Lets Talk About Flirting and Confidence

Wait to do this with you. So for anyone that's here already or that's watching the recording, I have Kimmy Seltzer with me today. I'm going to make sure you guys can see us. So let me just pin it and also make sure I'm showing up in the group because that's another kind of fun thing. I am so excited. So Kimmy's an authentic day. Oh, my God, we're here. Yay. Okay, good. An authentic relate. Wait, Authentic dating strategist who is going to talk to us about all the things. Okay. We are live with Kimmy Seltzer. Make sure everyone sees that. Hi, Joyce.

Good to see you.

So excited.

Hey, Terry.

Oh, my gosh, you guys, this is so fun. Okay, cool. So, wow. I like, have been like, literally looking forward to this all week. Can you go ahead? Oh, you know what, you guys, let me actually, I have a new toy I want to have you guys do so I could see your comments with your name and not just Facebook user. I'm going to put in there. There's like a thing if you want us to see your name so it's easier for us to interact. Feel free to just click that link and then I'll be able to, like, see who you are. But. Hi, Glenda. It looks like you've already done that, so that's cool. Okay, so, Kimmy, can you. Because, like, I've been like, all over you right now. Like, I'm on. I'm looking at your Cameron Kelly thing with the Golden Bachelor. You've got your in real life, you know, dating show. You have your flirting workshop. There's like, so many things. Do you mind just kind of like sharing, like, who you are, what you do, and then we can kind of go from there.

Yeah, I'm just. I'm just a girl, really. I've been around the block for a while. And you know, it's funny because, like, people will see my bio or. Yeah, they'll see me in the media or something like that. But honestly, like, the. The real reason why I do what I do is because of my own hot mess, my own story, my own transformation that got me here. And that is why I'm love, just spreading the love and helping other people, you know, with their sexy confidence. So, I mean, I will just, I guess summarize by saying. Yeah, I mean, I call myself an authentic dating strategist. I like to use the word strategist more than coach, more than therapist. And I am a trained therapist as well. And I'm Calling myself a confidence therapist now. But, you know, I just feel like, especially as we move on later in life, that we all fall into habits. We. We all have patterns that we get into. And for me, I love helping people put in strategies so that they break old habits, they break patterns. And to me, that's where the empowerment is. Right. And so I'm also an image consultant, and so that's obviously a big part of what we'll probably talk about today. And so it's not just the inside, it's the outside as well. How we market ourselves directs, directly impacts how we feel inside. And so I have a story. I mean, I have a whole story around how I got into this. I don't know if you want to get into it, but that's basically what I do. And I have a lot of different programs that help people in these different areas. And I use a formula called the Charisma Quotient. It's the name of my podcast. It's kind of the formula that I use to help people just gain that sexy confidence through charisma and confidence. And to me, that's what ends up attracting the right love. So.

So I love that I just saw your comment that you're scared now and it's all gonna be good. I'm so glad.

So scared.

Oh, my God, I love the word sexy confidence. I think that's so powerful because, like, when you're out and you're able to, like, pull that in from inside, then you're able to go up to whoever you want or receive whatever you want.

Exactly. Yeah. Actually, I just did a TEDx talk last year on that, and I titled it How Marketing Yourself Attracts Love. And the reaction, like, whoever said, oh, no, I'm scared now, you know, like, sometimes that there's a reaction like, oh, this is, you know, a little scary, or, you know, putting yourself out there. But the truth is, is that when we pay attention to the signals that we're sending out to the world through your wardrobe, through your body language, through your energy, that's what attracts us. Because you could be the best person there is, and you can do all this inside work, but what good is that if you're not marketing yourself and putting yourself out there? Because love will pass you by, you know, no matter how much internal work that you do. So there's this again, symbiotic relationship between the outer and the inner. And I kid you not, before getting into all this, as a therapist, I used to believe in the inside out, but I flipped the script because Now, I work from the outside, and we can kind of get into that a little bit, but. And happy to share my story because I'm with all of you. Like, just so you know, like, listening to me is. I've been through my own journey and with so many bumps in the road, and that's really how I learned. And I'm just loving teaching people, you know, all the things it was really hard for me to. I stumbled, I fell a lot. And. And now the very thing that I was scared of, like, whoever said, oh, no, I'm scared now. Like, the thought of flirting, y', all, like, that was a really scary thing. And the very thing that I was scared of, I now teach and embrace. So that can happen to all of you, too.

I love that. And do you mind sharing a little bit more about your story? Because I think when you're able to, like, see that, then that's how it's. Like, it's possible now, right?

Yeah, it's. You know, and I'm glad that we're taking a pause for that, because without my story, I'm just, you know, just standing up here and giving a bunch of advice. It's. It's, again, it's the experiential piece that really thrusted me into helping other people. So I was. I'm from Chicago. I was this, you know, kind of good girl, traditional life type of person. I was married. I had the picket fence and the dog and a couple kids and the husband. I still have the kids, by the way, but you see where the story. So, yeah, and I. I practice as a traditional therapist. I mean, that was kind of my. My career, my life.

And.

And we all pick up and one day move to la LA Land, Louisiana, which is where I am now. And I joke. We are. I decided to do what all the other people here do. We get a divorce. I'm joking. Like, obviously, like, poor la. I blame LA all the time, but I would have been here anyway. In fact, I. I actually thank LA now because it was something that probably needed to happen even years before that. But when I was removed from kind of the insulation of my life, and it was hard to see in front of me what wasn't working. And when that was removed, you know, I was, like, facing the music, right? And there I was, all alone in this new town, not knowing what to do with my new life. And if you were to come to me at that moment in my life, here I am, a therapist, right. I should know better. And I still couldn't get out of my own way. And trust me, I did everything that I was taught to do and that I help people with, right? I did the work. I went to therapy. I, you know, really pulled in and I tried to look at myself. And while that was really helpful, time would pass and I was still just analyzing and doing the work. And then people would come to me and say, kimmy, aren't you ready to date? Like, aren't you ready to get your. Put yourself out there? I said, oh, no, you know, I'm just doing the work, right? All of you, like, resonate with this. And it's like, okay, really, what am I doing? Rocking in a chair, doing the work, you know, But I'm not doing anything to put myself into action.

So speaking our language right now, that's so good.

No, and here's the thing. I, you know, probably like a lot of you, I was a high achieving person. I was pretty successful in my life. I thought I was a pretty confident person. But when something like this happens, it was like when I was looking in the mirrors, like the pieces in the mirror just shattered to the ground. And I did not know how to pick up the pieces again and again. Analysis paralysis. So this, what I'm about to share with you, really changed the course of not only my life, but how I teach and help people today. So if I looked in the mirror back then, what I was wearing all black. I had ginormous clothes. I still had the nursing bras on. I wasn't nursing any longer. It gives you a clue to, like, how stuck I was in my clothes, in my mindset. And I. One day, and I don't know really what possessed me, I think I was just sick of being just, you know, kind of in my own way, so to speak. I woke up and I just looked in the mirror and I really saw myself. And I'm like, wow, who have I become? I lost myself. I was a frazzled message tired mommy not knowing how to be sexy, right? I'm like, the last time I dated, I was in college. What am I supposed to do? Go flirt at a later stage. I'm a single mom, right? So I decided to do something really untraditional because nothing else was working. I went shopping, y'. All. This is where. No, this is where it started. I said, okay, and that was enough. I have all black. Nothing's fitting me. I had a splash of beige, maybe. And I said, I am going shopping and I'm just gonna get revitalized. Your shopping therapy. So I go to the store and this personal shopper, she was watching me. I had no idea. And I think I'm up leveling myself with new clothes. No, what am I doing? I'm putting all black clothes in my arms again. Same pattern, right? And she saw me and she's like, ma', am, I've been watching you. And I really think she's, you should try this on. And she holds up this red dress that was bright red that looked like three sizes too small. And I said, that's so sweet of you, but that's really not my size. And that's really not my color. She's honey, that is your size. That is your color. Try it out. Bam. You know? And it was almost as if she hit me over the head with that red dress. I caught my red dress moment. And this is kind of the moment where, like, even by the end of this live stream, I hope everyone has some sort of epiphany. It's the time where you wake up, right? It's the time that you really look in the mirror and say, wow, I need to take action. So I said, you know what? I'm going to try that dress on. So I squeeze into it and I twirl around like Cinderella. And I look in the mirror once again, and I was like, wow, I'm a princess. You know? And it was really this almost Cinderella moment. I I in this visceral kind of feeling that went through my body like, wow, there she is. You know, she's been hiding so long. So I bought the red dress as a costume because I still didn't believe it. I said, okay, I'm gonna go out in the world. I'm gonna just practice wearing this dress so I go out in the world. What?

I know. I love what you just said. Practice wearing the dress. Because that's such a much easier way to just, like, be able to do it, right? Because you're just reframing that in your mind.

Well, and this is what I teach a lot of my clients. I just got back from my dating retreat. I do these co ed dating retreats. And that's. That was the message. Just like, you know, let go of the outcome and just practice these things that are super uncomfortable. And here's the kicker. I. So I went everywhere. I went to the market, I went to the coffee shop. I went everywhere in that darn red dress. And here was the surprising revelation. Men started noticing me, and guess what? I didn't like it. Wow. This whole time, I was using my black clothes as a cloak to keep me invisible. From the men. Because you know what? Deep down, I was scared. So that person who said, oh, no, I'm scared now, that was completely me. And I said, wow, I need, I need to practice being seen. That's really what's going on here. So I had to get comfortable being seen. And it was the first time I realized about that symbiotic relationship between the outer and the inner when it comes to confidence, when it comes to, you know, really seeing yourself as worthwhile. Because I mean, deep down it's like, who could love a single mom? Like, you know, like that was kind of my, my mantra inside. And then I, and then, boy, did I get, did I get used to being seen. And then I started loving it, right? And so I went everywhere and I wore bright colors and I love it. Well, then I had to talk to the aliens, right? And I called the men aliens because they were like, oh my God, I don't know how to talk to them. And so then there was a new set of problem, right? And, and that's really it. But it was those small shifts and changes that added up to where I am today. And that's what I want all of you to get from this talk, is that it can feel overwhelming. It can feel like, oh my gosh, I can't go out there and date or flirt or break patterns or not, you know, attract toxic relationships. Like, that's too much. But if you start small with these little things that maybe you're not used to doing, lean into it because that means it's something probably you need to do. I.

You're really speaking to me. And it's timed perfectly because I just did a stand up comedy performance, like Wednesday and I wore this outfit that I like, would never wear. We're like this gold. And a lot of you guys saw it because I posted it on Facebook. But like, it's like this gold sequins kind of like jacket. And then I borrowed my daughter's boots, like high boots. And I've never worn high boots before. Totally different look than I've ever done. And someone commented on my post and said, oh, I normally don't, I normally don't comment superficial like that. I like your outfit. Like, to women, you know, I make it a practice. And anyway, I talked to her after. I'm like, just so you know, like, this wasn't superficial. Like, it was like, like she was saying how, like, good I looked basically. But she normally doesn't like, tell people that they want. She wants to do it differently. And I'm like, it was so much more than that because it was like I. I hid my story is like I hid my voice for a long time, and then I was able to get it out. And that's what I've been doing with do the Thing, but I didn't realize I was hiding in my clothes. And so, like, I'm totally connecting to that because that was my moment that I'm like, I'm not hiding anymore, you know? And whether it's for dating or for speaking or whatever you want to do, it's, like, so true, right? It's like, once you can kind of get past that and be able to, like, show who you are from the inside, it's like, so much happened for you.

I love what you just said. And you're exemplifying exactly, like, through your story and my story of how ladies. This has nothing to do with a man. It really doesn't. It has to do with you. And when you look in the mirror and you have it going on and you can say, you know what? I'm hot, I'm sexy, I'm confident, that's when men are going to see you that way, too. So it's not about age. It's not about, you know, your hair or your weight or anything like that, because I work with men, too, and they all tell me the same thing. It's like, know when you're comfortable in your skin and you really start shining your light. And to your point, I think a lot of times when you've been through a hard time, whether it's a bad relationship, a breakup, whatever that is, you. There's a light that's dimmed, right? Or maybe your voice is quieted. You know, whether you were married to somebody who dimmed it or quieted your voice. So maybe just that working on shining, you know, really like, shining your light and saying, here I am and that I deserve to be seen, deserve to be so good.

Okay, so you are like, this is so kind of just perfect right now. And I feel like you guys are really getting it too, which is great. Some I've been asking people, like, tell me your questions and all that stuff. So one of the ones. And I think you're speaking to that. But one of the questions that had come in was, how do you stand out in a sea of people? Like, especially when you're dating.

Oh, my gosh, where do I start, ladies? Okay, so I, you know, I'm going to just kind of answer it in ways of the charisma quotient. Formula. Because we all maybe hide in different ways, right? Like, it could be what we say, it could be how we show up in our clothes. It could be our body language. Like, there's all these different things. And the three pillars in which I work with people on. And I love, like working in the first impression stage, because that often will make or break, you know, whether you move on, whether you meet somebody, whether you make a connection. So the first pillar from the. So I work from the outside in. Remember that now.

Because it's so different. I think you're like shaking it up, right? Because you're like getting them to. Yeah. So good. Okay, continue. Sorry.

Yeah, yeah, no, it raises a lot of eyebrows. You know, first, you know, when people don't know, like kind of all that I'm saying, like, oh, so superficial. I can't, you know, I can't do that. And the thing that I want you to all get is that, okay, and this is just research, right? This is not me talking. And before I go over the pillars to make a first impression, when you're first meeting somebody, it only takes seven seconds. Okay? It used to be 30 seconds two years, three years ago. And what goes on in the brain, what fires in the brain are two things. And this is how we make judgment on people. And by the way, you all do this too, right? Like it's not just men. And in fact, I think women are worse than judging men, to be honest, and I often talk about that in my workshops, is that people are basing it on two things. The clothes that you wear and the attitude that you have. So what you say isn't even as important as how you show up energetically. Right? So knowing that, that's why I love working with the style, intelligence first. That's my first pillar. And what's included in there is your body language. 93% of communication is non verbal. 93%. Again, like, that's huge. It's the smile, it's the eye contact. You know, even if you have not to say just smile and wave, you know, it's. It's being approachable. It's that warmth, it's the charisma. And then the wardrobe, of course. You know, I always look at the way that people are marketing themselves in your wardrobe. And to your point, it's not just about dating either. Like, even in work situations, in networking, because I work with a lot of business people as well. And it's the same skill set, by the way. So the first impression stage with all that stuff is kind of the first way of standing out when you walk into a room. Then after that, like the second pillar is emotional intelligence. So I work a lot being a therapist, of course, with the way we express ourselves. It's the vulnerability, it's authenticity, it's the way we share things about who we are so that people really get to know us, you know, rather than the surface Y stuff. You know, are you playing it safe when you meet somebody? Are you sharing stories and you know, really getting letting people in. Right. And the third pillar is your social intelligence, which is how we interact interpersonally. So it's, you know, your social comfort. I work with a lot of introverts and a lot of, you know, people who maybe, you know, shy away from just interacting with big groups or walking into a place. And there's a lot of anxiety around that. So it's like getting more comfortable with that through your conversation. And yes, that includes flirting, ladies. So I have a flirt workshop we're going to talk about coming up around the corner on Tuesday. And it's one of the things that I talk about because flirting is one of the most fundamental, important skills when it comes to not just dating, but just, just relating in life. So I say like flirt fullness too, right?

To your day, like that changes that vibration and it makes it more like, makes you feel more alive to just feel like you can own that. That comes in with the sexy confidence. I think it's so connected.

Correct, Correct. So, you know, as I go through the pillars, you all can probably answer for yourself where like on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best, 1 being like, I need some more, like where would you rate yourself in those pillars? And that's the lower number is where you need to work to make that great first impression. Again, it's not even what you say, but like, maybe it's a new wardrobe, maybe it's wearing color, maybe it's a smile, maybe it's making eye contact. You know, it's, it's, it's just that and I have, you know, a formula that I teach people like within flirting and within conversation to help you get out of your head and into your body. So again, like working with a lot of high achievers and you can like think about this if this is you. Many of my high achieving women are very much in their head, right? You're thinking about the outcome, you're worried about what's next. But flirting and dating isn't supposed to be about that. It's about being in the moment. It's about Being in your body, being in your feelings. And that's such a big part of what I help people with.

Oh, this is good for me. Where do I go to practice the flirting?

Everywhere. Everywhere. There's no right or wrong. I mean ladies, there's men in the grocery store, there's an everyday errands. You realize that there are chances to meet men. And this is my big message. Because, you know, I think another thing that we've gotten into, especially with online dating, is that everyone compartmentalizes their dating life. So okay, now I'm going to date. And they start like swiping like I'm dating now. It's like, no, dating is a way of life. So like when you go to the bank with the person next to you, even if you're not interested in that person, it is about just putting yourself out there and the practice. But then also go where men are. Go to Home Depot. Don't go to, you know, where a bunch of ladies are Yoga, you know, for instance. But also knowing the value in meeting other fabulous single women too. You know, it's about building tribe too.

Yeah, I love that you're saying that too because you're right. It's not just about meeting. And we do have some men in the group too. Just so you know, it's men and women. Most of us are over 45, but it is a range of, of everyone. But the common thing is everyone likes to take action and do something different. And so that's like, I think you're speaking really so because you're saying like go everywhere, you know, and like really just practice, you know, like whatever it is you want. So can you give some, some tips on flirting and like what that looks like?

Well, first of all, come to my workshop on Tuesday and you'll know lots of. And by the way, the QR code. Thank you for, you know, putting that up there. You guys could sign up for that. But just high level because I know we don't have a lot of time. One of the first things that I share with people is I always ask the question we're going to ask this at the workshop is like, what is your definition of flirting? First and foremost, right? Because we all have different associations of what that is. And there's a lot of fear that comes up around flirting. But what's really fascinating is when you look in the dictionary, dictionary, I love this. And you see the definition of flirting. It says to behave as though you are attracted to someone without the serious intention of an outcome. It's brilliant. Think about it. Because that last part, being attached to the outcome, is why everybody doesn't flirt. And there's so many reasons. Like, I've heard it all. Like, well, why would I flirt with someone I'm not attracted to? Or I don't want to give that person the wrong impression, or I feel awkward or I don't know how, or I don't want to be rejected. But I. All of those things are outcome oriented, right? And in the metaphor that I like to use, and this is a big tip that all of you can probably just like envision is, is think about kids like 4 or 5 years old just go to the playground. They. They're the biggest flirts ever. You know, they don't get it. They don't have filters yet. So, you know, if they see little Johnny in the sandbox, you know, Betty doesn't. Well, there's no one named Betty anymore. So maybe, you know, like Monica or something like that. They don't. She doesn't stop and say, oh, I don't want to go up to him and you know, he looks busy. Or I don't want to give him the wrong impression. They don't think that. They just go, hi, you want to play? Can I play? You know, like, what happened to that? What happened to that attitude? And that was the thing that I was working on with everybody at the retreat this weekend. We were in Miami. I changed locations all the time and I. I did a scavenger hunt and I had them go out in a mall and just do goofy things. I made the ladies wear cat ears and the guys wear baseball caps and just be goofy. I gave them all these prompts, and that is flirting. Like, it's just, it's being like you said, that playfulness that just draws people to you. And then you can determine whether or not you want to have a play date with that person. Right. Isn't that a great problem to have?

I love that.

Like, isn't that a great problem to have? If you had all these people who are wanting to play with you and then you get to choose who you want to move on with. Like, that's a great problem to have.

It's amazing. I love that. So how do you. I have the other. This has been. So I've been talking about this. So I have all these things that I want to ask. Like, do you wait. Like, okay, so whether woman, man, first of all, people like to be approached. Let's just tell them that. Because whether you're a woman, a man. Oh, yeah, let's kind of go there because I think that's another fear is like, you know, really, like, am I put. You're really putting yourself out there when you're approaching someone, but they actually appreciate it.

Oh, my. I'm so glad you asked this question. So here's the thing. And I love that men are in here too. Both genders have responsibility and approachability, right? It's not just the man's job to go up to the woman. The woman has to be receptive and open to be approached, right? So it's turning your cab light on, it's saying hi.

It's not there for a minute. I want you guys to hear that. Because there's like, a lot of times it's so easy to kind of like close up because you're scared of like, what's happening. And so it's easy to not be open to that. But what you're saying is like, the more like, open you are, and that's the more approachable you are too.

And. And believe it or not, 93% of it is your body language. Because you could say in your mind, oh, I'm so open to having a guy approach me. But then your body language says otherwise. Or maybe it's the clothes, you know, like whatever that is. I remember I was working with this woman and I do wing girl sessions, right? So I'll go out in the field and I help people. Yeah, yeah, I'm serious. Well, and. And I used to do it more back in the day, but now that I'm doing more like these retreats and worksh. Not. I know not everyone fly to LA to work with me, but if you are someone who can do that, like, that's the best. And so I kind of tell people, I'm like, Hitch meets what not to wear. If you know those references. And so we go shopping and then we go flirting and this woman says to me, she's like, kimmy, I don't understand. Like, I. I am so ready to meet someone. I put myself out there. I've done all this work on myself, yet no guy approaches me. So then I pick her up and she shows up. I'm like, well, no wonder guys aren't approaching. She's like, why, what's wrong? I said, well, first of all, can I say the word bitch here? No. Well, she had had the RBF on, which is resting bitch based. Now, I didn't make this, by the way. By the way, men, I believe, has it too. I made up the resting grimace face because men have like, grumpy faces, right? Yeah, but I didn't make this up. I mean, this was on cnn. Like, there's an epidemic happening right now where we're just a bunch of frowny faces that we're trying to be bitchy. But just like you said, we're busy. We're thinking a lot. Like, we don't realize what's written on the face. And she had the RBF big time. And she had the closed off body language like this. She was wearing a turtleneck that, like, totally closed her off. Big clothes. I'm like, you're just not open. You're not approachable. So we got her some new clothes and we opened up this part because this part of a woman actually is a very, like, sensual part. And it also. There's an openness that goes with it that men get drawn to. And so there's these little tricks too, that I like to teach in the way that women dress. And of course, we put some color on her because there's definitely colors that attract men and there's colors that attract women too. So I will. I will also say there's little tips around that. But then we just practice smiling. Like, we literally went from place to place. It's like, smile, just smile. And it was like, oh, my God.

Like, people are asking, like, what do I say? What do I say? That's like a really good starting place is just to go to these places and just smile.

Just smile. Like, don't worry about what's next. Don't worry about what to say. And again, like, if you come to the workshop, I do go through a little trick of, you know, just kind of the entry, the initiation piece is always the hardest for a lot of people. It's like, how do I start? How do I break the ice? But again, the best conversations, the most interesting interactions are ones that really are nonsensical. I'll give you an example. So there was a woman that I was coaching to, and she's like, well, I have no problem talking to guys I'm not attracted to. But when there's a guy that I'm attracted to, I freeze up and I don't know what to say. I mean, that's what 99% of human beings, of course we're gonna. Because there's more expectation around it, right? So who sits next to her but this gorgeous guy that she thought was really handsome. And she turns to me and she's like, oh, my God, Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy. What do I say? What do I say? What? I said. And I said, okay, stop thinking about what to say. What's in your head? What are you noticing around you? So that. That's one thing that I will tell all of you is get really, like. Like kids, just get curious about what's around you, you know, because when you do that again, you. It puts you in that kind of, like, curiosity state. Playful state.

Yeah.

And so she's like, well, it has nothing to do with him. I said, great. What. What's. What's in your head? She's like, well, I was looking at that window over there, and it's la. And she's like, I thought it was raining, which I thought was weird for la, but it was stained glass. It wasn't really raining. I said, just say that. That's perfect. Love it. She's like, but that's not witty or charming or. I said, no, that's fantastic. You're just like, saying kind of this cute little thing. He'll love it. And just smile and says that. And he looks over at the window, he's like, you know, I've been coming here for years and I never noticed that. That's really funny. It was simple. Yeah. It wasn't anything like, hey, like. And if you're a guy, I always tell guys, don't do lines. Don't memorize a bunch of fabricated things, because it comes across as inauthentic. So what we all get drawn to is authenticity and likability. Like, it's. It really is. It's not even what you say in words of facts. It's more about the feeling that gets solicited in that interaction. Let me say that again. It's not about the facts. Feelings of why people want to move on with you. And that carries on the conversation. This is something that I work on a lot with the conversation.

I think this brings up a good point for this question with the authenticity. So someone had said, how can I be sexy being a tomboy? Most of my friends want me to stop, but then I'm not being authentic. I'm actually nervous being in public because my friends are in my head.

Oh, oh, my God. Well, I would so love to help you. I've worked with a lot of women who call themselves tomboys, you know, and, you know, for me, because I'm a therapist, I think it's really important to understand your story around that. Right. So it's not this, like, oh, here's a cookie cutter approach that'll just, boom, help you be more feminine. And because that's. I Don't know your journey and really what your story is like. I worked with a woman who. She called herself a tomboy. And then she said her two sisters were the pretty ones. This is what she told me. And actually, I have a beautiful before and after picture that I always share with people. So she was dressing kind of like a tomboy, and she's like, you know what? I'm the smart one. I said, well, where's that coming from? And you realize you can be sexy and smart at the same time. You realize that? And she's like, well, no, you know, because my sister's got all the attention for being pretty. But I. I needed to be the responsible one. So she had this story in her head around what a sexy woman looks and acts like, and she was worried that she was giving up her identity by becoming like her sisters, that people would receive respect, her, you know, intelligence. It was. It was really interesting. So I had to debunk that myth. And the best way to do that, like, hey, if I was a therapist not doing what I do, maybe I would sit down with her and do a little cognitive therapy and shift the paradigm. I'm like, no, that's not what she needs. She needs to look in the mirror and see the sexy moment. So we went shopping, and I got her this beautiful. Like, that. It still was her. I didn't put her in this, like, foofy, frilly, girly dress because that wasn't her. Like, her vibe was more like, okay, I still want to be a little bit kind of cool and coy. So we had this blouse that was a little bit more, like, structured. That was her, but it was, like, a satin pink. It was really kind of cool, like, the. The subtlety of it. And then I put her in these, like, really cool jeans that had some, like, coated aspect to it, so it looked a little bit like leather. And she was rocking, and it was her. Like, it was really owning her.

Yeah, I love that.

Yeah. So, again, it's not about changing who you are. Everybody. I really want you to get this. It's about marketing yourself so that somebody gets to know who you are. And if there are some things about you, it's not about being a tomboy or not that, like, I would put that label aside. I would look at just aspects of you that might be causing barriers for you to be approached, for you to, you know, attract whatever it is that you're wanting. And that's where we work. Forget the labels. It's like, well, maybe it's new hairdo. Maybe it's color. Maybe it's just smiling, you know, like, it's stuff like that that can really move.

Yeah, I love that. And there's something else, too. When you are intentionally dressing like that, you're. You're changing your whole energy. Like, even that night, I went to the comedy thing, and I. I had just traveled. I came back from Texas, and as soon as I put that outfit on, like, I was, like, alive. Right? And so, like, when they're. Then when you're able to, like, go out, you're coming from a whole different place, too, I think.

Completely. Completely. I'll. I'd love to share a story, and hopefully this is an inspirational one for all of you. It's kind of like all of what we're talking about in ways of sexy, content confidence that I worked with this woman. She called me up, oh, gosh, this is a couple of years ago. And she said, kimmy, I haven't dated in 20 years. I don't even know what. I don't know where to start. And she said that she was scared. And here's the thing. And you all might know this, given how much time has gone on, but the more time that goes on, the harder it is to get out there, right? It becomes a rabbit hole. And she. She just was working and taking care of her kids. That was her life. But her kids were grown. They were out of the house. She's like, I got to do something for me now. And so she came and we did an intensive together. She did some of my workshops. Like, she slowly kind of got into it, where. Then we were at the point where we were meeting, and I realized, because I always like to take a good history as a therapist, I want to understand people's story. I realized how much she was giving her power away. She was married to a narcissist. And like you were saying, her voice was, like, really shut down and think she was good enough and all these things and conversations. So I. We had to work on her to stop apologizing, like, because she kept saying sorry to everything. I'm like, there's no sorry, you know, to anything. So. But then the first thing we did was go shopping, and we. We go to where the department store is, and she looks up at the. The mannequins, and she just starts bawling. I'm like, what's going on? And she's like, well, I didn't tell you something. I said, what's that? She's like, well, I've cover all my mirrors. I Haven't looked at myself in the mirror in 10 years. And I'm like, I'm so glad you told me that. She's like, yeah, I hate the way I look. I just can't look at myself. And I. And again, like, if I was a therapist, maybe sitting down and talking, and she. She needed an intervention where she really saw herself. And I said, I'm so glad you told me, but I just want you to do two things for me. I want you to put on this cool jacket and this pair of boots, and I want you to twirl around and just give me five seconds in the mirror. Let's just start with five seconds. And she's, like, hyperventilating, and she's putting on, and she twirls around and she looks in the mirror. It's like, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. Like, she just. And the tears are streaming out. But this time it was tears of joy. I said, what's up? She's like, I've never seen myself so beautiful. And now we're both crying, right? Like, chills. Chill. And I created a monster, quite honestly, after. Because after it was this, like, breakthrough, and she was skipping through the store. She was trying on clothes with the door open. This is a woman who had, like, body shame. And she just. She just felt empowered, enlightened. And from that moment on, like, we did a photo shoot.

Like, we.

You know, she saw our stuff, we put up new pictures online. Everything was a domino effect. And she ended up meeting this fantastic guy, and they're still together today. This was, like, years ago, but she had to go through the motions, and she had to start with taking that small action. Right? Like, I want all of you to really feel that it just starts with one thing. One thing.

Yeah. And it's like, at any moment, you can start, right? Like, at any moment. And I'd love. So the timing of your of this live has been amazing because the holidays are coming up, right? And the new year is coming up, and so. And I love that your flirting workshop is next week. Do you mind just sharing a little bit more about that in case they're interested and joining you there?

Oh, my gosh. Yes. Thank you so much for just, you know, first of all, having me and offering this to your audience, because that's. That's my. My hope is that I can just spread the love and. And build communities like you have so beautifully. Like, I just want to commend you. Like, everyone just give you a huge shout out. Stacy, for just doing what you're doing right now because, I mean, we all need each other, right? And this is. This is why we're here. And so the workshop that I have coming up, it's a co ed, it's interactive, very, like, easy to sign up. It's just for one hour. And it's called Flirting Made Easy. So if you're thinking it's hard, hopefully in one hour you won't feel like it's so hard anymore. And I go through my kind of magic formula and helping you think about how to get out there and flirt. And if you upgrade to the VIP package after that one hour, you get to go into a VIP room with me and we actually interact and we do an activity together to practice this stuff. And that's the fun part. And then it's a really great way of just getting started. So definitely check out the QR code is right there. And I'm sure you'll have a link for people who are watching the replay as well.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, we'll send the link. And yeah, I love that and I love the timing of it. I love it for dating, and I love it for everything because you're really teaching people how to just tap into that curiosity of life, you know, and be able to. Then it's like this magnetized the six sexy confidence. I'll use your language. I love that so much. Which helps you do the thing and whatever you want to do.

Well, and not only that, you know, I think another word that comes to me with all of this that we're talking about is a letting go. You know, I think after we've been through a lot of hurt and trauma, we might, you know, go on these dating apps or we move into the world and we're vetting people so hard in fear of not getting hurt. You know, there's kind of a protection shell that. That comes, you know, and my black clothes definitely was my protection mechanism, you know, because I was scared. I was really scared. And so what are some things that you can do to just make some dents in that, like, armor that you might have on to allow yourself to let go and just be. And not worry about what's next or be kind of bogged down from the past, but can you be right here in that moment and when you do let go and have fun? Oh, my God, dating is so much fun, y'. All. I just want, like, that's my goal, is to have flirting and dating be fun for you. And once you start getting that positivity, mindset and abundance mindset. That's when you start attracting the light. It's like clockwork.

Amazing. Okay, last thing. I'd love you to just share what, like, would be something good for them to do tomorrow. Just one thing.

Okay, one thing. Well, first of all, I just want to reiterate. Start small. Don't think about, oh, I'm just gonna go out and flirt tomorrow, or I'm gonna just go online. Like, pick one small, actionable step towards that. That. Right? So let's say it is flirting. I would love for both, all of. Well, all of you to maybe just notice who's noticing you. Go out into the world, look around, get out of that tunnel vision, and just see who's actually noticing you. Because half the battle, like, we're in our, like, the vision of us. We're, like, inward, right? Like, we don't see. See the openings that are around us and just start there. Because when you do that, then you create opportunity to connect with someone who's right in front of you that you probably haven't seen before. So I challenge all of you to do that and then tell Stacy how. What. What happens from there. I love that. Yeah.

That is so good. All right, well, thank you so much for doing this. I really appreciate. I know everyone here appreciates it as well.

Well, thank you so, so much for having me. I'd love to come back anytime. Like, I. Look how interactive your group is too. I love that you guys are chatting because that gives support to one another. Yeah.

Amazing. Yeah, it's like the. It's like this peer to peer mentor inside the group where everyone is able to support each other in such a beautiful way. And thank you guys so much for joining. I. Yeah. I just can't thank you enough for being here and supporting this whole process. So thank you, Kimmy. I appreciate it.

Thank you. And you can find me anywhere. If anyone has questions, I'm on all the socials. And by the way, it's K I M Y.

Okay.

Yeah, Kimmy. And that's all my social handles. So you can, like, find me everywhere. And my podcast, of course, Charisma quotient. And I'll have to have you on my podcast, Stacy.

Amazing. I would love it, guys. And do the thing. Don't wait for opportunity. Create it. Bye, guys.