Direct Communication Isn't Always the Best

Plain speaking, direct speaking. We're told over and over again that these are desirable things. This is what people say they want. Here's the problem. It's not always true. There's something about human beings and our psychological makeup. We go into a defense mechanism, a defense mode. If we receive criticism that shatters our self image or our self esteem. So the problem with direct communication is sometimes it just hurts too much. It stings too much. That's why, as I've recommended in other episodes, if you're going to criticize someone or help a colleague, you can't just lead with the strongest criticism, even though that might be the most direct. Telling a family member or spouse or work associate just right away, you're lazy and you're a pig if they ask your opinion of them. Yeah, it's direct, it is communicating. But it's likely to be wildly ineffective because you're just going to throw up defense mechanisms and they're not going to hear anything else you say. So you always have to ask yourself, what is it I'm trying to communicate? Is it something that is likely to be perceived as criticizing, critical or threatening in any way? That's why. And this podcast series is not about dating, folks, and it's not about single relationships. But I will this one time give the example. It's why a young person, let's say in this hypothetical example, a boy wants to ask the prettiest girl in his school out on a date because he thinks she's so pretty, if he just calls her up, says, hi, you want to go out on a date with me Friday night? That's direct communication, but it's too abrupt and sometimes it's a little scary and it seems weird. It doesn't work very well if you do that. There has to be other communication. There has to be some steps that lead up to it. There has to be a relationship before you ask something at that level. And I realize I'm dating myself. No one would call these days. They would send a text. But even that can be too abrupt. If there's no other communication before that, the point is still the same. The most direct form of communication is not necessarily the best. Sometimes you need to stop. Give an example, allow someone to relate to it. Sometimes a roundabout way is the best way of getting there. Sometimes you're better off talking about your own flaws, your own deficiencies, how you overcame it before you even start talking to someone else about their problems. This applies to individuals at the family level. It may apply to a politician talking to a major, vast constituency. So human beings, we like to say we want direct talk, frank talk, clear, simple, short, brief. But that's not necessarily the case. You've got to look at the overall impression you leave. You've got to look at the subject matter you're trying to convey. Yes, being direct and simple is the best way a lot of the time, even most of the time. But if there's something that involves criticism, if there's something that involves a threat, if there's something that involves an individual or a group's vulnerability, you have to be subtle. You have to take baby steps in your words, in your examples, in your messages and what you ask for.