Failure is an Option: A Memoir of Life's Epic Suckage

I feel really bad for people when they're good at everything because they have so much pressure to be good when they try something new. They don't know what it's like to enjoy. They don't know what it's like to feel good. I'm like trying to make it non sexual. They don't know how good it feels to suck. It's like to enjoy failure. Imagine the freedom to revel in the disappointment of failure. Maybe you should just suck. Like the people that won't apply for a job because they don't think they're going to get it, or they won't ask for the promotion or they won't ask the girl out. You're not going to get it anyway. Why not just embrace the suck? The more you suck, the more you get. So I just wanted to start off and just tell you guys that I suck at everything. I'm good at that. So I went to play golf and I took a lesson and I could not hit the ball no matter what I tried. Well, technically I guess I could hit it. But in my defense, that squirrel really should have been defending its nuts. That pond had way too many guts in it. Anyway, by the end of the lesson, the instructor pretty much told me, hey, listen, wine is cheaper and we have an opening in the beverage part. Then I went to play tennis. And here's the thing about tennis. They have these things called tennis clinics and clinics in the name, right? So you would think you wouldn't have to be good. No, pretty much. Both times I went to a tennis clinic, they said, don't come back. I don't know why. I'm really good at swinging the racket until I hit the instructor. Now he's working at the beverage part. I'm so glad I got a Groupon. Then I went and tried rock climbing, indoor rock climbing. And you have to be really good at tying knots. So they have you take this, like, certification class to learn. And the guys pretty much listen, all you have to do is you tie a loop, make it into a snowman. Then you make a scarf around the snowman. Then you have to follow along with the other one. And I'm like looking at him like this, and he looks at me and he's like, how come you're not tying your knot? I'm like, dude, you lost me at snowman. You know what sucks about rock climbing? Gravity. I learned something though. I don't bounce. I suck at cooking. You know, a lot of times when I cook, the smoke detector goes off. You know, when the smoke detector never goes off, Uber eats reservations. I suck at directions. Oh, my gosh, you guys. I went hiking in New Mexico and I got so lost. I ended up somehow finding an abandoned ski area. And I found a red phone and I picked it up and I was like, I am so sorry, but I am lost and I have no idea how to get back. Minutes later, a guy in a snowmobile comes. I know what you're thinking. This is how I used to get my dates. He wasn't even single. So the other night, I was with my boyfriend and we had just had sex, and we're in this, like, love vortex, right? It's, like, fuming out of me. And he asked me a question. He said, if you weren't with me right now, if we weren't together right now, what would you be doing? And then I said, oh. I stuck with that. So I feel really bad for people when they're good at everything because they have so much pressure to be good when they try something new. They don't know what it's like to enjoy. They don't know what it's like to feel good. I'm, like, trying to make it non sexual. They don't know how good it feels to suck. Like, to enjoy failure. Imagine the freedom to revel in the disappointment of failure. Maybe you should just suck. Like, the people that won't apply for a job because they don't think they're gonna get it, or they won't ask for the promotion, or they won't ask the girl out. You're not gonna get it anyway. Why not just embrace the suck? The more you suck, the more you get. Do fast. Suck enthusiastically. My boyfriend likes that. So here's the thing with me and directions. I always know where I'm going, and I know I'm gonna get there eventually. I just don't know how I'm gonna get there. What if we can all do life like I do directions? What's the worst that would happen? You don't die. Well, I guess you could, but you'll have so many cool adventures along the way. If you guys see me after the show and I'm walking aimlessly, just know I'm looking for my car. So the cool thing about sucking is because of all my failures, I have a podcast called do the Thing. And I get to openly ask people to embrace the suck and go after whatever they want in life without all the mental baggage. So I'm going to leave you guys with a quote. Failure is an opportunity to begin again. More intelligently, which is why I signed up for this class again.