How To Never See Anything The Same Again: Part 3

Stockholm. Now I never wanna go home.

Okay, there it is for the third and final time, the Stockholm song, which has been the theme music these last couple of weeks for our travel series on the Becoming youg Podcast, our travel series about going far away to come back home and up close and very personal with yourself. And not just yourself, with your values. Hello. Hi, this is Susie Welch. I'm an author, I'm a researcher and a professor at nyu, and your deeply devoted host. And this is the Becoming youg Podcast, in which every week we ask the question, hey, what the heck are you doing with your life? And why are you doing that? And are you sure it's the right thing? Because we want to know. We want to know. We really do. Because living a life of purpose is a really beautiful thing. It's beautiful. It's hard to do. It's hard. It's so hard. It's the work of our life. You have to fight for it. You know, like the old Beastie Boy song used to say, you have to fight for your right to party. You really have to fight for your right to live authentically and with meaning and purpose. But that is what we are here for on the becoming you pod. And that leads me one last time to this quote that Marcel Proust said back. I don't know, 1900. The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. Yeah. So in the first episode of this series, I talked about a trip I took to the Taj Mahal with my husband in 2005, and how that really upended my understanding of the value of romantic love, which we call belovedness in becoming universe. Then last week, we went to Sicily for a little sob fest, and I talked about how unearthing a very suppressed family secret blew open my understanding of the value of scope and how that has really played out in my life and just changed my life, really. And this week we are traveling to. Well, let us take a listen. That song, by the way, is called Paris in Spring. And that is almost exactly. You knew it was Paris, right? Is almost exactly when this story occurred in 2025, just a few months ago. But it was actually more like summer. In fact, it was July 11th, I believe. Okay, so fully. So fully summer. Paris in summer. All right, so here's a story about what happened in Paris on. In July last year, in 2021, a year after my husband died, I was kind of. I mean, I was not kind of. I was completely lost, and I was fading into oblivion in upstate New York, walking my Dogs, day in and day out, trying to figure out what I was going to do next with my. My life. And the family was beginning to go back. The family had been living with me up there while we were all kind of living through the pandemic and recovering from Jack's passing. And the family was beginning to get a little worried because mom seemed to be kind of lost and walking the dogs kind of a scary amount. And right in that period, I got asked to come back on the Today show on the third hour with Jenna and Hoda and I. I walked into the studio, and this incredible, beautiful Godsent eureka dawned on me, which was. Hiding up in the woods was not the answer. I needed to get back to work. And I loved the Today show and still love going on, but that was not the work I wanted to continue doing with my life. And I had at that time, an idea for a class which was to become Becoming you. I brought it to NYU Stern. The dean said, well, this sounds kind of interesting. I wish I had taken a class that helped me figure out what to do with my life when I was in business school. And I said, so do I wish I'd taken this class? And so one thing led to another, and I started teaching Becoming you at Stern. And it was. My timing was immaculate, as I like to say, because I was teaching a class about how to figure out what to do with your life as people were coming out of the pandemic. And I also happened to be teaching it to people who are in graduate school, which we all know people go to graduate school when they don't know what to do with their life. So the class took off. I ended up writing the book Becoming you, which I highly recommend, by the way. And I started teaching Becoming you on the NYU campus to people who don't go to NYU and open enrollment. And it grew, its footprint grew. Thousands of people have taken it now to the point where we are now certifying coaches and so forth. But I have to tell you a really important thing that happened in the midst of all of this growth. I started to really dig down into what I was teaching. And I was teaching a lot about values. And I thought. I mean, I was trying to research as much as I could about what I was teaching around values, and. And students were getting a lot out of it. But it was not lost on me that I did not know as much as I should about values. There was a gigantic scholarly field about what values were that was hundreds of years old, and I was too surface level for my own comfort. And very early on, maybe four or five months in, I really remember feeling very convicted that I was not knowledgeable enough to be teaching students in the way I was. And in fact, it brought back a memory to me, a memory of when I was went to go work at a summer camp in my late teens. Okay, it was my first year in college. I went to go work at a summer camp. I went to work at the summer camp because my very cute boyfriend was working at the boys version of the girls camp. And I arrived there, and the head of the camp said, well, we're going to have you teach tennis. And I said, I don't know how to. I don't know how to play tennis very well. And she said, you just have to be better than the campers. And that's what it felt like in my classroom. I knew about values. I just knew about it a little bit more than my students. That wasn't cool to me because I took being a professor really seriously. I thought, that's it. I'm going to be a professor for the rest of my days. I love it. And it was going really well. And it still is. Thanks. Thanks to so many wonderful people at Stern. So very early on, right in this process, my best friend was over visiting from England. She happens to be a lifelong scholar. She's a very esteemed scholar. She has two PhDs. She's the vice chancellor of the University of Bristol. She's a fancy scholar. And I was bitching and moaning about this to her. And I said to her, I'm doing research that's PhD worthy. I've got to learn more. And she basically, in her crisp British accent, said to me, you just stop complaining. Go get your PhD. And I said, I don't know how to do that. And she really walked me through the process. And she said, if we promise to not speak to each other for two years, why don't you apply to the University of Bristol? Because we obviously had to keep it very clean. And I ended up applying and getting into the University of Bristol's PhD program. And I entered into a tunnel like no other. And I've talked about it on this podcast before. The hardest intellectual thing I've ever done in my life was get my PhD in values expression. I have gone to school. I've gone to very good schools. I've gotten my master's, I've got my mba. But there was nothing, nothing that compares to the intellectual torture of getting my PhD, of digging deep into this field that's old and rich. And nuanced and reading every academic, academic paper, every scholarly thing that's ever been written about values and just bathing in it and unpacking it. And there were times, so many times where I was going to bail and I would call or write my thesis advisors, they were long suffering my thesis advisors. And I would say, I can't do it. Your girl has gone as far as she can go. And they, occasionally they'd kick my butt in very polite British way, by the way, or they would be very encouraging. And there were many times, I mean, when I wrote my thesis over again for like the 13th time because they kept on making me go back to the well and do more. When I handed it in, I'm not getting like the 9th or 11th or 12th, 13th time, I said to my thesis advisor, Graham Abbey, I said to him, if this isn't right, I'm done. I, I've tried as hard as I can. And I was doing this like, look, I'm teaching full time, I'm running, becoming U Labs. And so I was doing it like at midnight and five in the morning and sometimes I wake up at three because the house was quiet and I'd work on my thesis then I'm in my research then. And when I sent this like final version and I said to Graham, abby, if this isn't it, I, I'm done. I've reached the end. I, I have failed. I cann it. And I like waited and waited for the email back and I got an email back from him and my other very smart thesis advisor and they said, susie, this is it. And I sat at my desk and I wept. I wept from exhaustion and I wept from joy. I was so proud. And that was just the beginning because then you have to revise your thesis and then you have to go through the firing squad, oops, I mean the examining group. And I went before my examiners. That was a, a day that will live in infamy. But I, I passed. And it was joyous and it was unbelievable that I finally did it. And it made me such a better teacher. It changed the values bridge. It created the values bridge. It created the Welch Bristol Values Inventory. That's why the whole system of becoming you is based on something called the Welch Bristol Values Inventory. Out of gratitude to this university that walked me through all of this. And I named my inventory after them and because that's where the research happened and the values bridges, because of all of this happened, it made me the professor I wanted to be. It made me the professor my Students deserved. They were putting so much trust in me, and they were. It just refined and elevated everything I was doing. Okay, moment of truth. Time to get my PhD. Time to walk across the stage, get my PhD handed to me, and put on the floppy velvet hat which every PhD wears. Oh, my God. This was the big day. And so it was happening in the middle of July last year, and I was. You know, some people skipped their graduations. You got to believe. I was not skipping this graduation. No way. So I asked my family, who wants to come watch me? And unfortunately, my oldest kids could not come because of the baby was too young. And Eve could not come because of her own work. But the very dutiful Marcus and Eva, my son and his wife, came, and also my daughter Sophia, who, if you've been with this podcast for a while, you've heard Sophia, as we often call on Sophia, because she's the big truth teller, and. And she's funny and hilarious and wonderful. So to sweeten the experience, because, you know, it's not like my kids were jumping out of their skin with joy to come to a graduation in Bristol, England, in the middle of July. They all have lives and do their own thing. I said, why don't we go to Paris for two days before we go down to Bristol for my graduation? And this, of course, immediately made everyone very happy. You know, I'm not going to say they were as motivated as I was to go see the renovation at Notre Dame. I mean, I was obsessed. If there was one thing we were going to do, I'm a very faithful person. Cosmos is my number one value. And I was like, the first thing we're doing there is we're going to go get a tour of the renovated Notre Dame. I mean, remember Notre Dame burnt? And it was renovated in a way. I highly recommend you doing this, by the way, no matter if you're faithful or not. What they did to save Notre Dame is a magnificent testament to the human spirit and will. So, anyway, we got to Paris, we went to Notre Dame. It was a very moving experience. But then everybody kind of wanted to split up. Marcus and Eva wanted to go look at antiques, and Sophia wanted to go watch the US Open back in the hotel room because she's a tennis fanatic. And that left me alone in Paris for a few hours. And now, because I'm a widow, I'm alone more than you would think. Okay, I've got my dogs. But, like, when the weekend comes, I mean, I usually see a friend here and a friend there, but I'M usually kind of walking around with my dogs, and I'm kind of. I'm used to being alone. There was some tenderness in my heart about being alone in Paris, which was a city jacket and I loved and went to all the time, so I missed him. And so I decided to walk around my favorite parts of Paris without Jack. Yeah, I did that. I did that. So I walked around for a few hours. I started to get a little melancholy, and I thought, what the heck is wrong with you? You should be having fun. You're walking around Paris. And I thought, okay, this is. This is not feeling all good and fuzzy inside. I think what I really want to do is I saw this beautiful little bar, outdoor cafe on Ile de Cite, which is, to my mind, the prettiest part of Paris. It's the island in the middle of the Seine. And I want to sit there, and I want to have a glass of champagne, and I want to have some oysters. Now, I think you've heard me say many of you that I'm a vegan. And maybe you're thinking, oh, how can a vegan have oysters? And I'm sorry, if you're going to be grossed out. You can just, like, jump over this part. But my. My rule with veganism is that I don't eat anything that suffers, and oysters don't have central nervous system, okay? So sorry. Not sorry. But that's why I eat oysters or also. Also eat clams, okay? And they're delicious, by the way. So I wanted to sit on at this little outdoor cafe, and I wanted to have champagne and oysters. I wanted to, like, just be so overjoyed that I was there getting my PhD and that I was healthy and my kids were with me. And this was the. I. I had this incredible achievement, and I wanted just to. Okay, I want to be very blunt. I, like, wanted to have a good time. I wanted to have enjoyment. I wanted to feel the sweetness of life. I had done my hard work walking all around Notre Dame, peppering the guide with questions about, like, all sorts of things, you know, kind of history nerd. And I thought, I just want to have a moment where I relax and kick back. And then I thought, I just can't bring myself to go sit alone in that bar. I just can't do it. I just. So I got on the phone with Sophia and I begged her to leave the US Open in her hotel room. I begged her, and I said, please come down and have champagne and oysters with me at this absolutely charming Bar, let's just do it. And she kind of was like, I don't want to come. And I pleaded with her. I might have bribed her. And I want to pause here because I want to call Sophia right now. She is in la, and I want her to describe what happened at that moment.

Hello.

Wake up, sleepy head. Sorry. In your own memory and in your own words, can you describe what happened after you got there?

I arrived, and you were, like, in a state of shock because you had just been, like, enjoying yourself. You've just been sitting down there with oysters and wine, and you were like.

I'm having so much fun.

You're like, I'm having fun. You said, I can't believe people do this, like, all the time. You're like, I can't believe people go on vacations and, like, have fun.

Yeah. I said a little bit about. About how unnatural it felt. Right? Yes.

Yeah. You didn't know the last time that you had had, like, taken a breath, I guess, or. I. I don't. I don't know how you want to categorize it.

Knowing me as you do and knowing all about the value system. Like, we all know that eudaimonia is my 15th out of 16th value. I think I probably even use the language with you. And I probably said, like, this is Eudaimonia. Like, I am actually doing nothing. I'm not working. There is no. There is no end. End to this means. Right. I'm just sitting here enjoying life.

Yeah. Yes. I think part of you is definitely uncomfortable with it, with having fun. Yeah.

Have you.

Yeah.

You know, have you ever seen me have Eudaimonia? No. I did say to you on point, I can't believe there are people who just do this all the time.

Yes, that's exactly what you said.

Yeah. All right, well, thank you so much, sweetheart. I hope you have a day that is filled with work, centrism, and achievement. Okay, Love you. Bye. Bye.

Goodbye.

Bye. All right, well, this is the story. I mean, I. I was having what most people call eudaimonia, which is a state of sort of personal flourishing, which is fun, which is unfettered, unrelated to work. And, you know, eudaimonia, there are 16 values. My dead last value is belovedness, romantic love. I've just put that out of my life because I am. Jack was my person, and I will see him again in heaven. But I. Eudaimonia, which is a top value for the vast majority of people, 64% on average, have it in their top five values. The only generation, generation that does not have eudaimonia in their top five values is the silent generation. People over 78 years old, older than me. It does decrease with age. I mean, I have to say generationally, sort of personal self care, flourishing and recreation were not values when I was young. You postponed eudaimonia, but I think the pandemic and other things in our culture have changed it. So the people are like, I actually was looking to hire somebody the other day as consultant, basically, for a project that we're working on. And I looked at her LinkedIn, and in her profile of herself, she said, I prioritize self care. I mean, this would be unheard of 15 or 20 years ago. You know that. And now people say it openly. I know my students. Gen Z has a very, very high priority in this. And I'm not judge, I'm not judgmental. My children have eudaimonia as a much higher value than I do, but I have very high values of scope of radius, work, centrism and achievement. My top value, again, being cosmos. And I'm an agnost. I don't think there's any judgment in it. It's what's right for you. I have never enjoyed enjoyment. I am like a working girl. When I was three years old, I saw people with briefcases and I thought, I want one of those. And, you know, you can have a really negative reaction to this or you can understand. I have a good sense of humor about it. I mean, I met my match with Jack. We left our honeymoon early because we were bored, because we weren't working. Okay? We were laying on the beach reading a book, and he looked at me and goes, can we. Is this. Can we get this over with? And I was like, I'm so bored. And we flew home on our honeymoon after three days so we could get back to work. And we were so happy. Now, big fat problem. If he had high, Eudaimonia and I had low, but we were both the same that work was, you know, work is fun, but Eudaimonia is different. Eudaimonia is when you. When you pause and when you do stuff that just feels really good. And I'm just not in that business. I don't do it. And, like, sitting there eating those oysters was absolutely an unnatural act. I tolerated it for about an hour and a half. And I was looking around at the other people saying to Sophia, look, they're just doing this like it's normal, okay? So I think that I knew this about myself before I got to Paris. But I embraced it in a new way. I mean, I was so happy when we got to Bristol and I could start seeing all the people who worked on my PhD with me and we could start talking about scholarly stuff. It's just who I am. And it's not better or worse. Right. But I think that, like, you know, like, my whole team knows this about me and they're younger and most of them have eudaimonia as a top value. I often say to them on the weekend, go have some Eudaimonia. And I think we shouldn't fight about it and we shouldn't judge each other about it. I think that Eudaimonia is a lightning rod value, just like achievement is. People have very strong emotions about it. They get very, very judgy. And in fact, eudaimonia is called hedonism. In the older ones, like from the 40s and the 90s, there's good values inventories, but they call what we call self care in conversation, they call it hedonism. And that's super judgy. So I wanted to take that out with Eudaimonia. So I wonder, you know, travel is activity that really shows us about our values. And a lot of times, because how much we are enjoying our vacations or what we're doing on it. Do we go sit on a beach or do we go on a, you know, do we go on a trip to Costa Rica where we do eco tourism, where we, like, clean up a river? What do we do? And what's our relationship? What is our relationship with Eudaimonia and our relationship with work centrism, and how does that align with the lives we are currently living and the people we are in relationship with? Okay, that's really important. Like, I am so lucky that my family gets my values. Of course, we talk about them all the time. Like, I know where eudaimonia is and work centrism is for all of my kids. And we talk about it in a way that has no judgment. And, you know, all you have to do is just understand that your choices around these things have consequences. And that's fine if you can accept that. And so I highly recommend, if you're having friction with somebody, to have a conversation about where you both stand on these values. You can find out where you stand on all the values by taking the values bridge. Highly Recommend that activity valuesbridge.com There's a free version, but there's also a paid version, just to be transparent about it. And I think that it's these are the values of achievement, work, centrism, eudaimonia. Much more controversial than, say, the values of like. Like belonging, which is the friendship value or scope, which is I've talked about in another one of these in last week's podcast, which is the value of sort of adventure and stimulation. So I would like to go back to Paris. But the main point is I want us all to make peace with our values. I've made a lot of peace with my low Eudaimonia. I make fun of it. I'm going to start a low Eudaimonia pride club. Okay? I mean, the silent generation may be the only members with me, but I've been told by people my whole life to stop working and have fun. That's what people say to me. Jack didn't do it. But I don't think we should tell people how to organize their lives. I don't think we should judge each other. I think we should live our values freely and fully and authentically. And that's what we are all about at becoming YouLabs. All right, I want to thank you so much. I'd love to hear your travel stories and what you saw with new eyes about your values. You can write me at hello, Suzie Welch dot com. Have a fabulous week living your values. We'll be back next week with becoming you. I'm Susie Welch. Now.

I never want to go home. I left my heart in Stockholm.