My Number One Job as a Parent Is Not to Make You Happy

Over and over, I hear the same thing from parents. Dr. Becky, I can't say no to my kid. And I know part of my role is to say no to my kid or set boundaries for my kid. And I know it's not good for my kid to, like, be happy all the time. But whatever I know in my brain does not come up in my body in the moment my kid makes a request, and I need help saying no. Okay. This is seriously one of my favorite topics, and so many of you submitted scenarios and questions, and I just want to say thank you. I want to let you know you're not alone. I want to say you're so brave to look at something and say, this is hard for me. How amazing. That's always the first step of change, and that's also the hardest steps. You already did that. And so we are going to hear from three parents today who share scenarios that I know are happening in your home as well. And then we're going to problem solve together. So if you're a parent who struggles to say no, which, by the way, comes from a good reason, and we're going to get into that, I promise you're going to end today with concrete strategies that are going to feel good to start experimenting with in your home. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is good inside. We'll be right back. So on the topic of having a hard time saying no, something I hear a lot is picking my battles. I know I should pick my battles. Do I ever pick battles? Do I let every battle go? Do I surrender? How do we pick our battles? And how do we know when to draw the line? So on that note, let's hear from Eileen.

Hi. I have a hard time saying no to my kids, partly because I feel like, well, it's not that big a deal. It's, you know, picking my battles and also wanting them to feel like they're heard and that their wants are valued. And then I oftentimes say yes when they just kind of. They see me faltering, and then they just kind of go ahead with whatever they want, which has created a house full of or lack of boundaries, I should say, therefore causing distress. So those are some of my worries and struggles with saying no to my kids.

All right, I think we can all see ourselves in Eileen. So, Eileen, thank you for voicing something that all of us struggle with. And at times, I've struggled with this, too. There's two different parts I want to pull out that are just ringing really loudly for me about what you said. I'm gonna say them and then jump into each. My kids, I want them to feel like they're heard and that their wants are valued. Amazing. So I'm so glad you said that. And there's actually a nugget in there that's going to really help us. The other side of it is you said, my kids kind of quote, see me faltering, and there's something there that's completely human. And there's also going to be something useful in looking into that. So let's start with the first. I want my kids to feel heard. I want them to feel like their wants are valued. Yes. What I want to do right now is I want everyone, assuming you're not driving, to put your hands out in front of you and separate them. And I want you to look at one hand, and I want you to say, I want my kids to know that they're heard and their wants are valued. That's one hand. Okay. Now I want you to look at the other hand. And what's key is to make the other hand far away from your first hand. That hand is, I'm saying yes or I'm saying no. Now, the reason this is important is on some level, we've conflated two things. We've started to believe that in order to make my kids know that they're heard and that their wants are valued, that that, for me, is my right hand. That means I have to say yes with my left hand. And all of a sudden, my hands are together. Like, I have to say yes because I want my kids to know that they're heard and that their wants are valued. Again, we're gonna separate the hands. This is so powerful and important. And remind yourself these are two very, very different things. Yes. It's important to help my kids feel like their wants and needs are valued. And that actually is independent. I mean, that that is independent from saying yes or no in any given situation. In fact, I would argue it almost becomes dangerous for our kids to conflate being valued with getting what they want. Being valued and feeling seen with hearing a yes. Because we want to prepare our kids for adulthood where they know there are many moments. Most of my moments in adulthood, when I'm gonna feel cared and respected and loved and valued are actually not going to be the times I get what I want. I need to figure out a way to feel valued and respected and loved, even when someone I care about is saying no. And so if we want our kids to become adults who can separate those two things, we need to start separating those things now or else we create completely unrealistic relationship patterns for our kids and expectations for how the world works. I don't think any of us would want a partner who says, I want to choose where we go to dinner tonight, right? And if someone said, oh, I don't really want to go out to dinner tonight. I'm feeling sick. And our partner said, what? Well, if you cared about my wants and values, you would go out to dinner with me even when you're sick. And I know that seems far away from our young kids, but it's actually not, because these patterns transfer. We want someone to be able to say, oh, you do care about my desire to go out to dinner and you have something going on and you're unable to join me. I get both of those things at once. Those are two different things. So I think knowing that is important. Now, how do we help our kid feel seen and valued if we don't say yes? That actually comes down to just saying it to our kids in different ways. Hey, I know you want to watch another TV show. I get that that matters to you. I hear you and it's bedtime, right? Or, oh, you really want that T shirt. I get it. All the kids in your class have that T shirt and you really want it. I know that that matters and I believe you. It stinks to be the only kid who doesn't have it. And buying it right now isn't an option, right? So what? I'm actually separating from my kids is hugely important for adult life skills. I feel wanted and seen and valued even when I don't get what I want. Because if we do conflate feeling wanted and valued with getting what we want, we actually set our kid up to be fairly entitled in the world. And that's not what we want. Now, the one last thing I want to touch on is they see me faltering. I have so much more to say about this, and maybe we'll get to it later in the episode. If not, if you haven't seen all the stuff I say about boundaries and sturdy leadership, this is it. Because you're absolutely right. Our kids smell our ambivalence. They know my parents about to say something and they don't even believe it themselves. And then we tell ourselves the story of, oh, they're taking advantage of me, but they're not. It would be like being in a plane and hearing a pilot say, we're going to make an emergency landing. Actually, actually, I don't know. Well, should we Maybe we should. I don't know. What do you guys think? Right. I would definitely freak out on a plane. Not because I'm trying to, quote, take advantage of my pilot, but just because I feel their lack of sturdiness. So how a kid responds to our boundary setting is in large part related to how much they feel our sturdiness or our own confusion or faltering. And so you're absolutely right. And the best news is that's something I love helping parents with, is going from faltering to confident and sturdy. So I can totally get you covered in that domain. Okay, here's another scenario I want to explore. I feel like I'm always saying no to my kid. I feel like I'm always saying no because my kid is asking for things all the time. So my struggle to say no exists within that dynamic for a kid who seems to be asking for a million different wants. All right, let's hear from Megan.

Dr. Becky. Yes, I struggle to say no to my kid. Here's why I feel like I'm always saying no to my kid. She is deeply feeling. She's six and a half. She has a ton of questions, a ton of requests, a ton of demands. When she wakes up, she asks if she can watch her iPad. When we get in the car, she asks for me to play her a song. She's constantly asking for snacks and to play this and to play that and will I play with her? And can we walk down the street so she can ride her bike? And the list of requests from her all day long is endless. And I can't say yes to every single one. And I feel like I'm constantly saying no. I try to say yes when I can. I do say yes when I can, but I say no a lot. And I try to couch it in, like, no, we can't do that right now, but we can do that later. Or, no, we can't do that or have that right now, but here's what you can have. And she's deeply feeling, and she gets tired of hearing no. And sometimes it turns into a massive power struggle. And so my thought process, I feel myself tense up every time she asks for something. I anticipate. Here comes the ask. I'm probably going to want to say no for 100 reasons. It's not practical right now. It's not healthy. I'm doing something else. I'm trying to maintain my sanity, et cetera. And she's going to have a big fat reaction to it, and then I'm going to have to deal with it. That is the cycle.

Megan, first of all, I'm giving you a virtual hug. I've been there myself. I have a deeply feeling kid. I think you know that. But I want to say it again because all of my thoughts around these kids not only come from research and from my work in private practice, but from my very on the ground life with my own deeply feeling kid. Because I feel like that lived experience really matters. And I just want to say I believe you. I believe your kid asks for more things and has more intense tantrums and is harder to calm down. And most deeply feeling kids, when they're really upset, on the surface, they reject help, get away from me, get out of my room. Even though they actually need us to be there. So it's this kind of complicated dance. So all this to say, I hear it, I've been there myself. My deeply feeling kid is now older. So I wanna let you know from all the kind of deeply feeling kid approach stuff I've done, your kid, I know if you're doing the same thing is going to get out of it. So I wanna give you that hope. Okay? The thing I wanna pull out most from what you said is I feel myself tense up every time she asks for something. Now of course that's a totally normal reaction, especially maybe you're in public, you're like on a playdate, you're like, oh my goodness, right? Is the meltdown coming? But the thing I want to give you that really matters is family jobs. And here's why we think we tense up in a situation because we're anticipating our kids meltdown or difficult reaction. I want you to consider this idea as true. Just as an experiment, we actually tense up in a situation not because of our kids anticipated behavior, but because we don't have clarity on what our job is in the moment. And when you have clarity on what your job is, even in a difficult moment, you don't tense up. You actually kind of activate like, ooh, I'm about to flex my job. Watch me do my job, right? So what is our job? This is so foundational in any family system, definitely with a deeply feeling kid. Okay. Because family jobs are almost that much more important. A parent has two main jobs. We set boundaries and boundaries are limits that we decide on that we believe are good for our kids. Often they're about safety, sometimes they're about a kid's long term interest. Sometimes a boundary is something we set. It's a limitation because we think, I just don't have the energy to kind of have another kid at my house for a playdate. And I know I'm going to turn into a version of a parent I don't want to be. So I'm actually setting that boundary for everyone's benefit. That's a boundary. So that's one of our jobs. We set boundaries. Why? Because we're the adult. It's true. I have deep respect for kids and I just want to make it clear they're not the pilot. You are the pilot. And pilots set boundaries because you're in a position of authority. Not authority. You're going to abuse true parental authority. Now you have another job, and your other job is connecting to understanding, kind of in essence validating your kid's feelings. And here's why. Those two jobs kind of often work in tandem. If you have a kid like any of my kids, you set a boundary. Your kid does not say thank you. I feel so safe with you. You're such a sturdy leader. I can see you're working on boundary setting. Mom so proud of you. High five. That will never happen. You set a boundary and only one thing will happen. Your kid will freak out. Why? Because when we set boundaries, we're inherently stopping our kid from getting something they want. And that is just a really hard human state. So we set a boundary. And in your head, Megan, I actually want you to think, check one. I did one part of my job. Like I did 50% of my job already. That's kind of amazing. Now it just happens to be that my kid's melting down. But that's not a reflection of me doing my job. I know what my job is. So my reflection of doing my job is doing my job, not my kid's reaction to doing my job. Okay, now my kid, ironically, is actually going to do their job. And maybe we'll talk about this, but I actually have the belief that kids job is to have feelings and reactions because that's the only way they can learn coping skills to have more moderate and safer versions of feelings and reactions. Okay, so they have this feeling and reactions gonna be messy. And then you can do the other part of your job, which is validating your kids feelings, which especially for a deeply feeling kid, often comes down to three words. I believe you. That's it. But here's the cycle and I want to go over in order when our kid is on the verge of a meltdown or we just know we're making a decision that they're not going to like, but we believe it's right. We do our job, we set a boundary. A kid does their job, they have feelings. We do the second part of our job, we validate their feelings. And then guess what, Megan, we go back to step one. We continue to hold the boundary, they continue to have a feeling. We continue to validate the feeling while holding the boundary. It's three steps. We set a boundary, our kid has a reaction, we validate that reaction while holding the boundary. Here's why this matters so much. Unconsciously, most of us think that our job is to stop our kids feelings or to control our kids feelings so they actually feel happy with us. And then we have what is called job confusion. Let's go back to the flight. I'm just a lover of all pilot metaphors. Imagine going through intense turbulence and what the pilot was saying to themselves is, I have to have everyone sit down and buckle up and I have to suspend drink service. And oh, I just hope all the passengers are happy. I hope no one's mad. My job is to make sure nobody is mad when I tell them this. I mean, Megan, me and you would be like, oh my God. Goodness, really? That's what my pilot is focusing on. That's not my pilot's job. And if you have a sturdy pilot, in a way they're not that concerned with your reaction because they're actually concerned about something bigger for you, your safety. So they do their job of making this announcement. Passengers would do their job of saying, oh, it's so annoying. I'm not going to get my pretzels. And maybe a pilot would say, oh, I know it's annoying. We're supposed to start drink and snack service. You must be hungry. I'm so sorry, but that doesn't mean I'm changing the seatbelt sign. I then go back to step one of holding my boundary with this framework. The reason this changes so much and is that the essence of your question is I think what's really going on in your struggle to say no is a lack of clarity of your job. And so that's something I want you to repeat over and over. I have two jobs, boundaries and validation. My job is not to make my kid happy. My job is not to end their meltdown. And I promise you, when you're more centered and have more conviction in your job, which will take time, it's like anything else. It's a practice. It's not going to happen overnight. I promise you. Your kids reactions to your nose are going to change because they feel your sturdiness, they feel your edge. And so that's where I would really focus. Okay. The last thing I want to talk about is how our struggle to say no to our kid connects with our desire to raise independent, capable kids. Because here's something I know about most parents. They would say when my kid is 18, when my kid's 38, when my kid's 78, however old they are, when they're out of my house, I want them to feel capable, I want them to feel strong. I want them to feel like they can both ask for help because that's healthy, and rely on themselves for help. They can do both. Right. Well, how does that wish for the future relate to the dynamics around saying no to our kid when they're younger, which are the years when all the circuitry is forming that will then play out in their later years. Okay. This might make a lot more sense when we hear from Allison. So, Allison, let's get started.

Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Allison, and I have a hard time saying no to my 6 year old and 8 year old. I want to be able to meet their needs and their wants to know that I love them, that they're cared for, that they're in a stable, healthy situation. But it comes to the point where I feel like I am being taken advantage of by my kids. And I know that they are not doing it intentionally to be malicious. It's just what they are. For example, I will be sitting in my couch in the living room. My daughter will be sitting in the kitchen eating a snack, and she will ask me, mommy, can you throw away this wrapper for me? I would have to get up from the couch, pick up the wrapper from her, walk around her to go to the other side of the kitchen to throw it away, when it would be immensely easier for her to just walk the 10 steps to throw it away herself. But since I am sitting on the couch not really doing anything in particular, I don't really reason to have to say no, except for it's slightly inconvenient for me and it makes more sense for her to do it. But I get up and do it because I want to reinforce that asking questions and asking for help is okay. And I can always, in my mind, justify meeting their needs over my needs, unfortunately.

All right, Allison, I have about three hours of things I want to say to you, not because this is such a huge problem, but because you pinged on so many different things that I think are so important. So I'm gonna try to organize. What I'm seeing now is, like the most Important things, something I wanna pull out for you. I don't really have a reason to say no, except for it's slightly inconvenient for me and it makes more sense for my kid to do it. I just wanna tell you that is always for me, my. My biggest, most compelling reason for saying no. So it's interesting that the same thing is kind of inconvenient for me and it makes more sense for someone else to do it. I actually think that's often the best reason we ever have for saying no. So one of the things I'd ask you to reflect on, and you kind of hinted at it when you said, I can always justify meeting their needs over my needs. And then you added, unfortunately, is, what's my relationship with my own needs? On a scale of 0 to 10, 0 meaning the least important thing in the world, 10 meaning the most important thing in the world, where would I assess kind of the rating of how I relate to my own needs? Are they closer to a 0 or closer to a 10? And based on what you're saying, it sounds like they're. I don't know where exactly, but I would say they're closer to the 0 than the 10. And then saying no to your kid isn't actually that much about saying no to your kid as much as it might be about saying yes to your own needs. So that's something I just want you to think about. I should also say that this is a chronic struggle for parents and yes, especially for moms. So many of us have learned growing up our value is around serving others. Our value is around distancing ourselves from our own needs. Because actually, if we knew what we needed and if we dared to speak up for it, we might be inconvenient to other people. And maybe we were most valuable to them when we just fit into their system and attuned to their needs and took care of them the whole time. And yet, now that we're an adult, I'm going to promise you that is no longer effective, that is no longer needed, and it causes us a whole lot of mental health and physical health problems. So this is actually one of my favorite topics, if you haven't already seen my reparenting workshop. Because at the core of so many parenting struggles, and we say, I can't say no, and tantrums are hard for me to stay calm and I don't know how to get my kid in a good sleep routine, and someone might say those are three different things, I would actually say they're one Thing, they're one thing. It comes back to, what do I need as an adult and a leader? Do I know it? Can I assert it? And can I start to actually see how that is the best way of loving my kids and setting up a structure for them to thrive? Okay, another angle I want to talk about, and I'm going to say something bold. I believe it, but I'm also going to say it a little extra bold. Just kind of for us to all have a reaction. Saying no to our kids is an important way of showing our kids we love them. I'm going to say that again. Saying no to our kid is an important way of showing our kid that we love them. Because I think what's happening again, unconsciously is in some way we think showing love is keeping our kid happy. And those get conflated. Another thing that gets conflated is I want my kid to be able to ask for help. Is conflated with, I am actually in real life meeting every demand my kid voices. I want my kids to be able to ask for help. The irony is, being someone who's good at asking for help inherently has another quality. The awareness that I might be able to get this help from someone else and I might not. And I have to be able to tolerate both situations. And if I don't, I hope I don't feel completely fragile. I hope I can then say, okay, well, what am I going to do now? I'm a problem solver. I know that asking for help and getting help isn't always going to happen. So I'm going to ask for help. Yes, I feel comfortable using my voice. Amazing. And I don't expect to always have every demand met that actually would set up a kid to really struggle in the adult world. And as a general pattern, doing things for our kid that we could help them learn to do for themselves isn't really an expression of love. It's an expression of making our kids life short term easier. And I say short term because it actually is very short term. My kids saying, can you throw away this wrapper for me? If I say no, they might melt down, they might whine. That makes their life short term harder. My life short term harder. If I say yes and get up, even though I'm kind of annoyed on the couch and that'll probably all add up one day and I'll probably blow up and you know about something that, you know, just kind of boiled over. But I say yes now and it is short term easier for me and my kid. It is so short term. And the reason that matters so much is because of a general principle I think a lot about when we're raising our kids. Maximizing ease and happiness in childhood doesn't create well adjusted adults. Maximizing ease and happiness in childhood creates entitled and fairly fragile adults. And I don't mean fragile as an insult. I actually have deep, deep empathy for adults who have never developed a sense of their own capability. They've never been in opportunities before the age of 18 where they've said, wait, I can do things I don't want to do, wait, I can get through this hard time, wait, I'm disappointed, I'm frustrated and that frickin stinks. And I have a pattern of knowing that I can get to the other side. And when we do so many things, when we say yes over and over to things that our kids could do on their own. And I'm not talking about one time. You want to get the wrapper for your kid one time. Of course I'm talking about a general pattern. What we actually steal is our kids competence. We steal it. And so recently I've been thinking a lot about these themes and I keep thinking, you know, maybe one of the best ways to show love to my kid is to be long term greedy in parenting. Which means tolerating short term disappointment and frustration as a way of investing in my kids future resilience and happiness. That's being long term greedy. Now I know what you're thinking. I'm a realist too. Are there days where you're like, I can't do that, I just gotta make it short term easy? Yes, me too. And I give myself full permission and for whatever it's worth, I give you full permission to have those days. I'm talking about some percentage of the time I'm going to be long term greedy, which means tolerating disappointment in the short term as a way of investing in my kids future resilience and happiness in the long term. And I want to put a script to this to end with because as you all know, I hate leaving things as ideas. I want to share words that I've actually said to my kids so many times and I can't even tell you how compelling it's been to see their reaction and to see what they do next. I love you so much that I'm willing to make a decision that I believe is good for you. Even though you're upset with me right now. Right? Oh, you won't do the, you know, you won't do the rapper. I Know I'm not. Because, sweetie, I know you could do that for yourself. Ugh. If you loved me, you would do it. Look, sweetie, I love you so much that I'm willing to make a decision that I believe is good for you, even though you're upset with me right now. I mean, isn't that what we all want from the people who love us the most? They see a version of us that's more capable than the version we're currently in touch with. And instead of colluding in our self concept as not capable, they hold space, they hold a boundary for us to bring out that confidence. That's a really compelling version of parental love. And when it comes to saying no, that's a version I think that's worthwhile to experiment with because I think it will give you motivation to set boundaries and to tolerate your kids distress in response to those boundaries. And maybe most compellingly, it'll actually leave you feeling like those moments, even though they were exhausting and tough, that they were kind of like your best parental win of the day, because you know that those moments really mattered. So I have to end with one more thing, because one of the things I hate is the idea of a parent hearing this episode maybe having kind of light bulbs in their head. Because what we're actually kind of doing here is saying, here's a new way to think about parental love. Here's a new way to think about this. Short term versus long term greediness. And I know if that's me, when I'm listening to something, I think, okay, how do I do that? I want, like, steps. Like, I can't do it all at once, but, like, can you give me, like a few steps a day? And this is why I just want to make sure you know where you can turn if and when you're ready to turn this idea, maybe a little spark of motivation into actual action. Because it's the action that makes the change, not the thoughts. My good insight app was built for you. It's a parent who says, wait, that's a new idea that kind of resonates, but that's really hard for me. And by the way, of course it's hard for you. It's so hard because it's so new. And so what we're doing in our app that's so different from our membership in the past is it's built for the parent who says, I seriously only have time when I'm brewing my coffee or when I'm sitting on the toilet. Do you have something for that that leads to progress. Yes, we are boundary and validation and family jobs and sturdy leadership experts. And we believe this is the wave of the future for parenting. And we also believe that parents need a tool to deliver this in personalized ways that take no more than three to five minutes a day. And so if you haven't already gone to check out our brand new app and our amazing beautiful new homepage that features it and just tells you more, I really think you should. I think you should do it right now. I think you should click because if for nothing else, you'll have it in your back pocket for a moment. When you're ready. I can't wait to see you there. Thank you for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com podcast or you could write me@podcastoodinside.com Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom. And at Magnificent Noise, our production staff includes Sabrina Farhey, Julia Knapp and Kristin Muller. I would also like to thank Erica Belsky, Mary Panico, Brooke Zant and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle and even as I have a heart hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.