Renee Suzanne and Stacey Lauren talk about Dating

Excited because we have a dating expert with us. Renee Suzanne. We met at a recent event, and I got so lucky to be sitting next to her while we were eating dinner. And I was just like, oh, my gosh, we met for the perfect reason. And I'm going to have you introduce yourself in a minute, but I want to make sure everybody can see us that wants to see us. So let me pin it to the Facebook group here. Oh, I see us.

Yay.

That's exciting. We are there and everyone cool. For some reason, I have that. Hi, Wayne. Good to see you.

So great.

We are live with Renee Suzanne.

How to date.

Okay, perfect. Wonderful. Okay, so I'd love to just have you start off for everyone watching and basically just share who you are and what you do, and we'll kind of take it from there.

Okay, sure. Well, thank you so much for having me. I am Renee Suzanne. I am a dating coach for women over 40 who are looking to find someone to have a true connection with. And the reason that I do this work is because I really struggled for a long time with dating, and we are talking 20 years. I was a very slow learner. I made every mistake in the book at least once. I read every book on dating, I think, that was ever printed. I have a PhD in dating, if they existed. But I determined to figure out how to do this because I just really wanted it for myself. I was a single mom. I lost my husband in the late 90s, and I had four little kiddos and the job and the dog and the house and the long commute and all the crazy. And when the dust settled and I thought it would be nice to find someone and find love again. I just had a very rude awakening into the realities of the. The very beginnings of online dating, which was still kind of fringe at the time. And guys like running from the room practically when I told them I had kids and like all the things, and it was just awful. So I don't want anyone to have to go through that. It doesn't have to be that hard. And I love helping people understand how to date, to create what they really want instead of just showing up and hoping that something good happens to them. Yeah, it's.

It's so good to be able to have you come and talk to people because again, as most of the people in this group, and I think we're on YouTube and LinkedIn right now, so.

Hey.

But in the do the thing community, it's a private community. Mostly we're mixture of men and women, mostly women over 45, divorced, widowed. And, you know, it's just.

Where do.

The thing came up is trying to get people really to either be on a dating app and love it, you know, or get off the dating app and meet people in real life. And so it's like, either way is okay, but don't be on the dating app and hate it, you know? And I know that's something you teach as well, is how to, you know, love all that stuff. And so I wanted to really. Just let me. Let's say hi to people first. I forgot to show you where you. Where you can see the comments. Can you see them while we're.

Yes.

Oh, good. Okay, perfect. I'm just gonna say hi to you guys.

So.

Hi, Fern. Hi, Genevieve.

Hi, Allison.

You guys. Okay, cool. And Randy's seen it on LinkedIn. Very cool. Okay, awesome.

So.

Oh, and then I gotta. It's more crazy in online dating world now. Yeah. And so I'd love to just. And if you guys want, I'd love this to be interactive. So let us know if you have any questions for Renee and about dating in general. Is there anything that you want to know? I know one of the things that comes up a lot is there's no good blank, you know, out there.

Yes. Yes. And I used to think that, too. There are. The thing is. Yeah, I felt like it was a jungle, too. I totally get it. Here's the thing. It's. There are plenty of good people out there. The problem is they're mixed in with all the bad ones and all the scammers and all the weirdos and the catfishers and the guys who only want the one thing, and the girls who are just bored because their boyfriend annoyed them, and they're just messaging and flirting and wasting your time. Like, all of it. They're mixed in with all of the other people. So this is kind of like shopping at the biggest TJ Maxx ever. Like, looking for the one pair of whatever in your size. That is awesome. And it's so. It's true. It really can feel like all there is is scammers and catfishers and weirdos and people who are cheating on someone. And. And the truth is, yes, all of those people are out there, and. And the good people are mixed in with all of those people. So what you need to do is. Okay. And there's math to this. I'm kind of a math geek. I have a degree in finance, and so I'm going to get a little tiny bit mathy. But here's the thing. You have the general population. Let's just say for simplicity, there's like a hundred people on whatever platform you're on, and 80 of them are scammers, catfishers, awful people who kill kittens and just do terrible things. But there's 20 people who might be suitable, let's just say. And then you're, you've, you've got a slice and dice that. How many of them are within your geographic area? How many of them are looking for the same kind of relationship you are? How many of them are going to be attracted to you? How many of them are you going to be attracted to? How many of them are you going to be able to have a conversation with? How many of them are going to love your dog, your kid, your mother, your fish, whatever. So there's all of that. Then you've got the relationship material people, the good people that you're looking for who are in it to win it. They're serious about this. They posted that profile because they want to find someone and get into a relationship and get the heck off that app. They're not on there to be scrolling and doing whatever for the rest of their life, right? So at any given time, Maybe you've got 80 weirdos and 20 good people and you're gonna slice and dice it. Like I just said that, like a funnel that narrows as you go down. And then you've got the people who are in it to rent it, the relationship material. They are going to cycle through this as quickly as possible and get the heck off of this app. They're not on there to have, have whatever. They're not on there to stay there for five years and make sure that they get the whatever, whatever, whatever. By the way, staying on there five years is no guarantee of that. They are going to find someone that they like and good enough is good enough and get off of there and have a relationship with that person. So you're looking at, maybe they'll be on there for six months, maybe a year. Probably not, because they're not gonna be all Miss Picky Pants about la da da da da. Like, I had a client, like, seriously worked with her for four weeks. We wrote her profile, she found a guy she liked and she said, see you later. I don't need the rest of my sessions. I'm. I'm happy enough. That is, that's how you kind of need to be a little bit, because time is not necessarily your friend. We all know that dating does get harder as you get older, and so you just, you want to Find out what your priorities are. You want to make sure that you get, you're probably going to get, maybe if you're lucky, you're going to get between 75 and 90% of what you want. Make sure it's the right side. 75 to 90%. I don't want you to be super picky about like, how tall is this guy? And end up ruining everything. Like, you know, turning away really nice guys and ending up with a guy who's got seven other women. Right. So it really pays to have your priorities straight. Like what do I really need in order to have the kind of relationship I want? And what is like societal expectations? Like, hey, now that I'm over 35, now that I'm over 40, do. Does he really need to be 6ft tall? Does he really need to be making $300,000 a year? Or, or can I say, you know what, this guy's a decent guy. It's okay if he doesn't look like Brad Pitt. So you know what I'm saying? People get really selective about these things, which is fine. I want you to be picky about the right things and then you won't get taken by these scammers. And I'm going to tell you how to avoid getting taken by the scammers. Right?

Yeah. No, that's so good. I love what you said. That be picky about the right things because you're not making, you're not giving in just because you've decided to lessen that six foot expectation or whatever it is that you're, you know, changing. You're just expanding your mind to be more open so then you could be picky about the right things. Yeah. Someone had commented. Yeah, how do we sort, how do we sort them? I like, I love numbers. I love that you said that I'm a big numbers person and so like the whole 20 out of 100, because that kind of like lets you, I don't want to say detach from it, but like just not having an attachment to an outcome, you know, and so then you're not like as personally invested, you know, or exhausted when things don't work out.

Yeah, yeah. And, and the thing is, most of the time, statistically things aren't going to work out and there are a certain number of scammers, weirdos, cheaters, whateverness on these sites. Don't let that keep you from finding love. Please don't. Your person, I want you to picture this right now. Your person is out there sitting in his or her living room scrolling on the phone, hoping. Hoping to God you will show up. Because they're. They're lonesome, the holidays are coming. They want to meet a good person and cuddle up and, you know, have some Ben and Jerry's or a little glass of wine and just. Just like, have a wonderful human in their lives. They are looking for you. Don't be like, oh, there's nothing but scammers online. There are scammers. Are you going to let them stop you from finding love? Why would you do that? Please don't do that.

Definitely. Okay, so how do we sort them? I would love to hear that. So we're putting them through the funnel.

Okay. I want you to write an amazing profile. Do not be lazy about this. I want you to write.

Could we talk in both ways? So, like, for the people that are, like, so just so you know, so normally would do the thing. It's like no dating app rule. But I do say I am open if they. During challenges. Sorry, during a. And we don't have an active challenge right now, so this is perfect. So let me just frame it a little bit. So if you guys are open and you want to. For those of you that aren't on a dating app and you want. She's telling you what to do. And then we can also expand it if they don't want to be on an app too. Just kind of talking to both. Yeah.

All right, so here's. Here's my disclaimer on that. I'm gonna be a little tough lovey because I want you to find love. Okay. How long do you want to be single? I sat there hoping to meet someone in real life for, like, I don't know, at least seven years or something. Why would you do that? This is like refusing to get in a car and walk across the country in six inch heels with a cat. All right, if you refuse to use dating sites and apps, why would you do that? Please learn. You will like them. I promise you, when you are walking down the aisle to promise forever to be with the love of your life, you're not going to care where the heck you met them. I wasn't on my wedding day saying, damn it, I met him on Tinder. This sucks. I'm gonna send everybody home because this isn't worth it, you know? No. I met my husband on Tinder seven years ago. It wasn't all that long ago. And you can, too. Everybody who is single and even trying to meet someone is on a dating site or app. And I really want you to be too. That said, what can you do if you're not going to use these things? First of all, I should come to your house and yell at you, but I don't have time to come to all of your houses and yell at you. So please go out at least once a week to different places where there will be desirable people and talk to them. Make yourself known to them. Don't sit in the Corner with your 7 friends and complain that nobody walks up to you. Some people would rather be shot than walk up to a group of people and recognize there is a certain kind of person. I. I used to tell that, like, I asked my husband, I'm going to interview him on my podcast. So can I plug my podcast and tell people? Yeah, of course. Yeah. My podcast is called find love after 40 with Renee Suzanne. I want you to listen immediately if you would like to find someone. I'm going to interview my husband and one of the. Because I want people to get the male perspective. And one of the things I said to him, because I read these dating advice books and I would. I would get, this is so cute. Like, I was, like, really clueless. So I would get dialed up and walk around Home Depot hoping to talk to men, you know, because men go to Home Depot, right? So I. Nobody ever talked to me except the guys who work there and wondered, like, how they could get me out of there. So I said, would you have ever talked to me at Home Depot? He's like, God, no. Like, these nice guys that you want to meet, they are terrified to walk up to women. They don't know that you want to talk to them. They don't really even probably know that you're single. They are afraid that you're going to yell at them or call the police or post me too about them on Facebook or some garbage. Don't. Please don't wait for guys to come up and talk to you in real life. You will be, like 95 years old and come into workshops like this. Don't do it. But if you insist on not going on a dating site or app, you have to go out at least once a week and talk to people and not just sit there and wait for people to talk to you, because they're not going to. Okay? And even if they do, they're going to be the kind of people who walk up to strangers and talk to them, which it takes a certain kind of person to do that. No, I'm not pointing fingers. Everybody's got a certain kind of person that they want. But a really Nice relationship minded guy who is maybe a little shy but would really like to meet you is not coming up to you. Not in like 12 centuries is this guy ever going to come up to you? I never would have met my wonderful husband if I had insisted on doing that. So that's my caveat. So you have to go out every week. Please practice chatting people up in real life. So. So that the first time that you are talking to someone isn't going to be when you've got a lot on the line. So shut up the barista at Starbucks. Shut up the old guy behind you who has his, his wife with him or whatever. Like chat, chat with the young lady with the baby. Chat with your, you know, the person who looks like your grandma. And then when you've got some really interesting person that you want to try to chat with, you're not going to be like a deer in the headlights. So talk to people in real life. Go to at least one social event every week and just exercise that friendly muscle. And then, yes, please write a really good online dating profile and get on a dating site or app. Because one of five new relationships starts with an online introduction. That number is growing every day. And if you are serious about finding love, I want you to cut it out. You don't have to love it. Do you love brushing your teeth? No. Do you love doing your laundry? No. Do you love driving to work in the freezing cold and shoveling your water, like whatever? No. You do things you don't like all the time because you want the results. This is one of those things. So please do it because your person, I promise you, is like, when am I gonna meet them? I'm scared scrolling on this freaking app every day. Want to meet my person? So please show up for them. I would love for you to do that.

And let's answer this question because I think a few people have it. What's a good dating site that doesn't cost an arm and a leg?

I recommend always go for the big box sites. Okay. You want. I've heard good things about Facebook dating. Not just Facebook. Please don't take friend requests from random people on Facebook. They. These scammers are out there in droves. If you're hoping to meet somebody on Facebook, that's super legit. Go, go on Facebook dating. Don't answer friend requests from strange people on Facebook. It's. It's ridiculous how many scammers do that? So don't do that. Match.com. okay. Cupid. Plenty of fish. Bumble and Tinder. I always recommend and Facebook dating. OkCupid. I don't recommend for women over 40. I mean not OkCupid. OkCupid. I do. I'm sorry, eharmony is the one that I don't especially recommend. It's not an open search platform. They really control the algorithm on that. So you want to, you want to write a good profile and have good pictures and honestly I'm pretty sight and app agnostic. If you have a good profile, a good pictures show up on the thing with a good system of dating and keep at it, you're gonna find, you're gonna find people. So please be open minded about everything that isn't super important to you. Date people who are local and don't date anyone who won't call you on the phone or meet you within a week or two tops. That's where you get into trouble is with these long distance, long distance relationships and they are a lot of times scammers and they say, oh, I can't meet you because my goldfish broke his leg or whatever. Like no. If somebody can't meet you within two weeks, unmatch them and move on. And you want them to call you on the phone before a date. So that's so far.

Yeah. This is so good. So, so far we have. We're gonna think about our numbers. We're gonna like, let's just use the number 100. And we're just doing this as an experiment, you guys. And we're talking to 20 people and whether we want to meet someone in real life and you guys have skills to do that. Or you could try the dating app. It's the holidays. This could be a good time to check it out. Depending on what your schedule is. Like this for the next few months you're going if you're either way, either in person or on the dating app. I think it's the same way if they don't want to call or meet meet you within one week, then they're part of that 80. Right. That you don't want. So you can immediately discard them. I don't want to say discard. That sounds really bad. At least regulate whatever you want to call that.

Release them into the wild.

Release them to the wild. I love that. What do you think is like the next step? Like the. Okay, now, now let's say we, we. We've got, we've got one. We got.

Just kidding.

We met someone now what?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you want to. My rule, I'm not like super rulesy, but I do Believe it helps to have guidelines. So if you live in a well populated area, you can. I prefer that you find someone within it. Mileage really doesn't matter. Do they live within an hour to 90 minutes of you tops? If they don't, I don't care. I just don't care how wonderful they are. This is not going to happen. You're, it's, it's just logistically going to take too much effort for you to actually see each other enough to build a connection. And you don't know what the heck they're doing over there two hours from you. You don't know if they've got a wife, a kid, a dog, a mother in law. You don't know what they're doing over there. Do not get on planes, trains and all that to meet people. We don't do that. Okay. They, they live within 90 minutes of utops. They get on the phone with you. If you don't want to get, give out your phone number, please get a Google voice account and give them that. And then you can keep yourself safe and you can make that first date in a place that is convenient for you and you take your own transportation. You meet them at a public place and if you have an iPhone, you can either share your location with a person that you trust like your sister or your mom or whoever you don't mind sharing your location with. And then you can always check in with someone when you get home from that date.

I love that. Share your location. Okay, now we're on the date.

Yes, someone.

I wanted to just mention this one comment before we go on the date. Sorry. Someone said interview them over the phone first before you go out with them. The red flags will show up then. So I'd love to hear you speak to that in terms of when you're, when you're, when you're doing the phone call. Let's say we haven't met them yet and we're talking to them and I. Because here's the thing, like when you're looking for red flags, you're going to find them, right? And so it's that, that, that being able to like almost keep yourself open to whoever this person is so then you can like feel into their energy and not have this like blockade of just distressed up distrust. So with that, what does that phone call look like? You know, maybe we should do that first. So let's say we haven't met them yet, we're just talking to them on the phone. What does that look like?

Yeah, yeah. So, so Keep it brief on the phone. You don't really need to have a really super long heart to heart. Honestly, it says a lot that a person is willing to call your number and speak with you live on the phone. And by the way, okay, two things I want to say. Google voice. You could just google how to get a Google voice account. That's like Google is your friend. Please be resourceful and google all the things that, that you can Google. So you can, you can definitely get a Google Voice and you can Google how to do that. And we do not do WhatsApp. We do not download apps that people send us. We do not give out our email to strangers. He does not need, he or she does not need your email. They don't need any of your personal information. And you're definitely not going to download apps or click on links that they're sending you. You are going to give them your old school phone number or Google voice number and they are going to call it. And if they text you, you could say thanks so much for the text. I am not a huge texter, but I would love to chat and get to know you and hear your voice. So I'll look forward to speaking with you on the phone. Just something like that. And it really says something that somebody is willing to call you on the phone. So then you have like a nice easy, breezy chat. Please do not, you do not need to interrogate them. You can, you can just practice being a human. Like what would I say if I liked this person? Here's a person who took time out of his or her day to chat with me on the phone. So you can let down the guard a little bit. You don't have to have like a nine foot wall of death with snipers on top looking for those red flags so that you can like, don't do that because that's not fun for the, anyone not fun for you either. So have a nice chat. And after, I would say 15 to 20 minutes, 30 minutes tops, I hear about people having hour long chats with strangers on the phone. This is, we don't, don't need to do that. It gets kind of, you know, difficult and, and then everybody's busy, you're busy, they're busy, all the things. So have a nice easy, breezy chat. How's, how was your Thanksgiving? How was your Christmas? How about those red socks? Like, whatever. How about the bears? Aren't they getting killed every damn week? Who's watching them anymore? Right? Whatever. Just like if you like this person, what, what kind of conversation would you have? And then if they haven't invited you on a date by the end of, I would say 20 or 30 minutes at the very most, you can say, gee, it's been nice chatting with you. I need to go right now, but thanks so much for calling. And then at that point, they might be like, oh, wait a minute. I was so much fun talking to you. I. I'd love to do it again. Would you like to go grab a bite to eat sometime? Would you like to go get a cocktail after work? Whatever. Then you're in business. Then you meet in a public place, take your own transportation, share your location, or check in with someone when you get home. We don't bring anyone to our house. We don't go to anyone's house on first dates. I'm not your mother, your priest, your whatever. But I just don't like hearing about bad things happening to folks that bring people into their house on first dates that they don't know. So please be cautious. If you want to do crazy and wonderful things, there's plenty of time to do that later when you really know them.

So good. And then what happens? So someone said, what happens if they say they're going to call and then they call and it doesn't go through? So they have you. You call and then the messenger excuses as to the need a new phone but don't have, basically. Okay, cool.

So now plenty more guys. That's. Remember, 80%, okay? This is my fuzzy ballpark, only from 20 years of doing this. But, yeah, most of the people out there are, you know, whatever. But that's okay. You don't worry about them. So that just means you got a little wing nut. We release them into the wild and carry on. Yeah.

So good. And then what? I just realized there was one other one. Oh, this one. How long do you recommend waiting for a message response? Like an hour, a day, three days? You know, like where you're.

We're not waiting. We are going back on that app or that site and talking to more people. We are not waiting.

Okay?

We are just moving on with philosophy.

With the dating app is you're just talking to multiple people until you Basically.

Yeah, we talk to all the people until we have. I mean, time permitting, right? So we want to be judicious about this. I know that people, you know, this is not going to be your life. I recommend that my clients spend like maybe five hours a week on this stuff. Maybe 30 minutes, 20 to 30 minutes every night. You want to, you know, scroll through, check your messages, respond to anyone that might be interesting. Set aside some time to go on phone calls and actual dates, that sort of thing. So we're always moving on. You only have to go on, like, maybe a date or two every week, and that's somebody that you've already vetted on the phone. So you know that if you've gotten to the phone stage, you at least have a human who is willing to call you. And then if you have scheduled a date, then you have somebody who has actually scheduled a date with you. So, yeah, you're not really waiting for people here.

Yeah, I love that. And then you're. You're also. You have a low, low talent highlight. You're. You're totally comfortable unmatching the person, too, especially when it comes to a dating app, which is great.

Yes. And.

Okay, so now it's time for the date. So we're in a public space, I'm guessing. Is there, like, some mindset work they can do before the date just to kind of, like, be open, or is it just like a more kind of like. Like, how do you suggest they get ready for the date? You know?

Yeah. So. So here you're going on a date with a real human, and whatever happens, this is a real person who has taken time out of their day to spend some time with you. And so how would you act if you liked this person? This person who drove, however, you know, many miles to come and meet you and spend part of their day with you? If this was a friend. Okay, we know we're looking for more than friends, but pretend like you're meeting a friend. Like. Like had. Let's say you went somewhere and met an interesting person, like, at a conference. Like. Like, we met.

Yeah.

And. And let's say we lived within an hour of each other or something, and we met at a conference, and we're just. We're just gonna be friends. And I was like, hey, it was nice to meet you at the thing. Would you like to grab coffee sometime and. And chat? You know, because I think you're a cool person to hang out with. I wouldn't be, like, freaking out and being like, what do I say to Stacy? I would be like, I like Stacy. We chatted on the phone. We're just gonna have a nice little chat and get to know each other. And I'm so glad that Stacy's take the time out of her day to hang out with me for an hour or two, and that's it. So go in with that kind of mindset. But with that said, I want you to be screening this person for the kind of relationship you want to have. So I really recommend that you find a way to ask what kind of relationship they are looking for on this date. You are not there.

Yeah, I love that you're just going for it.

You are, you are. And, and this is, this is very. You don't have to like interrogate them. But, but the mindset work to get back to the mindset. Just to touch on that for a little bit is your mindset is. This is somebody that I like. I at least like them enough to take time out of my day to meet them. They at least like me enough to do this. Let's start with that. Let. Don't start with all this. Well, what the heck does they. What do they want? I mean, why are they here? And I don't. I'm gonna find something wrong with them if it kills me, like, no. So, but you want to find out what are they doing? Why are they on tinder or match.com, what is, what kind of connection are they hoping for? And the reason for this is because it's not 1950 anymore. There are so many different forms of relationship that are acceptable now. Some people, they're very nice people. People want what they want, and we don't change their minds. We just find out, do they want the same things that we do. We don't change their minds. We don't tell them they should want what we want. We don't say, yeah, that's fine, but you know, six months down the road, they're definitely going to change their mind. And what would I want? No, there's. There are lots of different things that people can want. We let them want what they want, but we find out what they want. And if they, if it's not a want match, it is peace out. Because we don't tell people what to want.

I love that. That's so good. So, okay, so we have our. We have our 100 people. We're using this as an example, you guys. But I love the numbers. But I just want to sum up because I see people are coming on now. So basically we're talking about dating and just releasing the, like, this one person. Is this, you know, bad thing? It's like, no, there's like a ton of people that we could select for. Because, yes, there are bad people, there are scammers, there are this. But there's also really great people. But if we don't actually, like, keep our minds open to who we're meeting then we're never going to find the great people. So if you look at like let's just use 100, Renee was saying use a hundred people as an example. Out of Those you'll find 20 people that you can explore basically to see if it's a good idea. And then from there you can either use a dating app or you could go in real life and meet people. And the first step is either a phone follow up or a meeting in public. And let's say you're doing the phone first. Don't do more than 30 minutes. And then if they don't ask you on a date or if you're not comfortable mentioning that, then you basically say thanks so much, nice talking to you. And that's the end of it. At that point they'll tell you if they want to meet you or if you decide you want to be direct and meet them and do the thing. And then from there you're going to a public place, you're sharing your location and then you're just treating it like you're just meeting an old friend. You're not putting up your guard and stiffening yourself up. You're just open and exploring as far as that. And then you're asking what kind of relationship do you want?

Yeah.

And you're putting it out there like that. And I think that's where we are right now.

Which is really cool.

Yeah.

I mean, and you don't ask it on the phone. Here's why. Because you want to see the body language. The body language is huge. You definitely want to see their response when you ask that question and you want to lean in and listen to what they say. And, and so that's why I believe it is better to ask that in person. So you can get the non verbal communication. You can see what the person's response is to that question and they will tell you the truth. Most people, they are going to tell you the truth because they, they don't want to lead you on and they don't have to. There's a million other people aren't going to ask them. They can, they can go do whatever.

I love that question. And then I wanted to respond to this person. I never go with anyone. I'm so afraid. So with the people that are scared because a lot of people in the group divorced, widowed. Right. And over 45 and just been really burnt. Right. And so that's a scary place to be. So how do we, how do we help?

So here's what I tell all of my Clients, the only person you ever have to trust is yourself. You can always, always have your own back. You can always keep yourself safe. So no matter what you have been through, and I know people have been through some things, and Lord knows I went through them. I'm telling you, 20 years out there single, wasn't nothing. So I get it. I know there's things that you can go through, and I know they hurt a lot. So, so here's the deal. You can keep yourself safe. You can always trust yourself. Whatever you went through, you made it through that, and you learned some things from it, hopefully. So you could think about, okay, what am I scared of? And this thing that I'm scared of, how would I respond if that thing happened? How would I know if maybe that thing is happening? Because the, because the thing is, you are here on this, this call tonight because you want something. You want to find a connection, even though you're scared, you're spending time with us here tonight. And so I, I just want to commend you for that because that means that you've, You're. It ain't over for you, right? You. You still want comments.

Put in the comments. For anyone that is scared, just. Just say what you're scared of. I think that will help too, because I fel. I want to be able to like tap into that also as well. And then someone else had asked. We'll go back there in a minute. But someone else had asked, what topics do you stay away from on the first date?

I would just keep the first date like you're having fun. Just have some fun. Definitely ask that first date question about what kind of relationships that they are looking for. I wouldn't be dragging out baggage like your ex or your boss who is psychotic, or maybe if you have a lot of health problems or you're about to get fired or file bankruptcy, or, you know, anything that you like. If you were going out with a new friend that you were just meeting, what topics would you stay away from? Most people know, you know, have a sense of what that might look like and as far as what you're scared of, Try this, Try writing a list. If we don't get to that question specifically tonight, here's what I have my clients do. Like, write a list of all the things that you are scared of and then write what you could do to protect yourself or help yourself if that situation were to present itself. Like, if you're scared to meet guys because you're afraid that you might be physically harmed, then you could say well, talk to them on the phone first. I will meet them in public places. I will take my own transportation. I will give them a Google voice number. I. You could do a background check on them if you want. You could ask for their last name and Google them. There are lots of things you could, like hire a hitman and have him sit at the next table. I mean, there are things you could do. I'm. I'm just. I know I'm poking a little, like I'm being a little silly with, but there are things that you can sell for. A lot of times our brains are wired to protect us from danger, and we're just freaking out all the time. But if you write a list of the things that you are actually afraid of, you can look at it and go, okay, there's five things I'm really afraid of here. Let's think reasonably and rationally about what we could do if any of these things happened. Would we live? Would. Could we solve for that ahead of time? Are there things that we could do about that? And most likely the answer will be yes.

Yeah, I'd love to work through. There's two that I'd really like to work through, if you're okay with it.

Yeah.

Fear of narcissism. So that's something that comes up for, I think a lot of people, maybe they were married to a narcissist. And then when you see those signs, it's a bit triggering, right?

So then you just don't date them anymore, right? You can get a new one. They're all on Tinder. Like, and you have this experience, right? You know, so you've dated a narcissist. So you know what those signs are. So think about this. If you, if you had a bad experience with a narcissist, when do a whole little poor post mortem on this relationship. In fact, if there's anything you're worried about or you want to learn from your past relationships or you're still hurting from a breakup or something, I did this, and it was so helpful. I would write down the relationship and all the things that happened. And like, when was that moment where you knew. You knew something was up and you were like, oh, it'll be fine. You know, there were probably several of those and you made choices to move on. And so please don't beat yourself up about this. We all do these things. It's called life. And everybody does these things. So I want you to just very gently, once you see the choices that you made, say, okay, now I know for sure. What happened there when I dated that narcissist. I'm not going to do that again. I can trust myself now because I know what narcissists look like. I know what happens, and I can keep myself safe.

Yeah, and hearing you talk, it makes me think also, you guys could. I think a lot of times when someone's with a narcissist, there's a. There's a lack of communication from, like, our side, where we could really set the boundary and say it, and then you get to see the reaction. So knowing that, that's a trigger for you. You could say, when this happens, like, you don't need to run right away. You can confront it and talk about it, and then you'll see the reaction. And at least you're seeing if it's your mind playing tricks on you from a pattern or if it's something that, like, you actually can communicate and work through, depending on what it is.

Yeah, I mean, a lot of people, they go out looking for red flags. Like, oh, the last one was a narcissist. So I'm not doing that again. And it's like, narcissist, narcissist, narcissist. That is so not fun. I know it's hard not to do that. But looking for red. You're not dating to look for red flags. You're dating to look for the love of your life. Think about that.

Yeah, I love that. And then, so someone did say, but what are the red flags if you're a newbie? So is there anything that you think would be, like, where you. When you. When you do. When you do see it, even though you're not looking for it, when you see it, that would be like, okay, I need to revisit this. Pretty much the communication, you said, like, so someone doesn't call you back. Oh, hold on. Here we go. We're back. Yeah, like, so if someone doesn't call you in two days or something, you can unmatch them. You know, so there's that. Right. But is there anything else that you'd be like, like, okay, this isn't, you know, self select. You're One of the 80 that are, you know, free. What was it? Free to the wild?

Well, yeah. Yeah. I mean, and you can. I. What I suggest you do is figure out what you really want. Okay. I. I call them like the. The character based must haves. I. And I want them to be character based. Like, I wanted someone who was loyal. I wanted somebody who was responsible. I wanted somebody who was Kind. I wanted somebody who wanted to get married. I got all those things. I think I wanted intelligence too. Like look for those things and be open to all the rest of the things. Instead of spotting red flags and then ticking them off a list and looking to self select out, I want you to look for people who have your character based must haves and include everyone that you can. And then when you get to somebody who's willing to call you on the phone, who goes on a date with you that you have a good time with, that you like, who answers that question favorably, then we're, then we're talking about, okay, are you going to go on a second date? Is this going to be a relationship? Okay. But it takes enough just to get there. Don't go in it with all this red flag stuff. You'll see the red flags, you'll see those. But what you're not seeing is all these good people because you're looking for the red flags.

You know, I, there's something I really love about what you're saying too, which, the, which is the, because there is so much noise, right, about the scammers and the this and the that and the booty call and like all that stuff, right? And it's like, and then it like there's, there's some people that will say, no, they're not all like that. But instead you're like, yeah, that's true. You know, but there's also people that aren't. And I want you guys to like really be kind of like feeling into that because then you're like allowing yourself. Your brain is hearing it and it's accepting it. And so then it's like, then it's like, okay, yeah, there are, that's true. And there are also people that are good, right? And we just have to find those people and, or let them attract to us, depending on which way you're going with that.

But yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're probably looking for somebody this. Okay, so I have a background in finance. I, I did like 19 years in financial services. And what you do a lot of times when you're purchasing securities is you look for something that's undervalued. You want to deal, buy low, sell high, right? So you're looking for the undervalued people on these sites. You're not going to, to look for the top 10% of the top 10%, right? Think about the bell curve. You, you're not going to the bottom 10 to 15% you want nothing to do with those are the People who are living under bridges and they used crack and lost all their teeth. Right. We say no to them, obviously. And we don't get upset when they message us. Of course they message us. We're wonderful. Okay, they're gone now. The top 10% text. You're not getting them either. I hate to break it to you, but it's like this. This shark pool and everybody's fighting over the same five people who have the best photos and are making all the money. And those people are dating like seven women at a time. And then there's these nice guys, nice guys like my husband that you probably might think are a little boring. Maybe you think that they're not tall enough. Maybe they just look ordinary. Maybe their pictures are a little grainy or not amazing or they don't know where all the amazing cool restaurants are or they have a couple of kids or whatever. Go for the undervalued people. My husband is wonderful. He's been nothing but wonderful. And I almost refused to date him because I didn't want to date somebody that had kids. I had raised my kids and. And he lived an hour away. He lived in Indiana. And I was horrified because I'm a snooty Chicago girl. Like, so everybody has their little picadillo. It's like I want the guy who knows mine was. I wanted the guy who was interesting and exciting and knew where the bars were and didn't live in Indiana, for crying out. My apologize to anyone who lives in Indiana. I currently live in Indiana. So here we are. But we can get a little fussy about these things that don't matter now. My husband has a master's degree. He has a good job. He's a real. He's a responsible guy. And he had all my must haves, all of them. But you gotta shop for the undervalued guy. You've gotta. You know, his profile was dead boring Newsville. I read into my then laughter. And he's wonderful. So when you get stuck on these things that don't matter, that's a lot of time. Where the narcissists come from too. They're good looking. They're charming, they're so fun and they're awful. Don't think those guys date the boring ones. Excitement is overrated.

Yeah. And Cindy said, look at their soul.

Look deep.

Pay attention to how you feel with them.

Yes.

So let's talk about. So we're on the date, right? And now. Now what? So we're. The date's over. Like we're treating Them like they're, they're our friends. Like, so it's not like some crazy, like, guarded thing. And what do we do at that point? Like, they said goodbye, right? And then we're not going home. We're just going home.

Home alone.

Going to our home. And then from there you're, you're like, what, what's, what happens then? Are they like, they, can they call you? Right? Like, what happens if they don't call right away? Like, what's that next step after that.

Okay, I coach women. And here is what I say to women. Do not call him, do not text him, do not nudge him, do not pass go, do not collect 200. You are to wait and see how interested he is in you. And if he is interested in you, I promise he will call you or text you within 24 to 48 hours. This is gospel. I know you're going to come at me with, well, my cousin Susan, like she had to call him and now they're happily married and have 17 sets of triplets or whatever. But I'm telling you, this stuff works. This stuff works. Dates, guys that you have to nudge, call, text, send smoke signals to remind him that you exist and you like him. There are relationships that, where you do all the work. They're not that excited about you. It is no fun. Don't deprive yourself of the opportunity to have a man fall head over heels in love with you. It's so much more fun than chasing some guy. So, yeah, that's my advice.

Yeah, that's great. And then for some reason the comments aren't coming in here, so I'm going on Facebook. But Jamie said if he doesn't, then basically you say next. Next. Right? Next idea. You say next. Okay, cool.

There's plenty more.

Yeah. So any other as we're like, I'm looking at the time. This has been so good. Is there anything else from that? I know you coach and we'll talk about if they want to work with you, what that looks like. But like, what would be like kind of the, like the idea of like now. Now what? So we've been on the date, like maybe he called so he didn't call.

Goodbye.

You're part of the 80%. And then he did call and now we're just like, how do we work through that in our minds?

So if he did call, here's what's going to happen. So many times. So many times a relationship minded guy is going to be way more excited about you than you are about him because you're used to all these unavailable guys. You're used to the narcissists and the guys who do all this gymnastics about it. But the really good, sincere, relationship minded guy who's crazy about you, I promise you're going to be like, what the heck is he calling me for? Why did he call two seconds after our date? This guy's needy. It's creepy. He doesn't have a life. There's really something wrong with him. So I want you to hold your horses. Relationship minded guys don't date like the unavailable guys. And there aren't as many of them out there. So you're not used to how excited they can be about you, right? So here's the thing. When a guy is excited about you, he's. He's going to follow up and he's. But he's going to be sincere about it. This is not love bombing. Love bombing is you're so intoxicatingly beautiful and I want to marry you tomorrow. That's not what I'm talking about. That's probably a scammer or somebody who's got some serious issues. But if he's excited about you, if he's following up, saying, when can I see you again? I really had a great time. I, I really enjoyed, you know, our time together and I would love to see you again. I want you to veer toward saying yes, even if you're not excited about him at first. Because a lot of times women's attraction grows slower than men's. And men, when they are in it to win it and they think they met the right girl, they know first. They, my husband did. Everybody I know who's ended up with somebody, like the guy knew first and the woman took a little longer to warm up. So here's my guideline. If, if you really would rather die than ever see him again, and you would rather kiss a salamander than ever kiss him, you have my permission to say, thank you so much, but I don't feel we're a match. I, I had a lovely time and I, I hope that you get everything you want and I wish you the best. Okay, but if the chemistry is anywhere from a 5 up on a scale of 1 to 10, I want you to please see him again. Please. You'll probably like him better. He might have been a little nervous. People grow on you. So if you liked him, there were no obvious red flags and the chemistry is a 5 or above. Please see him again. Please consider opening your heart to him.

I love that that's so good. I think it's. Yeah, it's so easy to reject it because it's not like this immediate. But then when you just kind of keep yourself open as long as you know it's not worse than a South Panther.

Sorry.

Then. Then you never know. Right. Like you don't know until you stay in it. So thank you so much for, for doing this. This has been so great getting to chance to talk to you and it seems like from what everyone's saying, they really appreciated you coming in. I'd love to have you share if they, if they do want more seniors support with this, specifically how it works. If they were to work with you and like what that looks like too.

Yeah, absolutely. I am accepting one on one clients right now. I have a 12 week coaching program where I could take you from absolutely where you are now to knowing how to date with confidence, having your profile written and really knowing how to vet men the right way and just get through those early dates and to see if you have a winner on your hands. So if you are interested in that, you can go to Bit Lee forward slash chat with Renee. Do you want me to. I could put that in the.

Yeah, put in the chat. I don't know what happened to the.

Chat, but yeah, so it's. Let me find that. I should have had that. It's Bit Lee forward slash chat with Renee and it is trying to find that the C and chat, the W in with and the R and Renee are all capitalized. So I'm gonna.

I'll put it. I could put it in after.

Okay. Yeah, I have it right here.

Yeah, you could just type it where it says the message.

Okay, cool. Okay, so that's the link. If you want to, if you want to chat with me, we can talk about my coaching program and if it's a good fit for you. And you can also check out my website, Rene SuzanneCoaching.com and my podcast is Find Love After 40 with Renee Suzanne. That's totally free. You can binge get all the goodies.

Amazing. Thank you so much for doing this and thanks you guys for joining. I'm excited to, yeah, had a chance to do this with you all and parting words are do the thing. Don't wait for opportunity, create it.

Yeah, do it.

Thank you. Bye.

Thank you.