When Nothing Else Works, Try This [AI]

ever feel like you're kind of like at war with yourself, battling your own thoughts and feelings, like, constantly?

Oh, totally. That's such a relatable struggle.

Well, today's deep dive, it might just give you a whole new perspective on this whole inner battle thing. We're going to be diving into When Nothing Else Works, Try This.

Ah, good stuff.

Yeah. And obviously all the brilliant work of Dr. Ted Klonce.

It's amazing, right? What I love about this approach is it's not about, you know, slapping on a Band-Aid. It's not about those external fixes.

Right. It's not like those surface-level self-help things.

Exactly. This is about going deep, like really understanding who you are at your core. And this is the big one, making peace with all those parts, even the messy ones.

Oh, the messy, beautiful parts, right? It's so easy to get caught up in that hustle, you know, always chasing those external goals.

Oh, for sure.

We forget to just like stop and check in with ourselves.

Exactly.

And this book, it really hits home with this one line. It says, unless, until, and to the degree that we make peace with those parts of ourselves, we are at war with ourselves, a war that we will never win and that will eventually destroy us.

That's like seriously heavy stuff.

Right.

But it highlights how important this inner work is, you know, and to help us navigate that inner world, Dr. Clancy uses this really cool tree metaphor.

Okay, I'm a sucker for a good metaphor, so lay it on me.

All right, so picture a tree, right? The roots, the part hidden underground, that's your authentic self.

Okay.

All those core feelings, the beliefs, the experiences that make you, you. But, and here's the thing, we often neglect those roots.

We push them down.

Yeah. Sometimes we even reject them.

It's like when you, like, try to stuff down those uncomfortable emotions, right? Or ignore those parts of yourself that you just don't want to look at.

Exactly. And then you've got the trunk. That's your external identity. Think of it as what you show to the world, your achievements, your roles, you know, the face you present.

So the trunk is all about like how we want others to see us.

Yeah.

Which isn't always the same as who we really are deep down.

Exactly. And lastly, you've got the canopy, and that represents your spiritual or philosophical beliefs, like your search for meaning and purpose.

The big why questions.

Precisely. So think about your own life for a sec. Are you nurturing all parts of your tree? Ooh. Or are those roots, you know, kind of withering while you're busy building this flashy trunk and searching for answers up in the canopy?

Man, that image is really resonating with me right now. And you know, this book, it doesn't shy away from the tough stuff either. It even looks at suicide through this lens of an internal war.

Yeah, absolutely. There's this like really heartbreaking story about a friend of Dr. Klonce, and tragically she lost her battle with her inner demons.

Wow.

And it's a reminder that success, money, fame, none of that makes us immune to these internal struggles.

It's so easy to look at someone, especially someone who seems to have it all, and think, oh, they must be at peace.

Right.

But this story, it highlights how universal this battle really is.

And that's why cultivating self-love and compassion is so important. You know, Dr. Clance talks about this in a really relatable way. He says whenever he notices his wife's wrinkles or he's thinking maybe she's not looking as young as she used to, he instantly recognizes it as his own internal war playing out.

Whoa, that's deep. So you're saying that we project our own insecurities onto others? Yeah, especially the people we're closest to.

Absolutely. It's like a human thing, right? We all do it to some extent.

Have you, have you ever noticed yourself doing that? Because, oh my gosh, I know I have.

Oh, we all have. We all have. But being aware of it, that's, that's the game changer, right? Because if we're constantly at war with ourselves, it's bound to affect our relationships.

So how do we actually start making peace with those roots, those parts of ourselves we've been neglecting? Because I don't know about you, but that inner war can be exhausting.

So true. Well, that's where the book introduces this really practical method called the Befriending Our Visitors Protocol. And it's all about identifying, understanding, and accepting those difficult feelings, thoughts, urges, all that stuff that pops up.

Okay. Befriending our visitors. I'll be honest, that sounds a little out there, but I'm intrigued. Break it down for me.

So instead of pushing away those uncomfortable feelings or trying to like wrestle them into submission, imagine them as visitors.

Like unwelcome houseguests.

Exactly. But instead of ignoring them or, you know, kicking them out, you acknowledge their presence, but with curiosity and even compassion. The book even suggests visualizing these visitors, maybe even drawing them or finding an object that represents them, which can make them feel less intimidating.

Interesting. So it's like giving those abstract feelings a physical form almost.

Yeah.

So you can actually have a conversation with them.

Right. And that's the next step. Once you have that external representation, you can engage in that compassionate dialogue. You know, ask things like, what are you trying to tell me? Or what do you need from me?

So it's like treating these visitors as allies instead of enemies, trying to understand their message instead of silencing them.

Exactly. You're shifting from a mindset of resistance to one of acceptance and curiosity.

Okay. That's a pretty radical shift.

It is. The book shares a story about Shane, the author, and how he was initially skeptical of this whole befriending our visitors thing. He decided to draw his loneliness, which he visualized as this big empty space.

Mm-hmm.

And through that process, he discovered that his loneliness actually stemmed from constantly distracting himself with his phone instead of connecting with the people around him.

Wow. See, that's amazing, right? Sometimes those things that we try to avoid, they hold the most valuable lessons.

Absolutely. And speaking of lessons, Shane shares this other great anecdote about his lie word, "great." His lie word.

Okay, now I'm really curious.

Yeah.

So he just goes around saying "great" all the time. What's wrong with a little positivity?

Well, it turns out Schütten realized he was using "great" as like a shield, you know? Yeah. To avoid being vulnerable, to avoid those real honest conversations, like even in his closest relationships, he'd just slap on a "great." instead of actually sharing how he was feeling.

I think we're all guilty of that sometimes, right? Putting on that brave face when we're actually struggling.

Oh, totally. But what's really eye-opening is how even those tiny, seemingly harmless lies can create distance in our relationships.

It's like the subtle erosion of trust.

Exactly. So it makes you wonder, right? Do you have a lie word?

Hmm. Good question. I don't know about a specific word, but I've definitely caught myself deflecting when what I really need to do is like be present and honest.

It's so easy to fall into those patterns. It made me think about how even those subtle forms of dishonesty, they can hinder our connection with others and even with ourselves.

So this protocol, it's not just about like befriending those big scary emotions. It's about being really honest about those little habits that might be holding us back.

You got it. And speaking of uncovering hidden patterns, this book also delves into something called the Six Human Needs. Have you ever heard of this?

Oh, yeah. The BASPC acronym.

That's the one.

It's so true. Once you hear it, it just clicks.

Totally. Belonging, autonomy, safety, security, self-expression, purpose, and connection.

Okay, I'm taking notes.

The book suggests that every single thing we do, like every choice we make, boils down to trying to get one or more of these needs met.

It's like when you snap at your partner over something totally insignificant and then you realize later it's because you were feeling ignored, like your need for connection was just not being met.

Oh, 100%. We've all been there. We react defensively instead of realizing, hey, you know what? My need for respect, for autonomy, it's just not being met right now.

So true. Okay, so understanding these 6 human needs, that's great. But how do we actually use this knowledge to create positive change?

Well, I think it starts with self-awareness. Like, take some time to reflect which of these needs are most important to you. You can even rank them. What are your top 3?

Oh, that's a good one. For me, I think it would have to be connection, definitely purpose, and then probably autonomy. I'm a big picture person. I'm all about making a difference and having the freedom to do it my way.

I love that. Perfect example. Now think about how those needs actually drive your choices and your behaviors, both the good and, you know, not so good. Like when you're feeling super fulfilled, energized, which needs are being met in those moments? And conversely, when you're feeling stressed, frustrated, which ones are being neglected?

Oh, that's such a good point. It's like those aha moments when you realize, oh, my procrastination, it's not just laziness, it's actually tied to my need for safety and security.

Exactly.

Like, I'm so afraid of failing, so I just avoid taking action altogether.

Yes. It's so common. By understanding that root cause, it empowers us to make more conscious choices and create a life that's more aligned with what we truly value.

Exactly.

And the book's got all these other tools too to help us on that journey of self-discovery. Discovery. One that really stood out to me was the boardroom metaphor.

The boardroom? What's that?

Oh, it's so good. Basically, it helps us understand how different parts of ourselves can be in conflict. Like, we have all these different voices, right?

Yes.

Each with their own agenda, their own perspective, kind of like a board of directors in a company.

I love that.

Yeah. And instead of letting these parts, like, fight for control we can learn to listen to each one with compassion and respect.

It's like you're the mediator for your inner committee.

Exactly.

Acknowledging each voice, weighing their input, and then ultimately, you know, making a decision that honors everyone's needs.

Love that. You're not trying to silence or suppress any part of yourself. It's more about integrating them, creating a harmonious whole.

Harmonious whole. I like that. It's not about achieving this, like, perfect state of inner peace where we never experience a negative emotion again, right? It's about learning to relate to those emotions in a healthier way.

Yes, and that's the beauty of this self-discovery journey. It's a process, not a destination. There's always something new to learn, more to uncover about ourselves and to embrace. Absolutely. And the book also talks about this fascinating technique called neurographics. Have you heard of this?

Neuro what now? Is that some new age therapy thing?

It might sound a little out there, but it's actually rooted in neuroscience. It's based on the idea that language can sometimes be limiting, especially when you're trying to express emotions. So Neurographix uses things like drawing and coloring to bypass those limitations and tap into our subconscious.

So it's like doodling your feelings?

Kind of.

Okay, I can get behind that. I'm a terrible artist, but I've always found something very therapeutic about just letting go and seeing what comes out on the page.

That's exactly it. It allows you to access deeper emotions and beliefs that you might not even be able to put into words. Shane, the author, talks about how he uncovered this hidden fear that was affecting one of his relationships, and he did it simply by drawing a wall in his picture and then having a conversation with it.

Wow. Okay. That's kind of blowing my mind right now.

Hmm.

So you don't even have to be good at drawing to benefit from it. It's more about the process of, like, externalizing those inner feelings.

Yes, precisely. It's like giving those subconscious visitors that we were talking about earlier a totally different way to communicate with you. And it can be so revealing. Now, here's a really simple but powerful communication tip from the book that I think everyone can benefit from.

Okay, I'm listening.

It's all about eliminating questions in favor of statements.

Wait, what? No more questions? How am I supposed to, like, get to know someone or understand a situation without asking questions?

Right. It sounds counterintuitive, but think about it. Questions, especially the why kind, they can put people on the defensive.

It's like an interrogation instead of a conversation.

Exactly. So instead of asking, why are you so upset? You could try saying, "I'm sensing that you're feeling upset." Subtle but powerful. Right. It shifts the energy from, like, blame to empathy.

It creates this safe space for vulnerability.

Yes. And speaking of vulnerability, one of the most touching parts of this book has to be the email exchange between Shane and his father.

Oh, yes. Where his dad opens up about struggling with depression.

That's the one. And it's such a powerful example of how vulnerability can transform relationships.

And it all stemmed from those 3 simple questions.

Oh yeah. Shane sent his dad those questions. What am I not saying that needs to be said? What am I saying that is not being heard? And what's being said that I'm not hearing?

It's amazing, right? Those are powerful questions.

They are.

But they're phrased in such a compassionate and insightful way.

Absolutely.

And those questions prompted his dad to share something so incredibly personal.

It just goes to show the power of honest communication.

And the courage it takes to be vulnerable, to be truly seen. You know, it's easy to think about this inner work as something we do just for ourselves. Like it's almost selfish, this pursuit of happiness. But I don't know, the more we've talked about this, the more I'm realizing that finding peace within has this ripple effect.

Huge ripple effect, for sure.

It's not just contained to us.

It's like that Gandhi quote, be the change, right? Like, if we're at war with ourselves—judgmental, negative—we can't help but project that outwards. Oh, it's so true.

Sometimes without even realizing it. Hurt people hurt people. Yeah. Right, like if we haven't dealt with our own stuff, we're just gonna dump it on everyone around us. Exactly.

But the good news is, the opposite is true too.

Oh, tell me more about that.

The more we cultivate that inner peace, that self-acceptance, the more we can show up in the world with kindness and compassion.

We become peacemakers. Yes. Not just in our own lives, but in our relationships, our communities, everywhere. It's like we're taking those inner dragons and instead of fighting them, you learn to ride them.

Yes. We're putting wheels on those dragons and figuring out how to ride them gracefully, skillfully, with style.

I love that. It's like those parts of ourselves that we think are bad or negative, they're just trying to protect us in their own, you know, kind of messy way.

Totally. Think about fear, right? Fear might just be trying to keep us safe.

Even if it backfires sometimes.

Exactly. Or anger. Maybe it's signaling to us that a boundary's been crossed.

Right. It's giving us information.

We just have to learn how to listen to those messages with curiosity instead of judgment.

So it's not about like never feeling those negative emotions again.

No, no. It's about changing how we relate to them. Bringing in that compassion. Exactly. And that's what's so incredible about this journey. It's a lifelong thing. Absolutely. It's a process. It's fluid. Always more to learn, more to uncover about ourselves.

And the more we embrace that journey, the more we can cultivate that inner peace and then in turn inspire that in others like a ripple effect.

100%. And it all starts with that first step, that decision to turn inward, to get to know ourselves with kindness and curiosity. Love that.

So to our listeners, I hope you've been taking notes. Take what you've learned from this deep dive. Experiment. Play with those protocols. Try the Befriending Our Visitors exercise and see what you discover. Explore those playbooks, understand those 6 human needs, and then notice them in your own life. But most importantly, be kind to yourself. This work is powerful, but it isn't always easy. Remember, you're capable of incredible things. It all starts with that first step towards embracing who you truly are.