Do You Believe You Deserve The Life You Desire?

Hi, Steve Barnes here with life writing. Live Fire, Dance, Live, whatever you want to call it. It's just my way of reaching out to you and talking to you every day. Just kind of want you to grab life, to be able to embrace it. And any technology that you use to do that, I just pray that you'll find. We're going to talk about a lot about the things that I do, but the fact is that you probably already have things that if you just do them more regularly, you'll get the life that you want. And the question of why maybe you don't do the things that you believe you should do that you know you should do. It's an interesting question, don't you think? I had a breakthrough, an epiphany about this. Very, very recently, I had a friend, and I'm going to be artfully vague about this because I don't want to be too specific. I'm not interested in rubbing anybody's nose in issues. But I had a friend who built his career on having been nominated for a major award, big award. But I noticed he was easily angered and reactive and kind of fragile. He did a lot of boasting, had a lot of false certainty about things that frankly, have little objective reality. And I wondered why he was like that, why he literally stalked me when I was discussing positive attitudes about life and work and life balance and would criticize. He would just go out of his. His way, I'm trying to help people. And he would go out of his way trying to tear what I was saying apart. I had this sense that on some level he was hoping I could convince him. On some level, he was hoping he was wrong and I was right. And I thought to myself, you know, anger is fear. Anger is a mask over fear. With his level of accomplishment, what in the world did he have to be angry about? What did he have to be afraid of? I actually saw him at the awards ceremony where he was waiting to see if he'd won. And in contrast to other nominees, he seemed dark, cynical, his lips curled in a cynical smile. I mean, he was acting as if he'd be insulted by either a loss or a victory. And I asked, what in the world could produce that in time? He blew up our friendship, which was predictable. I knew that was going to happen. But you might ask, why was it predictable? You know, there was one thing that I could think of that would explain all of this. His anger, his fear, his opposition to everything that I said that was positive. That would be if he felt like an imposter and especially if on some level he felt everybody else feels that way too, that in essence I was lying. He might be hoping that I was telling the truth because he would be hoping that maybe I'd be able to help him. But his ego identity, which had been strengthened by the nomination for the award, was threatened by what I was saying. You know, if his interpretation of the award was that he was being nominated and later on rewarded for an accomplishment that wasn't actually his, that would do it. He had no pride of ownership for the very thing that he was most famous for, but was responsible for making him a huge amount of money and friends and connections. You know, I thought, what if one of the other people on the project was actually responsible for the success of that project, but for some reason hadn't taken credit? That would do it. My friend X, let's call him, would feel like a fake fraud. Every time someone praised him, complimented him, expressed affection or respect for him, he could then say to himself, if only they knew, they despise me. If they knew I took credit for another man's work, that would do it. But there'd be no way for me to ever know whether or not that was it, wouldn't it? Yeah, sometimes truth surfaces. Just last week, years after X blew up our relationship, I came across an article in Trade magazine that said exactly what I said when was true, that someone had seen his original work and thought it was terrible and another person on the project had reworked it and not taken credit. Wow. I hate being right like that. I really like X and feel that he's a man of passion and intellect who doesn't feel like he deserves his success. You know, he's accomplished very little since that award ceremony. He works on projects but they never come to fruition. He's made a lot of money, but I saw video images of him not too long ago and he looks jolly on the outside, but he's aged prematurely. He's not taking good care of himself. And there was a terrible sadness in his eyes, a constant fear that someone will discover the truth. That would do it, wouldn't it? Yeah. Didn't have to be this way. He could have had a sense of humor about it. He could have said, oh, I'm not good enough yet. Let's look at what the other team member did to improve the work. What can I learn? He could have done that, but that requires honesty and courage. You have to get out of your ego. You have to have the self confidence that I think it's pretty clear he doesn't really have, not in the quantities that enable him to speak honestly about the gap between where he is and where he wants to be. You know, maybe he's afraid that if he was honest about that, he wouldn't make as much money. That could be true. But since the only purpose of money is to either release pain or provide pleasure, I think he would have been happier overall. I mean, money is not the only wealth in the world. You know what I'm saying? Money is the adult part of your personality. The child part of you just wants to play and express and create, dream and have fun and be loved. The adult wants to make money. If he'd been in the had the right balance between the aspects of his personality, he could have nurtured the child part, trusted it, protected it, he'd have made plenty of money. Perhaps not as much at first, but he'd have had a growth mindset and over time would have achieved more, been happier and healthier. And since the only way to master your craft is by bringing all of yourself to it, body, mind and heart, he'd have become the better craftsman and eventually been the craftsman he dreamed of being then his inner self, you know, being the person he dreamed of being in his outer self, getting the rewards he wants from the external world would have been synchronized. If his inner child had been held as brilliant and precious, he'd have seen the circumstance as a lesson rather than as a negative. And I, I hope that you'll kind of pause and think back over your own life. Relationships that you may have blown up, jobs that you may have screwed up, times when you had dietary or exercise goals that you didn't keep. Those things did not match your self image. The goals did not match who you considered yourself to be. So every day walking it was, was a struggle. If he'd started with love, his energy would have been directed at improving his craft in the pace of work and feeling gratitude for the wonderful opportunities in life. Maybe he would have treated his body better. It's your vehicle in life. His heart could have been joyful and grateful. Wow, you know, I'm good enough to suck at the very highest level. You could say that you kind of got it. You earn your way into the company of people who you're going to suck at first, then you're going to get better. If you keep learning, you get the chance to model excellence. I remember when I was working with Larry Niven and Jerry Pornell and the legacy of hero. I'm not sure how many people have ever had two World class writers on opposite sides of the room, tearing their work apart at the same time. And Jerry, who's a natural teacher. Jerry's loved teaching. But he would. He could use pain. Let me tell you something. And he took some joy in it. We're slaughtering Barnes's precious pros. Was your mother scared by a gerund Barnes? I literally would drive home crying after those sessions. But I didn't quit because I knew that if I could stick with it, I could learn things that you could not learn anywhere else in the world. And what was I committed to? Feeling good about myself or being the best writer I could be? My commitment was to being the best. That little boy inside me wanted this so much. So I found myself in the position where I could create and then have my work criticized by people who had the knowledge to tell me I sucked. That was what I heard. I craved the company of people in comparison to whom I sucked. Why? Because I had faith that I could grow into the role. Because I love myself enough to protect my own heart so that I could do the things necessary to get the feedback, to walk the road that would take me to the destiny. All this stuff fits together. I feel sorry for my friend, my former friend, and I wish him peace in his journey. I truly do. But what I want for you is that you think about the life that you want would be a life of joy and service, a beautiful life. And then you ask yourself what kind of person can have that life and what things do they do every day? And one of the things I can promise you those people do is they find a way to be in a positive space where they can do the things they need to do and take joy in it, take pleasure in it. I mean, if you want a happy life, you have to be a happy person. And being a happy person isn't just about having external things going, right? It's about making a decision that you're going to live a life of joy and service. And then once you've made that decision, you simply find the things that you need to do to be that person who could walk that path and get the things that you want. I just want so much for you to have the life that you deserve. We get this one life. And if you think that what you're asking for is too much, ask yourself one simple question, one really important question. How long are you going to be dead? Armed with the answer to that question, go out and live the life you deserve. Love yourself, love your family, thrive, grow, contribute. Live that life of joy and service to the very heights. How can you do that? Well, the morning ritual is the best way I know where you walk or run or rebound or do Tai chi. That's what we do. And while you're doing it, you're chanting affirmations aloud about the kind of person you are. You imagine and give thanks for the role models who can do every day the things you need to do to stay on that path to get the thing that you want. You flood yourself with gratitude, positive emotions while you're thinking about the end point of your goal and what you need to do today, today to make it happen. You do that for 10 to 20 minutes every morning. Every morning. And you will transform your life. Please just give yourself a chance. And I cannot say how much I want to meet you, to work with you, to help advise you. Just put in your thoughts down there in the comments, ask questions, anything I can do to help. This is your life. You don't get to push a start over button. You're in the middle of it. So make today count and tomorrow count. Live a life of joy and service. The world needs you to love yourself enough to do the very best. I'll see you at See you here or over my website at www.stephen barnes. Com. Take care.