Why You Self-Sabotage and How to Stop

Rats start eating and overeating, they start getting fatter. And then he had it where once they push the lever, no food comes out. And once he stopped rewarding them, the rats, guess what? They didn't give up immediately. They pressed the lever more times, they pressed it faster, and they pressed it with more force before eventually giving up a couple days later and stopping. And so this pattern isn't just for lab rats though. It shows up in humans all the time whenever we're trying to break our own habits. Your brain operates exactly the same way when you are trying to break a habit. And so how does this show up in your life? How does this show up in your self development? Well, let's say that you're working on yourself. You've decided you're going to ditch the self doubt, you're going to quit all of your bad habits and you're going to just level up your mindset and become a different person. But suddenly things kind of feel a little bit worse. You, you get overwhelmed. Maybe some of your old fears start to resurface or these negative habits, these bad habits start to flare up. And they don't just flare up, they flare up with more intensity than normal. Why is that? It's because your brain hates change. This is why so many people self sabotage and they're like, I don't know why I self sabotage, because it's not even you consciously doing it. It's the last ditch effort of your brain trying to hold onto its old conditioning. Even if that change that you're trying to create in your life is positive in some sort of way, your brain has gotten used to operating in a very specific way for a long time. And it knows that if I do this, I get that. If I do this, I get this, and if I do this, I get this. And then it does this, and I don't get this, well, then your brain's gonna throw a minor freak out. Why is that? Because it's so used to being rewarded in certain ways, even if those rewards are harmful in the long run. And so when your brain creates a pattern, it creates a habit in some sort of way. Believe it or not, no matter what your brain does, it has some sort of reward that it's going to get at the end of this thing. And so let me give you a couple of examples of how this might show up in your life. Let's say that when things get really stressful for you, you have turned to in the past emotional eating or stressful eating. And so the temporary reward is when you're stressed, you go and you grab a cookie, so you get some sugar or you get a bag of chips, so you get a lot of carbs and you get some salt. It gives you, in that moment instant comfort because sugar and carbs and salts and all of that trigger a dopamine release in that moment, which is a feel good chemical in your brain. So you feel, oh my gosh, I'm stressed, I'm stressed, I'm stressed. Okay, I feel pretty good. So the long term harm of continuing that if the habit continues to be reinforced and you reinforce emotional eating, it's going to make it harder to break. And so your brain starts associating with stress equals food. And so creating it literally creates unhealthy cravings whenever you feel overwhelmed. So then you go and get stressed out. You have a bad day at work, you go to food, your boss is an asshole, you go to food, you get in a fight with your spouse, you go to food. So over the short term, it feels good. Over the long term, this habit's not going to be good for you. And so the way that you want to rewire it is you want to figure out a way, when I feel stress and I want to go to food, I need to go to something else. Now, is this going to be easy? No, because your brain's going to be like, whoa, this, it was way easier to go to a bag of chips. It was way easier to eat a cake than to do deep breathing or to go for a walk or to do some form of journaling. And so you want to find something, something to replace the food with. That is a different form of stress relief, which is, like I said, going for the walk, doing some form of journaling, doing deep breathing. At first your brain is going to be pissed and it's going to throw a temper tantrum. And it's, you're going to get stressed, you're going to feel anxious, you might feel sad, you might feel mad. It's going to demand basically the old habit, which is the extinction burst that I'm talking about. But if you hold strong, eventually the craving will fade and you're going to go, okay, I don't feel as bad. And then the next time you notice yourself to get stressed and you want to go to food because it's an old habit. Old habits die hard. You go, no, I'm going to do my deep breathing, whatever your new thing is, right? So another example would be like, if you're the type of person that procrastinates and you avoid the things that you need to do. That temporary reward that I'm talking about is you might put off a difficult task by scrolling on social media or watching Netflix. Why? Because it relieves your anxiety in the moment. So it gives you this quick dopamine hit with the entertainment. You see how I'm saying? All of these habits have some form of a temporary reward, but in the long term of avoiding what you need to do. Procrastinating. Every time you procrastinate, your brain is learning that avoidance equals relief. And so it reinforces this habit, which makes it harder to face challenges in the future. And so how do you rewire it? Well, at first your brain is going to fight for distractions, that is its extinction burst. But once you push through it and you decide to take action and take action and take action, that is your new habit you're creating. Your ability to focus and to be better at taking action will strengthen over time. And then the old habit will start to die off. Let's say that you're in a, you know, a toxic relationship. The temporary reward, you know, the relationship isn't healthy, but you stay in it because it gives you some form of temporary comfort or familiarity or attention, even if that attention is negative. And so that's a temporary reward. The long term harm is that you reinforce this fear of being alone, which makes it harder for you to walk away, even if you know that you deserve better. And so your brain associates familiarity with safety, even if that safety feeling is a toxic person. And so you got to recognize that your discomfort is not a sign that you should go back to that person. It's your brain's way of grasping and trying to hold on to old patterns. So you've got to stay in no contact long enough. And eventually if you do that, the emotional pull is going to start to fade. And then like the last example is quitting addictions or quitting really bad habits. You cut sugar or alcohol or toxic relationships in some sort of way, suddenly those cravings are all gonna just be really, really strong. The emotional pull is gonna pull you way stronger. And you think to yourself, like, maybe I should just give in, right? Like, I'm trying to change, but this isn't working because I wanna go back to this old thing so much. But, but the fact that it's getting so hard, and I want you to remember this, like, get this in your bones, the fact that it's so hard is a sign that the change is starting to work. You know, if you look at this, it's withdrawal symptoms of somebody who is an addict. And most addiction recovery, the withdrawal symptoms usually spike before they fade. And so your brain fights to restore old dopamine patterns before it learns to regulate itself without whatever this addiction or thing that was your bad habit make sense. And so you've got to figure out some sort of way to push through whenever you feel like going back to bad habits. You know, most people, it starts to get really hard. And so they think to themselves, this is too hard. I must be doing something wrong. You know what, I'm just going to quit. And they quit. Whenever they feel the extinction burst come in, they think something like, if this was working, it wouldn't feel this hard. Have you ever thought that to yourself, like, if this was worth it, it wouldn't be so hard? If I was changing, I would have gotten results by now. But you have to understand, all of that is a trap. It's your old conditioning trying to get you to change, trying to get you to quit changing. It's trying to get you to go back to what you used to do. And so you've got to remind yourself about this. Like, this is the exact reason what we're talking about today is the reason why the phrase old habits die hard exists. This habit is trying really, really hard not to die. And it is its last ditch effort. And so you've got to be able to be like, nope, I'm going to fight through no matter what. Because the good news about this is if you keep going in the direction that you want, eventually the old behavior will fade. I promise you this, it won't fade as fast as you want. Everybody always wants everything to happen faster than it's going to happen. But if you just don't stop, eventually the old behavior will fade. And so let's talk about real quick how to get through an extinction burst, right? When you're starting to change, there's a couple different steps. The first thing, when you're starting to change yourself, you need to just expect that you're going to have this extinction burst. When you know that you're needing to change and you know that it's going to be coming up, when it comes up, it kind of loses its power. Because if suddenly things get worse, you just remind yourself you're just like, ah, here it is. That one podcaster told me about it. This is my brain throwing its fit, which is actually a good thing because this means I'm really close to change. So I've got to just keep pushing through. So that's the first thing, just expect it. It's not going to be easy to change any habit ever, especially if you've been doing it for a really long time. The second thing, you just got to start riding the wave. Don't judge yourself for this really deep urge to go back to old ways. Just observe it. Because if you just observe it, it will eventually pass without you acting on it. Most of the time though. What I found with coaching people over years and years and years now is that when we have an old habit start to rear its ugly head back in, a lot of people will beat themselves up, they will guilt themselves, they will shame themselves, they will start talking trash to themselves. Don't just ride the wave, just observe it and then just let it pass without acting on it. Breathe through it. Give yourself some time. It's going to be uncomfortable in your body. You might feel stressed, anxiety, you might feel sadness, anger. You're going to feel something in your body. It's the last ditch effort. Just breathe through it. Eventually it's going to pass. Or if you want, I don't recommend this necessarily, but you can try it. If it gets really bad, just go do something else. I don't want you to distract yourself with something from, to try to like not feel feelings. I think it's important to feel feelings and to breathe through it and to work through it. But if it gets to the point where it's just so intense and just keep yourself busy doing something else. Okay? So that's the second thing, is to ride the wave. The third thing is you have to stay the course. Whatever you are changing, whatever you're working down, when you feel that come in and you want to give up, that is the moment where you need to double down on your commitment. So if you do this, you keep reinforcing the new behavior versus the old behavior. I'm going to focus on this new behavior, this new habit that I'm trying to rewire myself because it is so important to and I'm reminding myself of if I create this habit, what my life is going to be like and how my life is going to change. I don't want to stay the same. So I've got to get rid of this habit. I want change because I see what my future could look like. You have to understand this. Here's a secret to it. You cannot lose if you just don't stop. It's the truth. It's the truth in most things in life. Most people just give up. So if you just don't give up, you're usually going to lose. But in this case, if you just don't give up on changing your old bad habits, eventually you will win. So number four that goes along with that is make it hard to go back to your old self. If your extinction burst is making you crave distractions, whatever those distractions are. For instance, remove all of the easy access around you. So if you feel like, hey, I really need to get away from this app, maybe I really need to get away from TikTok, spending way too much time on it instead of going, oh my gosh, I'm gonna put my phone away. And then you find yourself on your phone 10 minutes later. Delete the app. Like, stop screwing around. Just delete the app already. Throw out the junk food. If you're trying to lose weight, if you have a toxic ex and you keep going back to them, you keep, oh my gosh, I have these emotions. I wanna go back to them. Just block them. Whatever you can do to make going back to old patterns that you have really hard. So, like, just remove the easy access, make it hard to go back. And then number five, which is a very important part of this, is I want you to start celebrating your progress more. The fact that you're even experiencing extinction burst means that you have interrupted an old pattern. That's a win, damn it. And it shows that you're on the right path. And so you've got to celebrate this. Don't be an asshole to yourself because you feel like you want to go back to this. You feel anxious about it, not like you should celebrate it. Oh my gosh. I'm feeling really anxious because of the fact that I'm not doing this old habit. But that's a good thing because I'm experiencing this extinction burst, which is showing me that I have interrupted an old pattern. This is exactly what I want to do. I am on the right path. Let's double down, right? And so if you're on this journey of self development, I want you to understand this. You will have have moments where your old self fights back. And it's going to keep rearing its ugly head over and over and over again. And sometimes I'm just going to be very transparent with you. It's going to be very, very hard. But here's the truth to it. It's not a sign that you're failing. It's a sign that you're rewiring yourself. So it's not proof to you that the change isn't working. It's actually your proof more than anything else that that the change is working. You've just got to keep pushing ahead. Hey, if you loved this video and you want to watch the next one, YouTube thinks that you should watch this video right here next. So go ahead and click this to watch the next video. And if you want to subscribe so you don't miss any more videos, click this one right here.