Episode 194 - Wendy Sterling On How This Coach And Author Reclaimed Her Life After Divorce

I do really believe 100% from every part of me that everyone has the capacity to be able to do the things that they want and not to be held back by the mental baggage that's in our head that we want to push through.

Welcome to the do the Thing podcast. In each episode, we get down and personal with people who go after the things they want to make all their wildest dreams come true. Join us as we unveil and dissect a formula for what it takes to do the thing. Here is your host, Stacy Lauren.

Hey everyone. Welcome to the do the Thing podcast. This is your host, Stacy Lauren. I am so excited to welcome Wendy to the show. Hey, Wende.

Hi. How are you?

I am good. How are you?

I'm great. I'm so excited to be here.

I know, I'm so excited to have you here. I love when I get introduced to someone from an incredible person and then I get a chance to really dive into everything that you're doing.

Yes, same here. I love just having conversations with other people who feel passionately about empowering women. So I'm really excited to dive into our topic today. Yay.

Well, let's start off and why don't you, for the listeners, share more about you and your story.

Absolutely. So my story begins about six and a half years ago and essentially I was driving home from a couple's night out with my then husband. And all of a sudden, really late at night, his cell phone rang not once but five times from a female colleague who I knew about and thought was a friend. And in that moment I got a punch in my gut like I have never felt in my life. And I knew that something was off. I knew that something didn't feel right. And after multiple excuses coming out of my ex husband's mouth, I knew that my worst nightmare had come true, which was that my marriage was coming to an end and that he was indeed having an affair with this woman. And so what ended up happening was from that moment forward, it was, it was an intuitive wake up call that came in the form of a two by four hitting me upside the head and really forcing me to have to wake up and see that I had completely lost myself in my marriage, that I had completely just fallen asleep at the wheel. Essentially we were together for. Married for 15 years, together for 23, had the Facebook facade, perfect life, both huge careers, beautiful boys, and to the outside world, we were perfect. And the last couple that anyone thought would break up and unfortunately what was going on behind closed doors was not what social media was, was showing or what I was controlling social media to say. And so it was obviously quite a shock to our entire world around what was going on. But more importantly, it was a shock to my system because I really looked in the mirror and thought to myself, who the heck are you? And so I decided to take it as an opportunity for me to really start digging deep into when I had really just lived into his vision of me, lived into his vision of our life and our marriage. And it was time for me to take back control and to really start learning who I was again after everything that I had been through over 15 years of being married to him, and then ultimately with this new discovery. And so in that process, let me also level set to your listeners. I was in therapy individually and actually my ex husband and I, we had been in couples therapy for two years before this revelation and not once did this ever come out. And so it wasn't like we weren't doing the work, it was that one of us was and one of us wasn't. And I'll let your listeners figure out who is who in that scenario. And I don't also mean to say that he wasn't doing it, but typically if you're in couples therapy, affairs are something that you have to work really hard to sweep under the rug. And my ex husband was really good at that. He's a really good manipulator, really good liar. Just had me turn the tables with narcissistic characteristics, making me think I was crazy. And so I really needed to separate myself from him. And so he moved out. And I not only still went headfirst into doing my own therapy, I also started doing a lot of soul searching and listening to different podcasts, reading self help books, just really trying to figure out who the heck I was. All at the same time. I had started a brand new job. I had worked 20 plus years in corporate America leading teams in the women's lifestyle, fashion space with digital advertising. And here I was pretending to be this person at work and really behind closed doors, I just, I was crumbling. And as the universe loves to send us messages in unforeseen ways, one day a couple of months later, I saw a post from a friend of a friend who had become a life coach. And something sparked in me. My intuition kicked in again and said, you need to reach out to her. And so I did. And that's when I discovered the world of what coaching was all about and how it was different from therapy. And so essentially what coaching really enabled me to do was to think about my future. How many of us dare to dream right? When you're going through a life transition, whether that be divorce or loss of a job, or the death of a loved one, loss of a long term relationship, whatever your transition is, we don't really give ourselves the opportunity because we're so stuck in the past and what we did wrong. And so what this woman enabled me to do was to really start thinking about where I wanted my life to go. And ultimately, not only that, but is he the person who's going to be by my side when I'm living my dream when I'm in that place? And my therapist, who I God love, I mean, she helped me with so much other stuff. I found that I was constantly focusing on my past and things about my childhood which, don't get me wrong, were super important for me to figure out and to learn. But what I wasn't getting was really leaning into, okay, now what and where do I go from here? And so that really just, I mean, it catapulted me. In a course of a couple of coaching sessions, I had moved through so many more emotions around my divorce than I had the entire eight months before in therapy. And so I knew that there was something here. And ultimately what my divorce wound up teaching me was that I had lost my voice, I lost my identity, and I was living the dream of somebody else. And ultimately it was my choice to finally take the reign and to see the vision that I wanted. And ultimately my vision did not include my ex husband. I wanted a partner who I had new boxes to check and he didn't check many of them, mainly because our values just were not aligned. And so from that point forward, I really took it upon myself to start over. I wiped my slate clean. I quit my 20 year career and decided to go headfirst into entrepreneurship, which I was sort of doing in corporate America. But I didn't see it until that point and decided to give myself two years to build my business. And my business was going to be to help women like me to dream, to see that it's possible for them to really go through something that even though it knocks you down, it's really about what are you going to do about it, how are you going to get up and what are you going to do after you get up off the floor. And so I created my business and I went on a spiritual journey within that that I get to also invite my clients into. And ultimately what I help women do is to rediscover and to reclaim their voice and identity, to live the life that they dream instead of feeling stuck with the one that they were left with. And it's been. I started my business over five years ago, and it's just been one of the most worthwhile journeys of my life. And I always say my divorce was a gift, and the silver lining was finding me. And at the end of the day, what's better than that?

Yeah, it's so good in terms of being able to see it now. Right. And looking back and just seeing all these little things that you did that were able to make the changes that you wanted to. The interesting thing is, was it yesterday? I just did a podcast interview with someone yesterday who introduced that concept of, in order for us to make a change, it either needs to be so bad for us to be able to make the change. And his analogy was either a feather, a brick, or a semi truck. And I think you spoke to that really well with that two by four.

Yes.

And it's almost like that was the moment that you needed to pretty much lose everything to start over.

Yes, 100%. And I did. I mean, the entire foundation of my life was gone. Everything that I had believed to be true, everything that I thought our marriage was built upon, my life just. It was gone. And I've never felt more out of control in that moment in my life. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me, truly. Yeah.

I'm curious, when you went to the coach or when you got the life coach and you've been in therapy for a while, what was it that made the biggest shift for you that you were able to make huge changes versus the therapy, which was slower. Yeah.

You know, it really was the visioning. It was really getting clear. So what coaching is all about, it's about, where are you now and where do you want to go? And creating the steps to get to that vision. And it's not like your vision is ever like. It's not a. It's not a final destination. It's an ongoing journey. And so with each level that you get to, it's like you're moving up to the next level. And I never understood that. I thought that I was in a constant. It was like sprint after sprint after sprint. How do I get there faster? How do I get there instead of just, oh, it's a marathon, and I'm going to look around and I'm going to take some water because I'm tired and thirsty at this point in time. And. And really, what coaching enabled me to do was to. It was a couple of things. It was really to allow myself to dream and believe that it was possible for me to have everything that I wanted. And then secondarily what it also did was it really taught me about who I was. It taught me what my values were. It taught me that I had no boundaries in my life, that I didn't know where I ended and my ex husband began. That's a huge part of being able to find yourself. What coaching also taught me was the art of looking at things from different perspectives. Right. We put polarity on so much of our life. I feel like we live in a society where it's either good or it's bad. And what I really was able to do was to see things from different perspectives. Marriage takes two people and so does divorce. At the end of the day, you're each a hundred percent responsible for your 50%. And so what I was able to do with coaching and then ultimately with some of the other credentials that I also received that have to do with energy healing, with sound healing. I took spiritual psychology courses and I also did a leadership program. I was constantly investing in myself. And part of what coaching enabled me to see was my worth, was being able to see that I was worthy of not only having the life that I wanted, but investing in myself along the way to get there. It's really powerful when you don't have to ask somebody permission to spend money. It's really powerful for you to be able to make decisions by yourself. And I never felt like I was able to do that. And so what my coach really helped me to do was to step into a place where I felt empowered to make my own decisions and that my voice mattered and that I got to love myself. Because if I didn't love myself, how would I know what love felt like on the outside? And so it's really about converting all your fears into a new perspective, into a completely different lens. And, and then from there figuring out, okay, now that you know this about yourself, what do you want to do? Where do you want to take this? And ultimately for me too, it was about finding the right partner. Many times when people don't do the work and it takes more than therapy, it really does. And I love therapy. I mean absolutely no disrespect. I think that I believe in a multifaceted approach for us to go through these types of major traumas because it's not just a one stop shop. It literally takes a village because there's multiple areas that you have to feed Into. And so for me, I was putting all my eggs in one basket. Instead of seeing that I got to actually distribute my eggs. And ultimately by distributing them, it was going to get me farther. And that wasn't something that existed six and a half years ago when I was starting my process with this. And so ultimately what I wanted to do was to create the all the eggs in one basket, minus the therapy, but from a mental health perspective around. It takes its mind, its body. Well, I call it mind, heart and spirit. It's really kind of like that triangle. Right. It's a trifecta is the word that's coming to me to say. And therapy was just not cutting it.

Yeah. And I'm just picturing you after having been married. And I like the wording you use with the Facebook facade. And there's this picture that's out there of you that you're daytime picture. And then you have what's happening at home. Right. Which I think a lot of people are in that situation or have been.

Yes.

Where what they're portraying is different than what's actually happening. And then all of a sudden, that happens with your ex husband. Right. Where the call happens. And then you ended up finding the life coach. What was the big shift? How did you get through that hardest time? What was the thing that really just helped you the most?

Oh, there were so many hard times, to be honest. I know I kind of story skipped there. I mean, there's so much more that happened and that it wasn't until the next morning that I got the courage to say something and to actually kick him out of the house. It really. And I'll be honest, I was a mess for two weeks. It took me two weeks to tell my parents what was going on. I was pretending for a while, other than when I saw my therapist and my best friend knew, but my mother and my father, who I'm super close with, I couldn't even tell them because I was so buried in shame. And so for me, in the beginning, it was really around. I really focused on my kids, to be honest with you. I didn't want my kids to feel because they were 7 and 10 at the time, and I didn't want them to feel an ounce of pain. Right. So many of us want to protect our kids. So many of us stay in our marriages because we think it's best for our kids. And so for me, it was really about how do I find an outlet outside that does not allow my pain to stay on the inside. And so for me, it Was really therapy. And this is sort of the bridge between when I discovered coaching, but it was therapy. It was listening to podcasts and reading books and working out. I worked out like a fiend. I dropped a ton of weight because I wasn't eating. I was sick to my stomach. I started a new job. I was a single mom. Because he was nowhere to be found, I kicked him out. So he had to go move in and live with his parents. And I still had two kids to raise. And so I was literally hanging on by a thread until I discovered life coaching as a whole. I think, and I hear this a lot with women, is that we think, oh, one more podcast or one more self help book and I'm going to be there. And I really had a strong ego around. I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to fix it. I thought I was going to fix him. I was like, I'm superwoman. I'm going to do this. I don't need help. And so for me, I found, I thought that being strong through this meant doing it on your own. And what I quickly learned was that all it was doing was keeping me stuck. It was actually hurting me so much more because I was internalizing. I was not well physically, besides the mental piece. Physically, I was starting to. My body was just shutting down. And so I knew that if I didn't ask for help, if I didn't start paying attention to the universe, sending me signs that something was going to give and I wasn't going to be able to take care of my kids. And ultimately, they were my inspiration. They were the reason that, I mean, I'm tearing up about this. They were my why. They were my why as to why I had to do something more. And so in that moment, I knew that it didn't matter how much it cost. It was enough of the free stuff. I was paying for therapy, but I was like, what else am I supposed to pay for here? How am I supposed to do this? And ultimately it was me continuing to listen to my gut, which that night ultimately woke me up too. And I think that we, a lot of times we question our intuition because we like to be in control and our minds take over. And a lot of what I teach my clients even now, is that it's not mind over body, it's body over mind. Your body has a physical reaction and then your mind creates the story. And so how is it that you change your story? And so it wasn't until I decided to shift, like I was saying, shifting your Perspective changing your story. Once I was willing to change my story, I was at a place finally where I was seeing that life got to look different and the baby steps are what add up to be more instead of thinking it had to be one big leap. Does that make sense?

It totally does. And you mentioned shame earlier. And I think that gets in a lot of people's way is having that shame. Even though you're making steps for change, it does come up and then regret. And I'm just curious how you were able to handle and work through that.

Oh, it was hard. The shame came in the form of, I think social media has created not so good things. Right. If you looked at my life on Facebook, you would have thought we were the happiest. Perfect married couple, perfect kids, always smiling in the pictures. But my God, the stress to get those perfect pictures. People post what they want you to see. Social media has allowed us to control the narrative of what we want people to think our life is like. And the shame piece was embarrassment that I was projecting, a total lie. We were not happy. We fought a lot. We were in therapy for two years. We were each in individual therapy as well at the same time. And I was depressed, I was anxious, I was angry, I was bitter, I was resentful. But that's not what people saw. And so for me, the shame came with that I was a liar, that I was now essentially having to put my cards out on the table and be like, yeah, we're broken. And one of my. Well, and I'll say this too, I'm the first person in my family to get divorced. There's shame in that. What are my parents gonna say? That's why it took me two weeks to tell my parents, because I was so terrified of what people were going to think of me. I thought everyone was going to blame me because my ex husband was so good at smoke and mirrors. And what's interesting is that so many people thought I was the reason everyone thought I cheated. When the truth came out years later, no joke, we kept it mum because I did not want my children to hear anything when it came out. Everyone was in shock. And so my shame was around thinking that everyone was going to blame me, that I was the reason I did something to break up our marriage. And so it played into my narrative of I'm a failure, I failed. I want my life to look like this. I worked really hard to make it look like this, and I failed. And so my mission really is to help normalize the conversation around divorce, to shift it from a conversation filled with shame to one of seeing it as power. I didn't see that in the beginning. And if I can say anything to anyone, it's that marriage takes two people. It takes two people and pointing a finger. You should be pointing two fingers because yes, my ex husband had an affair. That was his choice on how he chose to deal with the issues happening in our marriage. I had different choices. I picked fights. I was passive aggressive. I was a poor communicator. And I get to take responsibility for my choices. So the shame comes from believing that you're at least for me. And a lot of the clients that I also work with is from that narrative of I failed and I did something wrong instead of understanding that it takes two people.

Yeah. And so you're getting them to own the responsibility that they had in the past relationship without taking any blame. It's just owning your side of what happened.

Percent 100. Yeah.

And I like the way you worded that. You're taking responsibility for your choices.

Well, you have to. That's the piece that I think a lot of people shy away from is owning and taking responsibility. That's a part of my program that I teach because we're so afraid and we don't want to shine the light on the flaws or what we quote, unquote, did wrong. The narrative is around shifting your perspective into seeing it as neutral. Right. I look back and listen. I'm one of the rare people that has gone back to her ex husband and said, wow, I am so sorry for how I spoke to you and how I treated you. That was not okay. And I just want you to know I have learned so much and I'm not going to do that again. And the power that you give yourself in admitting and taking responsibility and owning it is so powerful. It is one of those things where you're just like, yeah, I am not going to do this again. And it's something that is so in the forefront of my consciousness. It's also why I waited so long to start dating. It's why I waited so long to really start opening my heart back up to allow somebody to come in. I didn't find. I just. I'm now in a committed relationship with an amazing man who I've been with for almost two and a half years. And he's my guy. And it took me four years to really work through the hard stuff to get there. And it was worth it. It was worth every step. But until you own up, you're just going to attract the Same person, and you're going to show up as the same person. So until you are willing to relearn the way I want to say it, is that what's no longer serving you, right? What you don't want to bring forward to your future, to your vision, to your next relationship, to your next job, to whatever it is, you have to own it. If you don't own it, how do you think you're going to change it? I was talking to a client last night and we were talking about this, which is that if you just keep sweeping the crumbs under the rug, the. The crumbs don't go anywhere. What they're going to attract are going to be mice or insects, Right. That are going to come into your home.

Right.

The crumbs are still going to be there. So why not just pull back the rug, look at the crumbs, and be like, yeah, I did that, and then throw them away. Let it go. Right? Release it. For some reason, we just, we have so much trouble with that because we think that there's something wrong with us, but we forget that there's power in seeing that you can change your destiny in. At any moment in time. The only time that really exists is the now. So what are you waiting for? Right?

Oh, totally. Yeah. I love that crumbs under the rug analogy. What it makes me think of is I work with the holistic coach and was divorced four years ago. And then I'm also in a committed relationship for the last two years. And it was funny because in this relationship, this is in my experience, but I'm sure you can relate is all these things keep coming up, right. And then she kept telling me, if you don't learn to speak up for your needs and what you want, this is going to keep coming back over and over again. And I think that really is the way that crumbs analogy is. What makes me think of is people don't realize you have to be able to first of all, understand what you need and want and your value. So then you're able to be in another relationship with another person and have them understand it as well.

Exactly. If you don't really look at yourself in the mirror. So many times we look in the mirror and we go, the belly fat, the stretch marks, the bags under my eyes. Yeah. And how about your gorgeous hair and your beautiful eyes and the gift of having two hands and two feet that carry you and take you places and enable you to, I don't know, make food, drive a car, text your friends we spend so much time in the lack mindset or in the negative, the what's wrong with me? Instead of really just embracing. Yeah. You know, but it's shifting the narrative and saying, well, yeah, I have stretch marks, but look at the two babies. I would take those stretch marks any day to have my two kids. Or you know what? The little belly flat. Well, you know what? Guess what? I've had two kids, and I'm in my late 40s, and I look amazing. And if I have a little extra around the middle, so be it. My body is strong. I work out every day. I take care of myself. Oh, well, right. So I think it all lends itself to just the narrative that you choose to have around that. And. And listen, I'm not saying that I am far from doing this on a daily basis where I don't have a single negative thought. We all do. We're human. I mean, welcome to being a human being on this earth. The difference is, is how long are you letting yourself stay there and are you shifting the conversation?

Right.

So it's like before, earlier this morning, I'm getting ready. I'm out of the shower, and I'm putting my makeup on, and I'm like, the bags. I'm like, where's my makeup? Right. Thank God there's makeup that you can cover your bags under your eyes. But it was like, I had the thought of, like, the bags under my eyes. Oh, wait, but I have something to cover that up.

Right.

So it's about being willing to shift your narrative, because if you're not, you're just going to continue to be in the negative. And honestly, negativity has a really strong vibration. I mean, think about when you walk in a room and you feel the ice. Right. Or you just feel energy. Right. You're putting that out there. If you choose to stay in a negative narrative versus if you choose the positive, think about walking into a room where there's nothing but fun and music and positivity. You're like, I want more of that. So ultimately, it's your choice. What do you want more of? And it's not that you can never go from one to the other. You absolutely can. You can always change. But it's how quickly you're able to make that shift. Or if you stay where you are.

Yeah, I love that. I love that. What do you want more of? And then I also really love that distinction of getting these tools. So then you get to realize, how long do I really want to stay here? So. Because what could have Taken a year or longer before, now you're able to do in a much shorter period of time.

A hundred percent. I mean, I don't know if you know this, Stacy, about my life, but. So my ex husband and I, six and a half years ago, separated. The day I asked for divorce was the same day that my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. And the reality of me losing two of my rocks in my life at some point was just devastating. And what I will tell you is that I was sort of double dipping in grief back then. And then my mom did pass away a year ago. And what my healing process taught me by going through my divorce was so instrumental to helping me to deal with my grief around losing my mom. And what it showed me was that the tools that I have, the tools that I teach, they work. When you allow yourself the opportunity to use them, you do shift faster. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was crying yesterday for a good 15 minutes. Just I had a moment. I was missing my mom really badly yesterday and I had my 15 minutes, but then I moved on. Right. So it's about allowing yourself to lean into whatever it is that's coming up. But if you don't have the tools, it's no wonder you're staying where you are. You've got to learn what works for you and practice it and get into the habit of it. I couldn't have gotten through the grief around losing my mom as quickly as I did had I not gotten the tools. When I went through losing my husband, losing my marriage, losing all the dreams, the financial security, I mean, you name it. There's so much more that you mourn in a divorce than when you're mourning a human. And I don't know if people listening are going to like me saying that, but I think having been through both, my divorce was so much harder. And yes, part of that is because I think with my divorce, it was harder because I was losing what I thought was financial security and my best friend and my partner and my dreams and my visions and all this stuff. And then losing my mom. Yeah, it was not fun. But at the same time, it was nowhere near the capacity because I had the tools. And it's so important that people understand. If, you know you need knee surgery, would you go to a general doctor and have them perform it? Or would you find the best darn knee surgeon out there in the world and go to that person? Right. Why is divorce any different? Why is any life transition any different? Why wouldn't you go to somebody who is the best and knows how to do this. It's interesting because you don't see the same principles or rules apply to mental health per se as you do for physical. So what I'm hoping and part of why I love talking about my story and how I've come through this is really just to show people that you get to also get your experts when you're going through these life transitions and get those proven to work tools. Get the best. The saying you kind of get what you pay for. It holds true. And it's the same thing if you're looking at different doctors to help cure you or to help relieve pain that you're going through. Yeah.

And what you're making me think is you mentioned the ego earlier and being able to drop that facade and being open to ask for help and vulnerable and be able to open up to different things. So I just think it's so powerful that you've gone through the experience and now you're able to help others through the experience, because I think there's a lot of people in the space that haven't been through it themselves, so they don't understand how hard each piece is. And when you were talking about divorce being that hard, I have thought that, too. And I think the other thing for me that happened, and I'm sure you've seen this with your clients, is any childhood wound that you have comes up again when you get divorced. And so you almost have to reheal all these things that come through.

Right. Well, and what's interesting is that, yes, and thank God if you were in therapy, Right. Your therapist kind of highlighted it to you, and then you're like, oh, God, here we go again. And one of the things that I think is so interesting is that you learn how that wound gets opened in these other areas of life. And the narrative we go through is like, God, I thought I did that. And then you think, oh, I did all this work. And. Right. And you're like, why did I do all this work? That was for nothing. Here we go again. And what I always tell my clients and a lot of what I talk about is it's not in any way that what you did before was a waste. It's that it's appearing again in a new way because you're not that same person. Right? So think about when that wound was exposed to you, however long ago. And then you're like, okay, well, now let's just say, oh, I discovered this wound two years ago, and here we go again. That wound just got reopened. It's not that the same wound got reopened. It's a new wound that is opening based on who it is that you are, that you learned about that wound. And it's almost like it's opening but in a new place where it's like, oh, okay, so I'm just gonna kind of take a step over. It's not that same path. I'm now taking a step over. And there's more work that I get to do to dig deeper into this. Right? It's not a for not. And that's why so many people stop doing the work. They'll go, well, that was a waste. Well, why did I bother? Well, never mind. When it's like, no, that's not how this works. We're humans, we're in constant transformation. Every level that you get to, every new level that you come up against, there's going to be a ceiling. And instead of being like, there's the ceiling and you see it as a floor, no, it's the next level that you're supposed to break through. So it's breaking through that ceiling to then see the next ceiling and the next ceiling again. It's all in your mindset. It's all in how you choose to see things. And I could have sat here and said, my God, I went through a seven month back to back. I mean, you want to talk about a total knockout in a seven month span. My ex husband got engaged, our divorce was finalized, he moved in with his fiance, they conceived a new child, they got married and they moved in together in seven months. And I could have sat there and been like, I did all this work, I'm a mess. Oh my God. But no, it's wow, thank God I did the work because imagine where I'd be had I not done it. Because I'm still, I'm back on the floor. And so thank God I did the work. Had I not done the work up until that point, I mean, I'm not kidding, I would have been institutionalized. It would have been really bad. And if I didn't give myself that credit and go, okay, something new to learn. Wendy, let's pick yourself up. Let's figure this out now. I mean, I would have disintegrated. And that's the lesson that I hope people are hearing.

I'm also wondering, so this is basically, we've been talking about the do the thing with divorce, right? Getting the courage because you could have chosen to stay and had dealt with the affair and you got the Courage to be able to say, this is enough, I'm done. And then things started to open up from there. So I was just wondering too, in terms of you finding your voice, you mentioned losing yourself in your marriage and then falling asleep at the wheel, which I think happens to so many people when they're married for a period of time. And I'm just wondering, how did you end up finding your voice and kind of reclaiming yourself?

Yeah, honestly, it was the moment. So I'll describe. I remember it to a T. I literally remember it like it was yesterday. It took me a year to throw the towel in on my marriage and to choose me. And really that was the day, the day I asked for divorce was the day I went, oh, that's what it sounds like. And so in that year, I had again kicked him out, started a new job, discovered the world of life coaching. Not only hired a coach and got myself certified, I started working out. I started reading a ton of books and educating myself around new interests that I was having. It wasn't just I wasn't reading self help books looking for answers. I was reading self help books because I was fascinated by topics. Brene Brown was my absolute muse during that time period because I was learning all these things that I never, these concepts that I never understood. And I was reading it and again, it was one of those things, why am I still stuck? Why am I still stuck? And it was when my ex husband and I were in our couples therapist office and it was the day of are we staying married or are we not staying married? And I remember walking into our therapist's office and I literally was like, if he says he wants to work on it, I'm all in. And my mindset around that was, I'm willing. We have two boys. We've been together for 23 years. I am not throwing in the towel. What I am interested in is I will say that I'm willing to work on our marriage based on who it is that I am now. I didn't really know what he had been up to. I didn't know what he was or wasn't doing with his time. Of course, I had people telling me their perspective or the gossip mill, right. And I didn't really know what he had done. And so that day I walked in going, I know he's going to say that he's going to want to work on this. And so what I'm going to say is, again, the party line, I'm willing to work on it too. Because I wanted to do that for my kids, not for me. Right. And I didn't know that at the time. And so we walk into the office and we sit down and our therapist is like, okay, so where are you guys at? And I decided to let him go first, which is not like me. And in that moment, something else took over and he was like, yeah, you know, I just. I don't know. I still don't know. I'm so confused. And I. I mean, it was like an out of body experience. Stacy. All of a sudden I just had this moment of complete clarity where everything just clicked and inside of me when it was that intuition again in the form of a two by four, but with volume. And I opened my mouth and I said, I know what I want and it's not you. I want a divorce and I'm leaving. It was like an out of body experience. All of a sudden I walked out of the office, I walked to my car and I looked in my mirror of my visor and I went, what the hell just happened? What did I just do? And I started crying. And I wasn't crying because I was scared or sad. I was crying because I knew what my voice sounded like. And I knew in that moment that I finally spoke my truth instead of speaking what other people expected of me. And it was so empowering. And that's what I want for so many other people, because I haven't shut up since. And good and bad. Right. Neutral. But it was that moment where it's almost like my guardian angels just swooped in and said, we got you. Right. You see players being escorted off the football field, being held, and that's really how I felt. And it wasn't because I needed to put my weight on them. It was because they were holding my hand and they were walking with me, and I've never turned back. That was the moment. And six years later, I'm still tearing up about it because it was so powerful. And that's what I want other people to feel. It is unlike anything you can experience when you realize what your voice sounds like, especially when you haven't heard it for 40 years.

Yeah, it's just a. It's a whole nother experience for you to really figure out what's true for you and then to be able to. To follow that.

Yes.

What advice do you have for people that are listening that want to find their voice in that way?

Oh, the biggest piece of advice that I can say is that the first step, honestly, is realizing that you lost it. You can't find something until you realize that it's been lost or that you gave it away or that you've allowed others to use it for you. That's number one. Number two is in finding your voice, a lot of it is the process of really that rediscovery is knowing what your northern compass is. And the way that educationally I can say this is knowing your values, right? And your values. I didn't know what my values were. Right. When you feel dissonance in your body, when something just doesn't feel right and you go, this just doesn't feel right. Neither you agree with it or you don't. I didn't know what to use as my barometer of what felt good or not. My barometer was my ex husband. And so what I had to learn was, what are my values? What makes me tick? What is my ride or die? And what I came to learn in finding my voice was learning what my values were and setting boundaries around them and trusting that that was my truth. My top two values, you know, big surprise, right? Honesty and respect. At the time when I was going through my divorce, and here I was in a marriage with a man who was lying behind my back and disrespecting me. And so once I knew, it's getting underneath the fear and it's getting underneath the anger and really understanding, what am I afraid of? Why am I so angry? And ultimately it was because my narrative was I wasn't chosen, but ultimately it was that I was disrespected. And I let it happen. I let it happen. And so taking ownership of that and standing in the power of what felt good to me and setting boundaries with the people in my life around, that is ultimately how I was able to find myself. And honestly, that's exactly how I teach it.

And now we're moving to your number one piece of advice for people on doing the thing. And doing the thing could be anything in this context. It could be leaving a marriage, it could be starting a new relationship, starting a business. Really, anything that people want to either move away from or move towards.

Yeah, I love this question. Such a good question. What I would say is to ask yourself this question, what are the facts about what it is that you want to do? Facts are not assumptions. Facts are not stories. Facts are not lies. Right? So ask yourself, in order to do the thing, what are the facts that you have that are going to help you take that leap? Because you won't if you believe the assumptions, if you believe the stories, if you believe the lies. So get clear on what your facts are and do it anyway.

Can you share an example for people that are visual?

Sure. So, for example, I'll give an example from my own experience. Right. Doing the thing for me, yes, was my divorce. But then ultimately I had another do the thing, which was to leave a 20 year career that I had invested so much of my time in. And it was a matter of do I leave? Do I find a new job in the same field or do I take a leap of faith and start my own business? And as I was deciding what was best for me, the facts about me leaving were this. I have always, always exceeded any expectation that I've ever set out for myself. So when I bet on me, I always win. That is a fact. A fact is that if I took the leap and it didn't work, I could always go back and find something versus a story. Well, why would you leave your six figure paycheck? You're not gonna, you know, you're never gonna make that again, Wendy. Another story that I put into my head around leaving corporate was, well, if you screw up, you're never gonna get back in. You're not gonna get back in the door. If you leave once you're out for at least six months, you're never gonna come back. What do you think's gonna happen in two years? And you're gonna be a grandma by. The industry I worked in was a very, very young. It was a digital ad space. Very, very young. And I had this whole story around. I was a grandma in my field and no one would hire me again if I did this. Does that help in answering that question?

Oh, a hundred percent. And I'm seeing a quotable that you have to do today, which is the when I bet on me, I always win. Oh my gosh, that's so good. Thank you. Yeah.

And it's the truth. And I'll tell you too, it was interesting. I remember when, I don't know why I picked up the phone and called my ex husband, but I did. And there was a moment in time where I picked up the phone and it wasn't because I was looking for his approval. It was more of I needed to say it out loud to believe it for myself. And why I chose him, I don't know. But I did. And this was also after a lot of healing had come. And I remember picking up the phone and talking to him about another new leap that I was taking. Not the one to start my own business, but it was something else. And I remember saying to him, God, I. I just. I really. I'm feeling the urge to do this, and I think that this is the right call for me. And he literally said to me, I just had to say it out loud. And then he said back to me. He goes, wendy, he goes, I don't think I've ever seen you do something that you haven't been the best at. And in that moment, I was like, well, okay, let's be real. In that moment, I was like, oh, you're just feeding me what I want to say, because that's who he is. At least that's who I painted him to be.

Right?

And then once, I was like, no, Wendy, just take the compliment. Stop. You know, again, fact or fiction, right? Just take the compliment. And I just said to him, I was like, thank you for saying that about me. And again, it wasn't that I needed the external validation. It was that I needed to hear myself say it out loud to somebody who knew me. And I didn't want to be talked out of it. I didn't want to be talked into it. I just wanted someone to witness. That's the word. I wanted a witness to it. And so when he said that to me, I was like, yeah, oh, my God. That's the perfect way to say it. Right. And so my version of what he said is really, there's never been a time where I haven't betten myself and I didn't win. And the analogy I have for that is, I would bet me in a horse race any day, like, to win and be that front runner. That's just who I am. Yeah.

And that's you knowing your value. Not even just your values, but you know, what your worth is, which. That's following you everywhere now.

Yes, 100%. Well, I'd love you to share for.

The listeners where they can learn about you, to get on your podcast, your coaching, because anyone listening. The reason why I really wanted to bring Wendy on is because when you're going through a divorce, and this is. I mean, if you. If you're not going through a divorce and you're happily married, you could still get, obviously, so much wisdom from this. But if you are going through a divorce or you've been divorced, it is so isolating and numbing. And to have someone help you walk through that and creative, a supportive environment with accountability and a group of people that are walking the same path as you, it's beyond anything. And so I know it's something I wish I had had when I was going through mine. And so I just think this idea of providing resources for people when they're walking through hard things and finding people that are experts in doing that are so important. So I'd love you to share how people can learn about you and be able to work with you directly.

Yeah, and thank you for having me. I encourage your listeners to Divorce was my life transition. It can really be anything. And my married friends tell me all the time that they love listening to my podcast because I actually help them with issues that they're having in their marriages. So my topics lend themselves to married couples as well. My podcast is called the Divorced Woman's Guide and it's is on any and every podcast platform out there. I also have a YouTube channel. I also have a book coming out that's called Divorce Sucks now what? So that book will be out on February 12 and the website is exactly the book title. Divorce Sex now what? Where you guys can get a ton of free resources that I offer just on various topics. So many times necessarily know what you need, but when you see it, you're like, oh yeah, that would be really helpful. You can also follow me on social media. Divorce Rehab with Wendy is my handle across Instagram, Facebook and TikTok. If anyone's on TikTok, I'm there too. And I so appreciate the platform that you've given me today to hopefully inspire your listeners to do whatever the thing is for them in the same way that that I have. So thanks for having me.

Stacy. Yeah, thank you. I really have appreciated having you on and being so vulnerable and able to share really just all sides of your story. I really appreciate it.

You're so welcome. Thanks again.

Thanks for listening to the do the Thing podcast. We hope you enjoyed the show, but even more, we hope you'll be inspired to do the thing. Do you have a burning question on doing the thing that you'd like answered? How about an inspiring do the Thing story of your own that you'd like to share? We'd love to hear all the all about it. Just leave us a voice message at dothothing callcast. Co or email us at hello at dothethingpodcast. Com.