Voices In My Head (The Rick Lee James Podcast) Episode 445: Melanie Waldman

Welcome to Voices in My Head, the official podcast of me, Rick Lee James. I'm a recording artist, a singer, a songwriter, an author, a worship leader, and an ordained minister in the Church of the Nazarene. The Voices in My Head podcast is where I discuss music, movies, books, pop culture, theology, and more with friends, colleagues, and sometimes just by myself. Now make sure to let me know what you think of today's episode by leaving me a review on iTunes or by tweeting at me @RickLeeJames on Twitter. And please join my mailing list at RickLeeJames.com where you can receive an email every time a new episode is released. By the way, in case you're interested in a daily dose of kindness and encouragement beyond this podcast, I also run the Twitter account @MrRogersSay where I post daily quotes from Fred Rogers, one of the voices in my head. Well, I guess that's it for the intro, so sit back, relax, and listen to the latest episode of Voices in My Head.

Welcome back to Voices in My Head. As always, I'm your host Rick Lee James, and I'm so glad that you're back with us for what I know is going to be another wonderful conversation. Conversation today. My guest this week is Melanie Waldman. Melanie Waldman's desire is to create songs and cultivate worship experiences that help restore hope by reminding people who they are and that God is always at work in their lives. Haunted by a childhood of darkness, fear, and abuse, and a young adulthood characterized by chaos and loss, Waldman's life was changed forever in a miraculous personal encounter with Jesus. With a mission to encourage and inspire others to press on to the great fullness that awaits in Christ, her powerful testimony is the heartbeat of her ministry. On November 5th, Psalm Songs, her much anticipated full-length debut release, was produced and came— excuse me, it released on November 5th, is produced by Waterdeep's Laurie Chaffer. The project is inspired by one of the Bible's most beloved books, and explores a range of themes reflected in the Psalms, including praise, thanksgiving, lament, and petition. The album begins with the track "Awake, Psalm 24," which features Alyssa Turner. And we're going to begin our show by giving it a listen. So here is "Awake, Psalm 24" by my guest today, Melanie Waldman, from her album Psalm Songs.

Who ascends into his presence? Who enters his holy place?

Those who are clean, those who are pure, those who are true, those who are shu.

So wake, you living gateways, lift high your sleepy head and welcome the King of Glory, for he is rushing in. Who is this King of Glory? The Lord of Victory. Who is this King of Glory? The one who Who died for you and for me.

Oh.

So wake, you living gateways. Swing wide your ageless doors. And welcome the King of Glory, for he is rushing in. Who is this King of glory? The Lord of victory. Who is this King of glory? The one who died for you and for me. The one who came for you and for—

me.

And that was Awake, Psalm 24, by my guest today on Voices in My Head, Melanie Waldman. Melanie, welcome to Voices in My Head.

Thank you so much. I'm glad to be here.

Well, I'm so glad to have a chance to be able to speak with you today. I'm always glad to hear from other artists, but I'm especially excited today just because of the nature of this project coming from the Book of Psalms, which is really a special book in, I think, the life of, of not just Christians, but believers from many of the faiths, whether it be Judaism, Christianity, even Islam holds it to be a sacred book. So for many of us, it is the hymn book of ancient Israel, and it's one that as Christians we hold a special place that we come to. You know, for centuries it was even just the songbook of the church, and it was one that in many churches they would not sing anything but the Book of Psalms in one form or another. So I wonder for you, what role have the Psalms played in your life, and why was it important for you for this full-length album to be a Psalms-based project?

I think the Psalms give us words and prayers that remind us that it's okay to be ourselves and to be genuine with God and that there's nothing we have to hide. There's nothing we have to be ashamed of. We can cry out to him with our most honest of prayers. And gosh, didn't we need that in 2020? And so I was part of a mentorship that Chrissy Nordhoff started which you basically sing through a psalm each day, and you don't necessarily pay attention to any type of melody or, you know, song structure. You just sing it out in some type of way. And so that was a process I went through, and at some point I just sensed that the Lord was like, you know, let's share some of these with other people. To bless others. And so that's really how these songs were born.

Well, and isn't that interesting too with, you know, using your own music to the Psalms? Because we don't have the original melodies. And it's interesting that for so long churches, that was the only thing they sang, but they didn't have the original melodies. And my old friend Mike Harlan used to talk about, I've heard him say many times, he said, you know, there was— if there was something that was sacred about the melody themselves originally, he feels like God probably would have preserved that for us in some way. But we have, we have for the most part these lyrics kept intact. They've been translated and retranslated again and again for us, and it gives us such freedom to be able to add our own voices and melodies and instruments and songs to the lyrics that we have, and it kind of helps us give that expression. And I think that's what I'm hearing from you. No matter how many artists do it, there are always fresh takes on the Psalms and different ways that people can express them from the heart. And you certainly have done that with this new project. No, go right ahead.

I've heard from a number of people that it's, it's not just the content of the lyrics, which I did try to keep very verbatim to the Passion translation, but it is the relevance of the style that it's presented that is somehow reaching their heart. So I totally agree with what you're saying.

Yeah, yeah. And stylistically, I love that too, because they're— you can, you can just keep them alive again and again and over and over. And maybe 30 years from now there'll be another style that comes along and just makes them fresh all over again. But, but for, for you and for your heart You get to let your songs sing out from it, which I love.

Yeah.

Well, I would love to, as we talk about your album today, I'd love to talk about some of your personal story as well. And there are some great videos on your website, and so much of your ministry revolves around telling your story. And so from your own writing on your website, I'm going to share a little bit of what you have written and allow you to respond to it a bit today. You say, on the outside, it appeared as as though I had the perfect life. I entered the Boston Conservatory of Music at Berklee at the age of 17, became the youngest director in a Fortune 500 company, released a debut EP at New York City's notorious Mercury Lounge, married a lawyer, and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy all by the age of 27. But on the inside, I was being haunted by a darkness, an invisible darkness born of a generational sin. And you go on a little bit with your story from there, and I wonder if you could share some of that story and your background with us today, just for those who are listening and maybe hearing you for the first time.

Yeah, so it's, it's true. Um, after experiencing a great deal of chaos and loss in my childhood, um, I, I had met Jesus, praise God, at a summer camp And so in the midst of the darkness, so just to give you a picture, by the time I'm 7 or 8, we have, you know, one of my brothers shot the other one. It was a knife fight between my mother and my brother, another brother. I was, you know, put on a motorcycle and had third-degree burns and then thrown in the trash. I mean, really horrible things. But somehow in the midst of that, the Lord worked and the youngest 3 got to go away to a camp and my sister got to choose and it was Camp Good News. How that happened, only God knows. And, you know, when— so at camp I met Jesus. I saw there was lightness in the world. I believed straight away and I wanted him to save me and needed him to save me. And, you know, within the summer, we get picked up and it's immediately, you know, stop singing those songs, and you're back to the darkness, really. And that summer, we actually never went home, our house had burnt down. And 8 of us moved into a motel. And my parents both used alcohol and some drugs to kind of as their way of coping, they both had lost or didn't have a father. You know, kind of abandoned by their father growing up. So they used that as a means of coping. And so there wasn't much oversight. And I was taken onto someone's shoulders and swept and taken into a car, and I was overcome sexually. So these kind of traumatic events, and that one probably especially, just the enemy has a way of taking hold hold in when traumatic events happen. And somehow we end up agreeing with these lies that take hold. And it wasn't anything I would have known I was doing, but I began to believe the lies that I'm worthless, that no one can be trusted, that the world is dangerous, that, you know, I'm unsafe, that the sum total of life is really loss. You know how you kind of try to figure things out in your mind as an adult or as you're growing into adulthood. And it's just like, well, the math you're doing is always based on loss. And so this was my framework, and that's what I built my adult life based on. I didn't use alcohol and drugs because I saw the— I saw the chaos that that caused. I could see that. And so I used instead striving and, um, you know, trying to be perfect in every regard. And so if I had done well that day, I was fine. But if I somehow messed up on something, that day was terrible. You know, I almost, almost couldn't live, almost couldn't survive. And so striving like that, you know, I got married to the perfect guy, you know, looked good, everything looked great on the outside. I had this music career and I had this beautiful baby boy and I went to work and, you know, was providing for the family and kept getting promoted because I had no idea how to say no. So I was working at a level of perfection that would really kill anyone. So when my marriage started to fall apart because he didn't know me and, and I didn't know me, I had been suppressing all of those things that I told you and more. Never talked about them. My husband didn't know any of that. And so when the marriage just kind of started crumbling, it was a failure that I couldn't bear. So I went to, you know, take my own life. And yeah, the Lord saved me that day. And that began a very long process. But that began me at least beginning to talk about and to to admit the things that had happened to me and share, like in circles and stuff like that.

Yeah, well, that's— well, thank you for sharing that. And I, I know that's a deep place of pain that it sounds like you had to come to a place that was hard for even you to admit, um, because you were, um, you know, not, not only just to admit to the people in your life, but then for you to come to grips with yourself. And that's such a hard thing to do. And, and just listening as I hear your story today and thinking of how many news stories I've heard lately about the number of people that are taking their lives and the people that just have this sense of hopelessness and desperation, maybe especially over the last year and a half of the pandemic, nearly almost 2 years now, I guess, where people have felt isolated and alone. And just the different things that people are dealing with. I want to latch on to something that you said. I think, I think you said it like this, that, that you found Jesus, or Jesus found you that day when you were in the midst of trying to take your life. And I wonder if you could talk a little bit about that, just maybe how was it that God came to you in that moment? What prevented you from, from being successful, I guess, with going through with it or following up?

Yeah. So what happened there in the bathroom was there was like a swiftness that came over me. And I, at those days, we didn't have cell phones, but we had cordless phones. And there was a cordless phone in the bathroom. And I just picked it up and just without thinking, just dialed 911. So I ended up being in the hospital for weeks. And as I mentioned, that was the start of me really beginning to reconcile with, you know, what had happened and to start talking about it. Started on antidepressants. And so there was about a 20-year journey of psychological counseling, but I still didn't return to the Lord. I didn't return to my husband and I did not turn to the Lord. So my life, I was basically, you know, sustained, like just alive. Let's put it that way. What would happen is I would perpetuate these cycles of unconscious cycles of getting into harmful relationships. So physically abusive relationships, sexually abusive relationships, because that made sense to my, to my worth. You know, getting into a relationship with a man who would hurt me was actually like what I thought was right. It was what fit for my brokenness. And I know that sounds crazy, but You know, in a sense, it is crazy to believe all those lies, but we don't— so many of us don't know that we are believing them. I say this thing, I say that most of us spend our entire lives victim of a robbery we didn't know had taken place, that we are— that we're believing and making decisions based on beliefs we don't even know that we have. And that was true for me. So I would kind of— I'd still be in counseling, but still be perpetuating these harmful situations. And I would hit like a rock bottom where I got desperate and I, and, you know, kind of would lose things and lose a house, lose a, you know, lots of, you know, chaos. And then I came to what I consider to be a bottom where I had given everything up, even my son.. And I landed up renting a place next to 3 churches. It shared the parking lot with 3 churches. And yeah, I joked that like God was not taking it. That was it. God was not taking a chance. So I just started rolling out of bed every Sunday morning and began attending that early service where very few people attended. I was that person in the back row crying for about a year. And as I sat there, I heard the songs of my youth that I learned at camp, some of them. I started to hear the promises, the familiar promises that were planted so long ago. And I began to believe, and he wooed me so much with those songs and with those promises. And I just stayed right there for about 8 years. I served in every capacity I could. Book study, Bible study, you know, started, you know, volunteering in all kinds of capacities because I felt like, you know, this is where there's light. And I knew I felt safe. And I started leading worship, was invited to lead worship for a ministry that is like a 12-step ministry but for the church, kind of like a Celebrate Recovery.

Sure.

And there I began participating in the groups.

Groups.

And the groups were all about, you know, the 12 steps, but, you know, surrendering to the Lord, trusting the Lord, about looking for red flags, trying to, you know, kind of know where you, where you make your mistakes and try to manage that in a sense. And that worked really well. It kept me, I kept it, my life started to be characterized by goodness for those period of 8 years. But I still had the terrors at night and I still had the pit in the stomach in the morning. And so there was a long period of time where I kept hearing this idea of this great fullness that the Lord didn't just come for our salvation, but so that we could have life and life to the full here on earth., and I just kept hearing it in songs and in messages, and it was this, there's more, there's more, there's more, God has more for you, and so that prompted me to ask my pastor. I said, you know, I explained to him about my progress and where I was, but I'm still having this, and I said, and I just, I believe there's more, and I want that, and so he recommended a ministry, and it was at that ministry that I was set free, and I became me this new person that you see before you today.

Wow, what a, what a powerful story. Thank you for sharing that with us today. And just, uh, the way that God works, finding yourself living in a parking lot connected to, to 3 churches, that's— it's almost Trinitarian when you think about it, you know. That's wonderful. Well, thank you for all of that. I, I really appreciate you taking the time to share the story with the listeners, and it was the first time for me to get to kind of in fullness, your story, because I'm still learning more about you as well. I've been listening and enjoying your music, knowing that there's more to your story, and I'm glad to be able to hear more of that and to hear the good things that God is doing. I know that you devote so much of your life and your ministry now when you're on the road to creating worship experiences, and you talked about that starting with that church and being able to share and lead worship and finding ways to restore hope and doing that through your ministry, which is such an important and vital ministry to share with people, I think, in a world where we need hope for sure. I wonder if someone comes to hear you and sing at one of your concerts or one of your times when you gather with people together, what can they expect when they come in? What kind of a— just kind of explain a little bit what what happens when, when they come into one of your concerts?

Yeah, I try to share as much as I can about the restoration that the Lord did in my life. I try to— by— unfortunately, I've been through so many types of different losses and scary situations that there's always many people who can relate to the loss and to the experiences. And so I try to tell those stories and I try to bring people in. And so I weave my testimony in and among the songs. So whereas a concert might just be songs with like, this is what inspired the song, it's more like a story which then I fold in the songs into.

That's wonderful. And, you know, if I'm hearing you correctly, too, I think your ministry is especially essential now because you're, you're dealing with loss. And I think what a lot of us maybe don't realize right now, especially again, over the last couple of years, we're dealing with loss, and we don't realize it. We've lost a lot of things. And I don't know that a lot of us know how to define that. That's what we've done. And that's what we've been going through. And maybe in some ways, we don't realize that, that we've needed to grieve some things. And so maybe our society has been going through stages of grief without realizing it's been doing that. So in some pockets, we've been angry, in some pockets, we've been in denial, in some pockets, we've been bargaining, we've been doing all these different grief stages. And I wonder if somehow, what you have said, you've, you've dealt with so much loss, you're helping people kind of find freedom through acknowledging that, you know, in some ways, and I think that's a really important thing that you're doing, that maybe is more important now than ever, uh, with what people are coming with, all of their experiences. Even if they don't share the same experience exactly that you have had, I think that they would find a common ground with the stories that you're sharing in that, for sure.

That's what— that's my sense. And it— loss is universal. We live on a fallen planet, so, um, but people, um love to share. They come up after and they'll share their story of loss, really. And it can vary. Like you said, not everyone has had, you know, sexual abuse or have had the kinds of losses I've had, but many have. I went to coffee the other day with a woman who I had met at a conference and she's a leader and she appeared even to me who I know what it's like to put on, you know, appearances, but she appeared to be fully, you know, well and healed, you know, a healed person living in her fullness, but we went to coffee and someone, like the person next to you, what I want to say is the person next to you, we really, we hear this all the time, but we really absolutely do not know what they're carrying. And she had also been sexually abused as a child and has, has not healed, has not had that healing yet. And the Lord is healing. His whole character is wholeness. And so I encourage people to press in, let his plan prevail, because that is his plan. His plan is for healing and wholeness. And I, I— this, this, this meeting I had with this, with this woman just is making me think to tell you that I'm starting a ministry in January where I'm inviting 12 ladies to join me for 8 weeks of— it's like a spiritual mentorship where we're gonna go through things like forgiveness, you know, self-forgiveness and forgiveness, gratitude, boundaries. But the heart of it will be identifying and allowing the Holy Spirit to replace those lies that we believe. We go about our days so busy with our work, and we just don't really realize that as everything we're doing is kind of how we do it, and the words we use is based upon what we believe to be true. And so if we can slow down enough to pay attention to the lies that we're believing, the Spirit, the Lord, will replace them. He's got the truth for us. So we just, um, we want to get into a position where we're, where we're receiving, where we know we need and we Eve. So I'm really excited about that. I'm nervous and I'm excited because it's really the first time I'm doing it in this organized fashion. I've certainly walked beside many people, um, but this will be kind of a concerted, you know, 8-week journey.

Well, I'm, I'm glad that you shared about that because that was actually going to be my next question.

Yeah. And if I'm not mis—

if I'm not mistaken, that program in January, it's called Replacing the Whys. Yeah, I believe so. Yeah, I'm— I, I The one thing I seem to have neglected to write down, and I'm just going to let you say it because I want people to be informed about it, uh, your website. Can you give people the, the, uh, the web address for your website so they can find out more about it?

Yeah, as soon as you go to the website, you'll be directed, um, replacing the lies application. It's kind of the thing right at the top, but it's just my full name. So, okay, www. Melaniewaldman.com.

Okay, great. I was gonna say that, but sometimes people say like music afterwards or things like that, and I didn't want to say the wrong title. We will make sure and definitely have that website in our show notes for all of our listeners as well so they can just find it with a click today. Um, but this has been great. I, I want to thank you for, for coming on and sharing about your story, uh, talking about the new music, giving me a chance to share some of the new music today. We shared it at the top of the show. And as our conversation winds down today, we're going to share another song today. And I told you before we started that the song that I was really feeling from the album today is the song "Come Back" from Psalm 80. I love not only just the vibe of it because it just has a great feel to it, but really the words, especially as we're going into the Advent season here in just a couple of short weeks. "Come Back" is one that is really a great prayer for our hearts right now. So I believe we're going to close our show with that song today. So thank you for giving us permission to be able to share that this morning. Thank you for sharing from your heart. And we do want to recommend that everybody go to MelanieWaldman.com and find out more about her and her music. And it's on all the places that you stream music as well, whether it be Spotify, Apple Music. And I, I don't even need to tell my listeners, they know how to find music these days. Just look for Melanie Waldman, you're gonna find it for sure. But Melanie, thank you so much for being one of the voices in my head this week.

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you for having me.

Yeah, it is such a pleasure. Well, this is "Come Back," Psalm 80, from Melanie Waldman and her new album Psalm Songs.

God enthroned, be revealed in splendor as you ride upon angels' wings. You led us as a people and set us free. Loving Shepherd, won't you hear our plea? Shine forth from your throne, of dazzling light in the sight of my enemies. Stir up your mighty power in full display. Stir up your mighty power, oh God, we pray. Come back, come back, oh God of Israel. Come back, come You brought us out of Pharaoh's hand. Remember how you brought us as a tender vine. Yes, you cleared all the land, then you raised us high. You raised us as a people before our eyes. Why now have you broken down the fence you built? Trespassers steal the fruit right off the trees. How they laugh and they scorn and they mock us still. There's no peace in this land, and God, that's not your will. Come back, come back, O God of Israel. Come back, come back, command your angel armies Come back, come back, O God of Israel. Come back, come back, command your angel armies. Break through and reveal yourself. Revive us, God. Nothing can stop us now. Come care for your people and for your land. Nothing will ever stop us again. Come back, come back, oh God of Israel. Come back! Come back, O God of Israel! Come back! Come back! Command your angels on me! Come back! Come back, O God of Israel! Come back!

Come back!

Command my angel army! Come back! Come back, oh—

Thank you for joining me here this week on Voices in My Head. I hope you'll visit me on my website at rickleejames.com where you can find out more about me, get my music on vinyl and CD, follow my blog, and even schedule me for a concert or a speaking engagement. Better yet, even a book signing in your neighborhood. You can find all that and more at rickleejames.com. Also, it would mean a great deal to me if you could write a review of this podcast on iTunes. The more positive reviews that we receive, the more visible this podcast will be online. And now for the benediction: May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit, you may abound in hope. God bless you, and thank you for listening to Voices in My Head.