Mastering Self Love: The Secret You Need To Know

Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. Today we're going to be talking about self love and we're going to be diving into self love in a way that you've never thought of it before. I'm going to talk about what self love is, I'm going to be talking about what self love is not. And it will probably surprise you because most of the time we think of self love, it's like looking in the mirror and saying, I love myself, I love myself and I'm going to love myself no matter what. And you're beautiful and you're handsome and you're doing amazing. And don't get me wrong, that is self love and that is a very, very important part of self love. That's not really what we're gonna be talking about today. You know, people hear the word self love and they think that I need to love myself more and I need to speak better to myself. I need to, I need to be my best friend. I need to tell myself instead of saying, you know, you look terrible in those jeans, saying, hey, you look amazing in those jeans and telling myself, you know what, I'm an amazing mother, I'm doing a great job, I'm proud of myself, I need to give myself more, a little bit of a mental and verbal hug. And those are definitely important. But that's not. We're gonna be diving into today, I'm gonna dive into something completely different. Cause all of that is true, all of that is necessary. I do believe that you should talk to yourself in the mirror. One of the most life changing things that's happened to me when I was younger was we had, when I worked in a company when I was about 19 years old, 20 years old, we had a guy come in and speak to our sales group and he was talking about looking at yourself in the mirror, setting a timer for five minutes and saying, I love you, I love you. And like looking deep in your own eyes, not wearing any clothes right out of the shower, just completely naked as you are, as you were born into this earth and saying I love you. And I did that and it helped a lot. It helped me start to love myself more, start to believe in myself more. And that is very important. But we're gonna talk about a completely different version of it. And I wanna talk first about what self love is not because I see it getting, I guess you could say misconstrued to most people where you have a really tough day at work, you have A really long day. And you think to yourself, you know what would really make me feel better is having a glass of wine. And we try to trick ourselves and say, you know what? Self love right now is a glass of wine. And sure, sometimes it might be, but the majority of times if we have a really tough day at work or a really tough day and we come back, we have a glass of wine. A lot of times that's not self love. It can be, once again, I'm not saying don't enjoy a glass of wine, but a lot of times that actually tends to be numbing of our actual feelings. It's not. Self love is not going and getting fast food because you're hungry and you don't want to get hangry. Self love would be more of like stopping and getting an apple at the store instead and having that hold you off until you're able to get a real, actual legitimate meal, not something that's full of chemicals. Self love is not skipping the gym because you've had a hard day at work. And you know, you, you worked really hard today. Sometimes it might be, but the majority of time it's actually not. It's, it's showing up to the gym because you do love yourself. And it's not self love is not having a cigarette because you've had a stressful day. None of those things are really self love the majority of the time. A lot of the times what that is is self numbing and it's not going into and actually starting to go to the root of what's actually going on and solving the root problem. Because a lot of times we're trying to numb the feeling, we're trying to numb the stress, we're trying to numb the anxiety that we have because of the way that the world is and the way that our lives are. And once again, I'm not saying don't enjoy your life. I'm not in saying, you know, if you want to have a cigarette, I don't care, that's fine, have a cigarette if you want to, you know, have a glass of wine, have a glass of wine. If you did have a really good day, a really bad day, sometimes you gotta listen to your body and you do need to skip the gym. But the majority of the time it's not doing those things. A lot of the time those are actually the opposite of self love. Those are self numbing. You know, for instance, if we look at like the example of having a glass of wine for instance, after a really long stressful day you know, maybe the boss, he's just such an asshole, and he triggered you and he yelled at you, and your coworkers are like little shits and they're bugging you as well. That glass of wine. A lot of times, instead of actually dealing with, hey, why was I triggered by my boss? Why was I triggered by the people that I work with and my coworkers? Why was I triggered? A lot of times the feeling that we feel is like the downstream effect. It's like the symptom, but it's not the actual cause of it. And so for me, being in the industry that I'm in and trying to help people as much as I can, I always look and I say, if you were triggered, why were you triggered? If you like, you have to have a glass of wine after a long day of work because you want to take the edge off. The real question in my mind is, why is there an edge? Most adults were never taught how to self soothe. I have an episode about a month ago where I really go into self soothing. So I recommend listening to that and going back. And so we're not taught how to self soothe, how to calm our nervous system down, how to calm our, calm our mindset down. And so we search a lot of times for external circumstances and external substances. A glass of wine, although it is amazing and I do love wine, it's the easy way out and there's no growth from it. So then you start to take a step back and say, okay, I can see that maybe I'm a little bit triggered by what Rob's saying, because I love having a glass of wine when I do have a stressful day and I do want to take the edge off. But then you ask yourself, what would be better? What would be better for my own self improvement? And maybe what would be better for you instead of having a glass of wine is deciding, you know what? I've had a stressful day. I've got a lot of negative energy inside of me right now. I have a lot of stressful energy inside of me. You know, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna get changed when I get home, I'm gonna put on my running shoes and I'm gonna go for a run just to get out that anger, just to get out that frustration, just to get out that negative energy inside of me and allow my body, instead of holding onto it, allow my body to release that energy so that I can move on. Maybe if you don't like running, maybe instead of having that glass of wine Doing something like a 20 minute guided meditation would help you learn how to calm yourself and learn how to self soothe. So maybe you sit down, you have a meditation. Believe me, your brain's gonna be all over the place and you're gonna feel all of your feelings. You're gonna feel why you're triggered, but instead of running from it, it's more of like, can we dive into it and ask myself, why is this here? And how can I make sure that next time I don't get triggered? Maybe it might be for you. If the glass of wine is what you're trying to avoid, you don't want to go for a run. Maybe you don't want to meditate. Maybe it's journaling. Maybe you're a really big thinker like me. I'm a really big thinker and I have to think through problems and think, think, think. And I like to be by myself in quiet. And a lot of times I like to put my thoughts on with pen and paper because there's some really complex things that we go through. And a lot of times we'll look at it and we'll say, oh, my boss triggered me, so I need a glass of wine. But sometimes that self love isn't that. Sometimes it's saying, hey, listen, what's the way I could love myself better? Well, why did my boss trigger me? Oh, you know what it is? It's reminding me of something that my dad used to say when I was younger. It's reminding me of when I was rejected by the boys on the baseball team. And we start to actually identify where these things are coming from so that we can improve. And I realize these are not sexy. Like, what's sexy? If you go back and look at like in the 1950s, 1960s, maybe even earlier, and you look at like, I'm just thinking of like black and white movies in like the 40s and stuff where they'd be sitting there and it looks so sexy to like have a glass of wine and a cigarette. And that seems sexy. They make it look sexy. Journaling is not very sexy. Meditating is not very sexy. Going for a run or doing a really good workout is not really sexy. They're actually harder, like way harder than just sitting down and having a glass of wine. They're way harder. A glass of wine, that's easy, that's sexy. But it doesn't change anything. And you're not listening to this podcast because you want to stay the same. You're listening to this podcast because you're the Type of person who does want to change and not stay the same. You do want to grow. And when you numb, what you're really doing is you're not changing anything and you don't learn anything about yourself. And so for me, if you've been listening to the podcast long enough, I'm always trying to figure out where I'm not free, because where I'm triggered is showing me where I'm not free. So when someone comes to me, a boss were to come to me and say something to me, and I get agitated or stressed or I start cussing him out in my head, it's a place where I'm not free. Because as Eleanor Roosevelt said, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. So if he made me feel inferior, I consented to that. Because he said this thing to me, maybe one of my co workers, he said the exact same thing to. And they go home and they feel fine. They don't need it because they're not triggered. And so I'm really trying to figure out where I'm not free. Because we all want freedom. You haven't grown. If you're just trying to numb, you're in the exact same place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, tomorrow as you were today. So then you look at it and say, okay, if that's not self love, what is self love? I see self love, obviously, as the way that you speak to yourself. I see self love as the way that you treat yourself. If you are confident in yourself, you're confident in your abilities. If you talk well to yourself, I do see it as that. I do see it as something of being kind to yourself. But there's also tough love. And a lot of times what we need sometimes is tough love. And when you love someone, like a really great friend, your job is to be there for that friend and to help them out. And sometimes being there for that friend, one of the best things you can do is give them tough love. Sometimes you don't need to give them tough love. Sometimes you do. Sometimes it's like, hey, Stacy, you're saying the same thing over and over and over again. And you're dating the same type of person over and over and over again. When are you gonna get it together and stop dating these types of guys? Sometimes that's how we have to come to ourself and speak to ourselves. Sometimes self love is the energy of, like, the tough uncle. You know, it's like the tough uncle or the tough grandfather. He loves you, but he's not gonna put up with the bullshit. Like you know that when you're around him, he's going to call you out, he's going to help you get back on track, but you never question it because you know deep down he loves the hell out of you. He loves you for who you are. He wants the best for you, he wants you to grow, he wants you to be better. But sometimes there's the feminine energy that we need, which is the self love of just being there and supporting ourselves and accepting and just trying to hold that space for ourself. And then sometimes we gotta talk to ourself and say, man, you gotta get your shit together. Like when are you gonna change? When's something going to be different? And that's the masculine energy of bringing in the tough uncle of like, damn it, I know when I get around Uncle George he's going to call me out. And sometimes you avoid uncle George, don't you? Because you're like, he's going to call me out of my bs. So self love can look like the feminine that we're talking about, the feminine energy. Because we all have masculine and feminine inside of us. But sometimes self love can really look like going to the gym when you really don't want to because you knew that it was something that you said you were going to do. And you know that if you do do it, it will be harder. But at the same time you're going to be better. You're gonna feel better after. You're gonna get those, that anger out of you. You can get those emotions out of. You're gonna allow your body to process it and your body's gonna be better at the end of it. I've never heard someone that worked out at the end of a really good workout's like, man, I'm really pissed off that I showed up for myself. Sometimes that's what self love can be. Sometimes it could be waking up early in getting your morning routine in so that you can fill your cup for the day. Sometimes it's easier to sit around and sleep in. But you know that you need that tough love of like, hey, you're about to go into a real busy day. You need to be here for yourself. You need to make sure that you're on point. Okay, you need to get up, you need to do your morning routine, you need to be there for yourself before the kids wake up. You need to fill your own cup because hey, your cup's been feeling empty for the last few days. Sometimes self love is reading because it's way easier to scroll on your phone. It's way easier to scroll on your phone. But sometimes it's reading. You know, it might be a self development book, it might be a spirituality book. It might be a book on how to stop overthinking. Sometimes self love is deciding that you're going to meditate after a really long day. And a lot of people struggle with meditation because they think that they're supposed to stop thinking. Like, I hear a lot of people. I get a lot of messages on Instagram like, hey, I'm really terrible at meditating. What should I do? Like, how do I stop. How do I stop getting. How do I get rid of all of my thoughts when I'm meditating? I'm like, no, that's not what it is. When I went to Thailand, I spent a day with a monk. And one of the things he said is that meditating is not getting rid of your thoughts. Meditating is observing your thoughts. Because what comes up in meditation, if it's agitation, if it's anger, frustration, what comes in meditation when there is no external stimuli? You can't see anything, you're not scrolling through your phone, you're not keeping busy all day long. What comes up in meditation is just a heightened experience of what's bubbling under the surface all the time. So sometimes it is meditating after a long day. Sometimes it is saying no to the glass of wine. Sometimes it is saying no to the ice cream. Sometimes it is saying no to the fast food even though it's convenient. You just want your stomach to stop growling. Sometimes it's saying no to going out with your friends because you should be preparing for a test or you should be presenting, putting your presentation together so that you can make sure that you have the slides ready to go. All of those things you need discipline for. And so when you look at self love, a lot of times what self love is, is self discipline. You don't need discipline to do easy things. You don't need discipline to do easy things. You don't need discipline to drink a glass of wine. You don't. Once again, I love wine. I love ice cream, I love sleeping in. I love all of these things. So I'm not saying that you don't ever do these things. That's not what I'm saying. I want to make sure that we're clear on that. But sometimes you need discipline, and you don't need discipline to go and have that glass of wine. You don't need discipline to eat that ice cream to try to numb your Feelings, you don't need discipline to sleep in. You need discipline to do all of the opposite of those things. To say no to the glass of wine, say no to the ice cream, say no to sleeping in because you love yourself so much and you're not going to deal with this shit anymore and you're going to push yourself to be better. Self love is to do the discipline, to have the discipline to do the things that make you better. And so what it comes down to is what do I need more discipline in? How do I need, and I understand the word discipline is hard because discipline, self discipline is one of the highest forms of self love. But when we say the word discipline, discipline also has a very negative connotation because we think to ourselves, like when somebody does something wrong, your child, you know, punches your other child in the face. Sometimes they need to be disciplined. When your dog does something it's not supposed to, maybe it barks and then poops on the floor. It might need discipline. But when we're talking about self discipline, we need self discipline to do the things that are better for us. We need self discipline to wake up early. We need self discipline to meditate. We need self discipline to read. We need self discipline to say, I'm gonna take some time and I'm gonna meditate because I've just wanna, just, I just wanna exist simply and not not be so overly stimulated all of the time. So self love is self discipline to do the things that make you better. And that's really what it comes down to sometimes. And so if you're asking yourself, how do I love myself more? A lot of times what that is is showing up for yourself. Because all too often I hear people all the time that, that write in and people have been through my programs and that type of stuff where they, they give their power away to other people and they have, they put everybody else in front of themselves and then they have no time for themselves. And what happens is they start to lose themselves. And so sometimes what I really think most people should do is realize that there's two forms of self love. There is the feminine side of it. And once again, male and female, completely out of this. We all have feminine qualities inside of us. We all have masculine qualities inside of us. And so sometimes it is looking in the mirror and having the practice of self love and saying, I love you, I appreciate you, you know, looking at yourself in the mirror and being like, man, you've been through some, you've been through some shit, bud, and you're doing A really good job and I appreciate you for that. That is definitely a form of self love. That is definitely the feminine form of self love and is definitely necessary. But. But sometimes it also requires the masculine side of you as well, which is that uncle, that's saying, dude, you said you were gonna do this and you need to get it done. You don't need to deflect, you don't need to numb yourself, you need to step up, you need to make yourself better. And so what I really want you to get out of today's episode is there are two forms of self love and both of them are necessary for you to love yourself more. The feminine side of it, the masculine side of it. And so when you have a tough day, when you have something that you're working for, when you have things that you really want to grow and improve at, sometimes you need the masculine side of that, the discipline side of it to do the things that are better for you. And if you do that, you will not regret it. You won't. You'll notice that you grow from it and you will appreciate yourself for saying, you know what, I was really tired when I came home, but I decided to do a 30 minute YouTube workout and I feel better about myself because what happens, you start thinking to yourself, I didn't want to show up for myself. I did show up for myself. You know what, dammit, I am proud. You're doing amazing. Today was hard, today was tough, but I'm going to show up for you because I love you and you did a really great job and you showed up for yourself and you got that workout in. And so bring in the feminine side of self love, which we all talk about, we hear about, but also remember, self discipline is a form of self love as well. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories and tag me Robdial Jr R O B D I A L J R. And if you're out there and you love this podcast, you'll also probably love my book because I did write it and it's 1617 years of knowledge of coaching people and it is called Level Up. You can buy it wherever books are. If you listen to this before October 3rd, you can pre order it@robdial.com book. Everybody who pre orders will be put into a drawing for over $25,000 in cash and prizes. There's gonna be a pool of over 10 people that we're gonna be giving this out to for the pool of over $25,000 in cash and prizes. And you'll also get, if you pre order it, a free mini course about procrastinating that's called how to get off your ass masterclass. And so if you're interested in, once again, go to robdahl.com book and with that, I'm gonna leave you the same way leave you every single episode. Make it your mission. Make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.