Should my job keep me from my best friend’s wedding?

Am I the asshole in this situation for prioritizing work over my best friend's wedding?

I don't buy it. Like, and my thing is like, this guy better be making so much money. Don't miss your best friend's wedding because you're working too hard.

Please don't. Unless you're paying for a Snoop Dogg cameo or unless Adele is showing up. You're listening to Off the VPN, the show where two work besties get real about working in tech.

What's up, Allison?

Namaste.

What's up with you? I'm ready. I'm ready to just chat away with you today. So you just had a couple of like interesting stuff happening. Not only a recent birthday, happy belated birthday, but also 5 years working with me. It's not your anniversary, it's your 5th year working with me.

Half a decade.

Half a decade we have been working together.

Do I still surprise you or do you pretty much know how I'm going to react to things?

I think you surprise me in your, like, you always have really great ideas. Like, you know, I always will hit you up. It doesn't matter if you're working up on the thing that I'm working on. I will literally hit you up over anybody. I'll be like, what do you think of this thing? Cuz I always know you're gonna surprise me with like a different way of looking at something. So I would say in that regard you still surprise me, but as far as like how you'll respond to something, no.

Yeah, we pretty, we pretty much know each other extremely well at this point, I would say.

So what are we talking about today, Allison?

We're doing a little friends and family theme. So question for you, because I know that I've, you know, over the years working as a software engineer, told people, my family, told friends, like what I do for a living and I wanna say that it is mostly misunderstood. So, question for you is, what is one of the biggest misconceptions that a friend or a family member has had about your role in tech, in software? Or if you wanted to describe like how you think your mom would describe your job, like what would she say?

I have so many funny stories about this, I wouldn't even know where to start. They have no idea what I do. Like my mom regularly asks me what my job is and when people describe, like my father would literally be like, "Oh yeah, my daughter does the computers." That is like a direct quote. She does the computers.

Do you not though?

I mean, I guess. Yeah. So I do the computers. My mom really tries to understand, you know, 'cause I wanna tell her something that happened or whatever. So I have this ongoing metaphor with her about how engineering is like building a house, 'cause she understands construction and she actually is really handy. So, if I'm talking about like front-end people or people in the front end, I'll be like, "They're like the interior decorators or like they're—" Don't front-end people, don't come for me, please. I was just trying, I'm trying. But like infrastructure is like the foundation of the house, like, you see? So, the metaphor breaks down typically, but that is like my mediator to explain to my mom my job. So I love it.

What about you? I'm gonna steal it. I do feel like it's a lot of works with computers. One that really sticks out to me was when I had a friend say something like, wow, your job must be so hard memorizing all those codes. And I was like, wait, what? Like, you like, I'm a software developer. Like you, You know, and she was like, yeah, right. Like, don't you memorize like codes all day long? I remember those codes. I was like, I mean, I guess like in theory you kind of commit some stuff to memory, but I had to explain, it's like, no, it's like you learn different languages. It's not too different from like learning any type of spoken language, right? That also has a written component. And I had to just like, erase this whole, I think, theory she had about people who work with computers where they're just like memorizing zeros and ones.

I do think there are a lot of different misconceptions with our job, and sometimes it can also get really messy. And then next story that I actually have for you, Alice, and I wanna share, which is really talking about how this stuff can get really messy. Even if you do have someone that you know, uh, that is a software engineer in the tech industry that's in your family, it doesn't get any better, so that's this next story. All right, let's hear it. Am I the asshole for refusing to give my niece a job referral? I am a senior software engineer and work at a local software shop. We aren't super big, but we are profitable and make a B2B SaaS web app. It is a small company and everyone knows each other really well. I was recently having dinner with my sister whose daughter graduated in CS 2 years ago and was a junior programmer. She worked for iRobot, but got laid off recently. We were talking about tech-related topics while we were having dinner, and she seemed like someone really passionate about the industry, so I mentioned that there were openings at my workplace. She then inquired about job referrals. Since we never really worked together, I told her I could do so, but I'd like to ask her a question to gauge her knowledge and would only refer her if she passed. Is this at the dinner table? Okay, keep going. This sounds like the troll, like at the bridge, like, you have to answer my question. Answer these code questions and you get your job referral. Also, I don't—

sorry, did you say that they were at a dinner table? I don't know why I'm picturing everyone at dinner.

Okay. Okay. All of a sudden, the, like, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire music was on.

Someone's like, pass the potatoes. Like, in the middle of, like, so how would you implement bubble sort?

Like, what is that? Yeah, right. Crazy, crazy. So he— I love that you said bubble sort because you think this is funny. So he said, I asked for a problem I knew off the top of my head on dynamic programming to use CS concepts to maximize the amount of coins by opening boxes, which is quite similar to a problem— stop laughing.

I'm just picturing like the mac and cheese is getting cold.

All right, all right, all right, all right. This is so crazy, right? I asked her a problem I knew off the top of my head on dynamic programming to use CS concepts to maximize the amount of coins by opening boxes, which is quite similar to a popular problem on bursting balloons on LeetCode. LeetCode, come on. We love LeetCode. No, we don't. No, we don't. LeetCode's great, but people misuse LeetCode. I think this is a good example of that. She failed to produce an efficient answer within 45 minutes and only finally got it after an hour and a half after a hint. So I said I could not refer her, but she was free to apply on her own. My sister is now upset at me and calls me an asshole and said I should try to help her and that it was unfair to test her on the spot. The thing is, I don't want to take any risks as if I did refer her. She would probably get hired as our interviews are very easy and almost all referred candidates get hired. But then if she performed badly after being referred, it would reflect really bad on me. I know the question I asked is not related to the job, but I still think it's a good way to test one's intelligence.

Maximizing coins. Okay. He said it has nothing to do with the job.

I would hope not.

What, what boxes are we opening?

She still has a job, man. She should just play it off. Like, what?

I don't know why I can't stop picturing her like at the dinner table with like a note, a spiral notebook and a pencil. And it's like 45 minutes have gone by and like her plate of food is getting cold and everyone else is eating and talking around her. Like, this is not an environment conducive to answering on the spot engineering question.

I feel like you got it all wrong. This guy seems so prepared. He definitely pulled out LeetCode. Like he pulled out a laptop and was like, go. I've been ready. The fact he said, I have this problem off the top of my head.

Like what, what did he do? Listen, maybe he's LeetCodeing all day, every day.

Maybe that's his hobby. Also, he said he worked for like a B2B, like a small B2B. She worked for iRobot. Like she has some pretty good exp— like experience. Yeah, like, what are you bugging about? Like, I just— it just seemed like elitism and just like unnecessary gatekeeping. I stand by it.

This is not the right environment for assessing this person's capabilities, right? While I understand they're— they maybe wanted some level of confidence before like a full referral and a full interview. Like I think that's actually fine. Like I'm, I'm not mad at that part, but I think that this was not the right environment for it. And I think finding a time that would have benefited her as well was really important and that was missed. Right. So, cuz it sounds like it just happened like, oh, I have a question for you. Let's do this now. Let's get this outta the way. He gave her a hint, right?

Yeah, after an hour he gave her a hint. Okay.

So it's like, A, it was not the right time or place, it sounds like. And B, did he even sit with her afterwards and like actually just outta the goodness of his heart be like, I want you to understand this, like, let's talk through it. You know what I mean? Like, or was he just like, nah, you fail, you're not getting my referral.

He shouldn't have asked the question to begin with. No, right. Like you are not the hiring manager, A. B, he said, oh, she would definitely get the job if she applied because the interview's quote unquote too easy anyway. So first you are automatically assuming she's not good. Second, you're automatically being like, oh, I'm gonna gatekeep this because I don't want you to have this job. The girl is literally your niece and just got laid off. Yeah. You don't need, I get like, listen, I don't give out referrals. Like I'm like that type of girl. Like especially if I haven't worked with you, like I am very like stingy with my referrals, but you can still refer somebody in a way that's not like, hey, I am advocating that they're this fantastic worker. You can say, hey, this person's looking for a job and they're interested. I haven't worked with them before, but let me connect you guys and you can go through the interview process. Why do we gotta do like, who wants to be a millionaire at dinner? Literally send an email after dinner's done and be like, hey, Oh, this is my niece. She's looking for something. If we have something, let me just connect the two. Even asking the question was wrong in my opinion.

I agree that it was wrong at that time and place. I think that this guy, this person sounds similar to actually what you just said, which is like, you don't just go and give out referrals to whoever, like especially if you haven't worked with them. And that's sort of what he was saying is like, I haven't worked with her before, which I kind of thought was funny. He's like, yeah, like that's your niece. Like how often do you actually? You know, like end up working with your family. But it seems like that's why he was asking the question too. He wanted to do some sort of de-risking in the same way that like you might say no to someone who asks you for a referral because you haven't worked with them before.

But it's, you could still connect people. Like you don't have to refer, but I, I see what you're saying. You're saying like he wanted to at least be like, oh, you can get my referral if you do this thing. But It just seems gross. It's giving, like, I would never.

I am totally with you. Yeah. Yeah. The play is just like connect your niece to the company, to somebody else. Say, I've not worked with this person before. Handle it as you would normally. Right.

Yeah. You know what I think, honestly? Oh, I think he's just like secretly mad because he got rejected at iRobot.

I think that's actually the This is a spite thing.

This is, this is actually like what this is all about.

He asked her for a referral to iRobot and she was like, listen, I'm gonna need you to pop these balloons for me or something.

And he failed. I hope she has like the most incredible career and like she has the opportunity to sit on this like, oh yeah, remember you didn't think I was smart enough? That's crazy. Like, I, I could, I love it. It could never be me. Like it could never be me.

No, so verdict.

Yeah, no, it's ultimately over-ego, thinking you're too smart, like lots of judgmental. So I mean, it's a very clear verdict on my side.

I don't know about you. Oh yeah, no, no, it's— that's the fun thing is like you can't assume everything about this person's intentions, and so you can kind of see like glimmers of, okay, well maybe they were approaching it this way or that way, but no, vote Vote is in asshole.

Yeah. Oh yeah. I was gonna say on 3. 1, 2, 3. Asshole. Yeah.

No, sorry dude. Okay. I have another Am I the Asshole question for you, except this one isn't dealing with family. It's dealing with friends. Are you ready? Okay. All right. Okay. Am I the asshole for not attending my best friend's wedding because of an important work project? Probably. I'm kind of caught in a situation and I honestly can't tell if I was in the wrong here. I'm a software engineer and my team has been working on this massive project for the past couple months, which has a strict and non-negotiable deadline. We had to push really hard to meet this deadline and it unfortunately coincided with my best friend's wedding. We've been close since college and he told me from the start I was going to be his best man. I was genuinely excited for him and his fiancée and was looking forward to being a part of their big day. We had gone through all the motions, from me helping pick out a suit to organizing his bachelor party. However, as fate would have it, the final week before the project's deadline overlapped with his wedding weekend. My project manager made it clear that if our project wasn't submitted on time, the company would lose crucial contract worth millions, and it could even lead to layoffs. I was essential to the project and there was no one who could step in for me without jeopardizing the work we had done. I talked to Alex about it, and though he tried to be understanding, I could tell he was hurt. I suggested joining via video call for the ceremony and even sending a heartfelt video message to be played during the reception. But he seemed to think I was choosing work over our friendship. Yes. Am I the asshole in this situation for prioritizing work over my best friend's wedding? It wasn't just a regular day at the office, but the culmination of a huge project with serious repercussions. On the other hand, I've potentially damaged a friendship that meant the world to me. I keep going back and forth on whether I made the right call, and I'd appreciate an outside perspective.

I, I have questions.

I might not have answers, but let's hear them.

Okay, my first thing, like, before we even get into the decision-making process here— yeah, what project that has such a tight deadline and will lose— how much money was it? Millions. That's gonna lose millions of dollars for this one project. I want to know what that project was like. First of all, yeah, first of all, that's millions of dollars in your pocket. Facts, facts. So that, that's my first thing is like, what is even going— like, what kind of project is this? Second is like, I don't see anything in here about attempting to ask like, hey, I need this day off. Like, what, like, what is your work scenario that you can't even be like, hey, I can't take this day off? I'm— that will be the day if I lose— I don't go to my best friend's wedding because of work.

Like, What? Where you're the best man, like critical part of the whole day and it's a year out.

Like you should have already been took that week off.

It sounds like maybe potentially this person did take that week off and like had planned to, of course. Also they said it overlapped with the wedding weekend, so I don't even know if it was a PTO situation, right? I think what happened is that the. Project's deadline like somehow probably got pushed back so that it overlapped. It's hard to tell if it was like poor planning, they didn't take it off, or if like things changed and they decided to prioritize finishing the project over the wedding.

Maybe. Yeah. But even then you could still be like, I need a few hours. You could still go to the ceremony and then go to your laptop in the hotel or go like you— there's, there were a lot of options here. True. That was not what they did. Something seems weird.

I know this post is about the author, but can we talk about this company? How can you get into a situation like this where there is only one person who is essential to the project that is worth millions of dollars?

I don't buy this. I don't buy it. Like, and my thing is like, this guy better be making so much money. This guy better be making a half a mil a year, easy. If this guy is not making at least $300K a year and you're doing this and you're that big of like a bu— I don't know. I'm throwing out numbers. I don't actually, like, somebody go find the actual thing, but I'm saying like, you should be making crazy dollars for you to be making decisions like this. And even then it's still not worth it. Anyway, sorry. I know you're talking about the company, but I'm just like, yes, this company sounds weird unless there's something like we don't know here, which is like maybe this person assumed this because a lot of people have issues with conflict and setting boundaries. So this could be the company, this could be the person not setting the boundaries. It could be a bit of both. I don't really know. All I know is this could never be me. That is crazy.

It's your best friend's wedding. You are playing a role in it. You are making sure that other people are covering this project at whatever cost you need to. You are reiterating over and over again, hey, I'm unavailable this weekend from this date to this date. Completely unavailable. Off the grid. Cannot find me. I actually don't care if you make 300 grand a year. Like, this is your bat nap.

No, it doesn't make it better. No. But at least, at least be making it. If you're gonna say something like that, you better be getting made crazy money. Like, if my best friend was like, I'm not coming to your wedding, I'll be like, and you don't make at least like a crazy amount of money, I'd be like, girl, what are you doing? Like that job's not even that good.

I would be like, go get your bag and then give me half if you're gonna miss my special day.

Okay. Facts. I'd be like, you better give me the craziest, like, like wedding check, wedding check. Cuz the whole point here is like, oh, I don't wanna lose my job or something like that. Yeah. Which is fair, understandable.

Job security.

They clearly need you. True. So use that to your advantage.

Stand on business. True. But hold on, I wanted you to pick up on this and you didn't. Can we talk about what I didn't pick up? The sending a heartfelt video message to be played during the reception as a, as a stand-in for missing the wedding. What do you even say?

What's your opening line? I've seen this happen at weddings for people who can't show, but usually it's because they're like out of the country or something, or like something—

you can't travel.

I don't know if this person is— it'd be crazy if this person's like down the street. They're like across or a different country or something, like maybe, or if they were like sick. Like, there's lots of reasons why this could be an appropriate thing. This didn't feel like one of them. And again, why don't you just show up if it's like that serious and you need to put hours in that day and you really are like, I need to do both? Again, you're making mad bread. You're like, honestly, I can only do like half the day and the other half— which again, I do not say— I honestly wish people would not do that, but you could just Show up, like, at least, like, show up for the ceremony and be like, I have to leave early because my job is going to, like, fire me if I don't show up. Like, you could have came up with an alternative plan. That's not recording a video is crazy.

Yeah, no, you're so right. Like, it didn't need to be the whole 8-hour day. You could have given your friend 30 minutes and that would have been better than Nothing.

I mean, we should just talk about the friend. Why didn't he just move the wedding?

Yep. You're right. That, that was the logical response. And we know who the real asshole is here today. Obviously. And the company should've paid for the expenses to move the wedding. Like we all needed to be working together harmoniously to change the date of this wedding that was being planned for a whole year. They really messed up. Yeah, obviously they really did. So do you have a verdict?

Is this clear cut? I think this shouldn't have been a problem at all and they should have set boundaries. And I keep joking about money, but I don't think any amount would make me miss my friend's wedding, like my best friend's wedding. So like at all, there's no way I'd be like, okay, bye. It's just hard to call them an asshole as if they're just because they wanna secure the bag and that's why. Yes. If it's because they're just really bad at boundaries, I'd say they're misguided and they need help. That's my verdict. Yours? Yeah, very similar though.

I think I'm a little bit harsher just because like the, the language to me, right? He said, but he seemed to think I was choosing work over our friendship. Next sentence, am I the asshole for prioritizing work over my best friend's wedding? Like you did choose work over your friendship. Yeah. Right. So I mean, again, I agree it's hard to call this person an asshole, but are they just like really not self-aware? Like not seeing like how those things like, yeah, work together. Right. I wouldn't be me, uh, respectfully judging cuz we don't have all the details, but I just, uh, I feel bad for him.

Like if you are not able to set a boundary with your job in this way, like you are just not gonna live a happy life. And I feel like they really need to figure out how to do that. Yeah. Because that's, that's how I feel. It's like, I'm just like, that is so sad that you're gonna miss your best friend's wedding. So you, you are calling them an asshole. Like a little bit. You've had a wedding, so I feel like you have more empathy probably towards the married party, to be fair. Maybe when I'm on the other end, I'll be like, oh, like you were wrong for that. No, I'd probably be really mad at my best friend if they did that to me.

It's, it's just already arguably a really stressful time, right? Like you are project managing a wedding. Forget work projects. Like that has a ton at play and there's a lot of moving parts. And so I can just imagine this groom already being in like a really crazy chaotic headspace of like, ah, we've just been planning for a year. And then this person comes in and is like, by the way, I won't be making it. I know I'm your best man. I will not be there because I have a work deadline, which you knew about until you see that video and everything's okay, right?

Hey, so the heartfelt video is played.

If they, you know what, you know what would make that work? If they did like a cameo for the video and like paid some, like, I don't know, like Snoop Dogg or like someone really cool to do the heartfelt message that I did.

Again, they better be making that money so they could pay for Snoop Dogg. Like, that's the thing. Like, if you're gonna be doing this, at least put more effort. I'd be like, listen, I can't go, you know, but I will send— Adele is going to play at your wedding. Like, that's like a fair— I'm saying like more effort. Yeah. Like if you're going to do that and my best friend was like, I can't go, I'd be mad. But if she was like, but I'm going to send you Matt— like, there better be a good— you need to have a good reason and you better make me feel better about it. Like, I'll still be sad, but with money. Like, you know, just like he said, but with gifts and money. Exactly. And I was like, ah. So I actually think that this is a good segue. Like, we're talking about how do you think about work-life balance and setting those boundaries. And I actually found a question very related to this kind of topic. I think we see this a lot where people have— they become so obsessed with their jobs, they're into their jobs, they kind of lose track of other things in life and like the kind of, what do they call that, like grind culture is so huge that people miss out on other things. And so this question I found was from Experienced Devs. It says, how do you put less of yourself into work? I've always been seen as a high performer at work, staff level at a couple of smaller companies, et cetera. What people don't see is the amount of energy and work it takes to keep this up. I don't really relate to people who say they only do a few hours of real work a week, but lucky them. I'm at the point where I either quit my job and take a lengthy sabbatical or find a different way to relate to work, organize my workday or something similar so I can put less overall effort into it. I'm at a small enough company now that people would start to notice if I was slacking, but I do wonder if there's a way I could get 80% of the results with a lot less of the effort.

I think we spend a lot of our time working, right? Like usually standard 40 hours a week, sometimes it's more. And so it's hard, I think, to tell someone like, stop caring so much because it is so much of your time, right? You wouldn't wanna spend 40 hours a week doing something that you hate or despise or that's boring or whatever, just because it pays your bills. I mean, I'm sure many people do that, but Ideally you wouldn't, right? And so I, what's interesting, I guess it sounds like this person was really passionate for a long time, but it's just like caught up to them. And so they're trying to figure out like, how do I make space and energy for other things?

Some people are gonna tell you to care less about work, and I actually think that caring more about other things is what's going to help you to balance that out. Which is what you're saying. Like, I think filling that space, finding those things, and then you can maybe make that choice. Maybe it is a sabbatical. Maybe it is just you balance your time a little more effectively.

Maybe it's a new hobby. I mean, life is kind of like, uh, I don't know, this is a terrible analogy, like an investment portfolio, right? Like you don't wanna put a funny—

where, where are you going with this?

You don't wanna 100%. Hold on. You don't wanna put 100% of your dollar bills in like one thing, right? You wanna diversify, diversify your life. Like why would you put all of your energy into just work? Especially if it's not bringing you what you expect out of life, which I am assuming that that is not the case because this person is clearly asking for advice, right? So like, Could you try a new hobby? Could you try and learn a new skill? Like, what are some things that you can do, to your point, that you can focus on outside of work that you care about that might reduce how much you care about work without needing to full stop and be like, I'm outta here. Like, maybe that's still the outcome that that person needs. Like, tons of people talk about, maybe I need to take sabbaticals, maybe I need some time off. It's definitely a thing people do when they're struggling with burnout. But also, we don't have enough information to know, like, has this person tried other things to focus on outside of work? And so I agree that I think putting more energy there might lead to some helpful, positive outcomes in terms of their relationship to their work.

I feel like I warmed up to your analogy. I don't know where you were going with it, but if the return on investment is happiness or joy. Yeah. By diversifying the areas that you receive that. So not just, I coded this thing and I got accolades at work. That can be a sense of joy. There's definitely times where I feel way more focused on work than anything else, but having other sources, because some— your job is not always gonna be that. It's not always gonna be the best thing in the world, and that's okay. Yeah. You have other areas that you're getting returns on. Investment portfolio. Yep. And so you're diversifying in that way. And so you have all these other areas you can get that. I like that idea.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket would've sufficed. But I, I do like the investment portfolio analogy just 'cause I don't know, pie charts are pretty.

I think a question for this person is like, why are you high performing to that degree? Or like, what are you performing for? Is a question I think to have. I know for me, and I know you, you relate to this too, cuz we've talked about it over the years, it's like having like these super high expectations on ourselves and that being a driving factor. I think that I find, especially even with like managing ICs, I saw that a lot too with people who have like perfectionism where they just put all this extra effort into making something perfect. And I think when you allow yourself to be imperfect, there's so much bandwidth that you free up in your brain, whether it's like the work you produce or how you show up into something. Like, I feel like I used to overthink how I was just showing up, what to— from what I wore to how I spoke to overthinking the thing I did say and being like, oh my God, maybe I should have said that better, or just kind of being hard on myself. And once you free up that and work on reducing perfectionism, I think that that can also help with that burnout factor because you spend a lot less time thinking on that stuff or spending an extra like 4 hours on a thing that honestly, like the 85%, like this person was saying, is probably good enough. Sometimes like 80% is good enough. 80% is good enough to get a PR and then have people look at something, right? It doesn't need to be prim and proper and perfect.

I think the perfectionism thing is huge for me personally. It's the cliché, but I think this happens inside of work and outside of work. But like, I don't know, going to bed at night or— and trying to like finally settle down, you're like doing your meditation routine, and then you think about something you said at work and you're like, oh my gosh, I shouldn't have said it that way, or how do they receive that, or like you have all those anxious thoughts sort of creep in. And I think at some point, you know, you just have to like give yourself more credit and know that you have good intentions, right? And no one intentionally wants to do bad work, but I think realizing I can do 80% of this and I'll get really good feedback by showing it early. Right? Like, don't go to that line where you're super happy with something because somebody's gonna come in and say, hey, I need you to do this, this, this, and this. Or like, this should change. Or like, why did you make this decision? And then you're gonna rethink things anyway. So why go the full 100% when you're more than likely gonna iterate anyway?

What are they gonna do, fire me?

I love the thought around Recognizing, are you a perfectionist? And this person didn't say that, but it's a really good call out. Like, they might be. What does it mean to be a high performer to you versus how do other people at your company view that? And how are those things aligned?

So I think for this person or anyone who's here, especially if you're like high level, I know one thing that they also said is like, well, I'm worried if I start doing a little less. People are gonna notice, I would take some of these things, think, really reflect, why are you high performing? Who are you high performing for? Some people it's like a psychological thing. They may have some traumas or whatever that they gotta like review, whether it's coming out through perfectionism or whatever scenario. Figure out the psychological reasons, especially if you feel like you're doing things you don't want to be doing. That's like a good thing to go through. Second. Find other things. All right, if you're not doing that, what would you do with that time when you free it up? And then I would also say, and let's hope that this person has like a good manager, I would have this discussion, like set that new expectation, like, hey, I have been overworking myself and I need to set a new pattern. You can discuss what you think that's going to look like and have that conversation so that you can feel like 'Oh my God, I'm not going to lose my job because I'm kind of cutting back.' Such good advice.

So important that you called out the manager conversation. I would even go further too, like, if you have any colleagues that you connect with, any work besties, you know, like, talk to them about these things too, right? Because it's impacting you and how you show up at work, and they mentioned it's a huge amount of energy to keep it up. So it's like you kind of want, I think, to set a new standard with everyone that you work closely with, not just your manager, if you're in a position to do that, if you have those relationships and that type of trust built. Exactly.

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