Why Do You Keep Choosing the Same Person

Her name was Jessica. She was 34 years old. She was smart, she was very, very beautiful, and she had a successful career. She'd been single for about two years and decided that she was ready to get back out here and start dating. She was ready for something real. Ready to find the one. So she downloaded the apps, she went on a few dates and met somebody that she liked. Let's call him Marcus. Marcus was charming. He was smooth. He was attentive at first, but after three weeks, he started pulling away. He started texting less, and he started canceling plans they made. And Jessica, well, she wasn't having that. So what she did was she doubled down, she texted more, she showed up at his place unannounced. She even made herself more available to him because her whole thinking was that she needed to prove that she was worth choosing. And Marcus, he left. So that's so Jessica ain't give up. She tried again. She tried with a new guy, but it was the same story. He pulled away. She chased harder. He left. This happened five times in two years. Different men, different faces, same ending. And Jessica called me one day, and she asked, what's wrong with me? Why do I keep choosing the wrong person? And I told her straight up. I said, yo, Jessica, there's nothing wrong with you. You're not choosing the wrong person. You're just stuck in the same cycle that you can't see. It's what I call a loop. She asked me, what do you mean? So I told her, what I want you to do is I want you to take this assessment I created that I give to all of my coaching clients and couples so that you can be able to see exactly what it is that you're doing and exactly who you are. But before you take the assessment, I can almost guarantee that it's going to tell you that you're a chaser. Because the truth is, Jessica, until you see the loop, you'll keep repeating it. So she eventually went and took the accessory. But before we get into that, let me ask you. Have you ever felt like you're dating the same person in different bodies? If so, this episode is for you. Welcome to the Intact Life podcast. If this is your first time here, I'm Shump Sadine hakeem. And for 25 years, I've been coaching people through relationship patterns, helping them to find that match and find that true love. But before I coached anyone else, I had to first coach myself, because I was stuck in a loop. Also, I was what you would call a fixer. See, I Dated someone for several years who couldn't love me back. And I stayed. Not because I was weak, but because I believe my value was in being needed by that person. She was broken. And I thought I. She was broken. And I thought that I could fix her. I thought if I just loved her hard enough that she'd heal. And when she was healed, she finally loved the way I loved her. She ended up leaving. And she left me for someone who didn't try to fix her, someone who just accepted her as she was. And when she left, I didn't just grieve the relationship. I grieved the time we spent together. Because it took away several years of my life. Several years I was trying to save someone who didn't even ask to be saved. And I asked myself, why did I do that? Why did I ignore every red flag? Why did I make excuses for behavior I never tolerate from anyone else? And why did I day when everyone told me to leave? What I realized is it wasn't about her. It was all about me. I chose her because she was broken, because being needed made me feel valuable. That was my loop, my womb, my pattern. And once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it. So I studied. I studied attachment theory, childhood wounds. I studied relationship psychology. I coach hundreds of people. And I discovered something. There are seven pattern loops. Not 100, not 50, just seven. And if you're listening right now, you're stuck in one of them. By the end of this episode, you'll know which one. And once you know, you can break it. So let's dive in. Let me tell you about Marcus. Though Marcus was 29, he'd been in three serious relationships, and every single one ended the same way. She wanted to meet his family. She'd talk about the future. They'd move in together, and Marcus would panic, pull away, find reasons why it wasn't the right time. Eventually, she'd leave, and Marcus would feel relieved. Until six months later when he was lonely and regretted it. Marcus thought he just hadn't found the right person. But I had to tell Marcus straight up, yo, bruh, you're not looking for the right person. You're running from vulnerability. You're a fortress. And here's what I told him and what I'm telling you. You're not choosing different people. You're choosing the same feeling in different bodies. Think about your last three relationships. Not the beginning, not the honeymoon phase, but the end. How did you feel? Did you feel anxious? Like you were always chasing or always trying to prove yourself? Or were you always wondering if they really wanted? Or did you feel suffocated, like they wanted too much, like they were moving too fast and you just needed to escape? Or did you feel exhausted, like you were doing all the emotional labor and they were just coasting, not doing much, not matching your energy? That feeling is your pattern loop. And you keep choosing people who trigger that feeling. Not because you're self destructive, but because it's familiar. Your nervous system recognizes it. Your subconscious says, I know this feeling. This is love. But it's not love. It's a loop. And every loop has three stages I want you to remember. Stage one is the trigger. This is where something happens that activates that wound inside of you. Stage two is fear. Where your deepest fear gets poked and it gets awakened. And stage three is the coping mechanism. This is where you do the thing that you always do and that coping mechanism, that's where you're stuck. So let's identify it. Here are the seven pattern loops. Pattern loop number one is the chaser. The chaser is attracted to the emotionally unavailable people. The moment someone is all in, they lose interest. But the moment someone pulls away their hook. Let me give you four signs. You're a chaser. Sign number one, you always text first. Like 80% of the time, you're the one initiating. Sign number two, you're more attracted when they pull away. When they're distant, you're obsessed. When they're not showing you enough attention, when they're present, you're bored. Sign number three, you think that if I just do more, they'll choose me. You're negotiating for love. Sign number four is you stay way past the expiration date. You're you're years in this situationship that never becomes a relationship. If you're nodding your head right now like, yeah, that's me or that's me, any one of them signs, then you're a chaser. Now there are 12 total signs. And if you're hearing yourself in these four, then you need to all 12. I created a free PDF, the Complete Pattern Loop Guide with all 12 signs for all seven loops, plus the full six stage cycle for each. Click the link in the show notes at the bottom or go to Intact Life.com Pattern Loops and download it. This takes about 30 seconds. Click the link in the show notes to go ahead and download it right now. Now, here's how the chaser loop works. First you have the trigger. Let's say that they don't text back, or maybe they cancel plans because they're just busy. Not because they're not interested in you, but they're just busy because life happens. So what happens next is the next stage is fear. This is where you begin to fear that they're losing interest, that I'm not enough, that they're going to leave me. The next stage is you have your coping mechanism. This is where you chase harder. You double text, you show up unannounced. You prove your worth. And here's what happens. Short term, they respond. You feel validated. See, they do care. That's what you keep telling yourself. In the long term, your self worth erodes. You spend years chasing people who will never choose you chasers. You're not desperate. You're anxiously attached. And there's a way out. But first you have to see the loop. So go ahead and download the guide and let's keep going. Pattern loop number two is the fortress. The fortress keeps everyone at arm's length. The moment someone wants commitment, they feel suffocated. They tell themselves they're independent or not ready or they're focused on their career. But really, they're terrified of vulnerability. Here's four signs you're a fortress. Sign number one is you've been single for three plus years by choice and you're proud of it. Sign number two, you're emotionally unavailable, but physically present. You'll hang out, have sex, go on dates, but you won't go deep. Number three, you think vulnerability equals weakness. Crying in front of someone, that's something that you'll never do. Sign number four, the moment they want more, you want out. Commitment feels like suffocation. If this is you, then you're a fortress. Here's the cycle you're stuck in. The trigger is the relationship gets serious. They want to meet your family. They want to talk about the future. They want to see where you are. They want a dtr, which is defines a relationship. And your fear is, if I let them in, I'll get hurt. If I commit, I'll lose myself. Your coping mechanism is you pull away and you create distance. You find flaws in them. You say I'm not ready. You pick. You pick at the smallest thing they do. The way they chew their food, the way they sit down, the way they breathe. It'll be the smallest thing you'll make, the biggest flaw just so that you can run. And here's what happens. In the short term, your walls are up, you're safe. You have your autonomy back. But in the long term, you have chronic loneliness. You leave good people and you never Experience deep intimacy fortresses. You're not cold, you're not unfeeling, you're avoidantly attached. And there's a way to let love in without losing yourself. But first you have to see the loop. Go ahead and click that link in the show notes if this sounds like you. Pattern loop number three is the fixer. Now this was me, so I'm going a little bit deeper here because the fixer is attracted to broken people. Not successful people, not emotionally healthy people, but people who are broken. And life has broken them, A situation has broken them. They just broken all together. They think that they can save them, that they can heal them or even fix them. And they stay years past the expiration date because they need. They have this feeling to where they keep telling themselves that this person, they need me. So here's what fixers don't understand is that you're confusing being needed with being loved. Here's four signs you're a fixer. Sign number one is you're attracted to people with potential. You don't date who they are, you date who they could be. Sign number two, you become their therapist, not their partner. You're processing their childhood trauma at 2am in the morning rather than just being with them and being present and enjoying who they are. Sign number three, you make excuses for their behavior. They're just going through something or they've been hurt before or this is the way that they deal with it. And sign number four is you feel responsible for their healing. If they don't get better, than it's your fault. Now if this is you, then you're a fixer. And here's the cycle you're stuck in. The trigger is you meet someone broken and they share their trauma. They say, no one understands me like you do. The fear is, if I don't help, then who will? If I leave, then I'm abandoning them. And if I'm not needed, I have no value. Your coping mechanism is you over function. You sacrifice your needs. You enable their dysfunction because you think you're helping them. And here's what happens. In the short term, you feel needed, you feel valuable, you have purpose. But in the long term, you spend years in toxic relationships. Your own needs are neglected, you burn out, and eventually they leave you anyway. For someone who doesn't try to fix them, fixers, you're not a hero, you're codependent. And your need to be needed is destroying you. But there's a way to heal. Go ahead and download the guide and let's keep Going on to pattern loop number four. The performer. Now the performer becomes whoever their partner wants them to be. They lose themselves trying to be perfect. They mold to fit. They over give in. Six months in, they don't even recognize themselves anymore. They look in the mirror trying to figure out who they are, who they become. Because they're not that person that they are. Because they're putting on a performance to please the partner that they're with. The trigger is that you have a new relationship and they want to be loved. So you start performing. The fear is if they see the real me, that they'll leave me. Your coping mechanism is that you perform. You hide your authentic self and you say yes when you mean no. Performers. You're not selfless. You're just abandoning yourself, Abandoning who you are, your own passion, your own dreams, your own goals. So that you can make sure that the person that you've chosen to be with is getting everything they're needing while you're slowly dying inside. Pattern loop number five is the ghost. Now, the ghost disappears when things get real around month three to six, sometimes even sooner than that. When vulnerability is required, they vanish. They ghost. Instead of having hard conversations. The trigger is that the relationship deepens and commitment is expected. But they're not going to give that. They're not going to step into a deeper relationship. They're not going to be committed any more than they are now. So they ghost you. And the fear is, if I stay, I'll get hurt. This is too real. Your coping mechanism is you disappear. You avoid and you create an exit ghost. You're not protecting yourself. You're running from what you want. Pattern loop number six. The settler. The settler stays in mediocre relationships because they're afraid no one better will come along. They tell themselves constantly, this is good enough. At least I'm not alone. But deep down, they're not truly happy and they really are alone. The trigger is friends get engaged. Age milestones, Panic about being alone. The fear is, I'm running out of time. What if no one better comes along? Your coping mechanism is you stay with someone you're not excited about. You were excited at one time and it was very convincing. It looked very promising. But you lost that excitement because you settled for them. And you know that you settled. So you convince yourself good enough is just good enough. And you stay there. Settlers. You're not being realistic. You're just selling yourself short when you know you can have a lot more. Pattern loop number seven. The rusher. The rusher falls in love in two weeks, they say, I love you. By date five, they mistake intensity for intimacy. They rush to commitment because they're terrified of losing the potential. The trigger is you meet someone new, you feel a spark. Their fear is, what if I lose them? What if this is my only chance? Your coping mechanism is you accelerate everything. You say I love you too soon. You plan the future prematurely. I mean, you're already planning marriage after two weeks of being, of seeing this person and knowing this person rushes. You're not passionate, you're anxious, and you're building on fantasy, not reality. Now, there are 12 signs for each of these loops. If you download the full guide in the show notes below, click that link and you'll be able to know exactly what these signs are for each one of these loops. So which one do you think you are? Be honest for a moment. Maybe you heard yourself in one loop, maybe you heard yourself in three. Let me tell you what happened when I finally saw my loop. I was a fixer. And for several years, I tried to save someone who didn't want to be saved. I ignore red flags. I made excuses. I told myself that she just needs time. She just needs the right kind of love. She needs my love. Because my love's going to heal her. It's going to save her. It's gonna help her to be the person that I see who she is. And I gave everything, and she still left for someone else, someone who didn't try to fix her. And I was devastated. Not just because she left, but because I had wasted years. Years I could have spent building myself, years I could have spent with someone who actually wanted to be with me. But here's what I learned. It wasn't about her. It was about me. I chose her because she was broken. Because being needed made me feel valuable. Because I didn't believe I was enough just as I was. That was my womb. That was my loop. And once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it. So I did the work. I went to therapy, I got coaching, I studied, and I created the intact framework. This is where you identify your pattern. You nurture yourself, transform your beliefs. Action through communication, connection through healthy choices. Trust the process and become intact, become whole. That's what this podcast is about. That's what intact life is about. It's about breaking the loop. So let's go ahead and break yours.

So here's what I want you to do. If you're single and you're looking for somebody to date, I want you to go ahead and take the Intact assessment. What the assessment is going to do is tell you what your pattern loop is, what your dating mode is. And it's going to give you a compatibility profile so that you know who you should date and who you should avoid. And within the next 12 to 24 hours, you'll get this personalized breakdown. See, me and my team, we personally review each and every single assessment. So click the link in the show notes below and go ahead and take the assessment. It takes about seven minutes. Now, if you're already in a relationship, which I want you to do, is ask yourself these five questions. Does my partner help me break my loop or do they trigger it? Do I feel safe being unproductive around them? Do they reciprocate care or just receive mine? Do they challenge my patterns or enable them? Do I feel more myself with them or less? If the answers are mostly no, then you might be in a relationship that's keeping you stuck. And that's hard to hear. I know, trust me, I've heard it before. But you can't break your loop if your partner is reinforcing it. So here's your choice. Option one is, you have the conversation, Tell them what you need, see if they can grow with you. Option two, if they can't or they won't, then you might need to let them go. Because the right person won't make you choose between them and your healing. They'll be part of your healing. Now that's what compatibility is. And if you want me to walk you through your results personally, upgrade to the full intact assessment and you'll get a free 30 minute coaching call. For $20, I'll tell you exactly who you should date and exactly who you should avoid. So here's what I want you to do right now. Go ahead and click on the link in the show notes and take the intact assessment. It's about seven minutes and it's going to tell you exactly what your pattern loop is and your power triangle. And within 12 to 24 hours, you'll get a personalized breakdown, not some generic quiz with results that tell you that you two like these things or you should find somebody that likes this. No, it's going to be a real analysis of where you are, who you should date and who you should avoid. And if you want to go deeper, if you want me to personally walk you through breaking your loop and finding the right match, you can upgrade to the full intact assessment. That includes a 30 minute coaching call with me. For just $20, you can upgrade to the full intact assessment. That includes a 15 minute coaching call with me for just $20. That's it, $20. And I will show you exactly how to break your loop. Because here's the truth. You're not broken and you're not damaged. You're not too much or you're not enough. You're just stuck in the loop. And loops can be broken, but you first have to identify them. I broke my loop and I've helped hundreds of people break theirs. And I can help you break yours. So go take the assessment now. Before I let you go, let me tell you what's going on. This week. In episode two, we're going to talk.

About a person that I like to.

Call the Orphan King. Now I'm going to introduce you to someone, a real person, a real client. Of course I'm going to change his name and keep, you know, self identifying information private. But his name is cedric and he's 42. At the time when I was coaching him and he was one of my clients who was actually engaged. Since then he's been married. But as he was going through the coaching with me, he was planning for his wedding while at the same time building a legacy. And let me tell you, on paper, man, he was winning. He was everything. He's that dream God that most of the women that I coach dream of having. But when I looked at his intact assessment results, I saw something that really broke my heart. He was a man so focused on being the father he never had that he was destroying the father his kids needed. I identified his pattern loop. I helped him to break it and to send them on the right course and to focus on the things that were most important. Now let me tell you something. If you've ever felt like you had to earn love to through exhaustion, if you've ever believed that rest is weakness, and if you've ever sacrificed your health, your needs, yourself to prove you're not like the people who failed you, then episode two is for you. And then we're going to go into episode three. And what I'm going to show you in episode three is the exact kind of person that an orphaned king should date. So after you meet Cedric, you're going to ask the question everyone asks. Okay, I see my loot now. Who should I date? Who's a good match for me? And episode three answers that I'm going to break down the best matches for the type of pattern loop that you're in for the dating mode that you're in. I'm gonna give you the three types that help you break your loop. I'm gonna show you the worst matches for the dating mode you're in for the pattern loop that you have and the three types that keep you stuck. I'm gonna give you some green flags you can look for some red flags to run from. And I'm gonna show you how Cedric actually was able to redefine his match that he had in his fiance and how his fiance challenged him and celebrated him for doing the things that were necessary to produce a great relationship, but also to make him into an even better person than he was. This is practical dating intelligence with real compatibility science. And I'm giving you the blueprint for how to date differently and date effectively effectively. Also. Join me on my Tick Tock lives where I'll be breaking down people live on Tick Tock, coaching them through exactly what their pattern loop is, exactly how to break it, and the type of persons that they should actually be looking for in this dating world. Help individuals get an understanding of exactly where they are and where they want to go in this crazy dating world, because this is dating differently again. Go ahead and subscribe. Click on the social links with TikTok and Instagram down there and follow me. Share the podcast and remember, I'm your guy, Shump Sadine Hakeem. And this is the intact life where we live intact love intact. We break those patterns and we build love. And I'll see you in the next episode.