming from when I was younger, which is another video that I won't unload on you right here. But it's definitely digging deep and seeing, okay, I am worthy. I deserve this. I have a right to have The needs that I want met. I have a right to want this. It is okay. It is safe. It is safe to have a healthy relationship. It is safe to have someone hear me out, understand my feelings, hear me, care about me. It's safe to have those things. And with a workplace, a lot of the times, like, we can be resisting that too, right? We can have all sorts of crud under the surface, like the iceberg, right? Like the iceberg on top only shows the top part. There's a whole bunch going on underneath. That could mean that we are resistant or repellent to what we actually say we want. And that's where the subconscious brain is doing a lot of the work for us. And we have the ability to rewire that. So if you'd like this video and you'd like more help with this, give me a thumbs up so the algorithm knows to show you more of my videos, or give me a thumbs down if you really didn't like it, but I don't know why you'd be still here watching it. Subscribe to the channel and make sure that you sign up for my next 3-day series. So in my 3-day series, I teach you how to create the job you want from start to finish. And I don't rely on mass applying. I'm not a fan of the ATS. I do it in a way where I'm really helping you to show your skill, your expertise, and have a professional resonance that people can't ignore. And I believe that that's the way to go, especially in a very competitive landscape where everybody's doing the same things. They're being taught to do the very same things. And I wanna teach you how to do things completely differently in your own unique way. So that's where I Thrive is really helping you pull that out, really helping you enjoy who you are, even maybe discover a bit of it, and having you thrive in the best environment for you. So if that interests you, click the link below and get on the list for that training and you will get sent an email right away to your inbox and I'll see you there. All right. Have a good rest of your week and I will see you in the next video. So some people had requested a little bit of a tapping at the end because they really liked it. So I do a thing called EFT tapping and it consists of meridian points on the different, different parts of your face. So top of the head, forehead, side of the eye, under the eye, under the nose, chin, and collarbone. I just do 3 of them. So we're just going to do a quick little exercise to help you To release that version of yourself that feels like they need to people-please and feels like they need to compromise, and be able to step into the version of yourself that can believe what you want is happening, is here already, and you just have to walk yourself up to it. All right? Top of the head, start tapping. Just repeat after me. Even though in the past I have accepted lower quality environments. Forehead. Even though in the past I have accepted lower quality treatment than I deserved. Side of the eye. I am now willing to shift that. Under the eye. I am now willing to accept the treatment that I desire, and I'm willing To see that I'm worthy simply because I'm here. Collarbone. And even though in the past I have had patterns that have resisted me calling in what I really wanted, I am open to the possibility that these patterns are now breaking. All right, that's it for you. See you next time. See you next time.