Get Clear About What You Want [ #4 #clarity ]

Welcome to the OWN IT Podcast with me, Nicole Hollar, where we're going to talk about stuff to help you get out of your way, take charge of your life, and, well, other stuff too. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the OWN IT Podcast with me, Nicole Hollar. I was talking to a client a couple of weeks ago and he and I were discussing how he wanted to change jobs. And, you know, I was asking questions as I do, and it got me thinking, you know, How he was going about his new job search was a lot like how we go through a lot of different quests for something new in life: goals, achievements, changes to our environment, our jobs, our relationships. And what I mean by that is we have this picture of what it should look like, and then we go for that picture. Now, visualization is great as long as that picture. Matches the characteristics and the values that you want. So what I want you guys to do today is to think of something that you want to change in your life. It can be anything. It can be about any topic. And I want you to get a picture of what that new version of whatever it is looks like. And now I want you to let go of the physical representation. Let go of the idea of what it looks like, the vessel that it comes in. And I'm going to give you an example. Say you want a new relationship and you're like, you know, I'm tired of these immature, unstable people, so I'm gonna just— I'm gonna enter in my app, I'm gonna say 10 years older than me, I'm gonna unconsciously just start seeking older people for my whole life for whatever reason. That's up to you and that's fine, um, and that is going to be a more mature and stable person. Well, I mean, logically, we should hope that people become more mature and more stable as they get older, but I think we all know that that's not always the truth. But if your goal is to find an older person because you believe that they are more stable and more mature, well, then you're only seeking an older person. You aren't seeking the characteristics or the values that you have in a partner. What I'm asking you to do is to become crystal clear about what it is you want, the values and the characteristics, and to let go of the vessel or the package that it comes in. If you keep doing that, you will— if you keep seeking that same package without the characteristics or values, you might find yourself in these repeating, unsatisfying cycles because you're making a lot of global assumptions about what things should be. Be crystal clear on the elements that you want, not the package it comes in. Because as long as you are seeking those elements, those characteristics, those values, those traits, then you are going to continuously find what it is you want. To give you another example, maybe you've decided you want to be healthy and fit in body and mind. Okay. Well, I've worked in wellness for a couple of decades now, and a lot of times people have this imagination that super muscular people must be healthy and fit in mind and body. Now, not everybody believes that. Well, if your goal is like, as long as I'm super muscular, then I must be fit in mind and body, then you're wrong because sometimes that just means they have big muscles. A lot of times people have done extraordinary and crazy diets. Their body is completely out of whack. Maybe they're such control freaks and obsessive about activity that they're not okay in mind. They're just using fitness and activity as sort of a control mechanism. And that's every— it's up to the individual. But establish what it is you really want to seek and seek to achieve those individual characteristics if it is for yourself. It could be work. This whole thing stemmed from a conversation I had with a client. Maybe you want a company who is more formal and organized in their management. You're like, well, I want to work for a bigger company. I want to work for a large corporation. Now, we can make the assumption that there's more formality and organization in order for them to have grown the size that they are. But that's not necessarily the case. What if that formality and structure that you want is in a smaller company? That's possible. You can work for a larger company that's a total hot mess. I'm sure some of you listening right now are like, yeah, that's me. I have lots of friends who work for larger companies who are real hot messes. You're like, how is it that they function? But they're in a bigger company, so you'd think so, right? So here's the thing. I'd like you to go ahead, as I said, and think of something that you want to change and let go of what the image is of the new version and do a real assessment of what it is you want about that thing. Now with that, and I'm going to give you a little story here about that conversation, you might uncover that there's some things That you aren't admitting or that they are just sort of tagging along on an unconscious level. So in that conversation I had with my client, we were talking about— he works on yachts. Now, I don't know a whole lot about yachts, and I'm a pretty inquisitive person. So he said he wanted to work on a larger yacht. And I said, well, why? And he's like, well, because I like the formality and the structure of a larger yacht. The smaller boat I work on, it's a little bit too casual. The owners come and go as they please, which is— Okay, but on larger boats, they tend to have more structure. We know when we're going to leave and come and go, and it's more orderly. It's a more fine dining experience, all of those types of things. And I said, okay, well, that makes sense for me. I said, so is it possible that you could be on a bigger boat that's casual? And he said, for sure. And I said, is it possible to be on a smaller boat that's more formal and structured like you want? Absolutely. But again, things usually flow in that way where larger yachts, larger companies have more structure and organization. And I said, okay, well, what else about larger boats do you like? He thought for a second. He goes, well, they pay better. I said, ah, more money. Now, he's younger. You can be older or younger, it doesn't matter, but we tend to move for money when we're younger and let go of some of those other elements because you want to establish yourself financially. Sense. I said, so you want more money too? He's like, well, I mean, yeah, I guess so. Me being who I am, I had that aha moment. I said, so why is it that you think you didn't say that upfront? He said, well, I kind of feel bad, not bad, but that I want to go for the money and not what actually would make me happier. I said, well, there's nothing wrong with wanting To earn a better income. I said, you're still young. I said, do you want to be on a miserable yacht and earn more money? He's like, no, I wouldn't do that. I said, okay then. So you aren't completely denying yourself. But the fact is that his value for money is ranking higher than his value for a more structured and organized environment. Again, that's okay. And the reason I know that is because I asked him. I said, Would you rather be on a more casual boat that paid more money or a more structured and formal boat that paid less money but had that structure and formality that you originally said you were seeking? He said, well, I'd rather be on the larger boat that paid more money. But he still— but within the boundaries and parameters of it being fine enough, right? So when you are going to Look for something new, a new relationship, a new job. It's essentially goal setting. You really want to consider the characteristics that you're seeking, not the package you think it comes in. You want to think of your values in context for that thing. Again, not the vessel, no pun intended, that it came in. In Feeling Stuck's workbook, I actually have an entire exercise about a values elicitation for all of the areas of self. And those are really important things to know because if we are doing things out of alignment with our values, then we're going to be pretty unhappy or we're not going to stay very long. So when you are trying to make a big change, there's 3 things that I want you to consider. The first one is decide what it is that you really want, the characteristics or the values. The second thing is I want you to think about and visualize how you think it's going to come to you and then let that go because that may not necessarily be true. And the third thing is dig out some of the other things that you might want, even if they feel kind of icky to you, like in his case, wanting more money. There's nothing wrong with that because if you don't, Then those things are going to keep lingering in the background and you're lying to yourself. And if this Own It podcast is about nothing else, it is about being authentic and literally owning all of the parts of ourselves. So if you can identify some of those things that didn't come to the surface, it means it's been sort of tagging along in your unconscious forever, or it's something you don't necessarily want to admit. And if that's the case, Ask yourself why. There's nothing wrong with that. So again, you want to be crystal clear in what it is you want to achieve and let go of the package that you think it should come in. You want to then go ahead and figure out if there's any other characteristics or values that it is you really want, and then allow those to come to the surface too. And that's going to give you a better opportunity To figure out what you want as you move into your next thing. I'm going to wrap it for today. I hope you guys enjoyed this podcast. If you did, please go ahead and give it 5 stars. Make sure you're following. I don't know where you're listening. Maybe it's Apple, maybe it's Spotify, maybe you're watching on YouTube. It is available on all of those sources. Go ahead and share it with your friends. You can find me @nicolehollercoaching on most social media platforms, and of course, my website, nicoleholler.com, where you can learn more about bringing me in for speaking and workshops, books that I'm writing, any of my coaching, and of course, submit your request for topics as well as guests. Thank you, guys. This is your time.