How Can I Control My Anger Issues As A Mother? Riddhi Deorah

You're an amazing parent. I think we are all amazing parents trying to do amazing things for our children. So. But yes, I'll receive that compliment. Thank you so much. Okay, so the first question, and this is something that a lot of you have asked and is that how can I control my anger issues that, you know, I try not to be angry with my child, but it just happens and I don't know why it happens and what can I do differently so that it doesn't happen? So here's something nice to understand and something which will may probably change things for you is to understand that we are not angry most of the time, but we sometimes choose to get angry. Now why do we get. Sorry. So you're not like an angry person, but sometimes you choose to get angry. And why do we get angry? Right? An anger is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it actually protects us and it can actually serve us also. So it's an emotion that we experience and it is something that you cannot get rid of completely. You can only learn how to manage it. Now understand that mostly we get angry with our children or we get mad at them and we scold them. We. This usually happens because with our children there is no danger that you are expecting, right? So basically there was this part of our brain called the reptilian brain. And a reptilian brain, the main function of our brain was to actually protect us from danger. That if they saw wild animals, you know, when we were evolving as a species. So the main function of the brain was to protect us from danger. So even now, when there is danger, we will choose to stay calm. So let's say, you know, if your mother in law, I'm just using this as an example, if she says something that you do not approve of, you will not get angry. Or if your friend also for that matter says something to you, which you do not approve of, you will not immediately get angry, but you will take some time to process. You will take time, take some time to think before you speak because your brain is giving you that message, okay? There is danger. Please think before you speak. Please process what you are going to say. Do not just talk, right? So now your brain is making you more alert and so you are becoming more mindful. You are taking the time to think before you start to speak and before you start to get angry. Now, in case of our children, there is no real danger because they are physically weaker than us. We know that they will not judge us too much. We know they will eventually come back to us. We know that they are not going anywhere. So because there is no danger, it becomes very easy for us to lose our calm and it usually comes out on them. So the only way for you to actually reduce this for yourself is to understand that, you know, getting angry or mad at our children is not really serving them. It's not serving us because we feel bad about it once it's done. And of course, our children don't get to learn the better thing to do because when we are angry, our volume, volume is usually high. We are screaming, we are shouting, and when we are doing all of those things, our children are not registering any information. They are not receptive at all. So if they are not registering or understanding what you are saying, what is the point of talking? Only when we are talking to them, when they are calm and when they are relaxed, will they actually register what we are saying. So it's very important for us to understand that anger is not something that you're. You're not an angry person. You just choose to get angry sometimes. And now that you know that, you know, why is it only happening mostly with my child? You can actually try to train your brain and tell your brain that, you know, I know that with my child you don't think that there is any danger and you do not ask me to stop. But I'm still going to stop for 10 seconds, I'm going to still process and then I'm going to talk. So it's not very difficult. But of course, you know, it takes practice and it will require some effort. So the best thing to do is that, you know, just set yourself a small commitment instead of telling yourself that, you know, I'm not going to, to be angry ever with my child. That is, you know, telling yourself that I'm never going to eat sugar for the rest of my life. So if I tell you that, you know, you cannot eat sugar for the rest of your life, even before you start, you will give up. Because now it is so challenging, right? You're thinking that, okay, this is so difficult. I cannot imagine not eating sugar for the rest of my life. So let me not even try. But if I tell you that, you know, please, let's not eat sugar for two days. For two days we can all manage, right? So like, if I tell Vinita or if I tell Sonali or if I tell Unshoe that, you know, just for two days, we are not going to eat sugar. In that case, what will happen? All of us will be able to, you know, at least start if maybe some of Us will not finish still, but at least most of us will start because we think that, okay, this is achievable. So that's what you want to do with your anger. You want to tell yourself that today, if you feel it's too much for you, then you set yourself a very small goal. And you tell yourself that today, till afternoon, I will not get angry. No matter what happens, no matter what my child does, I will try to stay calm till afternoon today. So you try that and you set yourself a small commitment. Because when you set a small commitment for yourself, it. It seems achievable. And when it seems achievable, you're more willing to try. And then once you feel that okay, afternoon is happening very comfortably for you, do that for one week, two weeks. And when you feel that okay, till afternoon, you're really being able to hold yourself and keep yourself calm, then you extend it. Then you tell yourself that, okay, today, whole day, I'm going to try and stay calm. Today, whole day, I'm not, I'm not going to raise my volume. Today, whole day, I'm going to think before I speak. So do this for some time and slowly, slowly. When you keep practicing this, you will see that you will start to fall more in love with this version of yourself. And then you will start to feel that, okay, this is so much better.

Because when I'm like this, my child.

Is actually understanding much better. And you will see yourself graduating from being like always angry with your child to being mostly calm with your child. But it's our journey. It's a process. It's going to take some time, but the more faith you have in it.

The more committed you are, the easier.

It is going to be.

And of course, self care, that's the.

Root cause of most of our anger.

If you are not doing anything to raise your energy, if you're not learning something new, if you're not investing in your growth, if you are not doing some sort of physical activity, if you're not eating healthy, if you are not living according to your values, like things that really make you happy, if you're not doing anything that gives you joy, so you are irritated. And an irritated person can never be calm and happy. So first you need to address that irritation in you by doing something fun every day, by doing something nice for yourself. And by nice, I just don't mean that, you know, watch Netflix or, you know, watch something on the tv. By nice, I mean do something productive.

Like, you know, watching Netflix late into the night sometimes, okay? But if you're doing this every day, you're actually reducing your energy because it's not something productive. So you know when you're talking about self care, it has to be things that actually increase your productivity, not reduce your productivity. So you know, like going out late into like late with friends. So all of that sometimes of course we can all indulge. We should all indulge sometimes. But not all of the time. Like not all the time. You cannot be doing this because if you are doing this all the time.

Your energy is going low.

Because understand parenting requires a lot of energy. So you want to do activities like, you know, walking or eating, right? Gratitude, affirmation, those kind of activities you want to do. And if you are a part of my tribe, you already know what I'm talking about, you understand these terms, you know what it is. So it's very important that you do these things because only when you do this will you really feel that you are good inside. And when you feel good inside, you're actually going to be in a state where you can appreciate what is there in your world. So you know, you'll be able to appreciate what's in your outer world. But if you're not feeling good inside, no matter how much you have in your outer world, you will not be able to appreciate it. It. So I think anger, you have to first tell yourself that even if there is no danger, because there is no real danger anymore, I still have to stay calm. That's very important. And when you start to train yourself slowly, slowly by setting small targets for yourself, it's just going to become easier for you.