Ray CantGetRight Sorrell Presents "I Shouldn't Say This"

Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant.

And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew, y'all better sing that damn song.

You would see the biggest gift would be—

Thug ass sing, nigga.

A card attached would say thank you for being Ray Sorrell.

Pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause. I just felt like the spirit didn't move y'all the way I wanted it to. So we gonna do it again. 'Cause some thug-ass niggas in here. Act like you don't watch the damn Golden Girls. It's the coldest goddamn show in the world. You ready? You ready? All right, let's go. We gonna do choir rehearsal. Ready?

<LYRICS>Thank you for being a friend. Travel down the road.</LYRICS> back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant. And if you threw—

you know it, don't break up with his ass. Act like you don't know that song, sir.

You would see the biggest gift would be me, and the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.

Give y'all self a hand. I came out to the most gangsta song I know. How y'all doing? Thank y'all. Y'all look good tonight. Oh shit, y'all look good. They put all the pretty people up front too. Well, not all.

Most.

Most of y'all motherfuckers look— Everybody looking around like, "Which one you talking about?" Like, "You got cute tonight." Like, "You just caught that? It's gonna be all night." Just like, yo, it's the GED section of the room. Just, you know, shit. So let me explain something to some of y'all that may think that we started late. We didn't. This may be the first time y'all around colored people. You know what I'm saying? We never late. It seems like we're late, but we have our own time zone. Y'all, listen, we only— we brag about it. We call it color people time. Quit getting mad at your Black friends for coming 30, 40 minutes. That's normal. I'm gonna give you the cheat code tonight because I'm in the blessing business. That's what I'm doing. Amen. When your Black friend says They in the shower. They still in the bed. When they say Melanie, I'm in the car. They still getting dressed. That's how I knew Jesus was Black. He been coming for 2,000 years, still ain't showed up. I just put that out there. Too far, y'all? Feel it some kind of way? Shouldn't say that. Shouldn't say that. Fuck it, y'all in for a long night. Thank y'all for coming out though, man. Y'all look good to me. I really do. Thank you. First of all, I just moved back to San Antonio. A lot of y'all know that. And, uh, I finally retired. I finally retired. Yeah. Thank y'all. Thank y'all. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. From Christianity. Um, church folks like, that ain't funny. Yeah, it is. It's fucking hilarious. I mean, I mean, listen, when I joined church, I didn't know it was a bunch of rules and regulations. Truth of the matter is I was having a bad fucking day. Like, think about it. Nobody ever joins church having a good day. Think about that shit, ain't you? Like, either your parents made you go, you just lost your wife, you got cancer. Let me give my life to the Lord. Nobody hits the lottery and said, you know what, this is a good time to join church and give them half— 10% of my money. I mean, it's cool, nothing wrong with it, you know, church is good, you know, for That's what you like. Who said amen? Somebody said amen. I mean, me personally, I just wanted to be a good man. So that's why I joined church. That's what they told me. You gonna be a good man, you gotta join church. And really, I wanted to be like King, Reverend King. I wanted to be like Dr. King. He was a smooth-ass nigga. Plus, I heard he had a lot of hoes. The problem is this nigga walked too much. I'm like, shit, nigga, we can't drive to freedom? Like, the fuck? Like, are we opposed to getting in the truck and going together? Like, this is really— I think he's just trying to get his steps in, to be honest with you. But anyway, nah, I just wanted to be a good man, you know what I'm saying? And King was like the best example I had, for real. I looked around my family and shit, and I just— no offense to my family that's here— I really see no good role models, you know what I'm saying? You know, when you're growing up, you really don't see people that you like, "Well, I really want to be like him. I want to be—" Like, I looked at my Uncle Bobby, right? Nigga had a lace front. I'm like, I can't, can't follow a nigga with a lace front. You can't. Then it was too big too, 'cause he would turn his head and the wig would stay in the same space. I'm like, Bobby, that ain't God. Like, that ain't. My Uncle Curtis, that nigga was crazy. Motherfucker told us we can't watch Channel 4. I'm like, this is some bullshit. "The devil's in Channel 4." I'm like, "Oh, he's on Channel 4?" "No, it's in Channel 4." Like, "Okay, this nigga is not a good example." And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, I know I heard you, the spirit told me, you said, "Why not ask your daddy?" I'm Black, he wasn't there. No, psht, that's how I felt. He wasn't there, I'm like, "Damn." And when I saw my daddy, he was big, strong, he knew karate and shit, like the nigga went to Vietnam, got all these awards and shit, awards. But only thing that scared him was responsibility. And he was out. So I said, I gotta do something, man. So I joined church, and I was going to church, and I was feeling good about myself, you know what I'm saying? I like the fellowship of church. Like, if you ain't never been to a Black church, I invite you to go to a Black church. Listen, the hotter the church is, The more fun you're gonna have. I used to go to church just for the fellowship because it was always fun. Every time I went to church, I'm like, oh, this is all right. And then, you know, you learn the lingo and shit. You start, you know, first giving praises to God, Pastor, you all my brothers and sisters in Christ, amen. Some of y'all laugh because that's y'all daddy, right? That's how he talk. But it was cool, you know. I was going to church. The thing I really like about church more than anything else, y'all, it's the funerals. The funerals, that's what niggas showed the fuck out. You ain't never been to a Black fucking funeral, nigga. You are missing life. I go to funerals today just for the fun of it. I sit in the back. I don't even know the dead nigga. I just be in there having a good-ass time. They be in there shouting and yelling and screaming and shit. Like, that shit is fun. I'm sorry. I know y'all think about the dead person. They don't know what's going on. They gone. But I'm gonna get in trouble for saying this, but fuck it. I shouldn't say this. Y'all bought the tickets. There ain't no refunds. I used to love going to church, man, and they would sing them songs, but it was confusing sometimes. His eye is on the sparrow. Y'all know that song? Y'all know that song? His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches over me. Wait a minute, you just said his eye It's on a fucking sparrow. How in the fuck is he watching over you? You need to make up your mind. I'm confused now. Black songs, "I Won't Complain." You ever listen to the words of that song? "I won't complain. I've had some good days. I had some bad days." Nigga, that's a complaint. I've had some hills to climb. Nigga, that's a complaint. The fuck, man? You ain't fooling no goddamn body. You kind of putting out your grievances to God. But see, but when I look around and I think things over, all of my good days, watch this. I wave my— it's a fucking complaint. I'm telling you, they telling God on the cool. They complaining. Thank you for the echo. I didn't— you gonna do that all night, huh? Just second time he did this shit. We're gonna have to put this nigga out. Where's security at? I like fellowship though. I like, I like the fellowship of the church. I did. I like, I like the hugs and the smiles and BTU. Yeah, y'all don't know what that is, you ain't from the South. That's Bible training. Y'all ain't shit, boy. Y'all ain't been to church. He gonna keep doing that shit, ain't he? No, but we would do Bible training. I would love that, but it was things they would say in church that would kind of catch me off guard. The Holy Ghost fell. Is the Holy Ghost clumsy? But then they tell you at the same breath you got to catch the Holy Ghost. Why don't you just wait for him to fall? He should be pretty easy to catch. I'm just— But it was things, you know, when you read your Bible, it kind of fuck you up, right? You know, slaves obey your master. God said that? Slaves obey your master. It even says in the Bible that a woman on her cycle is unclean for 7 days. You mean to tell me God don't know about the reproduction? So it kind of fucked me up. But there was one scripture, I think it's in like Genesis 38. It's a guy named Onan. Onan was a cold motherfucker. Let me tell you why. This nigga came and he went. Y'all ain't listen to me. He came and he went. Judah told him, go fuck your sister-in-law. Oh my God, there's some gangster shit. He went in there and fucked her, but he didn't want to have a baby by her. That nigga pulled out and God killed him. Nigga, do you know I don't pull out to this day? I'm shooting the club up, nigga. Fuck that, God ain't gonna kill me. That's right. That's why when I meet you, I ask you, do you have a full or partial hysterectomy? 'Cause, uh, fuck that shit. I ain't— fuck the pregnancies. AJ, hey, hey, you better swallow that. That's why, like, I bust and I suck it right back up. I'm like, give me that back, give me that back. Repo that sperm. Repo that sperm. This nasty motherfucker here, boy. This— you know, the thing about it, when you talk like this, people think you crazy. You know what I'm saying? They think you crazy. But my thing is, there's nobody in the Bible that had a Bible. Thinking about that shit ages. What the fuck would they read? Like, nobody had a Bible. You know what I'm saying? So, I just believe in spirituality. I do. I believe in God. Some people say, "Well, how can you talk like this?" Bitch, I believe in God. Church and God is two different things. One's an entity, one's a spirit. Okay, y'all, y'all, we here. I don't— I just don't do the spirituality thing. Plus, I like keeping my money. Fuck that shit. It was expensive. That cover charge, motherfucker, boy. 10%? Nigga, we in a recession. 10%? What do I get for that 10%? But I've been through a lot, man. I've been through a lot. Just trying to be a good man. That's all I've been. I'm just I'm trying to be a good man, Monica. I'm trying to be a good man. And that's hard. That's hard. I'm going to tell you something. Don't judge me, though, because I was missing the fellowship when I got back to San Antonio. I went to this church, not because of theology, but I just wanted the fellowship. I wanted to feel loved again. Right. So I went to this church. I ain't going to tell you the name of the church, but it's on 1604. It's a bald-headed black preacher. I ain't going to say his name. Y'all, y'all rock with me. Just tell me what y'all think happened to me. Should I sue? Let me know. So I went to church. Now understand, I've been in church my whole life. So I went to church and they had altar call, and I noticed while he was, you know, doing all the talks and everything, he kept staring at me. Like, I'm like, I don't really like dudes staring me in my eyes like that. Like You know what I'm saying? A dude ain't supposed to look at another dude in the eye. That's just, something ain't right with that. We gotta fight, fuck that. So, this nigga staring at me like hard. Like he looking at me hard. I'm like, "Okay, why this nigga keep looking at me?" So, he like, "Let us do." Guess what? He was in the pulpit like that, y'all. He was in the pulpit. I was like, "Okay, let us do altar call now." I'm like, "Okay, I don't really think God want us doing altar call like that." So I go up there, 'cause that's what you do altar call. That's at the front of the church for y'all who ain't been there. And I went to the front of the church, and this nigga come out the pulpit, come right to me and grab my hand. Now wait a minute, hold on. I don't have a problem with you grabbing my hand, but don't do this the whole time we praying.

Like, you—

this nigga gay. I don't care what y'all say. This nigga gay. It was a Baptist church. I think LGBT, whatever that shit is, the B stands for Baptist. I ain't going back to that motherfucker. Then the motherfucker gonna start singing this shit. <LYRICS>Precious Lord, take—</LYRICS> Look right at me. <LYRICS>—my hand.</LYRICS> Motherfucker. You punk motherfucker. You— Get your ass on. That ain't God. That ain't God. That is not the spirit. It's the spirit, but it ain't God. It's some other shit. I don't know what the fuck this bald-headed nigga was on 1604. By the Shell right down the street from Randolph Air Force Base. Give a fuck. Fuck it. Shouldn't say this. Fuck it. I've been through a lot, man. Just trying to be a good man. I don't give a fuck what y'all listen, man. Real talk. I ain't been through a lot. What people don't understand about comedians, right? We deal with pain. Like we, we, we, Y'all hearing jokes, but this is painful shit, and y'all laughing. This some bullshit. Like, I ain't been through shit. I got molested. Hashtag Me Too. Fuck you giggling for? But you know, like, we been through some shit. You know what I'm saying? Like, trying to be a good man, trying to be a good woman. Like, okay, Ricky Smiley. Most people don't know this. You know he got shot before? Yeah, Mike Epps, he been to prison. Myself, I done been shot and fucking stabbed. Yeah, nigga. Behind my kids. Nah, I got stabbed 'cause this dude called my daughter ugly. Well, all right. All right, really he didn't call her ugly. He said she looked like her ugly ass daddy. But that's the same thing. I got on my bike, y'all. I'm I get to the Glen. We call it Nigga Street. They shooting dice. I see this motherfucker. Jumped off my bike. Bam, bam. Put hands on him. Y'all would've been proud of me. I whooped his ass. They was holding me. Shank, shank. Oh shit, I'm going down. This ain't— Listen, she ain't that cute. She ain't that cute. She ain't that cute. I can't. I should stay my ass at home. She do like her mama. She like her mama. She don't look like me. Same child. Same child hit a cousin, Chico. That's right, I said the name. Fuck it, he ain't here. He ain't bought no ticket. I was in the back looking to see if this nigga was here. That motherfucker shot me. We got into an argument, he gonna pass my daughter a picture and say, "Fuck you and everything you love," and threw that picture on the ground. What? I whooped his ass. Y'all would've been proud of me. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Pow!

I said, "Oh, shit. Fuck that child. Fuck that child. Fuck that." What'd I learn, y'all? Fuck them kids. I ain't— Fuck them kids. I ain't— That's overrated. That's overrated. Being a father is overrated. Fuck that shit. I should've did like my daddy. Should've been gone, just like my dad. Just should've been gone. Some of y'all may not know this, but when I was in church, I was a prophet. I was a prophet, Donna. I was a prophet. I'm gonna prophesize he gonna keep talking this whole show. I'm just gonna prophesize. Prophesize that shit. Ms. Pat, get your man under control. Bad enough his shirt is loud than a motherfucker. I'm just saying, turn that bitch down. You're messing with the speakers. You're messing with the speakers just a little bit. But God told me something. Why y'all look at her like that? God told me something, y'all, that he's going to make another Bible and we gonna be in it. Y'all looking at that shit, right? Yeah, we gonna be in the next Bible, the same characters, but it's gonna be our language and our vernacular. Vernacular, that's a nice word for vocabulary, the way that we talk in the cultural sense. Okay, I want y'all to know I got a GED. It's gonna be a while before it come out. We gonna be all dead, our grandkids gonna watch it, may read it, but when it comes out, all of us gonna be in it, just a different language. Let me help y'all out. This is what it's gonna sound like. This is Cain and Abel. Motherfucker! Okay. You just caught that? You just caught— you ain't been in a while, right? Okay, okay. This is Noah. This is Noah. Y'all ready? That's a lot of water. Okay. Here come Moses. That's a fire! Woo! That's a good fire. That's a— boy, people ain't been to church in a while. This shit's funny. I don't fuck y'all. This shit cracked me up when I wrote it. I don't give a fuck what y'all say. Abraham, uh, bought the sacrifice Isaac, and he is going to tell Sarah her only child is about to die. Sarah looked at this nigga and said, you out your motherfucking mind. This is Joseph and the real reason why he put Mary away. That bitch was bald-headed. Did you see her without no hair? I saw that bitch without a wig. I ain't marrying that bitch. Fuck that. Fuck that. The angel like, "She's with child." Fuck that shit, man. "No, no, she gonna have a baby, it's by God." Oh, I'm supposed to believe that shit, really? Fuck that bitch, she a hoe. She, you know, she got some wild pussy, but I ain't fucking with that. Some of y'all mad at me, I don't give a fuck. It's called "I Shouldn't Say This." So I just want to be a man. That's it. That's all I ever wanted to do. I just wanted to be a good man. I'm sorry, I didn't have a lot of examples, didn't know what to do or whatever. And I was like, man, how can I be a better person? How can I be a better human being? And I said, you know what, in order to be a better man, it might be a good idea to go where mankind started. So those of you that have been watching me for a while, I went to Africa. Yeah, I went to Africa, right? I went to Africa and I was so proud, man. I got my ticket, took all these different shots and shit, and it was right after COVID too. And I'm like, damn, I gotta take shots still? But okay, cool, you know, you know, you know. So, you know, I got on the plane, 21 hours, y'all. 21 hours to get to Africa. And I was on the plane and everybody, you could tell the people that was going back to Africa, and I was like, ooh, these motherfuckers stink. Some stinky motherfuckers over there, man. I was like, y'all niggas, we got deodorant. Like, what the fuck? So I'm on a plane, and I'm just like, I'm praying, I'm like, oh God, I'm going back to the motherland, I'm going back to where we came from. And then I got to the airport, and I'm looking around, no more black folks, man. I thought I was in Atlanta. And I'm going through customs, and I'm seeing all these dashikis and shit, and I'm looking at them, and I'm going like this to the brother. They like, "What the fuck is that?" Like, "Oh, from America, you don't know that means something. That means something." He's like, "Eh, didi." And then I didn't want— but he did it, and I smelled his— Like, never mind. I ain't doing that shit no more. Like, no goddamn mo'. So I get there, man. I get through it and I walk out and I'm just like, oh wow, I'm here. I'm here, man. And I'm looking around and it's funny, y'all, because you see people that look like somebody you know. I was like, "Ooh, there go Richard." "What's up, Richard? I'll be driving." Motherfucker, you know you Richard. Fuck that shit. So we get in the car, you know what I'm saying? My boy Phillip, he helped me out to the car with my bags and shit, and he knew some English. Not a lot, but he knew some English. We got in the car, we riding, and he let the windows down. I was like, "Nah, motherfuckers up." Like, "I put some gas in here, like, let them motherfuckers up." "You funk, key." Like, you know, you gotta say it like, "Nigga, funk, key." Y'all ever be around somebody so musty where you feel like you got bad breath for breathing? Like— They got me cottonmouth. I don't even smoke weed. Like, this is— and we riding around, y'all, and it was beautiful. I have to tell y'all, it was beautiful. Like, to see all these Black people and all these people working and shit like that. Don't get me wrong, some crazy looking motherfuckers over there too. Nah, I'm just— I don't know, you know, some people just try to, you know— I'm telling the truth. It was some fucked up looking people too, you know what I'm saying? But it's some fucked up looking people downtown San Antonio too, so I ain't here trying to judge no motherfucking body, right? So we did a fundraiser, Street Legion, and all the different people came in and we had all these backpacks and we went to Accra and we went to a village, right? You know what I'm saying? We went to the village, we was giving out backpacks to the kids and they looking at us like, "We don't need this shit." What the fuck is this? Like, what the— I mean, it was like so unimpressed. I was like all happy, like I came to save the day with my backpack. Hey, look, this is from Nike. Yeah, they're like Nigga, we thirsty. You got some water? Like, fuck this backpack. Nigga's already hot. But I had this dream, y'all. I had this dream. Who said, "Uh-oh"? That's some bullshit. But I did have the dream, right? Because, you know, I didn't, you know, had sex. With an African American. But I ain't never goosed no purebred African. Purebred. Don't be shaking your head. I wanted to goose an African. I was like, I wanted to see what that shit like. That way I can go home. First of all, let me say this. I wanted to prove that I was a real African. 'Cause you know Africans that come over here act like we ain't really shit, you know what I'm saying? Like, fuck y'all, y'all still stink, motherfucker. So I wanted to goose, man. I wanted to goose. Everywhere I was going, I was looking, and there was some bad, fine motherfuckers over there. I was like, "Ooh, I'm goosing somebody's daughter tonight." And Philip was like, "Hey, man, I'm just letting you know, if you have sex with somebody, they gonna wanna marry you." Fuck that, I'm leaving. They ain't gonna know. I'm gonna sneak out the hood and catch a plane. Fuck you. Can't get to America with no passport, bitch. You ain't got no passport. So we going through the village and shit like that, and the head of the family came and met me, and they brought people around, and they was pouring out libations, which is weird, 'cause, you know, over here we call it pouring out a little liquor. They called it pour libation, and I kind of, I ain't gonna lie, I got mad 'cause he poured too much. I'm like, "Hey, hey, motherfucker, I don't know what y'all traditions is, but you don't pour off that much liquor." Like, that was, you pour off just a little bit, like a capful. Like, this motherfucker kept going. "Hey, hey, hey, hey, Chief, Chief." So I noticed it was a woman kept looking at me. I'm like, oh, that's the one right there. She kept staring at me, you know. So we taking darbassions, I'm drinking, I'm looking at her, she looking at me, she got little kids around her. I was like, I was like, oh wow, this motherfucker's looking at me, this motherfucker looking at me. I'm like, oh, oh shit, it's on now. Like, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm like, because, you know, but the thing about it is she didn't speak no English. So I'm like, how the fuck I'm gonna impress her if she don't speak no damn English? So I put my dick out and I said, "It's that generational trauma dick. It's that Massa dick, bitch." They were like, "No, my friend, put your dick up. This is not cool. This is not Tarzan movie. This— what the fuck is wrong with you?" So we stayed the night, y'all, in a real fucking African village. And I was excited about that, but I was really excited about getting some African coochie. Don't judge me. I wanted some African— First of all, some of y'all in here got some African niggas that y'all didn't give visas to. Yeah, it's got lonely, did you? On Plenty of Fish. So I'm asleep, y'all. She taps on the little hut. I'm like, oh shit, this is my time. This is not it for real though. I'm like, this is my time. I'm about— I've been wanting to get some African coochie coochie for a while, right? I follow her to her hut and shit. And she said, I said, "Oh shit, this bitch know what it is." She saw the dick, that's what it was. She saw that struggle dick, you know, that generational trauma dick is something else. She laid me down, and she went to work, kinfolk. I just wanted some African coochie. I didn't know I was gonna get an African blowjob. I said, this bitch is super head. Like, this is— I'm taking this bitch back to America with me. Like, this bitch is dope. And she's sucking. I'm like, oh shit. "Oh shit, I gotta get this motherfucker. I gotta get her." And then she laid down just on her back and just, "Ew, uh." I said, "What? Oh, what?" Yo, musty ass, I know you don't think. So I'm a real live American nigga. So I tried to put the condom on and she, "Mmm, mmm, mmm, bitch." This bitch is colonized. I was conflicted, y'all. Like, what the fuck do I do? I'm conflicted. What do I do? I want this pussy, but I don't want to eat that pussy. You ever been there? You ever go home with a woman and you like, I'mma fuck you, but I don't want to, you know, okay, shit. So I'm like, okay, I'm gonna have to do it. 'Cause first of all, my goal was to give her some dick, but I didn't want to give her no dick dick. Some of y'all slow in the back. See, dick means you're not gonna talk about me with your friends. Dick dick dick means you gonna bust the windows out my car. So I ain't want to give her no dick, dick, dick, but it is what it is. So I said, "Innu ita nan." And she was like, "My name Onyx." I said, "Okay, bitch, Onyx. Okay, chocolate. I like this. I'mma do it. I'mma go." Listen, I did it for y'all, all y'all Black men in here. I did it for us. Thank y'all. Thank y'all. And I kissed her on the neck. Little salty. Little salty. Start going down to her titty. Like, little hairy. But I'm going down, y'all. I mean, I'm going the fuck down for America. My country, tears of thee, sweet land of liberty. Coochie. I swear, y'all, when I got to the pussy, this bitch gave me the 5 stages of grief. I heard about the little man on the boat, but this bitch had a man in the ship. I'm like She had the biggest click I have ever seen in my life, and I started sucking. I was like, wait a minute. I know this ain't no dick. This better not be no dick. I started bargaining and shit. Wait a minute, I thought I saw kids. Like, I started sucking her. I said, this bitch better not come in my mouth. I just— then I just went on and accepted, y'all. Fuck it, it's some good dick. I'm just going I'm going back to Africa this weekend. I just want to let y'all know. I'm going to get that bitch. Later on, she told me my name wasn't Onyx, it was Otis. Hey, man, thank y'all. Y'all have been great. Y'all have been great. Y'all have been great. That's my time. My name is Ray Can't Get Right. A holla.