The Scar Experiment - Insecurities Shape Our World [ #17 #ScarExperiment #Insecurity #Projection ]

Welcome to the Own It Podcast with me, Nicole Hollar, where we're going to talk about stuff to help you get out of your way, take charge of your life, and, well, other stuff too. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the Own It Podcast with me, Nicole Hollar. Have you ever been in a situation where you're like, listen, I know you're probably going to be mad about X, Y, and Z, or you take a deep breath, which, you know, I don't know about you, but when any time somebody has ever paused and gone, So I'm like, they're setting me up because they know I'm going to be pissed off. And sometimes you're not even mad. They're just like, but I know you're mad. I'm like, I'm not mad. But they have decided that you're going to be that way. So they've already preemptively acted as though you are mad. Well, what you're doing is something called predictive processing. And that's basically when we perceive an experience And then we act according to how we predict it's going to unfold. Hence the, I know you're gonna be mad. Like, well, I'm not mad. How about you? What I like to tell people is, how about you let me make the judgment if I'm gonna be mad or not about something? So this predictive processing experiment, there was one done in 1980 by 2 people, 2 psychologists called Kleck and one's named Strenta. And what they did was they put scars on people's faces, pretty good scars. They had a makeup artist come and do that. And they held a mirror up to these participants so that they could see the scar on their face, which was pretty profound. And what they wanted to do was send them out into the world and have them interact with people and then come back and report how they felt and like how those interactions went. So they did that. So they put these scars on the people, on the participants, showed the participant the mirror. They see the scar, they know the scar is there on their face. And then right before they're about to leave, what they did was they had the makeup artist come back to put moisturizer on the scar to help prevent cracking. But that's not actually what the makeup artist did. What the makeup artist did was remove the scar. So they had no scar on their face at all. But remember, the participants—they had seen a mirror of themselves with the scar, and as far as they knew, they just had moisturizer put on that fake scar in order to make sure it didn't crack. So they're sent off into the world to have all of these you know interactions and conversations. They come back, and their reports were that you know when they asked how they felt about their interactions, were they any different than normal? Interactions with people. Most of the people shared some level of insecurity, some more than others. They definitely had insecurities. There were some people who reported that the scar was all the other person was staring at. There were all these reports of it because in predictive processing, we perceive an experience and then we act accordingly. So they also, of course, felt insecure about it because They knew people were judging them for this scar. So they come back, they report all these experiences, and then the people running the experiment give them a mirror and show them their face, which didn't have a scar on it. And they were all beside themselves. They couldn't imagine that the scar wasn't there because they knew that the people were acting differently. So how many times in your In your life, have you ever been in a situation where you just know people are judging you for a thing because of your insecurity about it, and then you act and behave that way? I mean, certainly when I was younger, I did. I sit across the desk here with new clients, and I know that maybe some of my values, ideas, or beliefs are different than theirs, and I just state them as though they're my own, which without any weight behind them, as though it's in conflict with them, that I'm judging whatever I believe or perceive theirs is, because I don't want to have a predictive processing experience of it. I'm going to have my own pure experience of it and let you interact with it accordingly. And sometimes, usually, it's not even a thing. You can imagine, you know, by now I have a wife that is in conflict with Plenty of people, and that's fine. I don't skip a beat when I mention it casually in passing. You don't hear me go, "Oh well, I mean, I mean, I'm going on a vacation with my wife, my wife," and I do that like quiet. It is what it is, and I just keep moving on because if I'm going to express it in that way where I'm holding it, I'm shy of it, I'm afraid of it, whatever it might be. Then I'm telling the other people that whatever I'm doing, being, or acting— whoever I am is wrong. So rather than moving about the world as though everybody is already creating a perception of you based upon your own insecurity, it's time to decide that you are good with whoever you are, wherever you're at, and move about it. If you're not working right now and people are like, oh, you're not working? You're like, no, I'm not. I've chosen to do this, Y, and Z. Great. But how many times might somebody say, well, I mean, and they're already backpedaling in defense as though something they're doing is wrong. You can state it. Yeah, I'm not working right now. I've decided to take some time off. I'm really having a hard time finding a job. Yeah, this is X, Y, and Z. Because if in your heart you believe a wrongness, that is how you are going to experience the world. I had a client a lot of years ago. She was doing the pronoun game. This was before people were using pronouns as gender identity. She clearly had a girlfriend. She was in her— maybe she was around 50, and she was using they a lot. Now, at that time, they didn't actually refer to a person. Usually it was someone's Sort of vague description of a person instead, and you know I do stand by the idea of if it looks like a duck and it acts like a duck, it's probably a duck, but it might not be. She would tell me about oh I traveled with you know my friend, my friend. Oh yeah, I'm dating someone. They live so and so. So the writing was on the wall. Now you should know that. The reason this person became a client of mine was she was a referral because I knew some of her friends. They were running friends of hers, and they had this great tight-knit little group of friends, a few single ones, some married with kids. They were great friends. I knew her friends. I knew her less than her friends. And finally one day she goes, well, you know, you might have realized this by now, but, you know, I have a girlfriend. I'm like, say it ain't so. And I said, let me ask you something. Do you have this discussion with your friends? I mean, are you hiding this part of your life? She's like, yeah, because, you know, I don't know what they're gonna think and blah blah blah. And besides, and this was it, I don't want to be the token gay friend. And I said, huh. I said, why do you think you're going to be that? I'm like, you guys are pretty tight-knit and they seem to like you for you, and I know your friends. Because that's what I would consider me. Ah, I see. So your belief that you would be the token gay friend because you would have a token gay friend is the thing that is keeping you from telling and sharing all of your wholeness with your friends because you don't want them to do a thing that you already perceive they're going to do. She's like, yeah. I'm like, okay. Anyway, within about a week or two, she ended up actually having the discussion with them. They're like, great, you know, thank you for finally telling us. And, you know, one of the friends had previously reached out to me and had thanked me for at least giving her space and room where she felt comfortable talking about the wholeness of her life. And I was really happy for her that she was able to then have a full and complete relationship with these friends. But she had to Have a little bit of a reframe in order to get past that, because that perceived processing for her said, "Well, they're going to see me differently because of X, Y, and Z." And sometimes people will, and that's their prerogative and their choice. But I firmly believe that if we are among people and we are representing who we are in the wholeness of we are who we are, then people like us for who we are. There's always going to be slight derivations. Among friends or coworkers, that's different. And that's okay. I mean, if you're going to walk around and you don't have an arm and go, everybody judge me because I don't have an arm, it's like, listen, they're looking at me like I can't not see. I have eyes. I see that you don't have an arm. How I'm going to treat you or judge you or relate to you is unlikely to change. But if you're hiding it or the first thing out of your mouth, because I've seen this too, is like, oh, you're probably noticing that I don't have an arm. And you're like, well, actually, I was noticing You have a really great scarf on, but now that you've mentioned it, let's talk about the arm you don't have that you're uncomfortable with, or whatever it might be. We can't blame people for having eyes. So if you take the scar experiment and people do happen to glance at it, again, it's our discomfort in ourself with that thing that might be an anomaly that generally shapes the relationships and how we navigate the world. And if you are somebody who the first thing you do is you step up and you raise your hand and go, look at that bad haircut, that scar, that missing limb, that giant pimple. Well, that's just sharing that you have a specific insecurity about it rather than believing that somebody else is thinking that of you. It's best that we learn to recognize we're probably projecting that onto somebody else. Now keep in mind, I remember being in martial arts many, many years ago and having this giant pimple on my head. You weren't gonna not see it because again, people have eyes. I doubt that they were gonna make a judgment or care, but nobody wants to stare at it. It is— it was ugly. It was big and red and it was an anomaly. So what I chose to do is I put like a butterfly Band-Aid on it. And I would have people then ask like, oh, why do you have a butterfly Band-Aid on your face? I'm like, because I have a giant pimple on my face and I thought it was cuter for you to stare at a little butterfly on my face than a big honking pimple. I didn't care that I had either one. I just thought it'd be nicer to look at the butterfly. So as you move about your life, think about all the things that you bring up first that is an insecurity and recognize that that insecurity is coming from you, and it's your projection from you onto other people. Because again, people have eyes. We all notice things. And if you want to address it, address it. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. You know, I remember another story. I was at the gym one day, and, you know, I was sitting on a machine. There was a guy next to me, and he couldn't— he obviously saw me notice that he had Speaking of limbs, he had two blades—not one, but two—and he was just sitting on the piece of equipment. We were both resting between sets, and I happened to notice them. And you know, we smiled at each other, and I kind of gave him a little head nod. And I was like, "So, did you make yourself taller?" And he looked at me; he laughed. He goes, "Absolutely." He goes, "But it was a little uneven." I said, "So, how much taller?" He goes, "Well, an inch on one side and three quarters on another." I'm like, "Solid." I'm like, "If you're gonna have blades and they're adjustable, you might as well take advantage of it." And then we got to talking about it, and. It was just like normal, just conversation, and he was cool and I was cool, and that was it. If there's a judgment that you have about yourself that you're projecting onto other people, ask yourself why you're so insecure about it and what are some of the things that you can do to help yourself overcome that. Because a lot of the judgments that we think people have about us are really our own judgments about us. I hope you guys have a great day. Remember, this is your time. And again, you can always find me at most social media at Nicole Holler Coaching, as well as my website where you can request topics, guests, book me for speaking events, as well as learn more about breakthrough coaching as well as fitness coaching. Have a great day.