Building My Standup Muscle Once Again By Doing The Thing!

Please give it up for Stacy Lawrence.

Hey, guys.

So I just came back from Italy and I finally figured out how to get my 16 year old to talk to me.

I took her to Italy.

So we love food, so we do these, like, food experiences. So one of the ones we did was a food tour. And the tour guide basically had said, I have really good news for you. We're going to do a really rustic food stop. We're going to have street food and sit on a curb and drink wine out of plastic cups.

Here in San Diego, we call that Pacific Beach.

So then we went to this ravioli making and terrace tiramisu class, and we're like trying to find it. We're going through this plaza looking for it. All these Italian guys are waving at us, saying, bonjour, ciao bella. And then finally this guy, his name is Paolo, he brings us into the restaurant, he sees our tour paper, he sits us down and he gives us glasses of wine. Ten minutes later, we realize this isn't the ravioli making class.

At least the wine wasn't in plastic cups.

So then we went to this pizza making and gelato class. And pizza is actually really fun to make. So you basically are taking like water and flour and salt, and you're mixing it up until it's really consistent. And then you put it in your hands and you're rolling it in until it makes a dough. And the chef comes over to everyone at our table and he's like telling everyone how good their pizza dough looks. And then he comes over to mine and he's like.

Okay.

And then he starts fixing my pizza dough. So by the end of the class, everyone got this certificate of proficiency. I love those kinds of awards.

So he then sent us to this gelato restaurant. He said that it was the best gelato in Florence. And we had just had gelato. So we're all walking like zombies with our stuff. Certificate of proficiencies. And we go to the gelato restaurant and guess who's behind the counter? Paolo.

So then we decided to go to a spa and we got massages. We got to go in the same room, which was really cool. And then I'm getting massaged and she starts touching my butt.

And I liked it.

Apparently I really like my butt being touch. After a few minutes of her massage, she says.

Can I touch you down there? And I said, oh, wow, is that extra?

And then my daughter was like, mom, she didn't say, can I touch you down there. She said, can I touch your hair?

So afterwards I went into A sauna. And I don't know if you ever noticed there's no instructions at a sauna. You sit down and you see this, like, giant red button. Doesn't say not to touch the button. There's no signs, nothing. So, you know, I touch the button. Five minutes later, Paolo shows up with a glass of wine.

So then I wanted to also tell you guys about my shower in my hotel room. Oh, my gosh, it was the coolest shower. It had these, like, shower heads from the ceiling. Have you guys ever seen those? It was so cool. It looked like this, like, luxurious rainforest. Just kind of, like, beaming. I'm imagining the water just, like, all over me from the ceiling. And so I go to use the shower and those freaking buttons. There's so many. I couldn't figure out how to use it. Well, the one on the far left, I know that's scalding.

But the one on the far right was the only one I could use. So it was basically uncurdled over in the corner, like, with this little spigot of water. So instead of luxurious rainforest, I had shitty water hose.

And then Paolo shows up.

He did not touch my butt.

So.

I knew I was going somewhere with that.

So a lot of people. Thank you. My biggest fan.

A lot of people, they get really frustrated when they can't think things out or they don't know how to do something or they're not good at it.

For me, I love to suck.

Whenever I try something new. It's, like, so good to suck.

So many people, they think they have to be good when they do something. Maybe you should just suck. The more you suck, the more you get.

In fact, suck enthusiastically.

Embrace the sub.

I mean, my gosh, this one time I went to play golf and I got a lesson, and I really tried to hit the ball. Well, technically, I guess I could hit it. But in my defense, that squirrel really should have been protecting its nuts.

That pond had way too many ducks in it. What's one less duck?

So the instructor by the end of the class told me that I was so bad that I should just get a bottle of wine. And there was an opening in the beverage part.

And Paola worked there.

The only time I don't like sucking is when I'm doing improv. So I just started doing improv a few months ago, and I'm at level three.

I have my improv friends here, so forgive me for this.

And it's not because I'm good that I'm in level three, you guys. It's because they just pass you when you show up.

But it sucks to suck at improv, because when you're doing improv, you're like, on the stage with someone and they're expecting you to be good because you feed off of each other. And if you shit on stage, they're shitting on stage with you. That's why I'm back to stand up comedy, because if I shit on stage, I'm going to shit on stage by myself.

Thank you guys so much.