What to do when your child hides something from you?

Hi everyone, welcome back to Parenting Teenagers with Sidhika Goenka. I'm an Inner Compass Mentor, a strengths-focused psychologist, and a parenting teenagers coach. I basically help parents bring out the best in their 7 to 18-year-old child by connecting with them more and really building a very powerful personality that is going to help them like— let's come back to today's topic: what to do when your child hides something from you. And here by child I mean teenager, 7 to 18-year-old. What to do when they are hiding, you know, something that they know you won't approve of? So maybe they're hiding their crushes, their boyfriends, their girlfriends, their mistakes, their failures. I'm gonna decode this for you in the next 8 to 10 minutes. You will exactly know what to do when your child hides something from you. Are you ready? So the number one thing that you need to do is you need to understand the reason why they are hiding something from you. Okay, write down the reason. So there could be multiple reasons. Write down what is your reason. One reason could be maybe your child shared something with you in the past and they got the feeling that Mama did not like it, or it could be that they have never shared anything with you. They have assumed that I don't want to share this with my parents, they will get angry with me. So either it is based on past experience or it is based on assumption, right? It could just be fear of being judged, fear of being lectured, fear of being shouted at, or fear of being punished. So first thing that you need to do is when you have understood that your child is hiding something from you, first thing you need to do is however, you know, tempted you are to question your child, you need to remain calm. Okay, that's number one. And along with being calm, you need to in your daily life during the day show to your child that you are open and you are willing to listen to them. Now, how can you show this is by constantly telling your child, "I love you. I want to listen to you. I love it when you share your life with me. I love sharing my life with you." Step 1 is understand the reason why they are hiding, and step number 2 is do whatever you can, as much as you can connect with your child, to make them believe that they can share anything with you. Step number 3 is express a lot of understanding, no disapproval. So don't come across as a judgy parent. Even when you make comments about other people, be very understanding, be very open. Talk about others' girlfriends, boyfriends, relationships. Talk about new teenage trends. Be very updated about, you know, what is happening with the new teenagers in today's world. Be very open about things. Come across as a broad-minded parent. Step number 4 is address their fears. You know, keep telling them, there's nothing you need to be scared about with me. I am nobody to punish you. I'm never going to get angry with you. I am there to support you, right? The more you tell your child, I'm always there to support you, at some point, whether now or later, your child will definitely feel more comfortable with you. Your goal is to make your child feel comfortable, because if your child is hiding something from you, it's a big problem. As they grow up, this hiding will only increase and they will actually shut down. And the more they shut down, the more unsupported they will feel, and nobody can fill this gap. Now, the solution to this is making your child feel that you understand them, you respect them, you value them, you trust them, they can trust you, just by being there, by being open, by being broad-minded. Right, step number 5 is once you have done these 4 steps and you've built connection, now you can do step number 5, which is now ask them open-ended questions. What do you need from me? What can I do for you at this age? How can I support you more? How can I show you that I love you? What is the one thing that you wish I did for you? You know, when you ask your children these questions, it does 2 things. Number 1, it makes children feel that we are willing to change for our kids. We are willing to fulfill their needs. We want to be there for our kids. And number 2, it really makes children feel very special, and they also want to do this. They also start asking you the same questions. Mama, what can I do for you? So it's a great way of creating a healthy environment of communication, of trust, of respect. Step number 6, Avoid lectures. You know, right now your child anyway is not trusting you, anyway is not sharing things with you, which means this is like a little signal, this is a little sign telling you that they don't want your lecture, they don't want your explanation. So right now, for the time being, how much ever you want the best for your child, don't lecture them, don't do a lot of long-drawn explanations. Instead, ask them more about what they truly want. Focus on their needs, focus on their desires, focus on their wishes. Right? Sharing your experiences is extremely important. Make sure you share your mistakes, your failures, your problems in school without expecting anything from them in return. Remember, when you are sharing this, somewhere it's going in your child's subconscious, and somewhere your child is thinking, feeling, and, um, deciding that, yeah, my mom's a cool mother, my dad's a cool parent, I can share things with them. And your every word and action will help them think, feel, and decide. So make sure your actions are mutual respect, your actions are focused on open communication, on connection, on building relationships, on honesty, you know, on being very unfiltered. So somewhere you have to show that you are cool as a parent, you're updated as a parent. So when your child is hiding things from you, don't worry about what they are hiding, worry about and reflect on Why are they hiding from me? What is the message that my thoughts, my words, my actions have given my child because of which they are hiding? This is the golden tip for today, right? So you need to show your child that you are open. Remember this, you can only correct your child after you have connected with them. If you're not connected to your child, how can you correct your child? Your child will not listen to you, they will zone out. Because they will just think, "Acha, mama is a tape recorder. Papa is just instructing me," right? First connect with them and then find the right opportunity to correct them. Make sure you keep winning your child's trust. Always assure to them that whatever your child shares is only between you and the child. Don't even share it with your partner. Treat your child like an adult. When you share something with somebody, you will not like it if they talk about it, right? Similarly, give your child that respect and tell your child, whatever you share with me is not going to go to anybody else, right? Just follow this Inner Compass Communication System. Don't get angry with them. Follow this step 1 to step 8, and I can guarantee you, in just about 10 to 15 days, your children will feel that my parents have become more open, my mother wants to know more, she wants to support me, she wants to give me what I need, and they will definitely share their life more with you. Because always remember, your child wants the best relationship with you. There is no reason for them not to want it. But because of time, because of experiences, because of assumptions, usually between 7 to 18, children start going away, right? But let's not normalize this. It's not normal. Let's not make our children go away from us. Instead, let's use these opportunities to build our child's trust in us. Let's strive to become our child's biggest secret keeper, right, which will help them lifelong. Have a super, super relationship with your child and cherish each moment of this.