The Pressure No One Could See | Supermom Spotlight Ramani | Riddhi Deorah

And you can share. And Ramini is also one of our special spotlights, so you can put SS in the chat box for special spotlight for Ramini.

Thank you, Riddhi. Thank you so much. Hi everyone. So, um, I don't know, I'll share my screen. Is it visible?

Yes.

Okay. So thank you so much, Riddhi. When Kinjal asked me if I could share if there is a breakthrough in this area, I was like, yes, I have been dying to share this. So I just wanted to tell a small context about this. The pressure that I have been building within myself, even without my own realization. I'll stop sharing, is that okay? Because I can't see anyone.

Yes, yes, yes, you can do it without the PPT.

Okay, yes. So, um, I took a lot of pressure ever since, uh, I'll tell you the story. How did it start? So, um, I was not a very good student. I was below average student. I'll be honest with it because I have seen you being very honest with us. So until 7th class, I was very below average student. But one day I heard my parents talking like, you know, I don't know why she's not studying. She's very smart. They were never pushy. They were not blaming, or, you know, hitting, no shouting and all. But I heard them conversating this. She's very smart. Why don't she make an effort? And that was my first turning point. Then I said, okay. I'm really smart, maybe I should start studying. I'm not putting any effort. So that's it. And I, I didn't go to the class topper and all, but my grades have definitely improved. And I got a decent job, I started working and all, and then I get married. My husband is on the other extreme. He has done his master's from the US, and he has been working for Amazon by the time we got married, in a very good position with a very good high salary. And now I keep hearing my husband saying this. My mother-in-law, his mother, he used to say this. My mother, even though she didn't know what we were studying exactly, like especially math, physics for the higher classes, she was making sure she was sitting with us with a scale in her hand for the study hour. Hadn't— if she hadn't done that, hadn't be a— if she was not a homemaker, maybe my brother and I wouldn't have reach to this position in life. So that was my first pressure point. Even before I realized, I thought, okay, even before I planned my child, even before I don't know how many kids I'll have, I was like, okay, I want my son to be like my husband. I mean, my child like to be my husband, and I'm going to be a homemaker. Look at the mindset I developed for myself. And then, um, Riddhi Deorah. Riddhi was born. I, of course, I became a homemaker after that, and this constant pressure was there. I have to make him like my husband. Nowhere in the picture I believed that I'm also smart or intelligent. I forgot this. And that's how the first pressure started. And then—

Mm-hmm.

Um, we put him for a play school when he was 1.5 years. The first block was the parent-teacher meeting, when they have given a chart where they had some parameters to be ticked off, and Riddhi didn't meet like most of the parameters because he was not talking yet. He was 1.5 years. So that was like, so I started doubting myself. I'm doing something wrong. Maybe he picked up my genes. Maybe he's not smart enough. How can I make him more intelligent? And 2.5 years, 2.8 years, he was still not talking. There was a speech delay. I had to, I mean, he was singing all the rhymes. He was humming, he was pointing, but he was not asking, he was not communicating. And then I had to take him for speech therapy, where it started working. In 3-4 months, he started talking, but it was only in words. So if you ask him, what is your name? Instead of saying, my name is Riddhi Deorah, he would say, I'm Vidip. Sorry, Vidip. And then we put him into a Montessori school because during the therapy, we were also told that he has ADHD. I don't know what came into my mind. I was like, I will not believe this. Just because a child doesn't sit in a place, you can't label him anything. So I'll not accept this. But inside me, that is there. It's been anchored already. So if he doesn't sit, okay, maybe he has ADHD. If he doesn't understand, okay, maybe he's not able to focus. So Montessori school we put him because we know he will not be able to sit in a regular school and The teacher added more weightage to my pressure. She was always focusing on the areas of strength rather than telling him what were his strengths always. So in a meeting, I was telling her, this is not my son, this is not how you can tell, you have to focus on his strengths. But once I reach home, you won't believe, Riddhi, he was just 3.4 months or 3.5 months, I started shouting on him. I'm like, what is wrong with you? Why can't you frame sentences? Why can't you listen? Why can't you sit? That, that kept on increasing. It never came back. It just kept on accelerating. And then the lockdown happened. Of course, in the lockdown, I had visibility of children in the online classes. Everybody is raising their hands. Everybody's answering. Everybody— this, this guy was lost in his own world. I'm like, why would you not answer? I used to put him on mute and I used to shout on him. Why can't you answer? You know this answer, you have to answer. Every alphabet he used to write, he used— now he built something in his head saying, I have to make Mama happy, because that is the only way he wanted, because he was spending most of the time seeing me at home and I was always this Angry Birds, shouting on him, especially for studies. He does 20 minutes of play, I was making him sit for 1 hour of writing. Can you imagine a 3-and-a-half-year child who didn't even know how to hold a pencil? I was shouting on him, and every letter he writes, he used to look at me and he was like asking, "Mama happy?" Then again, second letter, then again, "Happy?" I didn't realize what I was doing to him then. Now that I look back, I didn't know. I didn't know what I was doing because I had this pressure. It's not a story I have heard. I'm seeing my husband every day. And every time there is an opportunity, it's not that he wanted to make me feel like this, but he used to say this, because my mother sacrificed, I could attain this. Now because my mother was a working mother, maybe I I couldn't attend. So this was the wrong dots I connected in the first place. And then lockdown happened, and then the school reopened. Fortunately, the teacher changed in the same Montessori school, and then things slowly kept changing. I was little okay. And then we moved to Gurgaon. Gurgaon, I was now scared because Montessori school, there were only 11 students in the class. Now here there are 25 students in the class, and they have to sit for at least some 20-25 minutes in a class. I was very scared to send him to school on the day one, but school has been a blessing in disguise. I think God was kind for my son, not for me. Maybe he deserved a better breakthrough, so that school has given a complete new picture of my son, and he started enjoying going to school. So I remember the conversation with the teacher, uh, do you think he has less focus? Do you think he has to repeat class 1 again? And all she said, No. Ma'am, we don't measure, you know, intelligence on how they pick. Every student is unique. So the quicker you understand about this, it will be easier for you. Forget about the child. That was my backbone, but I didn't follow it. I was like, teachers, they will say the same thing, but I know what pressure I have at my home seeing my husband. And then I— yeah, that was the breakthrough. So, and then one day I scrolled through the Instagram. I come across your webinar. I have signed up twice, but I couldn't attend. So third time I've made up my mind, I have to join this class, and I've joined. And we were added to one WhatsApp group. And we were asked, the group is open, you have to answer the questions. What is your problem area? I heard mothers saying, my child is throwing tantrums, my child is having screen problem, my child doesn't eat food. I'm like, I don't have any of these problems. I go and I say my husband, it's very visible, it's very clear, I am the problem here. He is a wonderful child. Now what do I do? And he being he, he supported, he acknowledged, he said— Can I have a sweet time?

Yes.

Hey, wait, wait, wait. So he said, I think you are doing a wonderful job as a mother. That felt like a slap on my face. I have been shouting, I have been pressurizing him for studies, and you say I've been doing great. I don't think he is doing out of love or something. He's doing out of fear. It's very clear. And then the initial 1-2 weeks, I remember 2-3 mothers have been asking the same questions, and you told them, don't ever pressurize children for studies, because in the process of marks, in the process of chasing marks, you're losing the connection with your child, which you cannot build later. Yes. That was a very, very big bulb on for me. And of course I've taken Platinum in 2 weeks because you didn't let us to come, didn't let us to come in bit for 2 weeks. That was a showcase. And then, uh, so many, so much of learnings had happened. Grade 4. See, I, I have joined Platinum almost when Grade 3 was over. Grade 3 exams have started. Uh, I of course had the pressure, but I kept consciously telling me that I'm okay if he's not studying well, I'm okay if he's making efforts, I'm not focusing on the grades and all. But Grade 4 has been a complete, um, new thing for me. I have been in the community, if you can see me, I, I am there for all the live calls.

Yes.

And this is the call, this is the time where children and husbands are at home for most of us, but I've made up my mind because you told us If children see you learning, you don't have to teach them, they mirror you. And that's what he used to do. He used to come and sit with his homework next to me during the calls. And grade 4, one major thing happened. One of the exams, one of the UT exams, he came, Hindi paper, left. He left the paper. He attended only one-fourth of the question paper and he left. So when I went to pick him up, he said— Riddhi Deorah. Mama, I have to tell something. I said, yeah, tell me, what is it? He said, I was distracted, I was lost with one question, and I didn't realize the time was up. I didn't answer the paper. A, I have— I saw the confidence in him, the way he came and told me it. Had it been the previous one, he would have been definitely scared to tell me. B, I was very proud of myself. I took it very well. Wow. Because a child who did very well constantly in grade 3, if he did something wrong, and I know how much effort he has put in for, and I was like, that's okay, things happen, but this is a learning, let's focus. The teacher who complained in first unit test, Riddhi Deorah needs more focusing, Riddhi Deorah has to work, he has to be responsible, he is irresponsible, the same teacher at the parent-teacher meeting by end of the year, By the way, he got A's, straight A's in all the subjects including Hindi.

Wow!

And the same teacher who told Riddhi Deorah is irresponsible, Riddhi Deorah needs focus, he has to complete his work, the same teacher told only one thing, "Ma'am, I don't know what you have done as a mother, 'But Vidhi is very different. Vidhi is very different, not just academically, but he is just different. He doesn't use any wrong language, not even a single word he uses wrong. He is always kind and compassionate. He sees a different picture what no other child can see. I don't know what you're doing, but kudos to you and your husband.' Then my husband said, 'My wife has been learning parenting. She is aspiring to be a coach now.' And that was the first time ever he also told that my wife is learning parenting and she's aspiring. So this is the thing, my major breakthrough, Riddhi. I, and I will have to tell you this one. Masterclass. Yes, I mentioned about masterclass. Now I don't operate from the place of fear. Now I trust my child. I understood that he doesn't have to be exactly like my husband doing a job at a good company. Maybe he is gifted, he is talented in his own way. All I have to do is nurture him, trust him, and be there for him. And we have to be his anchor. And, uh, why EPH? Why do you think every mother needs a community like EPH? We have been raised in a certain way. We have been seeing our parents, our aunts, our— they have raised in certain way and we are seeing things are different now. So we don't know where are we going. We need someone to teach us, and parenting is a skill that you have to learn. And most of us have this childhood traumas because of the experiences we were brought up, and definitely we don't want to bring up our children in that way. So if someone is saying, I'll learn parenting— parenting is something you have to learn, it's not we are born with. Because I could feel it. I thought it will naturally come to me, but nothing came to me. Only shouting. I was only shouting. I was not doing anything. Only shouting came to me all the time. So we are stuck. We need someone to hold us, to teach us, help us unlearn what we have been seeing and relearn what we have to actually do as parents. So that is why a community like this, a mentor like you, is much, much needed for all of us. whole life. And EPH gave me a lot of awareness about me, about my relationship, about my child. You name it, I have it. It's a story for another day. It gave me a lot of emotional support. I didn't feel even for a second that I'm the only one going through. Always I'm like, why me? Why am I going through this? But I realized I am not the only one. There are mothers who are going through, but there are mothers who are also coming out of it. So there is a way to come out of it. So that EPH became my anchor. And, um, I'll not answer this question: can you imagine life without EPH? It's an invalid question. I think you should remove that question. It's an invalid question. No answer I have for that.

Ask Injur. She has framed it. Give the feedback to Kinjal. For me, it is very new what you guys are sharing.

No question. It's an invalid question. I don't accept that question. So major breakthroughs— I was very poor at decision-making. I don't know if you can believe this or not. I, I go— I used to go to my husband and ask him, should I cook this? Should I wear this? Does this look good on me? But now I'm taking decisions so confidently, right from the leadership to this one. He was like, my husband was like, why will you take leadership? You'll have to give a lot of time. I said, I've decided, I'll deal with it. I will learn today. You don't tell me now. I've decided I will learn from my decisions. Now stop handholding me anymore further. And, uh, time, the major breakthrough is time and life management. I thought I'm a homemaker, I don't have time for learning but I finished Gold courses then I joined Platinum and I was able to watch my courses, I was able to learn and that took leadership journey so far it's been 9 months from leader to captain now to Super Coach. It wasn't— it all here! My husband was getting panicked how will you manage? How will you manage? Vidhip has come out with A grades in his class and that itself speaks everything how could I manage everything? So, 3 things I like about you. Your surrender to your mentors. If I am able to do whatever you tell without asking— Riddhi said I have to do this, no questions asked. Will this work? Will this not work? Should I do? Should I not do? Can I do? No questions. Riddhi mentioned, I'll do it. And my husband envies that. You should surrender to me also, he says. I'm like— I'm like, no, one mentor, and I surrendered to her. So I love— I learned that surrender to mentor from you and your commitment. Show up. You say, like, you know, you travel, you show up. You are on vacation, you show up. You're not— you're not well, you show up. I don't know how do you show up the same energy. I, I'm not joking. I haven't seen you even yawning even a single call for last 1.5 years, with the same energy from the first minute to the last minute. The same intensity, the same interest, the same love for all of us. And the third one— there are so many, it was difficult for me to pick— the confidence you show in us. I don't know how and in which way you can see that confidence in us. There are days as mothers, we are in this community because we lost that confidence in ourselves that I can do something, I can be something in life. Yes. So when you say, 'You can do, you can do, you can do,' I don't know. I just— I have no words, Riddhi. Thank you, thank you so much for the thing you have been doing, for the confidence you have been building. You have no idea from where to where I have come. I might be laughing, I might be giggling, but inside I know I was like a ghost in my own home. But today I myself see that visible difference because the confidence you showed in us. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you so much, Ramini. Love you. And yes, I think with it, you know, like, you know, I think I see a lot of shift in him as well. Like, especially when I meet him for the calls, like last call he shared, he's changed his name also, I think on Zoom, some different name.

So when spotlighted.

He's like, I'm sure you know my name. I was like, yeah. So I see a lot of difference in him. He used to have a lot of questions about you, your husband. Uh, for the last so many months, I've not seen him ask me any questions related to parents and him not feel— and being bullied. He also had questions of not being able to make friends, being bullied. I don't see him asking any such questions, and I can actually see, like, you know, like the teacher mentioned in school, as a mentor, even I notice those shifts in him. He's always smiling, and he's, you know, when we do the, we play a video and you have to do your share, what you learned. So he had a very unique share on that video also. So I think the teacher rightly mentioned that, you know, he has a very different way of looking at the same thing as compared to how other children would look at it. So well done, Ramini. I think he's going to beat your husband. One second, you unmute.

If not, uh, EPH, I, I would have been the same mother connecting the same wrong dots. I would have compromised on my dreams of doing something in, you know, with it You gave that purpose. And he is my AK guy. I found my purpose. No matter what, I'll show up for this. I'll show up for you, for the trust you have in us. And for this, I would like to thank Viddhi. If not he, I don't think I would have come into this community and would have met such wonderful mothers and such wonderful mentor. So thanks to my son and thanks to you.

Yes, thank you, Ramini. And yes, what to say? I'm like out of words now. I have to stop crying, otherwise I am always crying. You know, my husband is like, you're teaching them to cry or what are you doing? These are emotions we are releasing. You don't have to be hurt. Amazing, love it. Let's put A for amazing for Ramini. He actually asked me that, "Why are mothers paying you to cry?" I was like— He's like, "Mujhe doa prulani ke liye mana karte ho." I was like, "This is called healing. You will not understand." Amazing. How many of you are feeling super, super inspired? I just feel that this space is for everybody. For all of us, the journey will be very different. For Timzi, it was different from what Ramani is experiencing. For Sabhya, it was different. For all of us. How many of you understand? Because we come with our own baggage, we come with a different lifestyle, we come— belong to different families, we are doing different things. Some of us are homemakers, some of us are business owners, some of us are full-time employees, some of us are working from home, some of us are working with the government. So all of us are doing different things, so the journey has to be unique for all of us. And that's the beauty. And what I love about this, it's very simple. There is no drama in this space. You don't have to— and it's so easy. How many of you think it's easy? Like, I think thanks to technology, you know, otherwise it would have