Tom Guarriello describes how his friends Robert and Gary, a gay couple, were stopped by an INS agent in Houston who demanded paperwork proving their partnership. The agent's questions revealed how institutional power can be weaponized against marginalized people, even casually, and how easily mainstream people forget these everyday hassles exist.
Well, hi, it's Tom. The more observant among you will notice that since the last time I made a video, I've gotten a haircut. And that's what I wanted to talk about today. Not my haircut, but about the guy who cuts my hair. Now, Robert, who's been cutting my hair and Karen's hair for the last, I don't know, 8 years maybe, something like that. Is a gay man. And Robert and his partner, life partner Gary, have been together at least as long as we've known them. And they're, you know, they're a delightful couple. They— I invited them to my 60th birthday party. They, this year, opened their own business. I made a video about about them, uh, when they left their old business, about how, uh, how so, so many businesses are stupid about the way they handle talented people. I'll put a link to it over here. So Robert's a friend. He's been a friend for a long time. Now, when I went to get my hair cut on Friday, we were yakking away like we usually do, and Robert and Gary had just come back from a place that they have in Mexico, down in the Baja. I think at Cabo San Lucas is where they have a condo, which they've had again as long as we've known them. And I asked them, "How was your trip? What happened?" He said, "Oh, it was good, you know, it was good, but we had kind of a weird experience coming back." Now usually, he tells me, they fly directly from Mexico to JFK, to New York. This time, however, they had to fly from Mexico to Houston, make a stopover in Houston, and then fly home to New York. Now, when they stopped over in Houston, they had to go through customs in Houston. And going through customs in Houston turned out not to be such a pleasant experience for Robert and Gary. Now, as he tells it, they walked up to— they were waiting on the line for customs and walked up to the customs agent together, like they always do, like Karen and I do when we travel. Walked up together, walk up together to the customs agent, and the customs agent immediately said to them, to Robert, "Are you related?" And Robert said, "Yes, this is my partner." And the customs agent says, "Do you have your paperwork?" Robert, being a normal human being, said, "Do I have my paperwork? If this was a woman who was my wife, would you ask me if I had my paperwork? And would I carry my marriage license around with me?" Good point, right? So, you know, in listening to Robert tell the story, and, you know, the agent said, "Well, get back behind the line," you know, and did that thing that people in power can do, you know, that we've seen them do forever, which is to exercise their power in this petty little way to abuse somebody who really has no recourse, right? So in listening to Robert tell this story, you know, it just, it really bothered me. It really bothered me a lot. Now, obviously his question to the customs agent was absolutely dead-on. Would that agent have dared to ask me for my paperwork when I walk up there with Karen? No. Even before seeing that we have the same last name, would he have dared to ask me for my paperwork? No. We live in a time when it is still possible for people and organizations— this is the INS, this is part of the American government's Homeland Security organization— hassling a citizen just because this guy could. Now, we still live in a time when that's possible. We still live in a time when people think it's all right to hassle others over things that they may not personally, um, uh, value. Things that they may not think are right. And you hate to stereotype, but as Robert said, we've been traveling for years and flying directly to New York, and this has never happened before. It only happened the one time that we flew to Houston. Now, an organization like INS sets up a culture, and it creates a culture in which certain things are okay and certain things are not okay. Now, whether or not this agent has any personal feelings about gay people is irrelevant to how that organization encourages its people, trains its people, disciplines and recognizes its people for the kind of behavior that they're looking to try to create. Now, I don't know that Robert complained to INS. He probably didn't. You know, it just was another hassle in a life filled with little hassles because he happens to be gay. But as an official policy, to be able to give feedback to INS and to say to them, you know, This isn't okay, and you guys can't treat people differently just because you might not prefer the lifestyle that they live. It's just not acceptable. So, you know, I just wanted to tell this story because those of us who live within the mainstream of any culture can forget what it's like to be someone who, for whatever reason, is on the edge of that culture. And feels the, uh, the, the bite of prejudice that happens when you live on the edge. So, uh, take care. And, um, you know, I just— that, that just really pissed me off. Uh, and I'll see you again soon. Bye-bye.
