Parenting Talk With Parentin Expert, Author & Coach - Judy Arnall

Thank you so much for your patience, guys. And I'll just quickly walk you through what we'll be discussing about. We'll be talking about child brain development, about activities and the education, the options that you have to educate your children during COVID home led education, the difference between a real school experience versus a digital school. So there are many, many interesting topics that we'll be covering. We just waiting for Judy. This is her first time and I'm really happy that she's trying this for all of us and I'm really, really excited to have her. So she's joined the call. Now I just, I'm waiting for her request. Oh, yes, it's come. I'm so happy. Oh, finally. Yay. Chanting in my head, I was like, this has to go through. Yeah. I'm so, so happy that it finally happened. Thank you so much for your patience, everyone. Thank you for waiting and yes. So I'll just quickly introduce Judy once again. So she's a parenting expert, she's a coach, she's an author, and she's authored so many books. Like I mentioned, the last word on pair, I have this whole list. The last word on parenting advice, Unschooling to university, Discipline without distress. Wow. Yes. Amazing. Parenting with patience. Plugged in parenting and attachment parenting tips is just amazing. And I'm so, so glad that you found the time and you tried coming on Instagram live. It really means a lot. Super grateful and extremely excited. And I've prepared a few questions that I'll be asking and we'll also be taking a few questions from the audience. We try and answer as many as we can. But so we first address the questions that I've prepared so that, you know, everybody can benefit from it. So the first question that I have from for you is child's brain development. You know, ever since we become parents, we are so bothered about, you know, what activities we should do with our kids, how should we speak, what language to speak in, and what are the things that we can actually do with our kids in order to make sure that, you know, we are sort of promoting a growth in their brain development.

Okay, can you hear me okay?

Yes, perfect. Okay.

So age of the child is really, really important. So the brain, if you can see this, the brain in all children worldwide develops from the bottom to the top and then from the back to the front. So little babies have this much brain development as they grow into toddlers. And little kids, they have about this much brain development. And as they start to go to school, it's More this part, and then the teen years are this part. So what you want to do is as a parent, you want to stimulate the brain. So let kids play, talk to them. Across all countries, all cultures, those are the things that make kids smart, is having conversations with parents and having you don't have to buy them a whole lot of toys, letting them play safely and discover their world. That's the best thing to do to grow their brains.

Right? Right. So, yes, and also there's this constant feeling of competition. You know, like sometimes when kids, you know, certain age, like, they start to walk sooner, some kids start to write sooner. And there's always this feeling that parents have that, are we doing something wrong? Because, you know, other kids around us are doing it. Why is my child not doing. So what do you have to say?

Well, I was one of those parents who thought, you know, you could push your kids and then they will do better. But parenting is about. It's half nurture, half nature. So a lot of when kids start to do things are very much ingrained in the brain. So, for example, when children start to read, when they start to talk, when they start to walk there again, across all cultures, there's a window of opportunity. So all children learn to walk between about 8 months old and 18 months old, and all children learn to talk between about one year old to three years old. And then they learn to read anywhere from 4 years old to 12 years old. So we can try and push those things, but we aren't going to be have much luck because it's very much set in their development in their brain. And in my books, I argue that all children learn to read unless there is a learning disability. But in neurotypical children, they all learn to read whether we teach them or not. They are going to pick it up if they're surrounded by language.

Right? Right. Yes. So one other question that I had, which is because of the situation that we are in right now, digital schooling versus real physical schooling. So, you know, a lot of parents feel that they're losing out on a year, especially parents with younger kids. So in India, we usually send kids to preschool when they are two, two and a half, and like they go to proper formal school, like nursery when they're three and a half, four. So because of COVID a lot of parents are not being able to send kids, especially parents who are in this age bracket of 2 to 3, their kids have not seen real school. So they are really worried because they have to directly start with either digital education or they have to Stick with homeschooling. So, you know, they are really confused as to what they should be doing as parents.

Yeah, same here in North America. Same concerns. And I want to reassure parents that all children learn. You cannot stop a child from learning. And especially with the Internet now, I mean, there's learning everywhere in the Internet. But children, young children under age six years old, they learn best through three dimensional play. So, so for coloring or just through toys, they learn so much. And we have parents who want to put their kids on digital preschool and digital nursery school and online school, and we say no, their brains are not wired to learn through a screen. So young children learn through all their five senses, through their sight, their hearing, their taste. That's why they put everything in their mouth to taste it, touch. So the more they use those five senses in their learning, which it's great if it's in a classroom or if it's with homeschooling as much as possible, don't give them worksheets, don't give them online learning. They need to experience and do it themselves through play, through interaction with other kids, through interaction with parents and teachers and adults. So that's the best learning. When children are teenagers, they can go online.

Right? Right, right. So like right now, like, you know, like we don't know when schools are going to reopen. And a lot of like, you know, even if schools do reopen, parents are not like, you know, very ready or prepared to send their children to school. So in that case, like, like you said, like, homeschooling is good, but like if some parents are working or they don't have the right support system, so what do they do? Like is online fine then or they should still, you know, just try to just let them explore. Because, you know, this is actually a question that I understand is there's no right or wrong to this because, you know, the parent has to eventually decide what's best for them. But I just want your view on this.

Like there's. And that's true. The parent knows what's best and how a child learns. Right. So there are even a lot of children. Like I have five kids and one of my kids does not learn online. He's 18. He needs a classroom, he needs a teacher to explain things to him. He can't read it off a screen. So parents know best what their, how their kids learn. But generally speaking, in terms of brain development, young children from about age 0 to age 5 learn best through experiential learning. Well, this is sensitive as they get older and you know, when they're about 8 years old to adults, then they can learn more through online learning because then it's not more two dimensional. It touches the sight and the hearing, but not everything else. So. So generally speaking, as much as you can. But there are a lot of. This is why I wrote this book, is there are a lot of kids out there who do not do any, any formal learning until the teen years. And they do just fine at universities. So parents know best. My, my advice to parents is don't worry, your kids are gonna learn. They're, they're wired to learn, they want to learn, and they will not be behind.

Right. And now this question, actually, Judy, is like really important because I feel there's so much information about parenting, especially because of social media, like even on Google, on Facebook, on Instagram, you have so much information about parenting. And you know, everybody is advocating a different thing. Like, you know, everybody has their own view, like you said, you know, Digital Avoid till 5. There are parents, there are experts who say that don't use the word no. Some parents, some experts tell us that, you know, it's okay to use the word no because you have to have some boundaries for your child. You have to tell them what's right, what's wrong. So, you know, there's so much information overload that becomes very overwhelming for a parent. And sometimes, you know, you start to question your decisions as a parent, whether this, whatever I'm doing, is it the right thing or the best thing for my child. And they just don't understand how to handle all the information that they are being fed.

Yeah. Yes. That's a common problem over here too. And what's happening worldwide in the parenting field is that we know what types of parenting impairs brain development. So I call it my list of 10 no no's. And everybody is a fantastic parent. No matter, no matter if you're an attachment parent or a free range parent or a more authoritarian parent, those things really don't matter. In terms of growing brains. What matters is the list of no no's. So physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, witnessing addictions, those kinds of things are what really messes kids up. Those are the things you don't want to do in parenting. We call those ACEs or adverse childhood experiences. And there's a list of 10 everybody can Google if you want to Google Asus.

And he made a note of it.

Yeah, A C E. Adverse childhood experiences. Those are the things that you don't want to do in parenting. Everything else really doesn't matter whether you know, whether you use diapers or don't use diapers, whether you breastfeed or bottle feed, whether you homeschool or digital school, your child's gonna thrive no matter what. And I think we have to build parents confidence back up because yes, there is so, so much information out there. Don't do this, don't do that. Very confusing, very contradictory and not necessary.

Yeah, right, right. I think this is beautifully answered. So just don't focus on what you have to do. Just remember things that you don't have to do as parents. And this is going to really make your life simple. I'm going to pull out this list of aces for you and post it on Instagram. This is really nice. Beautifully answered. And the other thing, this is actually from a book that you've written, Unschooling to University, where you mentioned that, you know, unschooling can be an alternate to formal education. So what? Like, if you could just share a little about this concept of unschooling with our audience.

Okay, so unschooling is empowering your child to learn what they want to learn, what their interests are and in the time that they want. And it's not. I mean, some kids do want formal education, but a lot of children just want to play. And that's what it is. It's empowering children to learn through play, through investigating, researching, whatever they want to know. And my book is about 30 kids who did that and they all got accepted to universities and colleges because they were so self directed in their learning. They now at the end of how they got to universities, they did have to do a few high school courses to brush up on, or they wrote some exams, SATs, different exams to get to university. But their learning was exactly similar to what kids learn in school. So it's a really empowering way to help children learn. And there's no motivation problems at all.

And I completely agree with this because I feel that I don't remember anything or what I actually learned at school. You know, like maybe like just the communication part and making friends and the social skills. But as far as the curriculum is concerned, it's mostly like, you know, what you're interested in and what you actually read about. That's what stays with you. Like I did economics and now I'm doing parenting. So you know, there's no link between what I studied and what I'm actually doing. So I completely agree with what you just mentioned. Like if you can be whatever you want to, even without going to a formal School, that is.

Yeah, well, all learning does, it stimulates neurons, so it helps neurons connect with other neurons and that's what learning does. And up until again, up until about the teen years, so. So when this part of the brain is developing, kids don't remember anything they learn in school or homeschooling, they don't remember any of that. They remember quite a few things in the teenage years and then they remember much more as they go into their line of work or career. So you can stimulate those brain cells through a lot of different ways, not just schooling or formal teaching.

Right. So also this very beautiful thing that you've spoken about in one of your books, Discipline without Distress. This is so beautiful, the words. And I just. Yeah, I feel that it's very, very important that, you know, we know how to do that. So if you could just share with our parents, you know, how can you actually get your kids to do things for you without feeling very distressed, anxious, stressed out?

Okay, in a few sentences I'll tell you again, it's very much related to the capabilities of children's brains. So from 0 to age 6, if you tell your child to do something, about 60% of the time they're not going to do it. And that is because their development of their self control so that prefrontal cortex doesn't really kick in till about age six. And that's normal. That's not a discipline issue, that's just normal brain development. So if you tell a three year old put your shoes on, 60% of the time they're not going to listen to you, they're not going to do it. So what you have to do is go in there and put their shoes on for them. If you told a 7 year old to put their shoes on, then you can expect that a seven year old might listen better. So discipline is all about learning what kids are capable of and disciplining is about teaching. And I am so against punishment. So any kinds of punishment I do not believe in. I raised five kids, five teenagers without punishing them. And the benefit is our communication and our relationship is just amazing. It's not to say we didn't have problems, but they, when they get into trouble or they make mistakes, they come to you and say, how do I fix this? I don't know what to do do. And they're not afraid of you because you've just taken that fear out of the relationship. And you can help them. You can say, well, here's some ways to solve your problem. And they listen to you and Then they, they have that ability to solve their own problems because that's the big discipline tool we've used. So from age 0 to 3, best discipline tool was redirection, childproofing, keep them safe and then as they get better at talking, then you problem solve with them. That is the biggest tool we've used is problem solving with them and keeping those communication skills up.

Right, right. So this is again beautiful. And I completely agree with not punishing because I have four other siblings. So we are like five of us that grew up together. And I don't remember like, you know, times when my mom has punished us or anything. It was all like you mentioned, you know, communication is the key, I feel, you know, when you can communicate with ease, a lot of it becomes very, very easy for the parent and the child both. I feel also you will, you're not under this constant fear of hiding information from your parent. You know, when I was growing up, I had friends who used to hide a lot of information from their parents because they were scared. Scared, you know, tell them or you know, to discuss it with them. But it was always very easy for me to actually go and speak to my parents about everything because it was just, there was no system of punishing or judging. It was always about like giving direction. So, yeah, that's very beautifully put. And one more thing, parenting with patience. Again, like in one of your books, you've mentioned how we should recognize that we are stressed or anxious and then how we can manage it and then we can respond in a skillful manner rather than reacting. So this is again like very nice.

That is, yeah, that's the one thing in parenting I would suggest to parents is just keep, get your calm first. So before, you know, like kids, kids misbehave, they're messy, they're noisy, you know, and they don't mean to be, but that's the way they are. And our job is to keep control because they don't have the control. So we have to keep our control and just take a 10 minute break. Deep breathe, breathe in, breathe out, get yourself calm before you deal with anything. And we make better decisions that way because that way, that's how you get to non punitive discipline is you take a break, you get control of your anger, then you come back and look at the situation and you say, then okay, well he is only 5, he doesn't know better. I'll handle it this way. Or maybe you say, oh, he's nine, he should know better. I'm gonna handle this this way. Right so it's, it's getting ourselves calm first and then. And in the book I do list about 70 ways to, to get calm. And it's also on my blog too @judy are now.com there's 70 ways to get yourself calm before you deal with your kids.

Wow. So yeah, please guys, make a note of this. You must go to the blog and refer to this list of 70 ways. Like I think I can just talk about 7 to 10 and I would definitely go and look up. So it's beautiful. So now I have a few more questions but I think I'm to going to take a few questions from the audience and then I'll ask you those questions towards the end because we have so many questions. So let's just take a few. My son, this is my sheet from Sheetal. My son is 6 months, 6 days old and I want him to have good communication skills in different languages and have good grasping power. So what are the things that I should do and how do I instill a habit of reading in him?

Okay, it's not too, too late to start with babies. So all children are wired, their brains are wired to learn any language on earth. So if you have, if your partner speaks a different language or you speak a different language or you send them to a school that speaks a different language, kids will learn all three of those languages and they will interchange them. But it's, it's all great, they will sort it out in the end. So we encourage parents to talk to your child in your language and start. And that's the big thing is because we're so much on our phones, our computers, we tend not to talk to our children as much now and they're losing language. And that's a big window of opportunity from 0 to age 5 is learning language. Because once kids learn language then they can excel in communication and relationships and self control. So start talking to your child. Read to them. So have some, even if they're six months old, just read a little storybook at the end of every day and as they get older, sit down with books with them and read. Or even the iPad too. I mean it's all reading, right?

Language.

And that's how you raise a child who is very, very verbal and very good at talking and communication.

Right? Lots of talking and lots of reading. And there's this question from Swathi. What can we do when a four year old just throws the toys on us and does not want to obey us?

Okay, okay. Gee, I wish I had that graph to show you probably don't have it here, but four years old again, so they're gaining self control. Okay, so they're not quite there yet. So throwing toys is a very physical thing to do for them to handle their anger and frustration. So it's normal. I wouldn't expect a nine year old to throw their toys, but for a four year old that's normal. Now that doesn't mean you don't do anything you can say to them. No, we don't throw our toys and then guide them to another activity that helps them handle their frustration and anger. And again, maybe that's just, you know, hugging a pillow or maybe, you know, a safe place to throw things at. Maybe they can throw pillows at a wall or something like that. So giving them something to do, we say here's the no list. No hitting, no biting, no pushing, no throwing toys. But we don't say here's the yes list. Here's what you can do when you're angry. And this is what we have to teach our kids because anger is a normal emotion. Every family has to deal with it. How does your family deal with it? What's on your yes list?

Right. Again, beautifully answered. And I'm noting like, you know, I'm taking notes while you're speaking and there's this question that my, my baby is not interested in writing. She only wants to read all the time.

She's not interested in, in sorry, writing. Writing. Oh, okay. How old is the child? Do we know?

Mention the age, Bharti. And till then I'm going to take another question. One second. My kid is 3.7. He's a boy. He has habit of hitting his siblings and we live in a joint family. So how can I control him?

Okay, that's very common too, very natural. Again, I would suggest don't let him hit. So maybe hold his hands and say, no hands are for helping, not hitting. Here, you can do this. So again, back to that yes list. If he's frustrated, if he's angry, you can give him things to do, stomp his feet, maybe get him a little toy drum or something he can bang, things like that that don't hurt anybody or don't hurt your house. And it takes a lot of repetitions. You say no hitting, no hitting. I can't tell you how many times I told that to my kids.

Right?

You're going to say that hundreds of times. And eventually those brain cells are going to have nice connected pathways. So someday they're going to remember no hitting. So you just have to reinforce it and make sure he doesn't hit anyone. So. So the lady who wanted to know about writing her child was.

Yeah, I think I can't. I don't have the ag. One second. I'm just gonna scroll down because Insta can get a little tricky. So I'm just gonna take a few other questions. I'm a wonder. I'm a working lady. Not able to give him online and homeschooling and I feel very guilty. But he's very much into free play with three kids. We have three kids on the same floor. So is it okay?

Oh, yes. Free play is awesome. And like I said, that's how unschoolers learn, is through play, through play, projects, whatever they want to do. So yes, absolutely. They're, they're going to learn everything they need to learn. I actually, as my kids, my kids didn't do any formal classes until about age 15 and I got them tested. They did our school testing at age little bit before that, about age 10, 10 and 13. And they could do the same math and the same languages that kids in school could do. So they learned it, but they learned it through play rather than through online. So don't worry, your kids are going to keep learning fine. Just fine.

So, Saloni, there's absolutely no reason to worry. Your child can do pre play. And then there's this question. My daughter is 4 years old and she does not feel like opening up and talking and is very shy. So what should I do? Actually, I'm just going to club another question with this question, the shyness, because a lot of parents, in fact two, three parents messaged me today and they're very worried because their kids are not very friendly and they don't want to become friends with anybody and they just feel, you know, that their child is only like, you know, with the parent, but they don't have anybody else that they are interacting with other than the parent. So this is something that's been really worrying them. So it's.

So children don't need a whole lot of friends. And I think that's kind of a myth that we, we buy into. But really children just need one good friend to have, you know, healthy relationships that could be a sibling too, that one friend. But shyness is, it's inborn and it's something that we can't really push kids out of. We have to respect who they are. They could be very extreme introverts. And as long as they know how to do things that they have to do like go see the doctor or Go to school, things like that. But if they're shy and they don't want to interact with other kids, don't push them. You'd actually do more damage by pushing them. I always say encourage, encourage, encourage, but don't force them because they need gentle encouragement. But they need to go at their own pace and set the timeline that they want to do that. And, like, out of my five kids, I have one child that is super, super shy. He will always be shy, but I've made sure that he can do things like he can go to the store, he can ask for things, you know, like make phone calls. So that will come. Yeah.

So I think that is completely true. Also, I would just like to add one point. Like, you know, shyness and confidence. I think people really get confused when it comes to the two things. You know, they feel that if you're shy, you're not confident. Like, I, when I was growing up, I was very, very shy. Even now, you know, when I meet people, it takes me a lot of time to open up, but then, you know, I'm really confident and I can do other things. Like, you know, I'm doing Instagram Live, which I feel a lot of people would not be okay doing. So you select what you want to do, and you're just shy around certain people, maybe. So I think, like you said, just, I think waiting is the best option.

Yeah.

Yeah. My baby is not having a food for the last seven days. And whenever I offer her, she is saying that, please give me my toy. Like, she just doesn't want to eat food.

And how old is the baby?

Yeah, again, guys, please mention the age as well. We can skip the food questions if you want, because I just want to focus on parenting education. But if she mentions, we can also address it. How do.

I could tell you one thing, is that babies, babies from 0 to 12, they triple their birth weight in the first year because they're eating, eating, eating. But by the time they turn 1 to about age 4, they barely gain any weight because they're so busy. And a lot of them don't eat very well. They're very picky eaters. So if the age is between one to four, that's very, very common. If they're 18 months old, that's very common. So again, don't force food. Your job is to put the food there, and their job is to eat. So they'll. They'll eat everything they need to eat. So if they're not eating, don't worry about it. Again, don't Worry. And that is such a common problem for that age.

Right, Right. And like this question is by Sangeeta, I have two kids and the older child is very jealous of his younger siblings. So what do I do to make it okay?

Oh boy, that happens everywhere too. Sibling fun. You know, you can't control the relationship. Your kids are going to have your siblings. All you can do is love each one the best you can. And we try not to make everything equal in our family. We give according to what people need rather than equal. So if one child needs a jacket to go to school, that doesn't mean I'm going to buy all the other kids jackets. They'll get what they need when they need it. So I would say spend some time with each child if you can alone because that really helps the sibling relationships and you know, love each child. But you, you can't control your children's jealousy towards each other. It's normal. They'll get over it. And that's the best you can do, really.

Right. So then we have this question. Can you recommend a few activities that I can do with my 14 months old baby?

14 months. I would say reading is good, but let them set the pace. If they're not interested, don't force it. 14 months. They like to explore. So they like to explore objects. So anything you have around the house is really good. They like to play with water, they like to play with sand, they like to play with just toys. But you have to be careful because up until age 4, they put everything in their mouths. So it's got to be safe. Non, non, poisonous. But just let them explore their environment and that's all the toys they need. They don't need expensive toys. You give a child a box, a cardboard box, they love it that her older brain cells.

Right? Yeah, I completely agree. You know, you can get them toys, but if they find a box, they choose the box. So this is another question. Yes, there's this other question from Chitra. I have a son, 4.5 years old, he's a boy and he's got this habit of getting toys from that he sees with other kids and he always wants more and more of it and he's always expecting people to surprise him with more toys. So yes, I think just once more.

Well, I think kids love toys and actually research shows that when kids have too many toys, they play with none. It's just overwhelming. So I always say to parents, pack away toys, like put them in a box, put them away. And especially from children ages 0 to about age 8, they forget about them and then you bring them out a month later, bring out the box. Especially if you have to get something done, bring that box out and then it's new to them and they'll play again. So if they have too many toys, they don't play with them. And it's okay to say no to our kids. I'm non punitive discipline. But I do believe you have to put limits on things you can't. There are times you really have to say no and your child's gonna react, they're gonna cry, they're gonna tantrum, they're gonna kick, and that's okay. They're allowed to feel frustrated when you say no. But stay with your no, don't change it to a yes. If you really believe in your no, stick with your no. And that's the hardest part about non punitive discipline is sticking to your boundaries.

Right. So there's this question from Rinky. My elder baby is seven and he's very hyperactive. Is it possible that my younger1, who's 2.5, will also get this from him? So she's worried whether the elder one is going to be like influence on the younger one?

Not really, no. Children are born with different temperaments and if one child is more active, hyperactive, then that doesn't mean they're siblings. Their siblings might copy some things they do, but children, very often a very active child has a very non active sibling because they're born with different temperaments. Temperament originates in the brain and more spicy temperament. Children have more brain activity in the left front lobe and more easygoing, calm. Children have more brain activity in the right frontal lobe. So it's how they're born. So don't worry.

I actually thought of like my nieces and they're exactly like what you mentioned. The elder one is really active and the younger one is very, very calm. So it's like, yeah, that's true. Yeah, he writes when I make him do so, but he's very naughty, gets diverted quickly. Again, the age is missing. So she's saying that when I want him to do something, he does it. But he gets distracted very easily.

Yeah, up until, you know, I would say a 12 year old, you can expect them to do what you tell them to do. So up until then, children vary in their ability to do what you want. So I would say and from zero to age six, like I said before, is not, it's not a good age. So you have to repeat, repeat, stand by them, make sure they do something that you ask them and if they don't do it, you know, it's okay. It doesn't mean that they're never going to do it. And the problem with parents is that we think, okay, my child's two, if I don't make them do this, they're never going to do this. And we forget that their brains are going to mature, they're going to get better at self control and then they will do it. And it's a development issue, it's not a discipline issue that we have to really enforce at the time. They can't do it right.

It's beautiful. And there's this question one she says that I want my son to be an all rounder. I want him to be good at everything. Reading, writing, singing, drama, language, everything. And I'm really excited and I'm ready to invest and spend time with him. So what do you recommend?

That's awesome. That's great. There's not a lot of kids that are really good at everything out there though. There's a theory of multiple intelligences where, where we're. Where all people are very good in two intelligences. So there's eight intelligences, there's math, there's language, there's music, there's interpersonal, intrapersonal, there's body. And every one of us is good in about two of those and we're really bad in about two of those. So the best you can do as a parent to nurture all your children's gifts is to give them time to explore, give them things to play with, give them love, talk to them, give them communication and facilitate their learning. We can't make sure they have things to do like you know, if they want to write, make sure they have paper and pencils or that kind of thing. So that's the best you can do. And we can't really control Holocaust kids are going to turn out. We can nurture them, love them, give them structure, but how they turn out is who they're going to be. And most kids are wonderful.

Yeah. So we have this other question. My daughter is 10 and she just can't sit for study for a really long time, has very low concentration. What can I do?

10 years old. Okay, so there's still 10 year olds that learn best through experiential learning. So if she's studying fractions in math and she can't concentrate on worksheets, then take her into the kitchen and start cooking or baking or learning math through shopping. So try and make it more experiential. If her concentration is not very good on, on work she has to do and give her lots of time for breaks, you know, let her listen to music. However, however our kids learn, try and, and let them learn that way if you can.

Right. So we have so many more questions. My son who is 4.10 can't, he can't speak clearly. S and then she's mentioned a few letters. S, X, H, Z. So when we are doing phonics he's not able to speak those sounds. So what can I do to help him? He's four.

Four I would say four is getting to. And that's where children could speak a little more clearly, where people outside the family should be able to understand them. I would suggest maybe waiting till the child is five because they do these big leaps of development in those years. Wait till they're five and see if people outside your family can't understand your child. If they can't, then it might be time to have them assessed by a speech language person professional. But yeah, yeah, so maybe you can.

Just wait for one more year and then consult a speech therapist. So there's this question from Salma and she's saying that I have a five year old and he's extremely. But I think you've partially addressed this already. Five year old, extremely stubborn and I don't know how to handle him.

Well there's a saying that the mighty oak tree is yesterday's acorn that stood their ground. So stubbornness is a good quality just when it's not against you. So we. So generally children who are born with a more spicy spirited temperament are very stubborn and it serves them well because they, they are on a path, they're very hard working, they're very determined, they have a lot of good, good qualities. But that stubbornness is, is very annoying when you're trying to parent that. So I would suggest don't get into power struggles with your child. If they're stubborn and they say no, maybe take a step back, go calm down and come back and readdress it, say it again, say it a different way, ask them to do something a different way but don't get into a fight with someone over that. Like you're never going to win a power struggle but kind of work with that stubbornness.

About also this question. Like, you know, this is not a question in the chat but I keep getting this question. Sometimes mothers, they are so frustrated and because of this system that they are in, you know, they are like really overwhelmed and all their frustration actually comes out on the child and they sometimes, you know, hit the child and they don't want to do it, but they just do it. And then they are very guilty and they want to fix it and then they just do it again. And you know, it just sort of keeps growing. So I was having this one on one call with the parent and she was really struggling with this. That, you know, she knows that what she's doing is not right and she doesn't want to do it. But you know, when it happens, like, I think the anger or the irritation just consumes her and then she just hits the baby. So how can we like really get out of this? And I feel that there are a lot more parents. Some of them really come up and, you know, own it, but some, you know, they just go through it. So if you could just address this.

It's hard. Parenting is a very stressful job. And I think we have to look at our own stress and see where ways that we can cut down and make our lives a bit easier. Right. So for example, I had four kids and my husband was working out of the country and my kids wouldn't, I decided not to give them pajamas. I would just, after their baths, I would dress them in their next day's clean clothes. So we didn't have that battle in the morning. So look at ways to cut out your stress, but realize that if you're not happy with how you're reacting with your kids, patience is a skill we get better at the more we do it.

So.

And we also say to parents, you're not perfect. If you aim for good parenting, about 70% of the time you're doing good. So 30% of the time you're not doing good parenting or you're yelling at them, or you're losing it, that's okay. But 70% of the time, try and be patient. Try and not indulge the kids. Try and, you know, be a nurturing, structure parent. So that's all you can do. Just aim for 70%.

So there's this question, she's saying that I have a 2.5 year old niece and she just doesn't want to get involved in any activity. She just wants to watch content on YouTube.

And.

On YouTube also, she's mostly just switching channels and not watching anything. So how can I stop that?

You can hide the iPad. I mean, we, we control what our kids, how much screen time they have, right? We, we are the keepers of the screen time. So we can definitely say no iPad today, no YouTube today, and give them toys and if they have bored kids become very creative kids. That's something we definitely address in unschooling, is that children will find things to do if you take away their screen time. Now there are guidelines for young children in screen time. I know in North America they say no screens under age 2 because kids learn, their brains learn through those five senses, through seeing, hearing, touching, tasting. That's how they learn, they learn best. So if, try, try just hiding the screen screens and saying, oh, they're broken today and see what your child does for play.

Yeah, I completely agree. Like screen is completely something that you can monitor. So if you want to reduce it, the best way to do it is to just get it out of sight. Yeah, this one is a very nice question. At times I get emotionally worried about my four year old daughter. I feel, feel disturbed because of the circumstances at home that I'm unable to manage. And if you're losing or building a bond with my daughter.

Oh you, you never lose your bond with your children. Children are so amazing. They, I mean unless, unless you abuse your children like you know, we talked about those aces, right? But you can build a bond with your kids at any time. And I often get parents of teenagers coming to me and saying, how do I, I've lost my child, how do I make my communication better? And you can see their relationships get better over classes and over time. So you can always build bonds with your children. And they are so loyal to parents. They love you with all your faults no matter what. So I wouldn't worry about that. Children are very, very, very loyal to parents. They really are. So don't worry, do what you can.

Actually, her question has reminded me of another question that I got for a one on one. So like this parent, she has a child and she's really worried that, you know, there are people around the child that are not like great influence on the child. But there's no way she can do anything about it because she's living in a joint setup and she's worried that she's not being able to bring up her child the way she would like to. So what can she do if she's in such a situation?

And that's not a problem either. All children need across the world is one good loving adult to attach to.

That's it.

If they have more, the better, right? So if they have a loving caregiver or a loving grandparent and two loving parents, that's awesome. But all they need to grow up healthy and smart is one attachment to an adult. So it doesn't matter if there's bad influences there. She is going to matter most to her child and the child is going to attach to her, especially if she's warm and nurturing to the child. So she's going to have the biggest influence.

Right? Right. Yeah. I'm getting to learn so much. It's amazing. And we have, I have a five year old and he started complaining about something or the other and he's all the time complaining. How can I stop his complaining?

Best way to stop someone's complaining is to validate it. So people keep complaining because nobody really hears them. So if your child is saying, I don't like this program, you can say to the child, wow, I see or I hear that you don't like what you're seeing or what you're hearing. So you're validating how they feel. It doesn't mean that you agree with it. Or if a child's frustrated, you could say, wow, you're really angry right now. I can see you're angry and you're not agreeing with that anger. You're not passing judgment on it. All you're saying is, I can see you're angry. You're validating what they're feeling. And once they're validated, then they stop because they've already been hurt. So it's a really hard way. It's really hard to teach parents a skill. We call it active listening. And it's really hard to teach, but it's so effective, believe me. I had five grumpy teenagers and they complain about everything. I don't like this dinner. I don't want to do my chores. And I just validated them. I said, oh, you don't want to eat this dinner? This dinner is really crappy to you? And they, they said, yeah, and that's. It stops the complaining. And they kept eating the dinner. So it really helps.

That's actually like a really good hack. And my daughter is 11 and I'm in a joint family. I think we've already taken this one, so I think there are a few. But we are almost like hitting one hour. So I'm just going to quickly ask you the questions that I have, just one or two and then we'll end. Okay, we have one more. We'll just take this because it just showed. My son is three years, three months. He doesn't interact. He only talks or responds. I think you've already addressed this like it's about shyness. I think only wants to interact with family members like teachers or any Other outsider, he doesn't want or even greet or even look at them. So I think it's again yeah, at.

That age it's they're very shy, they hide behind parents legs.

I have one question actually. This is about fear. You know, like lot of kids actually of fear and they're scared of a few things. Like you know, my son was scared of pressure cooker and there are kids who are scared of different things. So what can you like, I, I, it's gone now, the fear. You know, I didn't do anything about it, but I think they just take their time and get okay. But you know, like some parents get really worried that my child is very scared. And one day I had a parent and her problem was that the child is scared the minute they step out of their home. Like he doesn't want to go out at all. So how should a parent deal with such a situation.

Now? Yeah, a lot of kids have anxiety. Anxiety is a lot of those fears, typical childhood fears, like dogs, monsters in the closet kind of thing. Those things, they're good, they're a sign of brain development and they're really, really strong about age 3 to 5. And it's a sign that kids can think ahead and imagine fears of bad things happening, which is very, very good. But they tend to go away. But children who have anxiety tend to, as they get older and go through the teen years, their anxiety increases. So the best thing parents can do is to encourage, again, encourage your child to face those fears. So if they don't want to leave the house, maybe the parent goes with them the first time and they sit on the front step and then the next time the parent goes with them and they go a little further and a little further. And each time encouraging the child to kind of push their comfort zone. And that's all you can do. You can encourage them, nudge them to do that, but you can't force them. And don't, don't force them because it makes it too traumatic and it increases the fear. They have to go at their own level. Right.

So just. Yeah, and there's this question from Saks. You're getting so many questions. Yeah, but like this will be the last. There's this question from Sakshi and she's asking, my daughter is 4 and I want to inculcate good habits so I'm correcting her and asking her to do things. But there are other children who are not being asked to do those things. Like their parents are not asking them. So she doesn't like her mother anymore because she feels that, you know, my mother is always after my light and the other kids get to do whatever it is that they wish to.

And that's a good, that's a good point. And that's so true. But at about age 18 months, children figure out what's allowed with each adult. So what they can do with mom is not going to be the same as what they can do with dad and what they can do with grandma or babysitter, and that's okay. What they can do with grandma or babysitter, and that's okay. They learn that and that's it's important that parents don't feel they have to do the same as everybody else. Each parent is building a relationship with each child. And so, for example, my husband was a lot more strict with my kids than I was. And they love us both. Kids love parents no matter what. So don't worry if you're more strict than other parents. Your children are still going to respect and love you. They're not. They're going to grumble, but they're still going to love you and respect you.

So, yeah, that's true. So I'm just going to close the chat now and I just have two, three very quick questions. So you've written so many books, you've authored so many books. So I just want to ask you, like if you were to recommend one book out of all the books that you've authored, which you feel that everybody watching this should read, what book would that be?

I would say if you're looking at alternative education, I would say unschooling to university. That's, that's the education one. And also a lot is on the blog, the blog unschoolingtouniversity.com for parenting. I would say this is my current favorite because it covers development from ages, so brain development from ages 0 to 20. It covers temperament, covers how to keep calm, and it covers problem solving and non punitive discipline. And it's quick, it's a super quick read. So I would say can you give.

Us the name Judy so then people can just notice?

This is parenting with patience.

Parenting with patience, right?

Yeah, a great quick little parenting. And then if you're worried about education.

This one, I have the names. If anybody wants it, you can send me a direct message and I'll share the names with you. And the last question, like if you want to give one message to all the parents watching this and parents will be watching this later, what is that one message that you have for all.

Of them, I would say you know your child best and you have everything you need to parent that child fabulously. They will love you. You're gonna look forward to great times when they're older and they're adults. I'm loving the stage of parenting of adults. And don't worry about making mistakes. We all make mistakes. Luckily, after age 12, the kids don't remember all those mistakes you made in the early years. So you're doing fabulous. Fabulous. And if you have questions, feel free to email me too. I'm at J A R N A ll.

Just mention that in the comments so then they can just get it. So I'll mention your email, blogs and your books, everything in the description. So, guys, you must. You make use of all the information that you have and it's when. Judy, thank you so much for being so patient and answering all the questions so beautifully. It was amazing. Learned so much. I have, like, a lot of notes which I still have to organize. It was amazing, amazing having you and thank you so much. Yes, thank you so much. Yes. All right, so I'm going to end this and then I'll save it and I'll share the link with you once I. Yes. All right.

Thank you so much and thanks for your patience with technology. I'm used to Facebook Live, but this was learning for me.

This is amazing. I'm glad that this is your first Instagram Live. And yes, it's so amazing. Thank you so much. And thank you, everybody, for joining and asking so many questions. I hope we've answered all of them. If we've left a few, we'll probably do it later. We've. I tried to take as many as I could. This is more than I expected. It was supposed to be 45 minutes exceeded an hour. So thank you so much. Judy, I'm just gonna end this and you can. There's a cross, so you can just exit the.

Okay, thanks.

All right, bye.