Coach Natalie Fisher negotiated a $15,000 raise at work but couldn't set boundaries at home. Her father taught her to demand fair pay while warning her against ending up alone, creating a split between professional confidence and personal conflict avoidance. She traced the pattern back and learned to apply the same assertiveness everywhere.
I spent 10 years sleeping next to someone who rolled their eyes when I cried or when I was upset, yet I was able to go into my boss's office and negotiate a $15K raise without any hesitation or problem. And in this video, I want to tell you a few stories and go through why I believe that was possible and the duality of how you can advocate for yourself in one area of your life and not in another, and how that can be so different. And yet you can have the skills, your brain has the skills, yet it can't apply them how it needs to in another area. So if you can relate to that, if you've experienced that somewhere in your own life, whether it be in your relationship, in your work life, or any other place, stay with me. All right, so here's the thing. I lived 10 years with somebody who completely dismissed my feelings or what I thought or what I was comfortable with. And yet at work, my boundary setting was super ironclad. I didn't even question it. It was so instinctual. And so one of the things that my ex did is he invited his parents to come and live with us. He didn't ask me. They just showed up. And when I realized what was happening, I was uncomfortable with it, but I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid he was going to get mad at me. That was kind of our dynamic. He would get mad whenever I said something that, you know, triggered him or wasn't what— it wasn't going along with what he wanted. He would get mad. And so they sprawled out in the living room. They just came in. They took over our whole living room. We didn't have a huge living room at the time, and there was nowhere for me to sit. That's it. So you know what I did? I went and I bought a chair. I had it delivered and I put it in the corner of our living room so that I could sit there and take care of myself. And instead of me saying anything about it, I went and accommodated myself some other way, which wasn't too comfortable by the way, because the chair was— it had to be positioned in a place where I couldn't see the TV. I couldn't watch the TV anyway 'cause they had taken over the living room. And it just— that was my reaction. That's what I did. But at work, if my boss was emailing me at 9 PM at night, I would just instantly respond with, I'll deal with this on Monday morning. And I didn't have any kind of— like, it was just instinctual, right? I didn't even realize what I was doing. It wasn't until— well, long story, and I won't tell you the whole thing in this video, but there was— there were points that I realized what was going on. And now I've just kind of been doing this study of looking back at this selective self-advocacy and why was it that I was able to do it in some places and not other places. And so what came to me was that it was the messaging I received as a child. So there were 2 key stories that I remember from my childhood. One, my dad was always very, very diligent about getting me to go ask for the money that I deserved. There were several, several situations where this happened, where I wasn't getting paid or I wasn't being treated well. And he was just like, go. And he said it with such certainty. He was like, go ask to be paid. Like, I was doing some free classes at a fitness center. Somebody was sick. I stepped in, I started teaching, and I wasn't getting paid for these classes. And weeks went by. This person was sicker than we thought, and I just stepped in. And he's like, don't teach any more classes until you get paid. Go and ask them. Say, "If you don't pay me for these classes, I won't be able to continue teaching them." And I got paid for those classes because I went and I did that with the certainty that my dad had given me. When it came to personal relationships, he would say things like, "Yeah, you know our family friend. We had a family friend named Trudy. She was old. She was she was older, and she he's like, you know she was silly. She had the opportunity to get married several times, but she didn't take it, and now she's going to be alone, and she's she's an old." spinster is what he'd call her. And so he didn't mean to give me these messages, but basically what I took from that was I better be with someone or I'll end up alone, right? But the message that he gave me for my, um, for my work life was go ask to be paid or don't continue doing the work. Go like— and there were several other stories that kind of show how this translated. Anyways, I wanted to share with you this with you today and also share that this has been my breakthrough as to how I've been able to communicate my value Now in my personal life as well, fast forward 14 years of learning, um, to the point where now I'm in a wonderful relationship with someone who values me and listens to me, and we have a very respectful dynamic, and it's great. And that has been something that I have learned the hard way that I had to do. And as far as in my work life, I've been able to teach people the skill of asking for what they want, figuring out exactly why they haven't been asking for it, and exactly how they need to proceed to get it. And And even if they get told no, that happens a lot. I was told no several times when I negotiated my salary, and I have— I had doubled my salary in corporate, and I was able to do that because I just didn't question the fact that that's what I was going to get. That's what was going to happen, whether it be there or whether it be somebody somewhere else. I was going to get that number that I wanted, and it was just never something that my brain questioned. Yet I always questioned myself in personal relationships. I was always scared to make the person mad or, um, or question them. And if I did, I was choosing the wrong people and I was always getting in trouble and I wasn't being met with any respect back. So if you would like to learn this with me, if you would like to do this journey— I have done it, I'm on the other side of it now— if you would like to join me for that, I have a free class that I am doing and it is called How to Value Yourself So That You Can Finally Get Paid What You Are Worth. And you can sign up for that in the link below, in the Linktree link. It'll be at the top. That's what I'm currently doing. You'll be able to find it if you're watching this video afterwards. The link for it will still be there. You might just be watching a replay, but if you sign up for it now, you will get to watch the live version and join me for the next, for the next time I do that because it's coming up. So thank you so much for watching this video. Give it a thumbs up if you liked it. Give it a thumbs down if you didn't like it. Leave me a comment if this resonates with you in any way. I posted this on the LinkedIn, and I got an intensely viral response. So it was more viral than anything I've ever done in my career as a coach. And so I know people were really resonating with this concept, and I will link the post below so that you can check it out just for your own curiosity if you'd like to. So I will see you on that class. I look forward to meeting with you, and I look forward to hearing your story of where you may have advocated in one area but not another area of your life, and how we can make that match so that you can advocate in all areas And get all the good things. So I can't wait to meet you. I will talk to you soon. Bye-bye.
How To Sound Good Without Having All the Answers (In Meetings & Job Interviews)
