YouTube Channel: @dothethingformula

Okay.

Yeah, everything's good. I think we might be live right now, so. Hey, guys. Oh, my goodness. You are in for a treat. I'm going to make sure you guys can see us right now. But you are not going to believe my special guest that I have today that's going to probably change your life with this conversation and your dating landscape of where you guys are at. I just said we live while then. Hey, Cindy, I'm so glad you're here. So good. I was funny. I was going to message you earlier to let you know about this. I'm glad that you saw it. Okay, we're almost there. Let me make sure they all saw this. We are live with Kevin. Okay, cool. There we go. Amazing. And then I just unpinned it. I need to pin it. Okay, I think we're good. All right, so. Hi, Kevin.

How you doing?

Look at you doing that one thing tonight. Look at you. East coast to west coast.

So good. All right. So I have been looking forward to this since we talked because there were so many things that you said that just blew my mind. Like out of the water in terms of dating goes and just you guys know. So Kevin, I've been talking about him all week, but he's the author of Dating with the Full Deck and he does so many other things. But we're going to talk. At least we'll start the converse. Well, actually, why don't I have you introduce yourself to everyone and tell them kind of like about you and then we'll get into the. The heart of what? This.

All right. This. This is the hard part. I don't know if it's hard for you, but it's hard for me. It's talking about myself as if I'm someone special. But my name is Kevin McLemore and I want to say welcome to all of you people that are part of this one thing. Doing this one thing. And I'm excited to be here. I am a four time published author, an award winning author for my book Sprinkles the True Spirit of Christmas which is now going into being turned in from a literary piece to a animated feature film. Oh, wow. I am. I've got 40 years of. Over 40 years of experience as a master level fitness professional. I've done trainers to the stars, to politicians, to everyday people, to Olympic athletes and whatever. So I've been in this business for a long time. I am a certified mindset coach. Most people call it life coach, but when I'm dealing with athletes or business people and trying to create A certain mindset I talk about when I speak publicly about the power of your words and communicating because I study human behavior. Outside of that, I am just a normal person just having a good time. I just happen to be the, the author of Dating with a Full Deck. I'm a person that took my divorce and made something positive. I, you know, most people turn lemons and eliminate, but I've got expensive taste, so I turned lemons into champagne. So that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So good. I'm so glad. Thank you so much. And I love that you said that from the start because that was one of the things that like, really got me excited from the very beginning of just even reading the forward of your book and how you talk about both of your, your why, your, you know, your first marriage and your second marriage and how much you learned from each of them. And, and I think this is something that we all go through. Like, right. Like after my divorce, I hated my ex husband went through. I couldn't even hear his name, you know, without like cringing and crying, you know, and then it took. Now I, I see like all the things that I was like owning. Right? And I think that was part of that. What you were saying in there is how much those relationships taught you about things that you wanted to still work on. And also your book is kind of like an antidote to people getting matched with the wrong person. Right, because you're able to help them know that they're on their like, similar in the way that they're wanting to nurture a relationship through people being able to use your book in the way that you want.

You're exactly right. And, and as, as much as it's going to be hard for people to believe, I actually dedicated dating with a full deck to my ex wife. Not like most people did not leave the relationship hating my, my ex. I've got three wonderful children. I actually have four children, but three by this, this wife and great mother. Great mother, great business professional. I can say nothing but positive things about it. But the one thing that, you know, people say, well, then why did you get divorced? And I would say just like anybody else, we were two people in two different places, but stuck in the same place. And we weren't ready for each other at that point. And that's the reason why the, the first part of the book that I talk about is that you have to fall in love with yourself and you have to be honest with yourself. A lot of times we get into relationships and we try to be something to someone that is not ready for, and then we get people to fall in love with the wrong person. And, you know, and that was the issue. If I had addressed a lot of the things that I needed to address in our relationship and she was in the same position, we'd probably still be together. But we were at two different points in her life. And just like every aspect of your your life, when I am teaching people, especially with athletes and people that are in sales and whatever, we always talk about our why, and our whys are defined at different levels and different seasons in our life. And sometimes we think we're ready or not ready, and all of a sudden, we are trying to get ready when the other person's not ready. So it may sound like I'm talking in circles, but the reality is life is a circle.

So good. Oh, my gosh. All right, guys, I'm gonna check in on you. So Cindy's here. Hey, Donna. Good to see you. And Mike's here. Mike is the reason for Kevin and I meeting. Mike read Kevin's book, loved it so much, and connected us, which is, I'm really grateful for that because this is amazing, the way that we're aligned. And now you guys get to have the privilege of having Kevin talk to you, which is great. And then Oswald, so good to see you. Hi, Shauna. Hi, Vicki. Hi, Terry.

And.

Oh, good. Yeah.

So good. All right, guys. Well, I'm curious how many of you read the book. If you could tell me if you read it or not read it. And if you didn't read it yet, definitely buy it. It's a really great read in terms of.

Actually, my boyfriend and I read it together, which was great. I'm like literally read it out loud and so. Which is good. And then I didn't get to do the card specifically just with him, which is kind of funny. I did it with my daughter too. Like, we were at a table and we were like, started just doing it. But anyway, there's so much value in everything that you're doing. I want to start off with this is the biggest thing when I do dating Challenges that think is the hardest thing for people is the red flags and the deal breakers. I thought we could just start talking about that in terms of dating and how you recommend people approach that or maybe how can you loosen the, the mind to be able to be more open, you know, to, to various, various things.

Well, I, I, I, I'm going to say, and I'll say this to listeners, and one, I'M not a dating expert. I study human behavior and that's where I'm really good at. And the mindset of a human being, if you go into a new relationship or potential relationship knowing that you've got deal breakers, knowing that you get red flags and whatever. And chances are, because we live in a universe that is supplied by energy, that energy is already brought into the date. Chances are it's going to manifest itself somewhere in the conversation, and the date is not going to be successful. What I try to do is to define exactly what first date should be about. And that's the reason why I suggest that everyone, before they go on their first date so you're on the same page, is to have your. Your date after seven days of having your initial conversation, read the book. And the reason why I say read the book, because now if you've got a person that's committed to reading the book, chances are that person is in a place emotionally to be ready for you. That person is not in a, in a place emotionally read for you, that person will run like hell because they realize that you're on a totally different level. So you don't have to worry about red flag flags. You don't have to worry about deal breakers because your first date has nothing to do with living happily ever after. Finding Mr. Mr. Right. The first date is just going out and having a good time and having a genuine, authentic conversation or honest conversation. If you're not in a place to have an honest conversation, then why go out on a date? So we, we can talk about deal breakers and red flags all the time. And I can tell you that if I get to a group of people when I do this, and Mike was privy to this conversation, is that I can almost guarantee you that 99% of people that claim to have a red flag. If I were to go ahead and explain to you this scenario about red flag steel breakers, I can almost guarantee, unless the person is not being honest with yourself, that after I explain this scenario, you won't have a deal breaker or red flag. And I think I went over this with you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we do that now? Because I feel like this is one of the biggest things that I tried to flex the muscle on during the challenges. And it's one of the hardest ones that I think for people to grasp. So do you mind just kind of.

Sharing what I will be more than happy to. Let me set this up. My grandparents were married over 55 years, happily married. My grandmother never had a formal wedding, nor does she ever have a wedding ring until her 50th anniversary? Because my grandparents couldn't, my grandfather couldn't afford a wedding ring. So on the 50th anniversary they had that wedding white dress, everyone in tux, all the grandkids were part of the wedding wedding party and he gave her presented a beautiful diamond ring. Later on that I discovered what most people would say would be red flags and deal breakers. My grandparents have had at least one or two of those checked off in there that should have broken those two people off. But they, they found some reason to work it out and I'll explain to you later on. So let me paint this picture and I want everyone to have an open mind and open heart. I want you to turn up, turn off the volumes to all your preset prejudice or biases when it comes to relationships. I want you to disconnect from, from any past relationship or damage that was done to you before and just be open minded. So I'm going to take you guys on a beautiful Cruise. You know, 70% of this population is women. The other 30% are men. And if you go to however we're divided in whatever, that number could be skewed either way. I don't know those numbers. I wrote the book for what I know to be a man and what I know to be a woman. In the event that you happen to celebrate your life in a different way, this applies to you because you're part of the human race. But imagine going on the most amazing, beautiful cruise. There's 5,000 people on that cruise ship. I mean it is a five star cruise and everyone's dressed to the nine. You're celebrating. And for the whole time that you've gotten on that cruise, either that one male or that woman has been all over you and every single thing that you, you've ever thought that was just totally horrific about that person, you know, that person exemplifies all of a sudden this cat comes on and I'm going to use male and woman because most of the time most women think it's the men that kind of screws up the relationship. So we're going to go with the narcissist. We've got a guy that we know that has dated our girlfriends that's on his cruise. He's very successful in, in his life. But we, we have labeled him as girlfriends as a womanizer. And he has taken interest in you, Stacy. He has followed you around, he has made several attempts and your girlfriends are all giving you advice and telling you all the Horrible things. And you have looked at him and said, even though physically, wow. But when you go through and go, he's not that he smokes, you don't like smokers, he drinks too much, you don't like drinkers. He's been unfaithful to three of your, your friends that have dated them and has lied and cheat, cheated. But he's been married three times, he's a good father, takes care of his kids or whatever. And every single time he comes to you, you won't give him the time of day. But after the third day of being on this cruise, the boats capsized and the only two survivors as you wash ashore, when the only piece of material that floated ends up at a tropical island is you and Mr. Wrong. And for the first three days you sit there and says, I'm not going to have a conversation with him. And you're an and because you're female, I'm going to put you in the most beautiful island. There's fruit, there's tropical breeze that's going 24 7. And in landscape it is just beautiful. Sunrise to sunset. After the third day of being stranded on an island, you start to realize there's a possibility you're never going to be rescued. And all of a sudden he comes in there with shorts and his torn.

Shorts on and he's hobbling over through and he's got a little belly, he's not as fit as you thought he was and he is fishing for food. After 72 hours, that rumble in your stomach starts to say even the, the worst fast food takeout is now five star restaurant. He comes over and presents you with food and you turn it down because you can do it yourself because you are a strong independent. That conversation we all have, I can do it myself, I'm successful. But after day four, day five, even the worst chef turns into that, that TV star chef and whatever and you start to share food. And believe it or not, even on the most beautiful tropical island, you know, it gets a little cold at night. And right now 97.6, which is the average person's body temperature, feels a lot better when it's cuddled up with a 90.9 7.6 person. And before you realize it, every single night you're cuddled up trying to stay warm. Now he hasn't tried anything because both of you are trying to survive. And believe it or not, the storm comes in and you can see it coming in. He starts to build shelter and then all of a sudden you start to gather with him and Stacy, knowing you, you're probably a lot more handy than most men. And you do, you take control, you build a shelter, and all of a sudden, the two of you are sitting in this hut together, you know, weathering out the storm. 97.6. 97.6. Snuggled up together. And Amanda has not ever communicated with a woman. When he knows that this is the last conversation he's going to have with a woman, he's going to start talking and you're going to have conversation. That substance and all of those things that you had that were red flags and deal breakers, when it's just the two of you guys, after one year, after two years, after three years, after five years won't even matter because just like a relationship, the reason why my grandparents, your parents and friends last 55 years, because life is tough and you have to go through some stuff, you know, in order to survive, you have to make decisions that may be unpopular to your friends. So deal breakers only exist if you're looking for a reason to not exist within a relationship with another person. But like anything else, relationships takes work. If you look at the statistics that 70% of the divorces that were filed last year between women that were 40 and 55 years of age and the statistic that this came from, all the women were going through menopause. So us men, we have no idea what you guys are going through. And that's the reason why you got to talk to us, and that's the reason why you got to hold our heads firm and said, listen to me. I'm talking to you. And for those, those men that are there, if you care about her, you pay attention. Don't wait to be heard. Just listen to her. My love language is to listen. All right? Without interruption. All right, I spell love. L, U, V. Don't interrupt her. Understand that what she's saying to you is real. And the V is the valid. Validate the fact that her feelings are important to you. That's love. And then repeat that over again. Don't look for E, because that becomes an excuse. Does any of that make sense?

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm hearing a feedback. I think we're good. Yeah, no, it totally does. I it what it reminds me of almost kind of like what inspired my challenge was the first do dating challenge I did was I have. I was in the date I was dating and then like beforehand and then I had a bunch of friends around me dating, and then I was in a group, so peloton singles group. And I just was seeing a lot of the.

Like I want to meet someone, you know, I can't find anyone like a lot of that language, right? And at that time I was going to like a lot of these different kind of like retreats and like I was learning, I really wanted to learn how to listen better. I was going to an authentic relating conference. I went to just all these different kind of like retreats and kind of self improvement things because I was still kind of like coming out of everything. And what I noticed I met a lot of men and I met a lot of women at these events and they all wanted the same thing. They wanted the same thing. And.

There was like this wall up though when they would meet, you know, like they. No one knew what the other wanted. And so there was no way to actually like get into connection because it was all the preconceived junk, you know, in the walls that we put up and all of this stuff. And when you go to an authentic relating thing, it's like you open up the, the trunk, you know, and you see what's inside, right? And, and I feel like I think that's what I loved. That's why I thought it was so cool in my connected us. Because not only like I'm a play, like I fun game, I'm game is the do the thing formula. So everything's a game. And so it's cool that your, your book is like 52 cards for a game. And then you also have the jelly bean thing. So you, you have the same kind of like vision there. But yeah, it's, it's the, the idea of just being. Having deep and conver deeper conversations and more meaningful connections is what's able to then open everyone up. And that's what you're saying, right? You're like you're on this deserted island. You have no choice but to either be alone or to talk to this person and get to know them and ask for what you want, you know, and ask for what you.

Exactly right. And believe it or not, just like anything in life, life's about two things. Dance and choice. We all take the chance of being with Mr. Or Mrs. Right or Mr. Mr. Right or Mrs. And Mrs. Right or however we identify being right. We have to be politically correct. So I hate being politically correct. Just get into relationship. But I will tell you and I, I'll say this for every single author out there that has anything to do with deal breakers or red flags and whatever, the reason why those exist is because there's profit In a negative conversation, there's no profit in success. Otherwise everyone will be successful.

All right? So you've got to realize that as soon as you put up a wall, because I'm one of those people. I'm the most awkward unaccord dating people. All right? As soon as I like someone or I'm interested, I become mushmouth. I do not have my stuff together. When I get on stage, I'm a prince. When I get to a point that my heart's connected to the conversation, whatever, my mind is playing a joke. I've got two little men on my shoulder. And the other man, one of them saying, I dare you to say it. Just go ahead and say it. Go ahead and say it. Go ahead and say it. And the other one says, don't say it. It's just going to come out wrong. Just go ahead and don't say it. Every woman is I've ever gotten involved with because of my.

Shortcomings has approached me and it makes it easy because of what, what I do. And I'm a workaholic. And I know that's one of my downfalls. I'm a gym junkie. I know that's one of my, my downfalls. But I love just as hard as I, I work. And I always say, don't feed my distractions unless you're at the other end of what's feeding me. Okay. Then I can be distracted. I always make time for the person that's important to me and that's the, the persons you need to realize. When you've got someone that makes you a priority, you will no longer be an option in their life. No matter how busy they are or how successful they are, if you are a priority, they will always be able to dress your needs. Now the hard part is making that man or woman appreciate the fact that you're available to them and not abuse you. And some of us lose sight of that. And when it comes from a woman to a man sometimes because we're not taught to be emotional. Some women, because we're strong, independent, we don't need a man type of woman. We happen to break a good man that is open to us. Because one of the things is you look at the way we raise our children. Women are taught to their children to be emotional human beings. Men's are taught to go out there and conquer. We don't learn emotions until we get to one of you guys and we learn that. And the one thing is, if that door ever opens up with a man versus a woman, and you give that man a chance to close that down, it's like Fort Knox and trying to get a withdrawal from the government.

Oh, my gosh. So good. All right, you guys, I'm gonna check in with you. If you guys can put any. Any questions in the comments, I would love it. We could talk to. Are you okay with that, Kevin, if we. We go.

Yeah, you can ask me any question. I don't know anything.

Cool. Yeah, no, I love it, but I think it's true. Like, you interviewed a hundred people, and then you've worked with so many people, and I.

There's. For this book, I interviewed 1500 people.

1500. Oh, 15.

It took me two and a half years to get the information and five years to write the book. And matter of fact, when I got to the point that my book was accepted by the publisher and the final edit, I had already rewritten it 20 times and 30 days before because I wasn't satisfied because I kept running into different people with different experiences. I'm saying I gotta put that in the book. I had a couple. I saw, I wrote it. Technically, I rewrote it 25 times in order to get it to the state that I'm in. But since I've had this book, I've had four couples that were in the brinks of going through a divorce that have realized, just like you, there were some issues that they had not addressed and they were putting on their mates and stopped the divorce.

Wow.

Four couples. And I keep saying, what chapter was that in? Because I didn't know that I said anything that would change your mind. But that's what happens when you are at a. A state, when you're honest with yourself.

Right? Yeah, Right. Because you're so in the anger of it and in the wrong of the other person. And not to say, you guys, we're good. Like you. You're.

We're.

You know, let me word this. In a way, that's everything that happened, happened.

Right.

But then it's. It's the. There's two ways we could take it. You know, one is just keeping the resent and the anger and the hurt and the angst. And then the other is to just look at, okay, where. Where do I want to, like, do better in future relationships. Right. And where could. I should have showed up differently? And so that's just kind of what I'm. That's what I'm suggesting. And I think that's where you're at too. Right. Like, you're really owning the parts of it that you learned about yourself and you learned about what you want too. Like, it's not just like, that was the other thing I learned really about what I, what I wanted, you know, for the next relationship too.

And that's one of the things I learned from listening to my grandparents story because they have many of the deal breakers that most of our listeners right now have on their chart. And when I asked my grandmother, you know, why did they stay together? My grandmother said I had spent X amount of years building the perfect man. I'll be damned if I'm going to let some other woman benefit from all the hard work that I did. So when we talk about return on investment to the day they die, they work together.

I love that. Oh my gosh, that's so good. That is. Oh my God, that is so good. Okay, we have some things happening here. Okay. Delisa said, my issue is that I haven't met anyone. It's been four years. And now know what I need in a husband? I will be 50 in July. I have been in numerous abusive relationships and I have healed a lot. I'm looking for a masculine man who is a Christian. I'm not one of those women who need a man. Oh, who, who need a man. Also not a strong. And I'm a strong, independent woman. I need a partner.

So this is really interesting because. Thank you for sharing that, by the way. I, I appreciate it because I know there's a lot of people that are in that same similar situation. Right. And I think the thing I'm wondering too is let's say she starts dating and you guys, I'm potential. I'm. I'm gonna say I'm gonna do it. Okay. I'm doing a dating challenge sometime this summer. I'm just figuring out the date, but.

I'm almost thinking like, so when you're saying first date. So let's say they meet someone through my dating challenge, right. And they go on a date. So you're suggesting that very first date.

They, they take the cards with them. Right. And then are you open to them taking it on the second date so they could meet the person first or is there like a reason why you like it on the first date?

Well, the, the reason why I say, you know, if you've read the book and you've made a connection with the book, the first thing that you're going to learn from the book is that before you invite anyone to the space that you're in, that means your first date, you have to come to terms about who you Are if you listen to the conversation of what you just read. I am looking for a. A husband. That was one part. I. I talk a lot about the power of your words. I'm looking for this, I'm looking for that. I'm 50 years old. I've been absent from a relationship for. For X amount of years. But as soon as you say but, it dismisses everything that you've already said, I am a strong, independent woman. And technically, the way the strong, independent woman is, she doesn't need a man. All right? Most men don't want to become someone's husband. We have to learn to love someone to the point that we don't want to live without them. We have to be taught. The reason why this book is so important is because if you find a man that reads this book and he's connected with himself on the same level, the first barrier of that conversation of what was needed versus what I wanted.

Okay. It seems to be blended together and merged together. Because now you're on the same page. You're not going with someone that just wants to go out and have a good time. You're not going out with someone that just wants a drink or a dinner companion, or you're not going out with someone that is so damaged from two other relationships. Now he's going to bring you or you're going to bring him into that relationship. So when you look at what, when. If I were to ask you, what do most women and men. What are they looking for?

And I'm asking you, Stacy.

Oh, I feel like I read this.

We talked about this.

Yeah, no, it's. It's. So the women. I'm trying to remember who said what.

One word.

Action.

It was one word.

What is one in the. In human nature? What are we all looking for?

Oh, love.

All right. Wrong.

No. Okay.

No, we're not looking for love.

Okay.

We're all looking to be happy.

Happy. Okay.

And where does happiness start?

With ourselves.

With ourselves. Right now. When you talk about love, you have to realize when a child is born, no matter what he or she does throughout their life. Yeah, they're all deal breakers, but you love them regardless. That's called unconditional love. So when you have a child, you volunteer to love that child. You volunteer. When you bring someone into your space or into your life, it is decision.

And how you stay in love is still a decision. That's when you have to overcome those deal breakers. I'm not telling anyone to stay with an abusive. An abusive relationship or whatever. I'm not telling anyone to stay with a. A serial cheater, whatever. But I will tell every single person on here if you ever looked on the big screen and fantasize about what would have happened if I had one night with Denzel Washington, Tom Cruise, Gloria Estefan.

Name, name a movie star. Emotionally, we have all stepped out of our relationship if we had that thought. Wow. All right, so we're all capable, but we all choose to make a decision in order to stay in our relationships. So the, the reason why it's important for the book to be shared with someone, that you're compatible because chances are you've. You've had a conversation over text and you have interest and if that person is interested in you. And I had a person that did this all wrong because her thing was she had a five date rule and then she put out and she told everyone that she went out out with that she had a five date rule and then she put out. And so what do you think a man did? He waited five days. She put up. When a man is looking for something special, he's looking for someone that's going to protect his heart. Someone that's going to be supported of him. Someone that's going to be a confident and allow him to be vulnerable. He's not looking for a high school housekeeper, cook or whatever. He's looking for a partner. All right? And that partner sooner or later becomes his wife. But because the way the society and books have taught us as women, we're looking for someone to complete us and no one can complete you but you. If that makes sense.

Definitely. Yeah, I. Yeah. And that's what I loved about the.

Defined it. Now the one with. Yeah, become your own Mr. And Mrs. Right.

Right.

I'd love you to. And I want to get back to the question. So. So keep putting your questions in the comments, you guys, and I'll come back there in just a minute. But I want to talk about the jelly beans part of it. If you could just explain what that is. And then I also want to help them start with themselves because I think at the end you said you could also do this before you meet someone too.

Exactly right. So the jelly beans is. I've got a weird sense of humor. If you look at my podcast, it says talking with Wit, Kevin and son. Most people want to put a H on there, but you know, I was taught to read or write when I was a junior in college. I was a standout athlete and I didn't want to graduate as a dumb job. So I've Always been able to articulate a conversation, and I've always had.

Well, my friend said I have no filter. I have a very sarcastic whip and, and I love to laugh. I love to pick and tease and so forth. So the, the whole thing with jelly beans is because men are not mind readers. You know, we are everything. Like our whole life is make the football team, make good grades, be honors, do this, whatever, get promoted or whatever. That's the way we're structured. We didn't grow up to learn how to play, play with dolls, to nurture other children, to cook and be compassionate, to lean or, or to cry or anything else. So the whole point of the jelly beans, it gives you something physical to look at. Because normally by the time we have a conversation with not addressing our female partners needs, it's already conversation that has been, should have been had three years ago. But there's three years of conversation that now shows up in present, present conversation. I know with my, my situation, I was always saying, can we just argue in present conversation? Because I don't even remember half the stuff. So the jelly beans means that every single time that I'm going to say hypothetical, you and I, every single time that I have done something that connects to your love language, you add a red jelly bean to it, to that jar. And I do the same thing every single time that I missed something in your love language, you had a black jelly bean. So now instead of me having to read your mind because I can't do it, because I'm too busy trying, trying to go out and survive and, and be a man, live up to the, the false stereotypes of what a man is supposed to be, and those are all made up stuff. If someone said that this is what a man should be and when a man should be as vulnerable to his mate and submissive to his mate and vice versa. And so when I start to see the black jelly beans, Stacy, is there something I'm missing before it becomes the problem?

I love that.

And, and you're, and your responsibility is, is to tell me, you know, it's like, you know, you know, men are like, if you tell me to take out the trash and I take out the trash men emotionally, because we're being rewarded like a puppy, put me a treat, you know, send out the parade. And women basically said, that's your responsibility. But if that's his love language to make sure that you don't have to do some labor around the house, you know, don't complain. It's like in my house.

I, I don't cook, and I can't cook. You know, my children say one out of seven meals is edible when dad cooks. So it's. The thing is, I don't mind cleaning. And when I grew up with my grandpar parents house, whoever cooked didn't have to clean dishes. It was 13 of us. So there's a lot of dishes to clean up. So I don't mind cleaning. I'm a neat freak. But the problem is, is that if I put away the dishes and you come through and you look at the fact that they weren't the dishes, dishwasher wasn't loaded in the way that you were taught, and all of a sudden you turn around and scold me for it. It makes it hard for me to want to do dishes. We, as partners, both male and female, we teach our mates how to be close to us. And we also teach our. Our mates how to be distant from us. Does that make sense?

Oh, it does. Yeah. And sometimes it's also not even about the dishes. It's from all those unsaid black jelly beans that you haven't talked about. And so then it topples out of the jar as you're like, just building it, building up. Building it up. Yeah.

So I. I'm going to give you the same advice my dad gave me. Now, this may work in some relationships. You're gonna be open. He says, if you're gonna argue, are you naked?

Oh, that's so any.

And my father said in the event that you cannot get your point across and she's not listening to you, then there's nothing you're going to say. He said, go sleep on the co.

Oh, my gosh. Okay. So good. All right, you guys, I'm checking with you. So Vicki said she loves what you said about always making time to the person who's important to me. So good. And then Susan asked, where do I find a nice man?

Where do you find a nice man?

You know something? What's a nice man to Vicki? Ask Vicki what's a nice man to her. Susan, what's a nice man?

Okay, let us know. Yeah. Oh, good. Vicki just ordered your book and Donna likes the gel. Oh, I forgot to ask you something on the jelly beans question. Okay, we're going to go back to that question because I want to make sure I ask you this. The jelly beans, if they're going to start doing that. Because I love you. Said it at the end, but then I couldn't yet conceptualize what I would do. But, like, before you meet someone you want to fill up your own jelly beans. Right? You know you want to.

Exactly right. So how do you, the first person you have to love is you. And if you want to become an expert dater, date yourself for a while. If you've been in a bad relationship in order to, to get beyond that relationship, date yourself for a while. There's four emotions that will change your life. If you remember, if you can remember this, four things. I don't remember where I was taught this, but the first, first thing is discuss if you get to a point in life that things that you've been doing is like people date the same person over and over again. They always meet the wrong person. You get to the point that you get so sick and tired of dating Mr. Wrong or whatever, look for someone else that is totally opposite of that person. The second is decision. Make a decision that you're never going to go back there again. And when I, I look at this book that I've written, all right, I had people and I'm one of these old school people. I don't put out on the first date. Even though there's a section on there when I have my heart broken on, you know, a one night stand. Is that, is that.

You know, I, I, I deemed myself as the price. You know, there, there is a incubation period on relationship between I get before I give my greatest gift to someone else. That person has to earn it. Earn may be the wrong word, but I need to be compatible. I am not. When it comes to being intimate, as much as most people think men are like this, I am not the super highway, all right? I'm in the slow lane waiting to merge on something, right? So discuss, make a decision and then talk about what you desire most. And then if you, once you put those three things together, you have to resolve any issues that you've had for any damage that's been done to you in the past in order to be open for someone that's going to fill those gaps and quit revisiting bad conversations, bad relationship, bad experience with someone's trying to give you a better experience, a better relationship and an open and authentic relationship. And people will make mistakes and remember they're human. And the last thing I'm going to tell you, and this has nothing to do with the four emotions, is quick keeping score. Because if someone wins, that means someone has to lose.

That is so good. Oh man, that is so good. Yeah, so good. And it's so easy to do that. Like when something goes wrong, whatever you're doing it's like, then you keep, you keep having the evidence to like bring up more. Right. It's like you're looking for more reasons. So even if you guys are dating someone and maybe he doesn't call you and you think he should call you or whatever, and then you're like, oh, and then he did this and then this happened and it's like, so that's so normal, I think, for us to do that, where you keep bringing up more things because it makes you, it protects you. Right. It's a protection strategy, I think.

Yeah. And then the, the other, other thing, it's just like, you know, some men get labeled as serious serial players. They always have someone else on the hook or he cheated on me and whatever. Ask yourself when you're going through the scenario of why your relationship or why someone step out of the relationship, because normally there's only a handful of people that are just real bad people when it comes to relationships. That's because they've never been taught. But I always say to my women in the audience, if a man can justify changing his behavior, he will change his behavior for someone that is worth changing for. So even the worst person, and that's male or female.

Will change if they can justify changing. So if you can get someone to love you on a level higher than they love themselves or their needs and you're meeting their needs, there's only 1% of the male or female population that's just screwed up. That will mess up a good thing no matter what.

Yeah.

But most, most of us will get to a place or a season in life that they just want to settle down and enjoy life and sooner or later that those two people will come together. So I, I've been in the health and fitness business for over 40 something odd years and I will tell you, I've heard it and I've seen it all. I've seen people stay in bad relationships till death do us part. I've seen people stay in relationships and have other relationships and happy as a cow. I've seen people drive a good man out, out of their relationship just because they had issues that they weren't ready to resolve and the person finally got fed up. And men do the same thing to women too. All right, I've been a victim of this conversation myself.

So at some point we've all got to become professional listeners and at some point we've got to put our needs for in front of our own needs. And at some point we've got to get a partner that makes Our needs a priority.

So if they're doing the jelly bean exercise by themselves until they end up meeting someone, is it pretty much, is it that. I mean, I know you said love language for the partner, but is it also like if I'm not asking for what I need or doing what I need for myself, it's like the. Or do you have a certain way that that would be a good starting point. So I love that. Yourself.

Well, when you look at your, your needs, ask yourself, all right, if you want someone physically fit and you're not physically fit, why are you asking someone to give you something you're not? You know, if you are a person that I'm going to give you a scenario. This is a true story. I have a friend that's celebrity that owns a 100 acre farm. Her house is 330,000 square feet. Any man that she dates right now, okay, it's going to have, even if it's a six figure earner and most of us are impressed by that. But when you come into a relationship, when a woman doesn't need a home, she doesn't need to provide, she can travel when she wants, she can buy anything she wants, whatever you ask, where does a man fit? Fit in.

All right. And you ask a man where he fits in, you know, when he looks at a woman that's successful, you know, Julia Roberts stated the grip from her, from her movie thing and dated him until he, he passed away. It's because he met her emotional needs. The value that she placed on life wasn't her income. Because someone's got to work. That's the reason why I said, until death do you part for richer or poor, you know, the sickness and, and health, you know, we forget those words. We're all going to grow old, we're all going to lose our hair, we're all going to gain some weight. But if that person loves you, he's going to love you. And that's the key thing you got to do is love you where you're at. But don't bring someone in and hold them to a standard that you can't hold to yourself.

If that makes sense.

It does. Yeah. And then Susan answered your question on a good, what a good man is. She just said caring honesty. And then she said, yeah, she's always finding the wrong person. So carrying an honesty is what.

Right. So honesty start, starts with if you're open to receive the truth. Jerry Maguire said it himself, you can't handle the truth. And I, and I, and I say this in the book we teach our partners how to lie to us. You go into a relationship and you tell your, your spouse or your partner that you're going out with the boys. And while you're dating them, you know, whatever time he comes in, it was okay. So when he gets married, he has an obligation to say, well, I'm going out with the boys. And you say, well, what time he's going to be home? He goes, I don't know because he's always gone out with the boys. And she says, well, just call me. And then she says, what time you're going to be home? And I'm using she. Because men don't care. Because if we get a night out, we just go sleep on the couch and watch sports. And you say, 11 o'. Clock. All right, so 11 o' clock comes out. The guy looks down at his watch and goes, oh, I gotta call my wife. And all of a sudden his friend says, oh, Kevin is whooped. He's gotta go call the wife and whatever. And Kevin says, because he's got an ego. Oh, my wife's sleep. I don't want to wake her up. I don't know. Call her. I'll explain to her when I get home. Well, all of a sudden my cell Phone rings at 15 after 11, where are you? Well, I'm out with the boys. You said you're going to be home at 11 o'. Clock. No, you, you told me to commit to a time. I said I didn't know I was going to come home, but I was coming home. Well, sudden, he's uncomfortable now. So now that when he goes out, it's like if he's going out with the boys and he's always went out, he's at a sporting event, he can't tell you if he's coming home at 11 o'. Clock. But if he calls you at 11 o', clock, don't make him feel bad. If he's telling you he's going to be 15 minutes late, just say, be safe. If you make him feel uncomfortable, he'll start lying without a reason.

Oh, wow.

Because men, men are always like little boys.

We don't want to get like a teenager.

Yeah. We don't want to get in trouble.

Yeah.

All right. And the, and the fact is that a man needs, just like a woman needs. So I don't want to put anyone out. Needs a woman to come home to make him want to come home. He needs a partner, needs to be safe. Every man should feel, and every woman should feel when the Time comes at the end of their work day and whatever, they can't wait to get home. But if for some reason you give that man a reason to delay and stay late, he'll work later. He'll ask for more responsibility. He will. You know, I do it myself right now because I need 20 minutes to diffuse because I'm saving everyone else's. And soon as I. I call home and say that I'm coming home, she starts dinner. And if I'm not home by the time, you know, the last four gets through, there's an issue. So I'm delayed 20 minutes because I need 20 minutes to kind of diffuse from everything I'm doing to make my notes. And then halfway home, I call her and says I'm on my way home. And then I know I have a five minute cushion. We train our partners. And remember this, we men and women both do it. How to be close, how to be intimate, and how to be distance. We train our partners.

So true. So good. So Oswald had a great question. He said, how does one overcome the fear of putting themselves out there to meet a girl?

I. I'm gonna say this. I have the same fear. Just like I started my podcast, I overthink everything. And my son says, dead. How do you learn to swim? And I said, hire a coach. He says, no. He said, you get in to the water and if you decide you don't want to drown, you start swimming like crazy trying to get to shore. You ever look at a guy that is so hideous to everyone else and he is married to the most beautiful woman in the world? And you know how he overcame that fear? He was confident enough to walk up to her and said hello. And he met a woman that was open to someone saying hello. Most, most of us are so turned off, so easy. And we're living a society when hello is now sexual harassment, when good morning is that he's trying to get into my pants or goodbye means goodbye instead of I'm just leaving for the day. We are so easily to be offended. We're walking around constantly offended. The other thing is put your cell phone in your pocket when you're walking down the street. A lot of times Mr. And Mrs. Wright has just walked right by you. But we're so trained to look at our social media. We don't know. And we've been jaded. You know, I just had a group of six women that are all very successful, and all six women are over 50, all six figure owners, and not one of them has a boyfriend and one of not one of them has been in a healthy relationship because they've all been best of friends. Who, who wants to be that little mouse that just got dropped into the lion's den?

I got six very strong, independent women and they're strong and independent. And guess what? I got six women that can't find a man. So the easiest way to do is find someone that is outside of what you've been doing and find someone that is ready for you and you have to be ready for them. And it all starts with hello.

That's so good. I love that. And then when you, when you end up going on the date, then you go through the dating with the full deck, the night.

The nice thing about the, the 52 cards and the jokers and we get to that is that what is the date is nothing but fun. Now because I study human behavior, everything that you're going to learn about that person that you have lived with, slept with for the last six months, you're going to learn within an hour and a half of sitting at dinner playing these cards, the only conversation you're going to have. So there's no uncomfortable conversations in there. In the event that you find a conversation is uncomfortable, you have a joker card. But if you read the book, the rules are in the event that I have the joker card and you skim over a conversation or half acid, so I give you the card, you have to fully commit to having that conversation about that, whatever that topic is. And that's what it is. Being authentic and being true to yourself. Because we all have shortcomings. No one comes into any relationship without some baggage. I, I said this on, on a couple of podcasts before because I've cleared two women's credit in my lifetime. I want to date a woman that's open to. I shouldn't. She doesn't have to do it. I just want to hear someone say they will.

Clear my credit. And by the way, I carry no debt. Okay, so I'm looking for emotional credit.

So good. Well, oh my gosh.

I can't even believe it's already been an hour. It's crazy to me, but this was so good. Please share with everyone.

The Sunday, the weekly Sunday.

Call that you have so they, they can sign up for that. And then also I just wanted to re mention Kevin's book as well.

So all of my books, if you look at Books by Kevin McLemore, can be found on Amazon.com My podcast, Talking with Kevin and Son, which showcases People should know now every Sunday because I have more than 300 original motivational quotes. And I said earlier I was always curious how they landed on other people. I created a group of 10 people. One or two of my co hosts on there are semi famous movie stars and film directors. I have a very eclectic group of people that act as my co hosts. I'm probably the only podcast out there that welcomes in total strangers as long as you can adhere to being kind, courteous and positive. And we throw out quotes based on interpretation and perspectives. Like today's quote was by cartoonist. And this is let us not go back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness. And that was our quote. And I'm just curious on how it lands on everybody else. And it's amazing what the conversation had that we have every single Sunday. And sometimes it's hilarious. Last week when we had Mother's Day, didn't realize that, you know, I didn't even think about the fact that my mother's living with cancer, that every day with my mom is the last day. It turned out to be very funny in the beginning until one of my co hosts was talking about not having a very positive relationship with her mother. And it kind of changed the whole thing of it. So if you go to motivational Sundays with Kevin and Friends, it's on our YouTube page, RMK Productions and Network, and the description is in there, the zoom link is in there. We start at 09:00 Eastern Standard Time and we have a great time last about 35 minutes.

That sounds great. Well, so good. Thank you so much for coming on. I imagine.

Imagine you'll be coming back again at some point because I feel.

Like I, I would love to come back and matter of fact, what I would like to do, I would like to have someone that actually takes my book out on a date, have someone videotape it and couples come back on that have read it and maybe do a zoom when we're all on it and talk about the book itself.

I wonder, maybe I can incorporate that into the dating challenge. I'll have to think about that. That'd be interesting.

We can, we can do that. That'll be fun.

Yeah. Yeah. Because I, I wanted to do a book club before you came on, but it wasn't enough time, you know, to like plan it, everything. But let me know in the comments too if you guys would want to do kind of like a book club around it also, because there's so much in there that is like each chapter has a whole conversation around it, which is what I really like. And then we could plan on doing something in the dating challenge. So when you go on a date, I'm like, going actual date. You could bring it, and then that would be definitely fun to do.

So the other thing is my contact numbers, and it's in the book. I'm probably the only author. Just says, you have access to me. If you like the book, write a review. If you hate the book, write an honest review. If you love the book, pass it on to someone else that's in your same situation and share it. Share it with your local media. Share it with your best friend. Share it with a couple that's already in a relationship or struggling and tell anyone that is struggling in a relationship, work it out. Okay. Because there's not a lot of great options out there, and there's only a handful of people like you and your guests or whatever that are willing to work it out. And there's a handful of people because of social media, and social media is corrupted. Dating.

Yeah, definitely.

Just, Just. Just be you and do that thing.

Yeah. Vicki said, I love the idea of a book club. I'd have to go on a date to join the challenge. And then date yourself.

You're already on a date.

There you go. Oh, I love that. Yeah. And then Mike said, definitely cards on the dating challenge. Okay, good. Then Shauna said, yes, challenge accepted. Oh, a dare. Yes. I guess Donna's in. Okay, good. You guys are good. Yes to book club. Okay, we are good. So we're doing a book club. We're adding your book to the dating challenge. All the good stuff. And some of you I saw asked a lot of, like, where to go meet people and apps. I'm actually having dating.

Dating.

Oh, my gosh. Dating with Katie is coming on tomorrow at 4 o', clock, Pacific Standard Time. Here in the group, we did an Instagram live, but she actually, since I went out of my comfort zone with Instagram, she's coming live in the Facebook group this time. And she's not used to Facebook, so it's kind of cool. Now we're, like, flipping. She does the dating apps and things like that.

Let me say this real quick. The lady that asked, where, where do you go find a date or whatever the case would be, chances are the person that's most interested in you, you've already walked by him or her constantly. And I will say this. This is me. If I would. If I were single and dating, the first place I would. I would go to find someone is at Home Depot or Lowe's, because that way I know one. They're handy, and they own their own freaking home. All right? Don't go to a bar, because all you're going to do home is bring home trouble, bring home another lonely soul, another drunk. Don't go there. Go to some place that you enjoy. If you like going to the theater, go to the theater and say hello to someone. If you like going to museums, say hello to the person that's looking at the picture that just has a dot on there and said, explain that to me. You know, look for someone that's doing something you already know, like doing, you know, and then find a comfort, because already, you know, if you. You find one thing that. That's in common, they like doing, you're. You. You're already a. Off to a great start. And then the other thing is, if you're looking for someone that has great family values, find someone that. That is connected to their family. Not a mommy's boy or daddy's boy, whatever. But if you. You know, I always say this. If someone is. Have a connection with their faith, if they don't break God's heart, they won't break yours.

Wow. Incredible. Thank you so much, Kevin. I really appreciate you.

Thank you. I had a good time. I was nervous. I would tell you.

You were?

Oh, yeah. Can't you tell?

No, I'm a big.

I'm a big fan of yours. I'm like, yay.

You know, I. I love it, though, because, like, I think so many people think that we, you know, like, when you're doing stuff like this, that you don't get nervous. Right? But it's. It's. So. It always happens where people are. And. And the thing where afterwards people are like, did I do a good job? Like, that happens a lot.

Right?

You probably hear that with your podcast, but. Or how do I do? You know, like, we all have the. Like, we're all the same, really. It just depends on who's taking the inches, you know, forward.

But. And stop. Stop being afraid. Because if you ask 100 people out that you think is your type, and you get 99 no's, and you get one yes. Only count the yes.

Yeah, I love that. And then Cynthia said, yes, have it in a book club and a challenge. Oh, Donna loves Lowe's. She loves doing, like, the ide idea of doing it at Lowe's. And then Shauna said, this was great. A lot of good advice. I love the jelly bean thing. And Carmen said, thank you. And Mike said, human all the way. Yes. All right, you guys, thanks for joining again. Come back tomorrow at 4 o', clock, Pacific Standard Time. I will be giving you the new DARE for the week. We've been kind of like rotating that around and I have a couple ideas, but I'll. I'll let you know tomorrow and do the thing. Don't wait for opportunity, create it right.