How to Create REAL Relationships in an Overly-Connected Technological World

Welcome to the Author Audience show, the podcast that helps you reach more people with your message. Create a book, connect with your audience, change lives. Here's your host, Shelly Hitz.

Welcome to Author Audience, where I'm on a mission to help you reach more people with your message. It's time to let your light shine. Today I'm rolling out the red carpet and inviting you to join me for this expert interview with Felicia Slattery. Slattery. Hi, Felicia.

Hi, Shelly. It's so good to see you.

I know Felicia is one of my favorite people and I'm going to be sharing her, like, official bio. But my Shelly hits bio is that I have coached with her. I did speaking, coaching with her and amazing. Best investment. But also she's just the real deal. She has a great heart and totally, totally love her. So, so excited to have you on the podcast, Felicia.

Oh, that's so nice. That's the best bio I ever need. You don't need to read all the other junk. It's fine.

Yeah.

Well, I always say success leaves clues. And so that's why I like at times to introduce you to other authors and experts who have amazing success and are willing to share their tips and strategies with you. So that's why I have Felicia on today. And just a brief bio of hers. She is a number one bestselling author several times and she's working on a book called Real Relationships Relationship Challenge, which sounds amazing. We'll be talking a little bit more about that. She's the creator of the Signature Speech system and the Signature Speech and Webinar wizard, which I've used both of those and I recommend the Wizard. It is so helpful for your first speech or webinar. Oh, my goodness. I used it. And she speaks all around the world and she's just passionate to help. So for this week's Center Stage Spotlight training, we'd have Felicia share about how to create real relationships in an overly connected to technological world, which, yes, we are on our phones all the time. I was just at an event with my chiropractor and he was talking about the stress it puts on your neck, but it also puts stress on our relationships. So talk to us a little bit about how this topic even came up for you or how you got interested in it.

I've been on social media since I started my business in 2006 and it looked way different than it does today. You know, at the time I was teaching College, I had two babies. They were 1 and 3 years old, and I wanted to be home with them. So that's. You know, I had to create a business where I could be home with them but still be able to do business. And at the time, I was a technophobe. I, like, you know, I learned I could turn on the computer, I could send an email, I could read. I could. I knew how to Google, like, but I'm.

You're talking to creatives, and creatives understand. A lot of creatives are the same way. So, yeah.

So I had to figure out, all right, well, how am I going to make this work using the skills that I have? And I had a master's degree in communication. I was teaching communication courses, teaching public speaking courses. So I know how to talk to people. I know how to relate to people. And so when I found social media, I was like, yay. So I can talk to people.

And this is my place.

Yeah, right. And I started it honestly as a way for just myself, as a way to just be in touch with other human beings. And over the years, the people that I've built relationships with virtually as well as in person and then continue those relationships virtually have all helped me grow my whole business. I mean, in fact, you and I met virtually before. We met in person, and then we met in person, and we did some work together. And, you know, I'm on your podcast now. I was on a podcast, another version of another podcast. I mean, you know, we've just done some things together. You know, we've promoted each other's work. I mean, and how did that all start? Well, it started with that relationship on social media. And a lot of folks have seen me doing this over the years. And the most recent time was about a year ago. I was trying to buy this very house that I'm standing in.

Oh, I remember. Oh, I do.

Yeah. And so we had been saving money, and we had moved from Chicago to Knoxville, Tennessee, where we are now. And, you know, we didn't know the area, so we lived in an apartment for a year. So the lease was coming due. We had found this house. We loved it. Obviously, we'd been saving money, and everything was good. And then the mortgage guy came back, and he said, you need $26,000 more than you already knew about.

Yikes.

And by the way, you need to have it in five days or no house for you. And I was like, what?

Oh, my goodness. Stress.

So it was crazy. And of course, I prayed a lot and was just, you know, asking God for guidance, like, is this really the right house? And I really kept feeling on my heart like this is our house. So I said, all right, I'm going to do whatever it takes. And I put out a plea on social media and was very honest, very vulnerable, very open and said, this is what's happening. I kind of wrote the story. I didn't do a video. I just wrote the words. And then I made an offer. And I said, if you need help with getting on more stages, I can help with that. If you need help with writing any kind of presentation, I can help with that. If you need help with, you know. And I said, like, three or four different things that were very specific kinds of things that I knew when somebody got in touch with me, they would, like, they could see that and go, oh, I need exactly that. And then they could reach out. And I was like, okay, so this is the week I'm doing deals.

Was shared, like, dozens of times that, like, shares a post like that dozens of times. And it happened because of the relationships that I built on social media. And people saw like, oh, my gosh, Felicia needs help. Yeah, I want to help her. I like her. And it doesn't cost anything to share a message. And I make that $26,000 in five days, and I'm standing in my house. Hallelujah.

I know. I remember we were praying and praying. It was just like answered prayers, but also just the. You invested in planting a lot of seeds and invested in a lot of relationships, and then you saw the fruit from that, the harvest.

Exactly, exactly. And so, yes, prayer and action, right? Like, you pray, pray, pray, but you got to do something, you know, and they got to meet in the middle. That's why I love, you know, like, I fold my hands like this. You gotta pray. You gotta do something when you meet in the middle. Amen. So anyway, so that was kind of where the idea. Because people like, how in the heck did you do that? And that was kind of where the idea came from. And just teaching people, like, I'm just myself. I build relationships wherever I am, whether it's face to face, from stage or online. And communication is nothing if it's not about relationships. So this is. I'm excited about the direction. I'm excited about the book. And the more I write about it, talk to people about it, think about it, get feedback on it, it's just all been amazing.

So, like, when we're on social media, what is the difference between building a relationship and then just simply talking at people? Like, what does that look like? Or how did we get there, like, on social media?

Well, you know, that's a really good question because we all have our phones with us. Yeah, glued came out. Right. It's like arm's length almost all the time. Right. This, these suckers came out. I think the quality of our relationships, even though it's supposed to be better because we can be in touch with more people faster and easier, it's actually diminished the quality of our relationships because it's faster and too easy. And so instead of opening a message with dear so and so. And that dear language is so kind of old fashioned. But if somebody, if I'm calling you dear Shelly, that's a sweet, nice know, as opposed to like just at you.

Hey, I need blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, it's just so. Even with our closest relationships because it's so fast and so easy, we forget sometimes the nice parts of being in a relationship. And so, yes, social media is great and it also provides some challenges. It's faceless even, you know, even though most people have their face next to their thing, it's just a little avatar, though. A lot of times people aren't even looking at that. They're looking at just the word side of things, you know, or the picture, the meme, or the video or whatever it is that they posted. And they're forgetting there's like not just one human being on the other end, but however many human beings that person's connected to and you're connected to. All those people are seeing that all open 24 hours a day, anytime. And we see story after story after story of people who think something is private and it's not. I mean, just this week there was news out of Harvard University that they rescinded 10 students admissions because they post on that.

That was crazy.

Shocking. Shocking. And you know, these students, were you posting in a private chat, not even like out in the world, and they thought it was private and they thought they were being funny, but it was, you know, stuff that bordered on hate crimes and, you know, just horrible things that they were sharing. And Harvard said, yeah, we don't want that. And y' all are out. Talk about ruining your life.

Hard to get into there. I mean, it's not easy.

Yeah, I mean, they had. I'm trying to remember the exact statistics, but I want to say it was something like in the, in the tens of thousands of applications and they only took like, you know, three, four thousand students. And those seats are very coveted. And you graduate from Harvard and you're kind of setting yourself up for, you know, a pretty successful life. Yeah, you're setting yourself up, but then you ruin it by like, oh, my gosh.

Crazy.

Yeah. Yeah.

So for authors who are trying to build relationships with their target audience, I usually talk to them about engaging, you know, asking questions. And I started posting a question on my personal profile once a week. And it's interesting, those posts, they get a lot of engagement because people like being asked their opinion or, you know, things like that. So what other, you know, things have you really seen to work on social media where a lot of times it feels like a one way relationship and it's like, how do I get that person to respond?

Okay, this is a fantastic tip for authors in particular.

Don't think of your personal Facebook profile as for your only family and friends. Yes, your family and friends can be there. But think of your personal profile as an extension of you as an author. Sometimes in business, we'll call it your Persona as an author. When I think of Persona, I just mean, like, extension of who I really am. I have so many people meet me after seeing me online and they go, oh my gosh, you're just the same in real life. Like, well, how else could I be? I know.

Right? I'm sure the same. You get the same, like, you're exactly the same online as you are in person. Like, well, what else would you be? But there's a lot of people who are like, trying to fake something. You know, the fake it till you make it weirdness. And don't try to fake it. Just be who you are. But think of your Facebook personal profile as something for your readers to connect with you. The people who are interested in what you have to share. Whether you're fiction or nonfiction, it doesn't matter. Readers love to see a glimpse of who the author is. So don't be afraid to share yourself and open your posts up to public. You know, be careful about what you post, of course. I mean, don't post, you know, your address up there when you're going on a two week vacation. Hey, my house is empty. Come rob me. No, not that. You know, take your pictures and then post them when you get home or when you're on the plane on the way home kind of thing. Whatever. But think of your profile as an extension of who you are as an author. So that, like Shelly, you're. You just said it, like, on my personal profile. I'm asking a question. I'm getting a lot of engagement. Yeah. Because that's where people are used to engaging is on our personal profiles. So just do it there.

And you know, What I just remembered, I actually posted on my page as well, and those are the posts that normally get response to as well. I get a lot more response on my personal profile because of the algorithms, but I also put it on my page, and so I put the same question. And it does, you know, it does elicit response. But when we're. We're thinking about real relationship, like, you have an acronym and a way to really engage. Can you share that with us?

Yes. So there's two acronyms for real, and I have to look at them because I'm, like, still writing the book. So I'll have them fully memorizing that thing in right order. And I get the two confused. And the reason why there's two is because there's things that you do do when you're in a real relationship, and then there's a way that you feel when you're in a real relationship. So what you do is you respect people, you engage with them. So, like, what you're doing when you're, you know, when you ask a question, that's engaging with them. But then I know you. We connect all the time on social media. You don't just let people answer and then don't respond. You're responding back to them. And even if you're just, you know, putting a smiley face because they said, this is great, or clicking the like button. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

On my life videos, like, sometimes I've had a lot, a lot of comments, and I've actually had people private message me or tell me personally. They're like, shelly, it means so much to. To me that you, you know, respond, even if it's just a like or a comment. Like, you respond to all of my comments, our comments. And it tells us that you care and that you're watching and that you're, you know, interested. And so even if you're just liking it or responding, do something.

Yep. And, you know, I love what Facebook has done with the different kinds of emotions. So, like, the like is the default, but if somebody says something that's really sweet, that makes you go, oh, that's so nice. I love that, like, click the love button because it means, like, you thought about what your response was going to be to their answer, you know, so. Yes. So you're respecting them, you're engaging them. Affirm is the A. And affirming people means you're not just on social media to blast your message. And sometimes the better you get at this, the less you'll have to consciously be thinking about, oh, I Need to go look for somebody who's sharing good news or, you know, their kid did something great, or they just got a new puppy, or they're celebrating something in their business, like celebrate with people, that's affirming to them or even, you know, when sometimes people share bad news, somebody passed away or whatever the case may be, like, you know, I'm so sorry for your loss. I mean, it doesn't have to take you a lot of time, but that's just affirming their life experience and something that they felt that they wanted to share with their friends, followers, fans, connections. Well, you're one of those people, so affirm that. And then the last one is laughter. I mean, when we're with friends and this real, you know, how we are in a real relationship, it's how we are in person with people. It's how we are. I do this from stage. I respect my audience members. I engage with them, I affirm them, I laugh with them. Well, we laugh with people that we're in a relationship with. Why wouldn't we laugh with people that we meet online? Why wouldn't we laugh with our readers, with our. With our audience members? Like, of course we will. So post some fun things or funny things or whatever once in a while or just laugh at something that they've put up. Don't take yourself too seriously. I know. Shelly, one of the things I've seen you do that is fun and cute and funny is you'll share some of your outtakes from your videos which were you flubbed or made a mistake.

Bloopers.

Yeah, the blooper reel. Exactly. So that's the first reel. Respect, engage, affirm, and laugh. We do those things. Things so that then we can feel like it feels to be in a real relationship and we feel recognized. When someone respects us, engages, affirms, and laughs with us, we feel recognized. Like, wow, you see me, you know me, you get me. We feel energized. When we're with people that we like, that we enjoy, that we care about, we feel energized. I know that a lot of people, and I think I remember you doing this at one point, Shelly, you said, I'm going to take the Facebook app off my phone. And do you still have it off your phone or you put it back on?

I do. And I have certain people on Facebook that I see first. So you're one of those.

Actually, you're one of my.

So I can, like, I can still engage with you when I get on there because I'm not on there as often as I used to be. But if you. That's a tip. If you want to not spend a lot of time scrolling. But there's certain people you really want to build relationships with and have relationships with. Change your little notifications on Facebook to see first. But I did. I took the app off my phone.

Yep. And, you know, some people have done that, and then they missed. They missed that energy that they got, and so they put it back. And so, you know, it doesn't. I can't imagine a day without looking, you know, like, checking in with my friends and especially just to see first people. Like, I don't. And in fact, there'll be a couple of days that will go by where I'm not posting anything at all myself on my own stuff. But I'm like, checking in and I'm looking at your quote of the day, and I'm. And I'm looking at pictures of, you know, some other friends, grandkids, and I'm just checking in on some, you know, just people that I care about. So. And that energizes me. It makes me feel good, like, oh, everybody's okay. That's good. But it makes you also feel accepted. When someone respects. Engage in firms and laughs with you, you feel accepted. You know, in our world, especially as authors, it's easy to feel alone because we're behind the computer a lot for our work. We're by ourselves a lot for our work. And a lot of people, even though there are a lot of authors in the world and there's lots of books in the world, not everybody you meet is an author. Like, we don't just run into authors randomly, you know, in our regular lives. And so being in a place where there are other folks who understand what we're going through, you know, in a group, like, you're to going group, Shelley, you know, and different Facebook groups and LinkedIn groups and going to the different, like, Twitter chats where they hashtag stuff and you can have a conversation with other people who are doing the same kind of thing, and you're again, respecting, engaging, affirming, and laughing with them. Well, you feel accepted, like, oh, these people like me. They get me. This is really fun. And then what that all leads to, ultimately, is feeling loved. You want to feel loved? Here's how. Two steps. Step one, make a lot of actual friends on social media. Step two, wait for your birthday.

I know.

It's like, oh, my gosh, this avalanche of people like, saying super nice things. So it's like, I've never felt more loved in my life.

So anyway, those are my acronyms. I love it.

I love it is a domino effect. When you do those things and you build the relationships, then that's the result. And you know, sometimes, like I heard someone say before family member that, you know, she went to church and she nobody talked to her and she, you know, she felt really, you know, really left out and all of this. And I totally get that. I totally understand that feeling of rejection. But sometimes what God has told me is like, Shelly, I'm. I want you to reach out. I want you to take that risk. I want you to engage, I want you to pray and ask for the right relationships. And so if you're struggling right now and you're feeling alone or you're feeling left out or you're feeling like you don't belong, maybe there's some things that you can do to reach out and to engage and to do all those things, to respect, engage, affirm, laugh, to join a group or do something. But yeah, and then the result is to be recognized, energized, accepted and loved. And while I don't have the Facebook app on my phone, I have the Facebook groups app and that's where I'm spending more of my time. I have two groups that I invest in for mentoring and coaching. One is a fitness group, one is a business group. And so it's like I still have that, you know, and I have my own community author audience academy. Kind of tell us just quickly. I know we're kind of getting running out of time. You have some so much good information. What are the top relationship killers on social media that may mess us up? And especially as authors.

Okay, so there are a few things that when people see them, they're totally cringeworthy and they don't love it. So I'll just go through really quickly. One of them is that when people are ranting about whatever they see is wrong in the world, whether it's politically or in their neighborhood or something at their school, every post is a rant. Nobody likes that kind of negativity all the time. So don't do that.

I tend to unfollow people like that.

Well, a lot of us do. Unfollow or unfriend.

Yeah, yeah. And it's like that knee jerk reaction. Like if you're having that knee jerk reaction and you're emotional. Think twice.

Yes, exactly. Think twice because. And really read it. And one way to see. Well, one way to see if you're doing any of These things is what I do. Do a personal social media audit, I call it, and just go to your own page. Not the one where you land on when you log in and you see all your friends, but where you're only reading your stuff because that's how people are going to connect with you initially. And they're going to go to your page and they're going to read your stuff if it reads. And it's got a bunch of these kind of social media messes. Things in there. Don't do that. Like, change them, delete them, whatever.

Yeah.

All right. So another one is. Oh, so when people share those, those, like, I don't usually do this. Or let's see how many people will read this or unfriend me now if, like.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah. I'm sure I'm gonna get some people unfriend me because of this. Or, you know, it feels a bit manipulative.

It is. And we don't manipulate. Isn't N R E A L? There's no M. Like, that's not. Sometimes it's like, well, all right, what is it exactly that you're not usually doing? And a lot of times it's like a copy and pasted thing or like that. And it's like, well, it's like those.

Whole chain emails that would get forwarded and they're. Now they're happening on social media.

Exactly. Like, people cringe over those. So don't do those. The next one that people just do not like is immediately when you connect with them or you don't have any real relationship with them. Like you never met them in person or anything like that. But sometimes people will do this. They'll just go through their friends list and like, send them random messages or whatever. But a lot of times it happens in that first connection and they reach out and then they. And they. The first message after you say, yes, I'll be your friend or connected to you. And this happens on LinkedIn way more than it happens on Facebook is buy my stuff. Right. And with an author, it'll be, hey, I wrote this book, go read my book. Here's my link to go read my book. Like, how do you even know I would want to buy your stuff or read your book? Like, because I have a face.

You know, I mean, it's just. It's very tasteless. It's kind of like, would you go up to somebody that you met at a networking meeting for business or that you met at a wedding, somebody else's wedding, and you're saying hello and how are you? And just kind of getting to know each other. Would you say, hey, I bought a book, go buy my book. Here's how to buy the book. I got one in my pocket. You want to buy the book? Like, no, you wouldn't do that. So why would you do that online? It doesn't make sense. It's cringeworthy. I actually immediately unfriend and block those kind of people because they're not online for the things that I'm online for. And I'm online to actually make connections with people and get to know people. And some. I actually commented about that on LinkedIn. I got it like hundred, like hundreds of comments and you know, likes or whatever.

And because it happens a lot on LinkedIn.

That'S a little harsh. The thing I don't like too is they'll add me to their email list without my permission because you get access to, to people's contact information. And I'm unsubscribing almost every day from email list. I never. And I mean, that's spam. Like I could report them and you know, I don't, but it's like, please stop. Don't add people to your email list. Don't, you know, spam them with things when you're just, you know, you don't even know each other yet.

Right, right, exactly. How would you, how would you know? Like, how do you think they would even want your stuff? Just go with normal opt in kind of things. People see your, they see your information, they see you interacting, they see you talking about your book and your content and you absolutely should be doing that online. Just do it in public and then every once in a while offer something like, hey, by the way, here's a link to my book. Hey, by the way, if you're interested, I got a blog over here. Go read my blog. Hey, I got something for free if you're interested. I got that. Like, not every post is that, but don't not do it. You want to make sure, you know, have a nice balance between, you know, hey everybody, I got something if you're interested and not that. So there you go.

Yes. And I know we could go on forever, but tell us a little bit about your book when it's coming out, how we can find out more or how people can find out more about you.

Okay, well, I'm talking to authors, so you all know. Yeah, I'm at about 20,000 words right now.

Yes.

And my goal is to get to between 50 and 60,000 words. For this book. So I'm still. I'm still in the writing stages as we are recording this, but today, and I don't. I have a. I have a publisher that I. That's published for me in the past, and they're kind of like in my back pocket, but I have a really big publisher that I want to kind of talk to and been praying for, you know, a connection and opportunity for that to happen. So I'll be reaching out to them. And so I don't even have a publication date. I mean, my goal is to have the book written by the end of this month. I don't know how realistic that is, but I can write about. I can write anywhere from three to 5,000 words a day. So we'll see.

Yes. I love it. And, you know, I love that because we're authors and we know, like, sometimes there's different things that you. Different goals you have for different books. And for this particular book, it sounds like you're really wanting to potentially have, you know, a bigger, like, traditionally published, you know, publisher, be traditionally published, have that, you know, so it may take longer. It usually does.

Yes, it does.

Yeah, but how exciting.

By the end of June, and they say, yes, we'll pick it up. Like, we may not be launching until next April. I mean, who knows?

Yeah, but do you have what free information or content that you have right now that you think my listeners would be interested in or how can they learn more about you?

Well, I talk about building relationships from the stage. For whatever business you have. You can go to signaturespeechforauthors.com and there's some free information about how you can connect and create relationships with your readers from the stage. That would be one. One place that you can go and just be friends with me, connect with me, follow me, whatever, on whatever social media is your favorite. Now I'm even on Instagram, like, way more than I used to be. So wherever your favorite is, I'm Alicia Slattery everywhere. So connect.

Yes. And Felicia Slattery.com and so thank you so much for sharing with us. I definitely recommend connecting with Felicia. You know, even if you don't do it ton of speaking, you know, that is something I totally recommend for all authors. It's probably the number one way that you'll sell books because once people hear you speak and hear your content, they'll want to naturally go to that next step with you. But also you can use her content for online videos, for your content marketing, for your webinars, for selling higher end products which I teach you guys to do. And so definitely connect with her. She has a lot of great information and thank you so much for being here today and sharing with us, Felicia.

Thank you, Shelly. I'm excited to have been here and hope people found some value in what we talked about today.

Yes. So typically I'll end with a take action tip. If you know there was one take action tip that you could give for this whole concept of relationships on social media. What would be the one thing you would have authors do as a result of listening to this today?

Okay, I have two very related.

Okay.

Number one, do that social media self audit. Look at your stuff and make sure that you're like your stuff is, you know, reading the way you want people to know you. That's the first thing. The second thing is today is somebody's birthday who you know on social media. Don't just write Happy Birthday and their name. Think about how you know that person. Think about something that happened in your life with that person, where you met them, what you like enjoy about them. Maybe you've never met in person, but you love that they post fun memes or you love that they share pictures of their kids and their kids are so cute. Whatever. Like this is what I love about you. This is what I remember about us. Do you remember that time when we. Well that just makes me smile. And I hope you're smiling today on your birthday. Right. Post a personal message to the people that you know whose birthday it is today. So those are two things.

Yeah. And that will totally help you to stand out because how many hundreds of people are going to post Happy Birthday but not as many. Go that extra step. If you're comfortable, record a video that will really help you to stand out. A little video message to someone for their birthday. But I love that, I love that so much. So thank you so much for joining us and thank you for all those of you that are listening in. I appreciate you. I hope that you got a lot out of this and I will see you next time. Bye bye. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Author Audience. I would like to invite you to attend one of my free trainings all about how to sell more books without being pushy or self promotional. It's called Amplify youy Message. Plus I will give you two free gifts just for attending. No credit card required. First you'll get my best selling book 9 Strategies to Build and Grow youw Author Platform. And you'll also get my ebook titled List Vend 5 powerful emails you can use immediately to grow your business. These are basically fill in the blank style templates and they are yours at no charge when you join us for the training. You can sign up for my free training by going to shellyhits.com/ that's shellyhits.com S H E L L E Y h I t z.com amplify this training and the two bonus ebooks are free and I would love to help you sell more books.

Thanks for listening to this episode of the Author Audience Show. Connect with us online@authoraudience.com where you'll find all the resources mentioned in today's episode. While you're there, grab Shelley's free video training training on how to write and publish your book using her Six Step Ascent method. Join us again next week to learn how to reach your audience with your message.