ANYONE can be mentally tough. It's easy.

Everybody thinks that they're mentally tough until their entire plan falls apart, until their emotions and their fears and their worries hijack their brain and nothing is working the way that it's supposed to. But that's when most people either shut down, numb out, or start blaming everybody else. But real mental toughness isn't how long you can pretend like you're fine when everything's on fire. It's really how fast you recover when life punches you in the mouth. And you don't build that mental toughness in the easy seasons of your life. You build it in the middle of the storms, when quitting is way easier than fighting through and when self doubt and fears are just screaming at you louder than your ambition is. And so today I want to talk to you about how to actually become more mentally strong and how to train your emotional recovery system and become somebody who actually grows under pressure and not somebody who crumbles under it. When you look at mental toughness, let's talk about what it is. First off, right? I want to get something straight with you. Mental toughness is not about not feeling things. It's not about acting like you don't have feelings or fears or emotions. It's not about shoving your emotions in the closet, locking the door, and then just white knuckling your way through life. It's about building your own internal capacity to sit with discomfort, to make decisions under intense pressure, and to learn how to actually take forward steps even when you're swimming in fears and limiting beliefs. And so I want to dive into that real mental toughness with you today and talk about how to train it and why it's the opposite of what we've probably been taught. So let's talk about a whole reframe as we dive into it, right? Mental toughness, as we're going to talk about today, is not emotionlessness. It's more than anything else, it's actually almost like a mastery of emotions. It's this emotional fluency. Like if I were to put a visual to it, it's kind of like being a skilled surfer that can ride any wave. And like you don't become a skilled surfer from saying no to the big waves and just staying on the little ones, right? And that wave that I'm talking about is, is, is feelings and emotions and fears and limiting beliefs. It's like, hey, no matter what comes at me, I'm going to ride this wave. I'm not going to get bashed underwater and held underwater by it. I'm going to learn how to Ride this wave. And so it's definitely not suppression of emotions. If you suppress or ignore or bulldoze over your emotions long enough, your body will keep the score, literally. Like, there was a study in 1997 that was in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by James Pennebaker and found that suppressing your emotions, especially negative emotions, actually increases your physiological stress markers. So things like elevated heart rate, cortisol levels, and Cortisol is your stress hormone, and it actually compromises your immune system as well. And so what does that mean? If you ignore your feelings long enough, it actually makes you weaker and more sick over time. And so mental toughness means emotional regulation. Like, what do I mean by that? Can you name what you're feeling without judgment? Like, can you stay in your body while feeling the discomfort rising inside of you? And we will be right back. Hey, I want to interrupt today's episode to tell you about my sponsor. It is me, myself, if you didn't know. I obviously have some coaching programs outside of the podcast to help you learn and grow and become a better version of yourself. Step by step programs and processes to help you become better in your life and. And create the life that you want. If you want to learn more about it, you can go to coachwithrob.com once again, coachwithrob.com check it out. And let's get back to the episode. Can you learn to pause yourself before you react when you really just want to explode? Like, this is the stuff that they don't teach you in school. And I'm like, why is this not taught to children? Probably because the people who are teaching it wouldn't be able to learn how to do it. They don't know how to do it either, Right? So it's like, this is way more important than trigonometry. Why are we not teaching this in school to children? And so what you want to do is you want to learn to master what I call the space between, like, this little tiny space between mental toughness grows in this space between stimulus and response. And one of my favorite quotes I've said probably hundreds of times on this podcast is from Viktor Frankl, who is a psychologist who lived through Nazi prison camps and he lived in Auschwitz. And he has an amazing book called Man's Search for Meaning. And he says, between stimulus and response, which means between something happening and you responding to it. So between stimulus and response, there's a space, and in that space is our power to choose our response. And in our response lies our growth and our Freedom. Let me just say that one more time, because it's such a powerful quote, right? Between stimulus and response, there's a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. And in our response lies our growth and our. Our freedom. That moment where life throws a punch and you choose to breathe instead of explode and going on an old pattern that's been with you since childhood. And so how do you practice this? Well, next time you feel like life is starting to spiral, which it does, right? You don't want life to become easier. You want to become stronger. And so next time you feel life starting to spiral, you just say this out loud to yourself. Just say, hey, this is a moment of stress. Stress is not meant to break me. It's meant to build me. And so you reframe the point of the stress in the moment. Right now, you give it a different perspective. Because a lot of times when we're stressed and life becomes too much, we just think, oh, my gosh, this is going to break me. It's going to be like this forever. But you need to reframe. In that moment, you say, no, this is meant to build me. I'm going to become stronger from this. And that language reminds your brain and also your nervous system as well, that you are training yourself, not that you're drowning, you're training yourself. You're building your strength and your capacity to hold and feel all feelings and emotions, not just react to them like most people do, right? And so what you're trying to do is you're trying to make yourself antifragile. And so if you've never heard this phrase of antifragility, there's basically different things in life. So let me explain them to you. Right? There's fragile. Fragile just basically means that something will break under stress or pressure. Like glass, for instance. There's resilient. And these are things that resist stress but stay the same. So, for instance, like rubber, if you want a visual, it resists stress, but it will actually stay the same. And then there is antifragile, which is something that gets stronger with stress. So a muscle is antifragile. It breaks down and then grows back stronger when it is stressed. Your immune system, it breaks down and then comes back stronger when it's stressed. And your mindset can do the exact same thing. And so this term was coined by Nassim Nicholas Taleb in his book called Antifragile. And your mind basically is like your muscles. It's antifragile by design, but it's only anti. It only actually works if you let it be stressed in the right way and then you actually recover from it in the right way. And so if you want to build yourself to be more antifragile, to grow from the things that are happening to you and become more mentally strong, you basically need four things. Okay? The first thing is you need safe exposure to challenges. And so you don't build mental strength by avoiding stress or by avoiding hard moments. You build it by leaning into the discomfort and knowing that you can still survive it. And so this can be. Life throws these things at you. But there's also a thing where you can actually go out, and I recommend that everybody do this, is start to train yourself to be in stressful situations. So you can start with, like, low stakes challenges with yourself. Cold showers, really good one, right? Honest conversations, like hard conversation with someone. Really good one. Trying something that makes you feel uncomfortable, like maybe you want to go do improv, and you're afraid of being in front of people and being on stage and having to react immediately. It's about putting yourself into places that make you uncomfortable in learning how to actually grow from them. You're training your system to stay calm under pressure. And so, like, if you look at cold showers or cold plunges, I did a cold plunge yesterday, and I did not want to do it. I've never wanted to do it. I've never enjoyed one. I just enjoy the feeling after and I enjoy the building of my mindset, right? And so I got in and I was freaking, like, my body, my body and my mind are freaking out. And it's like, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out. Right? But what I'm trying to train is I'm trying to train myself to find the stillness that's within me when every. When hitting the fan. And so my body's freaking out, my mind's freaking out. It's trying to get me out. And I kept saying to myself in my own head, find the stillness inside of you. Find the stillness inside of you. And so it's kind of like a hurricane, right? Everything's going nuts, but in the center of the hurricane, there's the eye of the storm, where everything is still. And so I'm basically reminding myself I'm trying to see everything freak out, but find the eye in the storm within myself. And so this is like what they call in psychology and physiology eustress, which is EU stress. It's positive cognitive responses to stress that's healthy and then gives you the feeling of fulfillment or other positive feelings. That's what eustress is. And so that's the first thing you want to do, is you want to be able to have safe exposure to challenges. The second thing that you want to do that's really important that most people don't do is they don't take time to integrate the lesson after. Right. Growth doesn't necessarily happen during the chaos. It happens after, when you have a moment of silence where you can pause and reflect and see what you got from it. Like, this is where most people want to just, like, brush it under the rug, move on, forget about it, act like whatever just happened didn't happen. If you do nothing, then you learned nothing and you gained nothing. And so in these moments are the opportunities for you to actually grow. Growth doesn't happen from listening to this podcast. Growth doesn't happen from reading a book or going to a conference. It happens when you realize that your life is your classroom, and that is when you actually start to step up and change. Like, you can get the knowledge from listening this. You can get the knowledge from going and reading a book, but the classroom and the actual practical application of what you learn is in life. And so after you have a hard moment, what did that moment teach me about myself? And you start to ask yourself these questions. You know, why? Why did I react that way? How can I make sure that I do better next time? And so you don't just move on. Like, you digest the experience so that it becomes part of, like, your internal toolkit. And this is really what integration is all about. Okay, so that's number two. Number three, a really good thing was to have would be a support system, right? And that support system, if it's. It could be a coach, it could be a friend, it could be, you know, significant other. It could be journaling, you know, in your own practice if you don't have anybody. But I would recommend somebody that can hold space and talk to you as you're working through hard things. Like, you can learn a lot from meditation. Yeah. You can learn a lot from journaling. Yes. But you can also learn a lot from a conversation with somebody about what happened. Because as you start to talk, you start to actually make new neural connections that you hadn't before. And someone can actually share their perspective, which can also make you change your perspective as well. And so that's number three. And number four is a reframe that turns pain into training or pain into meaning. So instead of asking yourself questions like, oh, why is this happening to me. And that makes you a victim. Ask yourself questions like, what is this preparing me for? How is this going to make me better? What can I learn from this? It's that shift that transforms your suffering into actual strength. And it transforms you from a victim in your life to a person's actually creating their life. And so this is basically called, you know, there's something in psychology, it's called stress inoculation theory. And this theory says, you know, exposing someone to manageable levels of stress and then teaching them how to respond actually builds long term resilience within them. And so if you want to get tougher, stop trying to avoid discomfort, start treating it like resistance training for your brain, for your mindset. There was a landmark study that was done in Annals of Behavior Medicine that found out that people who use cognitive reappraisal, which means reframing your thoughts after a stressful event recovered physiologically faster than those who didn't. And so thoughts can literally change your heart rate, your cortisol and inflammation. And so your mindset also determines your mental toughness. And so one of the most important questions that you can ask yourself when you're going through something that's hard is what meaning am I giving this? I would say life is 5% what happens to you and 95% the meaning that you give it. Like let's say that you get, you get fired from your job. You could say, oh, like the wrong meaning would be like, I'm worthless, I failed, I'm a loser. No one's ever going to want to hire me again, right? That's the wrong meaning that you're giving it. If you do that, then you're going to have a shame spiral, you're going to procrastinate, you're going to avoid stuff, you're going to fear trying to get another job, right? If you wanted to reframe that meaning and give yourself a better meaning, it could be like, this role has reached its expiration date. I didn't really want to be there anymore. Or this is a redirection towards something that's more aligned for me. Or I'm being given a window to finally pursue what I've been putting off, right? When that result that reframe, maybe you're more grounded, you're more curious. You can actually find something that you're passionate about, even though the comfort, discomfort is still there. You can actually look at it from a different perspective, right? Another example is like, let's say that you have a breakup or a divorce. The Wrong, meaning that you could give, that is, I'm not lovable or this always happens to me, or I wasted years of my life with this person. Which then makes you have like, what, low self worth, emotional shutdown, resentment, all of that. If you wanted to reframe that meaning and give it a different meaning, you could say something like the version of me in that relationship needed to evolve anyways. Like that relationship ended because I've outgrown it and that's okay. Right? Which is more emotional ownership, which allows you to heal and maybe have a higher standard when you're moving forward in your life. And so really what it comes down to is deciding to reframe it and then also just being radically honest with yourself. And so let's not sugarcoat it. Like the mentally strongest people in the world are the most honest with themselves, with everybody. Like they don't lie to themselves, they don't lie about their patterns, they don't blame others for their procrastination. They take full ownership for their own lives. Because self deception is like the mind killer. The number one weakness that destroys mental toughness isn't emotion, it's denial. And so you can't change what you're running from. So you've got to stop running from things. And so you've really got to actually start to bring these things and be honest. Like fully honest and transparent with yourself. Like what uncomfortable truth am I avoiding right now? Like, do I keep blaming other people for something that's actually my problem? Like where, where am I trying to be too busy because I'm afraid? You know, like what, what part of me still believes that I'm not good enough? Like being truly honest with yourself more than anything else. And if you do all of this, this is how you really start to build yourself into somebody who is mentally tough. The more mentally tough that you get, the more that you can handle anything else that comes for you later on in life. And so I want you to understand, like, you're not born mentally tough. You, you don't wake up mentally tough. It comes in these moments of choice. Who am I going to be? How am I going to act? What meaning am I going to give? This mental toughness is not just one little decision. It's a lifestyle where you're deciding to choose growing over comfort more than anything else. Hey, thanks so much for watching this video. Based off of what you have been watching recently, YouTube thinks this video is the best one for you right now. And if you want to make sure to never miss another video hit that subscribe button and I'll see you on the next video.