Ep 4 Are You a Sexist Public Speaker?

Do the people you speak to think you're a sexist?

Speaking the show about effective speaking in public, to the media, at work and in Life. Speaking with T.J. walker.

Now, folks, nobody these days really likes to think of themselves as a sexist, a racist, any other sort of ist, but it's a reality. We all have biases. And just because you don't run around actively oppressing or physically harming somebody different from you doesn't mean you don't have some biases that strike other people as bad. Now, this struck home to me during a recent presidential debate. In 2015, Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey gave some opening remarks where he talked about how moms all over, I believe it was California, were preparing their children to go to school while the dads were off to work. Now, I was watching the debate. I was listening to him. I was analyzing every aspect of communication, style, substance. And I have to tell you, until the next day, when other people were commenting on how sexist Chris Christie was to sort of assume in 2015 that the women were stay at home moms and the dads were the only ones making money, I missed. I completely went over my head. Now, does this mean I am some sort of evil sexist who goes around trying to oppress women and conform, force women to conform into sex hysteria? I hope not. I don't think so. I think of myself as a feminist. I've read Betty Friedan. I think of myself as an egalitarian. I'm certainly trying to raise my daughter that way. But we all have biases. I grew up in a home where my father was the only breadwinner for the time I was growing up. My mom was the traditional Leave it to Beaver June Cleaver, traditional homemaker wife. So when Chris Christie said that, it didn't instantly resonate with me as some kind of a faux pas, but other people did find it a little bit offensive. It's particularly ironic given Chris Christie's household. His wife has a successful Wall street career and has made more money than Chris Christie has. So interesting tidbit. I can also tell you, earlier in my career, I had a PowerPoint slide that I thought was funny and demonstrated what I wanted people to do with their speaking message. Points for media interviews that were over the phone, I wanted them staring at it. So I had a picture of somebody whose eyes were bugging out. Now, one day I had a client Tell me, T.J. that's racist. Certainly wasn't my intent. Did I want to debate my client and tell him no, he's wrong for thinking that that picture is racist. Well, that's like trying to argue with someone over whether a joke is funny or isn't funny. It's something each individual gets to decide on their own. So what did I do? I just switched out the photo because I don't if it bothers this guy and this guy thinks it's racist, maybe other people would think it's racist or find it offensive or distracting. That wasn't my intent with that PowerPoint slide. And so what did I do? I changed the slide. I found another slide, tested it, and nobody was bothered by it. More important, people focused on the message I was really trying to convey, which is, for a telephone interview, you should in fact be staring at at your message points. So I do want you to think about that. We all have biases. Nobody's perfect. Everybody comes from a particular background where certain things are just assumed, and the rest of the world doesn't see it that way. So my advice? Practice your speeches and your presentations in front of people who represent what your audience is likely to be and get feedback. And that will help you dramatically, not just in what you say, but how you say it.

Body Language.

When it comes to body language between men and women, I find, sure, there are some subtle differences, but I find the similarities far outweigh the differences. Whether you are a man or a woman speaking, the things that make you look nervous and uncomfortable are remarkably similar. If you stand in one place and your hand is on the lectern and you're sort of frozen and stiff, whether you're a man or a woman, you will be perceived as uncomfortable, lacking in confidence. If you walk around, if you gesture, if you're looking at people, if your head moves, your face moves, you will be perceived by and large as more comfortable, confident, and relaxed. So from my standpoint, as a practitioner of the presentation and media training trade, working with thousands of people all over the globe, to me, it's the similarities that are more important in the sexes, I can tell you. I have found that women often perceive that there's a difference, that they're somehow not allowed to walk around or gesture or be as forceful and confident as men. I've never actually seen a female in business punished for being a good communicator and communicating in a way that exudes confidence. Now, it may be that there's somebody who is a sexist who doesn't like women, who would, no matter how they presented, would criticize them. I don't dismiss that at all. But it's not because of how they communicate. It's certainly possible that a man can interrupt and Jim, that's a great question. A woman can interrupt and ask the very same question. Jane, why are you always interrupting? There is sexism in the world, folks. I can't control that. All I can control is how I come across when I speak. And I'm trying to give you the same advice that I would follow myself. And if you're a woman, I'm a man. Obviously, it's not exactly the same, but I want to give you the advice I would give if you were one of my clients. Now, there are some things not to do.

What not to say and do.

Okay, you guys, listen up there. I did it right there. And I've been guilty of this in the past. There are men who speak to audiences of men and women and refer to you guys. Guess what? A lot of women don't like to be referred to as guys. They find it odd, weird, exclusionary. Don't use it. The other big problem I find with audiences of both genders is that certain men just can't get over the sports analogies. Everything is about blocking and tackling and fourth and one and all of these football analogies. Now, certainly I don't want to be a sexist. There are women who like football, enjoy football, and know no football more than I do because I'm not a football fan. But by and large, I find if you're talking to a hundred executives from all over the country and 50 are men and 50 are women, there's going to be a pretty significant portion of those women who just don't care about football and find it annoying if you give more than one or two analogies or references to football. So it's not that you can't ever have a football reference, but mix it up. If you're going to use sports as a metaphor, occasionally perhaps use volleyball or ice skating or some sport that isn't seen as traditionally macho and violent. So give that some thought. Gals. That's not a word people like. Girls. Oh boy. You are not going to succeed in most mixed gender audiences these days with anyone over 12. If you refer to females, women as girls, just get that out of your vocabulary. Okay, let's take some of your questions. By the way, we always take your questions here. In fact, let me tell you right now how to ask questions.

Send questions to jwalker.

Pretty simple. Just send them to me on Twitter. You can also post them whether you're watching this on Facebook, YouTube or on my blog. Any place where you see to post any discussion or you can always just email it to me infoediatrainingworldwide.com and unless it's a question we've just dealt with or is completely unrelated to public speaking or media training, I will answer your questions on this show. We are not limited by time. This is a seven day a week show. I want to be here for you and I want to hear your questions because that's really what the focus of this entire show is all about. Okay, so now.

Your questions.

It is in fact time for your questions. A question I frequently get is, well tj, do I have to be politically correct all the time? Do I have to strip out all personality, walk on eggshells, get so afraid of ever offending anyone that I sound bland, boring and generic? Well, no, you do need to know what resonates with your audience. Now I am speaking to you and this I believe is going to be studied for decades. So I don't think I'm dating myself. But I'm now speaking to you right at the beginning of the January 2016. We've just gone through a six month period where Donald Trump has made statement after statement of wildly offensive comments considered sexist, racist, xenophobic and the only thing that's happened to him is that his poll numbers have gone up among Republican voters. So it is simply not true that you can never have any personality. Otherwise you're destined to fail. But, and this is a huge but, you have got to know your audience. If you are the CEO of a publicly traded corporation and your investors are a part of a wide swath of society in the US and investors around the world, and many of your investors are teachers funds and public pensions and you were to say things similar to Donald Trump, I believe you would instantly lose your job, your stock price would tumble, you would face complete career humiliation and annihilation. So you've got to know your audience. Now I'm not advocating that you run around saying wildly sexist, racist, obnoxious, xenophobic things. Nor am I saying you can never have any personality and always worry about being politically correct. It's a fine line. You've got to figure out what is authentic to you and what is going to help you communicate most effectively to the audience you care about and factor it in. That's what you've really got to focus on. Because there are some speakers who have styles different from mine. They're wildly successful. Gary Vaynerchuk, the social media guru, sales guru from TV Wine Library fame sprinkles the F word every two seconds in his keynote speeches. Well, he's getting 50,000 plus in his keynote speeches. I'm not. Does that mean you should start using the F word every other time to be like Gary Vaynerchuk? No. With his audience, which is quite often tech audiences, young male audiences in the tech world. It works. It comes across as completely authentic as who he is. If I start doing it, it would feel contrived. True story. I was once at a tryout for doing a TV show on something called the pseudo network. This was back during the first Internet bubble, probably 1998, and they were appealing to a youth demo. And I was more youthful almost 20 years ago, but still, I was kind of the old man showing up at this TV network because most people were in their 20s, and at that point I was 34 or so. So they asked me after I did my political commentary on the subject. They said, you know, it's not bad, but it would really be a lot better if you could sprinkle curse words out, drop an F bomb here and there, okay? I didn't end up doing it, nor did they hire me, nor did that network last very long. You can't be that phony, folks. You can't be that contrived. It just typically doesn't really work very well. So be purposeful. If you're going to say something that you think is even close to sexist, racist, xenophobic, ask yourself, are you certain this is what you want to communicate? Don't be surprised. That's my main challenge to you. Do not be surprised after the fact. You need to have given it real thought even in advance.

A question for you.

Well, now it's time for my question for you. I want to know, who do you think is the most sexist speaker that has national or international prominence today? Or offensive or racist? Who do you find as a speaker who just doesn't work for you personally? Doesn't matter if everyone else loves this person. Who do you find offensive? I'd like to know. Post your commentjwalker on Twitter. By the way, we'll be coming to Snapchat soon, so if that's your preferred format, we're trying to make this show available to you in every single format. That's why we're on itunes, Audio, video, Facebook, YouTube, Vimeo, and a variety of places. But I want to know, who do you think is the most sexist, most offensive speaker out there? Post it on Twitter or send me an email. Infoediatrainingworldwide.com thanks for joining me today and every day. You don't have to listen every single day, but if you want to be a great communicator, I can't think of a better way of spending 15 or so minutes on your way to work listening or watching on the audio podcast or video podcast or on any other forum. So thanks so much. May all of your speaking opportunities in life be a huge success.

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