In this viral‑style comedy monologue, the speaker recounts a personal experience at a Baptist church’s altar call. While the pastor repeatedly stares at him, the speaker feels uncomfortable and confronts the pastor, who then descends from the pulpit, grabs the speaker’s hand, and leads a prayerful song. The speaker interprets the interaction as inappropriate, labels the pastor as gay, expresses anger toward the church’s perceived LGBTQ stance, and muses about suing the church. The rant is delivered with heavy profanity, racial slurs, and a confrontational, comedic tone, reflecting the speaker’s frustration and desire for validation from the audience.
Chapters
Y'all, y'all rock with me. Just tell me what y'all think happened to me. Should I sue? Let me know. So I went to church. Now understand, I've been in church my whole life. So I went to church and they had altar call, and I noticed while he was, you know, doing all the talks and everything, he kept staring at me. Like, I'm like, I don't really like dudes staring me in my eyes like that. Like, you know what I'm saying? Dude ain't supposed to look at another dude in the eye. That's just something ain't right with that. We gotta fight, fuck that. So, this nigga staring at me like hard, like he looking at me hard. I'm like, "Okay, why this nigga keep looking at me?" So, he's like, "Let us do." Guess what? He was in the pulpit like that, y'all. He was in the pulpit. I was like, "Okay." Let us do altar call now. I'm like, okay, I don't really think God want us doing altar call like that. So I go up there, 'cause that's what you do altar call, that's at the front of the church for y'all who ain't been there. And I went to the front of the church and this nigga come off the pulpit, come right to me and grab my hand. Now wait a minute, hold on. I don't have a problem with you grabbing my hand, but don't do this the whole time we praying. Like you— This nigga gay. I don't care what y'all say. This nigga gay. It was a Baptist church. I think LGBT, whatever that shit is, the B stands for Baptist. I ain't going back to that motherfucker. Then the motherfucker gonna start singing this shit. Precious Lord, take— Look right at me. "My head!" Motherfucker. You punk motherfucker. You— Joe asshole. That ain't God. That ain't God. That is not the spirit. It's the spirit, but it ain't God. It's some other shit. I don't know what the fuck this bald-headed nigga was on 1604 by the Shell, right down the street from Randolph Air Force Base. Fuck, fuck him. Shouldn't say this, fuck it. I've been through a lot.
