Therapist Shari B. Kaplan describes the "should" mask: internalized rules children develop in unsafe environments to protect themselves. Over time it becomes both a shield and an internal critic, shaping identity and fueling anxiety. Understanding when and why it formed helps clinicians help people reclaim their authentic self.
How do we reestablish someone's identity when you're walking in life with the should mask on, right? Because the should mask is our protector. We develop a should because it was unsafe in our homes to just show up and be this spontaneous, dependent, emotionally alive child. So we had to should ourselves. You should dress like that. You should wear makeup. You should never wear makeup. You should. You should wear that outfit, you should not. And that becomes our mask, but it also becomes our critic. And so when people come to us, it's really important that we're looking at the whole person, not just their environment, not just their anxiety, not just their OCD, but when did it start? Where did it come from? Shari B. Kaplan, LCSW, LCSW]
