3 Steps For Better Communication

Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. Today we're going to be talking about communication. I'm going to give you three step process to be a better communicator. I'm going to teach you probably the most important skill that you can have for deepening your connection to other people. And part of that key is love, but it's not the love that you're actually thinking of. And so we've all heard it. When you think about it, communication is the number one key for any relationship. It really is actually communicating with somebody openly, honestly. But more than just communicating is also listening. It's like that phrase, you were given two ears and one mouth because you should be listening twice as much as you speak. But if it's the number one key to relationships, it's the number one key to your romantic relationships, to your friendships, to your family, to your children, any other breathing human. So if they can fog a cup because they're breathing, this will deepen your connection with them, which is really one of the most beautiful parts of the human experience is being able to have a deep connection with another human. And I truly believe that one of the reasons why so many relationships fail is because lack of open, honest communication between both parties of people in that relationship. And so the problem with that, though, is that we're not really taught how to communicate with people. Sure, you can go and you can learn how to be a public speaker, but being a public speaker is not going to make you better at communicating with your wife. And. And so the problem is we're not really taught that. And to be honest with you, most of our parents are not really great communicators. Some of them are, but most of them are not, because it's not something that's really taught. It's not something that you're born with either. It's a skill set. And human connection is amazing. So why don't we at least try to get better at it? So let's dive into it. Let's start to talk about it. The way that I see communication, as I just mentioned just a second ago, is communication is, is a skill. It is not something like, oh, I'm just not a great communicator. I wasn't born with it. No, it's not a talent. It takes practice. For me, I have gotten much better at communicating once I realized how terrible of a communicator I was. In my family, we weren't great communicators. We didn't talk about things as much. We didn't talk about emotions. And so as I got older and I started having relationships, and I started whether those were relationships with, you know, other women or having a relationship with people who are working in the office that I was running, I've realized that if I want to grow as a person, grow in my romantic relationships, but also grow as a business and a leader, communication is something I really need to master, I need to get better at. And I was a terrible communicator, but now I feel like it's something I really have a grasp on and I really understand deep communication with another human. And so what we're going to be talking about is the three steps, the three keys to communication with someone else. And this is actually created by Carol Kumpfer, who is a PhD, and it's an acronym, and the acronym is LUV. So when I reference and I said it's about love, it's not L O V E. It's actually an acronym that is L U V E. I'm sorry, L U V. It's 3L U V. And so we'll go through each one of them. The L stands for listen. And this is a really important part to listen with. No need to respond with your opinions or your input in any sort of way. Because empathetic presence is the act of being fully present with another person, not just physically, but also emotionally and mentally as well. I think that listening is a skill set once again, another skill set that we really need to try to get better at. It means setting aside your own thoughts, setting aside your judgments, setting aside your beliefs that were possibly ingrained into you by your parents or your religion or whatever it might be, setting aside those. Setting aside the distractions and. And be entirely with the other person. One of the things that you start to learn as you start to become more of a leader and work in leadership positions and especially as a coach in the industry that I'm in, is the act of holding space for somebody. Holding space for someone to actively speak whatever is on their mind without any judgment, but in a state of love where they can say whatever it is that they want and to feel like, you know what? I feel safe. Like, don't we all want someone to look at us and say, I feel safe in the presence of them so that I can fully express exactly what's going on and not feel like I have to hold back. We all want to create that feeling for other people, but how often do we throw our beliefs and judgments on top of Somebody when they're communicating and then they don't feel safe actually communicating with us. And so it's about listening and getting better at listening. You know, in the really fast paced world that we live in, distractions are everywhere as well. And so being fully present with someone shows that you value them, it shows that you respect them. And so it's about eye contact, it's about communication, which we'll talk about as well. But also, just put your damn phone away. Like, it bugs me when I go to, when I go to dinner and I see people on their phones at dinner. I'm like, could you just put it away for a little while? Like, I understand sometimes there's emergencies and stuff, but can we at least be present with somebody? If you go to a coffee shop with a friend and you have your phone, you could leave it on the counter or you could leave it in your purse. Whichever one you want, you could put in your pocket, you could put it on, on the seat next to you. So that, therefore there are no distractions. So that the thing that it subconsciously communicates to the other person that I'm here, I'm listening, I'm present with you. Nothing else in this world matters at this point. And so being fully present with that person, with someone shows that you value them, it shows that you respect them. And what it really does is it creates a safe space for the other person to feel seen and to feel heard. And I don't know about you, but I really want to try to master the art of making somebody feel like being in the presence of me and be able to tell me whatever the fuck they want to tell me is a safe space without my judgment, without my opinions, without my beliefs, any of that. You can tell me whatever it is and I won't judge you. That is a state of love. That's a state of unconditional love, which is a state that we all want to try to be in. We all want to try to portray, which it's really hard to get into that, but sometimes it requires us just listening, just being with that person, not judging them. And to put away all of the distractions like phones, computers, other devices, make eye contact with them, head, you know, head nods, and show that you're with the person every step of the way. The most value that you can give someone in a conversation, you may have never heard this before. The most value you can give someone in a conversation is not tips on how to get better, it's not trying to fix them. The most value that you can give someone in conversation is silence. Interesting, right? You ever thought of that one? Silence. I don't know if you've ever been in a conversation with somebody and they're just a freaking talker, and they talk and talk and talk and talk, and they're talking about themselves, they're talking about themselves. And you rarely say any words. You barely say anything. And at the end they're like, that was such a good conversation. And you're like, I didn't say anything. What you did was you gave them space. And a lot of times, people just don't have space. They don't feel like they have a safe space to be seen and heard. And so it's about listening to them without judgments. And as a guy, as a guy, me as a guy who wants to fix things, and me also as a coach who knows how to help people fix things. It can be really hard not to try to fix someone, but it really comes down to allowing them to express and make them feel seen and heard without. Oh, man, if I say this to Rob, is he going to try to fix me? Don't try to fix. Read the book. If men and women should read the book, Men are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, because it talks about communication styles and how we're both so different, which I'll talk about in just a few minutes as well. But listening is really a skill, and there are differences between way men. You know, I don't want to vastly overgeneralize, which I'm going to, but men and women tend to communicate differently than each other. And so, you know, sometimes I'll give you a really good example. And I did this on a podcast episode a few months ago where I was talking about the difference between little boys and little girls. They've done studies on little boys and little girls, and they found that when they had them in a school room, they were inside of it, and they were at their desks, and they were watching them through, you know, a wall that was actually just a mirror, and they were watching little boys and little girls communicate. What they found was the majority of the time, little boys would communicate by sitting in the desk facing the front when the teacher wasn't there facing the front, shoulder to shoulder, talking while looking in the same direction. But what was interesting is that little girls, they actually turn towards each other. So they would turn their chairs completely and square up their shoulders. And then, you know, we're going to talk about in a second, which is how to actually verbally and physically communicate that you're listening. But a lot of times little boys don't give verbal and physical cues that they're listening. Little girls tend to be really good with head nods. They tend to be good with saying, uh huh, okay, talking back. And so it's a lot of times when like men, you know, you may have been with your wife before, your girlfriend before, and she's like, you're not listening to me. And you're like, what are you talking about? I just heard everything that she said. It might be that they don't feel like you're listening because they're not getting the verbal and the, the verbal and physical cues from you. And so it's about just understanding how each person communicates and trying to get onto their level of communication because we really want them to feel like they can talk and say what they need to say. And then the last tip I'll give you under listening is really interesting. My very first coach that I had when I was 19 recommended trying this, and it's pretty insane, is when someone stops, you don't have to do this all the time, but when someone stops and you feel like they're really big into saying something, or they're really deep or they're about to go deeper, allow 3 seconds of silence before you respond. What's really interesting is that a lot of times we listen to somebody and then immediately we say what we want to say, which shows that we weren't even listening fully in the first place because we were so busy talking about what we wanted, like thinking about what we wanted to talk about. But when you allow the space, what usually happens is the person will start talking again. And what that shows is that they start going deeper and they give you more details of the situation, they give you more of what they're feeling or more details the story. And so just try to listen and don't try to respond for another three seconds. So as soon as someone stops talking, 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, then you can talk. And that gives you the space to be able to do it. So the first part of communication is L, which is listen. Okay? So the next part is you, which is understand. While we can convey that we're understanding what someone's saying through words, we can also convey that we understand what they're saying. But we're also listening through nonverbal cues like body language, tone, facial expressions. All of those often carry the emotional weight of the conversation for the person to feel like we're also listening to them as well. And so there's verbal and there's nonverbal. And I remember when I was, when I was little, not really little, but I guess when I was younger, my manager at the time was really good at developing people. And even though there were women in the company that I was in and there were women managers, he was the number one developer of female leaders. And I was like, jeff, what are you doing? Like, what's the difference? And he's like, what I try to do is I try to tailor my communication style based off of who's sitting in front of me. I try to tailor it to them. I try to listen the way that they want me to listen to them. I try to give them verbal and nonverbal cues that I'm listening to them. And sometimes with males who are overly aggressive or more masculine, I communicate in a completely different way. Sometimes when I'm with females who have happened to be very feminine, I communicated in a completely different way because he wanted to be. The way he explained to me is he wanted to be a communication chameleon. He wanted to be able to go to any type of person and he was so damn good at communicating. He wanted to go to any person and make them feel like they were seen, they were heard, and that he could communicate with them on their level. And so a lot of times it's not about being a chameleon. It's about like, I'm going to talk the way that I want to talk and I'm going to be the way that I want to be. Really what it comes down to is, can we change around a little bit to make people feel like we're on their same level? And it comes down to head nods. It comes down to squaring up your shoulders. It comes down to verbal cues, like, uh huh, yeah. It comes down to reflecting back. Sometimes what we notice that they're saying to us. It could be facial expressions with the reflecting back. It could be repeating back to them to make them know that you're listening to them and understanding. And it's not about being a parrot and just saying what they just said, but it's like, oh, okay, so what you're saying is. Or okay, so if I understand this correctly and you kind of go into that and allow them to be like, oh man, this person's fully listening to me. Now, mind you, when I say men can communicate this way, women communicate this way, once again, that is a generalization. There's very large spectrums of the way people communicate. It's more of like the masculine energy and the feminine energy. Doesn't necessarily mean men and doesn't necessarily mean women. I have a really good friend who is a male, but he communicates in more of what they call, quote unquote, feminine way. And he's also really, really, really good at communicating with women and making them feel safe. But he's also really good when he needs to, of turning himself also into a chameleon and speaking to men the way that men speak or, you know, masculine way of speaking. And so it's. It's not about just men and women. I don't always want it to be that way. It's more of like, there's masculine ways of being, there's feminine ways of being, and all of us have those aspects in us, but we just tend to communicate more of a masculine way, more of a feminine way. And once you start to understand the way that it is, you can start to reflect back to people so that they feel like you're listening to them, so they know that you're listening. So once again, that's the head nods. That's the aha. That's the eye contact, that's the body language. All of these show that you're listening to them and show that you're present. But more than anything else, what I think is the most important thing. It makes the person feel seen and makes the person feel heard. One of the things that I've realized and learned over the past couple years is that so many people in this world are just starving for someone to hear them, to make them feel seen, to make them feel heard, to make them feel like they're understood, and more than anything else, to make them feel like their emotions are valid. Because all too often people will say something that is the truth to them, and then they completely get invalidated by somebody else's opinion or someone else's belief. So it's important for us to try to build the skill set of making people feel seen and making people feel like their emotions are valid, which then go into the V, which is validate. The validate side of it is, oh, I completely understand. Tell me more about that. Oh, you know what? I completely see where you're coming from. Because you have to realize that everybody is looking through the world through their own specific lens, based off of their childhood, based off of their upbringing. If you had the exact same body as them, you were born into the exact same circumstances, and every single instance of your life was the same as theirs, you would be exactly the same way that they are. And you have to understand that they are Perceiving the way they're perceiving the world based off of the way that they've been raised and everything that's ever happened to them, which means that perception is reality. They are living in a reality based off of how they are perceiving it. So by validating someone else's feelings or experiences, it doesn't mean that you're necessarily agreeing with them. That's the important thing. You could have judgments and beliefs that are completely opposite of somebody, but you can also validate their feelings or experiences at the same time. It doesn't necessarily mean that you're agreeing with them, but it acknowledges that the other person's perspective is. Is legitimate and that you can understand where they're coming from. And part of the validation is, stop trying to fix everyone. I have done this before where I was like, I'm Mr. Fix It. Lots of guys do this in relationships with women, where it's like, oh, you're crying about this. Let's fix this thing. And it's more about, like, sometimes people. Sometimes people do want something fixed. Sometimes they just want to be validated. And it really comes down to a really great question that can help you out with. This is, you know, and this has really helped me out in my relationship. If my wife comes up to me and she's going through some things, I can. I immediately, as being a coach for 17 years, can go, oh, I see exactly what the problem is. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you this so you can fix it. Sometimes that's what she wants, sometimes she doesn't. So I can ask this question whenever she comes and expresses something, as I say, hey, listen, do you want my help with this, or do you just want a hug? And it shows in that moment, like, okay, I do actually want someone to bounce ideas off of. Or, you know what, I'm just coming to vent and express. And I just want you to see and hear me and don't try to fix me. And so, you know, stop trying to be the savior. It's called the savior complex. I'm going to fix every single person. You know, men and women, many of us have the savior complex. So is it that you want to be, you know, you want my help in this situation, or do you want to hug? And it allows you to kind of figure out where they are. Another thing that really helps with validation is ask questions to them. If you see that and you see someone's going through something to help them validate their experiences, ask them questions to deeper understand them. What Else are they going through? What else is going on? Tell me more about that. You know, you can start to allow them to go deeper, ask questions, to allow them to come out and actually start to see what's going on. And sometimes we want to fix somebody, but sometimes we can help somebody find their own solutions by asking questions. Helping somebody grow is not necessarily about taking away their pain, but sometimes about helping them suffer less. You know, pain is going to happen. That is part of being a human. Suffering is taking the pain and pulling it with you into the future, into the future. So it's like, you know, if your friend was dumped seven months ago and she's still suffering from that breakup, that's not pain anymore, that's suffering. She's pulling the breakup with her into the present moment. And so really what it comes down to is we can start out instead of saying, hey, this is your problem. Why don't you ask some questions around it? Hey, what do you think of when you think that? What do you feel is holding you back in this? Is there a reason why you feel like you haven't gotten past this yet? Are you taking some time for yourself each morning to, like, fill your cup? Work on your own reading or personal development or self love? Instead of saying, hey, you should work out more, you should wake up, you should meditate. It's like, hey, are you, are you working on yourself? Are you giving yourself space to learn and grow? Have you been meditating and just kind of see if they can make their own connections? Because if you could tell somebody something and give them advice, or you could ask them questions, when you ask them questions and they come to their own actual solution, they're 10 times more likely to remember it simply because their brain had to create new neural pathways to get there. But once again, even if you don't agree with them, you still need to make sure that you try to validate them. They did the best. Every single person is doing the best with what they had, even if they did terrible. And so it's about bringing that compassion, that understanding as well, because we all just want to be understood. And so really what it comes down to is I did an episode a few weeks ago on how to be a better communicator. If you want to know how to speak better, go back and listen to that one. But really, this side is how to become a better listener to understand somebody, to validate them, to make them feel loved. L O V E D so that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories and tag me in it. Robdial Jr R O B D I A L J R and if you want to go ahead and order my book, my book Level up if you want to get it, it's how to stop procrastinating, how to get focused, how to upgrade your life. Go to robdial.com book that is 17 years of my knowledge of helping myself but also helping other people and put into a book on how to take action to create the life that you want. It is not a self development book. It is a step by step process of how to actually get your shit together and create the life that you want. So once again if you want it, it is called level up and you can go to Amazon, you can type in Rob dial Level up or you can just go to robdile.com book and you can get it there. All of the sources to buy it are there. So with that I'm going to leave you the same way leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.