Your Words Become Your Reality

And I want you to think about this. Is it possible to expect something to happen? And just by you expecting it to happen, you make it to happen? It's actually something that's called a Pygmalion effect. It is a psychological phenomenon where whatever you expect of someone, they will create within themselves. So what you expect in others, what you also expect within yourself, you will actually create in others or you'll create in yourself. And this is super important for parents, it's important for teachers. It's important if you are a manager, a leader in some sort of way, any in work environment, but also any relationship that you have with another person. I'm going to give you a couple studies that have to deal specifically with children, but then I'm also going to give you studies after that that deal specifically with adults. And so when I'm speaking about children, it ain't just children. It's just living, breathing humans. And at its core, the Pygmalion effect happens when one person's expectations for another person's behavior actually brings that behavior to reality. And so basically, I expect someone to be a certain way, and they actually will be that way. Where this came from was in 1968, there was a study that was done by Rosenthal and Jacobson. And what happened was they were curious, if we take a group of children and we bring them into a classroom and we tell the teacher something about some of the students, could that change based off the teacher's expectations, could that change the actual reality of these children based off of the teacher's expectations of them? So what they did was they took a random group of children and they put them into a classroom for an academic year, and this is an elementary school for an academic year with a teacher. And what they did was, out of those children, they chose a random group of 20% of them. They were just random. And they called them the Bloomers. And they said to the teacher, and the teacher had no idea that this wasn't true. They said, based off of IQ tests, these 20% are the ones that we're calling the Bloomers. This is their names. And these are the ones we actually think are going to make the biggest jump based off of what we see in them, the tests that they've gone through their iq, that they're going to have the biggest jump this academic year in their studies and their knowledge in their iq. The only thing about it, though, was this was completely random. This was not based in reality in any sort of way. Then after that year, they brought the students back in and they brought the teacher back in and they looked at all of the student scores and how they did. The students, the 20% that were the quote unquote bloomers, just the random kids that they chose that were the quote unquote bloomers, those bloomers, those students showed a significant increase in performance over the academic year when compared to the rest of the 80% of the other children. Now you have to realize this did not come from their innate capabilities. It came from the teachers expectations and belief in them. And the teachers were told that these kids were smarter. And because the teachers thought these kids are smarter, they are the bloomers, they treated them as such. So their expectations of what they had in their mind ended up dictating their behaviors when associating with these children. So they put more time into them, they challenged them more, they thought more highly of them. And because of all of this, the children thought more highly of themselves. They ended up taking on to being challenged, they started thinking more of themselves and they started performing way better than all the other children. And those children are the ones that were the quote unquote bloomers, AKA random children that they just call bloomers, had a significant jump in the scores that they had opposed to the rest of the children. And it has nothing to do with their innate capabilities but the teacher's expectations. This is basically a self fulfilling prophecy. And so this is really important when you look at it and you realize, okay, for those of you guys that are parents or you want to be parents at some point in time, it's really important to understand the role of your expectations for your children and what becomes of them in their childhood development. You know, when you look in the early childhood development, the Pygmalion effect shows the impact of positive reinforcement and expectations for the children. High expectations for them. When I say high expectations, I want to be very clear on this because I have coached many people who have had like for instance, I've seen a lot of people who have parents who are in the military. And because their parents were in the military, this is not, this is a vast generalization, just so you know. But I've seen a lot of people who have parents who are in the military. And because they are taught in the military to be very tough and hard on them and have really high expectations, because that's what the military has for them, they do that to their children. And so when I say high expectations, I don't mean like ridiculously high. Like when a child comes home with an A, it's like why did you not get an A? Not those type of expectations that then actually lower the child's self belief, but the expectations of what you actually believe is possible for them, right? If you expect for instance, that your child is smart and your child is gifted, then there's a much better chance that you're going to interact with them differently. They start to have more self belief in themselves, they put more effort into it and they actually become smarter. That's actually what happens because a lot of times what's happening is we as humans get our self belief and our identity and our perception of ourself from watching other people interact with us. And so you know, on the other side of that, if you expect that your child is slower because you know someone told them that one time or because they failed one test and you think that they're slower, you will, because of your expectations, treat them differently. You will treat them as such and they will not advance as quickly as other children. On the other side of that, if you expect that your children are kind and they're sweet, they will be more kind around you, you will be more kind around them. And when they are around you will be more kind to others to show them exactly how to be kind because they're looking at you for how to understand, how to work with the world. So your expectations of that child will change the way that you interact with them, you interact with the world around them, the way you speak to yourself, the way you speak to others when that child happens to be around. And it will then dictate what becomes of that child. Now this is really, really important and that's why it's important to monitor the way that you speak to your children. But you know, not to the point of just having so much positive affirmation. That's the only thing that you say. But it's about, you know, there is obviously a fine line, but also not only just the way you speak to your children, but also the way that you speak to yourself around your children. Because your children will learn how to speak to themselves based off of the way you speak to yourself and also the way you speak to, but also the way that you speak to yourself, but also the way you speak to others around your children. Because children are actually like a sponge. They are unconsciously sensing everything around them, especially the adult around them, their parents, attitudes. And they adjust their own self concept based off of what they see and the feedback that they receive. So if you look at that, what's a really good way to use this? Well, research has shown that it's super important to praise a child and based off of their effort rather than innate ability. That way they learn that effort is the important thing to come in, which, because the reason why is because you can control effort, you can't control innate ability. And so it's important to praise them for their effort so they realize that effort is a big thing. To put in positive expectations in a child supports their journey in achieving whatever it is that they want in their positive expectations of themselves versus having a negative expectation of themselves. And so it allows them to learn to start to challenge themselves, to accomplish more. And to have a environment where that's something that is praised is to go for more, to put in the effort to try to become better instead of having just lower expectations for a child. Now, obviously, I know every parent's like, I want to have the best expectations for my children. But. But if you're unaware, you're going to have patterns from your parents and the way that you are parented come in as well. And some of them are good and some of them you want to break. You know, like, for instance, how many of you guys that are listening to podcast had parents who use negative affirmations to get your friends, their children to do what they wanted them to do? You know, like, I remember hearing my friend's parents say stuff like, oh, you'll never amount to anything if you keep doing that. You know, why can't you be more like your brother? Anybody ever heard their friend's parents say that to them? Why are you always so. You're so lazy. No one likes a child that behaves like that. Like, there's all of these things that parents say, you know, sometimes it's just because it's a pattern they learn from their parents, and sometimes it's because they're trying to get their children to do what they want them to do. You know, you're so lazy is what they'll say, thinking that, oh, if I say you're so lazy, then they're going to get up and they're going to clean their room. No, not necessarily. What you're doing is you're actually. You're actually deepening that pattern of laziness within the child. So knowing what you know now with the Pygmalion effect, think about how everything that I just said that we have heard, maybe your parents said it to you, or maybe you heard your friend's parents say it to them of how that affects a child or even just a person's adults, a teenager Whatever it might be, self belief and could completely change the course of their whole lives based off of that. In this, when you speak negatively about somebody, it's the opposite side of the Pygmalion effect, which is actually called the Gollum effect. And so the Golem effect is the negative side of it, which shows that the negative impact on low expectations on a child or another person. So if, if you know, a parent is very skeptical and they just deal with skepticism, or they have very low expectation of their, of a person or a child, it will lead to poor outcomes for that person. And it's a cycle that's frequently seen in education and occupational settings as well. Like so the same way that the Pygmalion effect, the teachers, hey, these are the smarter kids. Well, if a teacher they've actually found, based off of studying teachers and their body language of what children they think are smarter, what children they think are dumber. If a teacher thinks that a child is slower or dumb, a lot of times they put less time into them because in their mind they just have come to the conclusion of what's the point? You know, like what's the point? This child's not getting it anyways. And in turn that child learns and grows less. You know, I've mostly given like childhood and children examples, but the exact same thing is true for adults. For your work environment, for your friendships, for your romantic relationships. And the reason why is because I'm going to say what I said before. Most people are so unaware of themselves even as adults that they are looking to other people to show them who they are. And some of you guys need to hear this because you're so unaware of yourself that you're looking to other people to show you who you are. And so there's a guy named Sterling Livingston that took the Pygmalion effect and tried it out as management styles with all adults in work environments. And he found that it was also true there as well. And so he, it's a thing that he, he created and says now. It's called Pygmalion in management. And so this is one of the things he actually said, and I'm going to quote him, it says some managers always treat their subordinates in a way that leads to superior performance, but most unintentionally treat their subordinates in a way that leads to lower performance than they are capable of achieving. The way managers treat their subordinates is subtly influenced by, by what they expect of them. If managers expectations are high, productivity is likely to be Excellent. If the expectations are low, productivity is likely to be poor. It is as though there were a law that caused subordinates performance to rise and fall to meet the manager's expectations. And so what he basically suggests is that managers often set the performance bar of whoever it is that they're managing or whoever is they're leading through their own expectations, whether they're aware of it or not. If they have high expectations, not like ridiculously high, like hey, we're going to sell $12 million this month when you've never cracked 100,000, but higher expectations and true belief in getting there and your people being able to get there. And just in general in your people, high expectations tend to yield higher productivity. Lower expectations stifle people's potential. And so Livingston's analysis shows and highlights the fundamental truth that our reality and people around us, all of this is changeable and it's subject to our own perceptions of the world around us. And so when a manager has high expectations, employees are more productive, they're more committed, they're more innovative. On the other side, when they have low expectations of people or a specific person, there's a massive decrease in the employees performance and their engagement as well. So when we look at this, basically what it's saying is our expectations of people that are around us, whether that's a child, whether that's an adult, whether that is our friend, whether that is our significant other, what we expect of them is going to change the way that we interact with them. And based off the way that we interact with them, they are usually going to show up and prove our expectations of them true. So how can we use this? How can we use it to make our own lives better, but also make other people, other people's lives around us better as well? Well, the first thing is this. I recommend that you set high but realistic expectations. So it's really important to believe in the potential of children, of the people who work with you, of your significant other, of your friends. But in these expectations they need to be attainable, but really more than anything else at the pace of their development, if it's a child or to allow someone to expand themselves a little bit because you just start, I believe that you can get there. I know you've never been there before, but I believe that you can get to X amount in sales this month. And so it's important to set realistic but high but realistic expectations and to really try to not lie, but try to convey through your words, through your body language, through your belief, the belief of that person so they can start to believe in themself more. Because when they do believe in themself more, they put more work into it. So that's the first thing. Second thing is to provide consistent feedback. Positive reinforcement should be specific and focused on the person's effort. And so when you take this approach, it will build the confidence of the people that you're around, the people that you work with, your children, all of that. So that when they do come up with challenges and they see those challenges in front of them, they don't get crippled by them, but they see them as opportunities to learn and opportunities to grow. So that's the second thing. Number three is, and this is very important, right, is to model the behavior that you want. You can't just tell someone to be something and then not do it yourself. If you're a manager, you can't just tell someone, hey, you need to go work hard and go for this to hit your goals. And then you're clocking out three hours before the end of the day and you're showing up late. Like, you need to actually model the behavior that you want. If you're a parent, be the type of person you want your children to be. You can't tell your children to be kind and then be flipping somebody off on the street. And your child's watching you do that, right? Or be screaming out the window or throwing your coffee cup behind you to try to land on the car behind you because they cut you off a mile down the road, whatever it might be. You have to model the behavior that you want. You can't just tell someone to be a certain way. So children learn by, you know, by observing adults. That's why a lot of times, you know, when you get to your 30s, 40s, 50s, you're like, oh, my God, I'm so much like my mom. I'm so much like my dad. Because you model what you, you know, you. You learn from what is shown to you. So, you know, if. If you want your children to. To persevere, to work hard, to be curious, to be kind, to be loving, to be respectful, be that. That you want to see in your children. Same thing is for managers. How do you want your team members to be? You want them to be hardworking, be hardworking. You want to be resilient? Be. Be resilient. You need to embody what you want of that person. And then the last thing is very important is to create an environment of encouragement. You know, so many of us and so many people that I know, and so many people I speak to were raised where parents didn't know anything about psychology. None of them had their psychology degrees, any of that. And so they raised them based off of negative reinforcement. You know, the average child is reprimanded eight times more than they're praised, which means the average child thinks they're doing something wrong or there's something wrong with them. Eight times more they think there's something right with them. So a lot of parenting in the past has been raised, has been raising children based off of negative reinforcement. You know, so whether it's at home, whether it's at work, whether it's in the classroom, what we want to do is create an encouraging atmosphere that celebrates small victories, that challenges people to be better and provide support when someone is challenged, and help them really create a positive self image of themselves. Because whatever someone believes of themself, they're going to go out and create in the world. And so if we want our children, if we want our people that we lead, if we want our friends, if we want our significant others to be better people to challenge themselves, to believe in themself more, we want, we must first embody that and create an environment where that is possible. Hey, thanks so much for watching this video. Based off of what you watch, YouTube thinks that you should be clicking this video and watching this one next. And if you want to subscribe so you don't miss any more videos, click that button right there.