what it takes to get everything you need

Hi, Steve Barnes here with Life Writing Live. You know, I'm doing a better job of getting on here, you know, I just. I've had to do some reorganizations. Anyway, I just wanted to remind you that we do these talks as often as possible, that they relate to the path of maturation, becoming an adult, aware, alive, loving human being. And if you enjoy this talk, please share it with your friends. That's the only way that we know what people are appreciating, what is working for them. So today I wanted to talk about what it takes to get everything you need. And I'll start with a little story. Once upon a time, there was a monk named Costello. He trained in meditation in a noted monastery. And one day, after a particularly frustrating meditation session, he approached the chief abbot, the chief monk there. He said, hey, Abbot, I've been working hard for months and I need to know, what is it going to take for me to become enlightened? Well, the old monk, who had observed the young monk carefully but at a respectful distance, he smiled. He said, you really want to know, Costello? Yes, Abbot, the young man said. Then come with me, the old one said. He walked with the young man down to the river, and suddenly, with an eagle's grip, he seized Costello by the neck and thrust his face into the stream. The young monk struggled madly, but he could not escape the elder's grip. At the point he was about to pass out, the abbot pulled his head up, gave one breath of air, and then put his head back in the water, did that until another breath, and then back in the water over and over again, And then finally yanked the kid out, threw him on the riverbank. And the kid is laying there going, spitting up water, probably a couple of tadpoles, maybe a frog or two. And the old monk said, now, what were you feeling, Costello? And the young monk recalled from him, terrified, but then finally answered. He said, I. I thought that I'd do anything, anything for just one more teaspoon of air. Just one more teaspoon of air. The old monk smiled at him and said, when you want enlightenment that much, then you will begin. Jason broke his ankle a week ago and he's been miserable ever since. Then what he liked to do was camp out in the living room and settle into an aimless haze and playing video games with kids. I suppose they're kids who mysteriously have no school to attend. I don't know where he's finding these guys, and they don't have anything to do and they want him to not do it with them. We had a clash of wills about this yesterday, and I won. He was miserable, profane, spitting venom at me. But remember, anger is fear, and I was calculatedly unresponsive. Except when I removed him from the PlayStation and took his phone, isolating him in a world of pain and grief. It was terrible. It really was. And it was all I could do to maintain that emotional distance from him. I mean, all I wanted to do was nurture him. But in this particular instance, nurturing him would have been exactly the wrong thing to do. You know, I would have done that with Nikki, and it would have been the right thing to do with her. But he's different. I have to make him come to me. I have to force him to find the internal motivation to take that step. If I don't, I'm cheating my boy. I'm dooming him. You know, I watch the emotional storms come and go. Every time that they reach the level where they would cost him a job, I'm starting to tell him, you just lost your job, you can't pay your rent or buy food, and I hope you're not married and don't have any kids because you just let them down again. Jeez. Man, oh, man, did it hurt to say that. And the only reason I could get away with it and he would listen to me is because of our emotional rapport. He knows I adore him, would do anything for him, but what he doesn't have is the confidence that he will find his way out of his emotional maze and become an attack. The fear creates a false ego shell composed of the juvenile bravado that passes for wisdom among teenagers. It's fed by the illusion of competence that is fostered by video games. Just look at them. Performing feats of skill and courage beyond Navy Seals and circus acrobats and world class MMA fighters. Wow. It's a world in which tests and injuries and loneliness don't really exist. In which your friends are people you've never met and who enjoy shooting you in the back. And if you disappear off the game board, they don't care where the notion of pulling your head out of your. I mean, of shutting off the PlayStation and picking up a textbook to study, is a dose of real world pain. No, you aren't a great hero or a cowboy or a ninja or a master criminal. You're a kid with no idea how you will become an adult. How to protect your body. Satisfy your sexual urges with integrity. Develop the power to build and protect a home and family. Feel safe enough to open your heart and genuinely love yourself and another human being. Later, after the emotional storms had passed and he tearfully done his homework, realizing he'd lost his other privileges for the day, he was miserable, wondering how he could have avoided the mistake that got him here, the moment of lost focus on the football field that led him to slipping and having the sled run over his leg, which shattered his illusions of invulnerability so that he had no agency over his body or behavior. You know, pretty damn good metaphor for taking the wrong road in life, don't you think? I really couldn't have asked for anything better. Great pattern interrupt. Question is, can I use it to help him? What do I do? He finally asked, as honestly and openly as I've ever heard him, with a voice that was both mature and vulnerable. What do you want? I asked. I don't know, he cried. In other words, I am afraid to ask for what I really want. It hurts to strive and fail. It's better to pretend nothing matters. No, it is numbing to pretend nothing matters. It's a shot of Novocaine directly into your heart because it hurts to care, just as you can and will probably injure yourself exercising or playing sports. There's only one problem. Not caring. Not exercising is even more damaging. It ultimately hurts so much more to never strive. Striving and losing is at least honest pain that helps you map the territory of your life. What I said was, you don't know what you want because you don't know who you are. See, he has two questions to ask himself. Who am I? And what is true? And every day he must struggle with those. Every day, with every action, every thought, those two questions are in the background. You see, once you know who you are, you know what you have to do, or once you know what you really want, you know the kind of person you are or the kind of person you must be in order to do that thing with integrity and joy. The questions are connected. Once you know who you are or what you want and who who you are or must become, you know why you want to want to do those things. When you have enough reasons, the fear and obstacles vanish, as if your child was trapped in a burning house. The only question is, what do I do to rescue my child? See this picture? This is a picture of Jason's sister, Nikki, holding Jason as a little baby. It sits on our refrigerator door. He swears that he remembers when that picture was taken. In all likelihood, no, he doesn't. We don't really. Our memories before the age of Three or four are phantoms. But I want to argue with him because constructed or not, it's his first memory. And it's a cute memory, isn't it? That's an adorable memory. It really, really is. It's a memory of love and support and caring. And his sister Nikki is unutterably beautiful to him. Last night, very casually, I asked him, can you visualize yourself as a baby? And this time he said, yes. I said, can you imagine holding that child? Yes, he could. I let his imagination go there until he was smiling, his face relaxed, adrift in a world of peace and love. And what would you do to protect that child, that innocent, helpless child, if someone tried to hurt him? And I watched him bare his teeth. Something inside him heard me. And he knew he would do anything, anything to protect that child. Look at me, I said to him. I am doing all in my power to give you the tools that you will need to do just that. To protect your dreams, to walk the world with power and dignity, to find love, to build a home, to have the family that you want and to be able to protect them. All you have to do is be real with me. Be the son that I love. I would do anything to protect you. What are you willing to do to protect yourself? Enlightenment is an odd word. It's a step beyond non dualistic thought, an extreme and rarefied state. But there's a state before you get there that we call awakened adulthood. And that state is available to all of us. And it is a goal worth striving. That thing, being an awakened adult is what you really need in life. And all it takes to get everything you need is everything you've got. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for the child you used to be. All the aliveness, the joy, the creativity and energy is right there. It's still there. It's waiting for you to hold your own head in the river and remember the blessing of your next breath at every moment of life. That reality is available if you just go beyond ego and seize it. I don't know what will happen with Jason. I do know that I will look for every moment where he is willing and able to be real with me. And I will tell him in no uncertain terms that he is worth the world. But there is nothing I would not do for him. But I cannot do it for him. That he is my boy and I love him. Namaste, everybody. I hope you're having a wonderful day. If you enjoyed this, please be sure to share it again. This is the only way that we know what people are appreciating. And if you want your own copy of the Ancient Child Meditation totally free, go to www.the ancient child.com. take care.