You Think You’re Self-Aware? Think Again.

I want you to understand that there is no such thing as your perception being full, 100% reality. If you look at it, subjective perception is subjective reality, not perception is reality. People say like, oh, perception is reality. No, no, no, no, no. Subjective perception is subjective reality. Your perception is not absolute reality. In fact, your perception usually isn't reality at all. Because, because like I said, your brain filters and distorts everything that comes in through your five senses. So all of these billions and millions of bits of information come in through your five senses. And then your brain has to make some sort of sense of, has to put things into boxes in labels and hopefully try to make as many things as possible fit into these boxes. And so what it does is it filters everything that goes through your senses, through conditionings, through the way you were raised, through millions and millions of experiences that you've had in your life. These little distortions in psychology are actually called cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are biased ways of thinking that reinforce thoughts, beliefs and emotions. They're really common in many mental health conditions such as depression, such as anxiety. But we all have them. The, they're not just in anxiety and depression, we all have them. Even if you don't have any sort of mental health diagnosis at all, understanding your cognitive distortions is one of the most critical steps in improving your mental health and also creating better self awareness and overall a better life. Let's talk a little bit more about them real quick so I can really talk about how to fix them. What are cognitive distortions? Cognitive distortions are irrational, biased thoughts that, that perpetuate negative thinking patterns that you have. If you think, oh, the world's out to get me, you're gonna see all of the ways in which the world is out to get you, or that, you know, all men are cheaters. You're gonna see all of the ways that men are cheaters, or this type of person is bad. You're gonna see all the ways where that type of person is bad. They're basically errors in your thinking that distort your perception of reality. These distortions are basically automatic. They're unconscious most of the time. Usually if you know it's a person who doesn't work on themselves and they're not very self aware, they just don't even notice in the first place. Because they're so deeply ingrained, they often occur without us even being aware of them. They go unnoticed unless you pay more attention. And that's why I always say this. And this is really what they say in cognitive, behavioral Therapy is to question the validity of your thoughts. When you have thoughts that are getting in the way of the life that you want to create, you've got to question to see is this actually valid? And that's where questioning the validity of your thoughts comes from, is because cognitive distortions will come in, change reality in front of you. You think that it's real reality, and then you've got to go, hold on. Is this valid or is this just me? And so I'm gonna give you a few different types of really, really common cognitive distortions. I think I got like six of them for you. Okay, number one is one that's called all or nothing thinking. This is. This is also known as black or white thinking. And this distortion tends to see things in very absolute terms. For example, if I'm not perfect, I'm a total failure. That's all or nothing thinking. Or I didn't get an A on the test, so I must be stupid. I miss a deadline at work, now I'm never gonna get a promotion. And maybe you're working on your fitness and you, you eat bad one meal and you're say, I'm never gonna hit my fitness goals. And so it's like, all. All or nothing. And if you think that way, it tends to derail you when you're trying to get better. If you think, okay, I eat bad one time, maybe you have 17 days of really good fitness and eating really healthy, and then you have a little bit too much ice cream one night and you're like, I'm never going to hit my fitness goals. And you're focusing on this one moment where you ate a lot of ice cream and you're not even paying attention to the other 17 days where you did really well. And so you just give up. I'm never gonna hit my finished goals. You see how that's a distortion? It's distorting reality in front of you. The second one is overgeneralization. And this involves broad conclusions based off of a single event. It is very similar, not exactly the same thing as all or nothing thinking. So, for instance, I failed this test, so I'm gonna fail all of my tests. Or I felt awkward at this party, and I'm always awkward in social situations, or I failed this exam, so you know I'm going to fail all of my classes. And so what happens is we take one event and we just put a broad stroke over all of the rest of the events that are going to be happening in the future. That's overgeneralization. The third one is called negative mental filter, which is another way of calling it negativity bias is what it is. The distortion involves focusing solely on the negative aspects of a situation and then just ignoring all of the positive. So for an example, I made a mistake on my presentation, so the whole presentation was a disaster. Or, you know, you get a work review and it says, great job here, great job here, great job here. This needs improvement. Great job here, Great job here. And then all of your focus goes to needs the improvement. Like, you don't pay attention to any of the great jobs. The one thing it's focused on is needs the improvement. Like, I remember when I first started putting content out online about nine years ago, I remember I had one video that did really well, and it was on Facebook and I had like a thousand positive comments and there was one negative comment in like two hours later, I'm walking around my house and I'm ruminating and thinking about that one negative comment. I'm not paying attention to any of the thousand positive ones. I'm focusing on just the one negative one. You know, it's like, you can have a. Maybe you go out to a party, have a great time at a party. And I don't know if you've ever done this. I've done this many times. You say one thing a little bit weird, or you say something that might be just a little bit different. You don't get the reaction that you want to, and you go home and you dwell that one thing so negatively, and you think, oh, my God, everyone must think that I'm so awkward. I hope they didn't think that what I said meant xyz. And so you're focusing on just that one thing. And so that's the negative mental filter. The fourth one, which is very common, is discounting the positive. People do this a lot. I see it all of the time with people is what you're basically doing is you're dismissing the positive experiences by insisting that they don't count. And the reason why is because they don't really line up with your filter of yourself and what you think of yourself. So you want to dismiss them. So an example would this be like, I only did well on the assignment because it was easy. You know, I'm sure everybody did well on it. You know, you think you're going to fail something, you get an A, and you're like, well, yeah, I only did that. I only got an A because it was easy, not because I'm smart, not because I did well. I'm sure everybody else did well. Or, you know, maybe you will go back to the presentation work. You do a presentation at work, and everyone's like, oh, great job, great job. And you're like, well, they only said great job because they feel bad for me. This one happens all the time. I see this one more common than any of the other ones. You get a compliment and you're like, oh, they're just being nice. They don't think I actually look good. Like so many people, it's really, really hard for them to take compliments from other people because it doesn't line up with what they actually think of themselves. And so they're like, oh, no, no, they're just being nice. They just. They don't actually think I look good. And so if you have. If you have trouble taking compliments, discounting the positive could be a cognitive distortion that you might have. The fifth one is, is labeling. And it involves attaching a negative label to yourself or even to other people as well. So, for example, let's say you. You mess something up, and so you're like, I'm such an idiot. Or you fail a math test and you say, I'm terrible at math. Or you screw something up at work and you're like, I'm terrible at my job. Or once again, you say something weird at a party and you're like, oh, I'm just so awkward. Or you. You lose your temper one day after having a hard day in front of your children, like, I'm a terrible parent. Or you sleep in one morning and you're like, I'm just lazy. What you're doing is you're labeling yourself and attaching an identity to a behavior. So, you know, the behavior was, you mess something up, I'm an idiot. That's just a behavior, right? You screw something up at work. That's just a behavior. I'm terrible at my job. And so what you're doing is you're making a behavior and turning it into an actual label and identity for yourself, which is very dangerous to do. So that's the fifth one. And then the sixth one, which is very common as well, is catastrophizing. So this cognitive distortion is where a person expects the worst possible outcome in almost every single situation. So they just imagine the worst that could happen no matter what. And it leads to, you know, increased anxiety, stress, and, like, a sense of helplessness because you really can't control the majority of stuff that happens in your life. And so, you know, like, let's say You. You make a small mistake at work and you think, oh, well, I messed up this project. I'm going to get fired. That doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. But what happens is a tiny little thing turns into this big explosion. Catastrophizing. So you're making a catastrophe out of something that's small. No, you just messed up a work project. Doesn't mean you're going to get fired. Or, you know, going back to say something awkward at a party. It's like, everyone must think that I'm an idiot. They never want to talk to me again, right? That's catastrophizing. Maybe, you know, you're in a relationship with someone and your partner doesn't reply to your text message for a few hours, and you're like, they must be angry with me. They want to break up, right? That's what catastrophizing looks like versus just looking at the reality of being like. Reality is, they haven't text back in a few hours, they're out with their friends, maybe they're having fun, Maybe this phone died, maybe whatever. But you're like catastrophizing a small event, and that's how you can see reality gets distorted. And so why do we have cognitive distortions? That's really what pops into my head. Why do we have these? Then it comes down to something that's actually called secondary gains. And so it's actually doing something for us. Believe it or not, even if we don't know that it is really what it is more than anything else is, it is a defense mechanism in some way. And it can keep us in our comfort zone so that we feel safe. That would be the secondary gain that we get out of it. It can make us not want to get into another relationship so that we don't get hurt. That's the secondary gain. There's always some sort of secondary gain that comes from these defense mechanisms. It's protecting you in some sort of way. And maybe, yeah, that can be good sometimes. But the problem is, in the long run, it means us not having a life that we truly want. And it can make you feel safe or right or whatever it is in the short run. But in the long run, they can make you miserable unless you start to actually see reality for what it is. So in the short run, what I'm saying is it's the defense mechanism, right? In the long run, it becomes part of your personality and it can throw your life off course. It can cause depression, it could cause anxiety or it could just be something as simple as just not reaching your potential. Because, you know, short term avoidance turns into long term suffering. Whenever you're avoiding something that you really want and you're avoiding and avoiding the feelings or the emotions or whatever it is, it turns into long term suffering. How do you get past these cognitive distortions? So maybe you're at the point where you're noticing, oh, you know what, that one cognitive distortion that he just said really hits home for me. Well, how do I get past that thing? The first thing is awareness. You need to become aware of yourself. You need to start becoming more aware of your thinking. And so when it pops up, write it down. Get really clear on like, okay, I just did this thing. Is that absolute reality? Probably not. Okay, so what happened? I'm gonna write it down, I'm gonna get really clear on what actually happened in reality and how I distorted reality and start thinking about that, right? So that's the first thing. Become very aware of it. And writing it down helps you get more clear because you have to put it on paper. Second thing is to ask yourself what short term benefit of thinking that thought would be. And so find the secondary benefit. Are you, Is it defending you from something? Is it protecting you from feeling a certain way? Is it trying to make me feel safe? Is it me trying to be right, I'm always bad at math, right? Or is it, you know, trying to reinforce an identity or a label that you already have of yourself? Oh, they're just being nice. They're giving me a compliment because they actually think I look terrible and they want to make me feel good. Right? That's reinforcing an identity of, oh, I'm ugly or I'm unlovable or I don't look good or I can't lose weight or whatever it might be. Remember, short term safety, long term consequence? And so then you got to ask yourself, what are the long term consequences of me believing this thought that I'm believing? So that's the second thing. Number three is to learn to challenge the distorted thinking. So you look at it and I do this with people all the time. When I do one on one coaching sessions and you know, like Mindset University and stuff like that, where I run, you know, weekly coaching sessions and I work with people live, and I'll, I'll notice someone has a cognitive distortion and I'll be like, is what you said absolutely true? And they're like, well, it's true. And I'm like, no, no, no. Is it absolutely true that you're terrible at math. Is it absolutely true that you're unlovable? Is it absolutely true that you screw every single thing up in your entire life? And what happens is, most people, it's not true. It's true to them, but it's not objectively true in reality. So I say, like, what would a friend say? Would they believe the exact same thing that you believe? Or would they have a different perspective so you do the exact same thing for yourself? Is this absolutely true, this thing that I'm believing? Is it absolutely true, or is it just, like, true to me but not objectively true? If I brought one of my friends in here, what would they say? Would they believe the exact same thing that I'm saying? Or would they might. Maybe they have a different perspective. And so then you've got to ask yourself, so that's step number three. Number four is you've got to do opposite thinking, which is, what's the exact opposite of what I'm thinking? And how would my life be different if I believe this thing instead? So if someone says, oh, I look really good, and it's like, well, I don't think that I look good. I think that I look terrible. I think that I look ugly. Okay, so what's the opposite of that? Well, that I actually do look good. Okay, well, how would my life be different if I did believe this instead? And so you start testing the boundaries, playing a little bit devil's advocate with opposite thinking. And then what you do, the last part of it, number five, is to replace the thought with the thought that you'd prefer. So if you're saying, okay, does this thinking, if I were to keep it for the rest of my life, would it help me get to where I want to go in life, this cognitive distortion? Probably not. Just going to give you a little. I bet you it's probably not going to help you out. I'll put it that way. Okay. And so you said. And you said, okay, well, if I were to be able to have a magic wand and to just replace this thought with a thought, that would help me out, what would it be? And that's what I'm going to do. When I start noticing the cognitive distortion pop up, I'm going to replace a new thought. I'm going to replace a new thought. I'm going to replace a new thought. And you do this over and over and over again. You start realizing, oh, my God, like, I'm lying to myself all the time. I'm distorting reality all the time to make me feel safe, to keep me small, to keep me in my comfort zone, to reinforce what I already believe about myself or my identity or the world. And so you've got to start challenging yourself, start thinking differently, to realize that you're distorting reality hundreds of times a day. And the more that you start realizing that your perception is not reality, you start realizing, oh, my God, like, I can kind of let go of some things, realize that the way I see the world is not absolutely how reality is. And if that's the case, maybe I can change the way that I'm distorting it. I would rather distort reality for my benefit versus my demise. And so if we're distorting it, let's try to distort it for our benefit more than anything else. And if you do that, your life will be better, and you'll start to actually create the thoughts and the beliefs and the actions that you need to to create the life that you want. 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