Episode 167 - Niki Cush On Detaching from Outcomes and Allowing Others To Be Who They Are

Hey, everyone. Welcome to the do the Thing podcast. This is your host, Stacy Lauren. All right, guys. Well, I am excited because I met my next guest through the do the Thing community, and it is amazing getting to meet people through the community because they are awesome. It's like we have an amazing community of people that are just doing the thing, and it's just such an amazing way to meet new people is to be in this community and to be a part of it. And I'm just so grateful to have this opportunity to introduce her to you guys. She's actually a principal at a high school, and she has so many things that she's working on and doing that I'm just so excited to be able to dive in to all of that, from going back to school to doing speaking and the leadership that she's doing. So anyway, I'm just really excited to dive more into her story and have you guys meet her as well. So I am welcoming Nikki Kush to the show. Hey, Nikki.

Hey. How are you?

I am great. I'm so happy you're here.

I'm so happy to be here. And again, I just have to express or again. But always express such sincere gratitude to you and for listening to me and allowing me the space to just share and hopefully we can get some more minds clicking because that's what this whole thing is all about. And you are an angel for making this community happen. So thank you.

Thank you. And I love that. Getting minds clicking and I like the click at the same time, I feel like it's a. It awakens you when you hear it.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think it's funny. I was just. I'm a teacher at heart. I taught for 17 years and I was talking to another teacher, which is always so cool at this stage, being older, talking to an older member veteran who's not working with you, but talking about just how watching the light bulbs go off. That's the reason why I think that's what hooks us when we start teaching. When you watch people learning and then when they start connecting in that learning and collaborating and creating something special is magical, at least for me.

Yeah, I love that you said that. Because with you, the thing I'm still figuring out who's the person that I'm serving.

Right.

Because I have this community that we built that is pretty much a mirror of me of just being in that same situation and then. But now I'm doing the new community with the Start, a podcast challenge, and I'm starting to realize and I use the Word shift. When I see them make the shift from thinking they can't do something to thinking they can. That's what my body.

Knowing. Knowing.

Yes. And that's when my body just so excited. Yeah.

Well, you're a servant leader. And when you're a servant leader, you can't think about who you're serving. You just serve and do and either though. And that's the thing about teaching those of us who have been doing it for a long time. We learn to stay. You can't be attached to the outcome. Not everybody is going to have that click. Not everybody's going to get that light. Some people are going to completely deflect it. They'll take your energy and just give it back to you. And that's okay. And you have to be okay with that.

I love that you said that. Because I use the word not attached to an outcome a lot with dreaming big. Right. If I have big dreams and I want to go for something, I don't have an attachment to an outcome. If it doesn't happen, it's fine. But I haven't thought about that in terms of a person. So when I'm giving everything and I want them to be and I see that they want it so bad and then I just want to.

Sometimes you want more than them.

Yeah.

That's where in teaching you have to detach from the outcome to be successful, I think. Or else, because here's so much and there's so many people that come through your path, you will never be able to care for yourself, which many teachers fall into this track of being so attached to the outcome and so passionate about someone's promise, their possibility, their potential. And I talk to my new teachers and I'm like, just like in a relationship, you can't fall in love with the potential because the reality is they will disappoint you. Your biggest, laziest disappointment in class may surpass your wildest expectations. And what they do in life once they cross that stage and the kid that you are so passionate about and you know that they have all this potential, may be your greatest disappointment if you pour too much into it and then you worry about the outcome. Because kids are people, they become grownups and they make voices. So that's for me, how I'm able to sleep at night. Those who can't and do many, many educators die of heart attacks.

Wow.

But yeah, many, many do. And I think that's because they don't do that. They stay attached to the outcome and they're. They're stressing about their kids or their own personal life or. I've learned it's done remarkable things for me and my daughter's relationship when I detach myself from the outcome. Because you have to learn to let go and you got to cut that cord. Yeah.

I'm resonating with that so much right now.

Well.

Cause I'm kind of going through it with the singles community and then I'm really wanting people to join the Start a Podcast challenge for no other reason than I know them and I know how much they're going to get out of it.

And so keep throwing it and it's going to stick with somebody.

Yeah.

And just be excited when you hear the amazing stories and connections and projects that come out of them. It's a very cool community. It's a brilliant idea. I mean, it definitely caught my attention with the way that you. Because I think I was just scrolling one day and that's how I found you. Maybe on Facebook or something. But it's. It's done so much. I've made so many great decisions by going through my dares and doing my dares and just being a little bit more fearless and learning to just do what I got to do.

I'd love to just stay here for a minute. What do you think about the dares helped you do that? Where you're able to be more fearless because you're already. I feel like you're already fearless in so many ways. So I'm just curious what's helped amplify it more.

Well, I hate to say this because I always yell at my daughter when she says it. I'm not really shy, but in my personal life, I'm an ambivert. In my public life, I'm very open and out there and. And my. My life is so intertwined with my professional life that it's just like when I come home, I like it quiet. But also when I was going through a rough time last year and just really going into a doctoral program will have you constantly questioning your life choices. Right. But after going through that rough time and just kind of withdrawing and doing some shadow work and thinking about this whole dating thing and a relationship and I think just getting a little bit more mature as I did that self work and being more honest about what I wanted, I just think that it was easy to. By the time you're well. Because I remember I saw it the first time and I just renewed my membership for Match and I was like, no, I'm not ready to get out. I'll just stick around. And during that time when I was doing that dart work, I found myself wasting time doing the swiping. So then when the membership was coming up, I said, okay, now she's got another one coming up. And so it was just, the timing just was perfect for me to come out of that shadowy space and then just to really push myself. I mean, to make myself get up off the sofa and go do something that I want to do or just go eat dinner by myself or think, you know what, instead of saying, oh, it would be nice to be doing this with someone, well, then just go do that by myself. Yeah. And because normally being by myself just meant just being a recluse at home. But when you are in school and you allow that kind of behavior and then the other stuff to seep in, having that gentle push and then a safe community and a fun community to share with and inspire you. And you get inspired by their stories and you're like, well, that's, that's so cool. And then some of us are like minded in the things that we're interested in and some of us come from just. It's a vast array of people. And that's what I also like about it. It's a very diverse crowd. And so I've witnessed some people really share some really heartfelt stuff and watch other people pour into them. And that for me just made the community okay. I'm doing this and doing the dares and posting. And I think one young lady from Jersey kind of inspired me to just. She posted her video and I was like, you know, I'm just gonna do video. I'll try a couple of those. And so just one little thing that somebody does, it's that ripple effect. You never know the power of your ripple. But it's just been such a beautiful journey for me because then I had the dental issue and then I had this whole, do I stay here and suffer for X number of years with this issue or do I just take this leap? Things just started opening up. One of my parents was the one who told me about one of my parents of my students. Yeah, I was late for a meeting and we were having a. Not a really good meeting either. And she wasn't super happy with me, but I was so sick and I felt so bad for being late because there's all kinds of things about when you're a black female leader and being late. And I'm typically not late. I'm trying to at least be on time and always let people know if I'M going to be late. And I did not let her know because I kind of forgot. Cause I didn't put her on my calendar and it was a Monday. And so she had every right to be furious with me. But when I was just vulnerable and said, look, I'm dealing with this really major issue. I had to take medicine this morning and I just didn't feel well. And my. I just kind of. I'm spacing here because I can't think straight because I need a root canal and I can't get one till March. And this was January. And she was like, no worries, I guide you. I'll send you all the information. I have friends who've gone to this dentist about him. I know they take their families. I think she even said that she went and she. Literally as soon as she got home, we had our meeting and it went. And she. We were both very kind. Even though what was going on with the kid was not always the kindest stuff to talk about. It's no fun to have to show up to the principal's office on a Monday morning at 8:30 with your kid. Right. That's not. It's usually not a good thing when you're showing up like that. And when the principal's late, it sucks. Right. So she was so kind and we were able to get through the meeting and it was really a positive one. But then when I reached out to that dental office and it was like it just happened so effortlessly. Everything. Yeah.

Amazing. Yeah, yeah. And it's by you being human, you showing that human moment, then she was able to connect with you at that level and then help support you in a way.

The human moment is so important and that's what's so cool about your community. People get into this and push their boundaries. One thing was his name, Mike, where he would interview people in his yoga class and stuff. I was like, now that's cool. I got my daughter to at least answer some questions for me. But as many people as I talk to and engage with, just for me to walk up and be like, hey, can I just interview you? It's weird.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, we'll see. Do it. And I think it's weird because I withdraw so much. Yeah, push yourself to do that. But now it's like next time I'm at a place by myself, I need to whip out some of those questions and just ask people. Yeah, fun. Instead of just trying to let things be organic. And you may wind up talking about things you really don't want to talk about, like the conversation could derail to something that you should probably avoid anyway, so.

Well, the podcast challenge is going to be a lead in to the dating challenge because I'm doing another dating challenge in the summer. And so the podcast challenge is going to get everyone warmed up. So by the time the dating challenge comes up, it's game on.

Game.

So, yeah, that's awesome. We sort of talked about your background with being a principal and having students, and I'd love you to just kind of get into your story because there's so much about you that is fascinating. And I just think that it's so inspiring for people to hear everything you have going right now.

Okay. Well, I'm a high school principal of a small magnet school and I absolutely love it. It's an AP in honors school, so my students, many of them want to be there, which is awesome. And some that don't, I have to kind of, you know, deal with and stay on top of. But it's a wonderful blend. It's a pretty eclectic city where I am. It's becoming more and more expensive, but that's another story. Let's see. I started my career in television production, actually. And then when my great aunt convinced me to become a teacher because I was wasting all that education that I had when I could just teach and try to inspire others who really had the passion to what I was trying to do, because I knew eventually I wanted to have a family and teaching would have fit that because I had friends who moved on into the entertainment industry. A lot of them don't have kids and didn't have a family because that's what they sacrificed. And I knew I always wanted to have at least a kid, which one girl. And I got exactly what I wanted. So once I got into education, I think moving to North Carolina is what really lit the fire to be inspired to be an administrator, to be of a better support to teachers. Because of the limited support that I got as a teacher, I was not the easiest teacher to get along with either. I pushed the envelope just like I did in high school. And I was a little ballsy and I always had a smart comment or not afraid to assert myself. So I was spoken to about that on occasion as a child, and I still did because I was told that I was bossy, but I had leadership skills. But also I wasn't going to bow down and, and take a lot of nonsense. So I think I wound UP teaching for 17 years and in developing that ballsy presence because, you know, as you get older you get a little bit more emboldened. Right. As you. Especially in a. In a career where to the point I was questioning some of my administrators, like how long did you teach? What did you teach? And what are you trying to get us to do? And how are you advocating for us if you don't really. So once I started doing those questions, I was really sadly inspired by people who really sucked as administrators. But that's okay because when someone's doing something poorly, that can be inspiration as well. And people have to remember that. So. But it's true. I had some decent ones, but for the most part, and it's just a different structure in New Jersey. Administrators were very much looked up to and I have more fond memories. And I think it's because they were more seasoned veteran teachers. And so those are people with lived experience who can help you when you mess up or you're learning as you're on your journey. But you weren't getting that here in the south because they make it a lot easier to become an administrator. So it's almost like an incentive to get you in and out of the classroom. Well, also it's one of the lowest paid states in the country. I think we are still the lowest right now. So anyone. But I moved here, really. My parents retired here to North Carolina, so I came to take care of them. My daughter went to state school and I knew having her pay institute tuition was going to be better for us to live here. So it was a beautiful experience when my parents transitioned because I was out in the city near Raleigh, my daughter and I used to vacation to Asheville all the time. And so I would come up here and fell in love with the city. But it's a very different city once you live here versus being a tourist. And tourism is huge here. But it is a beautiful city nonetheless. But it's still a city. So I found a community here that I really enjoy serving. And I'm going to tell you what did it for me. My first football game that I ever worked, my first home football game because there's nothing like Southern high school football. And especially out here. I mean, we have Astroturf. Our stadium looks like a college. It can rival some college stadiums. It's beautiful and our building is beautiful. But I was at a football game and I saw black kids with Birkenstocks and flannels on and I was like, I'm home. Yeah, that's that. It was okay to just be have that hippie vibe. And it wasn't all about fashion. It was about this is what we wear. Because there's this whole black alacha life that I didn't know anything about growing up in Jersey. And I just became really fascinated by it. So, yeah, so I've been here, oh, God, almost six years now. So it's been pretty cool. And I was back in my teaching career, Did English sometimes, but mostly with the TV production. I have this ability to kind of get different people from different walks of life to come together to create something pretty awesome. If they follow the group dynamics that are presented, they can create amazing things. And that's what I was doing as a broadcasting teacher. So I like to bring a little bit of that to just my leadership, because I love to take eclectic, interesting folks, like teachers. If I put my teachers in a room, I probably have one of the most fascinating, diverse staffs out of everybody in my district. I mean, they're just. It's a small group of teachers. I only have 14 versus some of my friends that have. One of my friends has over a hundred. But I will tell you, it's. It's just. It's awesome to be on this journey, to have the opportunity to create, to paint pictures for kids, to sell them on goals, to be a goal digger, to be a gold digger, and to teach them to be the same way. But when we hit the pandemic, that was really tough. And as a principal, well, teachers knew what they were gonna be doing during the pandemic. We were able to make a plan for them immediately. But then my assistant and I were like, well, what are we gonna do? So I said, we're gonna call every family. You start with the freshmen, I start with the seniors, and we'll meet in the middle. And we literally started calling every family. And that's how I started collecting so much fasc on my parents and their kids. And some of the parents, I didn't even know who their kid was, because I don't try to get caught up in those politics, but it was really cool. But one thing I did find out that there was a lot of frustration of parents just not really knowing their kids and not knowing how to inspire their kids. Like, I've literally had to go to cars and take kids out of the car. I could inspire them to get out of the car, to come to school better than their own parenthood. So I knew I was kind of onto something just hearing those stories. So I went to a supervisor at the time because my supervisors have shifted quite a bit here. And I asked for his support, and he had never done what I had done. And that's where that lived experience thing comes in. So he had never been a principal before, but he's leading a district of principals, so he could not provide the support in the capacity that I needed to be able to help my families. So I created this Productive Struggle series, Productive Struggle and Growth mindset series. And I just started curating all these awesome TED videos. I started with articles, but I was an English teacher. I remember not everybody likes to read, so I started with shorter memes, because people will read a meme or the quotes. Right. So I started with some quotes, and then I just said, well, everybody still likes video. And I know people are tired of talking heads, but this stuff will come in handy again. And I just logged everything that I was doing, but it was basically almost my own little social emotional series for my parents and for the kids. And I knew I was onto something when I had one kid kind of argue with me about one of the posts. You make it seem like everybody can just do anything. And I'm like, every. They can. And she's like, well, for some people, just getting in the shower is all they can do. And I'm like, and they did that. Let's see if we can get them to brush their teeth. You know, not everybody's going to go to Harvard. Yeah. Now, you know, a lot of my kids go to big Ivy League schools and really great schools. My school has a reputation for that. But I also have some students who struggle and some who don't go to college at all or who go right into the workforce. And education just isn't their thing. But we help them get across the stage. And so when they said that, I knew I was onto something because they were like, yeah, my parents and I were arguing about this at dinner last night, and I was like, oh, you guys still eat dinner? That's awesome. It just warms my heart. So that is where I realized the importance of just trying to constantly improve. And so I gave in and went back to school. And that's all. When you're working on a doctoral program, is this continuous improvement, because the type of degree that I'm getting, I'm actually getting an edd, and it's for scholar practitioners. So I'm not just sitting back doing research. I'm actually doing the work and collecting the data and then trying to solve an actual problem that we're dealing with. And I have changed my topic three times. This third time, my professor doesn't even know about it. But I think I'm onto something with this whole parenting thing and trying to encourage parents in a way where it's not preachy. It's not just try to give them some basic, simple things that they can do to get to know these amazing humans that live under their roof. So if nothing else, they can just let them be who they are. We have parents who are destroying their kids, trying to make their kids be like the neighbor's kids. Because cousin went to Yale. You've got to go to Yale. No, if you want to go to Ab Tech or open your own business, do that, listen to the kid. But now I work in a state where we're becoming very much like some of the other unfavorable decisions being made as far as education and eliminating books and eliminating content and limiting what we can do and say. And what scares me, it's almost like I have to out my kids. You know how many kids I have that come to my school that feel safe to be themselves, but when they go home, they have to wash off whatever mask they're putting on because parents have no idea that that's who they are and that's what they're into. And it's age old. Whether it's a sexual identification thing or just a identity thing of representing something that they like that their parents don't like. A lot of kids can't be who they want to be at home. So, yeah, it's pretty heavy. But that's what my passion has become. So that's what I want to do my doctorate on. And when it's a. Parenting at this time of age is a very sticky subject. Like I said, my state just came out with a house bill, which is actually called the Parents Bill of Rights. And I'm like, you don't get any rights until you send me a kid that's trauma free, clean, well taken care of, fed, mentally sound and healthy, then you can have all the rights you want. But until such time, I'm school mom and I need your support to get them across the stage. But you are not going to oversee what I do when I've gone to school and I have the career to do this. So it's frightening to see what's happening in education. So part of me wants to stay in it to try to inspire others to do it. But then I feel like I'm snake oil salesman because I see the direction that we're going. And God forbid if that dude in Florida becomes president. God bless us all if DeSantis is, because he's already dismantling Public education in Florida, they've already done it in Texas. Texas has already taken over the public school system. So they're showing how they can do it. And I've worked in school districts where they've been taken over by the state and it's not, it wasn't like that. It's because they really needed the help and the kids really needed the help. Now it's to derail any sense of open mindedness and creativity and not to develop thinkers. And that makes me.

Yeah, I love that you are doing the thing right with everything from starting with television production, then going into teaching, then becoming a principal, now going back to your doctorate and you're constantly moving forward. And then during COVID you're creating this program for the productive struggle which you're getting to see what really lights you up and lights you on fire. And then through that you're now seeing where your true calling is really. And you're seeing this growth in the parents that you're able to help. And honestly, Nikki, there's not. And you know this, I'm sure there is not enough information out there for parents, especially with the teens. I feel feel like people do pretty good when the kids are younger, but teenagers, I mean and even young adult, there's not.

Because they cut them off.

Yeah, there's not enough. And that's when, that's when you, when.

They ag the most.

And then that idea, what you said, that do the thing is like this. And I think you know that about me too. We all think we have to live this prescribed life and then all of a sudden you're living it and you're 50 and you're like, wait, what have I been doing for the last 50 years? This is stupid. And then you rip all that off and like you said, the mask comes off and that's when your world really opens. And that's one of the things I'm trying to do is help people both when they're at that over 40 stage, kind of go into it. But then why do we have to wait for that? Let's start where you're starting. Teach them young. And I love that that's your mission, is by you seeing that you don't have to be like the kid next door going back to the attachment to an outcome. As a parent, don't have an attachment to an outcome of what your kid is supposed to be. Have them be who they are.

I love that and I had to learn it myself too. One thing that you made me think of, a pet peeve because one pet peeve I really do have is an administrator that runs a building but can't even run their own home. Because when you choose this life and this profession, I really do believe you have. I live it, so I do. My daughter is a poster child for just appropriate attention. I mean, she certainly isn't perfect and nor was my attention given always perfect. But you better believe she was the center of my universe for a while, but not in a sick way where she grew up entitled. But she is an amazing human who does such great civic work. She's so much smarter than I'll ever be. And that wasn't that hard to make that happen, but it was choices. I didn't do much. And especially as a single mom, you just have to pour into your kids. And when I knew how good she was at music and she was like, I'm gonna be a lawyer. Like, no, you're not. We're just gonna nurture this thing that you're really good at and you like, and let's see if you can make money. What parent would say that? Most parents are like, be a lawyer, go. Be a doctor, go. No, I wanted her to find it on her own, and she did. And she. Thankfully, I manifested where she went to school and she did. And that was then. She just started exceeding all my expectations. And now that she's a 23, 6 year old, I can't have any more expectations. She's exceeded them. Because after you get them, my thing is, like, once you get them through college, they need to fly the coup. And she did, man. She went to Spain for grad school and never moved back in. And that's the goal. Right. I get when parents help kids, but sometimes they enable them, even their adults. Yeah. It goes from help to enablement to entitlement, or that enabling an entitlement where the kid is like, I can come here whenever I want. No, you can't. Because my daughter knows I could change that code on the door at any time. So the relationship has to be solid and you have to let. But I let her be who she is, and that's why she wants to come visit. And that's cool. She doesn't visit enough for me. I'd like to see her more.

But yeah, and it's healthy because you're giving her the motivation to want to do something on her own and not feel like she's constantly able to come.

Back and help other people in the process too. Like, she's so. She's amazing. So when I tell parents this Stuff I'm like, I kind of know what I'm talking about. I've been entrusted in the care of a lot of kids as a teacher because you know, when you're a teacher, you close that door. It's just you and your kids, baby. And you hear the stories. And there were no cell phones back then, but I used it for good. And I've had such great relationships with my kids and so many of them have grown up to be such amazing humans and some of them have made some unwise choices and disappointing life choices, but for the most part, there's nothing better. And the way the government, non educators. Well, Yeah, I think DeSantis was a teacher, but I heard he was a terrible teacher. And that's the thing. When you close that door, you don't know what's really going on back there. But those relationships are so important. And living that life. I've chosen to live that life. So, yeah. Do I want to be downtown Asheville getting drunk, dancing on bar tops? Sure. But I can't because I'll go to Vegas and do that. But I mean, you have. And you have to be wise in your choices. Right? Because I chose to be not so much a role model, but I have to lead by example. Servant leaders have to lead by example.

You mentioned. I think this was offline. I don't think this has been on here yet. But you're also thinking about doing a TED Talk and I was curious what that's been like for you. And is your topic going to be on what we've been talking about?

Yeah. Yeah. And see now what I'm trying to do because about a month ago I was like, oh my God, my head's so jumbled. I'm going to have to quit school to do this. And da, da, da, da, da. But now what I have to introduce to my professor. But she said not to worry about the dissertation yet because I can start this summer and shift and I'm a writer, so it's not going to be that hard. But I want to synthesize this whole parenting thing with. Because my, my TEDx talk that I'm attempting to get. I'm working with a coach right now, only sent in a few applications, but I got to get on the stick and keep applying and hopefully land one within the next few months. That's the goal. But yes, the focus of it is, is a very simple message to parents to get them to seriously consider looking at who their kid is and not they want their kid to be. I mean, because that was a great disappointment to my mother. She wanted me to be jet setting with Oprah because I went into tv, right? I was supposed to be this famous TV person. I think she was disappointed from it on the surface because she didn't get to hang out with Oprah and Gayle. Neither did I. I never made it to that level of success until. But I always wanted to be a child psychologist. I just didn't want to go to school to study psychology. And so look at me, I'm really doing what I want to do. I'm making terrible money, but I have more fun and I don't have to worry about things like doctors do. And I'm not writing drugs. I write prescriptions for life. I don't want to write drugs. And that's the big thing. You go to school and learn all that science to write a prescription for a drug, to be a psychologist. And I don't want kids on drugs. I am trying to get them off of them because so many of our kids are overly medicated, which is another one of my big passions. And y' all can look up the statistics, but you look at Europe, European high school students, and you look at American high school or just students K12 or whatever their range is, I know it's a little different than ours. I think there's maybe 13. But anyway, the percentage of children in Europe on medication is so low compared to the United States. And you know, I've sat in on a lot of these meetings and the parents are running down the drugs that they are on, the drugs that the kid is on. And some of these students have been overly medicated on personnel. And I call them personality modification meds. Now, don't get me wrong, there are some kids that really, really need their meds. But there are a lot of kids that if you just adjust diet, introduce them to certain interests so they can find their passion. I had a student who used to have psychosomatic seizures. She was on so much medication, she discovered cross fitness. She became such a badass, dropped the meds, but that's what she needs. Some people's bodies just need to work out, right? Yeah, right. And she found her passion and she went to college. And she's weightlifting at her college.

It's like all that energy was bottled up. And so then they thought the meds was the thing to hear that for.

The meds instead of getting to know her and calling that that experience. And they were lovely people, but they just enabled her to be this little withering thing that would just Throw herself on the floor.

Yeah.

And then when I got to the school I was like, that is not happening anymore, kiddo. I don't play that. My mom worked at Big Pharma though, so I know I've been doing a lot of research about pharmaceuticals and I've kind of become a specialist because a lot of kids want to go in the military. You cannot go in the military on any of those drugs that our parents have been feeding their kids. So you can't be on Prozac and go in the military. There's like very limited medication I think you can be on to go in the military and it has to be life affirming etiquette. You can't live without it, right? Yeah, but that stuff you can live without and. But you've got to learn how.

I'd love to hear what you said earlier for the parent getting to know who the kid is, not who the parent wants them to be. What would be just some tips you have for people listening that are parents or maybe even not even parents, but anyone listening. Because I think that what you're about to say is going to apply to a lot of people.

Yeah, I know. And it's so simple. Right. And this is where people are like, oh, you're so conservative. Have dinner with your kid every night if you can or have a meal because I know some people work weird schedules. Have a meal with your kid if you can prepare it together, even better. Date your kid. Let your kid choose the game that you're going to play and play board games and cards. Put down the DMTV remote. You could go watch a movie later or whatever, but I mean there's no engagement. Talking about a movie eliminates or in even video games. This is one of no poo pooing video games because they do serve their purpose, but there's no imagination. But you're not in an imaginative state where because you're not talking about dreams and break out music and share your favorite music and listen to theirs even if it's awful. And then say because you're going to hear something that sounds like something you used to listen to and then show them, then make that connection, whatever it is, if it's music, if it's sports, turn off the TV and go outside for a walk ground together. Take your shoes off. If you have grass, just walk in the grass and talk about the best parts of your day and express gratitude. Slow down. And I know people have to work, I get that. But everybody's not always talking to avoid their Kids, I mean, and many people work just to stay away from their kids. They have kids and they pop them right out and boom, right to childcare. I know some people who the salary that they make is what they pay in childcare. I would try to figure out another income stream and stay home with my kid. If you're not ready to have a kid, then that's okay. Don't have the kid and then expect everybody else to raise them. So it's really simple. Raise your kid and whatever that looks like for you. But when I say that to. And these are simple things, it's nothing new. I'm not saying anything new, but I have a lot of kids that I've worked with who've been in therapy. And these are things that therapists have been telling kids for years or families for years. You've got to spend time with them. And spending time with them is not fighting over the remote.

And what do you think's a way for a parent listening that maybe hasn't been doing it and they want to set it up now with their kid and be like, okay, I'm going to follow Nikki's advice. How do they get started?

Be prepared for the resistance, because you've allowed the nonsense to go on for so long, but you are the parent. Put your dang foot down. We're going to turn off the TV and we're going to cook tonight. Or you can have a nice balance, too. Like what I used to do with my stepson to try to inspire him to cook. I introduced him to Rachel Ray. She's beautiful, she's cute. He was watching her show all the time, you find. Because I know what kind of girls he likes, right? And she was pretty. And he would just. He was at. Now, that's the kind of TV I want you watching. And then he would experiment and cook stuff. So you can even prescribe something for them, even if you're not doing it together. But then it does come back to be something that benefits the collective of the household, Right? Cause he was a teenager by then, but he didn't know how to cook well. And I'm like, dude, you're not going to be like your dad. Because I married a man who can't cook. And so I'm going to make sure you will be marketable. And that's how I bonded with my stepson when we would cook together and he would bake. I'd come home and he'd be baking cookies. It was all, oh, wow.

What do you suggest people like, is there Some kind of space holding during dinner that you recommend. Because I feel like dinner could be a way that could be more pressure if they're not given some kind of idea of how that should be.

All right. Just like when I used to run my classroom, right. Every classroom has to have rules. So. And I did it in a very diplomatic way. I tried to never use the word no. So you have to be crafty with the way you rephrase things. But I also let my students chime in on what they wanted. So I think a family meeting is in order. And this again, is nothing new. Highly productive families or something like that. It's a covey thing. Family meeting. You call a family meeting. And in that meeting you create norms. And as the parent, you get to rule. You get to say yes or no. But let them have a say a little bit. But then also you have to put your foot down and it seems collaborative. Yeah, they got. They gotta say they may not get all that they want, but they might. They might have some cool ideas. So I think when you have that family meeting, it's like, okay, so we're going to decide that when we sit down to eat, zero electronica at the table. And the only electronica will be music. If instead of the television. Right. And then it's like you get to bring the music that you want to play, then that's where you get to. Because it can't be the parent who's stuck in the 80s music. And that's all they want to listen to. And the kid has zero interest in that. Not that there's anything wrong with that music, but you got to be open. But if the kid is into classical music, then shut up and listen to that song that inspires your kid.

Yeah.

Or that album. And hopefully it won't be one of those really annoying. They've got some really annoying things that I hear young people and parents singing. And I'm like, wow, I'm glad we didn't have that. We just had real music. That's how we bonded. But yeah, so having that family meeting, letting your kiddos have a say potentially, and you come up with norms of what the expectations are. And even if it's just for an hour, that is so huge because most families don't even spend that kind of time. Families have. No. They don't know their kids sometimes. They're so busy rushing them to this sport, that sport, they've got them involved in so many things and setting them off. You gotta spend some of that time. You gotta put it in. And when they start finding something that they're into, you gotta get into it. There's a violinist, and when she started, it was painful, but she could play the piano beautifully at a very young age. But I was blessed with that. But, I mean, then she got to a point where she was so good, she wouldn't even play in front of me because she was so shy. So I would be outside her door listening to her practice.

Oh.

But whatever it is, you got to have that give and take and recognize that you've got to be making those decisions for your kids, too. Like, if you're not ready to put your kid first, don't have children. And there's a lot of really awesome people that don't have kids, and that's okay. And I mean, so many of them, they feel they've been shamed for not having kids or whatever. There are some religions that feel that a woman is not whole if she don't. Or. Or just some mindsets. I don't even want to say religions. We'll just say mindsets.

Yeah.

But some of them are steeped in religion. That a woman is not complete unless she has a man and a child. Really? No. So when I meet people who are like, yeah, I didn't have kids and they're in their 50s, I'm like, thank you. Because they wind up in my office when they're unwanted. Yeah.

Yeah.

Or when there's a problem.

I would love to hear what would be your number one piece of advice for people on doing the thing.

Be all in. Just say, I'm game and just do it. And I will say for me, when I was doing it, because I was using that time that I would be on dating apps, I was doing the dares instead. And then it got to a point where I was like, I don't know if you remember the meme that I posted. It was the one of Dave Chappelle where he looks like a crackhead.

Oh, yeah.

He got me one of those dares. I'm itching for the next dare. But I was also going through that time where I was sick and have a little bit more time on my hands. But. But, yeah, I enjoy it. And it was just. You just replace. I was taking out the time that I was wasting on social media and did that and found it to be far more rewarding and being a part of the community. And I noticed the difference with the second to the thing that I was in for the writing of the book, because this is kind of aligning with me. Working on the TEDx talk, which is following a formula of an outline for a book that I had that I started writing a while ago, but that was more from a stepmom perspective. So I think I've been able to soften it a little bit. And now that I've had a little bit more experience as a principal under my belt, because I was still an assistant principal when I started writing that book too.

I think the other thing you said earlier, I want to bring that back just to see if anything else comes alive because I speak to this a lot in the community, is it's so easy for us to shame ourselves for not doing the things that we want or from looking at someone else that's doing something cool and saying, oh, I'm not doing that, so I must be X. And you mentioned something about that kid that was like, oh, I can't do it. Like I have trouble going into the shower. And you're like, but you took a shower. Now brush your teeth. And it's just taking that little extra step. It doesn't have to go all the way there. Now just take one extra step outside of what you're doing and then that's how you're able to move. And I think we have such a capacity for shaming ourselves for not being this perfect thing and then we do.

It to our kids and then you say, come to me and tell me to fix it. Yeah, it's true comparison. I know there's a really good quote that I can't think of it right now, but it is, it will be the death of you if you compare yourself to others. What my success looks like, it is completely different than what success may look like to you and to your daughter and to my daughter and her fiance. Everybody's definition of success is different. So just, just cheer people on and just be open to it and just do what you can do. Don't compare yourself to everybody else. Just compare yourself to who you were yesterday. And if you're taking those baby steps that only you could shower yesterday, but today you brushed your teeth, then you showered, then great. It's steps in the right direction. Pretty soon we'll get you out making breakfast and then maybe taking a step out the front door. You gotta take those, gotta take those steps. I love that there are some people starting multi million dollar businesses in a couple of weeks. Great for them. I mean, I've seen some phenomenal success, like Internet success with my students. I have a student who literally makes like $10,000 a week, a former Student.

Wow.

Like, that's awesome. So being on your computer all the time and being gentle with yourself, if you miss a day, because it was kind of cute, because there would be some people that would come back and be like, I was caught up in dealing with this, but I'm coming back and I'm making up my dares. And. Yeah, and I think I had to do that a couple of times. I think I even put a couple of them in one post because life does get in the way. But just if you stay anchored in doing, might bring you out of something. I mean, I noticed a lot of folks in the community have just been inspired to do some really great things, and the podcasts and the book ideas and the book group was, I think, a little overwhelming because it was like. I think there was a lot more people in the book group, it seemed to me, than maybe the dating. But wow. Just the. The cool ideas. I mean, I. There was one lady who was posting something about her dating adventures. I think that she was going to write about that and. Yes. Yeah, totally. Does that not resonate with many of us on the dating site to begin with? And I think I was drinking. I literally squirted through my nose laughing at something she broke. You can't make this up. It's so awesome. So it's. Yeah, it's great. It's.

You're making me think, too. I think the thing that I really want to speak to, I think on the next challenge specifically is, is I think these dares and the challenges, they also help people with that all or nothing thinking. Because there's sometimes people will say, oh, it's already started. I can't start, and you can, or, I haven't had time to do all the dares, so I'm just gonna stop and. No, you still can. I try to make the dare something that don't compound. It's something that you could just start whenever you want. That's kind of the strategy that I use, and I think that's a good muscle to flex, because even with food, all or nothing. How many times do we have all or nothing thinking with food? It's like, okay, I'm going on a diet. Okay, now I'm going to eat everything in sight because I'm going on a diet tomorrow. And so it's such a common thing to do in life. And so anyway, that's something I want to. As you're talking, that's what's coming alive is I really want to help people flex that muscle and just kind of do what you can, right?

Yeah. Just do what you can. Be gentle with yourself. Put the bad away. That's what I'm. I always tell my students or my coworkers. Stop beating yourself up. Just move forward and change the past. If you meant to do a challenge last Wednesday and you chose to do something else, that's fine. But now, if you're going to do it today, do it and enjoy it.

Yeah, well, I'd love to hear. Is there anything I did not ask you that you wish I asked you?

Oh, boy. No, because we just talk about so much. You know how I do. I'll just.

So good. No, it's so good.

I'll just keep rolling into the next day. I think we're pretty much covered a lot of good stuff.

So is there anywhere people can follow you online, Instagram or anything if they want to keep up with your journey?

Yes. QueenKush.com is my website, and right now there's not a whole lot of content on there because it's like. Well, there is a lot of my old stuff that they want to just get to know a little bit more about me and Nikki Kendall on Facebook.

Okay. Thank you so much for coming on, Nikki. This has been so amazing, and I just really. I'm excited for people to listen to this and have dinner with their kids tonight.

Yes, please, folks, please. And if you make it together, all the better. So simple, but it works for the listeners.

Don't forget, do the thing. Don't wait for opportunity. Create it.

Create it.