How This Mother Transformed Her Fear of Losing Control into Peaceful Parenting

I'm so happy. I'm so happy that you're here. I'm so happy to be here with you. Raising a child in a joint family. I'm going to repeat that for you. Raising a child in a joint family, why is that such a big concern? We're going to talk about that today. What is it that you can do to raise your child happily in a joint family? We are going to talk about that today. But before I get started, I just want to go back to my childhood days and tell you a little about how I grew up, where I grew up, and what was it like. So I grew up in Kolkata and I lived in a family with 13 members. I lived with my grandparents and my uncle's family and. And we're all very different in the way we think. We like to do different things and we do things differently. But I grew up fine. I was always good at school. And I also found that one thing that really makes me happy. And also a lot of you watching this video must have grown up in our joint family. And now if you and I are doing fine, what is it that makes you believe that our children won't, they will do fine. And you have to trust that. Writing content on parenting for more than three years now and every single day, a lot of parents write to me and they tell me what are the different problems that they face in raising a child in a joint family. I've put these problems into six baskets and I'm going to tell you what those problems are. The major problems that we face while we're raising a child in a joint family. Problem number one, it is very difficult to have a proper, disciplined routine in place because other members of the family are not on your side and they don't want to enforce those rules. Number two is that you have so much work in a joint family that you don't find effective quality time for your child. That's the second problem. Problem three is that you are not able to follow a proper, healthy diet for your child because other members of the family are feeding junk food, chocolates, chips to your child. That's the other concern for you feel very insecure as a parent because your child is loving other members more. Because you're always over pampering your child so your child doesn't want to come to you. That's the fourth major problem. Fifth, there are other members in the house with children and your child is constantly compared to other children in the house and you feel that your child is an underperformer, slow learner and that you fail as a parent. That's the fifth problem. And the sixth problem is that other members expect a lot from you. And no matter what you do for your child, it's never enough. So these are the six broad issues that we face in a joint family setup. And we're going to talk about this and what is the solution around this, around these problems? Now, why is it that we face these problems in a joint family setup? One major reason why we face these issues in a joint family setup is that we've changed a lot as parents over these last few decades. We started to over manage our children and we want to take complete control over their lives. We want to decide when they wake up, when they sleep, what they eat, how much do they eat, how they speak, whom they speak with, and basically take control over everything that they are doing. And when somebody tries to interfere or gives us ideas about the way we should deal with this, we feel irritated, agitated, frustrated, and we feel like we are losing control. And it is this fear of losing control that makes us feel very stressed out and we feel very irritated. So this is the major reason or major cause that actually makes it very difficult for us to raise babies in a joint family setup over managing and trying to take complete control. So this is something that we should consciously try and move away from. Now that we've addressed the issue and the problem, let's move on to what the correct solution is. So the first step is acceptance. Accepting the fact that you have to live in a joint family, accepting the fact that you have to raise your child in a joint family system. And once you have accepted the fact that you have to raise your child in a joint family setup, you have to build a system within the setup to make and to provide a happy, nurturing environment for your child to grow in. So now you might ask me, what is that system and how do you build that system which allows you to bring up your child in a happy, nurturing environment? And with you feeling happy, your child learning the different skills that you want your child to learn. So the best way to do it and the system that I follow with my side, I also live in a joint family. And the system that works best for me is that have two baskets, the baskets of negotiables and the basket of non negotiables. So I'm going to explain to you what these baskets actually mean. So what is the basket of non negotiable? Basket of non negotiable includes activities or things that you don't want to compromise on, for instance, having a proper bedtime routine, fixed meal time, maximum permissible screen time in the day, maximum permissible sugar intake for the week, having a fixed study time. So these things are things that you don't want to compromise and you want to change child to have a fixed time for these things. So you. So this is the basket of negotiables. And then there is the basket of non negotiables, which can include things that you're more flexible about. For instance, it's okay if your child misses tennis class once because he's having a good time with his grandparents, or it's okay if the dadi or the grandfather gives him an extra toffee one day. So these are things this Farsi can include, things that you're a little flexible about. And you don't mind people undermining you when it comes to the baskets of negotiables. So this is very important. You must have these two baskets in place. And once you have these two baskets in place, the next step is communicating. Communicating with the other members of the family and letting them know that these are the two baskets that you have. And you want them to help you achieve this for your child. And you should do this in a very kind fashion. You should ask them for help, you should ask them for support, you should request them to be on your team. And when you do that, it's very unlikely that they'll say no. And even if they say no to you or don't give too much attention, sooner or later they will agree and they'll try to help you and support you. So it's very important that you have this and you communicate this with other members of the family. Clear, effective communication is very important. And sometimes we feel very scared to communicate because you feel it. Feel that they might be disrespectful. But it's important that you muster that courage and you speak up once, because this one communication can save you a lot of trouble in the future. So it's very, very important that you speak and you make it very clear to them that these are things that you don't want to compromise on as a parent and you want their help with this and you will see that they are helping you and it's going to happen. So it's very important that you take this step for your child and speak up. Other that you should really avoid if you're living in a joint family. Is the unhelpful pattern of thought. Why is it called the unhelpful pattern of thought? As the name suggests, because it's not productive at all and it just depletes your overall well being. And one very important unhelpful pattern of thought is mind reading. So sometimes we actually make assumptions in our head about what the other members of the family are thinking and that they're judging up their ending style. And more often than not, they're not even thinking anything. So it's very important that you just think for yourself and try to make those thoughts very positive. So when you have positive thoughts about other members of the family, you will actually see that you're getting positive vibrations in return. And sometimes because we don't communicate and we have a lot of negative thoughts in our mind, and that sort of builds a negative tension between you and other members of the family, and you'll never be in a happy state. You'll never enjoy your parenting days. So it's very important that you have positive thoughts and that you communicate with other members of the family if you have an issue. It's very, very important. Communicating is very, very important. And you also have to understand that everybody in the family has good intentions in mind for your child. Everybody has the same end goal. It's just that we have different routes, we have different ways of doing it. And no two people can ever want to do the exact same thing at all point. So we will always have a different way of doing things. Even you and your husband will never be on the same page. You'll have your own differences. So it's important to think that everybody wants the best for your child. And when you think like that, you'll make things very, very easy for you. So what are the main things that you have to do? You have to first accept that you have to stay in this setup. Then you have to build a system to help you stay in this in this setup. And then you have to cooperate, you have to adjust, you have to be tolerant, you have to be cooperative, understanding. And you have to communicate effectively when you do those things. You see life becoming very easy. In fact, I feel that joint family is such a huge support system. A lot of us really crave for it, those who don't have it. And you get so much more me time. You have so much more time for yourself or your husband. Your child is getting more love and attention that he or she deserves. So there are so many benefits of living in a joint family. So you must be grateful for what you have. Just be positive, communicate clearly. And I feel that the three main golden rules of staying happily in a joint family that has really worked well for me is, number one, accepting. Accepting your situation, that this is your situation, this is how the other members of the family are. And they're going to be like this. You cannot expect them to change. You cannot expect your situation to change. So you have to first accept the situation that you are in. Second thing that you have to do is you have to communicate effectively and clearly what is it that you want, what of help you want from the other members of the family, how you want them to be on the same team as you, and how you can actually have the same end goals for your child. So communicating is the second golden rule, and the third is adjusting and cooperating. You have to be flexible, you have to cooperate, and you have to do things that you don't like sometimes because everybody else in the family is also doing the same. It's not just you who's cooperating and adjusting. Everybody else is also cooperating at multiple levels and layers. So it's important that you do that. So if you actually do these three things, accept, communicate, and cooperate, you'll see that your life will be very easy, beautiful, and your child is going to have a great time, is going to grow up to be an amazing, amazing human being. So with that, I like to end this. And I'm Riddhi Devra. I'm a parenting coach. And if you want more information on parenting, you can actually find me on Instagram and by the name of Ridhidevra, and also our website, ridhidevra.com it was a pleasure being here, and I really hope that you have a great time raising your kids in a joint family setup.