Notes from the Field - Difficult Conversations

None of us like a difficult conversation, but it's a key part of being an effective leader, knowing how to handle them. Now, let me give you an example. A few weeks ago, I had to have a difficult conversation with one of my team members. And I knew what had gone wrong from my context, from my perspective, and I knew exactly what I wanted her to do and what she didn't do. So how do we prepare for these meetings? We think about it. I'm going to tell her exactly what needs to change. I'm going to tell her and give her the steps. And as I went to do that with that particular individual, lay out my case, she stopped me kind of midterm in the case and said, well, wait a minute, Steve, you didn't give me all the details that I needed. Let me give you an example, and what's my point in all of this? When we begin with difficult conversations or thinking about difficult conversations, we naturally have the predisposition that I am right and the other person must be wrong as a result. No wonder that turns into a very difficult conversation more often than not. What this individual pointed out to me is that what it should be is a learning conversation. Instead of going in with the assumption of I'm right and she's wrong, I should have went in and trying to understand her context of what was going on. Because here was the reality. I realized that I had contributed to the issue. I thought I'd given her what she needed, but it was clear that I had not. Difficult conversations do not have to be difficult if we change the context and the approach. And I'm not talking about good information, bad feedback, good information, the sandwich we were all taught taught there are specific steps we should be taking to turn every difficult conversation into a learning conversation where both parties are committed to moving forward.