Melissa Beckham Became a Voice of Support for Caregivers—Without Waiting to Be an Expert

Hey, everyone.

Welcome to the do the thing podcast. This is your host, Stacy Lauren. Well, I'm so excited because, oh, my gosh. I got to put my find your voice challenge in the modern Prairie community with Laura Carney, who we first did the bucket list challenge, and then after that, we actually got to put the find your voice challenge in there. And it's been amazing to get to meet so many just amazing people that have been in that community and that are showing up and sharing their voice and getting to know themselves and really getting back into who they are, which, as you guys know, that's been part of my story throughout this whole thing. And so I love getting to see that involvement, and I'm so excited to welcome my next guest who was part of that challenge. And she actually both of those challenges, and she even started her podcast through it and is kind of going through that process, which has been really fun. And so I'm really looking forward to hearing her story and what she is up to. So I am welcoming Melissa Buckham to the show.

Hey, Melissa. Hello.

How are you?

I'm good. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm getting used to the camera thing, so it's a new thing that I'm trying to push myself out of my comfort zone with. And I just did an interview today with one of the modern prairie ladies on my podcast that I've got to learn how to upload and all that kind of stuff, and that was very enjoyable. I've done one with Kim, and I'm going to be doing others. I'm slowly getting into it so I can learn it. Never thought I wanted to do a podcast, so I did the first thing with the bucket list with Laura and you, and one of the things on the Bucket List was to go on a podcast, and I went on G. Lee Trainer's podcast, and it sparked something in me, and that's what I love so much about Modern Prairie and these dares and stuff like that. It makes you think where you want to go with the rest of your life. Everybody thinks at this age, your life starts to slow down, and that's not true. It keeps going and you keep growing. And that's what I've learned through all the challenges and doing the podcast. It just. It sparked something in me to make me want to do a podcast. And then you did the dare, and the second thing where they come on my podcast, and that's what I'm working on now, and it's been very interesting. I met a lot of wonderful people and there's a lot of things that we have in common that we didn't realize. There's journeys that we all share that. That we didn't know we were sharing. And it's just been an amazing journey.

By you saying you didn't even know you wanted to start a podcast, and then you going on Julie's podcast and realizing that you liked it. Right. And then you wanted to start your own, and now you're the podcast that's encouraging and inspiring other people to either start one or go on one and really share more of ourselves and more of our story.

Yeah. And I've thought about, as well as just kind of branching out with not just the podcast, but I've been thinking about either starting a Facebook page or talking to Nicole or Brittany about starting a group in Modern Prairie just for supportiveness, for caregiving. Because caregiving, my podcast, is my caregiving journey. And so I want it to be kind of a support group where people can go and know that they're not the only ones going through what we go through as caregivers. And if they have any questions, there can be people in there that can answer those questions. I would kind of like to have it as a group, because we've got a lot of nurses and health care people in Modern Prairie that would love to help other people, give them pointers, and I would like to get that all in one group where we can involve everybody and post the questions and post the frustrations, because it's not. It's a blessing. Caregiving is a very big blessing, but it's also challenging, and everybody needs to know that they're not the only one. They're not an awful person. Fulfilling, frustrated, and challenged in that time. It's okay to feel that way, but here's how you can work through it. And my husband and I were talking about it last night. He said we could even add to your podcast and do a caregiver supporter, where spouses support spouses while they're caregiving for their parents. And he said that's just as important as being a caregiver is being a supporter of a caregiver. And we both did, on both sides of that fence. So that's just how it grew from. Because Julie's was the hidden gifts of loss. And how caregiving come out of that, I don't know. But that's what I mainly talked about, was the blessings that I had from caregiving, helping me through the loss of my father. Because when you're a caregiver, you know that you've done all you can do, and you were there for your parent or whoever you're doing the caregiving for. And it don't make the pain go away. The feel of loss is still there, but it gives you more relief. It gives you a way of coping with it better, because, you know, you were there during the whole time. And we're helping them through that. That's kind of the message I want to get out, and I want people to know that they're not alone. And that's what Veronica was saying today. She said she had to do it all by herself. She didn't have any kind of support. And I said, yeah, that's why I wanted to start the podcast, and that's why I wanted to start a group for a support system, just to get it out there where people know that they're not alone.

It's so amazing. And that's one of the things that I love about what Modern Prairie is doing, is they actually want the members to create groups within the app, which is amazing, because now you're getting to help people through your own experience. And like you said, be able to really give them the support, be able to have them ask for help by someone who's been there, done that. Right. So you're basically doing the my people version of it, where you're connecting them to that.

So you. You and Laura kind of opened up that whole thing. That wasn't even a thing to me. I mean, I've heard people talk about podcasts, and I've watched podcasts. I'm like, that's not something I would do. And then y' all made it. You have a voice, and it. It counts, and it means something. And I talked to you about the thing that worried me the most about starting a podcast is people would think I was a professional caregiver, and I'm not. I've just had the experience. Every patient is different. But you assured me, no, that is not what it is. They will know that you're just speaking from experience. And I forget the doctor that was on that with us.

Oh, Dr. Nancy DeAndrade.

Yeah, she said that very same thing. She said, no, they're not gonna be looking at you as a professional, because you will. You're saying, this is my caregiving journey. This is what I went through. And everybody goes through a different type of caregiving journey.

Yeah. And I think there's so many people that get stuck in that thinking that they need the certification or they need the doctorate or they need whatever it is. That they think they need to be able to share their experience and be able to help other people. And what I've found in my experience is that it is based on your own experience. That's how you're able to connect to people more. Because a lot of times when you're learning from someone that's so far removed from it, they forget what it was like. Right. Whereas if you're two steps ahead now, you're able to really speak to people from a place of understanding and being able to really help them in the biggest way.

Yeah. And I mean, I talked about going into healthcare after I took care of my dad, and it's a real funny story. I told this on one of the other Facebook Stand up and stand out or something like that.

Oh, yeah.

They're the one that actually helped me come up with the name for the podcast. But I was telling them it was funny that I wanted to go into nursing and my husband, he loves me and he will support me in anything I do. But he said, I'm going to play the devil's advocate here. He said, if you go into nursing, the first time you see somebody mistreating a patient, he said, I'll be bailing you out of jail because you will go off on him before you realize what you're doing. And I said, okay, well, then how about patient advocacy so I can go in and help the patients understand what the doctors are telling them and what their best choices are. He said, playing the devil's advocate again. He said, yeah, well, you're not going to just be fighting the system. You're going to be fighting families then. So I'll be bailing you out of jail. Vmt. But I think this podcast gives me the perfect opportunity to help people the way I feel like I need to. And I won't be wanting to hurt them because they're not doing what they're supposed to do. You know what I'm saying? Told us it'll be more of a I'm here to help, I'm here to listen, I'm here to. But I'm not telling you what to do. I'm here just to offer support type thing.

Yeah. So for anyone listening, it's like what you mentioned in the beginning, right. Where you're wanting. You're actually going out of your comfort zone and having these opportunities to be more visible. Right. Even be on camera and things like that. And I was just wondering, when did that kind of goal start and what are you thinking you're excited about with being Able to be able to put yourself out there more, actually being able.

To help people, being able to find my people and help them the way that you helped us. Pay it forward. It started with those challenges. I really had to think on the bucket list. I thought, I've never thought of what I want to do. I mean, yeah, I want to move out in the country, I want to live off bridge, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But really making a bucket list and checking things off, how to get to that goal of where I want to be, it making me think, making me step out of that comfort zone then. And then when you got to where you chat, the find your voice challenge and the podcast idea got in there, I mean, that all happened just recently. I didn't never see myself doing that when I was younger. I saw myself as possibly writing, but as far as being public and being on camera and stuff like that, I never thought of me that way. And it just. I've grown quite a bit just in the last year doing both of those challenges. And I try to do as many of your podcasts or your zooms as I can, but my work schedule has been crazy because I'm working retail and Christmas was just crazy. So now I'm trying to start my new year as part of my bucket list. Instead of putting my career first and family and other things on the back burner, I started the new year wanting to put my family, myself on the front burner and put my work on the back burner. Just it be work, not be my life. And that way I can devote more time to my family and to doing what I want to do here as far as podcasting and stuff like that. And luckily I had a techie son, so he's going to help me try to figure some of this stuff out, I think while we just get him to be patient enough with me.

What do you get out of the podcasting and the dares? What has that felt like for you, being a part of that experience?

Growing, just growing. Growing in myself, growing in my community, growing with each step. It has helped me find my voice and realize that what I say is important. It does help people and just it opened up more possibilities in my mind than I thought it would. The writing a book still may happen. Not sure, but maybe someday. Because I used to have a passion for writing. I used to write in journals and I haven't. I keep hitting hiccups on doing my journal right now. That's something I need to make. That's one of my taking care of myself. Things that I'm wanting to try to work on this year to grow even more. The things that you've taught me, the things that I've learned from Laura and the things I've learned from the whole community of Monter Prairie. And it's just, you have to take care of yourself, too. And just because I'm almost 60 doesn't mean that I have to stop like everybody thinks you do. And I learned that early on, too, with my grandmother. She lived till she was 96, and she didn't stop working till she was 95. So I learned that early. But it just came more to fruition when I started doing the challenges.

Wow. Yeah. It's like you get to almost reimagine what you want for your life, right. Where a lot of people may not even understand. They think it's time to sit on the couch, right? And you're like, wait, no, I got so much I want to do and explore. And then I loved what you said about seeing what you say helps people.

Right.

Because that's when you're able to really get out of your own way, is when it helps you first, because you're getting to explore these conversations with other people, which makes you feel not alone. It makes you feel connected. But then through that conversation, now that's helping someone that might be at the beginning of their own journey.

Right. And I know that it's part of my calling to do that. I went into retail because I could help people in things if they were looking for things specific. And I connect with my customers, but that's different this way. I know I'm making a huge difference because there are so many people out there that feel that they are alone and they're not. And they can have a voice, just like I do. And just like you do, they can speak and they can say what they're feeling, and they can say what they're needing. And it's okay to ask one of my main things. When I was helping my dad, I would talk to some of the patients, families, and I would say, you've got to ask questions. You got to ask questions. If you do not ask questions, they're not going to give you all the information you need to do the best thing for your. Whoever you're taking care of. And that was a major thing. And if I couldn't get answers from one doctor, I'd say, okay, give me an appointment with this one, because I know he'll give me an answer. And I would go home, do research, and I would Research, everything. I didn't understand that, he said. And then I go back with 100 more questions. And it's okay to ask questions. You got to. And that is one of the biggest lessons I learned during that time is you got to ask questions to advocate for your person that you're caregiving for. And I didn't feel alone because I had my husband's support, but I felt alone in some of it because it was on me to make that decision. And that was scary for me. And I don't want somebody else to have that fear as well, because they have nobody at all to talk to. And that has helped me grow as a person as well, because I allow myself to put myself in their shoes and remember kind of where I come from to know where maybe they need to be pushed in the right direction on where they need to go and what they need to do. And research is a big thing. And just like I said, getting in Modern Prairie, getting in and meeting all these people and meeting you and Laura and all that, it's just. It's been an amazing experience. And I've met Julie through you. I met. I've met several Vicki through you. And it's just. It's made me think, hey, there's more out there. I don't have to just stop at my job. There's more out there. There's more that can be done and there's more that needs to be done and I can be a part of that.

And yeah, I'd love you to share more about your caregiving journey and what that's been like for you.

With my mom, it started when I was really young. We took care of my grandparents. So I've been raised to. You take care of your own. That's the way I've been raised. With my mom, it was a lot different than when my dad. My mom was sick on and off most of her life that I can remember. But I mean, there was good and bad. She didn't have to have a caregiver for most of that. Towards the end, she did have to have a caregiver and I did some of it. And then daddy was. I get being a control fanatic from him. He decided he was going to take over the last little bit of her Covid. Then when she passed, I started taking care of dad and he didn't have a whole lot of health issues for a few years. But then as he got older, he got more. He had a couple of strokes. And like I said, the thing that I learned, number one, I Learned you have to ask questions and you have to do your own research. You can't just take what they say as face value. I had an excellent team of doctors, but it took me a little bit to get there. After daddy's second stroke, I kept saying he had a disorder where he had clotting in his legs. And I kept asking them, is that what caused the stroke? Did one of them break loose and go and cause the stroke? They never would answer my questions. I kept talking to the hospitalist cardiologist. He never would answer the questions. And finally, when daddy got discharged and we went for the follow up to the cardiologist clinic and I met a doctor there, the head doctor, he asked me the same questions I was asking his hospitalist. And I told him straight up, I said, well, I asked your ostilos those same questions. And he wouldn't give me an answer. And he said, well, okay, we're going to find out the answers to those questions. And so he was my go to doctor. If I couldn't get something taken care of, Daddy fell and broke his hip. That's how he ended up in the nursing home, because we was just going there for rehabilitation and then you end up with a wound and having to stay. But to get to that point, Dr. Cordwell was my doctor that I went to if I couldn't get them to listen. And he was a cardiologist, but he was also, he took care of the whole body. He was that kind of doctor. He said, your heart is a major organ that you need to take care of, but in order to take care of it, you need to take care of everything else. And he was the one that would answer all my questions. And also I learned the hard way that they give you the worst case scenario whether you're there or not. And I learned to ask, okay, this is the worst case scenario. Where are we from that and how can we keep from getting there? And all the doctors. I had Daddy's nursing home doctor, his second one. The first one, I got fired. The second one, he came to me because we ended up having to make some decisions on daddy's legs because he was diabetic. And he came to me and he knew I was wrestling with that decision because daddy was in and out of being lucid where he could make the decision on his own. And we had already signed the power of attorney and everything. But anyway, he looked at me and he said, melissa, I had never seen anybody advocate for a parent as much as you have for your dad. And he said, if you do not do this for a living. He said, there's going to be a major loss out there because you need. He said, I've never seen anybody take care of anybody like you have your dad. And he said, I hope my daughter will do the same. I said, well, she don't just call me. I will. But, I mean, that was my caregiving journey with Daddy. We had a lot of infections. I had a lot of questions. I had good doctors that I asked questions to. They tried to force me to put him on hospice sooner than he needed to be. And I followed him on that. I told him, I said, no, I'll know when it's time. And I did. I mean, I knew the day, and that was a hard day, but it wasn't as hard as it would have been if I hadn't been there the whole time taking care of it. And that's what the blessing is for being a caregiver is when you know that you've done everything and you can let them go. I had to physically tell Daddy he could go home. And when we had Darrell's dad over here in the hospice, Darryl was having a hard time dealing with it, but he was doing it. He was with him during all this care, through his cancer treatments and all that, and had to be the one to go and tell him, it's time for you to go in there and say goodbye to your back. And I had to be there to support him and his mom and his brother through that. And we supported each other through the whole thing. It was. What we were raised to do, was take care of our parents and each other. And he had a harder time with the caregiving than I did, because the cancer, they thought they got it, and then they didn't. And then he had to go through several different treatments, radiation and chemo and everything. It was a hard battle for him, but he and his dad got really, really close, and they had some really, really precious memories that they got to share and laughs and. And stuff like that. And he would have his times where he would just go down. And I'd say, you take a break. I know how to take care of dad. I'll take care of him. Take a break, take a breather. Then we'll go from there. So it's crucial to have a good support system, and it's crucial to have good doctors, and it's crucial to ask questions.

Yeah, it's so amazing what you've done, because, number one, I just want to tell you, I see you and what you're doing. It's amazing. And I also want to really help the people listening on how they could take what you've done and be able to use it themselves. Because you're right, the asking for questions is so important, but it also takes so much courage. Right. Because there's also the people that are like, I'm the expert. I'm going to know everything. And so there's this level of fear that can come up when you're wanting to question people. And so I'd love to just get any advice for people that might be going through anything even remotely similar to what you shared and how they can kind of find their own way with this, too.

I would say the generation that we're dealing with right now, my daddy's generation, they were generations who thought whatever the doctor said was gospel. You have to be that person that says, no, it's not. Let's go research it and find out if it's the right decision. It is scary, but you are paying those doctors to do a job. You're paying their fee, and they need to do what? Just like I get paid to take care of customers. That is my job. This is their job. This is what they were trained to do. And I've literally chased doctors down the hall that didn't. They wanted to brush me off and said, no, no, no, no, wait a minute. You're going to make me understand this so I can help my dad or my mom. And there are doctors out there, too, that they think you're just coming in. If you go to the er. They think you're just coming in just for pain meds or whatever. No, tell them no, that's not what I want. Pain meds, yeah, we may have to have them, but I want to know what's causing the pain first. You need to make a diagnosis first. What is your diagnosis? What's causing this pain? Where? Why are we here? And it's okay to ask those questions that I just. I want people to know that. Because we came from a generation that thinks, yeah, whatever the doctor says is gospel. It's not. They're not gods. They're doctors. They're humans, just like you and me. They had to learn it, then teach me so I can give the best care. And do your research. Do your research. If you don't understand what the doctor is telling you, Google it. Go to WebMD, go to Mayo Clinic. Go to Google it. Then look at reputable places that you can go to to sift through the information, because there's hacks out There as well, that they'll give you any kind of answer you want to hear. But there are reputable websites that you can go to, and you will, when you Google something, it will bring up all those websites that you need to go and just go to them and read what the information is that they're giving you and then deduce from what that information is and figure out what you need to know and what questions you need to ask.

What does it feel like to know that you've gone through so much, right, to learn what you've learned and now you're able to give other people a shortcut just by saying what we've just said in this interview? I feel like there's so much value in everything that you've shared, and I'm just like, this is years, maybe even decades of experience that now you're able to give someone and they could just have this shortcut. I'm just curious how that feels for you.

Like a blessing. Like a blessing that I can help somebody take that shortcut. It makes me feel like I'm doing what I should do, like I'm doing what I need to do, what I'm put here on earth to do.

And when you found Modern Prairie, how long ago was it?

A year ago.

A year.

Okay. Exactly. I saw that Laura's. Well, that's how I got into it on Instagram. I seen her campaign that she was put. She put out last year. And the 50th anniversary thing, it kind of just kind of drew me in. And when I got in there, it was like, where have you been all my life? The community is just so supportive and so wonderful because, like I said, with this caregiving, you're not alone. There are so many people that are in there that just. I mean, you get to know different cultures, different views, and we're all there for a common purpose. And it's. It's just. I don't know. I don't know how she did it, but it came at a time when this world really needed it.

Do you remember what your first event was that you went to? Right now, what I love is everyone's camera's on. On the zoom, and everyone's so engaging. And I know sometimes with communities, there's a gearing up process. I was just kind of curious what that was like for you.

I think of the first one I did. It was embracing the pause. I went on there, and that was the first one I did. And then I got to ask. I. I wouldn't get on camera I would type in my questions and stuff. And then I think the next one was where we did it was embracing the pause. I think there was two of them. I did a heart to heart and then the journaling with Kerry Wilt. They just started the book club and I missed the knitting circle, but I got the Syncret Garden and read it. I got into the book club and I started in the book club then and got into the journaling after that. And then the bucket list with Laura. I read her book and then did the bucket list challenge, and it just kind of just snowballed from there. I sign up for everyone, but I don't know what my schedule is going to be at work. So if I can't go, I'll go in and cancel because when my schedule comes out, I'll say, can't make it. Sorry. But that's why I like that they record them and I know how to get on the record zooms for them, but I can't find out how to get on my own recorded zoom.

Yeah, I wrote a note for myself. I'll send some instructions for you too. So you have that. I was also curious because just so you guys know, Melissa ran one of the cohorts for find you'd voice inside Modern Prairie. So she was. We were calling you guys. You guys were called the Trailblazers, which was so fun. And since you did the bucket list challenge, we then got to have you lead that. And I was curious how that felt for you being a part of that process.

That was scary at first, but I had a real, really good cohort with me, Rosa, and we just decided. We got on a zoom meeting before it all started and decided, okay, this is how we're going to do this. We're going to be supportive to this group of people that are under us and talk to them back and forth, but we're also going to be supportive in the group. And then we decided to rotate days. One day I would do the encouragement thing where I would go in and see, hey, have you done your challenge today? I haven't done mine. I'm. I'm still running late because I'm a. I would do the late night. I'm a night out, and that's when I get to sit down and distracted is at night. So I do every other day. She would do one and I would do one, and we would do encouraging for each other. It was fun doing that. It was scary, but it was fun. I mean, the only hiccup was we kept having to restart a Group. Because you couldn't add to the group.

Yeah.

And I think that's something they need to work on in there.

Instead of having to start.

I emailed. I emailed Nicole, but let me make a note too. Yeah.

And I think they're improving on that modern prairie every day. This. The modern prairie, I think, is just three years old. The website itself is just three years old. So they're working out the kinks as they go. And I noticed that that was one of the kinks, was you should in the messenger part of it. I think you should be able to share photos and I also think you should be able to add people to a group without having to start a whole new group.

I'd love to have you share what your number one piece of advice is for people on doing the thing.

Doing the thing. Go for it. Go for it. Because, I mean, hey, the biggest thing you could do is make a fool yourself. And I do that every day. So. And it helps you to grow and you need to grow. And it opens doors for you that you've never thought you would have opened before. So I would say it has opened a lot of doors from Nathan in my mind, because you think, you really think about what is really, truly important and it brings that to light and then it helps you to make that happen. And it's been an exciting, scary experience for me the whole time, but I'm loving every minute of it. I'm loving every minute I do the thing. That's what I just say, do the thing. Because it's an amazing experience all the way through. It's an amazing experience. You open up dreams that you had buried for so long and you say, hey, yeah, maybe I need to go back and do that. And helps you find your voice. Helps you know that your voice is being heard and that everybody's voice counts.

Wow. And please share with people that maybe aren't familiar with Modern Prairie. Maybe what you love. Let me. You shared what you love. But encourage them to join that community as well and who that would be good for.

It is a very supportive group of women, and it is strictly women. And it's a safe place for you to speak how you feel. And you won't get anything but major support. You don't get judged. You don't get humiliated. You get support. There's different groups in there. There is the journaling group. There is the Prairie pioneer group, the wellness group. There's dog lovers group. There is a heart to heart group. Continue Conversation group. A gardening group, recipe group. And it's growing every day. There's more groups being added on a daily basis. I mean, every time I hear something, there's a new thing popped up. The Zooms are great. They've got a tea group. They've got a where you just go and have sit and have tea and talk and play games. They have a game night. I think they haven't done it this year yet, but they will. Carrie Wilt does a journaling gym thing every day. She does a journaling gym zoom once a week, but she posts on the journaling site every day to give you encouragement and stuff like that. And I think she's about to put out a challenge as well. And it's fun. You get to laugh, you get to cry, you get to. You just get to be. And I feel like I found a whole world of sisters that I didn't know I had. It's just like being part of a big family. Melissa said there was going to be a lot going on this year. They concentrated on the 50th anniversary last year.

Oh, right.

So they're going to be coming into some different types of stuff and doing more crafting and quilting classes and all that type of thing, getting stuff going. They're all time coming up with something fun to do.

And please share how people can find you after they listen to this. What's the best way for them to hear your story and keep up with.

What you're doing right now? Modern Prairie or on Facebook. I am on Facebook as Melissa Beckham. You can email me at naturepeace2004, Yahoo and Modern Prairie. You can find me on modern prairie. I'm Nature Pace 2004 Melissa D.B. i think, or something like that because there's so many Melissa B's in there. I actually got mistaken for Melissa Gilbert one day and I said, I don't know who you think you're talking to, but I'm not Melissa Gilbert.

So funny. Well, thank you so much for coming on. This was amazing. I just am really grateful for you. I'm really grateful for how you show up and just the way that you really show up. So just from a service place and also knowing that you want to reach your goals, I just really, I really love it and I really appreciate having you. Part of my world, having a part of Modern Prairie, all the things, it's.

So great and I appreciate you. I love being part of your people.

Yay. All right, you guys, do the thing. Don't wait for opportunity. Create it. And hey guys, have you checked out my Facebook group yet go to do the thing collaboration dot com.