Why Everything We’re Teaching Kids Is Wrong | Sidhika Goenka | The Masoom Minawala Show

Children remember feelings. They don't remember what you've said.

If I don't get angry with my child, my child will not be disciplined.

Bang on. You know, when a child is born, a mother is born. I don't agree. So a child becomes a teenager, according to me, by 7.

Really?

Yeah. You talk about periods, they're happening average age is between 9 and 11. Communicating with 0 to 5 years is pretty easy. No, not at all. Really?

That's so scary.

So my child asked me recently, "Mama, are you okay with me dating?" For me, dating could be holding hands, kissing, hugging, I don't know, going on dates. So if my child comes and says, "Mama, you know, this friend of mine, this boy showed me the middle finger." But teenagers are often labeled as moody or angry.

Is this true? Is this just a myth?

As a working mom, it's nice to spend 10-15 minutes a day with your child every day. Another common problem is screen addiction. My kids, 13, 10, and 7, Monday to Friday, don't watch any screen.

If parents can take away one actionable piece of advice from today's conversation, what would it be? You know how everyone says teenagers are difficult or impossible? Well, it's not just a phase. It's a reflection of the skills, conversations, and guidance they've been missing. And the truth is, the way we handle these years can shape their entire future. And that's what today's conversation is about. Today's guest is someone who has helped hundreds of parents unlock the potential in their teens and preteens while transforming relationships at home. She's guided families on handling anger, building trust, and developing the emotional and life skills that actually matter. She's Sidhika Goenka, the parenting strategist who helps ambitious women raise future-ready kids without losing their own dreams. Her insights have empowered countless parents to raise confident, resilient, and successful children while staying true to their own ambitions. This episode is your blueprint for raising kids who are emotionally intelligent, self-aware, and ready to thrive, all without sacrificing yourself along the way. If you as a parent have ever felt lost, frustrated, unsure how to connect with your teen, this is the episode that's going to change that. I'm very excited to share that through this episode, we're offering one lucky audience member a membership to the Inner Compass Parenting Program with Sidhika Goenka. All you have to do is comment below with your favorite takeaway from today's episode, and one of you will be the winner. You know, I'm personally at this stage where I'm trying to figure out what kind of curriculum to put my child into. He starts school next year, and I was coming from the thought that you prepared for life. Is that not true?

That's absolutely true. So my kids go to IB as well. IB preps you to get into the right university, right? The right college. But how do you sustain those 4-5 years in college is still a question mark. I'm taught how to do my SAT, how to get into the right college and do— and just get in. But how can I survive those 4 years? I feel those skills are taught at home. Those skills have to be taught at home, and in fact, they have to be taught, ma'soom, when your child is between 7 to 16, because that is when they're most receptive. After 16 is, is too late. It's like, you know, everything is so set. How do you reverse all the conditioning that has happened? How do you reverse that? And usually I have parents coming to me, now my child has become very lazy, very demotivated, sleeping a lot, doesn't know what to do in life. What do I do now? And I always say, I wish we had started when your child was already showing teenage symptoms. So a child becomes a teenager, according to me, by 7. Really? Yeah.

How? That's like 5 years earlier than what I would expect to assume.

That's, that's how the world is growing. You talk about periods, they're happening, average age is between 9 and 11. That's when periods start, hormonal changes are happening, 9+. You'll see a child, so I've worked with thousands of children, what I've seen is post-7, kids, you always see your child's first answer is no, right? When you say, would you like to do this? The first thing is always no. And then they start thinking, and then maybe the yes will come, or maybe the, you know, whatever else will come. But the first is always no, I don't want to do it. No, don't do this to me. No, you don't understand me. So the first time my daughter, when she turned 7, 7 and a half, she said, I hate you. You're the strictest parent in the world. You don't understand me. You don't know me. Everybody else is so lenient and so understanding, but you don't get me. Right? So that's when the feelings, the opinions, basically 7+ is when opinions start building. And the more we help them with the opinions, the better they'll be able to regulate their emotions.

So why does a teenager or preteen, you know, starting from the age of 7, why do they say no first?

Because they're protecting themselves. Their brain is in the survival mechanism where they are protecting themselves, and they are so used to their parent repeating at least 10 times for anything. It's like, do your homework, do your homework, do your homework, brush your teeth. The repetition is what is making them say no, is what is conditioning them to say no.

So what can a parent do? Stop repeating. How do you stop repeating?

It takes practice. So I'll give you an example with my kids. When my elder one was 7, my first child— I have 3 children— at that time, I was not used to this. I was always taught that the more I repeat, It'll get reinforced and my child will learn these future-ready skills and my child will understand, oh, I need to brush my teeth, I need to do my homework. It'll be a lot easier. But when I started repeating to her, she started hating it. She started kind of pulling away. She said, stop telling me what to do, stop repeating, stop being so overbearing. And I had to really reflect. And that's when I found the Inner Compass System, where I realized that repetition does not work. Repetition switches off your child's brain. And once the brain is switched off, the only answer that will come is, "No, I don't want to do it," because now they're testing you. They're repelling authority. Nobody likes to be dominated. Nobody likes to be told, and especially teenagers. So 7 to 13— hey, so sorry, 7 to 16— hate being told what to do, what not to do. And in fact, the more we tell them, the less they listen. I have seen this firsthand.

But a 7 to 16-year-old doesn't know what they're doing.

That's what we think. That's exactly what we think. We think we want the best for our children, right? Actually, children want better for themselves. But what happens is when we start telling them, when we think, I know what's best for my child, I know, you know, I should tell her what to do and, you know, how to kind of handle things, her inner compass or his inner compass switches off. And when this inner compass is switched off, they will always be dependent, they will always seek validation, they will always, you know, want external rewards, external validation, external people kind of, um, you know, appreciating them, and they'll always have a very low self-esteem.

Or the inner compass of a child between 7 and 16 could be watch TV all day long. So how do they know that that's not good for them?

So I'll tell you, we as human beings, we're selfish people, right? We're people who want to satisfy our needs first. And we know what's right, what's wrong. But when somebody comes and tells us, This is right. Do this. This is good for you. Our inner compass shuts down because now we're not thinking for ourselves. We have somebody else thinking for us.

But give me a real-life example, right? Like there is a 9-year-old in the room. She's saying, I want to watch TV for 5 hours straight. How can a parent let her make that decision for herself and not repeat and go on repeating that switch off the TV and you need to do your homework?

So this is the exact difference between an Inner Compass activated and an Inner Compass sleeping child. So how did your child get to this? The reason she got to this level of 5 hours of TV was because the communication system between a very well-intentional parent and the 9-year-old was very, very weak, if I may say. It was more of telling It was more of external control where I am telling my child, you know, you need to do this, this is good for you. So what we do, how you build the inner compass is what we need to know. And how you build the inner compass is number one, ownership. Always. You, I know you want the best for yourself. So believe it or not, my 10-year-old daughter, my second child, whenever she comes back from school, maasum, the first thing she does is Mama, I have homework to do. I'll just take out my books and I'll quickly finish it off. She can't bear ki homework, you know, it should stay till the evening. She'll make sure she does it. She doesn't need me to tell her. She doesn't need anybody else to tell her because her inner compass is activated. And how is it activated? Number 1, ownership. So when my child does anything wrong, my first line is, I know you didn't want to do it. That's always my first line. So if you, you know, by chance you drop something or you're watching too much TV, so the 9-year-old who's watching 5 hours of TV, my first line to her would be, I know you didn't want to watch so much TV, beta, but there was something else that made you watch it. So this behavior is actually an unmet need. So a teenage child's behavior is like an iceberg, right? The top, the tip of the iceberg is what we see. So we are seeing this screen-addicted child who is wasting her time on TV. But what the reason they're wasting their time on TV is what's happening underneath. So underneath, there are a lot of unmet needs. And these unmet needs could be, I'm not feeling connected. Every child wants to be seen and wants to be heard. You know, they have hungry eyes and hungry ears. And what this means is somewhere the screen addiction is coming because of lack of connection. It could be we're doing everything as parents, we're not leaving any stone unturned, yet we're not following a systematic way. Like nobody has taught us I wasn't taught how to communicate with my 10-year-old. You know, communicating with 0 to 5 years is pretty easy, right? No, not at all. Not at all. It's easier than communicating with a teenager. Really?

That's so scary for like a mom of 2 under 2. That's very scary.

Communicating with teenagers needs— so teenagers have a very short attention span. You cannot talk to them in more than 10 words at one time. If you want them to look at you, listen to you, you cannot talk to them in more than 10 words. They will totally zone out.

So this Inner Compass method, is this something that you've conceptualized? Is it something that exists already? Talk to me about that. I find that very, very interesting.

So it's It doesn't exist, but it's always been there. And what I mean by that is, it's something like, like we all have intuition, but everybody doesn't practice it, right? Everybody is not highly intuitive. Some people are, some people are not. And the only reason why the people are not is because they've not practiced it. It's like a muscle. Whatever you practice becomes your reality, right? Whatever you practice, whatever you do in everyday life becomes your reality. And that's what Inner Compass Unfortunately, we were never aware about it. So it's like a conscience, it's like, but it's always, you assume that your child has a very strong inner compass and they can make good decisions provided you just kind of use the right tools and methods to activate that. Okay. So inner compass has 6 main areas. Okay, the first is your thinking quotient. How your child thinks. And this is so important, especially as they're growing up, because they need to think what works for them, what doesn't work for them. It's not about what works for the parent, it's about what works for me, what, you know, what is possible for me. So thinking quotient. Second is the emotional quotient, which is responsible for all kind of relationships. It's responsible for how you feel in, you know, how you feel in public. It's responsible for who you are, all of that. The third is concentration quotient, where you focus, where you concentrate. And if your concentration quotient is low, the screen addiction happens. So all of these behaviors are results of these quotients being imbalanced.

What is your opinion on what are schools not teaching children today that they should be teaching them?

So I think schools are not building their inner decision-making because everything is scheduled, right? 7 AM, then 7:40 AM, then 8:40 AM. There are periods, there's so— the structure is great. I'm not against structure, but what I wish schools could do more is invoke their inner decision-making, right? Their inner compass. How would you like to— I understand it's difficult because there are big schools and there are so many people and things like that, but what schools can What schools are not doing is building their emotional regulation. It's always like there is a punishment. If you don't do this, there is a punishment. So instead of making it punishment-based or fear-based, it's more about how can you teach your child to regulate their emotions, to handle their emotions. Schools are teaching fantastic ways of preparing your child to study, but they're not teaching children how to manage the next few years when they may be away from family or from parents. And that's also something that we need to teach as parents. I think that's our responsibility. We can't really depend on the school.

What about the amount of advice that parents have? That's one question that I have. And also anger, right? Parents responding with anger to their kids. How can these two be managed? There is this con— I don't know whether it's a true conception or misconception, but if I don't get angry with my child, my child will not be disciplined.

Yeah, bang on. And that is such a misconception. In fact, if I get angry with my child, for short term I have built discipline, but for long term I have built resentment to authority. I have built fear I have built compliance which is not going to last permanently. So anger, and so discipline that is coming out of anger is so short-lived. And the danger is, as these children are becoming young adults, they're becoming more and more frustrated from within, you know, more and more rebellious, more and more, you know, why, why did you do this to me when I was a child? Like, I'll give you an example, okay? When I was in the 6th grade, I was about 12, some extreme extremely close to my parents, all right, and especially to my father, like extremely close. And I feel my father was very, very important in everything that I'm doing in work-wise as well. When I was 12, at that time he had a lot of anger, okay, because he was also growing up, he was also obviously building his business and things like that. So he was also having— and he had a certain way of discipline, like you said, anger means discipline, right? When you're angry, you discipline your child. So I remember very, very clearly, I was going to school and I was late, all right. I got ready and I ran down the stairs, getting late to school. And my father got angry at me and he said, "Why are you late to school? Every day you're late. Why are you late?" All I could see was his face, and his face was very angry. What he said was, he was trying to say that he cares for me, he wants me to be punctual, he wants me to be on time. But I couldn't see that, I couldn't hear that. And that day, I wet my uniform. I peed in my pants. And I developed a reflex from that day for the next, I think, 20 years. Every time somebody would raise their voice at me or somebody would show their authority on me, I wouldn't be able to control myself and I would get really, really affected. It wasn't his fault. He didn't do this on purpose. He wanted the best for me. But at that time, what he did stayed with me for a long time. Thank God that was the last time he did it, because then he also got into positive parenting and communication. And, um, you know, now that's, that's gone. But somewhere it stayed with me for a while, and it needed to be reprogrammed.

What is your opinion on this overexposure to classes and after-school activities?

I feel We underestimate ourselves a lot. We're very okay sending our children all day to tuitions and classes and everything, but when it comes to ourselves, what we can offer for our children is where we kind of, you know, feel like we take it for granted that "Acha bhot ho, we'll do later," because we want our children to get exposure to everything, but what exposure we can give our child, we don't end up giving. I'll give you an example. So I'm really big into communication and vocabulary. I used to do a lot of vocabulary classes for children. All right. But when it came to my own kids, I would send them to 10 other classes, but I would not sit and teach them vocabulary. You know what I mean? My strength I was not harnessing with them. So what I want to encourage every parent to do is what your strength is, right? What you're working, what you're good at, you can actually teach snippets of that to your child. Right, so since I am a life coach and a parenting coach, my kids observe me. I keep talking to my kids about concepts that I am teaching in parenting, and they get really excited. So whatever you can teach your child is yours. It's so personal, what nobody else can teach your child. So what I actually want people to do today is make a list of the things that they can teach their kids without any external help. You know, whatever little, little skills, like I can teach my child how to handle a bad fight. I'm very good with handling emotions. I'm very good with accepting, understanding, acknowledging my emotions. So I can teach a very simple AAA method: become aware, acknowledge that emotion, accept that emotion, and take action. And, you know, breathe and change the emotion. So many I'm good with these little skills, but if I don't write it down, I forget and I don't end up teaching my kids. So what I am good at, I want every parent watching this honestly to write a list of the things they are good at and what they can teach their kids.

And it could be mindset, but it could also be like cooking skills.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, cooking, embroidery, um, any kind of skill. Any mental health skills, emotion, you know, but emotional skills are undermined. Like how I dealt with a friendship 2 months back, I'll forget about it. But if I write it down, I can remember, okay, my 13-year-old is going through a similar thing. I can teach her how I dealt with it, and then it's up to her whether she wants to take it or leave it. So always the ball is in my child's court, whether she wants to take it or she wants to leave it. But at least I say that this is how I dealt with it, this is how I felt about it, and you want to give it a try, you can. So just being more open as parents, that it's not like because I have said it, they have to take it, but there's an option.

There is a child who doesn't want to study. There is a parent who wants to explain to the child the importance of study because that means getting set for the rest of their life, getting into a good university, getting a new job, you know, having financial freedom. How would you play out this conversation without the pressure and without kind of being overbearing and allowing the child to take control.

So let's say the child—

let's say I'm the child.

Okay. And let's say you're 12 years old. All right. My first question would be, what are your strengths? What do you love about yourself?

I would say I love being creative. I love art.

Now, how do you think you can use this creativity to expand, to do more, to contribute in the world?

But okay, let's say I say, you know, I don't know what I want to do with it, but I love making scrapbooks and I love art and I want to do something in that and I want to be able to create some change in the world using my art and creativity.

Fair enough. So I understand you want to build some change in the world, and you're very artistic and you love scrapbooking. Do you want to improve these skills a little more?

Yes, I would like to.

Would you like to spend time doing that?

Yes.

Does it make you happy?

Yes.

Do you want to take it beyond and get into a really good college that helps you make that your superpower and contribute?

Yes.

What do you think you need to do for that?

I think I need to start teaching for my exams.

Yes, we got it. So it's, you know, education means to draw out. What we do is we answer a lot for our children, and it's fear-based answers. And I have done this with my child as well before I knew the Inner Compass system that I created. It's more of, if you don't study, you won't be able to do so much that you want to do. There's a lot of, if you don't do this, then this will happen. 'If you don't eat your food, then you will fall sick.' We use a lot of 'if this doesn't happen, this will happen.' And that is, I think, that's training the brain to have a lot of fear, a lot of negative emotions, and it shuts down. I mean, your child stops thinking for themselves when we use these sentences. Another thing that doesn't work, Masoom, is reward-based. Once you switch off the TV, only then something else can happen. Or if you do your homework, then we'll go out in the evening. We are training our child's brain subconsciously for rewards. And when this child is growing up, what is my child saying? Till I don't see a reward, I'm not going to do it. So where is the self-motivation? There is no self-motivation. We want our kids to be self-motivated, right? We want our kids to think for themselves. There's no self-motivation there. Because they're always seeing a reward. They're always seeing, if this happens, then this will happen.

But teenagers are often labeled as moody or angry.

Yeah.

Is this true? Is this just a myth?

No, they are moody. Definitely, teenagers are very moody. But the reason for the moodiness is very important to understand. So there are a lot of changes happening, right, in their body, cognitively, hormonally. There are a lot of changes that's happening. The reason they are moody is because most teenagers, feel, feel like they have to put on an act at home, feel like they can't be themselves at home. And when I've been working as a school counselor for 10+ years, and most kids said that, you know, you'll see, like my child's friend would say, you have the coolest mother in the world, right? My child would say, not at all, right? So usually friends trust others more than they trust their own parents. The reason is somewhere teenagers have this habit of assuming, of predicting that if I tell my mother this, she's going to get angry at me, or she's going to stop trusting me, or she's going to become worried for me. And when they have this, they start, they start hiding things. And when they hide, the distance has already come. So the moodiness is coming from a deeper place inside. And when we start connecting with our children, I think the moodiness can completely drop. So teenagers are moody is, is an assumption because the deeper connection is not being met. If your child is connected very deeply, and we love our kids, right? All of us, we love our kids. But just because we love our kids, doesn't mean we understand their growth. We need to understand a teenager's brain before jumping to conclusions, I feel. And that's why it's a subject where, you know, it's like how you study something to excel, right? All of us, we need to learn teenage parenting. It doesn't come— it's like, you know, when a child is born, a mother is born. I don't agree. I don't agree. When a child is born, it takes time for a mother to nurture her nurturing skills, her, you know, way of nurturing the child. It takes time. It's a, it's a learned skill. It's an acquired skill. It's not a natural skill. And teenage parenting is definitely— it's learned because we as human beings have a tendency of reacting immediately.

Let's first talk about the problems. Yeah, right. I think you are someone who is that point of contact for so many parents. So you tell me, what are the most common problems that parents face today with their preteens and teens? And then we can talk about those solutions. So people kind of tuning in will probably connect or relate to one of the problems and then stay on to hear the solution. So why don't you tell me a few of the most common ones?

So as teenagers grow up, there are multiple problems they are facing. One of the very common problems is incessant scrolling on Instagram, Snapchat, WhatsApp, and online shopping. I have seen that like nowadays every day, you know, teenagers get attracted and, you know, they want to buy things on Amazon and Flipkart. There is this instant gratification need. Everything has to be done at the flick of a finger, right? And So when I ask my mother something as a teenager, I want my mother to say yes. Teenagers cannot take no. They just don't want to take no as they're growing up. Especially if the parent says no, they've disconnected and they're like, "Fine, I'll figure it out," and they've stormed out of the room. But they were not always like this. So what I'm trying to say is it's very possible to make your child comfortable with no. How is it possible? Connection. The more connected you are, the more no you can say.

Okay, okay. So let's come to the connection. Talk to me a bit more about other most common problems.

Yeah, another common problem is screen addiction, video games. As kids grow up, 7th, 8th, 9th standard, a lot of video games. Roblox was coming up a lot where, um, you know, they're talking to random people as they're playing video games. They're talking to people in different countries. They don't know who this person is, talking to random people, feeling connected connected to others more than their own family members. A lot of screen addiction, wasting their time, body image issues, you know, not feeling comfortable in who they are, in their skin complexion, in the way they look, feeling like I'm not wanted, I'm not needed, feeling rejected.

I know a lot of parents have this issue about children not expressing themselves, not communicating, not making that conversation. You know, they almost don't know what to say in their most trusted circle. They just don't know what to say. Is that also a problem?

Absolutely. And the reason that's a problem is because somewhere, um, every child wants to belong, you know. And as teenagers grow up, they in fact have the feeling of belonging more importantly than the feeling of being right. They don't care about doing the right thing. They care about fitting in. They want to fit in, and they will do— they will go to whatever extent it is to fit in. You know, they lie, they'll change the way they look, they follow different trends because they want to fit in somewhere. And that's why their safety circle, which is their home, which is both the parents and their family, has to be— has to play a very prominent role in your child's comfort. Like, children have to feel extremely accepted and comfortable in their family.

Okay, so I would love if I can kind of talk to you about a few scenarios, and you can tell me what the solution would be for something like that, right? Let's say there is a preteen or a teen girl, and she's having kind of problems in a friend group group, she feels left out, or sometimes she's teaming up with another friend and leaving somebody else out. And there's a lot of groupism, I think, that happens at this age which can really kill, kill a child's self-esteem. How is something like that to be dealt with as a parent?

So I've seen this a lot with my daughter as well and other kids around. And the first thing is, okay, I'll tell you something about teenagers. So teenagers react to emotions first. An explanation second. And what that means is when I am a child and I come and tell you, you know, this is happening with me in school, and if I see worry on your face or if I see anything on your face, I'll start assuming, no, you know, it's not safe, I don't want to say it. So the first thing is whenever your child comes and talks to you, your face is the first point of contact, and your face has to be very, very, very loving, very accepting, very And that takes practice, and that's why we work so much on a mother's energy, right? So the first thing is, whenever your child approaches you, don't react at all. Be extremely calm in your facial expressions. And instead of giving advice— so when your child is coming to you with a problem, they're not looking for advice. They don't want you to advise them. They want to reason out on their own. They just want you to listen to them and Trust me, they will come up with their own solution. They will say, okay, so for example, if you come and you say, you know, I'm going through this at school, Mama, and you share that, and if I just keep listening and I say, all right, how does it make you feel? What would you say? How does it make you feel?

It makes me feel lonely. Yeah. It makes me feel left out.

Yeah. What do you think you can do about it?

I think I could maybe address it with my friend and see if there's something wrong that I'm doing that I could do better.

So now is the golden question: would you be comfortable doing that?

No, I don't think so.

If you're not comfortable confronting her, is there anything else that you can do?

I'm not sure, Mom. I don't know how I would deal with this.

So do you want to try it out? Should we do a role play where I'm the friend and you're upset by me? Do you want to try it out with me and see how that goes? When I give these options, no, I'm building my child's thinking quotient. I'm preparing her for life. Now, next time when my child has got this safety from me that I am not judging him or her and I am not advising anything, I'm just taking out things from the child, they'll be so much more comfortable in the future. They'll feel heard, they'll feel seen, they'll feel respected, because children at this age want to feel respected. They want to feel like they belong. They want to feel like, "Oh, Mama really respects me." They don't want to be the needy one. They want to be the preachy one, right? So when I talk like that, eventually my child will come up with her own solution, and my child may say, "You know what, Mama, I figured it out. I'm gonna go tomorrow, and you know, for some time I won't say anything to her. I'll try to make more friends." Maybe I'm feeling like this and I don't want to feel like this. So I think I'll be okay in a few days. If I'm not, I'll come back to you. This coming back is what we want from our children. You know, they'll keep coming back and that becomes a habit. And then they want to keep sharing and keep coming back because children remember feelings. They don't remember what you've said. So they will remember, when I came to mom and I said this, I felt really nice. I felt light, I felt comfortable, and then that's the feeling is what draws children back to base.

Let's now talk about the scenario of communication. So I'm a parent and I come to you and I tell you that I have a child who doesn't communicate. You know, he comes back from school and I'll ask him, how was your day and what did you do today? And he'll be like, it was good, it was fine, and then kind of just go to his room and switch off from the world and not be making conversation. And as a parent, I'm constantly doubting whether, one, I'm doing something wrong, two, is he going through something, three, why is he not sharing with me? And there's this lack of expression and communication. How could I deal with that?

Yeah, great question. So two main things. The first is always remember your child has the will, may not have the skill. So when this happens, my first thing is my child has the will. I know he wants to share with me, I know he wants to talk to me, but he doesn't have the right vocabulary. He probably doesn't have the right words, he doesn't know what to say, he's gotten into a pattern of something else, right? So when you know that the will is there, then you become very open to teach the skills. Now, how can you teach a skill? I play a very simple game with my family on daily basis. It's called High and Low. This builds communication skills. You can play this with a toddler, you can play this with a preteen, with any age child. All you do is I start, and every day, because I love doing this, and I, I just share, you know, this was my high. So my high was— and I talk more about emotions, so I don't really talk about happenings, I talk about emotions. So my high was I felt very fulfilled today, okay? Or If I want to make it simpler, I felt really nice today. I felt very grateful today. And usually when I say this, we're building curiosity. Usually your child will ask you, why did you feel grateful, Mama? And then you say, this is why I felt grateful. And then I talk about a low, you know, today I was feeling very tired. And then we give this opportunity for our kids to ask, why are you tired? And that's when conversation is built. So high and low is is really important in teaching kids that it's okay to have lows also, and it's important to express them. And I also go through highs and lows every day, and I can share it every day with my kids. So it normalizes feelings, it normalizes emotions. So the first thing is the will is there for your child, right? The will is there. And the second thing is never take your child's behavior personally. So multiple times where my kids have said, "I hate you," and I've never taken it personally that, "Oh my God, am I doing something wrong?" It's always been like there's a feeling, there's a complex feeling they're going through. They need help. Every bad behavior is a cry for help. Every bad behavior. When your child is screaming, shouting, rolling on the floor upset, they're not doing it to you. They're not doing it because they're bad kids. They're doing it because they have an emotion that they're unable to process and they need your help. And at that time, if your child is rolling on the floor, at that time all they need you to do is lie down on the floor with them and just look at them and be calm, quiet, and then ask them, is there anything I can do for you?

Right?

These are very, um, these really make children feel seen, heard, accepted, and it prepares their emotions for the future. So the older kids get, the more they like privacy and the more they get into their room, right? And that's what troubles a parent, because the parent feels, you know, I've done so much for my child, I've sacrificed so much, I've done so much, why are they not coming back to me? Why are they not connecting? And I'll share one very simple thing that we can do to break that barrier. When your child comes home, usually they're very overwhelmed, right? The 8 hours, the brain is overwhelmed. There's a lot of education, a lot of stimulation that's already happening. And a stimulated brain is usually a stressed brain. A stimulated brain doesn't want to answer any questions.

Like, how was your day?

Exactly. So, how was your day is the worst question to ask a growing child because your child will just say it was fine, and you will feel like, what? Why aren't you saying anything? So you feel bad, the child feels disconnected, and it's over. So instead of asking, how was your day? When your child comes back from school, you can offer him or her a glass of water and just be mindless. You know, you can turn on some music. You know, you call it 15 minutes and call it this. So labels, these kind of labels for activities work very well. You call it 15 minutes of mindless time. We're going to have 15 minutes of mindless time today. And you turn on music and you just chill and you, you know, you lie down, you talk gibberish, you don't talk about anything that happened in school or in the day, you talk about random stuff. And in these random conversations is when your child will start opening up, and that's the beauty. Without being asked, when we're having these random conversations about, you know, what we're observing, what's happening, your child will start sharing you know, Mama, this is what happened in school, this is, you know, this upset me yesterday. And that's when they will build the vocabulary to express. So I do another activity, it's called a 7-minute observation walk. Very, very useful for all age of kids, 5-year-olds to 15-year-olds. What we do is, as soon as the child comes from school, I always recommend, however busy you are as a working mom, it's nice to spend 10-15 minutes a day with your child every day. And I personally feel more than quantity 10 minutes a day is more than enough to build connection, to build their inner compass. More than that is not required. And in those 10 minutes, whenever you meet your child, you do something called an observation walk, which is, you know, you probably walk around your house if you're lucky, if you have a nice garden, or inside, wherever. And as you're walking, you're not questioning your child at all. You're just talking about what you're observing. What you're seeing around. And that, when you're having these random conversations, that's when your child will open up and will share. This observation walk is just preparing your child to open up without any pressure, without any questions. It's just preparing them. It's like preparing their mind to remember what happened in school and to share it with you. So preparation is very important. Another important thing, ma'soom, is, you know, when kids are studying, What we usually do is, it's time to study, let's get to study. The brain is like, I don't want to study, right? And this works, I'm sure, even with 2 or 3-year-olds. You know, if you're doing an activity worksheet, pehle it'll be like resistant, I don't want to do it. So you prepare, and how you prepare? A simple concentration activity. So one simple one is you take your index finger and you do the number 8 like this. So when you're doing this, you're preparing the brain to concentrate. You're doing this for 30 seconds, and then you start your studies. So everything is about how prepared your mind is to get into what's important, right? And then we have more concentration quotient activities as kids grow up. But the idea is, don't just jump into something. Prepare them for 30 seconds to a minute where you do right-left brain training, and then you get into the activity.

Interesting.

Interesting.

So something that we're constantly coming back to in this conversation is that connection, right? And it's really, I think what I'm hearing is that every obstacle can be surpassed if you build connection with your preteen or teen. Yeah. What are 3 ways to build this connection?

So number 1, every mistake is an opportunity to connect with your child. Whenever there is a mistake, you know what you need to do? Yes, I'm so glad that my child made a mistake. I'm so glad there's bad behavior, because in that bad behavior moment is your golden time to connect with your children, right? But what happens is when I don't know how to connect, I kind of lose that opportunity, and I feel bad about it, and it's gone. So in our community of parents, there's something that I give very uniquely, which is tried and tested communication scripts and communication tools. And what this is, is in the last 15 years, these are, you know, so situation-based. So what do I say when my child is not studying? And these are so tried and tested, ma'soom, they work like magic. You can change them in whatever language that you wish. It's a 30-second script. You kind of add your flavor to it, but it's very tried and tested and it works. So these are like multiple situations, right? What to do when my child is saying no, what to do when my child is watching too much TV, what to do when my child is misbehaving, what to do when my child is not doing something. And when you do these scripts, it just makes it very easy.

Okay, okay, right, okay.

And it's not a cookie-cutter approach. Every child is different, but every child has the same needs, right? So a lot of parents come that how can one parenting size fit all? It's not fitting all, but the needs are the So coming back to 3 ways that you can communicate with your children. First, I would say is when you're talking positive, explain the positive statement in 20-30 words, and when you're talking negative, condense into only 8 words. So 8 words of correction and probably 80 words of connection is one way. So if I love something about you, I would say like, "Masoom, I just love how resilient you are, and every time you've gone through a situation, you've bounced right back up, and I really admire that about you. And can you teach me how you do it? So when you start asking your child, can you teach me how you do it, your child's insights start working. Wow, I'm respected, I belong, I'm loved, I would love to teach my mother, right? So, and this is when you're also giving vocabulary to your child. So I told you I love how resilient you are. I explained what resilience is. It means bouncing back from a failed situation. I complimented you on yesterday, you were so resilient, you know, this happened and I observed that you got back up. And then I said, can you teach me also? So that is a beautiful way of connecting with your child because all the needs of your child are met. Child is feeling loved, child is feeling understood, child is feeling special, child is feeling valued, child is feeling respected. So if I were to break it up into a 3-step connection, number 1, talk about a strength, right? Describe that strength.

So is this a daily activity?

You can do it daily. It takes 5-7 minutes, and if you just do this, you're sorted. You're absolutely sorted. So like I say, every day, all you need to do is 10 minutes of talking to your child.

Okay, so first you—

so first you identify, right? What did you do today, in the entire day, that I really admired? Okay, then you talk about it, how, like the definition of it, what does that mean? So for example, if you worked really hard today, I'd say, "Oh, I loved how hardworking you were." And you know, and by hardworking I mean that, you know, on your own you kind of took out your books and you studied, even if it was 10-20 minutes, you did a great job. I really admired it. Then I would ask you, "But how did you become so hardworking? Can you help me when I, you know, I have this project, I'm unable to do it. Can you tell me how I can be prepared for it?" That's when my child is really feeling nice, and that's the connection moment. And if I'm doing that 3 or 4 times a week for 5-7 minutes a day, all the other needs, like the other expectations that I have from my child, which are that my child chooses me, my child spends time with me, my child talks to me, all of them are met because the child is feeling great when they are with you.

Now let's say I have a child who's is absolutely addicted to the screen. You spoke about why that's an issue and where that's coming from, but tell me a realistic way as a parent that I can manage screen time for my teens.

My kids, 13, 10, and 7, Monday to Friday don't watch any screen. They only watch screen on Saturday, Sunday, and they're not imposed. The choice is always there. The remote control is in front of them. Everything is around them. But their inner compass is so activated, they feel like, why waste my time on screen? So the best way of managing screen time is activating your child's inner decision-making. How do I do it? By not just keeping them busy in classes, but when you're at home, what are you doing with your child? How are you spending time with your child? You know, what kind of games are you playing with your child? What kind of questions, what kind of conversations are you having with your child? So screen addiction Connection is again a symptom of disconnection. If your child is disconnected, they are connected more to the screen.

So what can I do? Give me very sort of ways that I can kind of activate that today. Someone is sitting at home and watching this, their child comes home from school, it's a Tuesday evening, and says, I want to watch TV, Mama. Can I watch TV? I'm so I just want to watch TV. I've gone to school, I've gone to a class after. How do I respond to that?

So my first answer would always be yes. Yes, you can watch TV, and so I don't use but, I don't use no, and I use this tone which is very firm and polite at the same time. So I would say yes, you can watch TV, and I'd like to spend some time with you. So can we walk around for 10 minutes, or can we do something that you like for 10 minutes? 10-15 minutes, can we play? And after that, is it okay if you watch the same amount of time that you spent with me? Is it okay if you watch only that much TV? Okay, so your child will resist in the beginning, but if I'm persistent, if I'm consistent, if I'm doing it regularly, my child will start actually watching TV only for that much time. And this has happened realistically, this has happened. So the first— so before TV, I would say, can we connect for 15 minutes? Can we talk? Can we play? Can we do something? And And after the 15 minutes, okay, can you watch? Okay, now you can watch TV if you like, but is it okay if we do it for 15-20 minutes? So I feel like our tone is very important. The way, you know, tone is actually affecting 70% of your child's reactions. The way I talk to my child is what my child is going to give back. And if you don't believe me, try it out. A lot of parents feel like, oh my God, it's too too good to be true, you know, it's not possible. But trust me, it's possible. It's just that the trick is your tone. It has to be polite, it has to be firm. So, you know, parenting honestly is not easy, right? And a lot of people say this, parenting is easy, I've made parenting very simple. Teenage parenting is not easy. It takes practice, it takes consistency. So if you do this where you say, let's connect for 15-20 minutes, let's play a game, and after that, would it be okay if you watch 15-20 minutes of TV? I think that will— I think that should work.

What is the best morning habit to inculcate in your teenager?

So I've done this with— when my kids were younger, I talk a lot about intention because I believe when you know your intention, you're just more aligned, right? And even so, when my son was 6 years old and when we drop our kids to school in the morning. So the first thing we talk about in the morning is, what is my intention? So my intention is to focus. Very simple. Okay, my intention is to pay attention in class. My intention is to talk to everybody. My intention is to smile. And we started this, and because he has two older sisters, it was easier. We would all talk about our intention, and you'll be surprised, in just about two weeks, he started asking all of us, so Mama, what is your intention today? You know, so it's very easy when we start inculcating these, um, this vocabulary in our family, automatically our kids get it, right? So powerful vocabulary is very important to build an abundant and a powerful family culture.

Okay, so the next thing I want to ask you is really about young romance, which is, you know, having boyfriends, girlfriends, crushes. Like everything else, this is also happening at a much earlier age. And how is this something that can be navigated?

So children as early as 4th and 5th grade are getting attracted to others, right? And this is a very important connection point between a parent and a child. So always remember, the amount your child shares with you will depend on how you react to the little, little sharings that they are doing. If you're very calm, loving, accepting in the little sharings that they are doing, that means as they grow up, they will share the big stuff with you, right? So your responses are actually determining how much your child will share. So I always say this, if you want your child to be like really close to you, share everything with you, be very careful of your responses. So for example, so if your child comes and says, you know, this is a boy I like, Right, so at that time I would say instead of asking any questions, say, okay, again, how does that make you feel? That's, that's the good— how does that make you feel? What do you want to do about it? So child will say, okay, I like him, and that's it. I don't want to do anything about it. Perfect, right? So the more open you are— see, your openness will drive the closeness from your child. The more open you are, because children are seeing your body language, your facial expressions, you know, is Mama going to overreact? Is she going to get irritated? So my child me recently, Mama, are you okay with me dating? She actually asked me this, are you okay with me dating? So I felt very nice that you're asking me whether I'm okay with it. Oh, thank you so much for asking. That's what I said first, you know, I feel so nice you asked me something like this. Oh, I love you. And you know, all the loving and belonging. And then I said, what does dating mean? So first thing, it's very important to understand your child's definition and your definition are very different. For your child, dating could be as simple as, no, I like him, he likes me, and that's it. Story end. For me, dating could be holding hands, kissing, hugging, I don't know, going on dates, you know. So she said, no, I don't want to go on dates. I might like somebody, he might like me, that's it. I'm like, all right, would you like to do it? Yeah. Okay, I said, if you're okay with it. So it's always putting ownership back on the child. If you're okay with it, I'll be okay with it too, and I'd love it if you share things with me, right? Number 1. Number 2 is a very important question: Do you think it'll come between your goals? Okay, if you want your child to be driven, to be motivated, always assume that they have a plan for themselves. Your child's plan is a better plan than what I have for my child. My child's plan is better than what I have for my child. No, that's an assumption. So my daughter, she said, I want to become head girl of, you know, I want to become head girl when I'm in 11th grade. So she's written down, you know, these are the things: I want to be in the top 3 of my class, and I want to make sure I study every day, and I want to make sure I take the lead. So she has written this on her own without me telling her. And then I ask her, do you think this will come between your goals? Saying, no, I'll make sure it doesn't. All right. So the more ownership you give your child, the more self-motivated they become, the more driven they become, the more purposeful they become, the more they start thinking for themselves. And you're just a cheerleader at the back end for your child. You're not the controller, you're actually the influencer. You know, there's a big difference. Instead of controlling our children, let's influence our children.

Okay, and let's talk about a scenario where my my 7-year-old daughter has come and told me that, you know, Mama, my friend has a boyfriend and she really likes him. How do I react to that?

Wow, 7? It's happening so early, right?

I see it's happening super early. The girlfriend-boyfriend conversation is at 6 and 7 now, and I know this for a fact.

Yeah, yeah. So whatever you're feeling inside, don't let it show on your face. The panic. Yeah, no panic, no anxiety. No, like, what? So early? You've grown up. What the hell? No, none of that. Mhm. Do you want to tell me more? Okay, okay. Because you want your child to share more, right? And what the reason of this actually is, you want to understand how much your child knows all these topics, right? Any of these sensitive issues, whether it's, um, sex— can we talk about that? Anything, whether it's sex or, um, attraction or relationships or anything. The idea of this is, the first thing is you need to know how much your child already knows knows because they already know something and you can't ask them openly. You can't say, you know, what do you know about this? So when your child says, okay, tell me more, or who is a boyfriend, what is— you have to be very ignorant and very calm. What is a boyfriend for you? Who is a boyfriend? Okay, we have a lot of friends and that's completely fine. So it has to show in your facial expression and the way you say. And I think the The goal of these conversations is always trying to understand how much they already know about this topic. So like the F-word is a very common thing nowadays in first, second grade, you know, kids see the middle finger happening and all of that. And as parents, I think you are their touchpoint. They feel most comfortable with you. So if you ignore it or dismiss it, I think you're doing, you're being very injurious. You're doing injustice to your child because now you are depending that my child will find out from somewhere else. I don't need to tell my child. Doesn't make sense, right? I'm the person who is the most connected to my child, so all of this should be coming from me.

Correct. Absolutely.

So if my child comes and says, Mama, you know, this friend of mine, this boy showed me the middle finger, you listen and you say, what does that mean? What do you say? I don't know what it means. It's a bad word. It's okay. Would you like to use this bad word? No, Mama, I would not like to use it. All right, then just ignore it.

But how do you not engage in this whole lecture at that point that, you know, this is terrible and you, you know, kids should not be using this kind of language or these kind of gestures at this age?

Because it doesn't work. Lecturing doesn't work. It shuts down the child and it is teaching the child, next time don't tell anything to Mama because she will start with a lecture and it's forgotten. That's it.

I think this conversation is relevant for my parents also to watch today. I think that's the best part, literally. Um, also girls are getting their periods very, very early right now, at about the age of 9 and 10. How can parents navigate that?

So firstly, it's very important important to teach 9 and 10-year-olds to treat them differently than kids. They're not kids anymore. Preteens need to be treated differently than children, right? And it's important to educate them about their body and not rely on others to educate them or advertisements to educate them. It's important to educate them usually around 8, 8 and a half, 9. It's a great time to educate them, to talk about it, and to make them aware of it. And if it happens, yeah, it's a very natural phenomenon. It's a very natural part of growing up. And in fact, a lot of people may disagree, but I feel a mother and a father should equally talk about this. It should not be that, oh, periods are only like same gender, like a daughter only speaks to a mother and a son only speaks to his father. I feel gone are the days, you know, for great self-esteem, for a lot of confidence. It's very important for a child to feel safe having such conversations with both parents. And I can proudly say, you know, when I was growing up, I was so close to my father, Masoom. I would share about periods and boyfriends and crushes, everything with him. And that's what did all the foundation, all the building blocks of being able to do this today. Because there was no resistance. It was not like, oh, he's a man, I can't share. You know, it was always that— the strength that I got from my parents. So I feel I feel it's not a daughter only sharing with a mother. I think a father should also make her daughter as comfortable to share about these topics. Very important.

So I would actually love to do one of your activations right now, either your Inner Compass activation or anything you recommend, which would be interesting. I think everyone tuning in can listen to it and maybe have a strong takeaway from that as well, if you don't mind.

Yeah, sure, we'll try one. We'll see how that goes. So just give me a— like, give me the toughest problem you think a mother would— or you're having. Yeah. I'll teach you how to change the perspective of it, how to think differently. Is that okay?

Yeah, sure. I feel like my child resists everything that is set out for him. So he loves football and he loves sport and he loves tennis. And he is obsessed with it. But when he has to go for a class, he will really, really resist it, and he'll say, I don't want to go for tennis class.

Yeah.

Oh, I don't want to go for football. But the next morning he'll say, Mama, I really want to go for football class.

Yeah.

So there's almost like a disconnect, um, and I, I don't know how to deal with that.

So whenever your child resists something, there are a few checks that we need to check for. Um, it's like a hierarchy of needs. If the below needs are not met, the higher needs can never be met, right? So for example, if your child is resisting something, or if even a teenager is resisting something, the first thing is to check: have they eaten properly? Are they sorted? Have they eaten? Have they slept well? Um, have they had a good day? Are they feeling okay? Are they feeling good, or are they like hyper? Are they agitated? So this will set the context. Usually you'll see if your child has, you know, been overstimulated and school or not had a good day or has been going to football for the last 10 days will be bored the 11th day. That is usually what happens. 10 days you're doing something and you're fine, and 11th day you're like, I can't do it again. Because kids resist predictability. And this is the opposite of what people say. A lot of times we talk about toddlers want predictability and want routine. Predictability is boring. So every— so what I do, every 10 days, 10 days you do an activity, the 11th day you do something different. You know, you shock them, you surprise them, and then you make them crave for it. So let's say yesterday you didn't send your son for football. Today morning he said, Mom, I want to go to football. Why? There was a craving for it because he wanted to go. He didn't go that day, and then he wants to. When we want our children to do something, I think we should set them to crave for that thing, and when they start craving it, it happens, right? So this is a very normal thing that even teenagers face, that I don't want to do this class, I don't want to do that class. I feel like, um, the first way of dealing with it is saying, okay, you don't want to go today, let's not go today, but what would you do instead of this? So what is important is if your child is missing the football class, what is he doing instead? And here is where I would set boundary. So don't go to football class, but instead of— or don't go to school, but instead of that, there are some boundaries. You can't be watching TV, you can't be wasting your time, you can't be doing something that is not giving you that kick that football gives. Eventually, you know what your child will say? I'll just go to football. So it's the way of talking to your children where boundary setting is very important in parenting. So you give an alternative and you say, all this you can't do, but you don't need to go to football, no issues at all. So I talk a lot about if your child's inner compass is activated, they will make the right decisions. And most people come and tell me, but if my child, if I let my child make decisions, my child will say, I want to watch TV all day, or I don't want to go to school. If I put the decision-making thing in my child, my child will always make the wrong decision. And most parents have come and told me this. Here I want to ask you a few questions that will help you determine whether your child's inner compass is awake or sleeping. And if it's sleeping, then we need to work on it to activate it, because it's not that it's always activated. It starts to sleep, and as kids grow up, the inner compass becomes lazy. So the more you shout, scream, lecture, hit, force, threaten, nag, the inner compass starts sleeping. Now I'll just do— we do a longer format in our community. We'll do about 3-4 questions to understand whether our kids' inner compass is awake or asleep. Okay, so the first question I would ask you is, um, we— let's talk about a child being 10 approximately, right? Um, so if your child was given— if your child has already watched 40 minutes of TV, the remote is in front of them, and And if given a choice, would they switch off the TV or would they leave it on? Hmm, okay, right. So if you say no, that means that, oh no, the inner compass needs to be activated. Okay, right. Another question would be, um, what kind of conversations do you have with your child on a daily basis? Do you— is it more questioning or is it more idealizing? Now the difference 'What did you do? How was your day? What are you going to be doing?' As opposed to, 'What is your plan for your exam next week?' When we start idealizing plans and ideating plans, that's when the inner compass becomes more activated. Is this making sense?

Yeah, absolutely.

So if you want to activate your child's inner compass, your communication has to be, 'What's your plan to do your homework?' So yaa pe the magic is assuming. Like my child wants to do the homework, the will is there, but the skill is not there, right? Another question to do to understand if your child's Inner Compass is activated is, um, so again, my child did this one week. They ate a lot of junk in the holiday, all right? The next day she came back and she said, you know, I've eaten a lot of junk. Now next one week I'm doing a detox. I'm only gonna eat what is good for me. This is what my— this is the decision my child made. So this makes me feel like Yes, her inner compass is activated. That's why she's making this decision. So the idea is to understand that it's possible for children. In fact, the natural way is my child is going to make the right decision. But we think the opposite. We feel if I give my child chips and broccoli, my child will choose the chips. But honestly, I'm telling you, if their inner compass is activated, they will leave the chips and they will choose the broccoli because they know it's not helping them and they know Mama has no selfish interest. Mama is not even telling me. So I don't tell my kids to study ever, and that has worked for me like magic. Because I don't tell them to study, they come to me and they say, "Please, can you remind me to study? Please, can you tell me to study?" I said, "Why should I tell you? You want to study, you have a goal, you need to work for it. Me telling you to study will only make you more pressured and more irritable, and we will lose our connection. Why should I tell you to study? And my child will always come and say, Mama, just remind me. I'll say, okay, if you want me to remind you, I'll remind you, but you want to study, that's you. When we start separating, it's on you, it's because you want to work for yourself. We are really raising future leaders. And when we start saying things like, you have an exam, you need to study, then we're in fact, you know, making the inner compass more deactivated. And now they're like, chikhe, when Mama says, then I will do it. That's why repetition doesn't work, nagging doesn't work. Because my clock is telling me when Mama tells me. Mama will tell me when it's time to eat. The body clock has slept off. I don't feel hungry. You'll see teenagers, they don't get hungry. They wait. Mama will tell me when the food is on the table, and then I'll go and eat, right? So what we want to do essentially is activate their inner needs, activate their 'I want to eat,' 'I want to study,' 'I want to look good,' 'I want to be clean.' Because most problems that teenage parents have is when they come and say, my child is 14, and it's been 5 hours she's been awake, she's not brushed her teeth yet. This is a very common problem I have seen.

Really?

And the parent gets really frustrated. You know, I've told her 5,000 times and she's not brushing her teeth. That's because she doesn't feel the need to brush her teeth. And why doesn't she feel the need? Because you're telling her 100 times, so she thinks that, you know, Mama's telling me and she's just like, she's zoned out, right? So the solution here is, if your child is doing this, you know that my child's inner compass needs to be activated. I know it's possible, and if I do the tools and I follow the system, in 21 days it's possible. Very honestly, it's not rocket science. It doesn't take too much time, but accidentally it will not be built. Like, after 18, I feel like it's too late, to be very be honest. After 18, if you now get down to connecting and communicating and changing your ways, I think you've lost out on the prime time of your child's growth. And now it'll be— it'll take 100 times more effort, time, and energy. So 7 to 16 is the right time. After 16, again harder.

If parents can take away one actionable piece of advice from today's conversation, what would it be?

Before correcting your child, think about what your child needs and how you can connect with them. So multiple ways of understanding how you can connect with your child. And actually, whenever your child does anything wrong, start becoming happier about it, because it's better that they've done something wrong in front of you you rather than when they do it when they're away from you. When they're doing it in front of you, it's a cry for help, it's a cry for connection. Every misbehavior is a cry for connection. So the takeaway is, whenever my child does something wrong, misbehaves, at that time I know it's my golden period to connect with them. I can build the trust, I can build the love, I can be there for my child, which will last for a lifetime.

Thank you. This is really such an insightful conversation, and I'm sure everyone tuning in is probably taking notes through all of it. Thank you. Thank you for being here today, and thank you for sharing so much incredible information with us.

Thank you so much for having me. Thank you.

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