Voices In My Head Podcast Episode #288: Jessica Crawford - Honestly

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I know, I know just how the story ends. Voices in my head holding me hostage. I know, I know I shouldn't be listening. But sometimes I just can't help it. Oh no, no, no more living in regret while I've still got this moment here to live. Oh no, no, no more records in my head telling me what should have been. I'm gonna kill and bury all my shame. I will find a way to put the past behind me. I'm gonna kill and bury all this shame. Don't wanna feel this way. I'll put my past behind me. Oh, it's been holding on, it's been holding me down. I heard their whispers and I felt their lies pierce me like arrows as they criticized me. All that they thought they knew, but here I stand with a shovel in my hand. I'm gonna kill and bury all my shame. I will find a way to put the past behind me. Watch me while I dig this grave for all the hurt and blame and put my past behind me. Oh, it's been holding It's been holding me down. It's been holding on. It's been holding me down.

shame.

Today is the day I put my past behind me. Watch me while I dig this grave for all the hurt and blame and put my past behind me, 'cause it was holding on, it was holding me down. It's been holding on, it's been holding me down. Always been holding on, so I put it in the ground.

That song you just heard was Kill and Bury by my guest today on Voices in My Head. She is an artist and a worship pastor Jessica Crawford. On September 14th, Jessica released Honestly, a 4-song EP she describes as a collection of vulnerable songs that do not shy away from the reality of her hardest life experiences while celebrating the hope she's found in Jesus through it all. The Honestly EP was written with the group The Brothers McClurg during a writing retreat in early 2017. It was produced by Chris Hoisington and recorded at Old Bear Studios in Batavia, New York, a studio I am well familiar with. Jessica Crawford, welcome to Voices in My Head.

Thank you so much, it's my pleasure to be here.

Well, I am so glad that we worked it out. It was really last minute, we did all this kind of yesterday, but I'm so glad. It'll be a pleasure to get to share this and introduce hopefully to some people your music because it's really beautiful. You do a great job, and your new EP, uh, Honestly, it honestly is really good. I don't know how else to say that. Yeah, it really is. You're, you're, you have a beautiful voice and the songs are great. And we were even talking about some of the lyrics yesterday just over text message, and I think there's some really good reminders. And we'll, for artists, you know, like some of the lyrics are very good for artists when we hear them because they do have a lot to do with insecurities that we have and things that we're afraid to share. But we'll get into some of that in just a moment. Um, but Jessica, I first heard, uh, your voice on the recording of our mutual friend Ian Zumbach on his song Murderer a Messenger, which is also a great song. And I— so let's start there real quick because that's kind of my introduction to you was on that song. And, um, and I've known Ian for a couple of years now, but you're a new friend and I'm grateful to have made an acquaintance now. Had, uh, had you and Ian worked together prior to that recording, or how did that come about that you two began recording together?

Yeah, well, we, we met through a producer that we both worked with in Nashville, Daniel Ornelas. Great, great guy. And, and then we ended up doing a little bit of touring together just to kind of support each other. And, you know, as independent artists, it can be hard to know how to tour and where— how to build relationships to— with churches to get out there and share your art. And so we did some of that together and then along the way started writing some songs. And Murderer Messenger was one of them. And for both of us, it just felt like we were tapping into something different. And, um, it's such a raw song and, uh, and not like something you would typically hear on the radio. And, um, and it, it really got us kind of going in a different musical direction, I think. Um, and so we were so excited when, uh, when the opportunity came to record that at Old Bear. And Chris Hoisington just did a fantastic job producing it and, and making it all the kinds of edgy and vibey that it needed to be because of its content. Yeah.

And, you know, I had fun whenever I was there recording a few months ago because, uh, they were— it was before your EP released, obviously, and they were playing Killin' Barry in the studio. And yeah, yeah, I got to hear it through the studio speakers and I was like, that's a good song, man. It was great. And so Anthony and I were talking about how he had you know, sort of in the writing process of that and everything. But sounded really great through the studio speakers, which is always the case, isn't it? When you're in the studio, it always— you wish everyone could be in the studio and hear what it sounds like through those speakers because they're just amazing in studio, isn't it?

Yes, you're right.

And then everything gets compressed down and put on a phone and it still sounds good, but then I always feel like, oh, I wish you could have just heard the big room, you know. Oh man. Well, let's talk a little bit about, about your background if we could. I'm going to go back a little further than before even you met Ian. And, uh, in your bio it talks about you being the granddaughter of a fiery Pentecostal minister. And, um, I, I just wonder, how did that tradition influence you as a person and as an artist? Because I do think that our, our church tradition backgrounds do shape us. And so I just, I'd love to hear sort of how you're experiencing the Pentecostal tradition, just being brought up in that. And I love that description of a fiery Pentecostal minister. Tell us a little bit about, about that and how it influenced you as a person and an artist.

Oh yeah, I'd love to. Um, well, actually, that minister was my great-grandfather, and so I didn't grow up going to his church church, but my, my mom grew up very influenced by, uh, by him. And I loved hearing stories about how passionate he was. He used to run on the tops of the backs of the pews in the church when he really got going. And, you know, and I can't even imagine how do you do that and keep your balance and preach and not fall.

But, um, and I've heard, I've heard of other ministers doing that too. That's the thing, it's not— it, it seems like it would be so unique, but I've heard of other ministers doing that. It's amazing.

And so, so he and my great-grandmother were really loving people. But I think there was also some, some challenges for my mom and her cousins growing up in that tradition and some, some old school legalism stuff that was really hard for them. And so my mom kind of went a more traditional church route and I think mostly was in the Methodist Church. And then when I was a little girl, She was a choir director at the Church of the Brethren. And so I grew up in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia going to a Church of the Brethren, which if you don't know what that is, it's a cousin to the Mennonite Church, although we didn't wear, you know, bonnets or anything like that. But it's a very traditional church structure, you know, in terms of Protestant liturgy, you know, hymns and maybe some responsive readings. Prayers and a sermon and an anthem by the church choir, which my mom directed. So I was in the pew every Sunday watching her in music ministry, which I think really became very formative. I, I didn't realize until recently that I'm sort of carrying on part of her legacy because I'm, um, I am now in, in music ministry myself. And so anyway, I find that to be really cool, but I sort of carry both of these things, the Pentecostal thing and the traditional church thing. I'm in an Assemblies of God church and I love it. And I'm a pretty charismatic person myself. And so I feel like I've kind of found my way through some different streams. Even I was in seminary for about a year and a half at a Mennonite seminary and went to a Baptist church for a little while while I was in college, went to a non-denominational church for a little while. So I've really dabbled in a lot of different streams of faith and in the Christian world, and I love that because I love the big C church, and I appreciate so deeply all the different strengths and unique qualities that different denominations carry and have just really tried to find ways to sort of include those in my life. You know, I've never— I just haven't gotten stuck in one denomination, but I I just, I love them all and I want to. And Church of the Nazarene, you're, are you Nazarene?

I am.

And so some, a very dear pastor close to my heart, um, believed in me and my best friend when we were, uh, in a band together in college and invited us to play at his Nazarene church. And to this day is a supporter of mine. And I'm just so grateful for the body of Christ and all the different ways that I've been able to experience and wonderful people.

I say, dare I ask who that Nazarene minister was?

Sure, it's, um, Kerry Willis. He is— was in Harrisonburg, Virginia, and now is the new, uh, district of, um, I guess Pennsylvania, or the district superintendent. So he actually just moved up to my neck of the woods because I'm in New Jersey, South Jersey now. So we're gonna get together here soon.

Well, that's very cool. Well, you know, you know, I'm interested to hear just one other question about your background because you said the church that you were at was, I think, a Brethren church is what you'd said.

Yeah.

And it was connected or sort of loosely based maybe off of a Mennonite tradition. Is that what you had said?

Yeah, I would consider them kind of cousins. They have some similar beliefs like pacifism and, and believers' baptism. The, the founders of, of those denominations really, um, were martyred in Germany for, um, for pressing forward to allow people to be baptized once they were adult believers versus being baptized as babies.

Well, and that's very interesting too, because, you know, I affectionately say about our Mennonite brothers and sisters, they're the church of peace and quiet, because, you know, they wait a lot, you know, in the services. And so I just find it very interesting, the contrast between traditions that can be very quiet and very reflective and waiting, you know, in silence until the Spirit moves, versus a Pentecostal tradition which almost goes the opposite extreme. It's starts out big and moves to those quiet moments, you know, throughout. So it's interesting to me, just the flow of those faith traditions. But I think that's very helpful, I'm sure, as an artist, as well as being one myself who's played in a lot of different faith traditions. There— none of us are one thing as human beings, and especially as artists. I think it's interesting to find that dynamic because we're You know, our music is meaningless without the rest. You know, without those silent moments, the moments of power don't mean anything. So I just find that interesting, the way that that all connects. And you've talked a little bit about it, of being a minister of worship arts where you are now. But maybe tell us a little bit about your journey from the home of your youth and the path that took you to where you are now in New Jersey at Fountain of Life Church in Burlington, New Jersey.

Yeah, well, it's an interesting one. So I never wanted to be a musician, and I think it's just a really funny irony of my life and just proof that if God designed you to do something, he will find ways to make it happen and order your steps, even when, when you fight against it and when you don't see things coming. And, and really, that's my story. I Yeah. So grew up in church. My mom was the choir director and all of that. I was involved in youth group, did that whole thing, went to college in Virginia, got married in my early 20s. And, and what I'd hoped and believed would be a really beautiful season of my life turned out to be a very, very painful season of my life. And there were a lot of really difficult things that, that transpired during that 5-year period. And, um, and I was stepping into my life in ministry, um, at the year maybe 4, 4 mark. And I was in youth ministry at a Mennonite church, wonderful people. And I was coming alive while my marriage was crumbling around me. And, um, and that was a really difficult thing. And so, um, fortunately I had a pastor who was wonderfully supportive and really walked with me closely through all of that. But when the worst thing that I, that I thought could ever happen happened, which was I ended up divorced at 28, and I never would have wanted that for my life, never saw that coming, fought hard, but there were just some, some circumstantial things that, that caused it to dissolve. And I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. I felt so devastated. I walked away from my church job because I felt that it was too difficult for the kids and the families that I was working with, and I didn't want to create division. And so I told my pastor, listen, I'm, I'm going to step down if this becomes too difficult. And it did. And so I walked away and, and at that point felt like it was over. Ministry was over for me. My life was over. I couldn't see past that moment. And it was face down on the ground, Bible open, bawling my eyes out before the Lord in my parents' basement going, what are you going to do with me now? And I heard the still small voice of God saying, now we can get started.

And at that, I literally said to him, Well, I don't believe you, but, but, um, well, can I, can I stop you for just a moment and say I totally get that because your story sounds almost exactly like my story except I was, I was age 29 when the exact same thing happened. And, um, yeah, so when I hear your story, I, I want you to know I, I hear that and I feel that pain that's there, and I know many of our listeners have been there too. And yeah, so I didn't want to interject too much other than to say you're, you're in a safe place to tell that because yeah, definitely have been there.

Well, thanks for saying that. And I think it's important. I, it's always hard to choose to talk about it because labels, right? You know, there's so much stigma around that. And, and I kind of choose not to go into a lot of detail because is because I don't want to bring shame to anyone else. And sure, or try to even make myself look good by talking down about what really happened. But, but I think it's important because 50% of our population has been through divorce, right? So it is, it is a painful thing that, that we have to acknowledge in our culture. And, and for me, it's where I met God in a brand new way. I was a church girl. I did the church thing. I gave my life to the Lord when I was young. I was in elementary school. Sure. And so, but in that place, Bible open on the floor, bawling my eyes out, I encountered God as my Savior all over again. And from that place where he told me he was just getting started, my response was, "Well, I don't believe you, but I'm in." But okay, because you're my only hope. And he was. And he started ordering my life in all of these beautiful ways. And, and so it wasn't long after, after that that I got a phone call out of the blue from a sound engineer in my hometown. I'd worked with him a couple years prior. I won a little contest at the fair, a little, you know, recording time with him or something. And, and he called me and he said, Jessica, I've never taken your name and number off my bulletin board here at the office. Office at the studio. And I don't know why I'm calling you except the Lord is pressing me to do so, and I just haven't done it. So can you tell me why I'm calling you?

Huh?

And I burst into tears and I said, Robbie, you don't know, I've written all these songs, but this is what I'm going through in my life and my marriage is ending and I just feel like it's all over, but I don't know why I have these songs. And, and he went, oh, Well, you're supposed to get in here and record. That's why I'm calling you. And I said, oh no, no, no, no, no, like the last thing I want to do right now is bear my heart through music. And he said, well, I believe that's what God's asking you to do. And I said, well, I don't have any money. And I'm like, gotcha, you know, there's no way you're gonna be able to work around that one. And he said, well, this is my ministry before it's my job. Wow. You get in here and record and we'll worry about the money later. And so I got off the phone with him, and I'm pretty sure I said out loud, okay, God, I hear you.

Hmm.

And it was, it was at that point, and God had been kind of tugging on my heart about music, but I was, you know, just in such a broken season that the last thing I wanted to do was be in front of anyone. And that call changed everything. And so I went in and I recorded 10 songs. It was in and it was my first project alone. I'd been in a band with my best friend in college, and we did a project together, which was so fun, but then this was the first thing I'd ever done alone, and it was very vulnerable. So I did 10 songs. It was called Shine, and you can't find it anywhere online. Don't try. It's for a reason.

That's a Beach Boys album, I think. Shine, all right.

Martina McBride. Yeah, it's just too easy to call something, some music, uh, that kind of a title. But, um, but it was, it was huge for me. And, um, and my deal with the Lord became, okay God, if you really want me to do music, you open doors and I walk through them. That's how this is going to work. I'm not going to be kicking them down. I don't even want to do this anyway, remember? Um, and so, uh, so that's what happened. I just started saying yes to things that came my way, and I stayed busy in my hometown area in Virginia. And, um, and then it evolved into, um, oh, I was actually going to seminary at the time too, because my former pastor, the church that I had to walk away from, begged me to go to seminary. And I said, are you kidding me? I do not want to be a pastor. Like, no, that's not for me. And he goes, well, it's so much more than just being a pastor. You've got ministry written all over your life. You need to go. And, um, he said, just, just do one class. And if you hate it, fine, walk away. But I loved it, and so I stayed for a year and a half and then released this project at the same time. So it was a very busy ministry training season for me, I would call it.

Yeah.

And then as I stayed busy in my hometown area, I didn't really know what to do next, and I prayed like, God, I need help. I need, I need to be surrounded. I can't do this alone. And a friend forwarded me an email about a 3-month training program in wouldn't you know it, Nashville, Tennessee, one of two cities I ever kind of thought in the back of my mind, well, if I ever move anywhere, I really love Richmond, Virginia, and I, I, it'd be cool to kind of live in Nashville, Tennessee. And so I ended up going to this 3-month program thinking it was just going to be 3 months. It was a combination of music equipping and ministry equipping and inner city missions work. And so they really just dealt with the heart and above it, "Heart before art" was one of the kind of taglines of this organization called Thunder School. And it was really, it was really hugely developmental because it dealt so much with identity. And, you know, I mean, you talk about things that artists need to hear. We all need to hear that, that our identity has to be rooted in Jesus. It's not about what we do. It's not about how we perform. It's not about how good our songs are or what kind of impact we think we're making. It doesn't matter. What really matters is that we are children of God. We are dearly loved children of God. And unless we are operating out of that place, we're probably doing things in our own strength. And, and that's not going to get anyone very far, nor is it going to make the kind of kingdom impact that we all really want to make. And so 3 months there, and then that evolved into serving that ministry for 2 years in the inner city and hugely formative time in my life, but also really difficult. To live in community in the inner city, live on support as a missionary, but learned a lot about songwriting, learned a lot about myself, learned a lot about getting, seeking and receiving the inner healing that I needed. Living in community, growing with other people, that's just, that ain't easy stuff, but, but it was necessary for me. And then from there, my aunt and uncle kind of said, hey, you can't do this forever. What's your next step? And I said, I don't know. I don't know what to do. So they really stepped in in a moment where I needed— I needed some guidance. And they were like, come to Myrtle Beach with us and let's go on a prayer retreat and you can— you can just seek the Lord about what's next. And God put a vision in my heart about Love Out Loud, which was really just at the time just felt like that's really what I want to do with my life. Through whatever means necessary. And so I just kind of opened myself up to whatever ministry opportunities came. And so I did everything from leading worship to singing concert type events to women's ministry and almost like a, like ministry coaching for women. I had a church— churches sometimes brought me in to kind of work with their ladies and speak life into them. And pastors that really saw that there was a need for for women in leadership, but that sometimes as male leaders they didn't quite know what to do with them or how to encourage them or speak in. And so I got to do some of that, which was really cool. Even had a couple of job offers along the way, but it just didn't feel right. I just didn't feel released of the Lord. And so it was this very transient season of my life. I kind of did— was here and there. And then I was leading worship at a little church plant outside of Nashville and kind of piecemealing my income together and going, okay, God, I don't know. I don't know how this is gonna work, but he just kept coming through month to month. But I reached this point, I guess, 2 summers ago where I was— I could see the end of my income and I had nothing else booked. And I was going, Lord, I don't know what to do. And I'd felt like God had kept me from getting a traditional job. Every time I'd asked, like, should I, should I do that, God? Should I do that? He was keeping me freed up. Up for travel and for ministry opportunities. And so I was trying to make some things happen for myself in Nashville and went on some job interviews and did some different things and even had one interview that looked like, "Oh yeah, I'm definitely going to get this job," and didn't. And went on a ministry trip with Ian. We went to Florida and some churches blessed us way more than we were expecting. And so I came home with just enough money to pay my bills the next month. And while we were on that trip in Florida, I got a text from a friend who was interim worship leading at the Fountain of Life in Burlington, New Jersey, but had just accepted a great job offer in Australia. And he said, "I'm packing my family up. We're moving to Australia. You know about the church I've been serving. I suggested you as my replacement as interim here. So here's all the information. Here's who you need to contact. If you want to do it, it's yours." Wow, that's great. And I said, "Are you kidding me?" And that's crazy timing because, you know, as I said, I was kind of to the end of my rope and my foreseeable income, but felt that God was keeping me freed up for ministry for some purpose. And so I came to the Fountain of Life in New Jersey as interim worship leader thinking that it was only going to be— I'm sorry, my computer keeps— doing that.

That's okay, but I can still hear you loud and clear.

Okay, good. I'm trying to mute it. Every time I press mute, it doesn't want to go. Um, anyway, I, um, came here thinking that it was only going to be a few months because when they hired their new pastor, as they were trying to do, um, they were going to let him hire their new worship director. And so I was happy to serve just in those few months. And so what happened was they hired a new pastor who I totally hit it off with, and he hired me right away. And so I ended up moving from Nashville to New Jersey a year and a half ago, and I'm so grateful. Um, Russ Hodgins is just the best pastor and amazing fit for me as a leader to be under and, um, and a supporter of who I am and, and what God's called me to do. Um, He's been a believer of this project and really encouraged me to do it and has supported me in it. And so tonight, in fact, I'm going to be having a concert here on campus. And he's just amazing. So God is good. And as I said in the beginning of this story, he will find a way to get you where you need to go to live the destiny that he's called you to live.

Well, that's terrific. And what a great story you have. There was a lot to pack in there, and you told it very well.

And I hope it wasn't too rambly.

No, it was, it was great. It was great for people, I think, to get to hear sort of your backstory. As the beginning of the show started, everybody got to hear how great your music is, and they'll get to hear it again at the end of the show today. But we don't always get to hear the story, which is really what the show is about, and trying to hear. And there was so much that resonated with your story, and so much of your story that I feel like has been mine. And it just confirms for me the way that, um, the unpredictable way that God seems to move, you know, and guide.

I never saw this coming, that's for sure.

Exactly. Yeah, and just an amazing, amazing story that you have, and I appreciate your transparency. And let's use the word of your EP, honesty. Um, I mean, you're, well, honestly, but yeah, um, the, the honesty that you bring to it, um, really helps I think, for the, the songs on your album to resonate. So let's, let's, let's talk a little bit about that before we run out of our time together, because your story— I appreciate the way that you have laid your heart bare for us today, but also just the way that I think that you have done that in your relationship with God, and just the way that you've, I think, sort of like Abraham, followed wherever he's guiding, not knowing where that next step is. But, you know, you did this, this great EP with Brothers McClary at Old Bear Studio, and it's a fun place to record at. And, um, and you've done a little bit of, of recording before that. But I'd love to ask you about what you feel like, um, how do I phrase it, let me think here, uh, how do you feel like you, um, what do you value the most from your time of, of making this album with, uh, with Old Bear Studio. And, and of course, I know Chris and Anthony well, and Jeremy, and all the guys that work there. And here and now, but Paul Mitro is a really cool guy. Um, and I found a lot of valuable things from my experience there, but I'm just curious about in the, in the making of this recording, what do you find to be most valuable from your time there? Together with them?

Hmm, there's a lot of things, so to condense it is hard. But, um, you know, I, I think the guys just really helped me tap into a place that is, um, is more authentically me than I've, I've ever been able to do before. Um, from the songwriting to the creative production, um, and just the, the overall feel of the project. I mean I'm really excited that it's different, that it's raw, but that the songs don't, I think, sound like a lot of other things. And, and I'm really happy about that because we wanted, we wanted to kind of blaze a different trail, you know. And so So I'm, I'm good with, with being different, and I'm happy about that.

Well, good. Well, they are some different kind of guys for sure.

I mean, Chris's hair alone, he stands out anywhere. And, uh, yeah, he's my curly-haired brother.

And you know, that's right. And you know what the interesting thing about that, I was thinking the other day, I said probably what most people know about Chris is that hair, and, and, but what everybody needs to know is the heart, um, because he's such a beautiful person of Christ, and I, I love him so much, and he's just been a good friend and And yeah, he's fun to be in the studio with. He's very zen, you know. He goes at it very—

And just crazy creative. I mean, the interesting things and choices he made for this project and things that he heard in his head that he brought to life. It's just amazing to me.

Yeah. Yeah, he always has something special, that's for sure. It's quite a gift. Well, I want to talk real quick about the song everybody heard at the beginning of the show, Kill 'Em Barry, because it literally has the lyrics, voices in my head holding me hostage. Um, and you're on the Voices in My Head podcast, so I can only assume you were referring to listening to this podcast and being so captivated by it that lyrically you described it as being held hostage, which I don't know how I feel about that.

But no, well, it's just, you know, deeply, um, yeah, just, just stuck in my head. I just can't get you out of my head, right?

It's, it's that kind of show. We just, you know, we hold people hostage. I don't know if that's a great endorsement or not, but No, it's, it's— I love that song. That was the one, as I told you before, that I got to hear in the studio. And, um, it was— it almost has like a Texas swing type feel to it, you know, when you're listening to it. But the, the song is not— it's, it's a unique mix of sort of an upbeat, fun swing type song, but with some pretty heavy lyrics, you know, in the midst of it. And so tell us just a little bit about that song and just lyrically where you went. Did you write that one with Anthony as well?

Anthony and Chris, we were writing together and really kind of, I said to them, I just want to dig into some places of experiences in my life that I really haven't talked about yet, haven't been vulnerable enough to share. And shame is one of those, you know, when you go through a divorce, especially when you're in ministry. People have a lot to say about that and a lot to even think about that. And so you feel the weight of all of it. And so I wanted to address that because no matter what you've gone through, whether it's shame or just a bad choice or regret or, you know, whatever it is, everybody knows what that feeling feels like. And I think we need to know that there is hope and that there is victory in Jesus. When he died on the cross, he didn't bury everything but shame. He buried our shame too. And it's a battle for us here on earth to kind of get free from it, but there is hope for that. And I think I'm walking in more free places than I ever have before in regards to shame. And so it just really tackles that topic. And I just realized in my own life you can't deal lightly with shame. You can't just try to shoo it over into a corner and say, "Hey, sit down." It's not going to. It's gonna haunt you like a voice in your head and like a broken record, you know, until you deal a little more ruthlessly with it. And so Kill and Bury came about as we were writing, and I don't remember who fully came up with it, but the lyric was, "I'm gonna kill and bury all my shame." I will find a way to put the past behind me. And I said to the guys, can we call it Killin' Barry? Is that too much? Because that is not a normal Christian song title. And they were like, yeah, I like it. You know, they're kind of willing to do something different and out of the box. And so, and now looking back, I go, yeah, that was the right, that was the right title because that really is the right approach with shame. We have to get a little ruthless with it and say, no, you can't stick around, not having it, in Jesus' name.

Yeah, yeah. I love the content of the song, both lyrically and musically, and it's— I think it's one of— I don't know, it's just a really strong song all around. So I really love it. And there's another one, and we're about to run out of time, um, but there's the song Honestly, which we're going to close the podcast with today. It has one of my favorite lines that I've heard in some time, and I told you this yesterday, and I'm so grateful we had a chance to talk this weekend about this. But the line, which you told me Anthony actually wrote, Anthony Hoisington, Jesus won't look for the medals that I lack. And I think that's an amazing line. And after I texted you yesterday and said how much I really appreciate that line, you said it's Anthony. So then I had to text Anthony and say Hey, yeah, it's— but, but I think the song Honestly, which you listeners are gonna get to hear in just a couple minutes here as we wrap up our conversation, there's lines like that that for me as an artist really speak to me greatly. Because I think as artists, you've, you've already said it in kind of a roundabout way here today on the show, those of us who work in the arts in whatever way we do, we're always seem to be filled with doubt. And I've yet to meet meet an artist who thought they were truly an artist and were not going to get found out eventually. These people are going to find out I'm not really one of them, you know? And speaking of myself and all my friends, and I have a mutual friend that— not a mutual friend of us, but kind of a mutual friend of another friend of mine who literally is an artist and has been like brought into New York City and all these like really great incredible art exhibits and stuff. And I was talking to him and he literally is someone who has made it in the art world. And we were talking about, hey, do you think somebody's gonna find out we're not the real thing one of these days?

That is too funny.

And so I think, you know, like the lyrics of Honestly, when you're just bearing yourself, to me those lyrics, whether they were written about that or not, I look at a line like that, Jesus won't look for the medals, I lack, because it seems like we're always looking for some sort of validation as, you know, as artists or as humans or as people. And I just really appreciate the content of that song. So I'm gonna— I'm looking forward to getting to play that for our listeners at the end of the show today. It's the title of the album. Why did you decide that one should go first?

Oh man, because that one sets up everything else. Yeah. Um, the The opening line is, "If I'm being honest, I don't want to say where I've been. Sometimes the heavy things are better left unsaid." Yeah. And that, for me, that line just summed up how I could easily feel about any of the other songs.

Yeah.

Because they're all written about my heavy life experiences, you know? But I felt like setting it up that way was the right thing to do. And sometimes I play it in shows that way to kind of just open with that deep thought of sometimes the heavy things are better left unsaid. I really, the next line is sometimes I'd rather laugh than let you in, and that's so me. I mean, let's just have fun, you know? I don't wanna get too heavy, but it really felt like the right thing to do because there's something about honesty that breeds honesty in other people, that encourages vulnerability in other people. And I think that what I've realized in my own life is that number one, I've got to be honest with myself. I've got to choose to be honest with others that can help me when I'm working through hard things. And I've got to be honest with the Lord. And when I do all of that, I'm a much healthier, whole person. And I can seek, seek God in ways that, that allow him into my broken places and, and allow others to walk with me through this difficult life journey sometimes. And it makes me a better person because I become self-aware and I'm not hiding or pretending like I don't have things going on or that I'm, you know, that I've got it all together. I'd much rather be someone who is real than who is fake and hiding. And so, yeah, so honesty it is.

Yeah, well, congratulations on this new EP. Um, if, if I'm not mistaken, I believe Ian told me that it's climbed up to— is it number 6 on iTunes or something like that right now?

First weekend, and that is just insane.

Isn't that amazing? That's—

yeah, that's only God. Seriously, I— there's no good explanation for that.

Well, so as a no-hit wonder myself, I have to say that's fantastic. Good, good job, because I know that's not, um, an easy thing, and it's not something you can like calculate or like plan on happening either. So that has to— to me, that just means that the songs are resonating as much as I assumed they were, you know. And, and that's great. That's— we don't live our life for those kinds of like charting moments, but they are good affirmations when they come along. And I feel like that's just another part of your story and what God's doing with it. And so again, just to kind of summarize what we've talked about today, um, being— going from a place of complete and utter brokenness, um, you never would have expected probably years down the road, hey, I'm gonna have an album that's charting, you know. I mean, um, isn't God just so good to lead us in those places where we didn't expect?

And, um, unbelievably so.

So I, I think your life is a wonderful testimony to that, and I appreciate you taking time to do that today. I'd love to talk longer if we could, but I'm running out of time on my end today. So we're going to close the show today with, uh, with the song Honestly, which is the first song on Jessica Crawford's new EP by the same title, Honestly. I encourage all of you to go out and get it. One final question: is the album also available, uh, like as a disc if people wanted to buy it, uh, the physical copy? Some of us Some of us still like to get the physical album.

Yeah, I do have physical copies that I'm selling at shows and stuff, but you can also just email me at jessicacrawfordmusic@gmail.com. I also have a website, jessicacrawfordmusic.org, and I'm out there on social media— Instagram, Facebook, you know, all of those things. And it's also available for streaming, Spotify, and pretty much anywhere. So yeah, I would love for you to grab it and enjoy.

Wonderful. Well, Jessica, I'm so proud of you, and I want to thank you for being one of the voices in my head this week.

Thank you so much for having me.

If I'm being honest, I don't want to say where I've been. Sometimes the heavy things are better left unsaid. If I'm being honest, I'd rather laugh than let you in. But if you will listen, I will begin, and I'll try Oh, I'll try, yeah, I'll try to open my heart and bear all the scars so you know the real me. Though I realize you might not like all that you will See, I'll show you the best and the worst of me. And I won't regret speaking to the unbelief. I've decided to be who I am. Honestly, Jesus won't look for the medals I lack. All I can bring are the scars that I have. Lord, please don't look for all that I lack. You know all that I need are the scars that you have. So I'll open my heart. You know every part 'cause you see the real me. There's nowhere to run. Why would I try to play it and see, 'cause you know the best and the worst of me. And no matter what, you said you'd never leave. You just want me to be who I am on Honestly, here I am, here I am. All of these pieces are making me who I am, who I am. It's not a secret. Oh, here I am, here I am. All of these pieces are making me who I am. Who I am. I'll show you the best and the worst of me. And I won't regret speaking the truth I believe. I've decided to be who I am.

Honestly. Thank you for joining me here this week on Voices in My Head. I hope you'll visit me on my website at rickleejames.com, follow me on Twitter @RickLeeJames, like my artist page at facebook.com/rickleejames, and keep up to date on what I'm writing on my author page on Amazon. There's also the Voices in My Head Facebook community found at facebook.com/voicespodcast. And if you want to follow my alter ego on Twitter, follow my popular Mr. Rogers quote account found @MrRogersSay. Also, make sure to follow my appearance schedule on my website, and if you would like to have me come to your town to do a concert, a speaking engagement, or a book event, you can book me through my website at rickleejames.com. RickLeeJames.com/bookings. And it would mean the world to me if you would write a review of this podcast on iTunes. The more positive reviews we receive, the more visible this podcast is on the internet. And now the benediction: May the God of peace, who raised Christ from the dead, strengthen you in your inner being for every good work, and may the blessing Blessing of God Almighty, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, rest upon you and dwell within you this day and forevermore. Amen.