Episode 151 - What's Your Attachment Style? Natalie Hopes This Book Will Help You Find Yourself

All right.

So welcome to the first do the Thing book club.

I'm waiting for the. You guys are on mute.

But.

If you guys are on Facebook Live and you're seeing this and you want to join the Zoom, I would love to have one of you put the link. One of the people in the Zoom that knows the link, just put it into the comments. So then if people want to join, they can. This is going to be the first, the only one that will be recorded unless Natalie and the group decides they want them recorded. But I decided to have this first one be recorded because there's going to be a lot that we're going to cover. And I know there were a lot of people that were unable to attend this meeting live, and they really wanted to be a part of the book club, but just couldn't make the first meeting. So, anyway, I'm so excited to have you guys here. So this was basic for those of you that don't know me, because we're. We kept this group intimate. So it's only anyone that's been in a Do the Thing dating dare challenge or someone that was referred in by someone that was doing the challenge. And so we didn't open this up to the public. It's only people that are familiar with this space. But for those of you that don't know me, maybe you were referred by a friend. My name is Stacy, and I host the podcast called you the Thing. And through the podcast, I uncovered a formula. It's called I'm Game. It's actually not released to the public yet, but I'm. I'm. I release it to this group specifically. So we've been incorporating the I'm Game concept into the different challenges that we have through do the Thing. And the first challenge that we've been doing has been the do the Thing dating dare challenge. We've done it twice, and we have a podcast challenge starting. Do the Thing. Start a podcast challenge. And so in the. In the group, Natalie Hager had actually put a post in midway through, I think, or maybe after the book came out and had mentioned wanting to start a book club. And super exciting, because the book that we recommended called Attached was a dare that we had. I think it was one of the first dares to take the quiz Attached, figure out your attachment styles. I recommended the book, and Natalie immediately is like, come on, guys, let's do the thing. Let's do a book club. So I said, yeah, that sounds great. And so here we are. I recorded an episode with Kate Middleton. I published it last week and it was all about attachment styles and it was to get you guys to gear up to, to this book club. And it basically talked about how to decide your attachment style, how to help yourself move into a secure attachment if you're not a secure attachment, how to identify in a partner or a dating partner what their attachment style is. And it was really good. And then the other thing that I really loved about it was it also talked about the good parts of the attachment style. And so that was really, really helpful as well. So here we are, we're in the book club. I'm here and Dr. Nancy's here for the first, for the first round. And Dr. Nancy, now that you've done your amazing job of putting in the Zoom, I see it there. For anyone that wants to join us, feel free to go into the comments and, and go right into the zoom link and you can join us there. But do you mind introducing for those of you that, for those of them that haven't met you yet, to go ahead and share who you are and why you're excited about being here today?

Yeah, no, I'm really, really excited. I'm a retired psychologist. I practice psychology for, I want to say, maybe like 12 years. And I move now into holistic life coaching, integrating body, mind, spiritual. And I, I have a doctorate in, in clinical psychology and a lot of experience in integrative techniques, modalities of energy psychology and so on. I have a lot of experience too in spirituality and tapping into, you know, everything that is out there and helping people align to that energy as well. Because I believe that the universe is ready to give you everything that you want and all you have to do is just align to that. I work with a lot of entrepreneurs and some of the things that I do when I work with entrepreneurs is I help them align to the flow of life. So when they are saying thinking and acting is all in alignment with what their purpose is and as well, I, I also work with people in terms of emotional intelligence. It's kind of hard to be an entrepreneur and have success in entrepreneurship and also manage relationships. And so sometimes, you know, balancing act is a little difficult. So yeah, I am excited to be here. This is, I believe that when you know yourself, you actually can open up the world to yourself into the opportunities. The more you know yourself, the better it is for you and the, the people you interact with. And one of the books that I recommend the most to people is the book Attachment. So I'm so glad that we are going to be going through this one. Yeah.

And Dr. Nancy is the one that I will call with my frantic asap. Can we talk, please? So feel free to check her website out after if you feel like you need any deeper work because she's been the person that's really, really helped me. And then as I mentioned, you guys had Kate Middleton also, who is the somatic therapist, authentic relating facilitator, and she is also someone that I've relied on. And it's amazing to find people and resources that you can rely on to help you kind of get to your best self. And I've been Dr. Nancy and I've been working together for the last few years and it's been immensely part of my transformation with becoming where I want to be. And then Natalie. Hey, Natalie.

Hi, guys.

And Natalie came. So Natalie from the very first challenge has been just this bright light of sunshine from the doing the challenge on the road. They went to her and sue went to Napa and they did the do the thing dating dinner challenge on the road. So just showed the creativity and so many fun things. And then I think you guys have also seen her through this challenge and how supportive and encouraging she's been. And I'd love you to share a little bit about you and why you decided to do this.

Oh my goodness, you guys, thank you so much for entertaining the idea of this book club. So Natalie found herself single after this, what I thought was a perfect 14 year marriage. And within that singleness, I decided that my little town was way too small for myself, my ex husband and his new girlfriend. So I decided to pick up my entire life and move to Scottsdale, Arizona back in June. So during that time I was doing the thing with the dating dare challenge and I was stepping out of my box. And then when Ms. Stacy decided to do a second one, I found myself in a little relationship, my first relationship since the divorce. And then I found myself out of that relationship. And when I started reading the book Attached, I noticed that, oh my goodness, was I an anxious attachment style. And so I've been reading all the things and I've been listening to all the podcasts. So if you have not had a chance to listen to Stacy's latest with Kate, it is amazing. And I have also realized that, wow, my anxious attachment comes all the way from when I was a little girl and through every marriage. I have been married twice. So not like 25 different marriages, but two marriages. And then also how it is showing and has showed up through friendships and my work relationships. So I am so Excited to learn more of who I am because I totally lost myself through this divorce. So I'm excited to do this with you guys.

Yeah. And I love this so much because this is Natalie's first time doing this, doing a book club, and she's going to be doing this with you guys starting. We're going to start. It's going to be on Sundays, and I think it's amazing that you'll all get this opportunity to do it together. And the. The way that we're going to set it up is going to be to use. I'm game. And for those of you that aren't familiar, I'm seeing everyone in the zoom is already been in the group, so you guys probably know. But I'll just repeat it for anyone that has been referred and maybe they're watching it on recording. But it's going to be what we're going to have to work through together and we'll see if we have time during this call is we want to identify the why. Why do you want to do this book club? Why are you here? Because do you know how many book clubs I've signed up for that I haven't done? There's been a few. Right. And so. And I don't know if you've been in that situation or if it's a book club or if it's something that you think that you want to do. And then all of a sudden, you know, two weeks in, you're like, oh, it's Sunday. I don't want to do it. You need to know why you want to do it now while you're excited about it. So then you'll show up. And so that leads us into mindset. And I have a lot of mindset stuff that I really want to work with you guys on. And that's why Dr. Nancy's here, because there's going to be a huge opportunity to go into story when. When you guys are reading this book and to go through the oh, I wish I would have done that differently, or oh, why did I do that? Or this is what I did wrong. And we need to set up a framework so when that story comes up that you guys have a language to move through this, this book club as you're reading it. Because this is a really. This book is life. It's life changing. Honestly. I mean, I think it's. The only reason my boyfriend and I are still together is from reading this book because he's the one that recommended it to me. I think we were six months in and he's like, I think that we might need to read this book together because he didn't understand my anxious attachment kept pulling up and he didn't understand what was going on. And we read it together and even now we can talk in the same language. You know, I'm like, okay, my anxious is activated. Can we talk through it? And we have that language. And so what a beautiful thing to bring into a relationship. To have to have this kind of language and to be able to do it together. Where you guys, for you guys to be able to go through that. And so, so yeah, so mindset and then G is goals. So the goals is going to be we're going to do this once a week and then Natalie is going to set up certain goals for you to post in the group about different times. And that also is going to lead into accountability with each other and making sure you're reading the chapter a certain amount of time frame within a week and then from there posting in the group. So that way you'll do it. That's the purpose of all of that. Do you have to do any of it? No, but if it's important to you and you want to do it, then do it. So it's that type of thing. And then the M is my people and that's what this group is surrounding yourself with. My people. My people is different than like minded people. I know I say this a lot, but this was a huge epiphany I had even after I made the formula. Originally I was thinking the M was going to be like minded people, but like minded people are just positive, encouraging people. They might not be doing the same thing as you. My people is people doing the same thing as you that want the same thing, that have the same goals. So if you're running a marathon and you just have positive, supportive friends that aren't runners, that's hard. You kind of need to be with people that are also runners to encourage you to run. And that's what this group is. And then the educate. That's why Dr. Nancy's here. That's why I did the episode with Kate. That's what the book is about. And then what's nice is once you guys know this book, it is so much freaking fun to tell other people about it. When you hear I'm just getting chills thinking about how good I feel when someone's struggling with something and I'm able to refer them to this book or even anything with Dr. Nancy or with Kate or whatever it is, it's just. It feels so good to know that just one little shift in language can really help a lot. So I'm so glad you guys are here. Dr. Nancy, I thought we could start with you talking about. One of my favorite things you say you've said it before and probably with us personally too, is that relationships are a mirror. Can you talk a little bit about that and how it's a healing time for you?

Yeah. So there is, there is something that I want to say before I address the. The mirror piece. I believe that it's really, really important to feel heard and seen. When we're not feeling heard and seen, then we tend to project or we tend to take over or we tend to act out. And unfortunately, as children, many of us have not been heard or seen. I'm the seventh of nine children. Can you imagine how much time I had available to be heard and seen? And so in order for me to be. To work on being heard and seen, I needed to hear and see myself, value myself, put myself in a place where I could be seen. Now, when anyone experiences sadness, trauma, anger, whatever emotion that is really intense, it's really important that we allow ourselves to feel that emotion. And I'm not saying that if you're angry that I'm going to have you break a windshield or anything like that. That's not what I'm talking about. It's in a healthy way that is conducive to being, to. To express what you are experiencing and seeing yourself. Yeah. Cindy says being invisible, it's a huge hurt and insult for sure. So when I'm able to express my emotions, to have a good cry or to just scream in the car like, ah. Or just, you know, play baseball, punch a ball, whatever it is, somewhere that, where I can channel this emotion, then I can look at myself in relationship to another person. And this is the part that where the mirror comes, a person comes in and that person irritates you or annoys you or makes you feel a certain way. Right.

So you can very easily, because we all do it, say, no, you're not going to talk to me or I'm not going to talk to that person ever again. I'm going to disconnect whatever your attachment style is. You behave in that way. And there are two things that we're missing when we behave in an attachment style that is not secure. One is we're not seeing what we're feeling, and two, we're not seeing what that person is trying to show us. So the piece of the mirror Is that person is behaving in a certain way and is triggering us. If I told you a curse word right now in Spanish or in Venezuelan, because, you know, Venezuelan is a little different. If you're not Venezuelan, you probably would not be affected by it at all. You probably, like, what does that mean? I don't even know. And I'm, like, offending you, like, so badly with my Venezuelan word. But it's. It doesn't resonate because you have not attributed a meaning and experience and emotion to those words. But I have.

So the same. When someone comes into your field or in your relationship and is attacking you or is belittling you or is making you feel a certain way that is not necessarily loving and happy, what you need to see is, why am I being triggered by that? Because those are words, just a regular words. But I am attributing a meaning to that. I'm attributing an emotion to that. And so that person, what is doing is saying, hey, you have some blind spots over here. And it's showing the blind spots that we need to work on. So, for example, if someone is ignoring me.

And keeps ignoring me, and I'm like, excuse me, this really upsets me. You're not listening to me. What is the mirror that person is showing me? That person is showing me that I am hurt when I am being ignored.

And that I need to look at why I feel that pain. That pain is not coming from nowhere.

That can't. That's coming from an experience that is still hurting me. And so the person becomes a messenger. Like, hey, here's your message. You still have some issues to work on with being invisible and, you know, not being heard and whatever. Here's your message. Now what do we do? We beat up the messenger. You know, that's what we do. Get out of my life, you know, whatever, instead of really seeing what the message the person is bringing to us now. It's hard. I have to say. It's really hard. It's really hard not to get triggered. It's really hard to be like, oh, so I'm gonna ignore an abuser. I'm gonna ignore an alcoholic. I'm gonna ignore all of that. That's not what I'm saying. We're not ignoring that. And that's why I gave the caveat in the beginning. You don't ignore your emotions. You honor them first. When you honor your emotions first, then you can see the lesson behind that person. So let's say an alcoholic that is abusive or whatever. What is that mirror. Well, in what ways am I a pushover? In what ways do I allow a person to treat me that way? In what ways am I codependent? Or in what ways do I. In what ways do I not listen to other people?

I was just having a conversation with my daughter and exactly. Observe the emotion with no judgment. That's beautiful, Mike. So I was just having a conversation with my daughter, and my daughter was like, mom, do you think I'm a. What's the word she used? You know, when you. When you belittle people, but not on purpose when you're patronizing. Do I patronize? You know, and I'm like, well, define patronization or patronizing or whatever. And so she looked at the entire description of that, because her complaint was that her friend was patronizing her. But when she read the description, she was like, holy cow. I'm the one who's doing that. I'm the one who's patronizing. So her friend became her mirror. Her friend showed her in the ways that she was behaving, and she's able to see it and say, wow, I behave that way.

So I don't want you to skip what Mike was saying, Honoring and seeing your emotions. I don't want you to skip that and go right into the lesson, because that is spiritual bypassing. Bypassing the truth of your emotions and going right into spirituality. Like, oh, I gotta see the better, the bigger picture. That's denying what your pain is saying. That's denying how you're feeling. Yeah, exactly what Cindy's saying. Awareness and observation and experiencing the emotion is so important because emotions are giving you information.

If I tell you the words in Spanish and that doesn't affect you, it's not a problem. But if they're affecting you, then why is that emotion there? And so observing that emotion is telling you, hey, there's some information here that you need to see. And that's what people bring for us. They bring this information. The information is, I don't feel right. This is not in alignment with me. This is not resonating. What is going on? Did I eat? Did I sleep? That I exercise? You know, that I take care of myself? Did I take care of my body? And then if all of that is yes, okay, what am I thinking? How am I feeling? Do I have any baggage that I need to clean up? So people that come into your life, they're always there to give you information, and it's up to you to take it or not. You can blame them or you can learn. So it's up to you how you want to live. I know for me, particularly, blaming doesn't feel good. Holding anger doesn't feel good. Holding myself as a victim doesn't feel good. That's not how I want to show up into this world. I don't want to be the kind of person that plays the victim. That's not the kind of person I want to be. But I do want to be the kind of person that looks at herself and acknowledges and respects her own emotions and therefore respect other people. Did I cover that thoroughly?

Oh, my God. The reason I love this, you guys, is it normalizes what happens during dating because something comes up. This happens to me all the time. I have done so much work, so much work from books, podcast, therapists, coach, whatever, friends, the whole thing. And I can still get activated so easily. And I'm like, who are you? Where have you already put you to bed? Why are you still here?

You know?

And it's like that girl just keeps coming out. And I'm like, I thought we already dealt with this thing. No, we didn't deal with this yet. You still got to deal with it. And it's from a relationship that it happens, you know? And I think it. I think that's what I love about when you say that and why I really wanted to share that because while we're reading this book, while you guys are going through this really deep study of it, there's so many things that come up. And dating is such a beautiful way to be able to practice these skills because you're. There's no risk. You don't know if this person isn't going to be your person, then they're, It's. They're not. You know what I mean? Like, they will go, they will naturally self select or you will self select them. So there's not a risk to it. And so that's where. That's why I think having this, having this book being read during the dating process is so great, because it's such a beautiful way to practice. And then, Nancy, one more. Dr. Nancy, one more thing on this, and then we'll go into the whys of why people are here. But that whole attachment to an outcome, I think that's something else I wanted to talk about too, in terms of dating, because I think that's important. As you guys are reading this book and you're going through the self study, I want you to be able to then use dating as your playground and to have fun with it. And I feel like there was One more thing I wanted to say before we move on to that. Oh, yes. Some people will say to what I just said, and they'll say, oh, you shouldn't date yet. You still have more work you need to do. Here's what I say to that.

If you're happy being by yourself and you don't need a partner, you're ready to date. If you think that partner is going to fill you up and be the person that's going to give you the love, then you're not ready to date. You or you can date, but don't date. Seriously. Just have a freaking good time. You know, don't plan on having a relationship yet. That's my theory. Because you're always going to need to do work. There's not always. I don't want to say always for me, in my experience, I have always needed to do work. And so that's where the dating, that's where the mirror comes up because you're going to be healed through it. And there's some people, when I say that, they're like, well, you shouldn't be going for a relationship then. No, that is not true. Because you're always going to be doing that work. Something's always going to come up and you'll have to like, re. You know, put that girl or that boy to bed and be like, hey, I love you. I see you. You're safe, we're good. And the more you read this book, the more you guys talk to each other, the less isolating it feels. You're going to know. You're going to know how it each relates. So anyway, I'd love you to respond to that, Dr. Nancy, and then also talk a little bit about that attachment to the outcome so they can just have a good time while they're out there.

Totally. I just wanted to. To read what Chrissy said. I recently got anxious, activated. And then I read a meditation that said, think of the person who hurt you and list all of the reasons you love them and then all the reasons they love you. I found this helpful with hard emotions like hurt feelings. Yeah, that's really, really good. Yes. And Mike said, continuous improvement. Absolutely. So I want you to imagine. I wish I had two cups. I want you to imagine two cups of water and they're full. When you go in, you come into a relationship, each one of you is a cup full of water. And you're not there to fill each other's cup because each of you is already full. You're there to share. To share the Experience to be along with each other. Now with when one of you is empty, then the other one becomes responsible for filling this up. And what happens when this other person is filling up? Starts emptying because why is this person coming empty? Because they haven't replenished in other ways. Maybe they're not going out and hanging out with people they love. Maybe they're not doing things that nourish them. Maybe they're not taking care of themselves. Do the things that fill your cup and don't expect another person to come and fill you up. That's what Stacy was saying. When. What I've seen very often is people come empty and they expect the person to fill them up. And when this person is empty, then they leave or they get kicked out. Like, ah, you got nothing to give me anymore. And they look for another person. And instead of filling themselves up, they just come needy. They become very, very needy. That's not a good look, for sure. So the most attractive attribute for any person, men, woman, you know, you name it, is that feeling that your cup is full and you're here to share your abundance. Your abundance of confidence, your abundance of love, your ability, your abundance of things to talk about. The abundance of who you are. That is the most attractive attribute anyone can bring. Yeah. So thank you for that. What a great analogy. Really makes sense. So when. When you are playing around something that you. Playing around meaning dating, trying things, calling people, is very, very intimidating because you will get rejected for sure. And so if your cup is empty and you're looking for someone to fill it up, the first rejection is going to knock you down to the floor. But if you are coming full and you're nourishing yourself in other ways and you have a group like this, like Cindy says Sharon, awareness is on. How you impact others is important. Exactly. So when you are coming full and that person rejects you, it's okay because you're feeling confident about you, you know, what you can give to the world.

When. When you're looking for the perfect person for your life.

What I like to say to people is.

Set it up. If you want to write it down. I want this person to have this kind of hair and this eyes and this lips and this whatever, like everything. You can write it out if you want, but then you let go and you let the universe work on your favor. The universe, God, life, whatever you believe in, you set it out to the side and then you live life and you let life guide you to the next step. Sort of like the formula you follow the Breadcrumbs. You already set the intention. This is what I want. So let the universe work for you. You go to the to. To cross the street and you press the button for the light to turn green. How many times do you press that button? Honestly?

Well, me, I press it like twice probably. But ideally you press it once, right? You press one. Why? Because you know the signal is going to run and eventually you're going to get what you need. You're, you know, the light. But what do we do when we are wanting to manifest anything? We keep pressing and pressing and pressing. Why is it not coming? Why is it not coming? Why is it not coming? Why is it not coming? Let go. Let go and let God. You know, that's how they say it in many rooms. But when. When you are so attached that it has to be this way, only what you're doing is missing opportunities. So let's say that you're like, okay, well, I want someone who has green hair and purple eyes and, you know, a yellow skin and whatever. You know, that's what your divine person looks like.

And you go out and you're feeling drawn to talk to someone. If you are too attached to your outcome, you look at this person and you say, oh, wow, this person has brown eyes. Never mind, that's not my person. And you close your doors completely. Why? Because your attachment to your outcome is so strong that you're not even looking at other opportunities. You don't know if that person actually has green hair and dyes it brown or that person knows someone with the green hair or whatever, you really don't know. And so when, when you set your goal, set your goal, but allow the serendipitous, the coincidences to happen, the divine orchestration to happen for you versus you controlling everything.

Let that happen. So if you feel inspired, like, you know what? I'm going to play golf, but there's no girls there. It's only guys. I just feel inspired to go play golf. I don't know why you follow that inspiration. You don't control that. You follow that inspiration. And guess what? Maybe you meet this guy who has a sister that is perfectly, that matches perfectly with the person that you want. Or maybe there's someone at the store that you meet and is perfect. Let. Let it all play out versus controlling how it should be. Let the outcome, let go of the outcome. You already told the universe, this is what I want and that's it. Now another piece that I want to bring here is the emotional piece. How do you want to Feel. Once you find this person with the green hair and the purple eyes and the yellow skin or whatever, how do you imagine that you're feeling? And so focus on the feeling more than the characteristics.

I want to feel loved and cared, and I want to feel belonging and fun and excitement. That's what I want. That resonance, the feeling of that is going to create a ripple effect that is going to. Oh, call your partner in. You know, it's going to really resonate all around to call your partner in. And is that vibration that calls it in. You will feel that way. And it won't look. It won't. It might not look the way that you envision it. That's when you let go. But the feeling is going to be there.

I love this, Nancy, because we didn't even talk about this ahead of time because we do. The thing. Stuff is always just kind of doing the thing. And that idea of you pulling in where you're at in your vibration. I think this, the reason why I was so excited to be speaking to this is because that's what this book is. It gets you to understand yourself on such a much deeper level. So then you're going to be vibrating at a whole nother level than you were before reading this book because you're going to understand why you're acting a certain way or why you're feeling a certain way. And I just think that's perfectly timed with what we're. What we're doing, because it's exactly. It's exactly where we want to. Where we want to go.

Yeah, and stop me, Stacy, because I can talk forever. So please.

Yeah, no, that was the per. No, literally, that was the perfect segue into where we're going next. So it's so good. All right, Natalie, you are up. So our leader is here. And we are going to do the first official book club. This is the kind of intro to it. So the first one's going to be on. They're going to be on Sundays at 5pm Pacific Standard Time. And we're going to have a structure. So Natalie is going to go through what that structure looks like.

Yes, you guys. So we. We kind of put some things together on how we want each week to go so that it's just best for all of us and so the ideas can be shared and we can just get to know each other and learn the book. So this is. This is what we're asking for. We're asking for to read one chapter per week.

So.

So coming into this week, we should have Read the forward and the introduction. And then we want to commit this to ourselves and to the momentum of the group. So if we fall behind, let's try to catch up on the current chapter that we, that we're in for that week. But if you get ahead for those readers that love to read and can't put a book down. So let's try to do, because I'm one of those readers, I'll be honest, do our best to stay within that week's chapter when we're sharing. So if we're on chapter two, let's try not to share what's happening in chapter five, if we've read that far. So each week as you're reading, take notes and let's pick something that really resonates with you. And that's what we'll share within the group. But let's keep it relevant to that particular chapter, like I had mentioned before. And what we'll do is when it's time for like next Sunday, each one of us will have three to four minutes so that we each get the best, so that everybody's attention span, we get each other's best attention when we're talking about what we're sharing. So for example, this is just an example that we wanted to put out there. This concept of X, Y and Z really lands for me because I can see how neither my partner or I did that in our last relationship. And it created distance, tension or something that it really did well in that last relationship or the current relationship that you're in or something to this nature. This quote that I stumbled across reminds me of how I want to show up in a relationship because of X, Y and Z. So that could kind of be within your three minutes of when we're sharing. Then we want to make time for questions. If time allows, we'll offer some questions and inquiry for you to discuss with the group based on the week's chapter and what we've shared so far. And then this is going to be the most important part. And I'm super excited about that. We're going to have an action step for each week. And what that means is we're going to, with that, that chapter, put something into action. So what we'll do is we'll do like a weekly prompt and an action step could be like one of our little mini tears. Could be, you know, that action step to help us integrate and actualize and visualize the learning. And this, you guys, is probably going to be the most important step for me because I am I am so excited to be able to put this into practice because my ultimate goal is definitely to become a secure attachment style. So that's how we're kind of wanting the group to run each week.

That's what this book is, right? It's a chance to begin again. So I love that. And you guys, when. When Natalie mentions it too, and make sure, because I know there's always people when I'm saying something or I'm saying, oh, we should do this, we should do that. People are always like, well, do I have to? And I said it earlier, but I want to say it again. You don't have to do anything, you know, but if you really want to get the most out of something, what you put into it is what you get out of it. And. And there is really a secret to this. I'm game. And the accountability and the my people part are really strong in there. So it is really good to get into a goal for yourself. And you'll notice if you need to add extra accountability. I noticed something. I was at the gym, My daughter and I were working out together right now with the trainer. And he. I'm just giving you a random example to show sometimes you need a higher level of accountability. The trainer was throwing this medicine ball to each of us, and I, normally a haphazard gym person, I'm just happy to be there. I don't need to lust my ass. And he just was throwing it to each of us, and I'm halfway catching it or whatever, and then he's like, okay, whoever misses one in the next five throws, you guys are gonna have to do suicides regardless of who misses it. And I caught it every time, obviously, right? I'm not gonna. My daughter do suicides where you run up and down. And I didn't realize how much I'm motivated by someone else's consequence. So there's something about that that I'm exploring the idea of. And I mentioned this when I was doing 75 hard that challenge. I announced. I told my daughter I was doing it. I announced it on the podcast. That's the only reason why I did that challenge. So just notice if you need more accountability than what the group is giving you, feel free to ex look at yourself like a science experiment, because you're taking time out each week by doing this book club. But the benefits are going to be so much greater for you than the hour a week. Maybe it'll be two hours a week, probably an hour for reading and then an hour for the meeting. So the Benefits are going to outweigh that. But in the moment, you might not feel it because you're in the middle of doing it. So I just thought I would. I would comment that as well.

I was going to say about accountability, sometimes people think that accountability is someone saying, hey, you didn't do it. Why didn't you do it? And that's not what accountability is. Accountability is having witnesses. If someone tells me, nancy, how come you didn't do whatever you said you were going to do? I'm like, no, don't talk to me like that. No, don't tell me what to do. I reject it immediately. Right. But accountability to me and to many people is, hey, guys, this is what I did and this is what I didn't do. But this is my commitment to myself and to you. And if you like it or don't like it, should not be a problem. It's more like you guys are witnessing my progress. And so I love this group because this is what is bringing, you know, a support group for you guys. So very nice.

And I don't know, I wanted to talk about just the language. So language is going to be really, really important throughout this because it's going to be so easy, like I mentioned in the beginning, to go through the what you did wrong or what the other person did wrong and the blame and the shame and the whatever that game is. So I really wanted to just kind of talk about that. So maybe. Dr. Nancy, do you mind kind of going through. I have a couple notes here of knowing what I know now. This is what I would do, or this made me feel this way. When they said this, I felt this way. You know, if there's some kind of language that you can have when they're getting into that disempowering language to get it into empowering language, I would love to talk about that for a few minutes.

Yeah, yeah.

What. What the brain tends to do, the brain tries to protect you. And the brain is saying, this situation feels unsafe. So let me record it and make sure that whenever this situation presents itself, I am going to protect myself in certain way. And unfortunately, when we're feeling intimidated, when we're feeling rejected alone, et cetera, we tend to engage into cognitive distortions or negative thinking that.

Push us away from the goal of ease that we want to find in. In this process. So whenever those thoughts come in.

One of my clients calls it Helga, you know, and I'm sorry for those people that are named Helga, but, you know, she equates it to this, you know, very strict military person that is just telling her what to do all the time. And so she. Whenever she has those thoughts, like, oh, my gosh, you made a fool of yourself. You're not going to go there, are you? You're going to dress like that. She would say, helga, I got this. Please stop. Stop doing that. So a couple of things that you can do is challenge the thought. You can separate them from you. As in, I know that's my ego. I know that's Helga. My. You can separate all of that and know the truth of who you are, which is a loving light. That's who you are. And so when you remember that, then your fears go away, and you know that you're not going to be able to get hurt. You can do contrary action. Contrary action is like, I am afraid of that. I'm going to go pursue it. I not going to talk to those people. I'm freaking out. Are you kidding me? Stacy told me to go take a picture of them. Okay, I'm going to do it because I'm going to do contrary action. And you push yourself beyond that comfort zone to expand. So there's many ways that you can sort of fight the thoughts that go in your mind. What I want you to know is that the way that you're feeling is the most important thing. And if the thoughts in your mind are making you feel awful, then stop it. Of course. It's like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna stop it so quickly. Right? But. But what I'm saying is challenge them. Don't let yourself get pulled into that rabbit hole and immediately shift. There is a lot of studies being done where they say that the moment that we tap into something that is painful, if we continue engaging, what we're doing is repeating the pain over and over and over and over. But the moment that we can distract ourselves, then the circuit that runs through our body that indicates this is painful, it actually goes away. I don't know if it's happened to you that you're experiencing something so sad, and then you see something funny, and all of a sudden you're like, wait, I was. I was sad just a minute ago. What happened? So we are able to shift that very quickly. We just don't know that we can. When we're pulled into the rabbit hole, sometimes we pull ourselves so deep that at that moment, what you need to do is just let her run and then come out on the other side. But if you can catch it early, catch your thoughts. Yeah. Did that answer Your question, Stacy?

Yeah, I think the biggest thing is once you're stuck in story, because as the book comes up, you know, as they get go through the book, I'm just remembering how many things came up for me and I was like, oh, my God, I wish I didn't do that, or, oh my God, this is what's happening. And so when that happens, and I think you talked about it with the rabbit hole, you get in that loop right in your head and how to kind of move away from that language to move into more empowering language. So if there's anything else you want to add to that, I would. I would love it.

And so how would you talk to your best friend or to your child? Would you talk to them the same way that you talk to yourself? So if your child or your best friend made a mistake or is afraid, would you be like, oh, my God, you're so stupid, Stupid. How could you do that? You wouldn't do that, right? And so changing the language is being kinder with yourself as if. As if you were talking to someone you love, being more compassionate towards yourself and, and changing the narrative. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and everything is aligned and divinely orchestrated. And we don't like it. We want to control. We want things to happen our way. But when. When we really let go and let go of the outcome, when we surrender, really, then we see, wow, actually that was for my highest interest, for my highest good. Wow. You might not see it right away, but later on you'll figure out and you'll be like, yep, that's what happened. So change the. The. The thoughts. The. Not the thoughts, the language that you talk and to yourself and give yourself some grace and some compassion.

And so this is important, you guys. And why I wanted to bring it up is because as the book club's coming, if you hear each other doing that, I want you to be able to catch it. And so. And Natalie, you get to really help with this because moderating it, I think will be really good for. For you and for everyone to be able to do and so catch each other. I have a friend of mine that if I've ever. If I ever use that language, she tells me she's going to charge me a venmo. Fine. And I'm not saying you guys have to do that, but just be real with each other because that's how you're going to be able to help each other grow. So I wanted to just take this opportunity and I wanted to thank you, Natalie, for doing this. I am just so excited to see what comes from this book club, and I appreciate all of you and your participation today and how real you've been, and I'm just really excited to see the growth that you're going to have from this book and the healing also that is going to come from it. It really means a lot to me that you're all here and a part of this, and I'm just excited. Yeah. Just to kind of be a part of it. And, Natalie, would you like to close us out?

Yes. I just want to tell you guys, thank you for just entertaining the idea of a book club. I've never done a book club, so I'm branching out, and I just. I just am so excited to know you guys and to be having done the do the dare or do the dating dare challenge together. And I just. I just cannot wait to see where we are in a month's time and five weeks time and just be able to do this together as a team and just cheer each other on. I'm. I'm so excited. So thank you for entertaining the book club idea and let's. Let's go do the thing.

Awesome. Thanks again, Natalie. I appreciate you for doing this, and thank you, everyone. It's so great to see you. I've missed having the group, so this is fun getting a chance to. To be here with you guys, and I look forward to hearing all about it as it progresses. So have a good night.

Have a good night.