Episode 199 - Kim On Discomfort To Confidence, Embracing Every Dare In The Start A Book Challenge!

Hey, everyone. Welcome to the do the thing podcast. This is your host, Stacey Lauren. Oh, my gosh, you guys, I'm so excited. We have our first celebration interview that we're doing for the do the thing start a book challenge. And I love this challenge because it started totally by accident where we were in the middle of a find your voice challenge. And one of the dares was, if you were going to write a book, what book would you write? And so many people had so much amazing things to say about the book they would write that one of our community members had stepped up and said she would love to host a challenge for starting a book. And so that's how the start a book challenge pretty much was born. And so we ended up hosting that challenge together. And then one of the community members, Kim, who's here with me right now, she was a shining star throughout the challenge. She did the dares like wildfire, even more than we even expected. Right away, she was posting pictures of things that she had already done where there were certain things we put in the group that I thought would be more in the future, and it was literally the same day I would see the results. So she is the epitome of do the thing. And so, anyway, I'm so excited to get a chance to talk to her about how the challenge was for her and pretty much any feedback that she has to make things better. And then also just how she's going to be able to take this challenge, to be able to help her with her book, and then also what else might have come from it in her life. So I am excited to welcome Kim to the show. Hey, Kim.

Hi, Stacy. Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here.

I'm excited to be here, and I am loving your do the thing shirt right now. For anyone listening, Kim has on this gorgeous purple do the thing shirt, and it's just a total representation of really how you attack the challenge.

Absolutely.

I'd love to just start off in here because you started with this challenge. So I'd love to just start off in here why you decided to join the challenge and kind of what that process was like for you.

So I'm 52 years old, and I've had a lot of crazy, crazy shit like most of us do right in life. And I've always said, one day, one day I'm going to write a book. And the Monday that this challenge kicked off, something came up about it on my Facebook page. I don't know why. I'm a big believer that things that are meant for you, come to you at the right time. And I saw it. I immediately hit the link, signed up, and I was on the call that night. And yeah, it was the kick in the ass that I needed. And overall, it's been one of the best experiences of my life. And that's not to say that it hasn't stirred up some crap that I don't necessarily enjoy rehashing, but it's amazing how where I am right now in my life, bringing all that up again, it's so freeing and cathartic. So, yeah, I'm just. Stacy, this challenge could not have come at a better time for me.

Yeah, I love hearing that because I think so many people will see someone at the end of something that they want to do and they just think it was easy for the person, but they don't realize how sometimes, almost like how this challenge started by accident, almost. You getting into this book was by accident because you saw it on your Facebook and then all of a sudden you joined and now the process has been started where these thoughts are coming out of your head, going onto the page and you're almost getting re. I don't want to use the word healed yet, but it's a healing process, right? Is what you're starting to see from that cathartic method?

Yep, absolutely. It's just I'm a very. During the week, I'm a very, very busy person. It's work, work, work, work, work. I'm fortunate enough that I work for a company where I work from home, but trying to make the time to do the challenges, it was like I originally said, okay, I'm going to do it every day at this time. And it just didn't work that way. Life got in the way, but I always made sure that I got them done until. Until you dared me to go to a Shut up and Write meeting. Once I took that dare and I went to that meeting, that was it. I couldn't do any more dares because when I wasn't working or sleeping, I was writing.

And I loved hearing that because so everyone listening. So Shut up and Write is a organization that's international and they have locations all over the world. Where not even locations, but they have these pop up events, weekly meetups that people that want to write books are getting together. And so we had partnered with Rennie, the founder of the organization, to help facilitate the do the Thing members to be able to go to a Shut up and Write meetup or they could go to one online. And my thought behind that was exactly what you lived. And so that's what I loved. Because this was only a 14 day challenge. Right. It's not enough time to write a book, but 14 days in the middle of doing life too. It's definitely why it was called start a book and not write a book. And so that was my thought, was getting you connected to something like that. So then you see the possibility of being able to connect with other people that want the same thing as you. And I love that. You totally got that. You connected it and then now you're doing it.

Absolutely. Thursday was my second meeting. And the two facilitators are fabulous women. One is a school teacher who has been working on a book for about 10 years. The other facilitator has already had one published. They tend to write light murder mysteries. And then there's another woman who's on her third book. Another woman is writing a how to do your bathroom remodel. And then this week there were two new people that I hadn't met before. One's new to the group, but one's been there before. They're both writing screenplays. So it was really cool because we meet at a restaurant called La Madeleine and it's a little French bakery type place and they have a little private room and as long as everybody buys something, they don't charge, so that's cool. But we get there, everybody goes around the room, introduces themselves, and then the facilitator says, I love you, but shut up and write. And we write. Depending upon how quickly we get started, usually it's at least an hour, sometimes a little bit more. Granted, I've only been to two, but after we write, they also do a really cool exercise where they have these cards and I'll have to. I'll have to get more information on them for you and I'll email it to you. But the cards have a message on them and they're related to the four categories of authors or the four things in your head of authors. Like there's the judge, the creator. I can't remember the other two. But anyways, it's sparks more conversation related to what you're working on. And everybody just, you're interacting, you're feeding off of one another. I need a comment on how while I was in this challenge doing the dares, getting on a camera and talking about My Dear was so easy writing. I set time aside. But I wasn't as productive as I've been these past two Thursday nights. And one of the women said to me, maybe because it's your house. Your house where none of this shit that happened. It wasn't your house then. So maybe you don't want to Jade or Sully the energy in that house. And I'm like, that could be it. Because I come here and 15 pages in an hour. Are you kidding me? It's amazing.

And there's also something about the being with other people that are doing the same thing as you and that energy that you get from that process and knowing that they all want the same thing, too. And for anyone listening, whether you want to start a book or you want to do something else, this is literally one of the biggest keys to being able to do the thing. It's whatever your thing is. If it's losing weight, if it's starting a business, if it's writing a book, starting a podcast, dating, it's getting around other people that want the same thing as you. Because then you're with people where you can feel the connectedness and you could feel that belonging and the ideas and the generation. All these things that you said, there's a power behind that. And I think that's why I love that piece of the formula, my people, is because it really just elevates everything to another level, and it almost continues the momentum. So you can keep going.

Absolutely.

So I would love to hear, because you took that dare, there were some people in the group that said, oh, I couldn't find one. I'm not going to go, or something. And then there's other people that did the online one, but they didn't go to the physical one, even though there were physical ones. What got you when you saw the dare to immediately go, because you did it the same day? I think to immediately go online, find the location, and then actually go. Because there's all these steps, these decision points in the process that you could have said, oh, I'm not feeling like it, or I'll do it next week, but you went the same day.

So what I've learned about myself over these past 11 years since my divorce is that I'm very much a people person. I will chat up anybody. I'll be in the grocery store. If I hear somebody who has a Boston accent like me, it's like, shoom, I'm right over there and I'm talking to them. So I love being around people. I love meeting new people, and I like doing things that are outside of what I normally would do. And there were several groups of shut up and write in the Phoenix area. I live about 20 miles southwest of Phoenix. So it's pretty much a small town. So there was no shut up. And right there the closest one I found was 25 miles away, which no big deal. I love to drive, I love my car. But the great thing about it was it is at 5:30 on a weeknight so I could make that work. The other two that I found or during the day, like 10:30 in the morning, I can't do that. What I was surprised by was that there weren't any on weekends. And I think as I continue to go to these shut up and writes, I love it that much. Granted, I've been to looking forward to this Thursdays. I will continue to go. I'm hopeful that maybe I'll find others that want to create a group down by where I live and maybe I'll be a facilitator for that.

And so you're really bringing up a really good point. And what I love about the challenges by you getting the dare and you going to the shut up and write, you've seen the benefits of how that's able to help you do the thing. Now all these other things are expanding. You've met these other new people that are writing different things. I wouldn't even thought someone would be writing a screenplay and all these different kinds of books. You're learning the thing you're talking about in your head with the judge and how to open up different portals in your brain. And then now you're even thinking about maybe co hosting a future one which then leads into all other things. And I think I just wanted to spend a second here because you just never know what's going to happen for you when you say yes to something. First you said yes to the challenge, then you said yes to the dare. And now by you doing it, you're following in this path of who knows where it's going to lead. But that's the exciting part about it.

Absolutely. There was a long period of time where my life consisted of getting up every day, going to work, coming home, change it into the comfy clothes, cleaning the face of the makeup, eating something and sitting on the couch watching tv. And it was even like that on weekends. I have three adult kids. All three of them were on their own up until this past summer. My son moved back home. My oldest has had a baby. So now I have a granddaughter. And in the past two years my kids are like, seriously mom, where are you going now? What are you doing now? My daughter will call me last minute and be like, hey, can you take Care of Oakland. And I'm like, sorry, I have plans. So my life has changed so much. But even though my life has changed for the better, I'm still open to new things, and I'm saying yes to new things, and I'm loving it. A couple weeks ago, two of my girlfriends and I, we found a little art gallery down in a town next to us. I don't. Typically, I'm not that type of person, but this author, she does portraits of dead songwriters and poets. Her favorite artist is Prince. So I'm like, okay, girls, we gotta go. And this art gallery used to be a house. They converted it. Every couple months, there's. There's a new exhibit. So, anyways, we go to this exhibit. I went up to the artist, we started talking. She's actually going to start on a piece, a portrait of Taylor Hawkins, the drummer from Foo Fighters who passed away a year ago. I believe it was yesterday. So, anyway, she's working on that for me. So it's just say yes to everything is. Is my message. Do the thing. Yeah.

I mean, you're making me think of a new challenge, because I think until someone has said yes to something and then seeing how that opens up all these possibilities you didn't know was possible, it's hard to really know what to expect, how good it is. And I think what you said. I'm so glad you said that, Kim, because that idea, I think a lot of us went into that trap of, like, going to work and then coming home and then going in front of the TV and then taking the makeup off and that, the whole cycle, day after day. And then when you have. It's like the feather, the brick or the semi truck comes to change something, and for you, it sounds like it was the divorce. And so then all of a sudden, you're like, wait, who am I? What's happening? What do I want? You're starting to open that up. And then. I'm sure it took time, but once you started saying yes, you started to see how these new things could open for you.

The divorce was in 11. I didn't start making a better life for myself until, like, 2019. I sat in that turmoil and depression for eight years, and it's like, what the hell? I'm never gonna get those eight years back. But that's okay. I ain't going back there. I'm gonna continue to go forward.

When you. In 2019, what do you think made a change for you? How did you finally wake up to be able to start saying yes?

So Funny thing, I had gotten a lease renewal on one of my apartments and they upped my rent like 300 bucks. And I was like, this is insane. And my two youngest were still living with me. So a three bedroom, two bath apartment was more than a mortgage payment. So I was like, all right. I didn't think that I was quite ready to buy a house. I didn't think my finances and my credit were where they needed to be. So it was Super Bowl Sunday and I started looking at Zillow and I found a house to rent that was way cheaper than the apartment. So I called. Well, the owner of the house was a mortgage broker, so we're chatting. Incidentally, he's a Patriots fan too. Born and bred back east, just like me. So we got to talking and he said, listen, Kim, he's like, I don't think you should rent anything. He's like, come to my office tomorrow. We're going to run numbers. So my Patriots won the super bowl on the Sunday. Monday after work, I went to John's office, we ran numbers, and lo and behold, I was pre qualified. So I started looking for a house and I wanted to stay in the area in Arizona where I've lived since 1996. But it's wicked, wicked expensive. So I ended up going 20 miles southwest and I found a lovely three bedroom with a garage and a pool and single story. It was all the things I wanted. So I did that. And as I was planning my move down there, I got on the Facebook pages for that particular town and this woman had posted about what she was doing, a thing called a women's circle. So I was like, all right, let's go. So I went to that meeting and I met some fabulous women, four of whom I go out with frequently. And it just, you strike that match one thing and it just leads, like you were saying before, it just leads to something else and something else and something else. So now I have all these phenomenal women in my life that are in different phases of their lives. Yeah, I'm single, but a lot of my friends are married. A lot of my friends are divorced. A lot of my friends have decided they're going to play for the other team. It's just living a full life once again. Yeah.

And I love the fact that you said the woman's circle is kind of what helped connect the dots for you because we're talking about, again, my people, right, from the do the thing formula. And it's showing just how important that is for you to get connected to people. That want the same thing as you, because that's where you no longer feel alone. And I think when you no longer feel alone, then you get that support that you need to be able to push forward into the abundance of the things that you want.

Absolutely. And that sense of community is so important. And I don't want people to think it's a situation where you're with your people and it's like, woe is me. It's not like that at all. It's like you're sharing the good and the bad, and you're encouraging each other to just, in this particular instance, do the thing. And I can't wait to go see my girlfriends tomorrow. We're having breakfast for one of their birthdays, and I haven't seen anybody in two weeks, and I haven't shared what I've been doing, so I can't wait. I'm almost bummed that I wore this shirt today. I may wash it tonight so I can wear it again tomorrow.

I'd love to hear, too. Speaking of that, when you first started, you started doing the thing because you immediately did your pledge card. You immediately started doing videos because with the dares for people listening, we give people options. Either they could post that they did the dare, they could post a video about the dare and audio, or just the text. So I try to meet people where they are, and I'm just really curious because I think it's so easy to sign up for something, say something looks cool, and then to just say to watch and not do anything. But you, from the very beginning, just really went for it. And I'm just wondering, how did you get yourself to do that? Or was it something motivated by why you were wanting to write the book, or was there something screaming in you that made you be able to follow through with those steps?

That's a really interesting question, because I think that prior to all these changes that I've made since 2019, I may have seen the thing on Facebook and I may have been like, yeah, let me go ahead and do that. And then the day of, I would have been like, yep, nope, I don't feel like doing that. And over these past three and a half years, it's been, when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. And it's not necessarily to honor the commitment to anybody else. It's honoring that commitment to me. Because I realized for a big part of my life, I did things that I might not have wanted to do for everybody else, just to please everybody else. And make everybody else's life easier. And I've now understood that saying that goes something to the effect of, if mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. I grew up in a time where you were encouraged to do for everybody else and put yourself last. And that's so wrong. That's so, so wrong. We have to put ourselves first. Because if we don't put ourselves first, experience a couple things happen. You become resentful, you become depressed, you lose yourself. And I'm not doing that anymore.

I'm so glad you're sharing this, because I did a whole. I don't know if you listened to it yet, but it's a whole episode with Dr. Nancy DeAndrade about people pleasing. I'll have to send it to you, but I think it's great to hear you say it, too, because that was me also. And it's like you think you're doing right by everyone by wanting to please them. But what you don't realize, the things that you said really hit home, because that's what you don't realize is you're becoming that even though you might not be saying it, your body's feeling it. And then the other people that you're in connection with can feel it. And even though you're not saying it out loud. And I don't think people understand how important it is to be able to take that time to resource yourself and to, like you said, even when you mentioned, like, your daughter, was it your daughter? And it's like, no, I'm actually. I've got plans that day where in the past, you might have canceled your plans and worked all around it, but you realize that's not going to help anyone. You're going to be the best version of what they need from you. When you're honoring, like you said, your commitment to yourself. I just think there's so much power in what you said.

I think I said this in one of the DARE interviews. I am nowhere near done with all the improvements that I'm making, but I honestly have never been happier. And, I mean, there is some relationship bullshit over here. I met a guy back in 2012. It's been a complete and utter roller coaster. I don't see us ever being. I think we could be just because of different things, but we're meeting each other where we are, but it upsets my kids. And it's like, you know what? I'm an adult. I'm going to do what I want when I want to. And all right, you're not Fans of his. And that's fine. You don't have to be. You don't have to see him or anything. But I have a wonderful time with him. And I go through different periods where I'm like a sane person. That's what I say to myself. A sane person would shut the door and keep the effing door closed. But it's a connection that I can't let go of. And I feel as though if I'm able to voice all of the reasons why and I can accept it and be okay with it, then it's nobody's fucking business.

And it sounds like you're learning about yourself through this relationship. And regardless of what ends up happening with it, you're enjoying your time. You're learning yourself. And you're also able to speak up for what your needs are, which is also a muscle that's being practiced, too.

Is he. Although our relationship isn't what I want it to be in a traditional sense, he is one of my biggest cheerleaders in everything that I do. I mean, I love him. I'm going to meet somebody for coffee today because I want more. And he And I can't be what I want more of. So it is what it is.

I would love to hear about your book. Can you share what your book's about?

Absolutely. So the summer I was turning 19, I met a guy. Up until that point, I never imagined myself getting married or having children. So within six months, we were living together, we were engaged, we were in the middle of planning our wedding, had a guest list of 500 people, and I got pregnant. So for me, that was a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm not religious, had no desire to get married by the Catholic church, but was doing it for everybody else. Found out I was pregnant. Getting married by just the peace. We were together for 23 years, married for 19. In 2006, he cheated, got somebody pregnant. I stayed. In 2009, I almost ended it again, but I stayed. The following month, he got diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. So in that moment, it was like, fuck, I'm stuck with him for the rest of my life. How can he leave somebody who has a disease? And then two weeks before Christmas, I found some texts or some, I should say, sex scxts between him and a girl that he dated before me. Mind you, we met the summer we were turning 19. So seriously, okay, So I try and get through the holidays. I trying to get through things. March rolls around, he says to me, my mom's sick. I need to Go home like, oh, okay. Inner voice telling me there's a problem, There's a problem. Dropped him off at the airport, went home, hacked his Facebook, found messages in Facebook messenger happening live between him and the girl he was sexting. Long story short, she flew from Florida to Boston. They were planning to spend two weeks together. I lost my shit that weekend. In the moment I didn't realize I was losing my shit. Made some moves, Drained both checking and savings account, lined up an apartment. I was leaving the Monday I was driving to work and I hadn't had much sleep that weekend. And I was on the freeway making the curve onto another freeway, and I was thinking to myself, man, I just need my. I need the voices and everything in my head to be quiet. And I thought, oh, if I just keep driving straight. Quickly put that thought out of my mind. Went to work, worked a half day, went home, proceeded to take nap and then saw pill bottles. Long story short, I OD'd. Was on life support for three and a half weeks. But that was the kick in the fucking ass I needed to end that relationship. So my book is gonna start from that place.

There's so much in that where, I mean, so many people go through that, where in different experiences, right, where you think you have to stay and then there's all these things that happen, and then you stay and you stay and you stay and then you could get to that point because you're suffering for so long and suppressing and so the fact that you're number one, able to then show kind of what came from that and then the moment after, right, because it's the moment after what people don't know what to navigate. That's the fear of uncertainty of what's going to happen when. And I think that power of you being able to write, that one could be healing right through going through it. And then also someone will read it and be able to not feel alone.

Absolutely. And I kind of go back to conversation we're having a little bit ago about selfishness. How many of us think that by putting others first, that's the right thing to do. And for me, I was from a broken home. I didn't want that for my three kids. I was determined that wasn't going to happen. And the very first night that me and the kids were in our first apartment, the 10 year old, my son, God love him, he says, mom, what the hell took us so long? And it was in that moment where I was like, oh my God, they being 10, 14, and 18, they had so Much more clarity around the situation than I did. And looking back, it rips my heart because, yeah, I was in a bad place. It was terrible. But what I put them through in order to get to the good part, the other side, it just. It kills me. But they're adults now. We've always been very open and honest. My kids probably share way too much with me. I may be guilty of over sharing with them, but we know that no matter what happens, the four of us got each other. No matter what, no matter what anybody does, whether we get angry at them or we disapprove of what they do, we got each other. So beautiful.

Do you have a name for the book yet?

Yes. And you're gonna have to remind me because you helped me come up with the title and we actually did the. Oh, that's right. Mock up of the COVID Right.

The name of the book is Returning who I Used to Be. Right.

Returning to who I Was Meant To Be.

Returning to who. So the name of the book is Returning to who I Was Meant To Be.

Comes from. Like I said, when I met him, I was obviously, I was young. What the hell do we know? At 18 and 19 years old. But looking back, imagined being married or having children. And so now I'm getting back to what my life should have been with the added bonus, though, of having three fabulous kids, a granddaughter, a bonus granddaughter, and another grandchild on the way in October.

So, yeah, and the reflection of what you want and the clarity behind it, too. I'd love to hear what you feel like you learned about. What did you learn during this challenge about yourself?

That if you want to do something, don't be afraid, don't make excuses, push through everything and just freaking do it. Just do it. And the thing is, you may come up with an idea. Okay, I'm going to do this. You don't have to have it finished tomorrow. You just keep working on it and working on it and. And as we've been talking about steady C, with each thing you do, it's kind of the catalyst for the next thing. So just embrace it and don't be rigid in what you think it should be or look like. That's all I got.

I'd love to also hear you give advice to someone who's thinking about doing a do the thing challenge. And what would you say to them about when they're in that moment of should I do it? Should I not? Or maybe they signed up and they're kind of in that teeter totting of wanting to do all the steps that we give them.

Hey, no matter what, push through and embrace it and do it because it's when we are uncomfortable and don't think that we can do something that we grow the most. And that's what life in my mind is all about. Learning and growing and doing and trying new things and. All right, so you tried it. It's not for you. Okay. At least you tried it.

And what would you say would be your number one piece of advice for people on doing the thing again?

Don't limit yourself. Don't allow the voices in your head that are giving you the million and one reasons why you can't. Oh, you work, you have kids, you have this obligation. You belong to this club. You do that. No, no. These challenges, or I should say, these dares. Well, first off, the challenge, it was 14 days. The dares, many of them took me more than 20 to 30 minutes to do a day. So you can always make time. And you should make time. If it's something that piques your interest in the little, littlest bit, find the time and just do it.

Well, I am just so happy that we got a chance to do this. And I appreciate you coming in as a brand new member, coming into a community that's existing and for you to really just show your fullest self because that opens up the space for other people to be able to really show their full selves too. And so I do appreciate you because I could set all this up and then people couldn't do it, and then it wouldn't be the same. So you're where the magic is, is by being able to participate and contribute in the way that you did.

Thank you so much for those kind words. And I thank you so much for putting this challenge out there. And I don't know how you promoted it, but it, like I said, it showed up on my Facebook that day and what's 14 days it's been since? And I'm just like, damn, the things I've done.

And then if people want to follow along with you and see your book eventually out there, do you have any place they can kind of follow along.

With your story at this point? No, because I'm intending on when it's done. If I do at that point make the final decision to publish, I'm going to do it under a pseudonym only because my kids right me, you can tell I'm an open book. I let it all out. Right. But I have to respect my kids as well as my mom, so. But when I do decide I will certainly let you know. And I will come to you for advice as well as Pamela on advice on how to promote it.

Awesome. And thank you so much. And for the listeners, thank you for joining us on the do the Thing podcast. And go out there and do the thing. Do what makes you happy, do what makes you feel alive, and just get out there and start.