Can we really change our thoughts? Get some practical advice from Jewish psychology.

Doctor Harari, here on the Losing Motors Experience podcast, we are going to dive deep today into a very deep. I think subject that touches everyone's life is how to overcome obstacles, navigate our thoughts.

Can I control my thoughts? Can I silence my thoughts? That's the questions, I think. Very practical one.

Exactly. So we, we know that in Jewish psychology, it's all start with the thought, speech, and action. But can we really control our thoughts? Can we really choose the thoughts that we want? And those thoughts can create the reality that we want to live in? Can we really, can it really be done? And if it could be done, tell us how to do it and give us a little bit of, you know, tools to create something, to change something in our reality. For the better.

It's so important. Let's take one step backward. The thoughts are not the one that's important. What is important is the emotions or the emotions. The emotions are the most important attributes that we have. Why? Because the emotions, those are the powers that connect us to the world, that push us forward. The thoughts are only a garment to the emotions and to the mind. What do we mean? The emotions that do not have notions, do not have subjects, they do not decide what are the notions that they think about, what I will think about. The emotions decide what I will think about. So the whole idea is to control, to minimize, to navigate my emotions through the thoughts. But if I do not do that, if I want to control my thoughts, if I want to navigate, if I want to decide every moment which thought to to think, then I will lose the control on my emotions. The emotions will navigate me. That's the main problem. Emotions are very important thing. We must have emotions. Emotions are the engine of the soul. The emotions push us forwards and connect us. But without knowing how to minimize and to navigate and to control the directions of the emotions, then we are losing what? We are losing the ability to control our life. Because then the emotions controls me. So, after saying that, what are the thoughts? The thoughts are only a garment. The way you dress, the way your Soul dress. Let me just rephrase it with some kind of deeper understanding. You have the Soul, the Soul animates the body. The body, it's the tool. The Soul is the light. Now you want to bring the light as much as in the right way, in the right amount to the garment, to the tool, to the vessel. What does it mean? If the Soul brings too much light, too much light, it's when you see someone who is angry, who is in depression, there is too much light there. Then the vessel, the body cannot handle that. And if you bring less light, like what is less light? Laziness, you cannot push yourself, you don't believe in yourself, you cannot, you know, handle your life because you feel everything, nothing is really important, and you do not— you have less animation of the Soul in the body, less liveliness, then what is the result? That you, you won't have enough light, you won't have enough liveliness. So what's the main idea? To bring the right amount of liveliness to the body from the Soul. All the liveliness that we bring matches or touches or meets at the end the thoughts. How do you know that you love your someone? How do you know that you love? How do you know that you hate? Through the thoughts. It's not through the body. In the body I can have, you know, all kind of chemicals, hormones, whatever. But it could happen when I'm afraid that something will happen, all kinds of hormones are, you know, released in my body. And it could happen whenever I'm in love. So I know really that I love you when I think about you. If I won't think about you, I don't know that I love you. So the thoughts are also something that reveals to me what are my inner emotions. So that's the first understanding of the thoughts.

I wanted to ask something about, about, you know, it's very beautiful to think about the thoughts create reality, you know, and it's something that not only in Jewish psychology, it's been talked about in all disciplines, you know, I think from Buddhism, from meditation, from, you know, everybody is all about positive thinking.

But that's something that I'm not saying. I do not say that thoughts create reality. I'm saying that the thoughts are only a reveal, a tool that reveals the emotions. The emotions create reality. The thoughts are just a tool. You can use it to harm yourself or to help yourself.

Okay, so, so the difference between the psychology of, let's say, the nations— they talk about think positive and let's, you know, let's try the thoughts create the reality— is I guess they don't put the emotion aspect, which in Jewish psychology we bring the emotion, which is the spirituality, which is lacking in other disciplines. They tell you to think, but, but how you feel— okay, I'm gonna think, think, think. If my emotion is not there, I'm not creating the reality I want. So you're saying we have to inject the emotion and generate the right emotion through selecting the right thoughts.

Selecting— it's even a deeper understanding. It's not that I'm selecting the right emotions. I do not let the emotions appear or manifest itself or illuminate in the thoughts. Let's say I'm suffering, I have anxiety. What is anxiety? Anxiety is thinking about what will happen in the future. Bad things could happen, good things could happen. If I, you know, it's also not the right thing to do to think about the good things that are going to happen because what's the result? That I'm not in the present. I'm not living right now. I'm letting my thoughts dragging me to the future instead of living right now with my spouse, with my friends, with whatever I'm doing right now. So the whole idea of emotions, you know, there are two kinds of emotions. If I'm doing just speedily. One kind of emotions are the right one that connects you to the moments that they want to live here. Those are very gentle emotions. The other one are emotions that takes me to the future. What will happen? I think, well, you know, our problems will dissolve. It's all about anxiety. And I'm afraid about, you know, the future. Doesn't matter what you're afraid about. Anxiety. 25% of, of modern population have some kind of anxiety or anxiety that, you know, they told about it. So you know that they have anxiety and anxiety, it's a phenomenon, it's a pandemic. And anxiety, it's all about thinking what will happen and nobody have certainty or confidence about what will happen. You do not know, but you want to control the future. The real problem is controlling. You want to control the future, but you cannot control your future. The only way to let go of the thoughts is to let go of controlling what will happen, controlling what will happen with my children, controlling what will happen with my country, controlling, controlling what will happen next moment. I have to do what I have to do. So let's get back to the emotions. There are the right emotions and the— and I can call them even negative emotions. Why they are negative? Why they are negative? Because they do not do what they have to do. What they have to do to push me forward, to connect me to others, to connect me to the reality, to make connections. Whenever I'm in anger or afraid or depression, I'm disconnecting myself from everything else. So thoughts are only a way. It's like, it's like the place, it's a battlefield where you can decide. You cannot control really your emotions, but you can decide if you let your emotions, undesirable one or the desirable one, to manifest itself in the emotions. In their thoughts or you do not. And it's not like working on the emotions, it's only one level. You do not change yourself from within, but you decide, well, what kind of thoughts I want to have. And if you do not, if you close your thoughts, if you decide which thoughts are good for you, or good for you in the sense that they let good emotions to appear in you. Good means not so strong. Not so, you know, heavy that controls you, like anger, like depression. You know, okay, I got the mail, somebody told me something, I didn't do what I have to do. Okay, I have a lot of things to think about them. It— I do not let this emotion that brought from this idea to control my life. That's the idea. So now the question is, how do I do that? That's the main question. What is the tool that I have to control, to navigate the thoughts? If I summarize If you do not control your thoughts, you cannot— you do not control your emotions, and then you are in problem, because your emotions always wants to illuminate in a higher volume, then, then they will control your life.

What do you say about situation where somebody can just numb their thoughts? You know, like, they just work like, like almost like a robot, you know, doing something they don't even think. About, but it's like, you know, like driving. You know, you don't think, okay, I'm gonna drive right now.

You know, if the problem is that you cannot numb your thoughts, you will have always have thoughts. Even when you are sleeping, you have thoughts. What are the thoughts that when you are sleeping? Your dreams. Those are thoughts without interfering of the mind and the emotions. You have only the rest breath leftovers of thoughts that you had when you were awake. So the thoughts are not— you cannot really numb them, but you can be concentrated in the moment, moment, and it's a very— it's a wonderful thing to do. It's not like escaping from something if you can numb your thoughts. Not numbing your thoughts, being in the moment, doing whatever you are doing right now, concentrating. The problem with driving is that your thoughts are all around, and now when your thoughts are all around, your emotions are not being controlled and minimized. Now we are being controlled by your emotions. That's a problem. If you can numb your thoughts through, not numbing, we said concentrating, and through that you are a little bit numbing your emotions, then that's a beautiful thing to do. And that's kind of therapy. You didn't change yourself, but you have a problem. But what you change, you minimize the, the amount of liveliness that the emotions bring to the body. That's the idea. So if we'll get one step forward, You spoke about, how can I do that? It's maybe it's fine. It's a beautiful thing to do when you are, you know, you are in anxiety and thinking a lot about a lot of things, what you should do. Now, if you will be able to concentrate in one thing, you will be able not to think about the future, but what is happening. And when you are, when you are doing that, the result is that now you are not suffering from the anxiety. So the whole idea is to control the thoughts, and it goes through a few steps. It's like without practicing that, nobody will succeed. You have to practice that. Practice that means that you have to do it again and again. You know, I'll give you a simple example about thoughts that not only connected to bad thoughts or to anxiety. I sat with my wife and the baby, the neighbor's baby came to the The neighbors with their baby came to visit us and they had a beautiful baby and I have a 20-year-old child, 21-year-old child and a 17-year-old child, girl. And my wife said, oh, I'm just waiting for grandchildren. And she was like, wow. And it was a problem, not only because of the stress that she brings to my children, to the grown-ups one, come on, get married. But this is not the only problem. Problem was that you are now here on Shabbos in a beautiful, you know, gathering with the family. And what you are thinking about? You're thinking about what will happen in the future, what I do not have. I need grandchildren, I need something else. I'm not really—

like something is missing instead of like something is missing.

So now like you destroyed in a way, in a beautiful way, you destroyed the gathering, the family gathering. So it's not only about anxiety, it's about the presence of the thoughts. If you know how to navigate them, you know how to be in the moment, to enjoy every meeting, to see someone else, to be connected to him. And if you are seeing someone, I sat with them, there was a writer sitting in the table and around him about 7 people. And about 20 years ago, if you would sit with this writer, you would do nothing and just ask him questions to get a little bit out of his wisdom. And then everyone were with the, you know, iPhones doing all kinds of things, surfing, whatever. And it was like amazing. Nobody could appreciate the moment. And if I'll be a little bit pushed to the fate point, According to Judaism, the Creator is creating the world every moment. He didn't create the world about 5,774 years ago. He didn't create it millions of years ago. He's creating every moment in the world. That means that every moment is bringing to the table effort, real effort that he is bringing in order to create you and me now speaking on Riverside. So When he's doing that and you are not now, and you are not in the moment, you are thinking about something else. You are now concentrated of let your thoughts take you, drag you to another place and let your mind not being connected, not controlling, not choosing which thought to think. Now you are not being connected to the moment that the creator is creating. It's like you are saying to him, you are creating this moment, but I want to be in another place. So this moment, there is something that I do not have nothing I have to do here, it's not the moment that I should be here. So it's like you are not a partner of the Creator in the creation when you let your thoughts control you, or you let your thoughts run away and through that let your emotions control you.

Okay, so all that is beautiful, you know, all that is beautiful. So now we understand that, you know, selecting our thoughts is a very important thing. And what differentiates Jewish psychology than other psychologies, the idea that there is the Emotion, the Spiritual, the God aspect.

There are more levels, but we need more time to develop it.

Right, to— in order for us to really create the life, or the reality, or the things that we want. Okay, so now—

Practical.

A person, yeah, a person right now thinking about his job, thinking about the worst thing that could happen, you know, and his heart starts beating anxiety and money and financial and da da da da.

Okay, let's go through, let's go through the process, but you have to practice that. It won't, it is not like you are listening to that and okay, I know how to solve it. You have to practice that at home, starting with small things.

Orthodox Jewish, or it's okay if I'm—

It doesn't matter if you are Gentile. It's, it's like, it's something that is very, it's, it's, it's, it's connecting to everyone. Doesn't matter who you are. It's not a level of belonging, identifying yourself as a Jew. Doesn't matter. First step, everyone can do that. First step. Now know that it's all about you. All the thoughts that drags you to the future, what will happen, anxiety, or to the past, how I was, how I missed the opportunity, why I got married with him, why I didn't get married with her, etc., etc. So why I didn't I should buy the house when I had the opportunity. All those thoughts are coming from a lot of, Freud called it ego, according to Judaism it's me. It's all about me. Why it's about me? Because the emotion, it's me, I want to feel. So there is a lot of me. Know that if you will be able to take yourself out of the picture, drag yourself outside, one step backward, you will have, you know, you will have the opportunity to minimize the strength of the emotions. And then control your thoughts. That's the whole idea. If you'll be able to do that. So it's all about you thinking about—

Attention, diverting the intention from myself to something else, something else, to something, doesn't matter, is to think about, okay, what am I, where is my intention, who am I thinking about, am I thinking about myself, I'm in the wrong, I have to divert that intention Okay, so now remember that— who am I diverting attention to? To, to, to who?

Okay, just a minute. Now remember that when you're anxiety, you think about yourself. What will happen to me? When you think about craving or lust, I cannot sit here, I cannot learn because I'm burning out of desire to cakes that I don't have, to cigarette, or doesn't matter. Now I'm not here, something else is controlling me. When Coffee even is coffee, and I need coffee. I woke up, I didn't even drink coffee. Now I need my coffee. Now it controls me. Instead of being here, I'm thinking about my coffee. I'm being controlled by my desire to coffee. So remember, it's our coffee.

Everybody has their own, like, something that they kind of—

but we said you need to control the amount, the level of emotions. It's called emotions that controls you. It's not really in Hebrew, it's not emotion, it's midah, it's a measurement. That the attributes that controls you. You want to decide. Now we have a beautiful conversation. So coffee can stay for later. So remember that it's all about yourself, about thinking about what happened. It's all about me. It's nothing that I really, it's not the truth. It's not that I really can correct something, that I really can do something. I'm really, I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid about what will happen. I'm afraid about what will happen to me. And it's all about me. So remember, if you will be able— why we are, why we are, you know, touching this point— because if you will be able to take yourself out of the picture, you will be able to control your emotions through your thoughts, through controlling your thoughts. If you won't be able to do that, then you'll pay the price. And it's very hard because it means that they have to be less me. It's less me. It's very hard. I met yesterday in Cyprus someone that told me after a conversation we spoke about that, and it's about, in a way, and she said, and I always got, she's a manager in a school that teaches English, and she said, I always get criticism from parents, it's very hard for me, and it makes me, you know, vulnerable and attacking others, and then I understood that it's not about me. They only want that the child will have better English, they only want, you know, to have more value to what they paid. It's all about me. They don't want my head. And when I understood that and I asked myself, I can help them get better child at learning English, I understood, okay, wow, now I'm not afraid. I'm not in stress, in endless stress anymore. She caught the point and catching the point is the first tool that you have. Understanding that it's not all about you. When somebody comes to you, sends you a mail, when a customer have something to say about your product, whatever, it's not about you, it's about him. And when you'll get out of the picture, you will be able to minimize the emotion, control the thoughts. First thing. Second thing, decide which thoughts you do not let yourself think about, which thoughts are those that will drag you and let the emotions control you. It could be if I'm thinking about food, I will— it's what's food, you know, that's why food shows are very popular. You see, the eye sees, and then you want it. If you won't let yourself see it, or think about it, or be there, then you won't really be all day long after it. So decide, I know, or thinking about the future, or thinking about, you know, I have a problem with, economical problem, with my managing my money, doesn't matter. So decide, I'm working on it Sunday 9 until 11. That's it. On Shabbos, on Monday, I'm doing other things that I decided. I'm like closing myself. The problem is that you let yourself, you convince yourself that if I won't think about it, I won't be able to manage it, to solve it. But it's not true. The truth is that you have to be in the place that you are. It's not true that if I think right now about my economical problems, I will solve them. I won't solve them. They will just let my emotions control me. And a lot of people do not let themselves, you know, neglect those thoughts. Or even, let's get deeper, if something happened to you, something— trauma, let's say, you know, trauma is very popular, something very harsh. If you let it, if you won't decide that I don't want, you cannot solve it. There is nothing to solve. Your mother was a narcissist, what can I do now? Okay, there is nothing to solve there and to get back to it, to get back to it, to get back to it. The only thing that you can do now is to decide Now I am not 10 years older anymore. Now I decide to, to think different. I do not let those thoughts about what my mother did to me and why she did what she didn't give me, give me, now to penetrate into me. Now I want to think about reality different, and I have to bring to the picture my mind that is asking, what's the truth of this moment? What is really going on? I don't want to see my wife in a In a way that I don't want to remember something that happened 15 years ago with my wife or with my child. I want to be right now, to develop right now a real conversation, a real thing, a real attachment, a real connection. So first thing to understand, the negative emotion, the negative thoughts, the thoughts that will bring you, that will allow undesirable emotions to illuminate in you, write them down. This is the practice, this is the coaching. If I would sit with you, I would write them down and decide with two hands. No is no. When you are deciding you don't want to think about it, it won't happen. This is the second step. The third step is, you know, the Alter Rabbi, Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, says you have to be happy when you see the first, you know, there is something like the first thought. First thought is the thought that that jumped into you. You do not control her. The second thought you control. You know, I do not control the first thought that comes to me. Oh, I do not believe in this. Oh, I don't have— nobody will listen to me. Oh, I'm not good enough. I cannot control the first thought. I can control the second thought and to decide if to let it penetrate into me. So the Alter Rebbe is saying in the Tanya, he's saying something in this beautiful book, he's saying When you, you know, let me ask you a question before I say what he's saying. If I can get myself out of the picture and see my thoughts and even smile to them, what does it mean? What does it mean? Can you answer? It means that you are not your thoughts. You are not my thoughts. Don't connect yourself. Don't identify yourself with your thoughts. It's not you, it's not you, it's, it's the thoughts. You know, if I'll get— if you penetrate into my head, oh, how much garbage there. And I know you have so many, so much garbage. So don't let your garbage identify you. It's, it's the garbage. It's like a part of your inner battle, of your— a lot of things. You are something special. So the Alter Rabbi is saying, when you, when you're able to, you know, to recognize the first thought that comes to you that tells you you're not good enough or what will happen or all kinds of why I was like that. Doesn't matter that the kind of thought, smile and be happy because you know that now you have opportunity to win this moment. Winning every moment, you know, you know, smile and be happy. It's like a present that you got. Don't look at it like, oh, well, the thought comes to me. Be happy. I'm now ready to fight. You know, now in Israel, if you're a soldier, and you are a warrior. Warriors want to get to the battle. You are a warrior of your life. You want to get to the battle. You want to say, no, beautiful thoughts, I don't want you to get me down. Beautiful, you know, it's not really beautiful. Harmful thoughts don't penetrate into me. Don't let the harmful emotions that are not right. This is the third step, smile. Another one is thoughts. You always have thoughts. Next level is you always have thoughts, so you have to build yourself, prepare to yourself something that will help you to think, to have a replacement, a replacement thought, something that will be concentrated, does not connect to you and will bother you and will lift you a little bit higher. Like, I'll tell you what I mean. If you don't learn something, Or if you learn something and those undesirable thoughts are coming to you, you're saying to them, okay, I know that I have problems. I don't know what will happen in the future, but now I'm concentrating in this problem, in this idea, in something that I'm reading. I'm broadening my thoughts. The more I'm broadening my mind, the more you learn, the more tools, the more ideas that you have to think about them and not letting your control, your emotions control you. Like, without having, you know, a bucket of ideas, problems— problems not in the sense of a problem, you know, in Hebrew problems is challenges that you want to face— books that you are reading, learning Torah, doesn't matter what you learn, without that, whenever the thoughts will come, you will set your— the undesirable thoughts will come, you will set your No, don't turn it into me, but you won't have a substance. You must have a replacement. You must have something else to think about it, and it should be something positive and should be something that do not really connect to you. It should be something that will uplift you, and you can think about, okay, now I want to understand how the world was created. Now I want to understand why is suffering. Now you can, you know, when you're learning psychology, now you stop and you say, Okay, now I want to understand his inner attributes. Why is he acting like that? And it's a fascinating thing. Instead of being offended, you know, you said to me something and now I am offended. Now I'm trying to analyze, understand you. It's like I'm not in this place. Okay. And I think that if you go through this process, you have some more levels, but I think it's enough to practice for the first meeting, for our first episode. If you practice those tools, taking yourself out of the center, understanding it's not about you, you cannot control the future or the past, you can live in the moment, because through that you are being connected to the Creator. Second, try to listen, to watch your thoughts, and to see when, and to split which thoughts are, let you be concentrated and connected, and which thoughts are harmful for you and brings you to places that, you know. And usually it happens when you are not busy, when you're not doing something. You said numb your thoughts, it's not numbing thoughts, it's like being connected to the moment, what I need to do now. If, and if you need to now to clean your room, clean your room without thinking about all what will happen in an hour from now. Now do what you have to do. And when I'm thinking about planning the future and playing the future, it's not running away from reality. It's deciding which reality I want, I want to live in, in this moment. Third thing we said, be happy. Understand when you, when you can see the thoughts, the first thought that comes to you that wants to bring you down, be happy, smile to that. Understand that you have now opportunity to win it and to gain back your your control on your life. Last thing you said, try to find replacement, another thought that to have like near to you things that you want to think about them that are a little bit deeper, that are a little bit, you know, not connecting really to you, that you have interest in them. And then when now my wife, what will happen? I'm reading another book, I'm thinking about what happened in history, I'm trying to understand something deep. So I cannot let your thoughts, you know, about the moment, small thoughts that leads me to undesirable emotions, to control me.

Amazing, amazing. Those are really, really interesting points. Definitely diverting the energy from yourself to outwards. The second one was Being able to look at your thoughts. And then the third one, be happy. And—

In the moment, you know, smile to the thoughts.

Yes, smile to the thoughts, be happy, because this is the opportunity to break through to your next level. And then your fourth one was—

Find replacement.

Oh, okay, amazing.

And last thing, it's not all of the work. It's, you know, just if you do not change yourself, it's not an inner change. It's not a deep work. It's a practical work. No, always, always pay attention to your thoughts because they will reveal you, reveal to you what, where are your emotions stands.

Exactly. And you know what, I want to next time delve deep how the emotions are connecting us to the Creator of the world and what's their job in beautiful— that connection. So, God willing, next week Sundays, guys, is going to be at the same time. So it's going to be live again on Facebook and YouTube. So next week, God willing, we're going to continue and go even deeper into how emotions connect us with our Creator. Thank you so much, Dr. Iqiel Harari.

Thank you. Good morning. Good night.

Good morning over there in Israel, and we'll see you next week. Take great care.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.