Episode 29 - Kate MIddleton Authentic Relating: Get In Touch With Your Desire, Passion, And Truth

I do really believe 100% from every part of me that everyone has the capacity to be able to do the things that they want and not to be held back by the mental baggage that's in our head that we want to push through.

Welcome to the do the Thing podcast. In each episode, we get down and personal with people who go after the things they want to make all their wildest dreams come true. Join us as we unveil and dissect a formula for what it takes to do the thing. Here is your host, Stacy Lauren.

Hey everyone. Welcome to the do the Thing podcast. This is Stacy Lauren. Do you ever struggle to move between activities on this episode? I was having a real life moment needing to do this, and I really needed to recenter myself. I could have ignored the signs and gone about my day, but doing so would have negatively affected everything else on my schedule. The good news was I had a scheduled podcast interview with today's guest and I thought this real life moment would be such a great way to show you a way to transition between activities. I wasn't even sure if I was going to use this on the podcast, but I felt like the lesson was so valuable I couldn't resist to share it. I recently interviewed today's guest on a previous show. If you missed that one, I highly recommend that you give it a listen. To bring more context to today's activity, we open this episode a little bit differently. You'll get to hear her as she helps me identify my intention and bring all the awareness back into myself. And I love how much more grounded and centered I feel when she finishes. During this episode, we also explore the importance of creating genuine connections through authentic relating. Too many people get stuck in the past or future instead of living in the present. Doing so keeps us from ever experiencing moment to moment connections. It fascinates me how authentic relating transforms how you converse with everyone you've run across in life, whether on a romantic, personal or professional level. Okay, here we go. Welcoming back Kate Middleton to the show. Hi Kate, how are you?

Oh, I'm pretty good. I'm on a little. I'm just taking a quick break from this somatic training I'm assisting, so I'm like on zoom a lot right now.

Oh, gotcha. Well, actually that's cool. I was thinking that's why I hit record right now because my boyfriend's in the process of leaving for the day. We just had a great two days together and I thought, and I don't know if I'll have this on the podcast. Or I'll edit it out. But I was thinking it would be cool to do this transition from me going from this one activity to now going into another activity. If you're like, we could just do a quick little two minute thing together.

Let's do it. All right. Yeah. So as a starting place, if you were to attune to your own awareness, where do you think your energy is right now? Or your awareness, like in what direction is it towards your boyfriend packing the bag or the front door or somewhere else? Like, can you identify the location of your attention right now?

It's funny, it's actually more just on. My heart is like pounding. It's like pounding. Which is weird because that normally does not happen where I'm feeling it in the body. But that's kind of where I'm like. Just because I was rushing around and wanting to, you know, be here on you for you and then be in this moment. And he just left. So we're good.

But yeah, but just so. So maybe now it's on that door. Oh, now he's locking the door. And my dog didn't bark, so I was like, oh, is the dog going to bark kind of a thing. So, so, yeah. So it's funny, it went from my chest because I'm like out of breath and then wondering if, yeah, my dog's going to bark. And then hearing the door just like lock kind of a thing.

Okay, okay. So it sounds like it's kind of moving in here to out there. And so how about we play with this just for a moment, tracking how your attention is shifting from your heartbeat and then to your boyfriend, the door, your dog.

As if you could follow the direction of your attention.

And then gently start to steer it inwards so it's not an abrupt out to in. It's a slow titration of out there, around the door, around the dog, to turning back in closer and closer to yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah. And you might be able to bring it in to the space behind you.

And the space on either side of you.

The space in front of you.

Eventually bringing your awareness all the way in to land on your skin, on the whole surface of your body.

The skin, your face.

In the back of.

Your neck.

Skin on your hands.

And your feet.

And then inviting your awareness in.

Layer.

By layer, a little deeper into the inner terrain of your body.

As if you could sink back in to yourself.

It's unbelievable to me how you can just take. I'm like totally re. You know, re centered. It's so, so unbelievable how Just like something which I don't know how long that just was, but it really, it really works. You know what I mean?

It's so crazy to me. Yeah. Thank you.

That was good.

And if you guys are listening, don't do that in the car while you're driving, but feel free to play it back.

And.

Okay. So for those of you that got to hear Kate on her other episode, she did an amazing job explaining pretty much kind of what we just did, Somatic therapy and how to connect back to your body and be able to really do things out of alignment from yourself. So then when you want to like be on conversation or do things, you're doing it from a place of alignment and coming from inside of you. And so I did ask Kate to come back on because I actually noticed through more interviews I think I've done since our last. Since Kate and I did an interview, I think I've done like at least 10 more interviews. And another piece to the formula that keeps coming up is surrounding yourself around like minded people. And I had listened to a podcast episode Aubrey Marcus did. I don't know if you guys are familiar with him, but he's. I love his podcast and he did one on circling. And circling is another form of authentic relating. And it just, all of a sudden it just had me think, oh my gosh, I have to have Kate back on. Because we did a lot of the somatic therapy piece, but we did not do as much authentic relating. And in order to really surround yourself with like minded people, you've got to get past the superficial level because if you don't, you're just stuck in that how old are your kids and where do you live and where do you travel kind of a thing. You're not getting like deeper. And so it's hard to really, to really see if you guys are on the same level. And there's so many things that I love about authentic relating. And for those of you that didn't listen to that episode, Kate was a. But she is a facilitator for authentic relating. I'm actually going to go to another one of her weekend trainings in a couple of weeks and I'm really excited about that one. I'm going with my boyfriend to the one I did a couple months ago I did by myself. And it was like unbelievable being able to witness her through the process. Anyway, authentic relating is something that's been really powerful for me in my relationships and something that I'm working on a lot. And so I wanted to be able to share that with you guys and be able to learn how to get deeper and be more meaningful in your relationships. And then the other thing I like is it shows you how to set boundaries in a way that's like healthy, especially if you have people pleasing tendencies. If you say yes to everyone and everything, it needs really little time for yourself. And the other thing I love about it, it's totally reframed my perception of conflict. I no longer try to avoid conflict. I tried to turn conflict into a connection point. It used to be hard for me to speak up about certain things and, and now I really try to weave in this, this practice into my everyday life. And I'm still working on it, I'm still students of it. But Kate is an amazing resource for this and I really wanted you guys.

To hear from her.

So I'm going to say hi to Kate.

Hi.

Oh yes.

What a great intro. And I, I love that you're bringing in all these elements that you're so passionate about yourself and really engaged in the prompts of authentic relating and your own life and relationships. So you talk from a place of lived experience.

And yeah, I'm, I'm excited about this conversation. I've been fascinated by the world of relationships for a really long time and mostly because they didn't come very easily to me. So I found my way here out of desire and necessity because I was steeped in meditation and yoga and somatics and that was my comfort zone, this solo practice, this deep inner space, sensing, feeling and being in my, my own inner environment. And the missing piece is really bringing that out into relationship. And it became clearer and clearer me that all this relating to myself and getting to know the nuanced layers of myself and even really touching into my own truth was, and this is maybe a bit of a stretch but almost useless if I wasn't actually bringing it out into the world and into my outer relationships. So that was what sort of launched me on this path. And ever since then there's really been no going back. And I love the way that it enriches relationships in every sense of the word and every sort of relational dynamic, of course, intimate partnerships and family dynamics and also in the workplace and beyond. So that's a little bit of my why in this work.

Yeah, I think it's amazing when you have that desire to learn something and then you now have not only learned it for yourself, but you're able to now teach other people how to have it in their lives. And I just, I feel like then you're almost even knowing it even more.

Right.

Because you're getting it more of the. More of the experience with it.

Mm.

Mm.

Yeah, absolutely. And I love being able to play around with bringing the somatics in and the sort of personal inward journey into be more expressive relational practice of authentic relating. Because, for example, from an attachment perspective, we really need access to both. And most of us tend towards one end of the spectrum feeling more familiar or easier to us, whether that's expressing outward and being in connection with others or retreating inward and being in connection with ourselves.

So yeah, and I think I thank you. And for those of you had that didn't listen to Kate's first episode yet. Please listen to that. You'll be able to see it with her name. I put Kate Middleton so you could just search for that specifically. And she goes really deep into what somatic therapy is. But the idea that I get from it, and I think you might have said this on the episode, is the more comfortable with you are with yourself in your own skin, the easier it is to connect. That's why, like, in our work together, we've been able to. That was kind of our first focus before I switched more into authentic relating because I had to get more comfortable in my skin, which is kind of that similar to what we just did in the very beginning of the episode where I just had to take a couple minutes to reconnect because I just felt very scattered since I was in this transition from doing the podcast to my boyfriend leaving for the day. So anyway, so I don't know if that's just a high level of somatics, just. And then we can talk more about authentic relating.

Absolutely. I think to sort of simplify somatics, it's all about inhabiting your whole body with your awareness and when that's possible. I think there's so much more room for.

Relational capacity, depth and truth and creativity and play and all the good things.

So good. Okay, so I really would love to get into some tactical stuff. So let's. Who's listening? So people that are listening are people that want to do the thing. Right. They either want to. Maybe they work a 9 to 5 job, they want to open a business. I can give you an example. A friend of mine, I've like lightly been sharing the podcast with people. I haven't really even done too much of it and I already got a really good inspiring thing. I'll just share it really quick because I loved it.

An idea of who they are. So she just said, great work, Stacy. I listened to all three episodes over the weekend and I'm inspired to do the thing. For me, it's been for years to start a summer camp for inner city teens. They rarely get into nature and to begin running again. Maybe even do a half marathon one day. Thanks for sharing. And so that's one example people that are working like nine to five jobs and want to either do something for the good of humanity, open a business, travel. I just talked to somebody. Yes, dirty no, last week. She runs a monthly community event. So there might be people that just want to start a volunteer event. And so, so for them to be, or to even start dating. I've actually been talking to a lot of people that kind of getting tired of the dating scene and so they're, they want to do the thing and find an actual partner and get through that. So. So thinking about those people, we want them to be able to put themselves into situations where they can surround themselves with like minded people because if they're around people that are like, why would you want to do that.

Dumbest thing I ever heard. Or that just sounds really scary to me. I could never do something like that. It's fine if you want those people still as your friends, if you want people like that still as your friends. But you really also need to expand your friend base and be around people that are doing the thing also because that's going to help you do the thing. And so let's say they go to, let's say they go into meetup or they go on eventbrite and they're like, okay, what would be a good event for me to go to? And let's say they find, let's say they want to start a business so they go to a marketing meetup event and they go there. And what would be a way that they could integrate authentic relating into something like that? Like to open up the conversation and get a little bit past the superficial layer, maybe we can kind of like walk through that scenario.

Mm, yeah, this is a great one. So in these sort of situations, what I've noticed is that most people are really quick to put their.

Desire or intent out there. I'm here for this. This is what I do. This is who I am. And starting off on that, that sort of a launching pad can be a bit. The intention is pure in that you want to connect over shared values. But it almost seems a little bit rushed to me. And I would prioritize bringing in human connection and really getting curious about what these people are going through in the moment. Maybe what it is that they really care about that has moved them in this direction to maybe shift things in their life or take a step towards doing what they really want to do. So I think a starting place is bringing in curiosity and receptivity and actually taking in what the other participants or other people in the space have to say. So that you come with not just an open mind, but an open awareness and open body to. To learning something from others and then match that with what you are willing to share yourself so that there's reciprocity happening which is necessary for relationship and in authentic relating. We really value this practice of reciprocity or honoring yourself and honoring other. And to me, that that shows up or manifests as an ability to listen and receive and respond and engage. And I would also say, so bring in the curiosity. Start with listening and getting curious and scratch the elevator pits, all that prep to condense down your message and what you're doing in one perfectly polished sentence.

I say take a risk. Drop that for the reward of genuine connection.

As a starting place.

Yeah, I love that. And so what would be a couple of good questions for them to be able to ask to open up this conversation?

Yeah, so I would start with. One is.

Really tuning into your curiosity and starting to trust in your own curiosity a bit more. So notice who you're drawn to in the room. Notice what it is attract you to them. Is it their posture? The way they're moving through the space? Is it what they have to say? Is it the way that they're engaging with others? Is it how they're sitting in the corner alone and just observing? Just notice what you are drawn to and then bring that in. Oh, I noticed the way you're doing. You're able to. It seems like you're able to talk to anyone in here. Or oh, I've noticed he's sort of sitting and just observing and then asking if they're willing to share about that. That can seem like a bit of a stretch or an unconventional conversation starter. But my assumption is that you're in these spaces to have conversations that are out of the box and to open you to new ways of thinking and being in the world. So follow your curiosity and start there. I notice I'm curious about this. Or oh, I noticed I was drawn to you because of this.

And then start to inquire, what are you really curious about? And it could be anything. Did you come here with someone else? How did you find out about this? What is it that that has you here tonight? These can be.

Starting places. But I.

I get that it's easier to have prompts and maybe a, like a three step conversation starter. But what I found that really sparks interesting, fun, creative conversations are the ones that come from a real curiosity and then taking the risk of asking the questions that might not be the typical polite conversational questions and trusting that if the other person doesn't want to answer them, that's absolutely okay. But you take the risk to initiate a conversation in the direction that you really want to go.

Yeah, I love that. And you know what that makes me think of too is it's funny, I'm automatically going to meet new people, get like minded people. So I think that that's all good for, for that scenario. But now I'm wanting to. And just so everyone knows, I didn't have, I didn't tell Kate we were doing what we were doing. I just said we're going to talk about authentic relating. And so this is all because I wanted it to be more authentic and of like go where the conversation flows. And so that's just kind of how I've been working the podcast pretty much. And it's been working the way that I wanted to this point. But, but anyway, what's coming to my mind as I'm hearing you talk is I'm like, I kind of also now want to talk about like their current friends too, because I'm already calling their current friends off.

And that's not good. Right. We should at least give them a chance to, to have them be the supportive people. So let's say you're in a friend group and you're maybe doing the wine thing with them or complaining thing or whatever it is you're doing. Or maybe they're just like your, your, your kid friend, like where your kids are friends and then you're friends with them kind of like on that other level, but. Or it could be business friends, whatever, whoever these people are, what would be a good way to kind of like start this practice with people that you already know that are already in your network?

This is great because yes to meeting new people and creating new relationships. And I also really take a stand for.

Bringing authenticity into existing relationships to model the kind of relational depth that you're wanting. And it can be done in a way that is, that's gentle, that's respectful, so it doesn't come from a place of oh, I know this thing, therefore I'm deeper than you and better and more evolved and more in touch or whatever it is. But that, hey, I'M learning this really cool relational technique, and I'd love for it to be an option for us to use or engage in. And what I'm really wanting is to be able to share with you about my current projects and ideas and what I'm excited about, and sometimes for you just to hear me and listen and reflect back what you hear me say to help me organize my thoughts. And sometimes I'd love to be able to ask you for suggestions or advice. And I'd also love to hear what you're up to in the world. How does that sound? So you're setting a context of. I'd love to set up these conversations where there's active listening, there's reflection, and there's consent before advice, for example.

Yeah, I love that. And you're making me think that. Yeah, we do need to get into that more. That one. What is it a rule that's. I know, there's what, four rules?

Maybe we should talk about that one, which is pretty much what you said, but maybe let's go through that structure a little bit more.

So in a reciprocal conversation, there is usually one person sharing at one time and one person listening. And often we think that it's just the person sharing or the person talking who's sort of engaging in the conversation, and that listening is maybe something a little bit passive and you're just sort of sitting there and taking it. But there's a way for both roles to be equally engaged and active in the conversation. And active listening does require a little bit of effort and attentional regulation, if you will, to be able to bring your attention, really to the person who is speaking to you and picking up on not only what they're saying through their words, but how they're saying it with their body, how they're gesturing, the tone of their voice. What happens? Do they light up? Do they slump? Do their eyes squint? Do they open wide so that you can see more of the picture of this. This person's experience? And then that level of listening allows you to reflect back to them. Yes. Some of the words that they said. Because it's important that they know that you're with them, you're following, you've picked up on these things. It also really allows you to understand their reality better, because our language creates our reality. And so if you notice the kind of language, the kind of language they're using, the words that they're saying, it is an insight into their world. So you reflect back some of the words that really either summarize what they're saying or struck you in a certain way. And you can also reflect back. Oh, and when you said this, I noticed your arms reached out or you put your hand on your heart. And so you're also reflecting back that how they were sharing what they were sharing. And this will allow them to feel really seen and heard. That also makes room for you to get curious and. Oh, and I'm wondering what's that, what that's about. If you want to.

The listening. Active listening is not just a free pass into giving advice or going straight into. That reminds me of a time that I did this and telling your own story about it. It's really a relational practice of receiving this person until they feel complete. So I would also say, is there anything else, Is there anything else you want to share as. As a role of active listener?

Yeah, it's so huge, I think too, because it. It really does build that closer connection when someone feels heard and seen by the things that you are able to say. And I know how impactful it is in my relationships and it's changed a lot of things for me personally that I've. I've really loved. I think that's what. One of the things that I love so much about it. I actually did a future. I did a future. Gosh, what is that called? Like, future self coaching session with. I had a doctor case on who I'd worked with on and off for a few years. And she did an episode on. On the Brain, I think I mentioned and. And like how to like deactivate when certain things are happening focused on the brain. And we did a coaching session just after she did almost like a. Like a. Like a nice little kind of gift for me after the session. And it was like looking at myself like five years from now, what I want for myself. And I had to really think about what it was that I wanted and what came up for me. And I'm getting sidetracked for a minute, but it's just. This is what's coming up for me right now. So I'm sharing it. But. But yeah, it was. It had to do with my kids. And it really was authentic relating because it was like, I want my kids in five years to be able to say that I heard them, I saw them. Like they felt seen. They felt my kids felt seen. My kids felt heard by me as their parent. And I feel like a lot of that is coming from that active listening and reflecting back because sometimes when you hear something back, you hear it in a way that you didn't even hear it when it was in your head too.

Absolutely, absolutely. That's one of the real gifts of being a deep listener, is that.

You.

Help this other, the person speaking, to clarify and then even expand upon what they're sharing. It's also often an invitation to share more. If you're openly listening, it shows that you are still with them and open to more. If not, we tend to shut down and disengage and drift off or start talking about ourselves. Which says something else.

Yeah, yeah. So I would love it, if you don't mind. I think this is a good transition if you could, just because we've touched on it a little. But I'd love to do a bigger kind of story about it is give the listeners a good idea of what authentic relating is.

So authentic relating is.

It'S a set of tools and practices to help you connect with yourself and others.

In the present moment. So having to do with the here and now, with your lived experience and.

Bringing your conversation to that level. Most of the time we talk about past events or about future possibilities and we disconnect from the vulnerability of the present moment, which is where our sensations live, our emotions live, our real lived experience happens. And if we're relating based on past experiences or future events, then we're never really experiencing the intimacy or immediacy of moment to moment relating or moment to moment connection. So authentic relating is a way of bridging realities, essentially allowing us to live in a shared reality with another for a certain amount of time. And it of course includes speaking about the whole timeline of experience, past and present and future. But it really prioritizes the present moment because that tends to be what's lacking in everyday or conventional conversation. Because it is vulnerable. It is intimate to share like, oh, and what's happening for you right now as you tell me about your mother's day? Or yeah, what, what's happening in your body now as you tell me about your five year plan.

Yeah, so you're just connecting more into how the other person is feeling versus to what they're saying.

There's that and there. So that's sort of an element of authentic relating is being able to bring conversation to the relational level, which means to the present moment. And then.

There'S the task of being able to stay with another in their experience and to stay with yourself and make contact with yourself in the moment. In relational context, we tend to.

Slip back into associations or past experiences that resurface in the present moment so they feel very real and they feel very now, but there may be a lived experience from when we were nine years old instead of present moment adult self. So the practice of authentic relating is being able to differentiate and to presence yourself in your now lived adult experience and bring in these other pieces and parts, the tenderness, the ugly parts, the rebel, the this and the that. But to name it or state it in a way where you recognize that it's not you in this moment, but it is a part of you. So there's real room for the whole human experience. And there's a value on expanding to become or maturing to relate as your adult self even when you are activated, even when you're triggered in conflict and you want to revert back to seeing the world through your nine year old lens, for example.

And so what would be a good example of something? If someone's like, okay, I'd like to try this, let me go do it today.

Would be something they could do today that would be good for them.

So the, I think one of the most powerful shifts is using language to name, to notice and name your experience as something that you are experiencing but not as yourself. Oftentimes we'll claim our felt sense or our emotions as a way to protect and defend our sensitive parts. So for example, we'll blame others. We'll say, you make me feel this. You always do that when what's really happening is if you bring attention to yourself and you really make contact with your experience is, oh, I'm noticing a heat, a hot clump of something in my throat and I feel a squeezing between my eyes and.

Quivering in my voice. I feel some fear and an anger here.

And I think it has something to do with.

The way that.

You'Re, you're not looking at me while we're talking and I really want to feel you here in the conversation, for example. So shifting from blame to ownership of your own experience and then noticing and naming the reality of your experience rather than the story around it. So really bringing it back down to raw sensation, emotion, and then referencing what sparked that rather than starting with the what happened. So therefore it's not my responsibility or fault or whatever way we try to deflect. My real go tos are noticing and naming what are you feeling, where are you feeling it? And how can you bring voice to that?

Yeah, and, and then it kind of doesn't give someone an opportunity to be defensive because it's your own experience that you're sharing.

Exactly, exactly. It's, it's pretty tough to deny someone of their own Experience. And that's a whole other conversation, but.

Reminds me of I was doing a therapy, A therapy thing at one point and they taught this thing called a fast. And it's. I'm feeling about. Because the same. Instead of saying like, you did this, you did that, you're like, I'm feeling blank about blank. Because blank. And it's so hard to do that in the beginning, but once you do it, then it just becomes normal and you no longer need to go, wait, what's the F and what's the A.

And what's the B?

And I feel like this, I notice, I feel is the same way. It's like once you're. Once you're getting into the practice of doing it in the beginning, probably the first 10, maybe even 20 times you do it, it's hard because you have to remember each piece and notice your body too, and how you're feeling in a moment. But once you get in the habit of it, you're literally retraining your brain to be able to do that. And that's where I was talking about creating connection out of conflict.

Yeah, absolutely. And just to add in for, for those of you listening and wanting to practice this, if, if you find it tough in the moment, in real time, to breathe, pause, check in, notice and name your experience and take ownership that just as an exercise or a practice, what you can do on your own time is think of all the ways that you blame others for your experience. And your go to, I'm just going to make one up, but I'm always late because of you, or you don't care about me or these projections or assumptions or.

Sort of blamey ways we go about disconnecting from our own experience.

Visit those, look at all of them or some of them, let's say, the main themes, main ones. And then in your journal, you can write out a more conscious approach to communicating that. I noticed when you say this, I feel this, and what I'm really wanting is this, or I'm feeling this about this, because this. And you go about it that way so that you can begin to reorganize your idea of how to communicate these concepts to others. And then when you go to bringing it into conversation in real time, it's a little bit easier to slip into that new groove.

Yeah, I love it. I really.

Because it's.

I just don't think a lot. Like, enough people are doing this type of thing, you know what I mean? Where they're really thinking through how to make either they're not Speaking.

About things that are bothering them. And that's not good because then your body's. Your body's still getting all those emotions and it's not coming out or they're doing it in a way of argumentative or like you said, blaming. And so, yeah, having a framework for conversation like this is so huge, I think, with everything.

Absolutely. And there's so much talk and awareness around practices, let's say, like gratitude practices or morning routine or meditating every day or having the warm lemon water as soon as you wake up that have become accepted or mainstream. And I am still a little baffled as to why this isn't. These relational pieces and conscious communication aren't included in that or in those sort of holistic routines because to me, it really lays the foundation of holistic relationships.

So true.

Yeah.

Like doing a practice every day, even if it's not with a person. It's like you said, writing it down in your journal because then it's. It's starting to frame a new language almost in your brain that you're. It's just having more experience with it.

Yeah. So.

Okay, cool. So I love that you went there. So that's the. So we were able to do a little bit of that conflict. Turning conflict into connection. I think that's. That's really good because I think that's been huge. I was the person that was not the yeller, but was the. The sucking it in your body.

And that's not good.

Let me just tell you.

It was not good. But. And a good book on that, if you guys want or interested. It's personality isn't permanent. It's really good. It talks about the body keeps the score is also good. But I think personality is imperman. Is. Is like a simplified version where it just talks about what happens when you suppress your emotions and you're not speaking up for things that you need or want.

These tools are really a way to create spaces of permission and acceptance for you to be more you.

Yeah, okay. I love that. Can you expand on that a little bit more?

Yeah, absolutely. So.

Most of us were not modeled or brought up in, say, classrooms or homes where our genuine, authentic experience was welcome at all times. And that's absolutely okay. But what it tends to do is instill this belief that we need to sacrifice our own experience in order to belong. And that's kind of a paradox because I believe that true belonging can only come from bringing your true self to an experience. Otherwise, even if you're accepted, it doesn't feel like belonging. So in these relational practices of authentic relating, we're essentially expanding our capacity to be with another in their own experience and not have to fix it or change it or squirm our way out of it or say something to make them feel better, which is really just to make us feel better, but expanding our capacity to be with someone else in their authentic experience and expanding our capacity to be with our own and to bring that into conversation and to rewire a new belief around authenticity and belonging. And there, there is a way that we could do all this work, all these practices to bring in our authentic experience and be more present and we might be listened and reflected to by others. But if we aren't willing to actually take that in and actually take in that, oh, this other person might really want to be with me and my truth, then we'll be stuck in that belief of, oh no, that's not possibly true. They couldn't really want to see the real me or know the real me. They're just saying that. They're just being nice. This is just so. I think it's both a practice of bringing more of yourself and then being open to having a new experience.

Yeah, I really like that. So is there anything that I have not asked in regards to this that you think would be helpful for the listeners in regards to authentic relating?

There are a few pieces I just want to mention that authentic relating, it's. It's not about being a perfect partner or a perfect communicator, but I think it's. It's about taking a risk in service of deeper connection. And that risk might mean sharing more of yourself, more of your truths, more of your. The parts you try to hold back or hide, and then showing up more fully for another, being more attentive and engaged and listening with curiosity and empathy. So that relationship becomes a place of.

Resource and support and joy.

And then is there any practice that we didn't talk about that you think would be good? Obviously there's so many that would be good from like a ABC level of kind of getting into this.

Okay, so here's one. And this is something to bring in. Well, really at any level of relationship, whether it's brand new or been, you spent an entire life knowing this person, you can use this. But it's especially helpful in either intimate partnerships or family dynamics where there's familiarity there and potential conflict and tension, to notice what stories or assumptions you're running and check them out with the other person. For example, I'm just going to make something simple up, but let's say my boyfriend walks past me in the morning without saying hello or good morning or giving me a good morning kiss. And I just assume he's mad at me because I woke him up when I was getting ready this morning. I could go straight to this, oh, no, he's mad at me. Or he's mad at me. I was just getting up and I could take it in so many directions to create more distance and tension. Or I could say, hey, is anything up for you? I'm sensing maybe something's here. I'm running this story that you're upset with me because I woke you up this morning. And he might say, oh, no, I'm just still half asleep myself. Or I've got my headphones in and I'm listening to something. Or he might say, like, actually, yeah, I was kind of annoyed and you can go from there. But I think that's a real, really key piece is picking up on what stories or assumptions you're running and checking them out with the other person before taking them any further.

Oh my gosh, that is such a good one.

I love that so much.

I know I gave my reason why I think authentic relating is important for people to do the thing. Is there anything else that you'd like to add to that on why you think authentic relating is important, helpful. Useful in regards to doing the thing?

Yes. I love this. So in my world, doing the thing has a lot to do with being in touch with your desire, your passion, your truth, yourself.

In order to walk the thing into the world or to bring this idea into fruition. I believe that you need other people around you who also believe in your truth and see your truth. So they can either call you out and call you up, or they can be there as a support when you're doubting yourself. And there's also a collective momentum or like a slipstream that you can slip into at times if you need some inspiration or motivation when you have other people around you who are also doing the thing and who are also invested in authentic relationship and conscious communication, which I think is. Is really vital to your messaging too. If, if you're doing the thing to be able to share your why of what you're doing with an audience or with others, it. It has to come from somewhere genuine. So that's a little bit about why I think this kind of communication and relating is so important for doing the thing.

And so it's funny, I have this card and it's. It's been like, on my table for. I don't even know how long, months. But I love it that I love this. So I thought I would just read it and then tell me what you think about it. But it says having hard conversations and then I have a little dash under it. And so it says practice communicating when it's easy. So that when it's hard, you'll be able to.

Oh, I love that. I absolutely love that. Yes. And one way to start is to start with appreciations. That's kind of a fun, fun one to start with. So existing relationships in your life can be nurtured by letting this other person know what it is you really appreciate about them in real time, if you can. And that's, that's sort of one example of communicating when it's easy so you can do it when it's hard. You get into the practice of sharing what's true, what's on your mind in the moment with another.

Thank you so much, Kate. I'm just so glad that we met and I really appreciate you coming on again. I'm really grateful for you.

Such a joy to be here and to be connected with you. And I'm so glad that you are doing what you're doing and inspiring others to do the thing.

Thanks for listening to the do the Thing podcast. We hope you enjoyed the show. But even more, we hope you'll be inspired to do the thing. Do you have a burning question on Doing the Thing that you'd like answered? How about an inspiring do the Thing story of your own that you'd like to share? We'd love to hear all about it. Just leave us a voice message at do the Thing callcast co, or email us at hello atdothethingpodcast.com.