Ep. 139 Coping with Criticism

Hey there, Mark Brown. Have you ever been criticized about your presentation?

Are you kidding me? I have gotten it from all places, all points and all quality of people as well.

Oh my God, you not Mark Brown.

You're so kind, my friend. You're so kind.

The eloquent voice of God. Who could critique that? Coping with criticism. How do you do that? In order to get better and be unforgettable. Unforgettable.

Anyone can give a presentation. Few deliver unforgettable presentations. What's the difference? You're about to find out. Welcome to the Unforgettable Presentations podcasts with your hosts, world champion speakers and coaches, Mark Brown.

Mark Brown, your life tells a story and there's someone out there who needs to hear it.

And Darren Lacroix. And Darren Lacroix.

Stage time. Stage time. Stage time.

Ready for some powerful presentation. Ahas, let's dive right in.

Oh, Mark Brown, Mark, I gotta jump in. My favorite story, you know Frip story. Patricia Fripp. Those of you don't know her, the first female president of nsa. Friend, mentor, amazing human being, legend. And she tells this story that she delivered this presentation, a keynote speech at Toastmasters at a big convention. And someone came up to her after and said, do you mind if I give you some feedback? She said, no, meaning I don't want the feedback. Now's not the time. And diving right in. I think timing matters too. There's a time to give, let's say, constructive criticism to a speaker. It's not when they're in the speaker's high, right when they walk off stage, that is not the time. And I love Patricia's guideline on this. She usually waits a few days before she'll send somebody and she'll email them because that also softens it a little because she understands too that a lot of people like us feel put her up on a pedestal. So what she says and how she says it is gonna go deeper into me than most people. You know, sometimes we can be the duck and it just rolls right off the back. But when it is somebody who you respect and admire and knows the subject of speaking, you kind of take it a little more personally.

Well, Darren, there is a little piece to that story. I recall her telling me privately she was on her way to deliver a breakout session. To go back to your point about timing, yes, you may have the well intentioned idea of sharing something valuable, but if someone is going to deliver a presentation, it's like, Darren, son, I can't find my seat. You were in the World Championships you were keyed up, your energy is going, and your dad couldn't find a seat. You said, dad, not now. And we have to be respectful of people's time and the timing because you never know how a particular speaker may react. And you, as a speaker, may not take it well when you have just delivered a presentation. You're honest because high. But, you know, I must now go and deliver a breakout session. I want to make sure everything's in order. My slides are ready. I've already done a test, but I want to make sure it's in order. You're hurrying to get to the room because as conferences go, generally it's boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. You get like 10 minutes to get to your room and get settled. You're in a different frame of mind. As someone who wants to help, we have to be understanding and realize it may not be the best time. As a speaker who's receiving it, we need the intestinal fortitude to say, listen, I really can't handle that right now. I mean, my brain is engaged in service. And right now, as well intended as you may be, what you have to offer may not serve me, and therefore, by default, may not serve my audience as well. And I have an experience.

Mark, that was well said. I like her answer better. No, no.

Well, listen, I can remember myself having to deal with this now. Those who are listening to our podcast will not see the visual I'm going to use here, but I will try to describe it in the best way possible. I want to bring you back 27 years. 1995 Toastmasters International Convention in San Diego, California. I have just been named the world champion of public speaking. My wife, my three children, as young as 9 months and 7 years old, 8 years old, are with me at this event, and we are absolutely thrilled. I had this accomplishment again. I brought my family with with me. Darren, we go to the pool at the Town and Country Resort there in San Diego. And my son, David, he's eight and a half months old. I'm literally holding my son in my arms. Now, those who are seeing a video of this, if you see a video, you'll see a picture of me holding my baby son at the pool in his swaddling clothes. On my shoulder, he's sleeping. I have been named the world champion. And someone comes to me at the pool and says, hey, Mark, I've got something to tell you. I got a question for you. You stepped on a laugh in your speech. Why did you do that? To discuss timing. Here's the context. Now Okay. I have been named the world champion. I'm on a high, my wife is there, my kids are there. I'm holding my 8 and a half month old baby by the pool with one thought in mind. After six months of work, I get to finally relax and enjoy my family on a vacation. Dude, don't you see my tongue in my arms? My wife's right there, my kids. Are you going to challenge me and criticize me in public? In a public place, loudly, in front of an audience? And by God's grace, Darren, he gave me the wisdom to respond and I said, you know, you're absolutely right. I did step on a laugh because the audience laughed. The famous why laugh, Darren? Those who don't, don't know what I mean. Go and look at my speech on YouTube. You see, you see the word why? Why significant. I said the audience laughed at that point where I didn't expect it. And the last thing I wanted to do was to allow the audience to laugh so long and risk going over time and tossing six months of work down the drain. So, yes, I did step on a laugh, deliberately and strategically. And thankfully, I didn't go over time and I won the world championships. Shut him up. Shut him down. He walked away and people were saying, mark, good answer. Good on you. That was great. But he really thought he could show up the world champion. There are people out there. Please hear me. There are people out there who will try to find the most nitpicky, annoying thing about your presentation just to get under your skin. And there are those, not too many of them, who want to let you know they are better than you or they know more than you do. And I don't know why humans do that, but they do. So my advice to you, based on my experience, is maintain your composure as Fripp did. If you choose to answer, answer respectfully. You take the high road and have dignity in those situations. I will never forget that day and I will never forget the experience. And I will confess I was upset because my wife and my kids were there. I was holding my baby in my arms and the individual chose to challenge me. Here's the bad news. Individuals will challenge you. The question is, how do you cope with criticism, particularly in those bad timing situations.

Yeah, there's so much to learn and we gotta remember that when you're the keynote speaker, whether it's, yes, we're world champions at a Toastmaster conference. Yeah, you know, some people are gunning for you because they want to take you down, but if you're A keynote speaker at any convention or conference, you have somebody there who thinks they should have been the keynote speaker, where that can happen. So when you put yourself out there, when you're on stage, there are gonna be those critics. Like, that's just human programming. And you can't control that. You can control, as it's been said a million times, how you react to it. And that's what we're trying to give you, that thick skin and understand that we get it. Everyone gets it. We can tell a lot of stories, but this is not about our stories. It's about helping you to be able to cope with the criticism.

Yes. And there's something else, particularly if you're a toastmaster, you will find yourself delivering a presentation to an audience of eager fellow toastmasters. Not every audience is going to be friendly, but in Toastmasters, we get to ask our audience what they saw, what they heard, what they think and how they felt, which is good. And sometimes you may have an individual who is very critical of your presentation. But here's my advice to you in that situation. If you have 10, 12, or 20 people who are offering your opinions, offering you their opinions, who are sharing what they experience from hearing you speak, and there is one person who was critical because your left nostril was flaring when you spoke, or something like that. I'm being very serious. I'm being silly, but I'm also being serious. Consider. What does the majority tell you generally? A majority, if they give you the same answers, they're telling you what they may have disliked or liked about your speech. My caution is there are times you'll get one individual, and sometimes they may be higher in the hierarchy than you may be. Or I had someone who's a distinguished toastmaster of many years tell me this, and I'm going to offend some toastmasters. Now, not every distinguished toastmaster is a great speaker.

Preacher brother.

I've been involved almost 30 years, okay? I went to my first meeting on December 7, 1992, almost 30 years ago. Not every DTM is a great speaker. Not every DTM is a good contest judge. So please don't think because of a letter behind their name. And they told you they were the one person out of 50 who was nitpicky and criticized you. Don't let that one person's opinion change who you are. You may want to take it under advisement if it's valid. What can I take from that criticism to help me? But some people, as Darren says, they don't want to shut you Down. They want to take you down. Bear in mind, if the majority is not saying that, if it is one person, it's quite possible they're simply giving you their opinion. And most people, when they give you an opinion, they're telling you, if I were you, I would have done that. And because you didn't do what I did, you were wrong. Please hear my heart, friends. That is more common than you know. So think of what the majority are telling you. If it is one person being highly critical, I beg of you, please do not let that person drive you to drink or drive you crazy, because I couldn't. Please. A distinguished Toastmaster. Oh, that particular person is a CFO of a company, but therefore, they know more than I do. They may not know more than you do. They may be more opinionated than you are. That's all. Just more opinionated. So take into consideration what is the majority telling you. And if you can, with experience, if I can find one bit of value in what they say, again, with grace, dignity and composure, receive it and use it. And honestly, some opinions belong in the circular file cabinet. Just trash it. It's just their opinion, and it doesn't work for you. So I want to urge you to think about that carefully and remember the last time you received criticism. How did you respond? And how could you possibly change that going forward?

Yeah. And you know what? Sometimes they're right. Sometimes they're right. Like that gentleman who gave you criticism. He was correct. You did step on a laugh. But that's not the big picture. And if I went back and studied my own World Championship speech, I would change a few things. But guess what? In the moment, I was perfectly connected with the audience. So when you're perfectly connected, the little things don't matter. I remember studying Ed Tate's speech and seeing that he had a few verbal stumbles, and that was releasing to me. I'm like, how cool. I don't have to be perfect. We wanna go for the perfect connection. But sometimes they're right. And it's still okay. It's still how you don't let them take you out. Mark, I don't know if you remember my story, but I was speaking early on in my career at a keynote, not a Toastmaster event at all. And I was up on stage and I told my famous valet story about this Asian American valet who. He actually helped me out. He was the hero of the story.

Guru.

Yeah, he was the. Yeah, he was the guru. He was the guide. And I had somebody who happened to be a toastmaster who was in the audience? Well, actually, no, they weren't even a Toastmaster. But they were in the audience. They sent an email to the event planner that said, how dare I say he was Asian American? He was. And in my opinion at that time, where I was at there was. That's how I described him. It was the truth. And he was the hero. I was not making fun of him. He was the one who helped me. And this person, this woman, went as far as contacting Toastmasters International to have my trophy taken away.

Wow. Wow.

It wasn't a Toastmasters event. She wasn't a toastmaster. What? And that's that 1%, Mark, that you're talking about. Here's the other thing that we need to keep in mind, and we need to frame the criticism that sometimes that 1%, we don't know what's going on in their life. We don't know their story. They could have just found out their parents had cancer. Their kid might have passed away. They might have been served divorce papers that day. You just happened to be the person that was in front of them, that was in authority. Cause you were the speaker that they wanted to lash out at because they were hurting sometimes. Again, like you said, that intent. What's that intent? And I don't know if you knew the rest of the story, but I actually called up David Brooks. I told him the story, and he was the one who settled me and said, no, no, no, your intent was good. He was the guide. He was the hero. And it just helped me to be able to handle the criticism. So sometimes if we have criticism and you're really not sure, maybe you need to reach out to a mentor, a coach, someone that you're close to. And had I said something that was inappropriate, my mentor in a private setting would have told me the truth. I would have corrected my journey, my path from then on out, so it would have served future audiences. In this case, there wasn't. But I had the wherewithal to go to someone I trusted in a controlled setting where other people weren't listening. It was just private, him and I. And he gave me honest feedback that I was okay. It was that 1%. So don't let that 1% who's having a bad day take it out on you. And that's why what Mark's saying, if several people came up to me and said, well, why was he Asian American? Then? It might have been an issue. Okay, we're looking for commonalities.

Mark, couple thoughts on that. Now, that was 20 years ago, and I realized we're now in a different millennium. 2022 is a different time, a different season, and we all, as presenters really have to be almost uber sensitive now, particularly when it comes to ethnicity and orientation or whatever we want. You know how we want to look at those, how we look at the identifiers we use when we tell our stories. I didn't see this coming 25 years ago, but clearly it is where we are now. We do need to be sensitive, and perhaps particularly now in 2022, we have to be very careful how we describe individuals and characters in our presentations. And I confess I'm 60 years old, almost 61 years old, and for me, it's difficult to navigate this, but I'm trying my best. So while I ask that you give us grace to do what is best as we learn about these changes, I also ask you as a presenter, when you're criticized at times, to give some grace. As Darren says, you don't know what they're dealing with, where they're coming from. And the most difficult piece I want to add on here is this. Yes, you may get scathing criticism. You may think it's unfair, unjust, yes, Coming from somebody in the loony bin who was crazy. However, I've had to work at this. Always try to find value in every bit of criticism. I'm going to confess, Darren, I never told you this. I have never liked conference event session evaluations. I have never liked them because my brain always looks for the negative comments first. And while my ego may not like it, I have to look for the gold and the value in every bit of criticism. Sometimes it seems extra harsh to me. But why did they see that? What could I have done differently? I gave talks in schools for over a decade, almost 20 years. And I recall a principal, one day of a middle school, put me into her office after my talk and pointed something out to me I had never seen before. And I am thankful that she did. I've been doing this for like 6 years, and no one ever said, you might not want to say that in that particular way. And here's why. So we have to look for the value now. It's easy. I will confess, it is easy being a CSP certified speaking professional and a world champion. And Darren, you know this. Your ego can get in the way, especially when you get applause and standing those pats on the back. You get asked for autographs, photographs. Within our small Toastmaster world, we can be big fish. But we have to bear in mind, no matter who comes Forward to us with a criticism. Is there value there? They may tell me 10 things I disagree with, but is there one that has some merit that I can maybe look at more closely and adjust? And if you have doubt, bring that to your mentor, someone who you know and trust, someone who will advise you. You know, hey, Darren, somebody told me this and I never saw that. Do you think it's possible and you could say, mark, you know what? I see what they're saying. Like you, I never saw that before, but you might want to consider modifying that. That's how we can grow to go from good to great to unforgettable. Don't just be dismissive. Ask yourself, is there value there? Now there's. Sometimes you want to say no, like Fripp did. I was in Sri Lanka one time doing a presentation. Big auditorium, big event, wonderful event. And it was over. I was doing a photograph thing and one individual came to me down in the story and said, Mr. Brown said yes. Do you realize during your speech you put your hand in your pocket? That's a no? No, we don't put our hands in our pockets. It's not very professional. And I smile. I said, well, thank you, I appreciate that. You know, I realize I didn't really think about that because I spent most of my time in junior and senior high schools. And when I talk to young people, I want to be as relaxed as possible so they don't see me as an authority figure. I don't wear a coat and tie because they think authority. They think principal, headmaster, superintendent, they think authority figure. I want the kids to like me. So I wear. I dress casually, button down or a polo shirt. I wear slacks and sneakers sometimes. And I'll put my hand in my pocket for two reasons. One, to look casual and two, to click my clicker so they can't see it. So I told them why I did it and I said, well, thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate your comment. And that was years ago. And to this day, when I see that person at a convention or a meeting or a conference, we cannot smile at each other because they know we remember the incident where they gave me that criticism. Now, it didn't sting me. I had to understand where they were coming from and their understanding of what constitutes appropriate behavior for representation. So take whatever you can from it and modify as you need to, but don't simply write them off when you are in a position to receive it. The caveat is when you're on the speaker's high on your way to A meeting with your wife and kids by the pool with a baby in your arms. You don't want to hear it. You really don't want to hear it. So while we ask you to give some grace when you find yourself being the critic, be mindful of what you say, when you say, in what context you say it. Because sometimes the tables can be turned and you become the one who has to be mindful of what you say to a speaker.

Yeah, I've been guilty in the past of trying to be right. I'm right. But I'm looking at that smaller picture because I don't have necessarily the bigger picture. So as guilty as I am, I've also had people who have learned how to give feedback. And like you're saying, some of our friends and toastmasters who. You can't have your hand in your pocket. Well, there's a reason for it. In my championship speech, I had my hand in my pocket, but I was the character that I was trying to show the emotion and the ego in the character, so it worked. So there's a time and a place to break the rules, if you understand the rules at the world class level. So you're going to get some criticism, especially if you're a toastmaster, from some well meaning people. They, they, well, they want to help you, but they also maybe more importantly want to be right and teach you something. I've had, Mark, you've heard my joke before. I've had people come up to me after a keynote at a district. I rocked the house. My intention was great. People loved it, they were inspired. They had new ideas, new techniques. And I have somebody come up and say, do you know you had three ums and two ahs, like, what do you know? I get the trophy and I don't care.

She didn't answer like that, though.

No, I say it from the stage as a joke and always gets a huge laugh. But it's really not about the trophy. It's that they latched on to that little bit of feedback. But in an hour and a half and 90 minutes, if you say one or two ahs, now, if they're hyper focused looking for that, because that's how they're programmed, they're gonna find it. Congratulations, you found it. But the true impact and the real, you know, the real privilege we have of that platform to serve the audience and inspire them and give them new ideas and new insights, you're gonna have some people who, like, they came there with their own agenda and they're looking for an um or an ah. And guess what? They're gonna find it. Congratulations, you found it. I'm not worried about that. Should I have 64 ums and ahs in seven minutes? No, and we need to work on that. And that's good to try and eliminate that. Mark, when we make the podcast and I edit it, I'm cutting out some of our ums and ahs because I can edit it. And it's okay. It's normal. What we're trying to do is remove the distracting ums and ahs. But when you get criticism from people, also consider, you know, where they're coming from, but also honor. And like Mark said, give them grace. Don't you. Don't be that duck. Let it roll off. But also, look, is there a little bit of truth? You know, is there a little bit of truth that we can learn from? So I don't worry about two or three ums and ahs in 90 minutes.

You know, an um is good. I'm an um.

I'm going to leave that one in, by the way.

Perfect. Perfect. We do want to encourage particularly new and emerging speakers. You and I will get criticism, how we respond. It's going to be important. And lest anyone think we're knocking toastmasters, I am a toastmaster. I paid my dues last week for my club in Macon, Georgia. Okay, So I loved, as Darren says, I respect the organization. It changed my life. Okay. I would not do what I do today had it not been for Toast Masters International. Don't get me wrong, but I also know many of us have been trained so well to be evaluators. We find ourselves even subconsciously counting the ums and the ahs and looking for them. So here's my not so humorous challenge for you. If your focus is finding ums, ahs, how much content are you really absorbing? Ouch. I shouldn't say that right? Should I? But I can only say that because I found myself guilty of it. I used to work at Reader's Digest in New York several years ago in the 1990s, and we had a distinguished speaker program where every so often they'd have someone come to the Wallace Auditorium and deliver a presentation. The same auditorium you and I met to rehearse in Darien back in 2001. One of our guests, distinguished guests was Dan Rather, the anchor of the cbs. I mean, he was internationally known. This man was in American households from coast to coast every night. And I was shocked. I stopped counting his ums at about 122 because he said a Lot of ums and ahs. And I realized, yes, he does read his teleprompter on the nightly news. But I kept counting and I realized, hey, dude, you're counting his ums. What's he saying? What story is he telling? What wisdom is he dropping on you? I literally put the paper. I stopped counting the ums and I realized I. I had been distracted trying to pick out the ums and ahs of this great television person. And sometimes there are those who will say, oh, world champion speaker cpae. Oh, Darren Lacroix, Mark Brown, whatever, and say, oh, let's see how co smooth they are. And I've had conversations with other, other toastmasters, world champions who've been given the same criticism. We heard you use two ums in your one hour keynote today. What's up with that? We don't do ums and Toastmasters. We. I'm like, dude, really? What did I talk about? Well, you said twice. What was my message? You said twice, dude. That tells me perhaps our focus needs to be shifted. Yes, we may notice the verbal pauses, but are we keying on the message that the speaker has worked so hard to prepare and present? Speakers, if you're like me, and I believe most of you are, I view the responsibility and the platform privilege as an awesome responsibility. I work hard to prepare a gift for my audience, and I know there are those who will be critical, particularly if I don't do that well. But as the speaker, remember, if you're working hard to give your gift to the audience, it is our hope that they will see the effort. They will get the message, and they'll see our intent and our heart is to bless and provide them with information, with tools, with techniques to enrich their lives, to do something better and to give value to them. Conversely, when you are in the audience, you need to understand your speaker has done just that. They have worked really hard to prepare and present to you what they believe will provide value to you. So while you may have valid criticisms, do not discount the value they bring. That may give you some perspective, and it may soften your approach when you talk to them about the concerns that you may have.

Yeah. What are you looking for as an audience member? What are you looking for? And Mark, I love that. Your humility and that you said exactly that story that you were looking for, the ums and ahs. Look, we're not trying to say we know everything, don't critique us. We're saying we did these mistakes. We were rude, we gave people criticism that they didn't ask for.

Oh, yeah.

Mark, there's one cure for criticism. Don't take the stage.

Ooh, wow.

With the privilege comes the responsibility. And criticism is going to come from that.

Yeah.

That's just part of what we do. So we have to work on ourselves, on how we cope with it, how we deal with it, and we can't let it stop us or slow us down.

We.

What's more important, your next audience or that bit of criticism? And is there a little bit of truth in that criticism that could help prepare you for the next audience? We've made the mistakes. We've gotten the criticism. Guess what? We're gonna get more. We're gonna get more. But again, it's how you process it that truly helps you cope or helps you take it personally. And by the way, when you get it, here's one frame that you can use. They're giving you criticism on one moment in time.

Right.

They're not necessarily giving you criticism on the person you are. Now. If it's something you did off stage, then that's different. But if it's something you did on stage, it's just a moment in time. So hold that thought. I love there was interview that Oprah did with Steven Tyler from Aerosmith, and when he was a judge on American Idol, he said, when I say you're not the American Idol, he said, I'm saying you're not the American Idol today. All that means is you got to go back to the clubs and learn a few more things. And that's exactly the same. Now, he was talking about nightclubs and performing. We're talking about toastmaster clubs or. Or NSA clubs or speaking clubs. You just need to get out there more, learn a few more things. And if you let the criticism stop you, then the critic won.

Well, you know, Darren, you just gave us some real goal here. And I'm hoping everyone hears this. Essentially, they may be criticizing your performance on the day. It's not you as a human being, as a person. And one of the mistakes that we can make is we accept and receive criticism of our performance and assume it's criticism of us as a human being and as a person. I suspect. No, I don't suspect. I submit that'd be a mistake that you can make. We all have good days, we all have bad days. I can remember being criticized as a soccer referee in the Bronx when I was doing semi pro soccer back in the day and I had guys threatened to shoot me. Man, I'm not kidding to shoot me because I made A bad call, and I know the call was bad. And there are times I've actually rehearsed when I messed up. And perhaps we can do that, too. When you are criticized, you receive criticism. It may be wise for you to rehearse what happened. Play over in your mind. If you have video recording of it, watch the video again. Oh, you know what? I should not have said that. I shouldn't have done that. I intended to do something else. But rehearse it, review it, and ask yourself, how could I make a change based upon the criticism? And one more thought. Please bear in mind different people communicate in different ways. Some people can be very gentle but very firm in criticism. Others place no emotional value. And they'll say the first thing that comes to their mind in the most harsh and unfeeling and almost unemotional way. And we take it emotionally. And it can hurt us, it can wound us, it could crush us. If we understand what their intent is, it might help us to not take it so personally and feel that, oh, my gosh, they were so mean to me. Because some people don't associate emotion with words. For them, words are simply a means to convey a message with no consideration for how it makes you feel. And maybe you're that person who will just say, hey, that was terrible. Don't do it that way again, where somebody else may say, you know, Mark, I get your intent, but you might want to consider rephrasing that particular sentence because it may be offensive to somebody who you don't realize it. So I wouldn't recommend you say it that way. Find a way to say it with more grace and more understanding so your global audience is more receptive. So the second person and the first person in their mind just said the same thing, but the way it came out was very, very different. Please bear in mind sometimes the intent is good, but the language used is not as pleasant as you would like. Always find the gold. Rehearse what happened and see how you can make amendments going forward to serve your broader audience.

If you want to be unforgettable, you've got to learn to cope with criticism. Mark Brown, final thoughts.

We have been criticized. You and I will be criticized, and you and I will offer criticism. Let's give grace. Let's learn from the experiences so we can all grow from good to great to unforgettable. See you next week. All right.

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