Ep. 268 MONIKA’S STORY

Hey there, Mark Brown. So if you're listening to this, you know we talked about the people that we had coached in Sydney, Australia and the event that Mark kicked butt on and we kicked butt because they kicked butt. So one of our favorites that we've ever coached, ever in the history of coaching we have with us today Monica and Mark, I'm gonna let you kind of set it up a little for the teaser.

What I will say is we got Monica who had never given a talk before and she had to face her peers with a powerful story. And today we're going to talk with her about her story. Let's listen up.

Anyone can give a presentation. Few deliver unforgettable presentations. What's the difference? You're about to find out. Welcome to the unforgettable presentations podcast with your host, hosts world champion speakers and coaches, Mark Brown.

Mark Brown, your life tells a story and there's someone out there who needs to hear it.

And Darren Lacroix. And Darren Lacroix.

Stage time.

Stage time. Stage time.

Ready for some powerful presentation. Ahas, let's dive right in.

So Mark, I will let you introduce our guest formally.

Hey. We have with us today one of my favorite people from the young president's organization, YPO Sydney chapter, Monica. How are you today?

Very well, thank you. How are you?

I'm so, I'm just wonderful. And it's Calaris, right? If you're Aussie, it's Kolaris even though it's a Greek name. Monica. Calaras and Monica, you had an interesting experience. We were sent to you as one of the three speakers for a special event on Be unforgettable in Sydney a couple weeks ago and you said yes but you wanted to say no. Why is that?

It's an extremely nerve wracking experience to pour your heart out and be completely vulnerable to is that you're not actually you don't know so well. You don't know them as well as your friendship group that you see on weekends. And they didn't know me from a bar of soap to be honest. Most of them apart from surface level of you're married, you've got a few kids and then to get up on stage and say is all of me and be completely raw is a nerve wracking experience. And then to try to really want to give 110% of myself, I like to do things well. So to try to execute have in my head I want to execute this very well without being overcome with nerves. It was just I thought I don't know how on earth I'm going to do this. It sounded impossible. Impossible.

Well, I want to go backwards because when we first spoke with you, you weren't even too sure. You were asking, why would they want to hear my story? And I'm curious to know why you thought your story was. Was not worth sharing.

Monica, to me, it's. There's a few reasons. I do believe we all have our own hardships and that we all face our own challenges. I wondered why mine would have been particularly of interest to anybody, what people could particularly relate to. I also don't want pity from people I wanted to inspire. And I didn't want to sound like I was searching for sympathy rather than empathy. And. And I just thought, well, isn't something that I have to share quite standard? Why would people be interested? It's. I'm just a normal person. I haven't flown to the moon. I haven't done anything particularly exciting for me. My life just feels quite ordinary, you.

Know, two things I always say. Your life tells a story, and there's someone out there who needs to hear it. And you just said my life seems quite ordinary. I also say one man's mundane is another man's magnificent. And Darren and I were convinced that your story was powerful enough and inspirational enough to be shared. So when you first told us, I'm not sure I even. Why would anybody want to hear my story? And we gave you a different perspective. What made you decide to go through with it?

I felt confident working with you two. The two of you really believed in me. And I thought you said that you'd hold my hand through the whole process. And I believed you and you certainly did. And I thought, well, if these guys who barely know me, who've just met me, have faith in me, then I should have some faith in myself. And I tell my kids we need to do hard things. And I thought I better listen to my own advice.

Inspire by example.

Yeah. And I'm glad I did.

Well, we're certainly glad you did, too. And from what I heard in the reports and the people who came to you after, we'll get to that shortly. But I'm curious. I know you went very deep. And would you be just willing to share a little bit of what your story was?

Sure. I was a refugee at the age of two in 1991. We fled from former Yugoslavia, Croatia, just as the war broke out. We had very little time to flee the country, move to Australia, always thinking that we'd go back to Croatia, naively not Realizing how long a war can actually go on. We ended up staying in Australia. I faced so much loneliness, so much pain in my very early years. Elementary school for me was very, very difficult. A lot of racism here in Australia in the 90s. It was very difficult to get through those junior years. And learning how to speak English at the same time as forming friendships was very challenging as a child. And I remember it all vividly then. My father became extremely controlling, both of my parents, particularly my father, who it eventually turned abusive physically, mentally, emotionally. That continued from my. That was from my early childhood, continued all the way through to my early adult years until I finally distanced myself from them after trying numerous times to establish healthy boundaries so that we could maintain some sort of relationship. It just never worked. And during that period, I'd started high school, finished high school When I was 17, I was sexually assaulted, which is horrible. Something I could never. My parents don't know that to this day, that I could never seek any help during that time. Then at 18, meeting John, who I eventually marry, and he was just. He's been an anchor in my life from that moment. He's a true hero for me in my story, and I met him at just the right time. So thank God I had him through all of that because the journey after breaking away from my family was extremely difficult, extremely turbulent. I'm forging my own path. It's been ups and downs, anxiety, and realizing I had ptsd. It's been quite the journey, and I've had to work really hard to heal. Hasn't been a linear journey, but I'm getting there. I'm getting there. I'm slowly healing, and I'm working really hard to maintain that path.

And can you see now, after you've gone through this experience with. Not only with Mark and me, but then delivering it to an audience, can you see how relatable, even if maybe people couldn't relate to the literal, some of it because of how deep it really was, but to the emotional feelings that they've been through, that they had to distance themselves, that they had to deal with some kind of abuse or loneliness. And of course, everyone needs a John.

Yes, it's. Oh, absolutely. I've come to know as well also over the course of the last couple of years, while I've slowly become more vulnerable, but particularly after sharing this speech last week, that more people than you realize encounter difficulties within their family units. And a lot of people have unhealthy relationships with their parents. And sharing that this is quite common. And there is a path forward, has helped people. And it felt really empowering for me to later on receive that feedback from people and have people reach out to me saying how touched they were and, you know, me too, and whether it's a sibling, a parent, it's so common. And that underlying emotion that we all have in common of, you know, the pain, the struggle, the anxieties, the. The obligation that you often feel, particularly to family members, to hang on longer than what you should, and just how difficult a toxic relationship can be.

Now, Monica, as an aftermath, I'm curious to know. I'm sure listeners and viewers want to know in the aftermath of what you didn't expect, what has happened since you delivered it as recently as the night itself on Thursday night and then over the last week, what kind of reaction do you get? What are people saying to you? How are they responding, having heard your message and seeing you in a different light now, what's happening on that front, on that.

On the evening immediately after the event, so many people came up to me thanking me, what I had shared and people I had never met before. I couldn't believe how many people were flowing into the room. And I was looking at them thinking, I've never met any of these people. Oh, my goodness, what are they going to think? I have no idea who they are because the two different chapters came together. I'd never met anybody from the other chapter. And of course, there's people from your own chapter who might not attend events frequently and you don't see them as often. And it was these people who came up to me afterwards, birthday, introducing themselves, and there are two different women who said, can I give you a hug, please? That was. That was so empowering. You did. I can't believe how you delivered that. That would have been so difficult. And you just trumped it. And it was really, really touching. And then later that evening, I had text messages flooding through from people just saying, that was incredible. Some people told me that I was a natural born speaker. And then the following day, the most touching thing for me was receiving an email from a YPO member in our chapter who I recognize him, but we've never had a conversation before. And he sent me an email telling me that he thanked me deeply for sharing my story. He expressed how difficult it must have been for me to do that and how much he'd love for me to meet his daughter. He also asked me to share my favorite charity with him, that he'd like to make a donation. And that was very, very touching. That email Brought me to tears. I was really touched. Not that it makes a huge difference, but I actually found it really beautiful that it was from a. A male. Because women will often connect with another woman with what you've endured and of course men do as well. But particularly when it's a woman sharing this story, naturally I think a female feels much more drawn and comfortable perhaps to express connection with you. But to have this male member say that to me, I really, I was extremely flattered that he would like for me to meet his daughter. And that would be an honor.

See, that's impact there, Monica. And I know going in you aren't thinking that you're gonna get an email or a text or anything of that nature. And the aftermath, in the aftermath of your presentation, you realize you had more impact than you thought. And I don't think Darren knows this piece, but you and I had a conversation before the event on Thursday.

Oh.

When we met for our final rehearsal at the work group meeting and you said to me a couple of days before I got to Sydney, you were still having second thoughts. What was going on there?

There was honestly not once I was rehearsing and rehearsing. As I said, I'm a perfectionist and I like to do things well. And every single time I rehearsed I'd get completely choked up. But I could barely continue at a certain point in my speech and I just think, what am I doing? I don't want to be up there a blubbering mess. This is a full on story. You're going to scare people and they don't want to hear this. And someone could take this the wrong way. And I just thought, I don't know if I'm ready for this because of the emotions that were overflowing. Yeah. I just, honestly, even in the hotel room a couple of hours beforehand when I was rehearsing, I just, my heart felt like it was in my throat. And even at that point I was thinking, how am I going to get through this if I can't even do it in my hotel room? But I did.

And John, of course, was so supportive, so encouraging. I met John, a sweet gentleman, and I can tell you two are a wonderful couple. And I want to thank you for being willing to trust us in the way that you did.

Yes.

And maybe, maybe you're hearing this in Monica's voice. She was not the most confident presenter because she had not done this before. It was definitely a risk, but Darren and I both made you a promise. We'd be with you the Whole way, I told you I would be there for you in the front row. You'll see my Jamaican face smiling at you. And let's be honest here, many of us, when we present under those circumstances, we use what's called a confidence monitor. We can look at our notes and follow along. And I know you were concerned about the mechanics. Well, who will click the confidence monitor? Well, I told you I would do it. And I made a commitment to do everything I could to make sure you were fully comfortable. And, and here's the truth, Monica, as to why Darren and I believe with all of our hearts that your message would be powerful. We were committed to doing everything possible to make sure all you had to do was stand there and deliver the presentation. So now I'm going to ask you to take us inside the moment you've rehearsed. You know your marks on the stage. You're standing there, the video ends. People are applauding video. And you begin the presentation. You're facing 100 plus people in a theater all looking at you. The lights are on you. What's going through your mind as you begin?

I know that I can get into my own head. And I firmly believe in the power of the mind. And as that video ended, I thought, this is not your time to cry. You can watch that video again later and cry. And I just said to myself, get up there. You know this, you've done this. This is your shot. Give it your all. And you can do it exactly how you have been manifesting that you can do it. And I was. I've been visualizing the way that I would have loved to present this presentation. And I just said to myself, do it and do it exactly how you want to. And you can.

And you begin. Okay.

I just got up there, took a deep breath, and realized I barely even, I think only a few times I had to glance at the monitor. I had remembered most of it. Yeah, barely needed to glance. And it all just came to me.

Nice.

When did you feel, I'm in the moment. I'm just going to do this. At what point did you feel that level of comfort on stage?

I think if I'm picturing the positions. The first, yeah, I'd say position three I had. Which was, I believe, when I started to talk about John. As I got really two minutes into two, three minutes into it, I really started to ease in. I'd realized in my head, I was like, oh, I'm remembering this. I do know what comes next. I didn't even need dots on the Floor. I remember where to stand. And I've practiced this. And I started feeling much more confident, realizing, oh, you got this. You got this. And I knew what was coming next. And then I got to. Yeah, the part about John. And it was one of my favorite parts. And I thought, I want to really deliver this part well. And it's funny. That's the part that also, in my hotel room, I was getting choked up on, and I would stop, and I could barely get through it. And I thought, this part's actually a little bit funny, and I don't want to cry. And I didn't. But then what blew me away was right at the last line, speaking about John, when I said, five years later, he became my husband, everybody broke out into applause. And that gave me such a boost, such a huge boost. And I thought, yep, just execute the rest. You can do this.

And you Couple of.

A couple of.

Darren, before we go to you, a couple of caveats. I know earlier, Monica mentioned our chapter, and the other chapter, we had two ypu Sydney chapters. Sydney Australis and Sydney Pacific. Your Sydney Pacific. So there are two different chapters. During a joint meeting, also, she mentioned position three. Garyn. Can you elaborate what that means for our listening audience?

So one of my questions was the stage plan. How helpful was that? And if you're listening to this, we kind of lay out each little scene we put in a certain area so that as you go through your presentation, as you internalize it in your rehearsals, you anchor that scene to that different spot. How helpful was that?

Very helpful. That really surprised me. I really remember because I thought initially. Let me see. Okay, this is supposed to help. Let's see. Wow. It really, really helped because I did remember when I finished this line, I moved here, and this is the next part. And my brain very quickly clicked into basically which paragraph I started or which. Yeah, which scene I started. And it was really powerful. There was a particular part of my speech towards the end where one in one position. I delivered something very short for like 30 seconds before I moved. But it was so monumental. And I remembered everything from that part. I didn't need to glance anywhere because of. I really quickly connected my brain very quickly connected which part of my speech with which position was associated. It was so helpful.

Yeah, it seems like such a simple. Okay. But then in the moment, you realize, wow, I'm getting it. And just to clarify, everyone, when we said after the video, she was getting choked up, so there was a video introduction where your children introduced you. Correct. So each of the presenters had a video introduction from friends or family. And so I just wanted to. If people were caught on that, I wanted to clear that up. And I know we have very limited time with you. We thank you for doing this. We know you have to take care of your children and that's an important focus. So thank you so much for trusting us, for going on the journey with us, even if it didn't make sense at parts. And I'm sincerely thrilled that you got the hugs that you got the people coming up to you and talking to you and helping you truly see that you have a story. And we hope you do even more with it on a TEDx stage. Wherever associations gather of parents, there's so many places where that story needs to be told. Most people don't have the confidence to do it, just as you didn't at the beginning. But you truly do have a powerful story. And. Well, do you know if it will be out on YouTube or. It'll be anywhere our listeners can go and check it out.

I do believe that there's a video being produced and edited at the moment. I haven't seen it yet. It hasn't come out yet. So I'm certain that it will be on some sort of platform. However, I'm so sorry, I don't have that information yet. I am eagerly awaiting that as well.

We'll let our listeners know once it's up. Let us know and we'll put it on the next podcast. Mark, take us home.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, I know your time is short. I've got two questions. Monica. One, if you could share with our listeners and viewers a lesson that you learned from this process? And number two, what advice would you give to someone who is wondering, should I or shouldn't I deliver my presentation and tell my story? So it's two questions. Number one, one powerful lesson learned in the process for you.

You really don't know if you can do it until you try and you hear. It's a saying that you hear so frequently. But this was a huge lesson for me in terms of like, of really experiencing that and putting the power of putting yourself out there that you can dream of these opportunities and they won't happen unless you actually action that. And it just really taught me that I need to take that leap of faith. And it's education as well. It's a learning process and that we're always learning. And it was. This was such a massive learning curve for me. And I've really grown from the experience that stepping out of your comfort Zone is such an important thing to do.

And advice to anyone who is saying, I don't think I should tell my story as you felt when you first began the process.

If you feel that way, it probably means you should tell your story and tell it and then reflect and see how incredibly empowering it feels to share when someone is vulnerable. That's how we connect with other humans and that's just the basis of it. So share your vulnerabilities. You just never know. There is always someone who can relate.

Love it. The power of transparency and vulnerability like you lived it. Thanks for the courage. Thanks for trusting us.

You keep guiding me.

Yeah, it was. It's such a privilege to call you friend.

Yeah.

I admire your work.

Likewise.

And we applaud the work you're doing also in Australia and think about might there be opportunities down the road for Monica Calaras to share her story again? Because it truly is inspirational and we thank you for the privilege of being on your team and we look forward to hearing more from you and about you as you do your work with the UNHCR there. UNHCR there in Australia. It's H, not H, I'm being American today, it's H if you're in Australia. Thank you so much, Monica. Darren, you want to close this out?

Yeah.

And if you're listening to this, we wanted to share Monica's story because of the depth of it, because of her not knowing if really would help someone and then seeing, oh my goodness, how powerful it is because there are other people. So if you're listening to this, there are other people who've been through what you've been through, but they haven't had the healing yet. You're sharing your story because you have healed, because you have come out the other side. Don't share it if you're still on the tragedy side, but if you have overcome it, even if you're not perfect yet, even though in our minds Monica is perfect, even though if you're not perfect yet, if you've transformed, if you've come out of it, please listen to us. The world needs to hear your story. Monica, thanks for being here and we hope to share the stage with you again.

Likewise. Thank you so much.

Thanks so much.

Make sure you subscribe to our show.

Remember to subscribe because if you miss a week, you miss a lot.

If you like this episode, please leave us a review. If you want to get more from Mark and Darren, check out Stagetime University where they provide experienced presenters a proven path and world class feedback to become the speaker everyone is talking about. Go to stagetimeuniversity.com join us next week if you're going to take the time to prepare a presentation. Make it unforgettable.