#754: Finding Yourself After Loss

I think self belief makes me happier. I think respect for people respecting me is almost ego.

Okay?

Because when it comes down to it, if I have self belief, I don't need people's respect.

The story you're about to hear is real. A real client working with David Holman to achieve extraordinary results. David has worked with high performers such as Olympic athletes and business owners, as well as those looking to develop meaningful relationships. Aside from names and certain characteristics which have been changed to protect clients confidentiality, all other details are true. This special season is brought to you by the Self Belief Chief podcast.

We.

Continue from the last episode. Speaking to someone who'd been attacked by their ex partner, I mentioned about how those sorts of incidents and moments can shake our identity and I want to help him realign to his very best self, maybe a version of him that he's never met before. I'm going to take him through a values based exercise to uncover various layers that are going to surprise him along the way and actually that he can see he's made it a bit more difficult to enjoy life as many of us do. I want you to really pay attention, close attention to some of the questions that I'm asking. Some of them will sound like very similar questions, but I'm really trying to get to the heart of the matter. And when we start hitting the core, notice how his physiology changes, how he talks with more freedom, and how he finally gets to become who he's always wanted to be. As we begin the episode, I've just asked him what values does he think he's been living by up until now? Let's get into the episode.

I think probably helping others has been at the top.

Helping others, okay.

Probably followed by love, integrity, honesty, being a gentleman.

What order do these values have to be in for you to be as happy as you could possibly be? There are three things you can do. You can change the order, you can take some out and you can put in new ones.

Top of the list has to be integrity happy with myself knowing my own value.

Why does integrity make you happy?

A sense of certainty. To have integrity you would know your mind, have the certainty in your actions and whatever other people may perceive about you know their their perception of things to be certain in yourself.

Okay. Why does certainty make you happy?

Because it prevents or reduces anxiety and procrastination.

Okay, I'm going to ask a load of annoying questions, so bear with me. Why does reducing anxiety make you happy?

Because I'm not worrying about what other people think, what other people are doing, whether My actions are hurting other people and having a worry that I'm not being fair to myself or others.

If you're not worrying, what does that allow you to do instead of worrying?

Get things done. People.

Good. What was that last bit?

Communicate better with people.

Communicate better with people. Good. Why does communicating better with people make you happy?

I feel more confident.

Feel more confident. Good. Why does confidence make you happy? I promise this will, this interrogation will end soon.

But it's a greater sense of well being and value in myself.

And you said about, you know, one thing, one word you use, therefore is well being. Okay, good. And the other side of it is, you said it allows me to get things done. Doing what things make you happy?

My work. But not being efficient. And the satisfaction and the feeling I get once I know I've done my work to the best of my ability and I'm happy with the results, but also them being able to step away and go and do things without, you know, whether it's the garden or, you know, doing. Doing some bits and pieces for myself or, you know, when I've got the children having the satisfaction of their enjoyment and not having it cluttered with. I've still got to get this done. I haven't done this yet. But this went wrong. What did I do wrong? And various other things.

Good. So the reason I asked sequence of questions is because we're asking the question, what make you as happy as you could possibly be? You said integrity, which nothing wrong with that. Great. But I just wanted to test the waters. Why does integrity make you happy? Well, it gives me certainty. Is certainty about being happy or is it about not feeling unhappy?

Yeah.

So I asked the question, okay, so what, what about certainty? Well, it allows me to do this better do this, but. Well, what does doing those things allow you to do? Or if that's certain of that sorted, what does that you do? Where we got to? You say these words in different way, in a different way to all the other words you're talking about. When you talk about well being or satisfaction or being able to enjoy time with the children, it doesn't have the intensity of integrity and certainty. My argument might be only based on the way that you reacted to talking about each of those parts is that it's not that it's integrity and certainty that make you happy, is that those things allow you to do the things that make you happy. Yeah. So you can keep integrity. By the way, it's not for me to say what should be in this list, but if at the end of that chain was well being. Should well being be on this list?

Yes.

So I went through that line of questioning because I have found over the years this is what all human beings do. We prioritize things, behaviors, values, actions that just keep us secure, that keep us safe to not go through too much trouble. And we do them so that further down the road maybe then maybe we're allowed to enjoy ourselves and be content to be happy. Was actually what we could just be doing is finding out what are we trying to do with these things with, you know, integrity, honesty. Do those things make us happy or do they just open a door for us to allow us to eventually be happy? And let's find out what those things are that actually do make us happier. We won't be happy all the time, but we might as well be consistent in doing the things that would help us enjoy life a lot more. Because isn't that what we really want, to enjoy ourselves more?

Well, I think you're right. I mean, with, well, being in there, children have got to be in there. That's. That's love. You know, there's family in general, but.

Okay, you put family. Yeah.

I think honesty, honesty and integrity kind of go hand in hand.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

So it's almost like an overload or an overkill on that sentiment, isn't it? To a certain degree. So, yeah, you're right. Yeah.

Just parcel it in with integrity. Because if you have integrity, you're honest. Achieving things.

Okay.

Setting a goal or task and achieving it to your own satisfaction gives you that sense of, well, being, that, that glow inside, that. The confidence, quality of life. You know, that's something that I think everybody wants to. Wants to strive for and a value that everybody wants to achieve. I think learning as well. You mentioned learning.

Yeah, good.

Yeah, I love, I love learning new things. You know, I, I re. I've got far too many books just that I love reading and you always learn something different or learn. I'm reading P.G. wodehouse at the moment. I've just bought some Oscar Wilde and all that. You just sort of soak in the language and. Yeah, yeah, I think it's fascinating. And that's good to me, you know, achievement and well being and that kind of thing as well.

Good.

I'll always be a gentleman because that's just how I was brought up.

Does it make you as happy as you could possibly? If it does, great. Does it make you.

Yeah, yeah, I think, you know, maintaining that, that standard, that doesn't lessen to other people going back to the situation developed last week. I was always brought up that when everybody else around you is losing their heads, you keep yours. You know, crisis management, everybody who I went to school with and, you know, who grew up in that environment, you were taught that when there is a crisis, you were the person that people turn to, which I. I hold as a significant value in. And as always, you know, I've been in shops which, you know, we've had guys come in with hammers trying to smash through the windows and stuff. And whilst everybody else is crouching down and gibbering like idiots, I'm the one that was, you know, cool, calm, collected, and just got things done. I think appreciation is very important, not only appreciating my. My own efforts, but also in others as well. You know, saying thank you to, you know, the postman and appreciating the efforts they go through.

Yeah.

Or, you know, I think that's. That's a really important thing.

Good.

Yeah, I think that that kind of in respect and again, not, you know, respecting other people, their. Their lives, their standards, their values, but also respecting my own.

Okay. Why does respect make you happy? Not why is it a good thing or makes you feel good. Why does it make you happy?

I think it's a courtesy. I think it's a. Valuing other people, I think is very important, but it's also as important that they value you.

Yeah, it is important that. Why does it make you happy? I. E. What does respect give you?

Confidence.

Confidence.

Yeah.

What does confidence give you?

Self belief.

Self belief. What does self belief give you?

Well, being so wellbeing.

Okay, so with some of these things, people, as. What I'll show you in a moment is we can often prioritize values that we see as important, but often values we see as important to be able to connect with other people. You don't ever have to think they're not important. They're great things to uphold. Respect, manners, all of that stuff. Again, for you, with respect, respect can absolutely be on this list because respect can be on this list because if it makes you happy, then that's all that matters. But with some of these, I might argue, okay, respect or being a gentleman. Is that the end of that line? Is that where the happiness exists? Or do we imagine the happiness exists later? Because we're doing that and that's a different thing. It's not that that has created happiness. Happiness is actually over here. But we think this is a source to get there. And that isn't the same as that being a value that Makes us happy in and of itself. For you it might be, it might be that in the moment of being respectful that is actually making me happy in that second, in that moment, if it is great, we'll keep it. But if it's not in that second and it's the consequences of it, then let's find out what the thing is down the road. But it's totally up to you.

Actually, I think you've got a fair.

Point in that case. We've got respect. We think respect gives us confidence. Great confidence gives us a sense of self belief. It gives us a sense of well being. We can even stretch well being now and go, right, what does well being? Why does well being make us happy? And you might go, well, what my. Well so for example, someone I did this with last week, they put time in there and I said, well what does time give you? And then they listed all the things that they would love to do, appreciate and love the people. And all this sort of broke up all those different things. And so what we had with inside time was actually 10 values that he really valued. And then they all went in there instead of one thing, that was time. Now he could have put time in there because time can make us, having time can make us happy as well because it gives us a sense of freedom. But that might be what's going on here in terms of that. Well, being allows us from, from what it sounds like to me is space to breathe.

Yeah.

Amongst everything else going on. And when we've got space to breathe, then we can get our head up and we can see the horizon and actually see what matters and that's the stuff that we really value. So my, maybe the way for you to think about is if I'm on the beach and I respect is where the beach is, what's on the horizon.

Respect gives me a sense of self belief because it shows that other people believe in me and it shows, it shows that what I do and how I feel is of value or matters. And I felt for a long time from many different people that are not valued or are not not respected, which has made me feel undervalued and taken for granted.

Self belief. Sometimes we go, we want self belief and we go, I can't get that. So maybe I'll try and settle for getting some respect.

Yeah.

And so we might argue, okay, maybe self belief should be in there instead of respect. I don't know. That's totally up to you. If purely the sound of the word or phrase, the word self belief sounds that Sound makes you happier than the sound of respect or if it gives you a greater sense of ease and freedom and makes you happy in that sense, then let's put that in there.

Well, I think, I think, I think self belief makes me happier. I think respect for people respecting me is almost ego.

Okay.

Because when it comes down to it, if I have self belief, I don't need people's respect.

Good, good. That's a really, it's quite a profound point you make because what one of the problems. I did a talk quite recently on sort of today's generation, I guess, and what's happened was 100 years ago we valued character and today we value personality. Personality is what you show outwardly and externally and receive and. And character is about, you know, what you're actually doing internally and sharing. Yeah, personality is what do I show and get and characters. Who am I and what do I share? When you live through character rather than personality, people a hell of a lot happier. That's why people, reality TV shows where it's all personality and they start get it because personality gets rewarded. Today that's the problem. That's why people are miserable because they try and create the personality rather than develop their own sense of character. I think the difference between respect and self belief in the way that you've described it, is self belief is that character trait and element and getting respect is that sort of external validation, personality thing. What other changes would we make? You do really, really well so far, by the way.

Really well.

What other changes would we make?

I think your points about external validation, if I'm happy in what I do, then I shouldn't need the gratitude and appreciation of other people. There's a sort of pat on the back. And I think that whilst I will always do my best to help other.

People.

Perhaps I've been doing it for the wrong reason, to get that gratitude, to get that respect as a boost to my own feeling of self worth rather than feeling worth enough on my own and that being a byproduct. And I think a lot of those things are sort of helping others. I think courtesy is a good value, but I think, you know, very much like you, it's. It's something that I've been brought up with, you know, to do as the right thing, not necessarily something that makes me happy.

Exactly. Yeah, exactly that. Yeah.

Yeah. And I think, I think fairness comes into that as well. You know, sometimes I'm very fair to other people, overly fair to other people that don't deserve it and in doing so I'm not being fair on myself. Yeah.

Really, really, really, really good. Really good. And we're going to. There'll be a module we'll do at some point, which is about learning to genuinely be able to give unconditionally. When you're able to do that, it doesn't mean you can do it all the time. But when you're able to really do that sincerely, not kind of, I'll try and like sincerely actually feel that we're doing it unconditionally. It absolutely will set you free because welcome to every other human being where what we do. There's three types of relationship. There's a grade A, which is giving unconditionally, which is like the beginning of any intimate relationship. We just do anything and do it unconditionally. Grade B is called trading. I will do this if you do this in return. And then grade C, which is the worst one is I expect you to do this for me.

Yeah.

A lot of relationships start breaking down when they're somewhere between B and C, where it's either trading or in a lot of cases it's, why have you not done this? Why have you not done it? And it's what we just got all these expectations, whereas we don't have to. We don't hold ourselves accountable or have any standards ourselves. Your points are really, really good points. The way you articulated it was also very, very good. It's getting our own house in order so that we're not giving from a place of let me feel better. We're giving from a place of I can really genuinely help you. So that line of thinking that you currently have. Exactly. Let's stick with that and make any other changes based on that type of thinking of stuff that makes you happy as you could possibly be.

Well, I think self belief needs to go probably third.

Third. Okay.

Because actually I think it needs to go to the top. Sorry.

Okay, that's fine. It's fine. You can keep playing around with this.

Yeah. A sense of well being.

Yeah. One more space to add something in or make a change. I think peace, good one.

Followed by quality of life.

How does that make you feel?

Yeah, pretty good.

Good.

Let's play a game where you put a coaching hat on for a moment and see if you can spot what's going on. So the client's previous five values were helping others love, integrity, honesty and being a gentleman. I'll read those again. Helping others love integrity, honesty and being a gentleman. And his new five values are self belief, well being, family, peace and Quality of life, self belief, well being, family, peace, quality of life. So if you want to write down those two lists, if you want to see it in front of you, or if you can remember those two lists roughly, I want you to have a look at them and go, what's the difference between the two lists and what's going to be the different ways of living for this individual? How will his life be different if he prioritises now? Self belief, well being, family, peace and quality of life. Things that he said would make him happier then instead of helping others. Love, integrity, honesty, and being a gentleman. How do you think his life will change if he changes the bullseye for his life, if he changes the target? Well, I'm about to ask the client this very question, and then I'm going to share what I can see as well. I wonder if you got the same answer. Let's find out.

Okay, I'd like you to look at the top five we have on the left here and the top five we have on the right here. What do you see as the difference between those two top fives?

None of them are the same. I mean, love and family, but that's. I mean, looking at it all almost a completely different way. Love in relationships and that kind of thing as well. And actually families. What's. What's really important.

Okay, good. Well, what else do you see as the differences?

I think, well, of those first five, they're all external. They're all things to do with other people.

Okay, so here's what I see. So firstly, the point you made is absolutely right. No, we can't be happy all the time, but we can at least be content. Right. Or try and be content most of the time. But nonetheless, everyone has the target trying to be happy. What I find with most people is if happiness is facing this way, everyone's facing this way.

Yeah.

That their list is nowhere near the target or what actually makes them happy. So here's the difference I see between those top fives. The list on the left, I think, by the way that you described each of them helps you avoid pain.

Yeah.

If I help people enough or if I have enough integrity or if I'm honest or if I'm a gentleman, then I won't experience as much pain. And I say that because you literally said those words at one point.

Yeah.

The list on the right helps you access pleasure.

Yeah. It's great to see the smile on a client's face when they start to see what the bullseye for their life is, because we all want to enjoy ourselves or be content or find some happiness. But I find most people just don't know what that bullseye looks like. He now knows, not because I said what it is, but he's told me. Family, well being, self belief, peace, quality of life, they're his values. And he can make all his decisions or choose the actions he's going to take or follow a direction for his life, all based on those five values as his North Star. As a Bullseye, you can do the same to find out what that bullseye is for you to make life easier, to enjoy yourself more doesn't always have to be so complicated. Now, the next step I do with this client is showing them how to meet those values all of the time by investing in lots of different places to meet each of those values. Not just achieve that value in one place, but achieve it in 50 different ways so that they always have those values every single day and they're never without them. But I just wanted to show you this initial step, because once you know that bullseye, the weight that comes off your shoulders, the hope that you then have, you realize that we've been over complicating it for such a long period of time. And I remember someone doing this exercise with me, and I just realized how difficult I was making things. I did this exercise with this client, as I said after the situation, the attack that he'd been under, it can shake our identity, Something that I think he'd been questioning already. Anyway, I wanted not only firm it up, but make him so unbelievably compelled by this new vision, this new identity, one that I'd actually get him to give a name to as well, a new name, so that he can always go back to and return to that identity. And in the future, he can continue to look after himself because he can always make an adjustment to those five values. He can always introduce a new one and take one out, just to keep making things better and keep improving things. And you can do exactly the same. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day, enjoy the rest of your life, and I'll speak to you again soon. It.