Marriage After Baby

Ask you something. How have your relationships changed since your baby was born? Have you thought about it? I want you to know it's normal that relationships change. That's just part of life. Our responsibilities, our viewpoints, the things we think about. It changes after a baby's born. For example, did you ever think you would actually care about the color of someone's poop? No. That it takes you becoming a parent to care about that. Right. So unless you're a nurse, then you probably care. But you see my point, right? I want to talk to you today about your significant other, your partner, your spouse. Because that relationship can change, and it will change. It's normal for it to change. But I just want to. I want to talk to you about it, because anybody that knew might. My husband and I, when our kids were little, I think they look at us today and they're thinking, I cannot believe they're still together. We were on a crash course to divorce. And that's embarrassing to admit, but I'm gonna tell you, any of our friends or family, they would be like, oh, yeah, it wasn't good. It was bad. And I shared with you last week, the week before, about that miscarriage a couple years ago. That was the turning point for us, I think. I was so broken. And my husband said to me, kara, this is the first time in 10 years that you've needed me. And I think it was in that moment that we decided, like, okay, are we gonna work towards this and, like, grow together? Are we done? And, you guys, I'm not a therapist. I don't have training in this, but I'm just a girl on Instagram who's maybe a couple miles ahead on this journey. And if anything I can share can help you and your relationship, I want to do that. So I want to share some things with you. Sleep is a huge one. Sleep is big. And this is why I'm so passionate about baby sleep. Not because I think you need a perfect nap schedule. It's because my whole life, I wanted to be a mom. And then when I became. Became one, I wasn't the mom I wanted to be. And it's. It's hard to be you when you're absolutely exhausted. And it's hard to be connected in a marriage or in a relationship when you're exhausted. So this is why I'm so passionate about sleep. Many of you have sent me messages. Cara, you saved my marriage. And although it makes me happy, when I read that, I want you to know I didn't I give you tools to get your baby sleeping, and then you begin sleeping. And that's. That's so important in your relationship, in your marriage. And so when you tell me that, it makes me happy, because I know how important your relationship being strong is. But it's all about having those tools and having a good sleeper so that you, too, can be good sleepers, too. Okay? This is your reminder that you find what you're looking for. Okay? I used to. You know what I used to tell my husband, like, why are you so messy? Can you please just pick up after yourself? Like, that's what I was focusing on. But you know what I never focused on? He always checked the tire pressure in my car. He always made sure that my windshield was, like, clean. Why? Because it was really important to him that the kids and I were safe in the car. But I never commented on that. It's seemed dumb to me. You know, what I cared about was the house being picked up, but he cared about our safety. And so I think one thing that we're working on is pointing out the things in one another that's, like, good that you. But you have to look for it, because if you look for the negative, you'll find that, too. And so we're trying to look for the good. And I want to encourage you to do the same, like, find something. And speaking of admiration, you want to know something? My husband started about a year and a half ago. He started kissing me on my lips every day. You guys. Prior to that, we didn't do that. And that's embarrassing to admit. Like, oh, but that's honestly where we were. And now if he leaves the house, he comes and kisses me. If he comes home, he comes and kisses me. Not too much. I'm saying, like, once or twice a day before we fall asleep, he kisses me. And it felt weird at first. And I. Looking back, I'm like, why didn't I start that? I didn't, but he did. And so now it's become kind of normal. I don't know. That's embarrassing. But that's where we were, right? We had four kids, ages 6 and under, and number three and four, they were 12 months apart. So when my kids were babies, they. My idea was divide and conquer. You go through the mail, I'll clean up dinner, I'll give baths. You go gas up the cars. Like, that's. That's the way we survive. Divide and conquer, right? We never did anything together because it was just about surviving, I think. And after a while, that starts. That starts wearing on Your relationships. I know it's hard, especially when the babies are little, but if you can do anything, like, hey, let's clean up dinner together, let's go through the mail together, even if you're just standing side by side. We've started doing that, and it makes a big difference. I know it's hard when the babies are little, but it makes a big difference. Five minutes. Give it a try. Five minutes. We started playing high point, low point. Okay, what was the high point of your day? What was the lowest point of your day? And guys, about a year ago, my husband and I were doing this. And you know, sometimes he's goofy. Like, oh, the highlight of my day was when you put those pajamas on. Like, I don't need to hear that. But like he said, the low point of my day was calling these parents and telling them that they need to go see an oncologist and the lab work wasn't looking good. And you guys had stopped me in my tracks, like, oh, my gosh, how many times over the years did I just assume he was seeing sore throats and ear infections? And I hand him a crying baby as he walks in the door and say, here, now, I needed help. That's what I needed from him when he came home. But I had zero compassion. I didn't know what he'd been through. And so when we start doing this, it just helps me go, oh, that was hard for you. And I wish I would have told him, like, had we played this game back in the day when my kids were babies, I could just picture myself saying, the high point of my day was getting a whole load of laundry done. The low point of my day was realizing that the high point of my day was getting a load of laundry done. You guys, I'm an achiever. I like to be productive. I like to. I want to change the world. And when I was a stay at home mom, that was an important role that I was doing just what I needed to do. But had he known, like, I feel like I'm not valuable. Had he known that, maybe he would have been able to. And you're home with them and it's so important. Like, maybe I just wish we would have played this game together when our babies were young. I think it could have really helped us both. Okay, here's the truth. Had we played that game, I know my husband, you know what he would have said? He would have said, well, Kara, everybody needs laundry. That's important. That probably would have made me mad. But the point is, like, okay, but we could talk about it. And since we've been doing this, I feel like I have so much more compassion for him. And I celebrate his wins, and he celebrates mine, and so we didn't do it when our babies were little, but will you. Will you just try it? Just. It's gonna feel weird the first few days, okay? But just keep doing it. Keep doing it, because it's gonna get. It's gonna get good. All right? Take my word. It gets good. This is tough, I know right now, especially. But I'm gonna tell you, in my mind, dating meant I put on a cute outfit, and he surprises me and brings me a bouquet of flowers and takes me out to a restaurant I've never. Never been to. And then we stopped for ice cream. And, like, that's a date to me. Guys, remember the part where relationships change? Can I tell you, that's not my husband. He will do that if I. I have to plan it. Okay? But you know what he will do? He'll say, babe, I'm watching this show. Come on, sit down. Let me make you a cup of coffee. And he does things like that. So that's what dating looks like for us. And that's good. Like, it's different than what I wanted when I was 20 something. But right now, it's what we need, and it's good. So maybe for you, watching Dateline isn't your idea of a good date. It works for us right now. But maybe you want to go out for a dinner or you want to train for a half marathon together or whatever it is. Just find a way to do something special together. I hope this was helpful. Please hear me. I'm not a. I'm not a marriage therapist. I'm just telling you this. This is what I've learned. And if you're in a situation that's not safe, I want you to get out. Take those babies, get out. But if that's not your situation and you're just looking and the grass seems greener, I just want to remind you, the grass is green. Greener where you water it. And sometimes it needs more than water. It needs fertilizer. And you know what that is Oftentimes crap. So sometimes you're gonna have to walk through crap to get to that green grass. Okay? So I'm gonna tell you, we weren't gonna make it. All right? We had to take steps to say, we're gonna make it. And maybe for you, it's. It's getting counseling and. And working through things. I don't know. Your situation, but I care. And I know a strong home life will really help your baby.