MBA1784 Guest Teacher – Jon Levy – How to Quickly Earn Trust

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Hey O welcome to the Hundred Doll RBA Show. No fluff, just the good stuff every single day with our daily 10 minute business lessons for the real world. I'm your host, your coach, your teacher Omar Zenholm. I'm also the co founder of Webinar Ninja, an independent software company I started with my partner back in 2014 and today's episode is a Guest Teacher episode. On our Guest Teacher episodes we bring on an expert to teach their area of expertise. Today we have a very special guest, John Levy. John Levy is an author, speaker and an incredible human being. I got to know John as a friend recently. I was intrigued by what he does. Over a decade ago, John started something called Influencers Dinners, a secret dining experience with Olympians, celebrities, artists, musicians where they go over his house, cook dinner together and get to know one another. His TED Talk, what Makes Us Influential is one of my favorite TED talks of all time. That's why I'm so pumped for him to come on today's show and teach us how to quickly earn trust. What is trust made out of? What are the things that cause us to trust one another and how can we implement those things in our daily life? That and so much more will be shared with us in today's Guest Teacher lesson by John Levy. So let's get into it. Let's get down to business.

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As I mentioned, I have recently gotten to know John Levy, today's guest teacher, and he's taught me already so much about how to connect and make relationships real. How to build deep relationships with really interesting people. But it all starts with trust. Trusting one another. You really can't build a deep relationship with somebody if you don't trust them. So I'm going to pass it on to John to teach his guest teacher a lesson. But I'll be back to wrap up today's episode, fill in any gaps, and talk a little bit about John's book. You're invited. And why you should read this book as soon as possible. But for now, take it away, John.

Welcome, everybody. I'm John Levy, behavioral scientist and founder of the Influencers. And today I'm going to talk to you about building trust. Now, trust is one of these incredible things. We always talk about how important it is, how it's essential for our relationships and for our personal and business success. But here's what's really weird. While I was researching my new book, you're Invited the Art and Science of Cultivating Influence, it became really clear that almost none of us know how it actually works, even though we all know it's essential to our success. Let's face facts, if people don't trust us, we're not going to succeed. But if I were to ask you what creates trust? Or what is trust made out of? Chances are you wouldn't be able to tell me. So by the end of this podcast My mission is for you to have the equivalent of a PhD in trust, so that any person you want to connect with in a deep and meaningful way, you'll be able to accomplish that. And of course, if you want more information, check out my new book, you're the Art and Science of Cultivating Influence. So you might be asking yourself, why on earth am I an expert on trust? Well, the answer is really weird. For more than a decade, I've been running a secret dining experience with a twist. 12 people are invited. They cannot talk about what they do, when, or even give their last name. They come to my home, they cook dinner together, and when they sit down to eat, everybody guesses what everybody else does, only to find out their fellow guests were Olympic medalists, Nobel laureates, CEOs of global companies, editors in chiefs, and the occasional member of royalty. It has grown into the largest community of its kind in the world, with over 2000 members that have attended 227 dinners in 10 cities and 3 countries. So why did I develop an expertise in trust? Because if you're going to connect with highly influential people, the type of people you want to do business with, the type of people you want as customers, and they're going to be handling knives because they're cooking together, there needs to be at least a base level of trust. And so I needed to figure out what are the characteristics that create trust and how do we do it quickly so that we can develop those relationships and accomplish what's important to us, whether that's promote a social cause, grow our company, make friends, or really affect the culture in the organization we're a part of. If I were to ask you what trust is made out of, you'd probably have a hard time describing it. It's something you feel. But researchers have been able to figure out that in general, it's made out of three things. The first is competence. You're capable of doing what you say you're going to do. The second is honesty. You have integrity. You're truthful. And the third is benevolence. You have other people's best interests at heart. Now, here's what's really interesting. Even though trust is made of three pillars, they're not all equal. So if one of your co workers, who's usually really great, comes into work tomorrow, does a presentation and bombs, you probably don't think, oh, they're incompetent. I can't trust them anymore. Instead, what you probably think is they had an off day notice, they've breached trust. But you're still willing to continue to trust them. What's weird about that is that if one of your co workers breached honesty, meaning they lied to you, you'd probably doubt everything they have said and everything they say moving forward. But there's this really weird loophole, and that loophole is if the two of us are walking down the street and I say, hey, do you mind if we stop by my friend's house? I just need to pick something up. And you say, sure. And when we enter, 40 of your closest friends jump out and scream, surprise. It would be really weird if you turned to me and said, john, we can't be friends anymore. You just lied to me. And the reason it would be weird is because we accept those kinds of lies because they're for our best interest. They're benevolent. They're harmless in essence. Now, that means that we as human beings tend to value benevolence above honesty and honor. Honesty above competence. And here's what's really interesting about that. Most companies and organizations, most people try to lead with competence. They try to show others that they're capable of doing things. But it turns out that that's not the thing we value the most. Instead, what we need to demonstrate first and foremost is that we're benevolent. We have other people's best interests at heart, and that we are honest. And in time, we can demonstrate competence. After all, it's much easier to become more competent over time than for somebody to change their behavior completely and go from being selfish to being benevolent and caring about others. So when we interact with our customers, potential friends, whoever it is, the key is to lead with benevolence. So that's what trust is made out of. Now let's dive into how it actually works. If you look at what most companies or organizations do to try to get you to like them more or trust them more, they'll take clients out for expensive dinners or throw a party and give you a swag bag. But think about this. Most of those dinners are really unappealing to go to. And most of us throw out those swag bags or we gift them. So that doesn't really work. So it raises the question, what does that? And it turns out it's the exact opposite. It's called the IKEA effect. It turns out that human beings disproportionately care about their IKEA furniture because they had to assemble it. This is actually true for anything we invest effort into. It's why people care about their own kids versus other people's. It's because they had to put in all the effort to raise them and care for them and help them with their homework and so on. So if we can figure out ways for people to invest effort into one another, they'll care more. Now, a lot of people do things or say things like, oh, I want to be able to do it on my own. I don't want to bother people. I want to put in all the effort myself. That's actually a terrible strategy. I cannot emphasize this enough. You want to accept people's offers for support and you want to ask for favors. Because when people do you favors, they invest effort and they care more about you. I'm going to repeat this. Accept people's offers for support. It will actually get them to like you more. The reason is something called a vulnerability loop. You see, most people think that trust precedes vulnerability, but it's actually the exact opposite. So let's say I'm sitting in an office not far from you, it's my first day, and you hear me say, wow, I am totally overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm going to get all this work done. I have just signaled vulnerability. I've stated that I don't know if I'm capable of accomplishing. Now, if you hear that and you ignore it or make fun of me, it's going to reduce the trust between us. But if you acknowledge it and then throw out your own signal for vulnerability, like, you know what, John? I was totally overwhelmed my first week, too. Let's see if we can figure this out then. We've both demonstrated that we can be vulnerable to the same degree and thereby trust each other more. Now, this is how trust is actually formed. It's formed by either putting out a vulnerability signal, having somebody match it, or recognizing that somebody else has. That's also the reason the IKEA effect works. It's because when we put effort into something together, something that's too big for any one of us to complete by ourselves, it naturally creates and closes vulnerability loops in the process. What's really wild is that it's really likely that every time we complete a vulnerability loop, we actually release oxytocin, that moral molecule or that cuddle chemical that's famous for bonding babies and their mothers. You see, it's this pro social neuropeptide that's been known to get people to care more about each other. And that's what's amazing about trust, is that it's a feeling. And that feeling is most likely a byproduct of joint Effort and these vulnerability loops. So now you know the science of how to build trust. We have to figure out how to do something that has joint effort, that demonstrates benevolence, trust and competence. So what I love to do is go the completely different route than everyone else. I like to do something novel. Instead of taking people out to dinner, I started a secret dining experience where people cook together. And that joint activity causes them to care more about each other and trust one another. Instead of meeting someone for a drink, I like to go on a hike and work out together. It could literally be anything. You could invite people to be on the same team as you as you're playing a game, or you could even do an art project. Here's something absolutely insane. It turns out that if both of us are doing like wall sits at a gym, just the experience of pain together from the workout, even if we don't talk to each other, will actually cause us to feel more related to one another. The important thing about trust is that we reimagine the way that we actually create it. It's not about winning people over buying them stuff. It's about doing something natural for human beings, which is find something that requires shared effort. Find something that you can work on together so that you end up caring more about each other and developing deeper bonds. It's the exact reason that nobody likes to network. It doesn't feel natural. It feels like you're using someone, like you're doing something artificial. It doesn't feel benevolent. Instead, if you want people to trust you, accept their invitations for support, ask them for favors, and make sure that you do some back because nobody likes a taker. And then make sure that you continuously demonstrate benevolence, competence. If this was helpful, I'd love for you to check out my new book, you're the Art and Science of Cultivating Influence. In there, we're going to dive deep into the stories and science of what causes us to connect, build trust, develop a meaningful and profound level of belonging, and how all this actually causes our success. From human longevity all the way through to our business success. I can't wait to hear from you and I hope you enjoy.

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Such an insightful lesson by John Levy. I love that John mentioned vulnerability. I'm making a conscious effort to get to know more people in my community, in the business world and beyond. And often when I meet somebody that I just feel like I can't be friends with, it always boils down to the fact that I just feel like I don't know who this person is. They're not revealing themselves, they're not opening up, they're not being vulnerable. So immediately I start asking myself that question, am I being vulnerable enough? Am I opening up and sharing maybe some mistakes I've made or some of the things that are bothering me? Of course we're not going to be complaining in people's ears, but just being real. This is how we connect as human beings. I love the fact that John talked about it in his lesson. Now you got some homework? Go ahead to John's website. John Levy that's J O N L E V Y T L b dot com and pick up his book. You're invited. It just got released. Buy the book and read it immediately. Because every day, every week, every month that goes by without you knowing how to build that trust, build relationships with people, make connections is a day wasted. We only have a certain amount of time to build our businesses, to build our relationships. And the more we delay, the harder we make it on ourselves. So go ahead and do that right now. Go ahead and pick up you're invited where you love to buy books. Or go to John Levy. J O N L E V Y T L b dot com and pick it up today. Thanks so much for listening to the $100 show. If you love what you hear, smash that subscribe button so you never miss an episode and you get access to all our archive episodes. Over 1700 business lessons in our archives. Absolutely free. Hit subscribe on whatever app you use to listen to podcasts. Before I go, I want to leave you with this. Remember, trust is earned and this means that you have to be consistent and build upon relationships. You're going to have strong connections with people just off one meeting. If you meet somebody that you really enjoy their company, make an effort to see them again and again. Set up the dinners, set up activities, jump on a video call, whatever it takes. Great people are worth the effort. Thanks so much for listening and I'll check you in tomorrow's episode. I'll see you then. Take care.

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